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Author Topic: divorce is about to happen and i just discovered BPD  (Read 804 times)
butterflylove

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« on: March 28, 2017, 05:00:35 PM »

Hello. I have been married to my partner for 2 years. After we moved in together, things started to break down. He was diagnosed with adhd (found out the 25% of BPD have adhd) and was on a whirlwind of medications (which I believe were making the BPD worse). When we met he was on an anti-depressant. I have recently started to research BPD, and I am sure he has it. The more I learned, the more the pieces fit together. I even went back to our adhd specialist couples counselor, who confirmed that it is most likely BPD. My husband believed it was adhd or "just him" that caused the abuse. I feel like I have had a tornado ripped through me, with his contact psychological abuse, insults, blame, physical violence, all the time I was trying to help, or do the right thing. It has actually put me on the brink of suicide twice, and I have never been there before in my life. I still had hope that if he faced his demons, our love would have a chance. He said he loved me, but the violence, drama, etc are all part of the package. I know I have a long road to recovery. I know that he will only get help if he wants it, and now- he doesn't. He believes "it's just who I am, and our love will never be enough, no matter how strong it is because we are too different." I don't know my place in this situation- I am devastated by his behavior, I feel brainwashed into never doing the right thing for him (forget about my needs), now he insists on getting a divorce, even though I'm not ready to. I know I shouldn't label him, tell him I believe he has BPD... .but what can I do? I feel like I'm watching our marriage crumble to pieces. Is there any way I can reach him?
Thank you.
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butterflylove

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« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2017, 05:22:13 PM »

I just was wondering how I can reach out to him.
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stayingsteady
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« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2017, 11:15:08 PM »

Hi butterflylove,

Welcome to the family.  You'll find a lot of supportive people here.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in the middle of such a sensitive situation.  We have all been there and understand the pain, confusion, and fear that come with it.

For individuals with BPD any current feeling will override any previous feelings.  Current feelings will even override current facts.  So, in short, for an individual with symptoms of BPD, feelings are everything.

Because feelings are so important for an individual with BPD, it can help if we speak in relation to their feelings (ex. how did you feel when ... .occurred).  It also helps to validate how they feel (ex. I understand why ... .could make you feel that way).  While doing this it's important to do so in a way that does not admit fault.  Admitting fault could lead to a distorted belief that you are to blame for their actions.

Positive Behavior Support can also help improve the environment.  The concept is rather simple.  Focus on the positive things that are done throughout the day.  This can help increase a positive feeling to develop within an individual with BPD, which will decrease the chances of an outburst occurring.  I try to use a 10:1 ratio.  10 statements that could be viewed positively to every 1 that could be viewed negatively.

You can find more information on both of these concepts under the second lesson on the tool bar to the right.  There are plenty of other resources on this tool bar as well that can help you through.

Hoping for the best for you and your husband,

- Staying Steady
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butterflylove

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« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2017, 12:39:44 PM »

So, in other words "grin and bear it"?
Is there any advice (either way) out there regarding a newly suspected diagnosis of a spouse and whether or not / HOW to bring up the subject?
My heart is in the right place.
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stayingsteady
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« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2017, 12:24:06 AM »

No, definitely not grin and bear it... .

The advice provided was directed in relation to your question on how to reach out to him.  If we reach out in a way that does not negate the effects of escalated feelings, we're increasing the chance of an escalated behavior, such as the psychological abuse, insults, blame and physical violence you had mentioned on your initial post.  The information was also provided in hopes of deescalating the situation since he has begun threatening divorce.

Bringing up BPD to an individual who has BPD can cause extreme triggers.  It is usually recommended not to bring the subject up if at all possible.

Again, I would definitely recommend against grinning and bearing it.  You are just as important as your husband and have as much of a right to happiness as he does.

The best tool I have found is through boundaries.  Boundaries are the tools we can use to prevent ourselves from having to continually adjust for the other person.  They can be a lifeline for us, and can help mold the home environment we are striving to achieve.  There's a lesson on setting boundaries on the tool bar to the right if your interested in learning more.

That being said, it is extremely difficult for an individual with BPD to have to deal with boundaries because it decreases their control, which can cause increased behaviors.  Using the tools of validation and reinforcement of good behavior will negate this response.

