my story

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hope I am posting this in the right place. I wondered if anyone might give me feedback.

I'm 43. In October 2012 I met a girl via online dating, I married her by November 2013. My parents expressed concern at the speed but I was turning 40. More than that she had said her family in the old country (she grew up in Russia) would be ashamed of her living with a man.

I have in my life had several relationships with highly aggressive women, and one had told me she had borderline personality disorder. This girl seemed very different so personable and kind. After 3 months of dating I ended it, I had got tired of her talking to me about her super rich boyfriends, it was non stop. Also she sometimes said things like "it is more important for me that a man can take care of me than that I love him". She kept secrets, her name was not her real name, her age was 5 years older than she said and so on.

She was hugely charming. My best friend asked to see me a month before the wedding and said "my wife and I think she is marrying you for your money"... .I knew I had different values to her. She always had to have the best of everything - anything below that and the charm disappeared and she got angry.

I married her. From the honeymoon she was different, a bag of nerves, and controlling. I felt very lonely in the honeymoon I was always working around on my own. I was over spending I think to compete with her ex lovers... .I have my own business, employ a few people, but I had never heard of people with the wealth she talked about. She seemed vaguely dissatisfied with the honeymoon, and then did not like my flat when we got back. I was always looking at properties on my own. Eventually I found a great rental but we lost it because she wrote such a demanding letter to the landlord.

I was lonely in the marriage , she did not seem to want to eat with me or watch tv with me. However perhaps I was being needy. I eventually bought a house, I told her if you decide you don't like it we will have big problems, so please tell me if you don't like it. Of course two weeks in she said she didn't like it and I had a sort of breakdown... .I had done it all for her ... .it was not my area of the city, it was far from my friends and family, I did it for her.

After a year and two months I moved out... .I gave her six months... .I told her I was angry she just replied "I am angry too" ... .and she used religion on me... .telling me I was cursed and so on. She then tried saying it was because I had aspergers. She refused counselling saying she was "more clever than any counsellor" at the end she did ask for it... .So I filed for divorce and tried to go no contact... .My mother had said "she does not have feelings like you - she does not have the same emotional spectrum" and she did sometimes seem to have no feelings.

My research made me think it was narcissistic personality disorder... .I rented her an expensive flat, took care of her and made the settlement generous. And then I went no contact. And she has stalked me for a year... .I ended up renting a different flat as she was always following me home and waiting outside my place.

So last November she was there outside my flat and I drank wine with her and I believed her. I believed she was not a stalker but a heartbroken woman and I had abandoned her. This feeling nagged and nagged at me, I kept talking to my counsellor who had only ever advised me to stay away from her. So I saw a new counsellor... .

He said it was a terrible decision but he was 51% in favour of my seeing and seeing how I feel. He felt she was just someone who saw the world in a different way to most people. He also believed my family had pressured me out of the marriage. I did see her, and I opened communications and now I do not hear from her. Today her sister wrote to me... .from Russia... .

I am in a state now of thinking I left my wife for no good reason. That I am a weak man.
I cannot talk to friends and family as they simply cannot hear anymore about it, it has been a life ruining experience... .  I could try and reconcile with her but I dont think my family would speak to me again... I don't know how I feel about her, only love and a sense of not understanding how her mind works.

She does lack empathy. She is in love with herself. I am someone who works very hard, has lots of friends, a lovely family, but I lack confidence, I think someone we bonded and connected. I believed this to be true even more when reading The Human Magnet syndrome.

I will pause here and appreciate any feedback, just I feel a bit in distress... .as there has never been a situation in my life which I have not quite been able to resolve in this way. Many thanks and apologies for any spellings and general rambling.

[beowulf]

Hope I am posting this in the right place. I wondered if anyone might give me feedback.

I'm 43. In October 2012 I met a girl via online dating, I married her by November 2013. My parents expressed concern at the speed but I was turning 40. More than that she had said her family in the old country (she grew up in Russia) would be ashamed of her living with a man.

I have in my life had several relationships with highly aggressive women, and one had told me she had borderline personality disorder. This girl seemed very different so personable and kind. After 3 months of dating I ended it, I had got tired of her talking to me about her super rich boyfriends, it was non stop. Also she sometimes said things like "it is more important for me that a man can take care of me than that I love him". She kept secrets, her name was not her real name, her age was 5 years older than she said and so on.

