Am I ready to respond?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've posted here as I'm conflicted. Not about the decision to stay or go, because my relationship is over, but whether or not to respond to an email. I’ve been no contact for three months now and feel much calmer, in control of my feelings and more hopeful for the future. Yesterday my ex reached out to me again with a flimsy excuse. It didn’t trigger intense emotions in me like before, although it did make me feel sad. I’m wondering if I can handle responding to him? I know so much more about BPD nowadays, and am sure I can cope with it. I'm a little fearful it could stir up emotions in me, but if he devalues I’ll ignore and delete, if he goes silent, well he goes silent and I’ll get on with my day. I feel sad for him, in case he's on a downer, but it's about me too. I'm trying to work out what would make me feel better ignoring it or answering it. Has anyone else been here?

[Larmoyant]

I've posted here as I'm conflicted. Not about the decision to stay or go, because my relationship is over, but whether or not to respond to an email. I’ve been no contact for three months now and feel much calmer, in control of my feelings and more hopeful for the future. Yesterday my ex reached out to me again with a flimsy excuse. It didn’t trigger intense emotions in me like before, although it did make me feel sad. I’m wondering if I can handle responding to him? I know so much more about BPD nowadays, and am sure I can cope with it. I'm a little fearful it could stir up emotions in me, but if he devalues I’ll ignore and delete, if he goes silent, well he goes silent and I’ll get on with my day. I feel sad for him, in case he's on a downer, but it's about me too. I'm trying to work out what would make me feel better ignoring it or answering it. Has anyone else been here?

[chillamom]

Hi, Larmoyant, Believe me,  I'm not conflicted about leaving either, but I always scan through the other boards because so much wisdom can be found throughout this site, and your post popped up.  I can appreciate the quandary you're in, and I also know that the fact he emailed you again is something that you expected to happen eventually.  Three months is a long enough time for you to have gotten your feet under you; but do you think that even your milder emotion of sadness is enough of an indication that responding to him might set you back?  NOT a LOT, but enough to cause you to ruminate sufficiently to have a lousy weekend at the very least.  Honestly, you know that I'M in no position to give advice to ANYONE right now given that I can't even take my own, but I would at least hold off on responding for a few days if you possibly can just to see how you feel about it 12 hours from now - or 24 - or 2 days. 

In that way, you're not FORBIDDING yourself to respond, which would likely cause more consternation, but you're giving yourself the grace of a bit of time.  Perhaps you can find something enjoyable to distract yourself and let the question percolate a bit in the background while you go about your business. 

The fact that you feel sad for him indicates a vulnerability (of course), and many of our exes are exceptionally skilled at arousing this empathy, because they know our compassionate nature is a hook they can always depend on.  Feeling calmer and in control of your feelings is a wonderful place to be, but if you are even a little fearful of how you are going to react, I would hold off a bit.  You have worked very hard to get where you are now, and to let him put you off-balance, even for a short period of time, is giving him too much power in your life.  I can see how responding to this might allow you to "test" how far you have come, but I would wait and see how you feel after the rest of the day has passed.

Good luck with the decision !

[Grey Kitty]

Back up from the question of whether (and how) to answer the email.

You say you don't want a romantic relationship / recycle with him... .good you know your mind and have your heart following it, if not agreeing.

It sounds like you have some of those concerns about what he will do if you get back in contact... .but save that for a moment and ask yourself: What sort of relationship do YOU want with him?

Start with the assumption that he hasn't changed/healed/grown much regarding his BPD-driven behavior.

If you want to be friends with him, I've got a prediction: How he treated you as a SO will show up a lot in how he will treat you as a friend.

If in your r/s you were worried that you would say one random thing, or worse yet an invalidating thing, and he would then push you away for who-knows-how-long, because he did it regularly, you will get that in your friendship with him too.

I'm sure you are stronger and have better tools, and will handle it much better.

Think about what you want with him, AS HE IS, before you reply. If you want some kind of contact/friendship, reach back to him and offer it.

[Larmoyant]

Almost two days of ruminating and I’m still confused. It’s made me realise that maybe I’m not as detached as I like to think.

.The fact that you feel sad for him indicates a vulnerability (of course), and many of our exes are exceptionally skilled at arousing this empathy, because they know our compassionate nature is a hook they can always depend on.

.

chillamom, this is such a good point. I’m making an assumption that he’s feeling sad and that still tugs on my heart strings. In reality, he could also be feeling angry as he contacted me a few weeks back and I didn’t respond. I was unsure so I let it fade away. I am still fearful as he has a way to get under my skin and I’m still feeling a little vulnerable. I have taken a giant step back to process this. Your advice was sound and much appreciated, thank you.

Grey Kitty,

.You say you don't want a romantic relationship / recycle with him... .good you know your mind and have your heart following it, if not agreeing.

.

