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Author Topic: pwBPD Move on To A New Partner So Quick?  (Read 1583 times)
theitcrowd

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« on: March 11, 2017, 01:59:09 PM »

I mean it took her one week to move to a new partner! Ofcourse she was beautiful and blonde and viscious she would seduce any man!

But It's been a year since I spoke to her but I am reading a lot on BPD and just wondering if others could put in their input about how fast your ex-BPD partner was able to move on ?

I can't move on that fast after a relationship it takes me a while , to self reflect understand myself etc. to love myself again , I would feel disgusted if I was with another girl so fast after the breakup!

I don't understand how she was able to move on so fast? Do they not think normally ?

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« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2017, 02:25:07 PM »

I mean it took her one week to move to a new partner! Ofcourse she was beautiful and blonde and viscious she would seduce any man!

But It's been a year since I spoke to her but I am reading a lot on BPD and just wondering if others could put in their input about how fast your ex-BPD partner was able to move on ?

I don't have an exact answer. We never do.

But there is an identifiable pattern, as follows:

Usually, nons are shocked that they're ex moved on so quickly.
Later they learn about overlapping, and understand that their ex had probably moved on before their relationship actually finished. And they do it to the next person and the next and the next... .

Excerpt
I can't move on that fast after a relationship it takes me a while , to self reflect understand myself etc. to love myself again , I would feel disgusted if I was with another girl so fast after the breakup!

I don't understand how she was able to move on so fast?

Part of the reason for moving on so fast, is so that they never have to self-evaluate.
It's easier to just stay in denial.

Then there is object constancy and other issues at play.

And depending on their level of disorder, they may never have perceived you as a person, rather as an animate object.
This may help you to understand: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305255.msg12840627#msg12840627

Excerpt
Do they not think normally ?

If they are disordered, then no.
If they are not disordered, but have a subset of disordered traits, then no.
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« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2017, 02:25:37 PM »

First... She was talking to and emotionally cheating and/or cheating with this person before she "moved on" to them...


Second... They have the ability to completely detach from their feelings and move on like a light switch being flipped on and off... It's a survival technique and a coping mechanism... This is how they have been dealing with things since early childhood and it comes natural to them.

You are only a "need" for them when they need you... They don't care about an individual and they don't care who they are with... They will attach themselves to anyone who is willing to put up with them and they typically attach to people who they think will be safe for their emotions.

They will only come back when the replacement relationship fails or if they feel lonely or need something from you.

Basically, they're only with you because you're good at fulfilling their needs, whatever their needs are at the time... And anything they say or do is irrelevant... They will say and do wonderful things for you sometimes. Don't buy into it. It will never be about you or your needs, only theirs.
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« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2017, 03:27:19 PM »

First... She was talking to and emotionally cheating and/or cheating with this person before she "moved on" to them...


Second... They have the ability to completely detach from their feelings and move on like a light switch being flipped on and off... It's a survival technique and a coping mechanism... This is how they have been dealing with things since early childhood and it comes natural to them.

You are only a "need" for them when they need you... They don't care about an individual and they don't care who they are with... They will attach themselves to anyone who is willing to put up with them and they typically attach to people who they think will be safe for their emotions.

They will only come back when the replacement relationship fails or if they feel lonely or need something from you.

Basically, they're only with you because you're good at fulfilling their needs, whatever their needs are at the time... And anything they say or do is irrelevant... They will say and do wonderful things for you sometimes. Don't buy into it. It will never be about you or your needs, only theirs.


This is exactly what I experienced. She had a replacement for me twice during our on/off nightmare and was able to switch off and then on again both times. I wondered how she did it (because I wanted to with her!).

It was all about her needs... .her new guys didn't fulfil them and I did... .until I didn't (or told her I wouldn't).

What was amusing/eye rolling... .she got very, very upset when I moved on from her. She was outraged that I could move on so fast and exploded at me. She had misunderstood (as I wasn't seeing anyone), but it's just so typical of BPD to feel upset, despite them doing the exact same thing.
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theitcrowd

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« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2017, 11:19:59 AM »

It is... .it's probably incomprehensible to them also, on some level. How cruel and selfish they are.
Too disordered.