She was hugely charming. My best friend asked to see me a month before the wedding and said "my wife and I think she is marrying you for your money"... .I knew I had different values to her. She always had to have the best of everything - anything below that and the charm disappeared and she got angry.

I married her. From the honeymoon she was different, a bag of nerves, and controlling. I felt very lonely in the honeymoon I was always working around on my own. I was over spending I think to compete with her ex lovers... .I have my own business, employ a few people, but I had never heard of people with the wealth she talked about. She seemed vaguely dissatisfied with the honeymoon, and then did not like my flat when we got back. I was always looking at properties on my own. Eventually I found a great rental but we lost it because she wrote such a demanding letter to the landlord.

I was lonely in the marriage , she did not seem to want to eat with me or watch tv with me. However perhaps I was being needy. I eventually bought a house, I told her if you decide you don't like it we will have big problems, so please tell me if you don't like it. Of course two weeks in she said she didn't like it and I had a sort of breakdown... .I had done it all for her ... .it was not my area of the city, it was far from my friends and family, I did it for her.

After a year and two months I moved out... .I gave her six months... .I told her I was angry she just replied "I am angry too" ... .and she used religion on me... .telling me I was cursed and so on. She then tried saying it was because I had aspergers. She refused counselling saying she was "more clever than any counsellor" at the end she did ask for it... .So I filed for divorce and tried to go no contact... .My mother had said "she does not have feelings like you - she does not have the same emotional spectrum" and she did sometimes seem to have no feelings.

My research made me think it was narcissistic personality disorder... .I rented her an expensive flat, took care of her and made the settlement generous. And then I went no contact. And she has stalked me for a year... .I ended up renting a different flat as she was always following me home and waiting outside my place.

So last November she was there outside my flat and I drank wine with her and I believed her. I believed she was not a stalker but a heartbroken woman and I had abandoned her. This feeling nagged and nagged at me, I kept talking to my counsellor who had only ever advised me to stay away from her. So I saw a new counsellor... .

He said it was a terrible decision but he was 51% in favour of my seeing and seeing how I feel. He felt she was just someone who saw the world in a different way to most people. He also believed my family had pressured me out of the marriage. I did see her, and I opened communications and now I do not hear from her. Today her sister wrote to me... .from Russia... .

I am in a state now of thinking I left my wife for no good reason. That I am a weak man.
I cannot talk to friends and family as they simply cannot hear anymore about it, it has been a life ruining experience... .  I could try and reconcile with her but I dont think my family would speak to me again... I don't know how I feel about her, only love and a sense of not understanding how her mind works.

She does lack empathy. She is in love with herself. I am someone who works very hard, has lots of friends, a lovely family, but I lack confidence, I think someone we bonded and connected. I believed this to be true even more when reading The Human Magnet syndrome.

I will pause here and appreciate any feedback, just I feel a bit in distress... .as there has never been a situation in my life which I have not quite been able to resolve in this way. Many thanks and apologies for any spellings and general rambling.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Beowulf, and welcome to BPD Family   

You sound very confused and I understand how distressing that is. It doesn’t seem as if you left your wife for no good reason. There are many things you wrote about that would make it very difficult for you to stay, but I understand the conflict when we love someone.

.I don't know how I feel about her, only love and a sense of not understanding how her mind works.

.

It would likely be a good idea for you to empower yourself by learning about the traits of BPD. Knowing a little about how her mind works will help you and you’ll become less confused. Keep reading and posting and we’ll walk you through it.   
. 

[beowulf]

Hi Larmoyant,

Thank you for the welcome and guidance.
I think I have been in a spin since engaging with her again. It causes me to doubt my actions which were carefully considered.
The new therapist has put forward this idea about not labelling her, learning how to communicate with her and how she was not in fact stalking, but doing the only thing she could do in the face of my going no contact. Telling me he was 51% in favour of my engaging with her again has left me confused.
That said, since talking to her again, she has not responded in any depth... she sends cheerful, one liner emails... Instead her sister has written to me from Russia... thoughout the relationship my ex used other people to talk to me. Everything was covert.  Her mistake was whispering in my mothers ear on christmas day that I was an alcoholic. She denies doing that but both my mum and brother say they were alarmed when she was being critical about me.
To outsiders the situation is "tragic" and "laughable" in friends words. To them it is obvious it is a bad situation for me. For myself this new insight from the new therapist makes me doubt my actions. I sometimes feel at least I would not carry guilt around with me.
Thanks for letting me just write this out, it helps me get clear on what has happened.
Since getting in the relationship I put on a huge amount of weight and have various warning signs regarding my health, cholesterol, blood pressure and gout... .Sometimes I think my body is telling me what my conscious mind finds hard to accept.

