The attacks never end, they just get more absurd

[RiseAbove]

I thought I would share an email I just received from by my ex uBPD. I have been divorced for over 5yrs now, and the ex just continues to slide into more absurd accusations, and needing confrontation.

The background to this episode is that my ex complained that I wasn't helping enough with the kids medical, so I started paying for dental insurance last year, even though I am not obligated to do so. Yesterday I took the kids to their bi-annual checkup, and, being kids of various ages they all have things happening-- like overbites, wisdom teeth, etc.

"As I indicated in my previous email, since I was not informed of this visit, thereby not allowing me to attend, I can not agree to anything for potential future care needed.  It is important to note, in case we end up in court, that the children have to brush their teeth each morning and they have to brush their teeth, floss their teeth and gargle each night at my house.  On the contrary, it is documented that the children often inform me that they are never made to floss and gargle when at your house and they often go without even brushing their teeth (either morning or night) when under your care."

It seems for the BPD whatever they believe is "documented" and must be the Holy Truth. Anything that happens that is bad is someone else's fault. I do wonder when I will finally get out from the feeling of always being 'under siege' because the BPD only knows how to attack.

[david]

I used to get emails like that and I could never figure out how to explain myself. After about three years of this I decided to change my action. I no longer reply to such emails. At first I still received a lot of emails every month. Eventually, year and a half to two years, things slowed down and I received less. I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month. I now get maybe 5. I consider that a major success and improvement.

[soundofmusicgirl]

ohhh  my this sounds soo familiar. Sometimes I really wonder if they all read the same instruction manual.
My DH got an email from BPDxw saying that she does not allow the children to brush their own teeth at our house since they were on the verge of having cavities after their last visit (at that point the most we had them was a week at a time... and they were 9 yrs old).

So I printed out a tooth brushing visual chart, put on a timer and modelled the brushing for them with funny animal analogies. Otherwise she will be brushing their teeth until the day they go to college (and who knows, maybe even then).

Same with washing themselves. By 9yrs of age they could not wash /shower on their own. They told us that mom does all the soaping up of their body and washing their hair. We gave them a short explanation and then closed the door and let them undress and get in the shower on their own. If they had questions they could always ask us and we mostly replied through the door. Which resulted in the child on the spectrum to shout out in joy that he will have to report to mom that he can now shower on his own

[flourdust]

I get those emails all the time. I ignore anything that isn't a question that needs answering.

Wife: "Blame blame lecture insinuation accusation condescension insult blame blame self-pity accusation threat blame what day?"

Me: "Tuesday."

[GaGrl]

I get those emails all the time. I ignore anything that isn't a question that needs answering.

Wife: "Blame blame lecture insinuation accusation condescension insult blame blame self-pity accusation threat blame what day?"

Me: "Tuesday."

Brilliant... .one of the best examples ever!

[livednlearned]

If this ever came up in court, it's also ok to just say, "The kids might not gargle every night. I'll do a better job keeping an eye on that."

Your ex just needs you to be beneath her so she can feel good about herself.

She feels scared and lost and lonely, and probably out of control. Her kids are extensions of her very self, and she lacks skills to deal with that kind of separation stress. This stuff is about her, not you.

Though I know it can be hard to see that clearly, especially if you are prone to second-guessing yourself.

My ex (former trial attorney who represented himself in court) once read his own emails in court, describing what a bad person I was as though that made it true.

Only someone with a PD would do that!

He wanted me to agree (on the stand) that he wrote those things.

 

Yes, Einstein. You wrote that email.

And?

[RiseAbove]

livednlearned-- I can't tell you how helpful it is to hear people like you reply with your own experiences, and be able to laugh at some of this stuff. That is probably the worst part about dealing with BPD's, they really do draw you in to their anxiety and irrationality. To think: I actually have spent a few minutes wondering to myself "would a judge/magistrate really care if my kids were gargling at night?" How stupid does that sound? (I was already preparing the Gummy Bear Defense, where I would put school mates up on the stand to testify that they had, in fact, seen my kids eating gummy bears that most probably came from my ex   )  (kidding, of course)

I do try not to second-guess myself like you advise, but, I have always been a creative problem-solver so conflict almost always gets me thinking about trying to solve the problem. As we learn with BPDs, there are ALWAYS more problems--it never ends.

She continues to threaten to go to court, which I find curious because she doesn't have a lawyer (since firing her previous one). Besides being argumentative and irrational, I don't think that qualifies her to represent herself (effectively) at least. So I'm thinking I need to let her play this out, since she won't stop until she has her Day of Justice. Anything we might agree on prior to that will at some point just be rejected/ignored. (or as she has proclaimed many times that I "bullied her" into agreements)

[david]

My ex has an attorney. What she does is send an email to her attorney stating that I am doing something horrible/wrong/etc to our kids. She then asks her attorney how to proceed. How do I know this you ask. She cc's it to me.   I never reply or do anything about it and it always goes away. I believe if I engaged by replying she would follow through and we would wind up in court again.

[livednlearned]

She continues to threaten to go to court, which I find curious because she doesn't have a lawyer (since firing her previous one).

Is there an uptick in the threats to go to court?

Any thoughts on why things might be getting more absurd?