Understanding the motives behind their inhuman behaviour - recognising the disorder in both it's bad and good expressions - , makes it hurt less... .eventually.

Like if a neuro-typical person took off all their clothes and ran around the streets screaming naked - you'd react in disbelief.
But if a typical 'crazy homeless' person did it, you'd be like... ."well, whaddaya expect really? *shrugs* They have faulty programming."

... .it's typically not to hard to recognise a homeless person. The disorder is visible on the surface.

However, with certain disorders, especially Cluster B - we mistake them for neurotypical people with neurotypical programming... .who seem 'crazy' about us! ( You can't recognise the disorder unless you have an awareness of it... .And who doesn't like lovebombing or idealisation or passionate sex? Even though these are just as much expressions of their disorder, as the cheating and splitting and pathological lying etc.)



From One INFJ to another, don't you feel INFJ traits are very much like BPD traits?

I was worried for a while I was the one having BPD, but realized it's part of my personality and also some kind of traits I picked up from my BPD ex.
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theitcrowd

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« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2017, 11:23:53 AM »

First... She was talking to and emotionally cheating and/or cheating with this person before she "moved on" to them...





Second... They have the ability to completely detach from their feelings and move on like a light switch being flipped on and off... It's a survival technique and a coping mechanism... This is how they have been dealing with things since early childhood and it comes natural to them.


She did this when we started to talk, she kept saying she was unhappy with her bf at that time , and wanted to be with me. But I told her I just want to stay friends but somehow I was stupid enough to start a relationship.

I remember her saying "I have no more tears from boys anymore" apparently she has been jumping from relationship to relationship and she is so used to it now... .and as you said a coping mechanisim
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« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2017, 12:32:20 PM »

I was worried for a while I was the one having BPD, but realized it's part of my personality and also some kind of traits I picked up from my BPD ex.

can you elaborate on this? personality traits cant be "picked up" from another person, though it is true that behaviors of others can certainly rub off on us... .thats more about us than our partners.
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theitcrowd

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« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2017, 12:46:02 PM »

can you elaborate on this? personality traits cant be "picked up" from another person, though it is true that behaviors of others can certainly rub off on us... .thats more about us than our partners.

If you look up personality traits of INFJ's it is quite similar to BPD we tend to act like them with our fear of abandoment etc. but it's not always the case , we are not to that degree of a BPD. A BPD is an extreme case.

Anyway it was not a healthy realtionship and I tend to pick up her behaviour as a way to cope up or try to show her how she was hurting me but it pushed her even more away.
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« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2017, 01:01:26 PM »

If you look up personality traits of INFJ's it is quite similar to BPD we tend to act like them with our fear of abandoment etc. but it's not always the case , we are not to that degree of a BPD. A BPD is an extreme case.

i see what you mean but im not sure id use this comparison. borderline traits involve things such as cutting, eating disorders, splitting, dissociation. the meyers briggs test measures things like introversion vs extroversion.

if i read correctly, i think what you are saying is that "BPD behaviors" are not limited to people with BPD, and you are correct, BPD is an extreme case. its important to remember all of this stuff is on a spectrum.

Anyway it was not a healthy realtionship and I tend to pick up her behaviour as a way to cope up or try to show her how she was hurting me but it pushed her even more away.

i did too. fighting fire with fire is not the stuff of healthy relationships, and it certainly never got my point across.
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theitcrowd

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« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2017, 01:24:59 PM »

i see what you mean but im not sure id use this comparison. borderline traits involve things such as cutting, eating disorders, splitting, dissociation. the meyers briggs test measures things like introversion vs extroversion.

if i read correctly, i think what you are saying is that "BPD behaviors" are not limited to people with BPD, and you are correct, BPD is an extreme case. its important to remember all of this stuff is on a spectrum.


Well I am just saying INFJ's fall hard in love, and too fast... .we want to move fast into ONE relationship and want to be with that person forever... .she sounds like the BPD partner saying she wants to be with you forever even though it's been a month since you met.

We tend to fall in love too fast and we tend to be selfish in relationships and want to give all the love we can and we have a big fear of abandonment too and we are usually insecure and afraid when things happen.



