With BPD gf in breakup

[MarvinTheRobot]

 Hello,

 I've been reading the forums and the articles in the site for about some time now, but haven't actually had the courage to write my story so far.

 I had a relationship with a uBPD girl for about 11 years, we have two boys, 3 and 5. And the things were as they usually are in BPD relationships, on and off, push/pull. This year is no exception, but it feels like this breakup is the final one (Not that it didn't feel like this some of the times before). I triggered her abandonment issue when I walked out the house, wanting to get a day off in my family house after 2 days of silent treatment from her.

 I didn't know anything about BPD until then, I thought it was just "the way women work", but after an argument she directly told me, that she thinks might have BPD, and needs help. Than I started reading about it, I wanted to be absolutely sure that this is the case.Got a couple of books for BPD, started educating myself about it, found this website, looked at the forums and got familiar with the disorder. Now I am almost 100% sure she have it, or at least have most of the major symptoms.

 In the winter we went NC for about 2 months, but I wanted to visit my kids, so we started communicating via e-mail. For the next 2 months I've tried to keep the contact strictly about the kids, trying to not hit some other trigger, as she seemed emotionally unstable. She told me that she's fine and happy now without me and that the kids are getting used to the situation, but my older son, started to act strangely lately, he is very distracted, almost not responsive at times and very emotional. He told me that his mom yells at him too much and that she cry at night. She lives with her mom, and it is her mother who is actually taking care of the kids now. She started work after about 2-3 years sitting at home, and then became more distant.

 About a month ago she started to try to have more personal conversations with me, and started again telling me that she thinks, she might have some sort of mental problem, but denied that it has anything to do with BPD. Than I told her, that I've read a lot of information on psychology and I can share some of it with her. Didn't directly tell her i think she have BPD, just sent her some DBT related videos, I wanted not to rush her into therapy. She started watching them, and things seemed to get better. I send her more materials, and she told me she reads them and is interested.

 Until yesterday... .I found out that she didn't even looked at the videos and did not read single article of what I've sent her, and that she doesn't even care about BPD. Than I made a mistake and confronted her directly about BPD. Told her that either she gets help about it, or I will stop support her, and stop helping her. Than she split me black again. She told me, she will have my parental rights, she blocked my phone again and told me to not contact her ever, that I messed her life, and she is perfectly fine without me.

 I have issues myself trying to cope with my co-dependacy and depression. I am in no good condition to take care of the kids myself at the moment. And I have no idea that direct approach about her having BPD will have any positive impact on her, or if it will make things worse... .So far it looks like I've made a huge mistake telling her directly that she needs help and that I think she have BPD.

 I love this women, she's the mother of my kids, I love my kids also. I cannot bear watching her destroying all we've made and cannot watch my kids suffer like this. But it seems like all is lost now. She says that she doesn't love me anymore, and acts like she want's me totally destroyed. I have no idea what to do, please advice... .


Thank You!

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[gotbushels]

Hi MarvinTheRobot 

It seems you're going through some difficulty with your partner. It's not easy going through arguments involving one partner looking at the idea of another having some sort of disorder. It's good that you've been considering BPD and it's consequences seriously.

You've come to the right place to find some support. Yes, I do believe it's a good idea to have an adequate view of our idea of ourselves in addition to our roles in the relationship with the partner. What are you looking at now to help your situation with your children?

I hope to hear more about how your story develops. 

[MarvinTheRobot]

 Hey, gotbushels

 Thanks for the reply. Right now I am trying to focus on myself, since I am in a depression, left my job and if I don't do something about this I'll soon be broke too. I am in no position now to help my children and my partner.

 It's really hard for me to "put myself back together", and because my co-dependant traits, I am looking for validation and support from her. Which is not happening since she painted me black, and acts as she is actually enjoying watching me going down. She is cold and distant and seemingly doesn't care for me at all.

 I have good profession (Programmer), so it will not be hard for me to get a job. But its hard for me to stay concentrated and focused on work now.

