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Author Topic: Ex has made contact again 3 months on  (Read 445 times)
Larmoyant
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« on: March 22, 2017, 05:42:44 AM »

My ex has resurfaced after 3 months of no contact.

Last year I went through an 11 month break-up where he got to keep telling me that he loved me, but had moved on now. It was painful. Finally, I saw sense and decided to go NC.

We had our ‘closure’ moment. He told me he cared for someone else now but loved me very, very much and always will. I told him I loved him too and that was our closure. I was sad, but accepting of it. Three months later I’m in a much better space. Still recovering but for the first time in almost 3 years hopeful that I can have a future again.

Right this minute I’m experiencing some familiar feelings and I’m not happy (1) thoughts of a possible recycle attempt should I re-engage and (2) a little bit of fear (3) sadness for him as it must have taken a lot to leave a message (4) this is hard to admit, but dare I say it I'm glad he hasn't forgotten me.

Hearing his voice has shaken me up a little and I’m not sure what to do. He sounds irate and says I'm being unreasonable ignoring his recent texts.
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Sadly
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Very Single
Posts: 886



« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2017, 07:22:37 AM »

My dear Lar
Once again we find ourselves in similar circumstances, not good. In my case I saw my ex, in yours he has contacted you. Mine tried consistently contacting me. It hurt so much to know he was lonely and rejected but as with you the outcome would have been the same and so it would now. I never got closure, on the other hand there has never been a replacement but the pain remains the same.
Ok,
1. In your head you know not to re engage, it's your heart you have to get the message to.
2. Fear is understandable, just try and remember you have lived without fear for a while now and found it peaceful.
3. The sadness we both feel for our exes is part of who we are, kind caring and loving. Sadness about them and the whole situation is not a option, it's just there.
4. Is human.

The key words are he sounds irate and says you are being unreasonable. You are changing, he is not, he hasn't, he's lost his new toy and wants to play with his old one again (sorry, that doesn't sound very nice but you know what I mean.
You can and will get through this just as you have been doing, you are doing wonderfully well. Huggy things not working but I promise I am hugging you.
Lots of Love from
Sadly xxx
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Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
Larmoyant
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2017, 04:09:27 AM »

You are changing, he is not, he hasn't, he's lost his new toy and wants to play with his old one again (sorry, that doesn't sound very nice but you know what I mean.

Sadly, there is truth in that statement I am sure of it and/or he was just checking the 'attachment'.

He left two more messages asking for the return of some old belongings, and I could tell his anxiety was escalating. He actually sounded distressed and I found that too difficult to ignore. I sent a text saying I was surprised to hear from him and that I’d call him back the next day.

I rang him mid-morning and wasn’t in the least bit surprised that he didn’t pick up. I left a message that if he wanted to he could call me in the afternoon. I have yet to get a response. I’m fine with it.

This has been a major test for me. I am ok, not shaking, not feeling ill, but calm and collected. If I never hear from him again, fine, if he does contact me again then I know I can cope with it. Sadly, I really have come a long, long way and your support is much appreciated. I never thought I'd reach this day. I think I'm going to be ok now.

and Sadly, so will you   

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marti644
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« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2017, 04:24:26 AM »

Lar,

You're an inspiration. Thanks for sharing. I am over two months NC and am waiting for the recycle attempt. I feel it in my bones, although I pray it never happens and it is just the residual impact of the discardment and trauma bonds. Sounds like you are handling things great!
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2017, 05:12:27 AM »

Hi Marti, I felt it in my bones too and 'knew' it was only a matter of time before he called me. Listen to your instincts. Keep learning all you can about BPD, the clinical theories too if you like detail. I gained so much from this, e.g. schema theory and schema nodes helped me make sense of his seemingly different personas. The fear of abandonment/engulfment helped me makes sense of the agonising push/pull. It's allowed me to depersonalise the behaviours and realise that his behaviour was never about me or my worth. He can paint me black all he likes nowadays I know that isn't me. The trauma bonds are truly excruciating, but you will recover from them, in your own time. Two months is early days. One step at a time. Hey, if I can do it so can you   
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2017, 09:13:48 AM »


This has been a major test for me. I am ok, not shaking, not feeling ill, but calm and collected. If I never hear from him again, fine, if he does contact me again then I know I can cope with it. Sadly, I really have come a long, long way and your support is much appreciated. I never thought I'd reach this day. I think I'm going to be ok now.

This is good news, Larmoyant. I'm happy for you ! I encourage you to keep checking in with yourself. Pay attention to your needs first and foremost. After 3 months NC (the first time) I felt strong and like I could handle a long-distance, occasional email, friendly connection with pwBPD.

I was wrong.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  

But that's me, then, and not you, now. You got this.   And we're here for you.

heartandwhole

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
acknowledgement
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« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2017, 10:08:30 AM »

From my experience of NC, has been over 3 years, but BPD still trys to contact via other family and friends facebook for the validation that it was "not them" they are a "good person" and that they know you will get the message so they can still check off the "attachment" box to see if they can manipulate you again into sometype of contact... .so having said that, it has been SOO helpful, as this board has suggested, for me to keep copies of the texts, emails and anecdotal notes of the conversations, lies, manipulations, fights, etc. silent treatment, stonewall, etc. and re read them over againand I simply ask myself, if I listen to that tiny voice in my heart that yearns for them again, somehow wanting them to be what I know they cannot ever be... .am I willing to go through their recycling of me, with ALL of the anecdotal notes and experiences certain to occur again... .the answer is always NO and hence helps with the validation that NC is indeed the correct and HEALTHY way for me. They do not want you... .they want to use you and control you for whatever it is they need at the time... .
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chillamom
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« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2017, 03:53:46 PM »

