Question About Potential Cheating

[Torched]

About five years after marriage and when my first child was about 9 months old, my exBPDw had to complete a 4 month residency in a town 1.25 hours away.  It was decided that it was best if I cared for our son while she was gone.  She could have come home any night of the week and driven to work in the morning as much as she wanted, but she NEVER did, not once.  We rented her an apartment there.

After a few weeks, she started cold shouldering me every Friday when she got home.  It would last until Saturday night and there were weekends where there was no "resolution" (as you know, cold shouldering from a BPD has resolution whenever they decide it, not based on logic or you "being a good boy or girl long enough".  After about six weeks, she told me a few times that there was a guy working in the facility who was young and good looking and worked out at the facility gym whenever she was there and he flirted a lot with her and also hung around her purposely at work to the point she was concerned.  This went on a couple weeks and I finally told her I was going to call the facility manager and complain; she said she would take care of it.  She claimed he was moved out of the office into another one and I took her word for it.

This was the worst time we had ever had in our relationship due to the depth of her cold shouldering and rages.  It was bad.  I thought it was because she felt guilt over our son being with me all week.  In retrospect, though... .if she felt bad about missing my son, she could have come home any night she wanted and driven back in the morning.

I read a thread on how BPD's act when cheating.  She could have had a three month affair, five nights a week, in her apartment down there.  She never let me come down and it was essentially off-limits.

Yesterday I lost my composure due to her crappy texts to me about co-parent items; I sent her a long text that for the first time told her essentially how horrible I thought she was to me all those years and how it had affected me.  I tossed in that I now knew she had had an affair at the residency.  I expected a text back from her stating that it was not true; what are you talking about?  Nothing.  I think I was right.  Does anyone who has experience with this think it happened?  Other than this, I don't believe she EVER cheated as the opportunities were just not there.

[Pretty Woman]

Trust your gut. From my experience, yes she had an affair.

To not let you visit is a huge   as well as the coldness when she was going back to her residency and possibly her side piece. A part of me believes the only reason my relationship lasted so long is because my ex had others in the pipeline. I don't think it was ever just me and her. Ever.

I did as you did and confronted my ex once, after a therapy session. During my session with the Dr. I mentioned my ex went for a hike with her ex that was visiting, my ex told me her ex tried to kiss her.

My therapist said, You do know they kissed, right?

I actually told my ex that I knew they kissed and she freaked out. She thought I was having her followed. My therapist was right. When they say something is happening, like this person is stalking her it usually means the opposite, something IS happening with them and using it to their benefit. They are amazing liars.

[Torched]

When they say something is happening, like this person is stalking her it usually means the opposite, something IS happening with them and using it to their benefit. They are amazing liars.

I'm pretty sure now.  Especially with no response.  I think me claiming to "know" absolutely put her back on her heels.  Last night she showed up at my house to drop off something for the kids she had no reason to drop off.  She hasn't done that in the entire three months of separation.  My daughter sensed she was upset and clung to her a bit.  I did not want to interact with her and so I stayed in the living room as she is not allowed in my house and I am not allowed in hers.

My ex is a very high-functioning professional.  I think this makes her more dangerous than the obviously loopy low functioners because she is so very intelligent and cunning.

[lost_in_translation]

Hi Torched,

From my own personal experience, anytime I confronted my ex about something and got no response it usually meant my suspicions were true.  It got to the point were I would use this a testing technique.  No response = I was correct

How unhealthy was that of me?

I see more clearly with each day that passes how dysfunctional our relationship was.

[Pretty Woman]

I know it's hard and you have kids together. You can focus on what happened (and you can't change any of that) or you can move on.

Easier said than done.

Trying to get a BPD to be honest with you is like putting a skunk in a fox fur. It's still a skunk. There may be some moments of honesty but they are fleeting.

I've learned the more you try to decipher what they did, the more you try to rationalize and get answers you will likely never get the real answers to, it drains you. I was so tired for about three years. I packed on 60lbs. It's hard not to FEEL betrayed, we were betrayed, but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel for us. You have to find a way to get to the point where you just let go. Try not to obsess over what she did. You know she was dishonest and disloyal. You really don't need all the details at this point, right? All that will do is upset you more.

You don't need that. You don't need her to tell you what she did to prove she isn't right for you.
 

[Torched]

I know it's hard and you have kids together. You can focus on what happened (and you can't change any of that) or you can move on.

Easier said than done.

Trying to get a BPD to be honest with you is like putting a skunk in a fox fur. It's still a skunk. There may be some moments of honesty but they are fleeting.

I've learned the more you try to decipher what they did, the more you try to rationalize and get answers you will likely never get the real answers to, it drains you. I was so tired for about three years. I packed on 60lbs. It's hard not to FEEL betrayed, we were betrayed, but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel for us. You have to find a way to get to the point where you just let go. Try not to obsess over what she did. You know she was dishonest and disloyal. You really don't need all the details at this point, right? All that will do is upset you more.

You don't need that. You don't need her to tell you what she did to prove she isn't right for you.
 

She finally texted me an hour ago simply stating that I could have first pick for summer vacation next year, which was what was causing the fairness issue with her.  Didn't deny my statement that I knew she had an affair back then.  She was checking last night with the kids to see if I had told them.  No doubt.

Thanks for your kind words.  I know you're right.  If I was still married to her though I can't imagine the hurt this would cause me at any time during that union and the anger I would feel at her treatment of me.  I am looking at it through a healthier divorce filter (and I ended the divorce immediately after meeting someone else myself).  Ugh.