Brought Her to My Therapy Session - What a Day

[DaddyBear77]

I brought my uBPDw to my own therapy session today. It turned into an hour long s--- show where my T went round after round in circular discussion with her, while I sat back and watched. NOTHING was accomplished except that now my pwBPD is triggered beyond belief. She feels she was badgered and interrogated. She just told me she'll probably try and file some sort of ethics complaint! Wow!

I feel like the questions from my T were reasonable, kind, probing, and appropriate. Of course, sharing that would be considered disloyal to my pwBPD but I'm not sure I can continue to play along all the way to an ethics complaint!

I'm conflicted more now than before knowing how difficult the next few days and weeks will be.

Argh.

[Notwendy]

Why did you bring her to your T?

I know that it makes sense to want to include her with hopes that all will gain some understanding, but it is also a set up for her to feel like a victim.

There are three in the room. You and the T have an established relationship. She is going to feel attacked. ( whether that is really true or not)

Is T even possible with her? For T to work with anyone, they need to be motivated to go, want to change, and want to work at it.

The extent of projection can make T difficult- people who tend to assume that something outside of themselves is the problem tend not to look inward. There is some success with T and BPD - I don't know anyone personally who has done it- but I think that person must also be motivated to do it.

Your wife may be dysregulated for a while, but it takes two to be drawn into the drama. Your responses (or not to respond) will make an impact. It is hard to not be triggered by what she may say, but the less you can be reactive, the less you will enter a circular discussion. JADE does not work or help. She may call you the worst person on the planet, but that doesn't make it true.  Can you have some Daddy time with your child? Take her to the park? Tell your wife you are giving her some "mom" time  and spend a day at the zoo, the park, or even a ball pit at Mc Donald's with your child. She'll have a great time, you will have some peace for a bit.

[formflier]

I think this is a place for kind, compassionate boundaries

You can have compassion for your wife's experiences, yet not participate in her "reactions" to her experiences...


The same applies for you.  If you experienced the T session differently, you get to "react" to it in your own way.

So... ."blah blah blah... .I'm going to file an ethics complaint... .blather blather... ."

you:  "Oh my honey... .it seems like you had quite a day.  What do you hope to accomplish by filing a complaint?"

listen...

you:  "It would mean a lot to me, if you could express this directly to the T, vice filing a complaint.  It's important for all involved in healing our relationship have clear communication"

Thoughts?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Boundaries and lessons learned, man!

Boundary #1: If she wants to file an ethics complaint, you can't stop her. Chances are, nothing will come of it anyhow, other than being the "new thing" your wife is using you as an emotional punching bag for. Worst case, it ends your relationship with your therapist, you will have to find a new one.

Lesson #1: Bringing your wife to your individual T was a bad idea. Don't do it again. (I'd suggest you take it further, and declare that your therapy is your business, and you won't be discussing it with your wife or involving her in it going forward.)

Lesson #2: Your current T is really lacking in skills dealing with a pwBPD. A good T won't get trapped for many iterations of a circular argument. Maybe a minute or two to figure out the pattern. A good T also won't keep winding somebody up like that, "reasonable, kind, probing questions" aren't a tool you keep using if it is getting the person more and more upset.

Assuming you continue with your current T, I'd suggest that for your next T session, talk with your T a bit about what went wrong in the joint session, and what came of it in the following week.

You might ask your T for a recommendation of another T who has better tools for dealing with somebody like your wife, as in somebody with BPD. (See lesson #2 above, and note that the worst consequence of lesson #1 might benefit you by netting you a more skilled therapist!))

[Notwendy]

Another boundary: a person's thoughts and feelings are their own and one has little influence or ability to change them. Two people can be at the same event and experience the situation entirely differently. It isn't our place to "make them wrong" by expecting them to see it our way.

I have experienced this kind of thing a lot.  Both my H and I could be watching the same TV show and his response is completely different than mine. We are two different people. This happens often with TV couples in complicated relationships. I see the woman's point of view, he sees the man's. I might say " what a manipulative cad" and he will say " she's taking advantage of him". We could both be right or both wrong.

I have found that victim perspective is common in pwBPD or people with traits or who have experienced certain trauma where they felt attacked. My FIL was prone to anger and verbal insults. The kids in the family learned to not answer too many questions and to not tell too much in case they said something that made him mad. Because they do that, my H assumes I do too.