I hope this information can help,

- Staying Steady
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butterflylove

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« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2017, 12:28:19 PM »

Thank you so much for your insight. I am still in shock and having a hard time understanding the relationship dynamic.
1. Obviously, from everything I read, not a good idea to mention "BPD" to him
2. Therefore, I need to accept it, and "work around" it

So, in other words- My main confusion lies in the following:

Is there ever any scenario in which the BPD person "takes responsibility"- by at least acknowledging the disorder, or the possibility of, and accepting that he needs help (of course only if he wants it)? This seems to me, the most obvious thing, if the partner is willing to help by setting boundaries, etc. Otherwise, it just feels like I'm living a lie, dancing around a land mine.

As of now, I don't think he has any clue that he may have BPD. He has accepted he "is just the way he is"- can't control his anger, violence, etc. It is very sad that our marriage has to end, when it seems to me, that if he knew it was BPD, he may want to get help for it.
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Meili
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« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2017, 02:35:34 PM »

Hello butterflylove

Welcome

Yes, some people presenting BPD traits acknowledge their part in the relationship problems and seek help. There are plenty of members here on these boards in that situation. It is not something that I would expect however, and I certainly wouldn't expect it anytime soon if it is something that you need to look toward at this moment. That being said, BPD is a spectrum disorder and different individuals fall on different places within the spectrum and thus react differently.

It has been said that shame is a major component of people on the BPD spectrum. Bringing up the possibility of your husband having a disorder might trigger an extreme emotional response, as Stayingsteady said, because of the shame aspect of it.

I think that the majority of the people here have wanted to let our SO know that we believe that they are disordered. I actually did so. She did not take the accusation very well at all. It was ugly.

I later learned to radically accept who she is. To love her meant that I had to embrace all that is her and work with that. Have you read the article What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship?

As Stayingsteady also said, acceptance is not the same as "grinning and bearing" all of it. Acceptance is merely understanding that you have to do things a bit differently than what you've been taught to do up until this point.
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stayingsteady
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« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2017, 02:47:50 PM »

Thanks Meili, it's great hearing from you.

butterflylove,

I also had a bad response occur from mentioning BPD.  When I first learned of BPD, I felt like a light bulb just went off and became rather nervous, but yet extremely hopeful for our marriage since I was beginning to understand.  Without researching BPD further, I discussed this possibility with my wife the next day.  Within about a month she took the children and ran away.  I would hate to see the same thing happen to you.

I also wanted to mention that acceptance of BPD isn't a necessary component of healing the relationship.  The marriage is suffering because of the symptoms of BPD rather than BPD itself.  If the symptoms are minimized, then the marriage can again flourish.  The symptoms can be minimized through boundaries.

Also, boundaries are more like a rock than anything else.  Once a boundary is placed, it doesn't move. This forces the individual with BPD to adapt to the boundary.  This can help in ending your need to work around each issue.

I hope this information can help,

- Staying Steady
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Meili
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« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2017, 03:22:33 PM »

And, don't forget, that boundaries are for us and to protect ourselves and our core beliefs. They are not to control the other person.

When we define our boundaries, we do so in order to allow and not allow certain things in our lives. The other person is still allowed to exercise his or her free will and make choices.

You can read the lesson on Setting Boundaries for more details.
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butterflylove

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« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2017, 03:34:09 PM »

Thank you all, so much.

This all makes a lot of sense, and is very good advice. I moved out about a month ago. Before I left, we both agreed that we didn't want to get divorced immediately (in the hopes of a *miracle) .
 
Since I left, he decided that he was the way he was, and not going to change- I'm not sure of his feeling around that. I don't think he realizes the *reason. He believes that we can never be together because of his temperament.  I don't know... .maybe he is right, but I feel like, he is not making an informed decision, if he doesn't know that it is very possibly BPD.

I feel like I can't say it, but instead have to stand back and get divorced without trying to work through things, knowing about the BPD. If we both understood about the boundaries, etc... .maybe we could both work on it.

Well- at this point, maybe I'm just venting.
Thank you, all... .really, so much.
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Meili
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« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2017, 09:13:22 PM »

As a word of caution butterflylove, to pwBPD, their emotions are their reality and facts.

He is the way that he is, just as you are the way that you are. For these relationships to work, that is a fact that must be accepted. Have you read What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship?

