GAD sufferer dealing with newly diagnosed BPD

[lostgirljk]

Hi everyone

I'm at my wits end. I feel so alone and so anxious. I have been living with my BPD partner for nearly 3 years. When he moved in my heart sank. But I couldn't turn him away as he was asked to leave his prior accomodation and had nowhere else to go. We'd only been dating a few weeks at this point. I made the boundaries clear from the start, that he's to find his own place soon, that I need time alone and the place should be left reasonably clean. Naturally that didn't work to plan. When he does clean though, he leaves the place spotless.


First of all, he's a good person and isn't verbally abusive, unless I nag him. Which is often, he has the most terrible hygiene! He says he loves me but there hasn't been a physical relationship for a very long time. Any affection seems to be superficial. I try to support him, listen to him etc but I feel very alone. I feel like a faceless hollow version of my former self sometimes. He has absolutely no interest in listening to me or conversing properly. It's kinda hard to explain, there's no "and what happened then?" or "Oh you poor thing, you had a rough day" etc etc. He disagrees with everything I say or interrupts me.

He has never ever told me I'm pretty or tells me what a good job I did with something etc.  My anxiety is through the roof, I just cannot function. He acts manic and talks and talks or else sulks and that causes me untold pain. He spends all day gaming and smokes weed. He was smoking all day but now limits to the evening. And the stuff stinks, I think it's the hybrid variety.

To sum up, it's all about him. It truly is. I don't think I love him any more but I can't abandon him either as I know he's in deep pain. He's attending DBT so I feel he deserves a chance but I'm not happy. Thanks for 'listening' and if anyone has any suggestions, go for it!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi lostgirljk, 



I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how difficult that would that would be dealing with anxiety and a partner that invalids how you think and feel.

I'm glad that you decided to join us there are many people here just like you that can offer you guidance and support. You'll see that you'll fit right in here. Read as much as you can about BPD, it helps to understand why a pwBPD behave the way that they do.

My advice for now is your anxiety, is there a way that you take care of your anxiety, I have anxiety too and I know it's really hard to function when it flares up, do you have a T ( Therapist )?

[lostgirljk]

My first reply!
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Yes I have been doing some counselling and self help techniques to deal with my anxiety. I practise mindfullness, PMR and I'm on medication. Today I'm off to do some acupuncture.
I feel almost that I don't care about his problems any more (How evil is that!) I feel I may be developing some of his own symptoms or maybe I'm just paranoid!
I feel exhausted and trapped.

[Mutt]

Try not to feel guilty, I know that a pwBPD behaviors can cause a lot of anxiety with around them due to their emotional eruptions. Also you also have to manage your anxiety.

What else do you do for self care? Do you go out and spend some time with family and friends?

[lostgirljk]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for your support. I have a few friends and am close to my mother. I don't really like to socialise. I used to love going to pubs and gigs and drinking but none of that interests me any more.
I may have forgotten to add that he prefers to sleep on the couch. He says it's because he likes to fall asleep watching the TV. There has been no physical intimacy for a long time. Like I mentioned before, he might give me the odd hug or kiss goodbye. It just doesn't feel like an adult, loving relationship.Thanks again Mutt and if anyone else wants to pitch in or feel they can relate, please go for it 

Try not to feel guilty, I know that a pwBPD behaviors can cause a lot of anxiety with around them due to their emotional eruptions. Also you also have to manage your anxiety.

What else do you do for self care? Do you go out and spend some time with family and friends?

[Panda39]

Hi lostgirljk,

I'm sorry you are struggling with this relationship, but I'm glad you've joined the BPD Family  it's a great place to talk all this stuff out and get different perspectives and ideas.

So my question is what do you really want?  Not what you think you should do, but what do you want to do? Because what I hear in your posts is conflict between what you want to do and what you think you should do and that is a tough place to be.  I also want to say because sometimes I need this said to me too, it is okay and even healthy to choose your needs over someone else's sometimes. It is not bad, it is not selfish, it is caring for yourself.  I used to put everyone's needs before my own and it led to unhappiness and resentment. Now I'm more balanced in meeting my needs and meeting the needs of others and I can tell you I am much happier.