Sometimes if my H asks me a question and I say I don't know, he sometimes doubts me- assumes I do know but I am just not telling him, so he keeps at it, asking for details. I eventually get exasperated and yell " I don't know" to which the response is " Don't yell at me, why are you yelling at me". I am not yelling at him to hurt him, I am yelling because I need him to hear me "I don't know" after saying it several times.

At this point, I know I have crossed the line into a circular argument. I try to catch this before it gets to this point.

With my mother, who is severely BPD, she is mostly in victim mode- assuming I am doing something to her. I accidentally misplaced a birthday card from her to my child- and the assumption was that I was purposely doing that to keep her away from her grandchildren. If I threw up as a young child- I was purposely doing that to mess up her clean carpet. I don't know how she gets these ideas but she does, and there isn't anything I can do about that.

I think one can see how in very severe situations, this can cross over to paranoia.

It is very possible that your wife felt she was being targeted for attack at the T. You very much want her to see your point of view, how she is hurting you, but someone in victim mode in the moment- when they are feeling attacked-  can only see how others are hurting them- whether they really are or not. They feel it, so it must be true. I can't help it if my mother thinks I take away her cards to the children, even if I don't. I can't help it if my H thinks I am not telling him something. This is their issues- and I know I have my own ways of misinterpreting things sometimes.

I will stand with both GK on boundaries and also FF's advice to not defend yourself from your wife's thoughts on the session. Respond to her feelings- not by validating what isn't true, but to say " I am sorry you felt that way".  Her thoughts don't make it true. Just because my mother thinks I took the card on purpose doesn't change the true fact that I accidentally misplaced it. Your wife thinks what she thinks, so do you.

[DaddyBear77]

So much to process here. This event has ripple effects across multiple areas - all the ones I've been discussing here, such as FOO and $$ issues.

I've brought her in during two previous sessions, and those went OK. But in retrospect, they only really turned out OK because I wasn't totally honest and open. When things were getting difficult for her, I would step in and steer things back to comfort-land. This time, I didn't do that. And this was the result.

I agree with GK - this T lacks skills needed to properly support a person with BPD symptoms. He's been relatively supportive of me, but even then, I feel like it's strained some times.

In any case, 1. I won't be involving my pwBPD in any future individual sessions, and 2. I will not try and control or manipulate her feelings regarding ethics or other complaints.

Now on to dealing with the ripple effect issues - I'll post another thread on this later once I wrap my head around things.

[Grey Kitty]

I wish you luck and strength--sounds like things are coming to a head for you.

this T lacks skills needed to properly support a person with BPD symptoms. He's been relatively supportive of me, but even then, I feel like it's strained some times.

I think YOU need a T who understands BPD and has skills for dealing with it--because you are struggling with this area, and if your T cannot deal with it, how can your T help you deal with it?

If you need a different or better T for yourself, go find one.

[formflier]

This event has ripple effects across multiple areas 

 I would step in and steer things back to comfort-land. 

 

Now on to dealing with the ripple effect issues 

Few broad questions and a gut reaction.

My gut reaction is that your T is not familiar with BPDish stuff... .or able to handle it well.  If you are in session, the T should be the one "leading". 

Can you give more specifics about what you were "honest" about.  What did that sound like?  There are many ways to deliver the "truth".  As you have found out... .the manner of delivery matters.

Why deal with ripple effects?  Let her deal with them.  I totally understand how complicated it can be.  Another gut reaction is that you would be well served by getting to a point where you see the splash in the pond and decide it's time to row to shore and enjoy some tea, instead of trying to calm the "ripples".

Again... .I know details matter and certainly my opinion may change with knowledge of those details.

I wish I could relate to you the full story about the first time I decided to step away from my wife's FOO when they were in meltdown mode... .it was very freeing.  So freeing in fact I don't remember the details.  I've gotten to a place now where I have a r/s with my wife but NONE with her family. 

I own a house with her father in law, so there has been some texting about that, but other than that... .not a word for a long time (getting close to a year).  We plan on selling the house this summer, so there will be some contact with that situation.  After that... .no plans for a r/s with them.

I feel better... .the get to decide how they feel about that.  I'm simply not involved in "managing" the story, calming the ripples or any of that. 

For 3-4 months there was an active effort to "invite me over"... ."get me back in the fold" etc etc.

FF

[DaddyBear77]

Great question FF - let me fill in some details.