I am only looking from a romantic perspective haha! No and defintely not we don't self harm etc.
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« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2017, 01:33:03 PM »

My partner said she loved me and was talking about buying a house together, and the next day broke up with me.  She had a replacement lined up in the background and after a couple of days seemed to forget that I had ever existed.  I think she was with the replacement the following weekend and on holiday with him a few weeks later.  Do I think that's normal?  No, it's totally abnormal and impossible for me to understand.
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theitcrowd

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« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2017, 02:30:44 PM »

My partner said she loved me and was talking about buying a house together, and the next day broke up with me.  She had a replacement lined up in the background and after a couple of days seemed to forget that I had ever existed.  I think she was with the replacement the following weekend and on holiday with him a few weeks later.  Do I think that's normal?  No, it's totally abnormal and impossible for me to understand.

Seems this is more common than I thought it would be!

Mine went on a holiday just days after we went on holiday together... .
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« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2017, 02:34:56 PM »

 Mine went on a holiday just days after we went on holiday together... .
[/quote]

Unbelievable!
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« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2017, 09:34:48 AM »

Mine had me replaced after she said she wanted to breakup, but still lived with me. During that time her and I were still talking and doing lots of stuff together. She soon met a new guy after that, she was living with him within three weeks, and I was nothing to her after. And I mean nothing. We got together to catch up a few weeks after that, and she told me that after 5 weeks of being with new guy “this was going to lead to marriage”, The non-stop undying love dedications on FB and other social media. I had to block her I could not take it anymore.

Side note: I’m not sure if the honey moon had ended with him, but no sooner that she found out I blocked her on FB the undying love dedications and contestant picture of the two of them stopped to.
She contacted me last week to see how I was, but she had to tell me that she was pregnant, and it was an accident. I know it was not.
Everyone I talk to and tell them about her and her new guy and how FAST it went, all say the same thing, “no way it will last, it’s next to impossible for it to.
Thought?
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« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2017, 12:14:55 PM »

I made it clear to my ex on a Saturday that I was truly done this time, by Wednesday, I was replaced by someone 25 years older than her.  I haven't heard from her since.  That was two weeks ago. We were together for 5 years.  

And, anytime during those 5 years we had an argument, she was immediately on Tinder "looking for new friends."

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« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2017, 12:36:10 PM »

I'm not sure if anyone will agree with this but I think the reasons they move on so quickly is that

a. once we are devalued they may have already made up their mind that its over long before it actually is so they've already mourned the loss of relationship before it ended.

b. Once they meet someone else they fall so quickly that they forget about the rest of the world and only the new interest exists.
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MiserableMostly

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« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2017, 01:43:28 PM »

The truth hurts.
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« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2017, 02:08:33 PM »

Given that many women leave their partners for another man, or jump straight into rebound relationships, I don't see it as abnormal or inhuman, nor anything peculiar to BPD, it's just the way it is.

I guess there are two reasons behind that. The first being that they will seek emotional comfort as quickly as possible, and the second being that it's usually much easier for a woman to get a man whenever she wants, than the other way round.

Doesn't need complicated reasons like personality disorders to explain that, it's just a matter of human nature, personal needs and preferences, and opportunity. In fact, personally speaking, I've found that the easiest way to get over any breakup is to not dwell on it and get out dating other women.
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« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2017, 02:18:22 PM »

Given that many women leave their partners for another man, or jump straight into rebound relationships, I don't see it as abnormal or inhuman, nor anything peculiar to BPD, it's just the way it is.

I guess there are two reasons behind that. The first being that they will seek emotional comfort as quickly as possible, and the second being that it's usually much easier for a woman to get a man whenever she wants, than the other way round.

Doesn't need complicated reasons like personality disorders to explain that, it's just a matter of human nature, personal needs and preferences, and opportunity. In fact, personally speaking, I've found that the easiest way to get over any breakup is to not dwell on it and get out dating other women.

Abraxus,

I think it is quite unfair to attribute rebounding with gender. Many people of both gender rebound, often in unhealthy ways. In fact I have and happen to be a man. Rebounding is generally unhealthy and hurts those we date. Which is why it's good to heal before dating again in my opinion. Especially after a relationship with a BPD.
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« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2017, 02:42:12 PM »

Abraxus,

I think it is quite unfair to attribute rebounding with gender. Many people of both gender rebound, often in unhealthy ways. In fact I have and happen to be a man. Rebounding is generally unhealthy and hurts those we date. Which is why it's good to heal before dating again in my opinion. Especially after a relationship with a BPD.