The battle between my head and my battered heart has mostly been settled. I feel like the parent who has wisely taken back control, although I’m still a little vulnerable, therefore very wary. I’m aware that I still miss the ‘good’ him. In truth, and in an ideal BPD free world, I would like a romantic relationship with ‘Dr Jekyll’, but ‘Mr Hyde’ comes as part of the package and I cannot risk anymore damage to my self-esteem. In fact, as far as he’s concerned I have a suit of armour on ready to deflect any further blows.

[/quote]…….What sort of relationship do YOU want with him?[/quote].

I haven’t really thought that far ahead. It’s highly likely that he’ll disappear as soon as he gets a response from me. I suspect that if he feels he cannot control me then he won’t want to be friends.

I’ve confused myself even more now. I both want and don’t want to respond.

I’m still battling some resentment for all the pain and heartache he caused. At the same time, I’d like to let go of it. Take full ownership of my part. When I take responsibility, I feel stronger and that makes me feel that I could respond. I see it as being fair. He, as a pwBPD or strong traits of, is suffering emotionally and I have such compassion for this. I think he tried to have a relationship with me and it makes me feel sad for him. I need to reconcile these thoughts and feelings, resentment towards him vs compassion.

I think I’ve reconciled Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. They are one and the same, it’s who he is. I’ve accepted this and no doubt any future friendship would include the same BPD behaviours accept at a much safer distance.

I must sound like a crazy person. I have no idea where I’m going with this. ☹

[Grey Kitty]

I think I’ve reconciled Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. They are one and the same, it’s who he is. I’ve accepted this and no doubt any future friendship would include the same BPD behaviours accept at a much safer distance.

I must sound like a crazy person. I have no idea where I’m going with this. ☹

I think you have your sane answer there, if you look a bit deeper.

You aren't ready to be friends with him today.

It takes a stupid-crazy-huge amount of emotional energy to just be civil with him over email today.

Give him another month or three, and see if you feel differently then. Keep your distance now.

[Larmoyant]

You aren't ready to be friends with him today.

Somehow or other I pushed through the urge to respond to him. I recalled the last conversation we had when he told me that he loved me, but cared for someone else now. I’m not even sure that was true or not as he could have been trying to hurt me, or even test me or something, but I’ve decided to take it on face value. If he cares for someone else now then he needs to focus on her. I’m sure she could do without an ex gf in the picture. I’m going to keep on moving on. It has helped to get this all down in writing. I spent a long time ruminating on this, but I feel as if I’ve achieved something this morning. It feels like I’ve put my welfare first. Thank you for your help.

[formflier]

Can your write a quick response and post it here... .

I tend to come down on the side of communicating... .but doing so honestly and succinctly.

If there is hurt or other feeling from a conversation you didn't like... .tell him.

"Hey... .please understand that I'm saddened by the last conversation we had regarding your love for me and your choice to be with someone else.  I'm not ready to be friends right now."

Send... .done.

Always a good idea to come back to it before sending... .try to cut it in half.  Usually fewer words are more powerful.

Taking my own medicine...

"I'm sad from your profession of love for me and your confusing choice to be with another.  I'm not ready to be friends."

Or

"I'm saddened by our relationship.  Please respect my privacy"

Thoughts?

FF

[cantmoveon]

I know so much more about BPD nowadays, and am sure I can cope with it.

That's what I thought. Months of healing by reading about this disorder, sighing with relief from every sentence realizing it wasn't my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. Felt like I could confront her as a friend, immune to the tricks.

Within minutes the manipulation and oddities began and my mood started to deteriorate. Started to remember how much I loved this person and what they did to me. Realized there was no attachment on her end. Just everyone else was busy or asleep or ignoring her so my card got pulled.

Luckily I said the wrong thing (Not sure what?) and they abruptly freaked out, insulted me, cut off contact again.

You will never adapt to the mind games. They have the advantage of being able to instantly switch between extreme passion and complete detachment, something that takes you months, years of your life.

[Larmoyant]

I was just in the middle of writing to say thank you FF and cantmoveon for your responses and to say that my wanting to respond was me going back into the FOG, feeling sad for him and thinking that I could handle him now. That it was a moment of weakness, but that I was now back on track with detaching. But, he’s now contacted me twice more and an hour ago left a message, sounding irate, saying that I am being unreasonable not talking to him.

I went through an 11 month break-up where he got to keep telling me that he loved me, but had moved on now. Finally, I saw sense and decided to go NC. We had our ‘closure’ moment. As I mentioned before he told me he cared for someone else now but loved me very, very much and always will. I told him I loved him too and that was our closure. I was sad, but accepting of it. Three months later I’m in a much better space. Still recovering but for the first time in almost 3 years hopeful that I can have a future again.

It has shaken me up a little as I’m not sure what to do.

Right this minute I’m experiencing some familiar feelings and I’m not happy (1) thoughts of a possible recycle attempt should I re-engage and (2) a little bit of fear (3) sadness for him as it must have taken a lot to leave a message.