The arc of this story starts 4 years ago when tensions had built so much between my pwBPD and my FOO that I got an ultimatum from my pwBPD: it's me or them, and if you don't break off contact with your FOO, I'm leaving. So, I told my pwBPD I'd stop talking to my FOO. This was right before my D3 was born. The past 4 years have been cycles of me going NC with my FOO, then I'd secretly reestablish contact and apologize for going NC in the first place. Inevitably my pwBPD would badger me saying "I don't believe you're NC" and then finally I'd say "yes, you're right. I'm not." She would then call me a liar (which I was / am) and push my buttons hard enough for me to go NC again. And we'd repeat.

Yesterday's session with my T quickly became about my FOO and how horrible they are. My wife made the accusations I've heard hundreds of times - my mother purposely violates boundaries because she gets off on it. My father is antisemetic. My brother is a liar. And usually I'd say something like "yes, I can see how things could be interpreted that way." I try and say something that doesn't actually mean I agree with her, but my pwBPD is too savvy for that and will often continue to dysregulate until I give in. Bullying. Let's call it what it is.

Anyway, during yesterday's session, I just let her go on and on and instead of saying "yep; that's true" I said "I really didn't see it that way. I don't believe my mother would ever purposely cause our daughter harm" for example. This made her even more angry, attacked, cornered, and ganged up on. I kept hoping the T would find a way to bring the heat down but he just kept it up.

After the session, while we were spending hours and hours going back and forth, my pwBPD also asked point blank "have you spoken to your FOO in the past week" and instead of lying I said "yes. I have." She asked probing questions and at the time I was able to say to her "I am not going to discuss the conversations - they were private between me and them." That lasted about 15 minutes before she pushed enough buttons that I started to let pieces of info slip out.

I see exactly where I failed to have a boundary here. I also need to appreciate just exactly what it means to be dealing with someone who will NOT take NO for an answer.

The result of all of that is that now I'm even more of a liar and furthermore I am being asked to "come clean on everything" or else.

This is what I'm processing.

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmmm... .not sure I blame your therapist as much as I did before I heard these details--Once you changed your tune on your family, and weren't backing down, your wife was probably going to go nuclear, no matter what anybody else in the room did.

The result of all of that is that now I'm even more of a liar and furthermore I am being asked to "come clean on everything" or else.

I'd suggest coming clean this way:

"I'm going to make room for my family in my life. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I will cut contact with them again. If you choose to leave me over it, I'll be very sad, but it is your choice."

[formflier]

OK... .many parts to this... .but we need to do some boundaries 101.  You get to decide what you do with your body... .your mouth... .your ears.

Your wife gets to decide the same for hers... .

You get to emotionally process her decisions in your way...

She gets to emotionally process your decisions in her way.

It is likely that she finds it "soothing" to be able to control you and gain your compliance.  The more you comply... .the worse it will get.

DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING until you are ready to hold... .not give in.  Giving in is WAY worse than just being a wuss from the start (to be blunt)

I got an ultimatum from my pwBPD: it's me or them

Bad play on your part.  The better play is to let her know that you will decide about your relationships (be general... .not specific to your FOO) and then STOP discussing it.

Your pwBPD can choose to not be around your family and I would show your pwBPD respect by not bringing your family to your house (or perhaps severely limit it)

For now... .I'm going to suggest you consider the following.

"Babe... .I made a mistake when I agreed to your request not to talk to my family.  I was wrong for saying that (remember... make this about you).  Please forgive me."

Pause... .don't engage in any blather than comes out.

"I respect your right to choose your relationships.  I will be doing the same."

Trust me... .less is more here... .  don't explain... .don't get specific.  :)on't answer questions about who what where why when.  Perhaps clarify the question... .let her know you need time to "think through" your answer.

She will flip out... ."Babe... I'm going to get some water and take a break before I say something I regret.  I'll be back in 10 minutes."  leave... .be back in 10.


  

She would then call me a liar (which I was / am) a

Yeah... .this is a bad impact because it went from delusional thinking... .to validating a delusional worldview.  This is really really BAD for the r/s and for you.

 "yes, I can see how things could be interpreted that way."

OK... .focus first on NOT invalidating.  Usually that means hushing.

We can work on validation later.

In the meantime... .think about STOP

Sorry you feel that way.
That's your opinion
Oh...
Perhaps you are right

also... .perhaps try true bemusement for the whacky stuff.

