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Author Topic: STBX has a bf and my sons like him  (Read 428 times)
half-life
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: April 09, 2017, 12:21:12 PM »

Got a note from STBX that she is now together with her "friend". They are in love and are serious. She was elusive a month ago when she said she has an out of town "friend" visiting and staying with her. She did not elaborate and I did not probe her. Frankly I don't actually care.

She said she was pleased my kids get along with him and like him, especially my older S11. This is what really hit me. During the two and half years since I left, the absolute tragedy that crushed me is the deterioration of the relationship between him and me. It wouldn't be off base to say he hates me. He was 8 back then. I thought we were great as father and son. I was planning for to raise him in separate, but hopefully more healthy, family. I will never foresee he becomes the often hostile and repugnant I stuck with today.

Ex blames me for breaking up the family and causing harm to them all. I am forever wondering if this is a mix of the breakup, his becoming a teenager, his own temperament that is displayed in his rebellious attitude toward the school and sometimes even his mom. All my attempt to communicate fall on deaf ears and stonewalled. I have shed many tears over this. The pain from our conflict exceed even those from my uBPD.

I don't know the how exactly does "he get along well and he likes him". I empathize that this is a great relief for her. But I am a bad place myself, this really hit me.
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hope2727
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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2017, 01:08:17 PM »

My expwBPD's son liked me too. Now he likes the new girlfriend. It won't matter in the long run because it will never be stable. Be stable. Be predictable and consistent. They will understand on their own in time.
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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2017, 10:40:22 AM »

Well first of all... .why would you believe anything BPDx says?

Remember, black or white thinking? The new guy is all white right now. Everything is sunshine and roses and they are soo in love and the kids love him and it's just perfect. Give it a few months, when he'll be painted black.

When I first met my SD(now 12) she looved me. We had fun and played, no rules or punishments. Then as our relationship progressed, it became more of a "normal" parent/child relationship. Some days she's moody and withdrawn, mad at us for asking her to do chores. Other days she's friendly and fun. Don't beat yourself up too much. It's just an awkward age.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2017, 04:47:27 PM »

I understand this very well.

When I found out about my ex's "friend" it was from my ecstatic children who seem to adore him. It did anger me at first, mainly because I was upset that she had a man around immediately after ending the relationship.

Once I calmed and reminded myself that the immediate relationship was inevitable (I mean she had been cheating for at least a year and BPD partner wasn't going to leave without lining up the next), I was able to appreciate the fact that she is at least with a person that is nice to my children and they have no issues being around.

The comments though of "why believe" are very true. She still claims to me they are just friends, although less than three months removed from our 13 year marriage she had an engraved key around her neck. Pretty good friends I guess.

After meeting him I wanted to warn him about her mental health, but then I reminded myself it is none of my business. It won't matter... .she'll find a way to mess that one up too, especially if he is a nice guy who thinks he's saving this "abandoned" woman.
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takingandsending
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« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2017, 05:24:40 PM »

Hi half-life.
I have a S11 and S5 and am in process of divorcing uBPDw - I, too, left the family house. How frequently do you see your S11? I think the best thing we can do for our kids is provide a validating environment. Let's face it - pwBPD have no capacity to validate those who are close to them because it contradicts their own desperate need for validation. Whether they intend it or not, they fire one invalidating comment after another at their spouses, children, family and friends. That your S11 would be confused, upset and ungrounded is not surprising.

How do you respond when he displays hostility or is rebellious? It's hard. It feels like another betrayal to us. I get triggered when S5 says invalidating things to me that he clearly learned from his mom. But I don't argue or even explain myself. Instead, I let him know that I heard what he said, understand how he might feel, sometimes just am physically present for him to let him unwind his emotions. Pretty much the same with S11 - I try to refrain from judging, and just let him know I am here, I love him, he is safe and his feelings are safe. What worked for you before things became strained?
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half-life
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« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2017, 01:21:29 AM »

I saw him about two days a week. For about half year, he did not visited me at all. So it has improved quite a bit already. For a while he really inclined to hurl insult at me and call me names. I did not response to such, although I was very hurt inside.

Right now our regular daily conflict invokes me enforcing rules and he go berserk about it. I'd say "your one hour of game time is up." He'd shout "WHAAT! I only played half hour; the network was down; I need to finish this level; ... ." I'm really tire of these fights. And he just keep pushing button to make this contentious.

Then there is almost complete abscence of affect, respect, or any kind of positive interaction with me. I suppose part of this is him becoming a teenager. But this really soured the parenting experience and the family relation that I once thought as precious.

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takingandsending
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« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2017, 11:33:57 AM »

Have you read the communication tools on the Improving board? They can really help in all sorts of situations. Validating his feelings, no matter how contentious it feels, can reduce some of the conflict. In the case of the game, it is important to have clear, consistent boundaries. It actually helps kids - it is not a punishment. But they do need to be clear and consistent. I struggle with this a lot, both when I was married and with my kids.