[DearHusband]

Larmoyant,

If you do contact him, have you thought about what he wants to hear from you? I'm guessing that he wants to hear that he mattered, even if things didn't/won't work out. He may want to hear that you are not dating anyone. Rather, you want to just be alone because it's going to take a lot to get over the relationship, but there is no going back. That way, he can salvage his pride without building up false hope.

Good luck.

[Panda39]

Larmoyant,

This is all about him... .what he is feeling... .what he wants... .what he needs in this moment.  This is FOG.  Why feed this?  What purpose does it serve?  What does it do for you?

I think all of these conflicted feelings you're having might be the old Larmoyant (your usual responses) and the new Larmoyant (learned healthier responses). If your conflicted how about deciding to take no action.  No action can be a choice.

Panda39

[Larmoyant]

Hi Lynda & Panda, thank you for your responses.

I thought about this for a long time, but ended up answering. He left two more messages asking for the return of some old belongings, and I could tell his anxiety was escalating. He actually sounded distressed and I found that too difficult to ignore. I sent a text saying I was surprised to hear from him and that I’d call him back the next day. I needed time to think of what I was going to say.

I rang him mid-morning and wasn’t in the least bit surprised that he didn’t pick up. I left a message that if he wanted to he could call me in the afternoon. I have yet to get a response. I’m fine with it.

This has been a major test for me. I am ok, not shaking, not feeling ill, but calm and collected. If I never hear from him again, fine, if he does contact me again then I know I can cope with it.

I really have come a long, long way and never thought I'd reach this day. I truly think I'm going to be ok now.

[formflier]

I really have come a long, long way and never thought I'd reach this day. I truly think I'm going to be ok now.

Hey... .     you've taken some steps and it appears you feel OK with what you have done.  

It also doesn't seem like you are surprised by what actually happened (the not picking up).  

Did he text back?

I'm a big fan of taking steps and being introspective of the impact on your feelings.  That's a very very good cycle to be part of.

I'm also mindful that you are being careful... .as it appears you don't want to repeat patterns from the past that you didn't like.

Questions to ponder

What was it that finally move you from thinking... .to texting?  Then from texting... .to dialing.

I would hope that you can have a clear answer related to what you were thinking AND feeling.  Those being two different things.

Just like you would evaluate yourself after a gym workout... .to figure out what you want to work on more next time... .I hope you can come to similar conclusions about your recent decisions.

Specific thing to plan for:  

Let's say he doesn't reach out anymore...  :)o you contact him again... .or is your text and call good?  

and... .

Let's say he does reach out and "wants to go there... "    Are YOU going to redefine the relationship... .or will you ride along with wherever he takes it...  Not something for YOU to figure out "in the moment"

You are doing good things here for you!  Keep up the good work!  

FF

[Larmoyant]

Thanks for asking me these questions FF. They've helped me process all of this. Sorry it's a bit long.

It also doesn't seem like you are surprised by what actually happened (the not picking up).

.

No, I wasn’t surprised, in fact I predicted it. Our history is full of push/pull behaviour where he approaches and withdraws so I was prepared.    

.Did he text back?

.

No he didn't. I'm almost, almost smiling here, not through joy of course, resignation maybe?

.I'm also mindful that you are being careful... .as it appears you don't want to repeat patterns from the past that you didn't like.

.

Yes, I'm protecting myself from the inevitable blow.

.What was it that finally move you from thinking... .to texting?  Then from texting... .to dialing.

.

The answer is FOG.

His persistence and tone felt threatening, and triggered memories, he is a major, out of control ‘rager’. I felt obligated to respond as I do have some of his things, and guilty if I didn’t. I felt sorry for him, and imagined him feeling sad and abandoned. I’ve seen him like this before and it gets to me. Rescuing mode I suppose! In fact, these care-taking tendencies have tripped me up quite a few times, but at least I’m aware of them now.

I did think about myself as well and the need for self-protection that's why I delayed calling by texting first. I needed time and space to think. To balance my thoughts.

I dialled the next day because I was keeping my promise. I felt in control of my emotions.
 

.Let's say he doesn't reach out anymore...  :)o you contact him again... .or is your text and call good?

.

I won’t contact him again. I don’t regret calling because I felt like I was being true to my character. I don’t like the thought of people in emotional pain if he in fact was.

.Let's say he does reach out and "wants to go there... "    Are YOU going to redefine the relationship... .or will you ride along with wherever he takes it...  Not something for YOU to figure out "in the moment".

.

This question has stopped me in my tracks a little. I still have feelings for him, but Dr Jekyll includes Mr Hyde. They are one and the same and I’m not sure if I could go through all of that again. Being split black, pushed away, denigrated, abused? Then loved, and admired? No middle ground? Cheated on? Threats of abandonment or actual abandonment? I have trust issues of my own given my FOO.

I could not and would not go back for more of the same. Things would have to be different and given I couldn't count on him to change it would have to be me. Boundaries, better communication skills, etc. Not sure if I'm up for that. He is a BPD tornado. Too overwhelming for me.

This has really helped. Thanks FF