[RiseAbove]

My ex seems to go in cycles-- my sister thinks it may be related to full moons   but I can't say for sure what makes BPD get worse. That being said, I do know that when my gf and I picked up my kids from the ex's house for a Thanksgiving trip, within a week the ex had called Child Services claiming child abuse, and, attempted to initiate a child support review even though our SPP says neither party will pay child support. That week was pretty h3llish, and I admit she got to me (fear of losing kids, even if unfounded is an emotion I couldn't just pretend-away) So, you could probably conclude that seeing me with another woman in an important role (my gf and I have been together for 2.5yrs) and thereby showing the BPD she is NOT important threw her over the edge.

This last episode seems more than a little coincidental to the timing of BPD's birthday-- when you are self-absorbed and wrapped-up in appearances I can't imagine birthdays are a positive event-- so maybe that had something to do with it?

Honestly, I try NOT to go deep into understanding the BPD mind, because frankly I can't get to any understanding when I apply logic and reason. One of the hardest things I am learning is to just not care-- like david was saying he just ignores the emails. I am going to try that out on this one where she is threatening to go to court. If I don't engage at all, she doesn't know what my answer/feelings really are, which I hope is exactly the point-- disengagement. Well, it's either that or learning to be resigned to fate-- I believe she won't stop until she has her day in court to spin her tale of sorrow and woe. I have read BPDs need to believe there is a Great Arbiter that will choose them and show the world they were always right.

[livednlearned]

That explains a lot.

My ex dysregulated times a thousand when he dropped S15 off early one day right when my SO was getting into his own car.

Same with holidays, birthdays, sad anniversaries (deaths in the family, etc.)

You may see start to see patterns. One day you will be reading an abusive email from her and look up, see the calendar, and realize, Oh yeah. It's Valentine's Day.

 

On a side note: The reason I felt compelled to learn more about BPD is that I thought my son might be developing traits. It can be helpful to dive into the material, if only to provide an antidote to BPD for your son. A good place to start is In Search of the Real Self by James Masterson.

He comes at BPD less from the categorical perspective (like Gundersen, who helped shape the DSM checklist), and more from a conceptual perspective, which I found helpful.

Non-BPD people like us have a real self. It might be an insecure self, but it's still a self. Whereas people with BPD do not have one. Reading that book made me understand what that really meant.

And then I could apply it to my ex's behavior and the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

[ugghh]

I am with David on this.  I just don't ever respond.  My uBPDxw has been on even more of a bender than usual the last 6 months, since the middle child has basically totally cut her off.  Kids are 23,21,20.   She continues to throw email bombs about ever 2 -3 weeks, the normal cycle being one email defending her raising of the kids, the second email accusing me of somehow threatening the kids if they talk to her, the third email telling me she is going to take me back to court.

They all get the same reply.  Silence.

I will be celebrating the third year of freedom this coming July and it gets better each year!

[FSTL]

I no longer reply to such emails. At first I still received a lot of emails every month. Eventually, year and a half to two years, things slowed down and I received less.

I did that and a variation - where there was something I had to reply to but it was cloked in emotion, I just told her I wouldn't respond as it was full of non-points. She soon learnt to stick to business if she wanted a response.

[Indyan]

Thanks to all for the kaugh, something I hadn't been able to do much when reading those crazy emails.

[Indyan]

Sorry, I meant the laugh (although I guess the caugh would also apply sometimes) 

[Mutt]

Hi RiseAbove,

Honestly, I try NOT to go deep into understanding the BPD mind, because frankly I can't get to any understanding when I apply logic and reason.

I don't think that you have to become an expert in BPD, I agree that it's complicated and it's hard to wrap your head around it. I don't know if my situation will help you, maybe it will, someone else mentioned that a pwBPD always has to have the upper hand because of how inferior the person feels inside, if my ex is upset about something or she's not getting her way she'll resort to threats or FOG, you have the Fear in FOG if she's threatening court for something as benign as forgetting to gargle or floss. She's emotionally blackmailing you, her bark is worse than her bite. Anyways I found it really helpful to spot when she's throwing up FOG and I tell myself, that's all that it is, nothing more, nothing less.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[NorthernGirl]

A few add-ons to what has already been shared.

In our case, DH's ex took DH to court trying to get sole guardianship of SS22 who has special needs. uBPD never brought up the issue of brushing teeth but did get into constipation and injuries from sports. She feels that SS22 could get injured because of his special needs, and she claimed SS22 was "always constipated" when he came to her house (during the months she was preparing for court, but never before that.)

The judge was very reasonable about these issues, saying that all people doing sports get injured in the decision where she named DH as sole guardian. The judge was silent on the constipation issue in her decision   but that's probably because she said in the hearing she couldn't believe how much time the lawyers were spending talking about it. Somewhere I read that people with BPD can obsess about their kid's bowel movements (it talked about how they keep Poop Diaries!), and DH's ex is one of those people. Better teeth than poop?

People with BPD can project what they are doing as though it was the other parent doing it. uBPD raged about the food SS22 ate at our house, but we know he ate far worse at her place.

I would presume if you end up in court that a judge will expect you to be a reasonable parent. So my advice is to focus on being a good parent rather than worrying about how it might show up in court. I know this isn't easy but it's a better place to get to if you can.