Incredibly lost

[Angel14]

Hi to everyone here. My S.O shows signs of BPD. The best way I can describe it is he is jekyll and Hyde. We have been together for 5 years. There had been times he acts like his old self. Then more then half the time he is someone else. Incredibly abusive, mostly emotional, very seldom physical, but it has happened. For the last 3 years, I have had people tell me that it isn't BPD. Its more like battered woman syndrome. I honestly don't know what it is. Due to how our relationship has been, I have been placed on antidepressants. I would really like some advice. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, welcome to the family.

It is really hard to love someone that you don't know when they're gonna be there, or a stranger is going to be on their place. It is equally painful when we know the "Mr.  Hide" part all to well also.

Please, take some time to read the first steps and tools. Even if your SO is not borderline, they can help to improve communication in couples of any kind. And minimize suffering for both of you.

I'm sorry you've reached this point in your suffering. Please, know that there is always something to do to make it better. You just took an important step.

[Mutt]

Hi Angel14, 



I'd like to join JoeBPD81 and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time, when you say that you feel lost, do you mean because people have suggested otherwise? We can't diagnose, only a professional can do that, what we can look at are BPD traits and we can form boundaries around those traits, what is or isn't acceptable to us. What BPD traits do you seee? Why are others saying otherwise?

This platform is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without judgement or invalidation, it helps to talk to others that have been in your shoes.

[Angel14]

Hi. Thank you for welcoming me.

He starts out his usual happy self. He's loving and caring. He likes to go out and do stuff with our son and me.

Just like a flip of a coin, he becomes a nightmare. He calls me a B*tch, accuses me if cheating on him, using him, trapping him. I avoid him when he is like that. He lies to me, even the smallest things. Yes he has been physically abusive. He likes to lock me in rooms so I can't leave. He doesn't like me leaving by myself. He says he can't trust me. He tells everyone that I'm crazy, that it's all in my head.

Then acts like nothing happened. It's like he forgot every thing that happened. He tries and be supportive when he's like himself. He's helpful.

He forgets everything he does as himself and then again as the other side of him.

One person says it's battered abuse woman. Yhst he does remember and he's just lying about it

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome Angel, ,

Living with someone with BPD is so confusing. LIke you said, they can be pleasant and fun and then the next moment they are angry and mean. It's such a roller coaster.

Although you currently are not in any danger I am concerned about your physical safety. Locking you in rooms so you can't leave can put you in a very serious situation. It's important that you have a plan on what to do when/if you leave. Is there a way you could hide a phone in the room he locks you in so that you can call 911? (There are emergency phones or burner phones that you can get for very cheap. It doesn't have to have all the bells and whistles, just a way to dial out.).

Below is a link to safety first.

Safety First

[Angel14]

It's emotionally draining.

He tells me that he is the reason I'm not out on the streets. He wants me to get a job (which I want one) but he has conditions to me getting one. It needs to be where he works, in the same area, same time, same days off. He does this with everything, when I should sleep, when I should eat, when I should bathe, how I should bathe, everything is his control when he is in one of his moods. I don't want to say moods, but it's really the only way I can describe it, aside from Jekyll and Hyde.

He makes me feel guilty about everything. What i wear, who I talk to, what I do, how I do it. Most of my family will not talk to me because of him. He doesn't like me talking to very many people either. He doesn't like me going anywhere unless it's with him. But he can do whatever he wants. He tells everyone that I'm the reason he has problems like anxiety.

He can be the sweetest and most caring person in the world when he is himself. He wouldn't ever hurt me when he's like himself. The happy self.

I really don't have anywhere to go. I have actually thought it would be better if I wasn't here anymore. I am in therapy and on antidepressants. I have the hotline number memorized. I don't think he is aware of his actions or changes.

The more and more this goes on, it seems like the dark part of him is what is staying longer and longer. The other night, we started talking about seperating. What we would do for our son if it came to that. Custody, schooling, everything. Then yesterday he was talking about us getting married. Just like that a flip.

It's killing me. I love him more then anything. However, there are some days I am terrified of what he can or will do. Anymore I just stay quiet and does as he asks and avoid him at all cost. I asked to get a membership to a gym to try and help him because he seems to need an outlet. He told me that he might start to think about it if I can be asleep by 11 at night and up by 7 in the morning every day for a month. He knows I suffer from insomnia, so having a normal schedule doesn't work for me. It's like he sets me up to fail. This morning he went and took the trash out, did the dishes, cleaned up the house for me because I was tired. I didn't ask him to. He just got up, went and cleaned. He was just like him again. I want him to stay and the other side of him to disappear.