"Oh gosh babe... .I don't know.  I hear you and will need to think about that for a bit."

I try and say something that doesn't actually mean I agree with her, but my pwBPD is too savvy for that and will often continue to dysregulate until I give in. Bullying. Let's call it what it is.

The reason she continues... .is because you give in.  Let's call it what it is... .  ... .yeah... .I went there... .she does it because it works.

You control whether it works or not... .100%

Boundaries... .she gets to demand and use her mouth in whatever way she wants... .you have ZERO control over that.  YOU get to give in or NOT.  YOU have 100% control and responsibility for your actions.

I said "I really didn't see it that way. I don't believe my mother would ever purposely cause our daughter harm"

Invalidation alert...

"Oh my... ." would have been a good thing to say.

"I'm not going to discuss people that aren't present" is also another good value.  If you really want a nuclear event... .invite your mom and her to counseling.  Bring flak jacket... .hide behind counselor.

But... .seriously.  You two are in counseling... .so discuss you two.

Oh... .I'm also backing off my criticism of the counselor.  I think there is some value in watching a dynamic play out... .although we will never know what the T was thinking

 I kept hoping the T would find a way to bring the heat down but he just kept it up.

If she wants to use the flamethrower... she will.  Not your job or the Ts job.  Sure... .they may have more skill than you... .but as you have discovered... .she is savvy at cutting the crap (as she sees it) to say what she wants.

while we were spending hours and hours going back and forth,

Boundaries:  You and only you get to decide how long to discuss... you can leave the room and she can decide to keep talking.  

Personal note:  It used to disturb me that my wife would continue ranting... .by herself... .after I left.  I now make sure I get out of earshot.  My ears... .my choice.  Her mouth... her choice.

Do you see the boundary?

"I am not going to discuss the conversations - they were private between me and them."

Less is more.  "The conversation was private."  (seriously... .no more than that)

 That lasted about 15 minutes before she pushed enough buttons that I started to let pieces of info slip out.

Take button somewhere else... .

I see exactly where I failed to have a boundary here.

Hopefully this is more clear now?  You control you... .

 I also need to appreciate just exactly what it means to be dealing with someone who will NOT take NO for an answer.

Personally I'm disappointed in myself when I let a circular argument go more than 5-6 circles.  By definition it takes two circles.  So... .I say something like "I need to get back to xyz" (me trying to exit the circle).  I will try that a couple times.  By 5th or 6th circle (perhaps 5 to 10 minutes max... .MAX) it is obvious if the conversation is recoverable.  

I'm a retired Naval Aviator... .I was able to morph my training of when to "pull the eject handle" and get out of a doomed airplane... .into the same thinking of getting out of a doomed conversation.

Save yourself... .

https://youtu.be/czvEDNdyFBU

The result of all of that is that now I'm even more of a liar and furthermore I am being asked to "come clean on everything" or else.
  

No need for a response on this.  Perhaps "I see... " or "This conversation makes me sad... "

FF

[formflier]

https://youtu.be/ijsCAeGMiBw

This one is better... .more representative of my thinking.

You know it's a crappy conversation... .work with a bit (use tools) and if you can land it... .land it.

If not... .pull the handle and get out.  It is what it is...

FF

[BeagleGirl]

So many of the dynamics have been addressed by FormFlier and others that I'll focus on the one that resonated with me most when I read your detailed account.

You became a liar in an effort to avoid conflict.  There's definitely no judgement here, because I did far worse.  I became an adultress.  I allowed myself to make a series of decisions that took me further from the person I was created to be than I knew was possible.  When I look back, I think of all the times I told myself I didn't really have a choice and took another step down that path.  One of the biggest parts of the healing process has been fully coming to terms with the knowledge that I DID have a choice.  Did my marriage cause far more pain than joy?  Most definitely.  Did I experience a level of care from another man that I never had and probably never will from my hwBPD?  Yes.  Was what I did understandable?  Yes.  Was what I did justifiable?  NO.  NO.  NO.

What others have shared about the boundaries that you could have and can establish are great.  I'm taking notes.    What I would like to share with you is the hope that you are able to build those boundaries from the foundational idea that who you are is more important than anything you could gain by compromising yourself.  You can decide to put the identity of liar firmly in the past.  There may be consequences for telling the truth, but they are things that won't make it to your core.  I speak from experience.  I was an adultress.  I still suffer many of the consequences of having been an adultress, but I know that is no longer who I am, nor something I will ever be again.  When the world seems to be falling apart around me it hurts, but I know who I am and where I stand.