But validation is a skill to develop. Something like, "I can understand why you are disappointed. I get frustrated too when I am in the middle of something and have to stop. I keep your screen time limited because I care about you having enough time for your homework so that you don't feel stressed to get it done [or the like]. Next time the network is down, if you let me know, we can work out a fair solution together."

If he wants to keep escalating and calls names or insults you, you have a clear boundary around that. "I can see you are angry, and I'd be angry too if I felt you were trying to make me unhappy. I am getting upset, too. I need to cool off, but I will come see you in 20 minutes and we can talk then to work this out." At that point, redirect as him as best you can and separate for 20 minutes. Your and his limbic brain need that cooling off time. Come back in 20 minutes and say, "I am here to talk if you still want to." Consistency will cause the reactivity of these situations to lessen.

Do you think you could try this? Have you already tried this type of approach? Hang in there. He is really looking for you to be there for him - my guess.
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half-life
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« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2017, 11:04:23 PM »

Things get even harder today. It was his school's open day. He was playing with his friend in the school yard when I arrived. Once he noticed me, he turned has back and literally run away. His friend tried to block him and said "hey, your dad is here." I called his name. But all the time he was trying to slip away from me.

Kids were supposed to show their school work to their parent. Not my son. He ignored me the best he can. I couldn't even have him get him to converse a few sentence with me. I didn't even have a chance to talk, negotiate, nag, or threaten him. I feel hurt and humiliated. I left without seeing any work. And I did not sign the attendance form, knowing that the school is serious about tracking every parent's attendance.

My younger son is sweeter. But he is also picking up some of his brother's attitude. To lose my older son I feel like my arm is amputated. My worst fear is to see my relation to younger son to degrade also. This is like amputating both of my arms.

Sometimes I feel I hate my son. And I feel terrible for feeling this. What kind of father would hate his minor son? Unlike my BPDex, I know the pain is caused by her and I have every right to walk away. Here every failure feels like my personal failure. And I have no option to walk.

You said he might really looking for me to be there for him. My therapist said something similar. I really want to believe in it. But from what I can observe, it is more believable that he wants to eject me from his life completely. I wonder if some day some wise man or a high being will come to me to say, "you have done all you can. This is not your fault. Now disinherit him and stop worrying about him." If I act like an absent dad, I know I will be a happier person.

:cry:
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babyoctopus
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« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2017, 12:13:07 AM »


I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I read that last post and my heart is breaking for you. 

I go through similar things with my D16 and S14, even though they live with me! D16 has many traits of her father, uBPDstbxh. I worry she is BPD too. One minute she's telling me I don't show I love her enough, next she can't stand the sight of me. Kids.

My advice is, just be there for him. As much as you can. When he says he hates you, or some other mean thing, tell him: "Well, I love you. And I know you don't really mean that."

Tell him you love him all the time. Demonstrate your devotion in any way you can. Keep going to those school events, games, and practices.

I know its hard, but you will always be his dad. His only dad. Remember that.

Hang in there!
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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2017, 06:59:11 AM »

half-life,

Have you done any reading on "Parental Alienation"?  Your son's acting out might be him and his issues with you or it is possible he is getting some encouragement from his mom.

Below is a link to more on Parental Alienation and book suggestions too... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/parental-alienation

Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing
Author: Richard A. Warshak, PhD.

Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce
Author: Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

See if any of this resonates with you and your situation.

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2017, 08:08:48 AM »

I feel for you Half Life!,

Just remember that Hurting People, Hurt People.  Your son is hurting inside. Divorce is so painful on adults, imagine what it's like for kids.  We eventually get to work through it and come out on the other side healthier and happier (at least I did). Like it or not our kids to an extent are stuck in the situation as they are left with a broken family.  Mom and Dad will always be Mom and Dad. We get to move past and leave behind our unhealthy X's... .They Don't!

What your son needs from you is consistency.  It may be hard at first because he is hostile towards you.  Be consistent in his life. Show up to as many of his activities as you can even when he's with Mom. Send him a card on a weekly basis to let him know you are thinking about him and that you love him.  Do things to demonstrate how important he is to you. Don't give up!  Try to validate his hurt feelings while at the same time holding up healthy boundaries.  It's a fine juggling act to do especially when you are being hurt by his actions.  You need to be healthy and stable as his father so he can feel safe with you and he will eventually open up but again it will take consistency.  I don't know your story but your son may be acting like he is because there is nothing stable in his life right now, divorce does that to our kids. Your X can sugar coat it all she wants but introducing a new man so quickly only adds to the instability to your sons lives. Read some of my old posts, I've lived through BPD crazy and the best thing I did for my kids was to be a healthy stable Dad to offset what their Mom was putting them through.

Do Not Give up.  Do Not let your X portray to your sons who you are!  If she is alienating them you need to offset her words by YOUR ACTIONS.  Even if you only see you sons on a limited basis you can be consistent in their lives.  They WILL come to the truth about you by your actions. They will also be drawn more to you if you can be a consistent, healthy and stable Dad.

You can do this!

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
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