Divorcing a BPD partner who has left

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My story: I was married for nearly forty years. From the very beginning, my spouse subjected me to intermittent verbal and emotional abuse and bouts of intense anger, interspersed with love and affection. It keeps you off balance. He was unfaithful on several occasions, couldn't hold down permanent jobs for long and was highly intelligent, very well spoken and charming when he wished to be. I knew very little about the signs and symptoms of NPD or BPD - I believed he had been emotionally damaged because of an abusive childhood and had anger management issues. I tried over the decades to persuade him to seek professional advice, but he always refused to do so. Approximately two years ago he proposed to me that we stay married but be free to each pursue our own lives, the implication being have other relationships. I was utterly appalled and rejected such a notion. I did not know that at the time, he had already gotten involved with a woman who accepts completely abusive behaviour from him. Subsequently he used a document with my forged signature to try to steal a large sum of money from our accounts (he failed in this), then revealed his new relationship and has now left me for her and initiated divorce proceedings. I was extremely upset as it came as a complete shock, but I accepted he had a right to leave - he kept saying how happy he was! I have told him quite clearly I will have nothing further to do with him in the future because I can now see he is a complete moral vacuum. Currently he utters the most fantastic and blatant lies without any shame. However, while I'm fully cooperating to finalise the divorce, he appears to be doing everything he can to delay, take me to court whenever he can, maximise the money I have to pay for legal expenses and unnecessarily drag out a matter that should be resolved fairly easily. Are there any explanations for this behaviour? What am I to expect in the months ahead?

[Poppy1000]

My story: I was married for nearly forty years. From the very beginning, my spouse subjected me to intermittent verbal and emotional abuse and bouts of intense anger, interspersed with love and affection. It keeps you off balance. He was unfaithful on several occasions, couldn't hold down permanent jobs for long and was highly intelligent, very well spoken and charming when he wished to be. I knew very little about the signs and symptoms of NPD or BPD - I believed he had been emotionally damaged because of an abusive childhood and had anger management issues. I tried over the decades to persuade him to seek professional advice, but he always refused to do so. Approximately two years ago he proposed to me that we stay married but be free to each pursue our own lives, the implication being have other relationships. I was utterly appalled and rejected such a notion. I did not know that at the time, he had already gotten involved with a woman who accepts completely abusive behaviour from him. Subsequently he used a document with my forged signature to try to steal a large sum of money from our accounts (he failed in this), then revealed his new relationship and has now left me for her and initiated divorce proceedings. I was extremely upset as it came as a complete shock, but I accepted he had a right to leave - he kept saying how happy he was! I have told him quite clearly I will have nothing further to do with him in the future because I can now see he is a complete moral vacuum. Currently he utters the most fantastic and blatant lies without any shame. However, while I'm fully cooperating to finalise the divorce, he appears to be doing everything he can to delay, take me to court whenever he can, maximise the money I have to pay for legal expenses and unnecessarily drag out a matter that should be resolved fairly easily. Are there any explanations for this behaviour? What am I to expect in the months ahead?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Poppy1000,



I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. That is so difficult, especially finding out about your partner's infidelity. I'm glad you reached out, because you've found a place that will support you through this.  

That has to be very upsetting to deal with delays and extra legal actions when you are cooperating so fully. What does your lawyer say about it? Is there a motion that can be filed that would curb your partner's ability to drag this out?

I encourage you to have a look at the Family Law, Divorce, and Custody Board as well, as members there also have experience with divorcing someone with BPD/NPD.

Do you have supportive friend and/or other family, Poppy? It is so important to rally as much support around you as possible. These kinds of breakups can take a big toll on us.

Keep posting and let us know how we can best support you.

heartandwhole