 I have looked at some techniques about overcoming anxiety (like Mindfulness). Learned to meditate and it does help a bit, but only for short periods of time. I try to stop fixating myself on her, but it also does not work all the time. I also went to therapy for about half year, they gave me Xanax, which gave very bad side effects, so I had to stop it.

 I know that if I want to help her, and our kids I need to help myself first, but it's so hard when I want her, just to talk to me, and be friendly at least.We've been together for 11 years and it's so hard to believe that the person, who yesterday told me, she loves me more than anything, now acts like a total stranger, and doesn't care at all for me, even if we have two small kids together... .

[MarvinTheRobot]

 Sorry, couldn't find how to edit my previous post, so I'll make new one.

  I am not really sure what triggered her this time. I think the main thing was that one day last year, she was snooping in my FB messages and saw a conversation of me and a girl from 6 years ago, when she and I were separated again, and got jelous. I've tried to tell her, that at that time, we were not together, and I did not cheated on her, but was trying to move on, since I tought, that it was final, so I was trying to move on with my life and did start talking to other girls. At this time she seemed to accept it and calmed down, but I think she recall this latter, when she had a work travel, and it re-triggered her, but this time I wasn't there to calm her down.

 Back then when I tried to move on, but I didn't know anything about BPD and didn't even consider that she might want us to get back together some day, cause of the cycling. She was very clear then, as she is now, that its all over and cannot be repaired, and I should move on.

 The most confusing thing is, that I don't want us to be separated, I love her and I think its best for the kids if they have their father and mother together, but at the same time I want to be happy and have normal partner with me, who supports and loves me. And she clearly cannot give me this support as long as she doesn't seek help for herself.

 Before now I didn't even realized that this relationship is toxic, I was "walking on eggshells", so she can be happy, and all is peacfull. And didn't even see that I myself was in the fog and not taking good care for myself. Worst now is that I see my kids starting themself to walk on the same eggshells just so their mother don't get angry with them.

[gotbushels]

I can appreciate how hard this is for you. You have two children, you have your own issues, and you want to have some kind of relationship with this person.

I think it helps here to have some self-compassion. What that may mean for us is to get our lives as individuals sorted as best as we are able to. Things tend to get better when we get this sort of momentum. In this way, it's good you're looking at what you can do for yourself. It's difficult to recognise that you are in a poor position to help your children and your partner. I know some of what that feels like. On this idea of self-care, what do you think the best thing is for you right now?

Don't sweat it if you find yourself consistently drifting to this worrying about a partner--I think it's part of the process with these types of relationships. It was hard for me when my work life was suffering because of my personal life, especially because of my ideas of supporting a family--so I do think you're on the right track with the self-care portion.

[MarvinTheRobot]

 Thank you for the reply gotbushels.

 It's really hard when our relatives and friends are used for me to appear "normal" and have full time job with good salary, spending lots of time with my kids and cannot understand why it's so hard for me to behave the same way now. So they blame me of becoming lazy, and her for "ruining me".

 And I know it's part of my own personality to care too much of what people say and think about me, but that doesn't help right now. The guilt and the shame of not appearing "normal" is not helping me fight the depression. Also the "get a grip" approach, I don't think this works with depression.

 I hope with time and information on this website/messageboard and other internet resources I can get more control over my personality and emotional balance. So than will be able to help my kids and their mother.

 I also hope she soon, gets out of the "angry" mode and at least try to talk with me without  yelling at me horrible things or threatening me of taking my parental rights, which also does not help fighting this depressive episode.

[gotbushels]

I understand what you mean when we think family had this idea of us, but no longer seems to have it. It was hard at the time of going through it--so I can appreciate some of what you're saying and going through.

Honestly, I started to feel like my grasp of who I was wasn't as solid as I had been living it. The glove seemed more like latex rather than a sturdy leather glove. I encourage you with the knowledge that it gets better. I found I learned a lot of things from these ideas of what I should and shouldn't be doing regarding my family. What was the right path, and how that's distinguished from the path I want to take. I do think this is one area that I can recall the before-and-after and say that I'm more confident than before my relationship. You can look forward to it. 