[Larmoyant]

Hi beowulf,

It’s difficult to make decisions when we don’t have enough information so it sounds like your therapist is helping you to understand where her behaviours are coming from.  Does he think you want to get back with her or is he aware that you’re confused at this stage? I’m interested in why he told you that he was 51% in favour of you engaging with her. Did he express reservations about this as well?

As for Christmas day it sounds as if your wife was devaluing you to your mother and brother. This is a common behaviour for pwBPD and very upsetting to be on the receiving end of. I’m sorry that it happened to you, but it’s good that you have your families support.

It seems that the relationship has taken its toll on you physically too and it’s very important to take care of yourself. These are all things to consider when we’re making a decision.

Are you planning on engaging with her again soon and have you thought about what you want to say?

[beowulf]

Thanks for asking me these questions Larmoyant

A big incident was my mother sitting me down (only once I explained I was really struggling since buying the new house, and she was really unhappy). My mum had used the 'psychopath' word, she said my wife had "tricked our whole family" i.e. she did seem to be different after the wedding. For example she told me I should give her dad a job in Russia (he does not speak much english), and if I didn't he could die. My mother then escalated things but saying if I ever had a child with her it would "kill her"... .  the new therapist said "your mother had no right to say that, saying that ripped the soul out of the relationship"... .

I can only say again my mother and then father only said these things when it seemed I was having some kind of breakdown. I said to the new therapist, OK I moved out, I warned her, she responded with nonsense talk about demons and devils, I filed for divorce, got her a flat and then went no contact... .I did what I really thought was best for everyone. Just why did it feel like my life felt a bit ruined, I was alone, I missed her and my life felt empty. The best session with him he had said I was best to continue no contact, he said "listen to your parents" and you have a "duty not to destroy yourself"... .but the second time when I said I was struggling he said the 51% thing. I do get on very well with her, we have a shared sense of humour and she is lovely company.

I am taken aback as she has stalked me for a year or 15 months, I opened up communication but now she seemes disinterested, it is insane to stalk someone, bombard them with cards and messages, then that person opens up communication and they become distant. This I think is a warning sign again. That makes me think I do not want to contact her again, I think she would have to string a few sentences together about what she has put me through. Will I ever get that from her probably not. I don't want to block her again, but I perhaps don't think I need to proactively engage with her.  I'd like my focus now to be on my health.
Thanks for drawing these thoughts out from me.

[beowulf]

I told my therapist it would be our last session for a while, at least a month. She sounded upset and said it was a pity I did not think the sessions were helping me. I just said I need time to decide assetively what my decision is around all of this without asking other people. I am so tired of being the only one who cannot see, and has to keep asking other people to see for me. It is like I cannot own my own feelings of anger about what happened.

I went to sleep content she was a highly damaged person, and I was right to move on as she had no ability to discuss things or take responsibility. She only had very basic skills such as denial and blaming others, which meant there was no intimacy in our conversation.

Then I woke today and felt a stab of pain about what I had put her through. It wasn't all her at all. I hope over the coming month to decide and move on without ever looking back as it has been two years now since I first left the house.

[Larmoyant]

Hi beowulf, it sounds like a good idea for you to take time out to figure out what you want. It’s good to get advice from caring others, but sometimes it gets confusing.

What helped me was to write out a list of all the good and all the bad parts of being with my ex.  Let’s just say that the latter was a lot longer than the former, but it helps to look at it spelled out on paper. I still look at it today if I find myself wavering and it keeps me grounded. If you haven’t already made your list I’d recommend it.