[formflier]

I'm a Naval Officer... .was raised by my Father to be a Southern Gentleman.  The kind of guy that makes a deal with a handshake and his word and that would put himself out to keep his word.  Because a family name means something.  Your reputation means something.  Once it's gone... .very hard to recover.

I too went down the path of saying untrue things to avoid conflict.

"I don't know anything about it"... .in response to an accusation, when the truth was I knew something and wanted to keep it private.  Inevitably the "truth" would come out and my wife would really start to dig... .really start to imagine (paranoia is central for her) that I was a polygamist, had out of wedlock kids, had secret houses full of ho's just waiting for a piece of my action... .    

Ah yes... .I remember those days.

You kind of look around and realize that you are no longer the person you want to be.  Values compromised... .what a mess.

I knew better.  What I lacked was tools and a frame of reference to address this "thing" we wrestle with called BPD.  (In truth my wife is more PPD... .but I digress).  BPD family and several wonderful Ts helped me construct a frame of reference.  

Once I started to fully understand boundaries and realized that there was little chance of my pwBPD being "happy" about boundaries (she still isn't)... .you realize that you are going to pay a price... .either way.  So... .be the person that you would be proud of.  The person you want to be.

I started telling the truth again and paid the price.  Honestly... .my r/s is better for it.  I hold my head high and on many issues... .my wife has given up the fight.

her:  "blah blah blah... .what were you and Susie Sugar Britches talking about?"

me:  "Oh yeah... Susie... .well, that's a private matter.  Let me consider your request and I'll get back to you after thinking this through.  Is tomorrow night a good time to follow up?"

(what I communicated here was that "yep... I talked to her"... ."I don't reveal private conversations"... ."perhaps I can paint a general picture but I'm not in a rush to do so"... .and lastly... .hand the issue back to them.  Most of the time, they are looking for a quick fix.  No interest in waiting, the issue dies and never comes back.)

her:  now "I knew I shouldn't have asked... "  (even if snarky... .no reason to bring it up... .EVER AGAIN)

used be all sorts of blather and accusations.  No need to engage.  She realizes it doesn't work anymore... .and rarely asks.

FF

[DearHusband]

BeagleGirl,

This is off topic, but how is it possible that you are not so totally painted black by your partner that you are able to make this work? How did you show the required remorse on demand and not question whether you made the right decision to stay (which would totally be picked up on by your BPD partner)?

DH (Totally painted black and not nearly remorseful enough to help change that)

[BeagleGirl]

DearHusband,
I don't know that it's anything I've done that has kept the "all black" at bay.  Our therapist feels that there is still a huge well of anger in my husband related to the affair, but it rarely is expressed.  Now that I think about the times when it has been, I think it may be an area where I have been successful with boundaries.

As far as remorse goes - I look at it in two categories.  There is the repentance and contrition that I actually experience and there is the remorse that my husband looks for.  One is up to me, the other is totally out of my control.

Category 1: 
I ended my affair because I was not willing to trade my happiness for the happiness of so many other people, not because I was repentant.  Then I knew that if I was going to have any chance of having the marriage I wanted, I would have to confess so I didn't spend the rest of my life protecting my secret and closing a part of myself off to my husband.  That started 3 days of confession to people who would be in a position to help my husband cope with the life shattering news I was going to give him and time spent literally on my face before God begging Him to show me the ugliness of my sin and help me to truly repent. During that time, and the months and years that have followed, I was broken - shattered may be a more fitting description.  To this day, I don't feel the level of remorse that I feel I should for what I did to my husband, but I leave that in God's hands.  I have rooted my humility and repentance in what David prayed after his affair with Bathsheba - "Against you, God, and you only have I sinned" as well as the knowledge of what I did to my affair partner's wife and how I was willing to gamble with the future of our respective children. 

