ExH helping S13 "investigate" school staff

[Ulysses]

Hello,
It's been awhile since I've posted on this board.  I've been busy with work, school, and recovering from a motor vehicle accident (rear-ended).  I'm not exactly looking for help with this post, although I always welcome feedback.  I'm still digesting what I've recently learned, and thought typing it out here might lead to more insight.

My exNPD/BPD H is remarried.  They are both attorneys.  S13 has been quite angry on and off (mostly on) since the divorce.  ExH and/or his wife have sent me emails denigrating the S13 school (usually when he has trouble making the tuition payments, which were part of the divorce settlement).  S13 at times seems very very angry at the school.  Certainly it's not perfect but it's been a good fit for him.  We've talked at his therapist's office but it doesn't seem to progress.  I try to listen but it gets to a point where after validating I talk to him about other options to direct his energy toward.

February was difficult for him.  His grades slipped and he was upset a lot.  He was with his dad a lot that month (school break), and grandmothers visited because of exH's new baby.  His dad's mom is pretty awful (I won't go into my earlier posts but she was involved in my exH's affair, lots of triangulation, denigrating me, paying for his airfare and hotel to visit his affair partner, etc.).  In the past S13 has shut down when around her. 

I found out this week that exH and his wife have been looking up court records of teachers and school staff at S13's school.  They were sharing the information with S13.  I found this on texts from February on S13's phone.  I asked him about it.  He said he wanted the information so he could "use it" as leverage against the school.  Apparently he thought he could share the information about court cases, traffic tickets, etc., to denigrate/shame the teachers and the school, and maybe get parents mad at them.  He didn't see a problem with this because it's, "public information." 

I am stunned and distraught that adults would encourage this.  I talked to my son about revenge, about channeling his energy into positive outlets.  I talked to him about how most major religions and philosophies discourage revenge.  I tried to humanize the school staff - e.g. Mr. X has children at the school - how might they feel if people were saying these things about their dad?  Yes I tried to validate his feelings first, although at this point it's really tough, I'll admit. 

The truly ironic thing in this is that his dad had basically a double life the last few years of our marriage.  When I found out I didn't use it against him (despite one attorney telling me that was the strategy he recommended to me, and I would get what I wanted because making exH's actions public would destroy his reputation and possibly cause him to lose his job).  During the difficult divorce, I certainly entertained fantasies at times, but I never would have acted on those fantasies.  So here's the exH who has many secrets that could still cause him embarrassment in his professional life, teaching and egging on my S13 how to dig around for dirt on school staff to feed revenge fantasies.  Because I'm so good at worrying and borrowing trouble, I wonder what it would be like if my S13 were old enough to get a weapon.  Truly, this is where my thoughts jump to. 

This is a hard road and I still worry about my children.  This just confirms that they are exposed to some pretty sick stuff.  And I don't think there's anything I can do about it except try and support my son.

[david]

I hope you saved the texts in February.

[Ulysses]

Yes I took a screen shot.  I don't know what to do with them but I thought it was valuable to have proof.  The texts are actually from the stepmother, but I assume his dad was part of it too.

[david]

Make sure they are in a safe place and can't be lost. You might want to print a copy too.

I had issues at our boys school in the beginning. Ex was adamant that our youngest had a learning disability. She was convinced when he was born that he had downs syndrome. It took the doc two days to convince her otherwise. She insisted he be tested. The test results were inconclusive. The biggest reason was he was too young for the tests to have any validity. The school gave him an IEP anyway. It took me from kindergarten until second grade to convince the school he didn't need an IEP. I am a school teacher and have no problems with IEP's provided they are needed for a specific issue. They tested him again and he was placed in their accelerated program. He is in 7th grade now and doing well.

I told everyone in school that I believed my ex was doing things that were not in our sons best interest. Eventually they started to listen.

You might want to approach someone in the school to have a talk and also show them the text messages. Most schools have a pretty good legal department and know how to handle situations that come up. Keep your son out of the discussions and let the school know that you want that too.

[david]

Also, stepmom could be in trouble with those text messages if you went to court. Not sure how that should be handled. You would need to talk to an attorney about that. Trying to sabotage a 13 year old is horrible.

[Ulysses]

Thanks for reading my very long initial post and replying, David.  I am contemplating letting the school know.  I am concerned I will appear to be a vindictive ex-wife or something.  I also have been thinking about calling the L who handled my divorce to ask her.  S13 therapist doesn't seem helpful so I don't know if it will do any good to tell him. 