Like you I can see that my ex is a highly damaged person, and I’m also able to see my role in our conflicts, and it wasn’t all his fault. Sometimes I wonder if I could have changed anything if I’d reacted differently. The answer is no. He would still have a personality disorder and there is ultimately nothing I can do to control it. I could lessen the damage to myself perhaps, put up boundaries to protect myself, but that’s all. I don’t want to live my life trying to protect myself from my partner.

Time and space to think does help beowulf. I’m living proof and am in a much better position than a few months back.

Keep reading and posting here. We’ll help you through it.

[formflier]

I just said I need time to decide assetively what my decision is around all of this without asking other people. I am so tired of being the only one who cannot see

Hey... .just to confirm.  This counselor is one that your pwBPD suggested or wanted you to go to... .correct?

I think you are much wiser than you give yourself credit for.  Somehow there is a lot of self doubt.

I think taking time to decide is a wonderful thing... .   

I also think that it would be a good idea to sniff around for a T... .that is focused just on you.  No ties to the r/s.  You have some important things to think through... .FOR YOU.

I DO think there is value in moving beyond labels.   Focus less on words and more on actions.  I think you see just fine

When you "did" what she asked... .did she draw closer to you... .? 

FF

[beowulf]

Thank you Larmoyant,

I am glad you are doing better than a few months ago. I write out that list at least once a week ))
Deep down my fear is I am a neurotic who could not handle marriage. My friends and family tell me that is not the case. I can only describe it as being married to someone who was plotting against me. I could not have an open and honest conversation. My mother said it is just too painful for her to listen to now.  I do think, that example you give of writing a list, it is an example of getting in touch with your rational side... .you thinking self... .I think the sad emotions I have towards her... .I am projecting onto her how I feel... .she does not necessarily feel like I do at all.

Formflier... .thanks for giving me feedback also.
I dream of her often and last night another example. In the dream she told she was still faithful to me and desperate to get back together.
The counsellor is my own counsellor I have had for many years who always wants to take things back to my parents and early years... .I said to her I am exhausted from this, the last thing I want to do is alientate myself from my parents... .
I got tired and saw a new therapist who said instead "you have been spectacularly unlucky" and took out the blaming my parents. Instead he said move on, trust your parents, don't look back. When I saw him a second time and I got on very well with him. I said look, I saw her again and I believed her, she seemed so sincere... and that was when he said he was now erring towards my making contact with her.
I did and... .since I did we had friendly communication but now silence from her. I don't know if this is because she has moved on or she is finding this is drawing me back to her.
Thanks for saying I "see just fine"... .  I was in all the remedial classes at school, the teachers told my parents "he will never be able to write"... .well, I had a few inspired teachers and I went to university and set up a business... .maybe in another age they would say I had some kind of syndrome... .I can seem like I am pathologically trusting and naive... .  I forgot about all of this, but something about this relationship makes me feel I am back in the remedial class, unable to write and dependent on asking others... She pushed and pushed on that, saying I had aspergers, and she would only go to a counsellor who specialised in aspergers... But I am very sensitive and have a lot of empathy... .her waiting outside my apartment in the rain, when I had told her please not to do that, caused me huge pain. To be honest it caused me a degree of fear as well, never knowing when she would appear, at least now she can contact me if she wants.

[formflier]

.
  I don't know if this is because she has moved on or she is finding this is drawing me back to her. 

So... .it's always a bit of an inexact science... .trying to figure out why pwBPD do things.  However, you can generally trust patterns. 

"push/pull" is a "classic" BPD pattern and that seems to be what she did. 

At some point she "wants" to know you still care (for her purposes... not yours)... .so she reaches out.  That is the "pull"... .she is trying to "pull" you in.  You respond... she "gets what she wants" and now knows that she has control over you (in her mind)... .and then kinda thinks... ."Ohh my gosh... .I don't want to be close to him... .(especially now that her "need" has been fulfilled)... .so she pushes you away.  (by ignoring you)

I'd bet money that is what is going on... .

Few questions:  What is status of the marriage?

Do you still send her any money?

How long has it been since you guys have talked?

FF

[beowulf]

Formflier,

Well, I don't know what she has, there are just hints e.g. her father the day after the wedding getting angry and saying "she could have had a powerful man, a rich man... .pah... .she will not help you she is only decorative"... .  I had him and his family feasting on me in London for a week. Then a sudden turn about face. I still don't know what that was about.