Category 2 -
My husband has been witness to my brokenness.  He also knows that I have been willing and have sought out actions of restitution and restoration.  He sat with me in the doctor's office as I explained that I needed to be tested for STDs because I had an affair.  I gave the same explanation to his doctor when he went to be tested.  I treated him with the care and understanding that I knew I would have wanted *side note: I knew because of discovering and confronting pornography use regularly throughout our marriage*.  I NEVER have excused what I did, even when others have been willing to do so.  I can say that NEVER with confidence, because of those 3 days on my face before God before I confessed to my husband where God and I hashed out that it was not excusable, so I know that what I have said has come from a heart that truly believes there was no justification in how I had been treated by my husband.
These are things my husband can see, but I don't know how much of it he truly SEES.  I can say that, after at least 18 months of very intensive work on our relationship, we came to an agreement between us and with our spiritual mentors that bringing up the affair was ONLY acceptable when done in a healing and productive context.  When it comes up in other contexts I have been able to validate feelings, but hold the boundary of not allowing him to use the affair as a weapon against me and have been backed up by our mentors.

All of this is just sharing my experience, not necessarily advice on how you can go about it.  I would say that God's grace has more to do with it than anything.  I would also say that setting, enforcing, and having others he is accountable to reinforcing the boundary of "no weaponizing past sins" while giving freedom to bring them up in ways that are part of healing, forgivness, restitution and restoration has been key.

My prayers are with you.  I know first hand the temptation there is to justify sin in response to sin.  I also know that I have only been at peace with God and myself and open to joy when I refuse that temptation and take full responsibility for whether I am black, white, gray, or the sparkly rainbow that I was created to be, regardless of how my husband sees me.

BeagleGirl

[BeagleGirl]

DearHusband,

P.S.  I remember how much timelines meant to me after my affair, even though I knew "individual results may vary", so I'll give you mine.  I am two months away from the 3 year anniversary of ending my affair and revealing it to my husband.  The physical portion of my affair lasted 6 weeks, and the emotional portion started probably 6 months prior to that. 

Many things that I read gave a timeline of 18-24 months for a relationship to heal to the point of where it was before the affair.  I would say that was true in my case, though I confess that I was hoping for something better than what it was before .  I know my healing took about that long.  I don't want to discount how horrible those months were.  I have progressed from standing in a thunderstorm praying that God would strike me down and end my misery because I still longed for the "love" I had experienced during the affair to being able to be alone in a car with my affair partner (NOT intentionally, but life throws you awkward situations at times) and know a deep peace that, while temptation might always be there, I would not fall into that same sin again - with God's help. 

I don't know how far you are into your journey, but if you want to share I can probably give you some indications of what I faced at a similar point.  I prefer not to private message with men (boundaries), but would be willing to start up a thread for people who have had affairs and are married to BPDs.
BeagleGirl

[DearHusband]

BeagleGirl,

I'd be up for a thread. Four years later and the boundary of "no weaponizing past sins" is still a problem. Past mistakes are annualized and "celebrated."

DH

[Notwendy]

BeagleGirl,

I wanted to say that I admire your courage and will to be authentic to yourself and your values. That was a huge step to admit something that your H might potentially hold against you for a long time. Yet, the personal cost of hiding your truth was not something your boundaries and values could tolerate. You did this for you.

I can't say I have been in your exact shoes, but we all are to some extent when we WOE, say yes when we mean no, do things behind our partner's back because we are afraid of their anger. Our SO's do something similar when they put on their "mask" - hide their emotions and their disorder.

There is something to be said for our own integrity and self esteem. It feels good to do the right thing. That doesn't mean we don't ever make mistakes. We are humans, but it does mean there is a path to correction, forgiveness. I believe you have forgiven you, and the steps you took to make reparation between you and your H are commendable. He may choose to bring this up, but for you, I think you have earned the right to know that nobody's words can bring you down. You are very brave.

[DaddyBear77]

BeagleGirl,

I wanted to say that I admire your courage and will to be authentic to yourself and your values.
... .
You are very brave.

I completely agree - BeagleGirl your story was a huge inspiration to me over the past few days. Thank you so much.

Likewise, formflier, that was an Epic Post - I read it and re-read it a dozen times. The things I took away from what you said have been immensely helpful.
Over the past few days, I have answered every question my pwBPD has asked with complete honesty. As a result, she's learned the following:
1. I do NOT intend to get her an engagement ring anytime soon.
2. I DID, in fact, meet up with my parents while I was on my recent business trip.
3. I HAVE been speaking with my parents every couple of weeks.
4. In November, I wrote a letter to my parents with a bunch of accusations -  I did not actually believe those accusations were true, so I did not send that letter, even thought I've said for months that I DID send it.
5. I am willing to file for bankruptcy to solve our financial issues.