I pulled some lines from your posts, if this was a friend of yours what would you tell them?

... .I feel like a faceless hollow version of my former self sometimes. He has absolutely no interest in listening to me or conversing properly. It's kinda hard to explain, there's no "and what happened then?" or "Oh you poor thing, you had a rough day" etc etc. He disagrees with everything I say or interrupts me.

He has never ever told me I'm pretty or tells me what a good job I did with something etc.

To sum up, it's all about him. It truly is.

There has been no physical intimacy for a long time. Like I mentioned before, he might give me the odd hug or kiss goodbye. It just doesn't feel like an adult, loving relationship.

I feel exhausted and trapped.

I feel almost that I don't care about his problems any more (How evil is that!)

I don't think the final quote is evil at all, I think it's honest.  I don't think it makes you a bad person to think it.  I can hear from your posts that you are a caring person... .you would have never taken him in, in the first place if you weren't.

Do you think there might be some FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) going in this relationship? Click on the link below for more on FOG... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Once you determine what you want it might be time to put some boundaries in place.  More links below... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

I hope I've given some food for thought.

Take Care,
Panda39

[lostgirljk]

Hi Panda39
Thank you so much for your advice. I had to re read your reply several times as the impact it had on me was like 'wow!'
To answer your question, the advice I would give a friend is that they need to put themselves first. It was surreal seeing a string of my quotes together. I think it jarred me (in a good way!) into facing the situation head on. So now I have to choose my timing. I feel there will never be a right time to ask him to leave. He has 4 months left of college and about a month left of DBT so I'm wondering should I do it then. By that time he may be in a better place. Again, what would I advise a friend. Hmmm :-/
To top it all off, My psychiatrist requested that I taper off my Benzodiazapenes. I had tried many times before without success but I've been on them so long that I don't have much of a choice.

Warm wishes to you both X

[lostgirljk]

Please help. I am in turmoil. I split up with him while he was visiting his family in The Isle of Man. He came back to the city today and is in a hostel. I feel he is being emotionally threatening but I don't know. All I know is I feel utter guilt and anxiety. This is a transcript of our conversation today. Any advice desperately needed.

John
Can we talk?
Orla
About us? No. I feel we should give each other space. Talking achieves nothing and only prolongs the agony. We can discuss non related issues though. For example a letter from Dr Barry came for you today. Will I post it to your Uk address or Naomi's

John
I will collect it when I collect all my stuff
Or you can bring it to me in town cause it's probably important, I will need some paperwork for the council also
Oh did you think I was going to stay on the island?
I will need to show previous address and circumstance so I can apply for rent allowance
I thought I deserved more than this, not even a phonecall
John Smith
John
Will you meet me for coffee tomorrow
Orla
Don't twist things John. I told you we needed to talk and you said "just tell me. I refuse to be drawn into this endless cycle of emotional warfare. I will end contact unless this stops. I am not responsible for you. You are an adult.
John
Not once did I say you were responsible for me.  I need all my paperwork
Orla
And no, I didn't think you were going to stay on the Island. Whatever does that even mean
Ok, from here on in, we discuss business and I would appreciate if you didn't order me to bring your documents. I have to help my mother tomorrow but I'll try to make it.

John
Why are you being like this. I'm trying to be polite and civil
Orla
Being like what?
John
I'm respecting your wishes I'm staying away and not contacting you all the time.  I just want to sort my things out
Orla
No problem
John
I will say my piece
Orla
Is that a threat?
John
Before I met you I was resigned to live alone. Then I met you.  I opened my self up and trusted you with everything.  And you broke that trust.  Something that I doubt will ever return.  So now I just want my things
Orla
Ok no problem
John
I would never threaten or harm you, I still love you tobits . But I'm done
Orla
Ok

[BeagleGirl]

I'm going to rewrite your portion of the text exchange a bit, implementing some boundaries and removing invalidation.  See how it sounds to you.