I did wonder if now she feel she has "won" , only her pulling did last a year or so.

We are divorced, my lawyers wrote to her to stop stalking me after the divorce she ignored them. In the end I got angry and said I would call the police, she stopped then.

She has the divorce settlement now and I have stopped renting a flat for her, she is worried about spending the money she got from the divorce on rent. It was a six figure sum which she said "was no compensation for a broken life"... .I still rented her a flat for a few months after the divorce but that finished and that seemed to increase her stalking.

We lost spoke 3 weeks ago when I went to see her new flat. We had a drink and a meal... .we got on well, but she kept it light and jokey, we did not really talk in any depth. My mother is a very experienced therapist, please bear in mind she is overly protective of me. She said my ex was highly damaged in her early years, to her, you are just a character in her play. If you got back together she would soon move on and use you as a stepping stone (when she talked about her previous relationships she only mentioned the money and power about them... .)

I thought maybe with my opening communications she might take her chance to say something meaningful.

[formflier]

She was married to you for how long? 

Did she work or bring assets to the marriage?


FF

[acknowledgement]

No empathy. In love with herself. Push Pull. Devaluing.

Try to ask yourself if these are the traits and the experiences you wish in a relationship. With BPD, you will get that and so much more (some good times and feelings of love ON YOUR PART, and then so much more of negative, degrading, devaluing, all about them and their needs. THrow in some rage, silent treatment, stonewalling, painting you black, lies, trying to sabotage your happiness, trying to interfere in other relationships and a whole lot of irrationality and things are always their way or the highway... .

They are never satisfied, for they do not have depth. They are empty. They flounder to be someone, so they mirror you, someone else. They use you to fill a need, then discard you. Poof. It can be without warning, or you can be recycled as many times as they need you to fill them again, and you allow it... .thinking they will change. They never do.

But you do. You become crazed within yourself, trying to please them, walking on eggshells, wondering what you said or did to put them into a silent treatment or a rage... .you try to avoid that. Then it's something else. You are so tired and degraded by it all... .but you hold onto what may have been a laugh, good times, etc... .make an ongoing list of it all - you will hardly believe you went through it or put up with it when you go to read it back.

Try to embrace that you did not spend 30 plus years like I did in one of these relationships. Let yourself be free and open to a new and normal relationship. Making the list as someone else suggested in so powerful - write down all those horrible things she said and did, and then on the other side of the paper write down the few things you think you loved or liked. Seeing is believing, and when you see the CONS well overtaking the PROS... .its a light bulb moment. Keep the list for as long as you need it to reference to avoid contact and triggers.

[beowulf]

Formflier,

So we were married a year before I left the house. When we married she had nothing but debts, and I had quite a bit of savings, pension and my business. She worked but she spent all her money and often I had to give her money to tide her over until the end of the month. She never stopped spending. She was very anxious that she had the best of everything otherwise she felt like a loser. So I felt after a while she was feeding off me. I was actually OK with that, but then she said what I could provide her was not good enough.

When I bought the house in London, checked she liked it first, and then she said she didn't like it... that was when I had a bit of a breakdown. It was a deep wound to my sense of being a provider. All I wanted as I turned 40 was a family I could love and look after. I'm now 43, I feel anxious I only have feelings of 'love' for her, I tried dating but can only think of my ex. I have now left my city, and only go back there a couple of nights a week... .I just felt so sad and anxious. I live hundreds of miles away now not speaking to anyone but I'm in a beautiful place and feel my stress levels going down. Sadly part of me would like to take her up here to see and I'm hopeful she would love it here. (I won't do that though)

Acknowledgement
Thanks for the feedback. It is strange, years ago I was in a relationship with a girl who said she had borderline personality disorder. I felt we had a better connection than I did with my ex. My ex seemed so emotionally absent and cold. Her flash points where she escalates emotion and stalks has really been around fear of my turning off financial support - maybe that is not fair... .
So I suppose I do not know what my ex wife 'has' and this is where the new therapist blew my mind with his idea that I think if I can live with her accepting "she sees the world in a different place from you"... .that radical idea makes me feel I have wasted 2 years of her and my line in separating, divorcing and going no contact. I thought when I opened contact I would get a flood of communication... .but no... .