My pwBPD is expressing EXTREME feelings of being hurt and betrayed right now. For the most part, she's doing it without being abusive or hurtful, so I'm really grateful for that. In any case, I am trying SO hard not to place judgement on her feelings, and to not be invalidating.

Having said that, I am having a REALLY hard time matching my own feelings of regret and remorse to her feelings of hurt and betrayal. They seem to be VERY disproportionate. Here's an analogy:
SHE thinks / feels like I've killed her best friend and dragged the corpse through town, and has spent the past few days telling me how unforgivably horrible it was for me to do that. From MY perspective, I feel like maybe I punched her best friend, maybe for a reason I felt justified for at the time, but have since realized there's no excuse for punching anyone.

That's where I stand on this - thank you again for the responses.

P.S. BeagleGirl, looking forward to your thread on the topic of affairs and BPD. Thank you again for sharing your story here.

[Notwendy]

There is a difference between empathy and matching feelings. You don't have to match feelings. Two different people ( with a boundary between what is one person and what is the other person) do not match feelings. Each is a separate and different person with his/her own feelings.

We can love, feel empathy, be connected to someone else without sharing the same feeling or level of feeling, opinion, likes, dislikes, politics, religion and a number of things. I do think certain conditions such as shared values are important in relationships but it doesn't have to be shared feelings.

It makes sense that your wife is in victim mode, and feels things in black and white. But just because she may believe that you have done the most horrible thing in the world does not make it so, and you don't have to share that feeling.

[Grey Kitty]

First off, I'm glad to hear you are coming clean on difficult things with your wife. I know it isn't easy, but it is your best way forward with her. 

Having said that, I am having a REALLY hard time matching my own feelings of regret and remorse to her feelings of hurt and betrayal. They seem to be VERY disproportionate. Here's an analogy:
SHE thinks / feels like I've killed her best friend and dragged the corpse through town, and has spent the past few days telling me how unforgivably horrible it was for me to do that. From MY perspective, I feel like maybe I punched her best friend, maybe for a reason I felt justified for at the time, but have since realized there's no excuse for punching anyone.

Remember, feelings exist only for the person having them. They don't need to be justified. And they are always real, and always "right".

Don't try to stop your wife from having feelings, don't try to talk her out of them, don't try to make them go away. (Actions driven by those feelings are a different thing!)

And don't let your wife talk you out of your feelings, or try to talk yourself out of your feelings.

[BeagleGirl]

One thing I have studied a lot lately is the difference between remorse, contrition, and repentance.  If you are interested, I can give you some links to look over.  Ultimately, it boils down to contrition and repentance are linked, but you can have tons of remorse and not contrition or repentance.  While your wife may be looking for remorse (emotional suffering related to your actions), all that gets her is the satisfaction that you are suffering.  I've spent plenty of time looking for remorse in my husband and will now admit (though I probably wouldn't have at the time) that I really wanted to see that he was suffering in equal measure to the suffering he had caused me. 

I'm understanding now that what I really want is contrition.  There can be some emotional suffering related to contrition, but it is distinct in that it is directly tied to the actions you took that cause harm and not just the consequences of those actions.  The other key difference is that contrition leads to repentance, which means that the behavior will not be repeated.

The best example I can give is as it relates to my affair.  I don't know that I will ever feel the level of remorse for what I did to my husband that he (and maybe others) believe I should.  I have MUCH higher levels of remorse about what I did to my affair partner's wife.  Even without that, I have experienced contrition and repentance.  I know that what I did was wrong and I do not EVER want to repeat that behavior, not only because of the harm it has caused others, but because it is contrary to who I am and want to be.  My husband may never get the level of satisfaction he may desire from seeing me weep for what I did to him, but he is now married to a woman who will remain faithful to him.  That is the greater gift and within my control.  Expressing the "appropriate" level of remorse is not.

Hopefully your wife's experience of the level of pain will decrease over time (though we often choose to feed the pain and let bitterness grow, BPD or not) regardless of your level of remorse IF your repentance is true and she no longer has to fear fresh wounds.  That is all you can offer her, and no small matter.  The more you can focus on that and leave the rest to her and God, the better.

[Notwendy]

Daddybear, you didn't punch anyone.

But when you give in to avoid confrontation or the fallout, you "punch" yourself.

When you give in, you are enabling and that isn't good for you or your wife.

You stood up for your boundaries, that is all. ( and that's a good thing to do )