John
Can we talk?
Orla
Original: About us? No. I feel we should give each other space. Talking achieves nothing and only prolongs the agony. We can discuss non related issues though. For example a letter from Dr Barry came for you today. Will I post it to your Uk address or Naomi's
Recommendation:  "I am willing to talk about topics other than our relationship.  In fact, I need to let you know that a letter came for you.  Would you let me know what address I should post it to?"
John
I will collect it when I collect all my stuff
Or you can bring it to me in town cause it's probably important, I will need some paperwork for the council also
Oh did you think I was going to stay on the island?
I will need to show previous address and circumstance so I can apply for rent allowance
I thought I deserved more than this, not even a phonecall
John Smith
John
Will you meet me for coffee tomorrow
Orla
Original: Don't twist things John. I told you we needed to talk and you said "just tell me. I refuse to be drawn into this endless cycle of emotional warfare. I will end contact unless this stops. I am not responsible for you. You are an adult.
Recommended: "I will not be able to bring it into town for you.  Please provide the address you want it posted to and I will drop it in the post.  I will also be happy to include a statement of your residence in my home for the past x years with the letter.  Is there a special form I need to use?  As to coffee, I don't feel meeting in person is in line with our new relationship." (Note the lack of response to topics that ask for engagement in blame or discussion of the relationship)
John
Not once did I say you were responsible for me.  (Note that this statement probably wouldn't be "inspired" by the recommended response above)  I need all my paperwork
Orla
Original: And no, I didn't think you were going to stay on the Island. Whatever does that even mean
Ok, from here on in, we discuss business and I would appreciate if you didn't order me to bring your documents. I have to help my mother tomorrow but I'll try to make it.
Recommended:  "Please provide a list of the items you need.  If they can be mailed for less than $x, I will send them to the address you provide.  Otherwise, I can be available at {location} at x,y,z days/times to hand them over." (Note that you don't need to meet at a coffee shop or your residence.  This can be a neutral location that does not invite a lingering conversation.  Also note that you don't need to go out of your way to take responsibility for him getting what he needs.)
John
Why are you being like this. I'm trying to be polite and civil
Orla
Original: Being like what?
Recommended: (Note that he may not have asked this with the recommended response, but if he did... .) Either no response or "I appreciate your politeness and civility.  I will do my best to reciprocate"
John
I'm respecting your wishes I'm staying away and not contacting you all the time.  I just want to sort my things out
Orla
Original: No problem
Recommended:  No response required.  You have provided instructions for how he can get his things sorted out.  Leave it at that.
John
I will say my piece
Orla
Original: Is that a threat?
Recommended:  No response.  This could be the beginning of the extinction burst.  It may be wise to turn off your phone at this point so you aren't subjected to it in real time.  You can then read for any relevant information (address things need to be mailed to, items he is requesting, or request for date and time to meet to hand over items requested).  THESE ARE THE ONLY THINGS YOU SHOULD RESPOND TO.
John
Before I met you I was resigned to live alone. Then I met you.  I opened my self up and trusted you with everything.  And you broke that trust.  Something that I doubt will ever return.  So now I just want my things
Orla
Original: Ok no problem
Recommended:  "I will return your items once you have provided an address and/or set up a time to meet for the items to large to mail."
John
I would never threaten or harm you, I still love you tobits . But I'm done
Orla
Original: Ok
Recommended:  No response.

I know that responding (or not responding) in the recommended manner is a LOT easier said than done.  We all want closure and want the person who has wronged us to understand that they have wronged us and how.  While this might be possible in a relationship that has to be maintained in a different form (co-parenting when children are involved), I'm becoming fairly convinced that it is as much a fairy tale as the "happily ever after" ending.

So my advice is to realize that he is not responsible for providing a sense of closure for you, nor are you responsible for providing a sense of closure for him.  The relationship is over and now your efforts are most effectively spent in finding your own closure.  Engaging in further discussion with him probably won't be productive, unless it helps you remember why you don't want to be in relationship with him. 

One of the hardest parts of NC is that it is a boundary that has to be defended.  Just saying "I don't want to talk about anything related to our relationship" doesn't block their attempts to break the boundary, nor our temptation to trample our own boundary.  There were a few times in your responses where you trampled your own boundary.  It might help for you to go back and read through and find those times.