Marti

It wasn't my intention to equate it to gender, just to highlight the reality (unfair or not) that in most cases it's easier for a woman to find another man quickly, than the other way round.

My main point though was that apparently over 50% of people rebound, and so there's nothing unnatural or inhuman about it, as some seem to claim, and that it's not something unusual, or necessarily attributable to BPD.
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« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2017, 02:57:41 PM »

Marti

It wasn't my intention to equate it to gender, just to highlight the reality (unfair or not) that in most cases it's easier for a woman to find another man quickly, than the other way round.

My main point though was that apparently over 50% of people rebound, and so there's nothing unnatural or inhuman about it, as some seem to claim, and that it's not something unusual, or necessarily attributable to BPD.


Agreed, rebounding isn't isolated to those with BPD and it's important to highlight that many of their actions are no different then those without disordered traits. Many people make unhealthy relationship decisions after a breakup.

But the rapid shift in emotion is what makes it unique. As an example my BPDex saying she wanted to marry me four days before telling me I was so mentally ill no-one would ever be with me. I'm not sure that I agree with your reality about women, or that this is self-evident, but I understand better what you mean. Thanks!
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abraxus
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« Reply #21 on: March 21, 2017, 03:05:57 PM »

Ah yes, the rapid shift in emotion is very unique, and certainly takes some getting used to.
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« Reply #22 on: March 21, 2017, 05:01:52 PM »

I have no idea why anyone would think it's "easier for a woman to go and get another man more easily" what a strange statement.
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« Reply #23 on: March 21, 2017, 05:56:23 PM »

Borderliners do not feel love for themself and therefore cannot love someone else they never love a person, they only love the attention and the feeling being loved. Thats the reason they can replace us so fast, we are a commodity for them.
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« Reply #24 on: March 21, 2017, 06:06:23 PM »

I have no idea why anyone would think it's "easier for a woman to go and get another man more easily" what a strange statement.

I think that there is some truth to this IF you are looking at finding a warm body without looking for something that is healthy and sustainable. If a person is looking for a healthy relationship, then I think it is going to take just as long no matter what gender you are. I think the statement that it is easier for a woman to get a man stems from some of the stereotypes about men. Sure, a super skinny, super hot chick is going to have her pick of men. An overweight, middle aged woman isn't going to have it very easy. I think the statement is a huge over generalization.

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) abraxus

The rapid shift in emotion was definitely the hardest part for me. My story is a bit twisted in that several years prior to us opening our marriage, I had gone to him and told him that there were issues and I needed help. He looked at me like I had horns growing out of my head and proceeded to do the same thing that he had been doing for a while (checking out, being a jerk, not helping with the parenting, not doing anything that really contributed to being a member of the household).

I talked to a guy online for two days. The minute that the conversation became inappropriate and crossed the line into cheating territory, I told my husband. I was appalled at myself for doing it. His reaction was one of joy and excitement. He wasn't upset in the least and his reaction was, "Cool, let's see other people." This was after 15 years of marriage and 4 kids. How could he turn on a dime like that? Sadly, I went along with it because he wouldn't hang out with the kids for me to go to the grocery store but he would hang out with the kids so I could go hang out with another man. How? How can somebody do that?

And then, he would be chasing all sorts of women (and men) and would get mad if I protested anything. After I kicked him out, he went out of state and when he came back three weeks later, he said that he had found the love of his life and was showing me pictures of her. And then he blamed me for kicking him out and said he had no choice on what to do. Apparently, I was supposed to be okay with him chasing whomever he wanted whenever he wanted. One day he would claim to love me and want to work on things with me and then a couple days later when I wouldn't accept that he had changed and expressed a lack of trust he would go right back to posting and answering ads. He didn't want to do the work involved in being in a relationship. He just wanted somebody/anybody that would validate his twisted version of reality.
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« Reply #25 on: March 21, 2017, 06:39:44 PM »

I can see how the rapid shifts in emotion must be unbearable, and even more so if you're married with children. That's hard for me to comment on, as I've never been in that situation.