Thanks for listening

[acknowledgement]

were you referring to when you opened communication you thought youd get a flood of responses from her? with BPD THEY control, or need to control... .so if you are available again, that can be all the "feed" they need for the time. If you pull away and become less available, they may reach out directly, or through others, to ascertain they still have an emotional hold or otherwise on you. It is a push pull game where they make all the rules and you do all the suffering UNTIL you decide to make boundaries and stick firmly to them. For many of us, sadly, with a BPD No CONTACT is the only way to go if you want to be free of the chains of their irrational emotional abuse. It never ends until you free yourself... .point here - after 4 years NC she is stalking my family and casual friends to get information and see if there is still any connection... .they are all going NC with her too... .

[beowulf]

but how do I know if she has BPD?
This is the advice I took in, and I went no contact. Then I doubted myself when she seemed so sincere, when the therapist gave me that feedback... .my mind has been spinning. Could I really have wasted so much time and ruined our lives by my actions. She wrote to me end of November promising me it was not too late. She made a point of describing what our children would have looked like.
So yes, I thought when I opened up to her something would happen, but I've heard nothing. So maybe it is a game of the kind you describe above.
I could try talking to her again. By any account my life went off the rails from when I met her.
Perhaps I should be thankful it has gone quiet and move on now while I have my chance.

[formflier]

Perhaps I should be thankful it has gone quiet and move on now while I have my chance.

Please don't worry about diagnosis and labels.  She has BPDish behavior... .that is all you need to know. 

How many years total were you married?  I wasn't able to follow the math in your story... . 

I'll think about the rest of your questions and try to answer later.

FF

[beowulf]

Formflier, thanks so much...
I was married to her for 2 years, but a year of that we were separated. During the first 6 months of separation I agonised over what to do, and my priority was not to waste her time. When I moved out I thought she might phone me up crying and so on, but nothing, she seemed fine as long as I was paying. She didn't seem lonely. When I confronted her and said "I have moved out from the house I bought us, can you see what has happened? I am angry"... .she just looked blank and said "I am angry too"... .all the drama on her part came later.

Everyone told me she would go and I would never hear from her again once I paid her the divorce settlement. That simply as not the case there was an escalation of her "love" for me and her following me. It was these actions that confused me and had me going to a second therapist. I do think my family were extra fearful as she was from another country originally, and how overtly materialistic she was. My father said to my mother "the marriage can't work they have completely different values"... .this is true...   Just we did get on... .but maybe part of that was the charm she shows everyone, not something intimate between us.

[formflier]

F  and how overtly materialistic she was

And you paid her how much?... .for about 1 year together of marriage... .and one year of separation in marriage?

During that marriage... .it sounds like you paid her expenses as well... correct?

 

Not trying to be mean... .when dealing with FOG... .clarity is the best antidote to FOG.

FF

[acknowledgement]

push pull. they love to recycle you to make sure they still have emotional control over you. Sounds like she loves money, too... ALWAYS ALL ABOUT THEM. Anything they do that is nice is generally to gain something for themselves, whether at your expense or not, they do not care. Keep a journal of these events, experiences, push pull, silences... .keep reading them over and ask yourself do I want this in my life. WHY do I want this in my life? After you let people like this go, whether they are labeled BPD, have BPD ish tendencies... .this behavior is just unacceptable, mean, cruel... .when you eliminate them from your life with no contact, you invite and open yourself up to be truly free, and the possibilities of real love and friendships is available, as you are not consumed with the drama and irrationality of this type of person. Hang in there and stay strong and keep and reading that journal... .

[beowulf]

FF,

In addition to renting her a flat in prime London (that is what she wanted all along really).
Paying her expenses.
The divorce settlement was £115,000.00
And I didn't even feel it at the time, I just paid her and felt joy that now she "could not" contact me again. In my minds eye she ran off laughing with one of her investment bankers that she kept going on about. I did not bank on her standing outside my flat in the rain crying. The thing is what she really wanted was a baby, then she would have been set up for life. My whole family keep saying at least you did not have a baby with her then your life would have been ruined. They don't know about this latest contact and my doubts.

Acknowledgment

Thanks, you know it is great to tell this story to new people and get the feedback I'm not a fool for destroying my marriage after a year. There was one symptom I want to talk about I have not told others. When married to her, I felt I lost all power in my life. When we met in company I remember just tuning out, thinking nothing I say has any impact, so I am just going to pretend I am not here, almost going into daydream mode. I never do that but I felt like a mannequin.