Best wishes.  I know the pain of GAD.  I also know how hard it is to maintain functionality when in the midst of stressful situations like this.  I hope you can find some time to get outside and breathe some fresh air.  Take care of yourself.

BeagleGirl

[lostgirljk]

Hi all. I just want to give the latest update on my breakup with exBPD. I received a message from him yesterday which shows the situation is getting nasty now. He was supposed to collect his stuff this coming Thursday but now moved it to Friday. Is this 'changing the goalposts?':
"There is a few other things to sort out also, you were right I did give you money to put in the credit union, so I require that back.  Then there is the washing machine and the cooker,. If you wish to keep those you can have them for 200 euro, else I will sell them for deposit money.  Same goes for my laptop, 200 euro.

Re the laptop, it was a gift from him because he broke the previous one himself! He did buy the appliances himself. I am getting the locks changed today. I told him I'd have to talk to my solicitor and he threatened to call the police to get get his belongings. I've blocked both his social media and phone number. I sent an email today requesting that he pick up his stuff on Friday and that he can take the appliances but the laptop stays here. I'm in a daze and in a heap.

[Panda39]

Hi lostgirljk,

I'm sorry that he has decided to escalate the drama    Changing your locks is a good idea, do you have someone, or can the police be there when he picks up his stuff?  I don't like the idea of you being there alone when this happens, plus having a witness there that confirm what he took is probably a good idea. But I think you do need to be there because you don't want him leaving things that aren't his.

By the way keep that message about the things he claims are his so he can't decide later to ask for more and because it's clearly all about getting money out of you.

Do you have the money to buy your own laptop? (Not buy his - you don't want anymore transactions with him - but buy your own new one and give the one he bought back to him)  I'm just thinking it might not be worth the battle if you can just replace it on your own.  :)oes he owe you the replacement for breaking yours yes but is it worth fighting over and potentially extending the drama and contact with him, I would argue it doesn't.

You might want to post over on the "Legal" Board for good strategies on how to do this pick up of stuff in the best and safest way for you.

Take care and be safe  

Panda39

[BeagleGirl]

I'm sorry that you are still dealing with this.  I can imagine the sort of emotional drain it is.

Good job on setting boundaries (restricting communication avenues and keeping communication to facts).  It wouldn't be unwise to see your solicitor to make sure you understand your rights and his ability to cause trouble for you. 

Are you in a position to replace the items (including the laptop) that he's claiming?  Was he paying market value rent for the time he lived with you?  Utilities?  Some other compensation for housing?  Are there receipts for the items?  The rent?  These are things to consider and discuss with your solicitor.  Sometimes the threat of a counter suit with a reasonable chance of winning is enough to shut down the "I'm going to sue for what is mine" talk.

[lostgirljk]

Hi Panda/ Beaglegirl

Thank you both for your reply. His sister will be with him to help pick up his stuff on Friday as he doesn't drive and she has a car. She's a very decent kind person who has been supportive to me also. There shouldn't be too much drama. I would love to have my mother/friend here for moral support though but I don't want to trigger him further.

 Yesterday I told him he can take the appliances. It was more calling his bluff than anything if I'm honest! In response I received a reasonable email from him:

I will be able to collect my belongings around 1 pm Friday.  If you can get things ready for me so I can be in and out it will make things easier.
My things.
Clothes, can you bag these please.
Paperwork
Front room , TV , Sony PS4, steam link, sound bar, woofer and all the assorted cables and controllers for these.
Spare room , pc and peripherals, TV, sony ps3all the assorted cables tech and stuff along with the other bits in filing, any photos of daughter and assorted bags.
After giving it some thought I have decided to not take the white furniture, wardrobe and desk.  They are yours to keep, I just want to make a clean break and move on with my life.
Regards
Re rent, he hadn't technically been paying rent because I was wary of putting him down as a co-tenant. He was, however quite generous whenever I needed money for bills etc.Thanks for your legal advice. I hope that he means what he said that he just wants to get on with his life and not harass me in the future. For sure I will get the locks changed because twice now I've asked him for the key back

[lostgirljk]

Well, it's been over 6 weeks since we broke up and there was nc until the other day when he sent me a lenghty email. You guys have been so supportive and I thought maybe I was healing and hopefully he was too. But now I'm feeling so guilty that maybe I should have done more for him.