Hi, Larmoyant, Just wanted to say that the way you handled this situation was positively inspiring to the many of us still dealing with the lingering feelings and empathy (which is likely pretty near everyone).  Sharing this with the group really helps, because it made me and probably others take a deep breath and realize that coping with contact in a mature and rational way is possible.  Hope to get there soon, and so glad that at some level you seem to have "surprised" yourself a little bit!
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Sadly
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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2017, 04:11:04 PM »

Hey Lar
so so proud of you.
Love from
Sadly   xx
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TitansBraves2017

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« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2017, 05:17:07 PM »

Just don't do it. It's not worth it. Be strong.
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2017, 06:15:24 PM »

Sounds like you're on the road to recovery from a BPD... .we all feel and have felt the same way... .NC is better for me, as my  heart feels sad, sorry, etc if there is any contact, and her attempts were cold and I believe she just wanted to make herself feel better that she was not to blame, was a wonderful person wishing "peace" and "hugs" etc... .it was really not about wanting to be friends again - it was the push pull do I still have control power etc. Just know you are so  much better off without their mental games... .contact for me just seemed to trigger the feel sorry for them emotion, maybe they are different emotion, miss the good times emotion... .(as they will often idealize again, or act like nothing happened, or engage with flattery, etc)... .UNTIL:
-I read back the texts, notes, etc that they had sent or said in their rages
-recalled the irrational, mean spirited, demoralizing, devaluing, paint black, silent treatment, etc that I put up with
-asked myself is this what I'm missing because this is what I will get again if I accept the contact... .
-Do I want to walk on eggshells again... .
the answer was always NO for me. Ask yourself those questions may provide strength and clarity... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2017, 08:14:33 PM »

It’s a few days later and I’m still feeling strong although yesterday I did cry a little. Just for a moment.

It’s the push/pull, I suppose, and memories of how painful this was/is to be on the receiving end of. Him frantically trying to contact me, telling me I’m unreasonable not talking to him, then when I respond he goes silent. Not one word, nothing. Come here/go away.

I was prepared and expected it so I don’t know why it made me cry. I sort of understand it now, from a borderline perspective that is. I’ve educated myself and it’s not so confusing. I can try to put myself in his shoes and it allows me to feel empathy for him. It’s not about me is it? It’s about the confused emotions in his head.

On the other hand, it is about me. It hurts when someone draws you in only to suddenly push you away. It hurts to have your feelings tossed around because someone cannot regulate their emotions and never knows what they want.

So, I broke down for a while there feeling sorry for myself and sorry for him. BPD is a heartbreaking disorder for the afflicted and those that try to love them.
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2017, 09:00:35 PM »

heartandwhole, you are another person here who has really helped me and I’m so grateful, thank you. I will heed your warning. It seems unlikely that we could be friends. Even if I wanted to whatever is going on in his mind seems to be preventing that. I think this will likely be a blessing for me long-term. 

Acknowledgement, his efforts to get my attention worked, triggering fear, obligation, guilt. He knows what works. I held off for a bit, but took the bait. I’m ok with it now. Him going silent  shows me that it’s all about control and whatever it was that he needed at the time. It was a good test of where I’m at in recovering from the horror of it. Also, I completely agree that keeping correspondence (and rereading posts here) helps. If I’m feeling weak, hurt, lonely, I like to go back to remind myself too. It helps keep the wolf from the door.

Hi chillamom, what a process this all is! It feels like a battle within. Lingering feelings of yearning, hurt, sadness, resentment, anger versus compassion and empathy for someone who is clearly suffering. This man has all but destroyed my life, torn my self-esteem to shreds yet I feel for him! Yet that’s where my ability to move past all of this seems to be coming from. I don’t understand it. All I know is that the yearning is painful, the resentment is painful, and it keeps me stuck. Compassion and empathy allows me to move away from it all and just let it be. Maybe this is the beginning of acceptance? Maybe?

TitansBraves2017, I WILL, thank you.

Sadly, I know you’re having a hard time at the moment. I’m here for you 

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« Reply #13 on: March 24, 2017, 09:15:49 PM »

We cry over our BPD loss, because we have REAL emotions and REAL love for them... .they on the sad other hand, have no real love for us, they simply use and manipulate us, then throw us away, in between we get an initial idealization and then a lot of emotional bashing, abuse, silent treatment, walking on eggshells and wondering what we did wrong, how we can not do that again, how we can avoid upsetting them, what really upset them, what is their rational, why are they so irrational... .all the while they are push pulling, controlling us with the abuse, manipulating us... THERE IS NOTHING TO DO TO FIX THEM... the only thing to do is LET THEM GO... .be grateful if they did you the favor of detaching and discarding... .It is so difficult to get your head around, and it is a process to let go of what you THOUGHT was there, but never really was. Keeping the notes of their behaviors, their perceived realities, the amount of silent treatment, etc. has really helped, even after all these years... .to go back and look at what I put up with... .and knowing that I am so grateful to have been discarded by a BPD, for I can honestly say my life is fuller, with REAL, healthy friends and relationships that cannot exist with the focus on a BPD, for they require you at their emotional beckon call. Be grateful, read your notes back, and stay NC... .you will cry less and less and be happier and happier. Trust that this is the truth!
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