Based on history, his temperament may very well be an impediment to the relationship. But, I'm curious, do you think that changing your temperament might change the dynamic?
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butterflylove

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« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2017, 12:35:01 PM »

Thank you. I DO think that changing my temperament would help. It's hard to admit, but I've spent all my energy on "helping" him (now knowing, it was the "wrong" way to help) all the while enduring physiological, emotional, and sometime physical abuse. I feel completely wiped out, and feel as though I have completely lost my identity. Everything was twisted around to make me feel as if I was not doing the right thing, and that I was hurting him- which was 100% not my intention.
I am willing to try to work in a "different" way, now knowing about BPD. However, I strongly feel that he has to meet me half way- or at least 30%. If he isn't aware of BPD, he will never be able to that, and I feel it will be all up to me to manage it. I'm scared our relationship will be like a full time job of managing his BPD, and my needs won't be met.
It is a huge dilemma very frightening, and sad. All the same time, I can't stop thinking of the love that we have, and the fact that it will be tossed in the garbage.
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Meili
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« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2017, 12:57:16 PM »

All of those feelings are very natural, and if you read the threads of others on here, you'll see that many have said almost those exact words.

You're right in that if at some point, he doesn't step up and help deal with the situation it will become too much for you. But, for now, until things are on a more even keel, you're going to be the one who has to do it if you want to save the relationship. Is it fair? No, it isn't.

But, you cannot rely on him to change the dynamics. You can only control yourself and your own actions/reactions. So, it's up to you to guide the relationship for now and to teach him what you find acceptable and unacceptable. The lesson on Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement may prove to be of a help in this.
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butterflylove

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« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2017, 02:47:55 PM »

I am baffled by this whole thing. I think this is total bs. I am extremely angry right now, and probably that is a good thing because at least it's making progress in my healing process. I have been beat down so much, and now all the responsibility to save the marriage lies on me- to act accordingly to accommodate him. I have always been a very strong person, but I have never been so low as I am now.
I married a sexy, supportive, loving person, and left someone who couldn't see me for literally 10 seconds without screaming at how I ruin everything and "normally" threw things at me, threatened me, and shoved me and worse.
He is completely changed. I did see some incidents at the beginning... .but I had NO IDEA it would get to this.
I am currently reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. He is an expert  on abusive men. He said that even when mental illness is a factor, that it is not the cause of the abuse. The main point is that their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology, and that mental illness may contribute the severity of the abuse, and their resistance to change.
So, even if he were to someone come to grips with accepting BPD, and I did my best to set boundaries, etc. I am having major doubts that things would be ok.
I don't know what to think any more. It seems like a lost cause, and I saw my future, my life, everything with him.
I feel like I'm in the middle of what has become muddy quick sand, no way out and confusion and suffering all around me.
The only possible future seems to me- I have to accept all the abuse in the past with no apology, no justice, and accept a future of "babysitting" and living with knowing the truth about BPD, and never being able to say it to him. My husband is a successful artist with 2 master degrees. He is extremely smart. I don't want to give up on him, and it seemed the closer we got, the worse he treated me.
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Meili
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« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2017, 07:58:37 AM »

The anger and frustration are natural. It is good that you recognize that the anger is part of the healing process.

When I was faced with the proposition that I would have to spend the rest of my life babysitting (as you put it) my ex to deal with her PO traits, I wanted to run. Then, someone on these boards explained to me that doesn't have to be the reality.

As you pointed out, the PO is no excuse for the abuse, rages, and other actions of people with PO traits and/or mental illness. Those actions are the result of maladaptive coping skills that were learned in at a young age and have never progressed. The person with the PO traits has to want to change those coping skills in order for the change to occur.

As a non, we can help guide our SO through this process. We can teach them that their immature coping skills will no longer be effective on us. That's where the boundaries come in.

We can help them learn to communicate better by learning to be better communicators ourselves.

Also, we can help them develop better coping skills through positive reinforcement. We can teach them what works and what does not work with us.

But, if our SOs don't want to do the work necessary to maintain the relationship, we all have to decide where our line is and how long we are willing to try to help guide them.

All of these things hold true in any relationship. We all teach others how to treat us.

What do you think the outcome of telling him that you think that he has a PO  would be?
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butterflylove

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« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2017, 12:58:39 PM »