"Hi O,  

This is a really hard letter for me to write but there is a few things I need to get off my chest.  Its took me a long time to realise that I am better off without you.  This past couple of months have been the worst of my life.  When I have split with previous partners I have found it hard to recover. But breaking up with you was the worst.  You are the only person I have completely opened up with, given my whole and you threw it back in my face.

I understand a lot of things now that I didn't before and I have realised a few things.   My life has been a lot of patterns.  I seem to gravitate towards a certain type of person.  Either extremely needy or the complete opposite.  Yourself and C fall into the former and R into the latter,  R was a complete narcissist.  So what was the problem, was it no longer ALL about you?, instead it was about me and my recovery?  As soon as that happened you changed.  As soon as i was diagnosed with a serious mental illness you completely changed towards me.  You can't deny it.  You systematically picked me to pieces.  Constantly going after my triggers after I had identified them and asked you to not hit them.

I thought you were the one, but no.  You're not.

... .... .this part here I omitted as it goes into intimacy and past trauma and the disturbing effect it's had on him.  

This broke me O, I loved you with my heart and soul.  I can't communicate to you how distressing this was for me.  It's only this past few weeks where I have realised that this was what was happening and why.

I needed to tell you that, it was never anything to do with you or anything that you had done.  I just never knew how to express it.

This is just stupid, even after everything i still love you till the ends of the earth, but I can never go back to it.

There’s lots of things that you asked about but you never got satisfactory answers for, stuff about C and what happened after.  however the ones you did get answers for you never got the proper ones so you just drew your own conclusions from.

You broke me O. completely

I really shouldn’t send this letter because it's a complete mess and I have had a few drinks, But whatever there's a couple of things i want you to know/

I really don’t care if you reply or not, I just had to send this message to make sure that you heard what I had to say"

[Panda39]

I'm going to be blunt, in my opinion, this is Emotional Blackmail (FOG)... .

You are not responsible for his feelings or him, he is. If this were me I would keep looking/moving forward not back, I would not respond unless you want to be back at square one of course the choice is up to you.

Panda39

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear lostgirl-
I'm very sorry that your ex has written this email to you and that you're feeling this pain.  I agree with Panda here... .he is using emotional "blackmail" and trying to place blame on you for things that are NOT your responsibility.  His burdens are HIS and his alone.  You did NOT cause his BPD or his selfishness.  He did not and will never take responsibility for the negative impact the relationship had on you.  What he is doing is taking "pot shots", going for the jugular, and trying to heighten your anxiety.  Well adjusted and loving people don't do that to people they love.  And hopefully that will be your cue to stay your course toward healing.

Please believe you did more than enough to help him.  You're wise enough to KNOW when a relationship is one-sided and you're not being heard.  You said in your early post that you felt faceless and hollow.  Is that how love feels?  If we were to sit down with an assignment, and the assignment were to jot down how love "feels", would one of the answers be love feels "faceless and hollow"? I don't think so.  Love with your friends feels SO MUCH BETTER than that!  Passing a stranger on the street can feel better than that.  True?  When you feel isolated in your own home, I believe you know.  Lostgirl... .you KNEW.  Trust what you knew to be right.

You ARE strong.  You can count on yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[lostgirljk]

Dear lostgirl-
I'm very sorry that your ex has written this email to you and that you're feeling this pain. .

Hi Gemsforeyes. You really are a gem; Gem by name and also by nature! What a touching reply. You have no idea how much it's helped alleviate the pain. I shed a tear when if asked in an assignment if love feels 'faceless and hollow'
I can't comprehend how someone would want to heighten my anxiety, which is pure hell as it is, I don't need any more :-D But no, I get it to some degree; It's the nature of the illness. But that makes it all the worse because I can't simply tell him to f### off, which I would love to do!

Thank you Panda (as usual) Re FOG, I now see that it's pure and utter emotional blackmail.

If there's ever anything I can do to repay your support and kindness, please let me know xxxx