I guess I can comment on the cheating though, as that's an easy one for me. As far as I'm concerned, that's a one strike and you're out policy. No reasons, no excuses, no personality disorder or whatever; it's done, I'm gone.

I appreciate though that it's not as easy for everyone; and circumstances, feelings, hopes, wishes and desires will all vary from person to person, and so everyone has to manage their own situation in the way that works best for them.

It's easy to get caught up in the why's of why someone thinks an acts in the way that they do, but the danger of that is that one can make excuses for them. As a result I've come to set my expectations according to my reality and nobody else's. I don't care whether someone has a personality disorder or not, I don't like to judge, and so I set out what I need and expect, and either they're onboard or not. If not, then I'm not especially interested in the reasons, and just accept that it wont work.

Like I said though, it's easier said than done, and different people have different circumstances, expectations, limits and boundaries, and handle relationships differently, so I can sympathise.
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« Reply #26 on: March 21, 2017, 08:54:56 PM »

I'm not sure if anyone will agree with this but I think the reasons they move on so quickly is that

a. once we are devalued they may have already made up their mind that its over long before it actually is so they've already mourned the loss of relationship before it ended.

b. Once they meet someone else they fall so quickly that they forget about the rest of the world and only the new interest exists.

I 100% agree with this.  I've seen your first point happen with my BPD friend.  Two years ago, right before she ended our friendship the first time, she was in the hospital after a suicide attempt.  I went to visit her, and it was like she was mourning the end of our friendship.  It was bizarre.  I was supportive and even said something about hanging out over the summer, and she just gave me this sad look and said nothing.  A week later, I was completely shut out of her life.  A few months later, she broke up with her boyfriend.  I asked him how she was in the weeks leading up to the break up, and he said she let herself go and was a complete mess.  But the day after she broke up with him, she texted me and acted like she didn't really care about the break up.  All of the stuff leading up to the break up was her way of mourning it.  She knew it was over long before he did.  I also see your second point all of the time.  At the end of a relationship or when she is between relationships, she's nice, caring, etc.  But as soon as she meets someone new, she forgets everyone exists and actually gets easily annoyed if I text her.  It's one thing to be excited about a new relationship and a completely different thing to be so consumed by it that you forget that everyone else exists.
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« Reply #27 on: March 29, 2017, 11:42:39 PM »

No they don't think normally, they have a serious mental illness that allows them to make up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment and this how they can move on so quickly, typically blaming all their ex's for hurting them so much, securing new attachments with caring people.
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« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2017, 11:52:59 PM »

I am a non and normally it does take me awhile to recover from one relationship ending to another.  I have also been with a BPD and have probably been replaced.  I haven't checked so I don't know but I wouldn't be surprised.

that being said.   I did in my history end something with someone and was with someone else very shortly...

the difference...

I told that partner (11 years) - that I was unhappy and something was missing
We went to couples counseling for quite a few months.
During this time I made no promises of forever
I mostly knew for me it was over, but I was very hard to hurt her and I did have some hope maybe we could work it out.
During this time I did become attracted to someone else... but didnt' act on it

After seeing how this extended process was hurting my then partner... .we talked and with us both crying we ended it
We owned a home etc so she chose to leave for a bit and about a week or so later i drove her to the airport
That evening I had a date

Not my proudest moment... .however very different from a dump and replace by a BPD... .they will go from I love you -  you are all i want to Next with zero warning...

In my relationship we had been distancing for years - I acted on it first and she didn't want it to change... but she was told and time was given to try to work on it and no promises made...

so yes people can move on and yes it will hurt both nons and BPD
the BPD cycle is much faster and it seems they can be in both worlds at the same time (ie with you and pursuing someone else)...




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Ronald E Cornett, Kelli Cornet, Kelley Lyne Freeman,

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« Reply #29 on: March 30, 2017, 07:35:41 PM »


Not my proudest moment... .however very different from a dump and replace by a BPD... .they will go from I love you -  you are all i want to Next with zero warning...

In my relationship we had been distancing for years - I acted on it first and she didn't want it to change... but she was told and time was given to try to work on it and no promises made...


Yes, there is definitely a difference between having a relationship that slowly declines and then ends respectfully and mutually and relationship with a pwBPD, which usually ends randomly, unexpectedly, and usually not respectfully. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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