Thank you so much. That is very insightful, and I can tell learned through a lot of experience.
A question I've been thinking out abut is - Why do I think he should know?
Partially as "justice" for me. I've never had any justice and have been living in a completely crazy making world with him. I want him to realize the gravity of what he's done to me (and most likely his ex girlfriend). I know this is normal, but selfish.
Also, for him- I would hope that he would see his behavior for what it is. I feel like now, he is brushing it under the rug (I know he's actually forgotten a lot of the horrible things he did- another symptom), and I feel he is "running away" in a sense. He believes he "is just the way he is". True, but I don't believe that he sees that there is a way to get help, and that it is something that is physiologically wrong with him. I'm not sure if he is aware that there is a choice (to get help, or not). There is a possibility meds will help. The adhd drugs he was on, made the BPD aggression worse, and this never made sense until now- I think if he knew that the behavior wasn't his "fault" he would feel less guilty. MAYBE we could try TOGETHER to work things out. Without him knowing, none of this will ever happen. He told me he wants a divorce, but I'm not ready, because I can't let go- especially now, knowing about BPD, and I think also there is some strong Stockholm's syndrome.
I guess it all comes down to if he wants to change or not. Maybe I am being idealistic, but I don't think he currently has the "awareness" to know there is a choice at this point, and if he knew it was BPD, maybe he would see that.
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Meili
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« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2017, 01:32:05 PM »

While the wanting justice might be a bit selfish, I think that the rest of what you wrote about why you want to tell him is pretty normal. I thought that maybe if my ex knew, it would change things for us. In fact, it did change things... .they got worse.

The workshop: Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD might be worth a read at this point.

There are some very sound reasons provided in the workshop for not mentioning the possibility of a personality disorder. But, each person is unique, so your husband may respond differently.
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PlasticOno

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« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2017, 02:00:07 PM »

My prayers with you both
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butterflylove

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« Reply #18 on: May 09, 2017, 12:50:47 PM »

Oh well... .he got mad at me one day and wrote an email with all caps subject DIVORCE.
He filed for the divorce. I guess in a way, I am relieved, because he was totally out of control, and didn't care to get help.
Now, I'm working on recovering.
Thank you all.
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stayingsteady
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« Reply #19 on: May 09, 2017, 10:11:09 PM »

butterflylove,

You put a lot of work, effort, thought, and reflection into your relationship.  When things were getting tough, you reached out for help.  You continually strove to identify the best possible way of handling each situation.

Regardless of any choice he may make, I fully believe you've done so much right. 

You have an amazing attitude on how to handle the situation you've just been given.  As you go through whatever your next steps may be, I'll still be here for you, and I'm sure so many others will too.

- Staying Steady
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Meili
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« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2017, 09:41:43 AM »

Yes butterflylove, we will all still be here for you.

One thing that many of us here have discovered, no matter how our situations have played out, is that a lot of good can come from being in a relationship with a pwBPD. The non can learn a great deal about him/herself and chose to grow. Around here, we talk about these relationships as a gift that we can decide to accept. You have shown a desire to accept the gift and I truly find that admirable.

Take care of yourself.
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stayingsteady
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« Reply #21 on: May 14, 2017, 08:44:34 PM »

Hey butterflylove,

I've been thinking a lot about you over the last few days and am hoping that everything is going in the right direction for you.  The situations you had dealt with (and are continuing to deal with) were extremely difficult and would take a toll on anyone.

When my wife left me, someone from the BPD Family community mentioned that I may want to try helping others in similar situations.  They stated that doing so had helped others move past the hurt.  I tried doing this, and it actually worked rather well.  I know every person is different, but I wanted to pass this information along to you just in case.

Anyway, if you were interested, there is a workshop that started a couple of days ago that focuses on "How to Deal with an Angry Partner".  With your past experiences I thought you may have some insights into the material.  This is the link if you wanted more information:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309757


Hoping for the best for you,

- Staying Steady
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butterflylove

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« Reply #22 on: May 15, 2017, 09:45:48 PM »

Yes butterflylove, we will all still be here for you.

One thing that many of us here have discovered, no matter how our situations have played out, is that a lot of good can come from being in a relationship with a pwBPD. The non can learn a great deal about him/herself and chose to grow. Around here, we talk about these relationships as a gift that we can decide to accept. You have shown a desire to accept the gift and I truly find that admirable.

Take care of yourself.


Thank you. I definitely took it as a sign to look at myself. It was so destructive, and didn't see myself as a person without him anymore (and I happened to be pretty awesome when I met him). Even though I was rock bottom, something in me said "this isn't right". I actually told my friend I would cut my legs off if it meant we could be happy together. I can't believe I actually thought that! I think I am very codependent and the worst combination is with BPD. It is absolutely deadly, and almost killed me. Now , I am going to codependents anonymous groups, and I realize that this is actually a "thing" that I have been struggling with for my whole life. If I had known... .I can't believe I've wasted so much of "me" waiting on other people's approval and abuse. I am still accepting and trying to get over "him" and the whole mess of the situation, but now I know that once I'm a little stronger, I can switch the focus to me. I'm starting to. I am so grateful for everyone here . Thank you.
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