I'm exhausted from it. I feel like I'm walking on eggs shells constantly. I never know what is going to set him off. He can be very impulsive. Often times, verbally and mentally abusive. The most he has done physically is hit me and locks me in rooms, He has even held me down against the floor til he calms down.

I really have no idea, what to do, where to go, how to even tell him that he needs help.

[Mutt]

Hi Angel14,

Have you thought about getting a gym membership? It helps with sleep at night and it's also me time, time for you where you don't get interrupted. I know that it's hard when you feel mentally drained to go to a gym. Where i'm going with this is have you thought about change for yourself and not necessarily for him? It sounds like you're ambivalent and not necessarily sure if you stay or go, which is understable, a pwBPD cause a lot of anxiety in the people that are closest to them and they say mostly negative things about the non, it's distortion because it's not a balanced perspective.

[Angel14]

I have thought about going to the gym, as a change to what is going on now. I love him but I don't know if staying is the best for me. I feel guilty about the idea of leaving him and I don't want to leave but I'm confused on what to do.

He's controlling when he's in the bad flip side of things. Everything is his way. It's this side I want to escape from.

I really am just confused and lost.

[Angel14]

Update I guess.  Yesterday we went out for the first time in a while. While we were waiting, he takes out his phone and starts messing with it. One of my friends call me and as soon as he hears its her, he ignored me and played with his phone the whole time during lunch. He kept giving me dirty looks the whole time. He stay quiet. Usually he just talks and talks. Not this time. Just stayed quiet.

The day went on and I avoided him. When he was finally himself, I asked if we could go look at shelves for our house. He said yeah, we can look. I started to get dressed and he asked me what I was doing. I said getting ready to look at shelves. He said it's my day off. I don't want to do anything. All you ever want to do is leave the house. I'm gone all the time. I just want to be home. I said well I can take the car and our son so you can relax. He said no. I need it for work. Besides that you're driving sucks. I didn't say anything more and walked back to our room.

Towards the evening, he was being sweet to me again. Asking me if I wanted anything and if he could get me anything. Before I could even say a word he said if you will do something for me. I said what's that. He said he wanted oral sex before he did anything for me. He said I owed him it because he does everything. He works and pays the bills. I take care of our son, our house, chores, budget the money, make sure the car is taken care of, errands, everything. All he does is sits in a chair and watches tv when he's home.

He got mad, because one of my friends who doesn't live here anymore called to see how I was. He said I didn't invite him to the conversation and that was rude of me.

He got up today, and said he's been thinking about us having another baby. I said I didn't want anymore kids. He said but he did and he usually gets his way. Then he left for work.

I honestly can't tell if it's getting worse or better. I'm tired constantly. He's 25 and acts like he is 3. Our son acts better then he does. I just don't understand it. Does it get better?

[Mutt]

You're right, he is emotionally arrested at the age of a young child of two or three, I can see how you're tired of the behaviors and the lack of respect.

BPD is a serious personality disorder, people can recover from it, at one point there was little hope for treatment but he has to want to get help for himself. Is he self aware? Does he sense that there is something off with him? Does he want to change?

Many of us at one time point expect our partners's to change, i'm guilty of that, nothing changed in my r/s', everyone's situation is different and i'm not saying that my situation was like yours, I just thought that we'd turn a corner one day. I just wanted that woman that first met to show herself again and it never came.

Change has to come from the emotionally stable partner, he has social impairments, he is who he is, his lack of emotional immaturity is not going to change, unless he sought help for himself. There's a lot of suffering on our part when we're disappointed that our partner doesn't grow up and act differently, I'll give you a link to radical acceptance, it's a tool that is taught to pwBPD, it's accepting reality for what is and not what we wish it to be, when embrace it instead of resisting it, it helps lessen our suffering.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

[Angel14]

As far as being self aware. No. He thinks he is just himself. He said he has been like this as long as he can remember.

Many people who have seen him switch. Even they noticed something isn't right. He himself is disappearing more and more. The darker side is what seems to be staying more. I have asked him if he thinks it's a possibility that he is BPD. He says no, you don't know what you're talking about, you're crazy. When other people ask him about it, and they use a little more verbal words then I am, since it can get nasty what is said, but they ask him if he is intending to be the dark side and he always replied why have you been listening to her. She's crazy. She's probably schizophrenic just like her brother and sister.

They notice it and understand it's not normal. I started trying to find a way to make him understand, that there is a problem. I feel so guilty because I have thought about leaving because he's disappearing and I can't stay with the dark side. But I don't want to leave him, the real him. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.

When he was quiet yesterday, I saw anger and hatred in his eyes. l was relieved that we were in public because I have no idea what he would have done if we hadn't. I'm nervous that he's just going to snap and disappear completely.