Here is what she did. I have a creative business, I employ a few people, took me 10 years to build up... .by the time she finished with me, and she put it down so much... .I felt like I had nothing of any value, and she could almost help herself if she wanted. I felt so ashamed compared to her stories of her ex's ... .and early on she planted ideas in my mind "if you ever buy a girl a ring make sure its a Bvlgari"  - I didn't know what Bvlgari is... .the only things I spent money on is books and travel. She didn't want to travel with me after getting married. I bought the Bvlgari ring months later, and in the store, she complained and pulled faces in front of the store ladies, "and why not Cartier" she hissed... .That actually happened, despite her presenting herself as some kind of a wronged saint now.

[beowulf]

It should have been 50k, I let it run on, and it grew more and more... .she pushed for more and more by crying... .

Today I wrote to a friend that I did feel my life was a bit ruined. I know it is the depression talking. A have a good female friend I've known since school... .so she knows me very well. I said I felt like I had chased off the person who cared for me the most in this world... .she always said "I care for you more than she did, your other friends (naming names) care for you more than she did... .and as for your parents, don't even mention that as they adore you. That is just the thing somehow I let this relationship damage my relationship with my family.

Today I wrote to my friend, how is that she could stalk me for a year and then not communicate when I opened up communications... .she replied: "The words power, control and hook, line and sinker come to mind but you could always ask your therapist"
She thinks I saw a second therapist and paid him to tell me what I wanted to hear.

Yesterday was a good day, gym, no alcohol in my body... .today suffering. That was the other thing I always liked a drink but from the wedding I found I drank more and more around her, that is obviously on me, and I'm fighting that battle too.

[acknowledgement]

Add those cold remarks to your ongoing journal... .and again ask yourself... .is THIS a person I would want in my life... .do I want to be spoken to and treated that way? No contact is the best medicine against these irrational, self centered BPDs... .

[beowulf]

It is sad to someone someone in pain, regretting their actions.
You open a gateway to reconcilation and they go cold again.

One thing I am learning a relationship with someone like this can take up years of your life very quickly.

[acknowledgement]

The reality is that they DO NOT regret; they NEED something. for awhile. for a minute. You happen to be the one available, as they can manipulate you, your feelings... .so the cycle begins. They say they regret. You are hopeful. THey know they control you again. They toss you in silence or with cruel words or their view of rational and reality. You're out. You're back in when they need you to fulfill some emptiness inside of them. Now your choice again whether to be recycled and used to fill their void. This craziness will continue for as long as you allow it, as you are the rational one... .they are only capable of this type of behavior.

[beowulf]

It is 4am here, and it is like the fever has broken.
I don't have to feel super guilty for protecting myself, why is it just opening contact again and I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Thanks Acknowledgment, no wonder it is so painful for family and friends to see me being drained like this. The strange feeling of "I made it all up" can be very powerful for me.

[acknowledgement]

Thats where the power of the journal is... .by reading back their exact words, quotes of what they said, when, the experiences, situations... .you are left with the real TRUTH not their distorted REALITY. It brings so  much clarity and strength to be and stay NO CONTACT for you only invite all of the ghosts of the journal back into your life... .

[beowulf]

Thanks Acknowledgement

I just think I'm going through a bit of a hard time. Awake until 4am (it is nearly 5am now)... .tired all day, then it happens again mind racing at night. Acute sadness about the situation.

I do think this might be what I am going through, acute trauma and loneliness:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whjDeFZDEUk

Thanks for replying to me and validating what I have gone through.

[formflier]

I just think I'm going through a bit of a hard time. Awake until 4am (it is nearly 5am now)... .tired all day, then it happens again mind racing at night. Acute sadness about the situation.
 

This is something best addressed with a therapist.  The big view is that you need to honor your feelings and then figure out what to do about your feelings when they show up... .hopefully you can do things that help you get back to sleep. 

FF

[beowulf]

Many thanks FF, for all the feedback... .
I'm booked in to see my therapist on Tuesday, I need closure around the advice he gave me around the 51% and so on. It is good to realise you are depressed rather than mistaken or abusive yourself.