Your information about the Down's Syndrome got me thinking.  I realize now that exH and his wife, by doing/encouraging this, are helping to drive a wedge between S13 and his teachers/school personnel.  I think this is a way to isolate S13.  Students often form good relationships with at least one teacher.  And S13 goes to a private school that emphasizes social and emotional growth and nuturing for the population they serve (high intellectual ability, some of whom have disabilities as well).  And as I type this, I realize now that this is EXACTLY what my exH did when we first started dating in college.  I ended up questioning my relationships with my college friends.  I ended up not talking to guys I'd been friends with and dated in high school because he told me he was jealous (of someone I dated when I was 15?).  When I ran into an old boyfriend, exH  told me, "he's probably gay."  Women I knew after my son was born met once/month for dinner and drinks, and he wouldn't support me going - talked about how horrible the women were for leaving their kids, etc.  When he was having his affair, before our marriage ended, he tried to convince me I had nothing in common with a childhood friend (she and I have been friends since we were 6), and that I shouldn't talk to her anymore.  He stopped giving me phone messages from my mom and sister. 

Ok, this has been so helpful to type this out.  Your responses have got me thinking and I appreciate the support.

I'm glad to hear your son is doing well now.

[david]

Focusing on your son and the concerns you have is not being vindictive. I used to try to "get along" with everyone and not ruffle feathers when I was with my ex. I learned the behavior over a period of years without realizing it.
My ex accused me of assault and I was in jail for two weeks. I did nothing wrong. However, I thought about what was going on and decided enough was enough. I purchased a video recorder and a small audio recorder. I have it with me at all times. Ex knows it and has brought it up in court several times. I get yelled at by the judge but nothing else. I had three protection orders and one stay at jail until I realized I needed to protect myself. Since I purchased the recorders I have not been accused of anything.
Approaching the school and letting them know your concerns accomplishes several things. It lets the school know your concerns and that you are looking for solutions that the school and you can use. If the school is seeing behavioral issues it may explain to them a lot.
When I first started talking to people at their school they thought I was the problem since ex already had talked to them. They said nothing but I could figure it out by the way they interacted with me. Eventually I found someone that saw what I was seeing and I was contacted. I gave a lot more information at that time and things started changing for the better. I always was focus on our son and didn't talk about my ex in a negative way. I did tell them things that were going on with the boys and her at her residence. The fact that they did over 95% of all their homework when they were with me and I only seen them EOW made an impression on them that changed their thinking about me. It got to the point that two teachers actually gave me their personal cell numbers so I could talk to them directly. I never called but it was telling me a lot about what they were seeing. I used the normal channels of communication.

[Ulysses]

David, you've been through a lot.  It must have been crushing to be on the receiving end of the false accusations, and end up in jail.

I do worry about what other people think about me.  I'm aware of my tendency to care, likely too much, about what others (might) think of me (thanks in part to the board here - I think you actually pointed this out to me last year!).  I'm now beginning to care less about others' opinions of me (if they even have any), but sometimes feel a little callous about it.

S13 is in his last two months of school, and then will move on to a new school next year.  D8 will attend school here for about 5 more years.  So I will consider how to approach the school about this.  I imagine exH will continue over the years to pull things like this. 

[sanemom]

I do agree--let the school know.  Be very present in the school.  Volunteer.  This will help protect you against the venom they may start giving out about you.  The positions they put our children in are difficult for an adult to navigate, much less a 13 year old.

[Ulysses]

Thanks for your feedback, Sanemom.

In the past I looked for feedback and validation that what exH did was often disturbing.  I think I've progressed/am progressing because I'm finding I don't feel I need that validation as much.  My therapist once told me that what she was doing was, in part, keeping me in reality.  Because exH was quite good at creating a reality that was warped.  He is doing it still, but this time to my S.  I knew this could happen but it is very painful to watch. 

I used to volunteer at their school.  The year before our divorce I headed up the school's largest event.  Since the divorce I don't do much - 3-4 part-time jobs, more than full-time graduate school, and now an accident to recover from doesn't leave me much time.  Plus I'm dealing with feelings of complete inadequacy.  ExH and his wife have done the circuit of dinner parties.  I can tell which parents are under his spell, so to speak.  Some are mothers I worked pretty closely with, and now give me odd looks.  Others have gone out of their way to  make me feel welcome and know that they are happy to see me. 

I told my D8's T today about this.  She found it disturbing and hopes that my S's T will work on this from a therapeutic perspective (e.g. the idea of seeking revenge).

[Ulysses]

Here's a quick (I hope) update.  Not sure if I should move this to the legal board.

My L told me I could take this to mediation, which never occurred to me.  In her opinion it's possible exH is excluding me from issues that both parents should be involved in (ok, well, she said of course he is, it's his nature).  She explained to me that if S13 is so angry at his school that he is wanting to take revenge, and exH is proceeding to help him with that strategy, it could be argued that he is not co-parenting where it is required, that is, on schooling decisions.  A preferable route would be to have both parents involved when there are school issues.  She also understands that mediation isn't binding and he can choose to continue not co-parenting.  I hadn't thought of it like this - I'd only seen the therapeutic angle and the mental health/morality of my son.