This thing where people don't seem to understand what you're going through--I think that's quite special to the members of this board. I do believe people who've gone through a relationship with a person with strong pwBPD traits have gone through a special experience. You'll hear all kinds of things that people try to use to help you get out of your funk. "Get a grip." "Be a man." "See that you ****ed up and get back to what you were doing." Etc.

What now MarvinTheRobot--what's the best thing for you right now regarding self-care? 

[MarvinTheRobot]

What now MarvinTheRobot--what's the best thing for you right now regarding self-care? 

 Considering my current situation in which I did messed up, by confronting her directly about the need of her getting help and thus invalidated her current feelings of "being well" (regardless of what I, my kids and her mother see). I think the best way for me is to get some job, and fight off the depression. That of course is common sense, but with the depression common sense is hard to get into action :-)

 I go out with friends, do fun stuff, play guitar... .all the things the books say. I try not to stay at one place just thinking how "bad" my situation is.

 But what I think is actually helping me the most is trying to understand BPD and the way BPD people think when they act the way they do. I watch a youtube channel of a girl who is recovering from BPD. She's talking of what she feels when invalidating and ignoring someone, and it helps me realize that the way my ex acts is not personal.

 I know it's not the best way to go if I want to stop myself from thinking about her, but even if she doesn't want us to recycle our romantic relationship, we have a co-parenting to do and it requires some sort of good communication skills. So at least I can gain some tools of handling my communication with her so it's not constant fights and drama. And I also am learning things about myself in the process.

[gotbushels]

Good ideas. I encourage you to remain focused on these things.

I think it's big and worthwhile of you to see your role in a conversation about BPD and her getting help.

I strongly encourage you to stay focused on working at your employment and your depression.

Having gone through a lot of sadness myself, I do think that there's no substitute for healthy living and tackling issues head-on. What that may mean for you may be to get to the root of your depression.

It will help if you have the finances to afford a good T or P to help you along. I enlisted the support of a good P around the time of my relationship and it has paid off many times over.

Well, regarding the tendency to understand BPD, something that may help you is this quote that helped me.

"Understanding is often a prelude to forgiveness, but they are not the same, and we often forgive what we cannot understand (seeing nothing else to do) and understand what we cannot pardon."

To help you understand where all this fits in, I think it's about caring about yourself enough to work through the relationship part of "What does it take to make it?"
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[MarvinTheRobot]

 Well,

 Today I got a part time job. And than she called and informed me that she will sue me for not paying the child support this month... .

[MarvinTheRobot]

 I just... cannot understand all this aggression... I know it's emotional, but it's just too much for me. I cannot understand what is it with these people, I supported her for more than 10 years, I was good with her, good father, always gave her as much financial and emotional support as I can, how is she able to be so mean and cold now? How can so much neural connections of memories get deleted in so little time... .?

[MarvinTheRobot]

 Little update,

 I got to talk to her. I was very gentle in the conversation and got her to open up for me. She told me, she is drinking and is doing crazy stuff lately. I think it was more like she was looking for me to validate her behavior, i didn't and tried not to judge her. The conversation went calm, she cried a little, raged a little and vented out some emotions, but I remained calm. We were talking about psychology and arranged the schedule for the kids. She's in denial about the BPD now and claims it's just stress. Does not remember anything what she told me about her having BPD and us trying to find good T to help us.

 It's hard watching the person who you love going trough tough times and not being able to do anything about it. I'm now in the "indifferent" stage and she's mostly ignoring me. She's mailing me some articles about psychology,  and it seems pretty random. I think she's just trying to make me believe she's actually looking for help, just so I can stay close while she's looking for a new supply.

 I am not sure how I will proceed, it seems like this is where I get off the "crazy train" and move on. I know this is my best option atm and it's pretty sad that she can't see she is destroying her life, my life and the kids life this way.