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Author Topic: How could I have handled this better?  (Read 575 times)
Lalathegreat
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« on: April 17, 2017, 01:04:16 PM »

The worst moment of the vacation with my pwBPD came on the last evening. He had asked me to step up and make the dinner arrangements. (One of his big complaints about me is how I tend to "go with the flow" instead of communicating my needs and desires. What he seems to fail to understand is that I am genuinely a pretty chill person who doesn't have super strong opinions about things like where we eat and that I get more pleasure out of watching the people I care about have enjoyable experiences.) He and his son have dietary restrictions so planning a meal is a lot more complicated than just picking a restaurant. But whatever, the day itself had gone fairly well and I agreed to tackle the challenge.

I ended up making reservations at a small restaurant that we had seen earlier in the day that he had mentioned might be fun to eat at. I called and asked if their selections would meet the dietary requirements, they custom make the food and so I put in our order ahead of time (with pwBPD's input) and was told that they serve dinner "family style" which I thought meant that we would have our own table but the food would be put in the middle for us to serve onto our own plates. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Ok, in hindsight I should have seen that this was NOT an ideal situation, more on that later.

So in the process of getting ready for dinner pwBPD approached me with his usual "what's wrong, what am I doing wrong? Are you sexually frustrated?" Now because of the fact that his son was with us, that we had been having some arguments (the wine night spent puking in the bathroom for example) we had NOT had sex very much on this trip. And I sensed a trap, I SOO sensed a trap, but I wasn't sure how to validate his concern without acknowledging a certain amount of truth in that statement. I tried to tread very carefully - I can't remember my exact words, but essentially I just acknowledged that we hadn't had the opportunity for intimate moments as frequently as I would have liked but that nobody was to blame and that I would not describe my feelings as "frustration" so I didn't want him to feel bad. Well crap. Because now ___ is flying... .why didn't *I* create more opportunities, why didn't *I* initiate these discussions, why am *I*  putting my ___ on him when he's the one who was trying to make things happen. He accused me of resenting his son. It just went on and on. All of this is going down at a time when we now have about 20 minutes to get our stuff together to leave for this dinner.

I told him that I would make an effort to be more mindful of the opportunities and to be more vocal about my needs. I managed to hold off engaging in JADE, but it was getting hard because the torrent of accusations was getting intense. It was particularly hard to not deny the accusations about resenting his son. I kept focusing on anything that I could validate or honestly agree to work on. And since I do know that I tend to be a more "passive" person, I can acknowledge that there needs to be room for improvement in that area.

And I'm watching the clock - now we have 10 minutes to get to the restaurant. And in frustration I did finally break down a little. I think I said something like "Ok, our reservations are in 10 minutes. I am going to dinner and I hope that you will join me."

What followed was the lowest moment of the trip. He tore his shirt off, he physically approached me (but then immediately backed off), he sputtered and spit and it clearly took everything in him to hold it together to even a small extent (hey, give credit where credit is due right?). Finally he told me that he was buying me a bus ticket and that he and his son would leave immediately and that I was to never contact him again. I can't remember the torrent of insults that followed at that point, but it went on for a bit. I remember thinking "this is it, this is finally it - this will really be over." And I just sort of slumped down in the hallway crying as this continued. I was honestly surprised at how devastated I was in that moment considering how ready I have felt for some time to be done.

This was interrupted by the restaurant calling because we have missed our reservation. I tell them that I need to cancel. She is telling me that they have already made the food and that next time I will need to call in advance to cancel - suddently pwBPD is signalling me that I should go and take his son. HUH? So I tell the lady that I will be there in 10 minutes.

I ask pwBPD if I should take this opportunity to tell his son goodbye. And now he breaks down crying. Tells me that it's my call, whether or not I'm done with him. That if I'm not I don't have to tell him anything. I ask him one last time to come to dinner with us and he concedes. So what follows is the most awkward 10 minute walk ever as we book it to this tiny little B&B restaurant.

We get there and discover that "family style" means that we are seated with other people and that they are already 2 courses into dinner. UGH

In some ways it could not have been worse, in others I was grateful. Because suddenly my pwBPD is this delightful charming person that I remember from the honeymoon phase. HOLY HELL can he turn on a dime and be the most insanely charismatic person. And it was a welcome break... .but also so incredibly tormenting as I remembered all of the things that drew me to this person in the first place. And why oh why isn't he this person for ME anymore?

We returned home after dinner, watched a movie with his son and ended up going to bed pretty late. But unfortunately the conversation continued. And the message essentially was that I had spent the entire vacation "checked out" from him but then wanted to blame him for all of the problems. That the trip had been a waste of time and money. That he had done everything he could and I had made it miserable for him. He made a point of telling me how impractical the dinner I had chosen for our last night was (after he told me to arrange the final dinner and that I wouldn't be chastized even if it was awful, blah blah blah). And at the end of the day I just ended up being all "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" which I acknowledge was completely the wrong thing to do (and I even knew it in the moment but it was 2am at this point and the argument began at 6:15pm) I just wanted it to be done. We ended up having sex and finally going to sleep around 3.

So let's dissect the game tape. Should I have continued walking and gone to dinner by myself when he tore his shirt and told me that he was buying me a bus ticket? I keep thinking that the right play might have been to just keep walking and let those chips fall. Was it a bluff? Was he actually trying to break up with me? Now I will never know... .but what I do know is that this is one more time when I SAID I needed to leave and then didn't, continuing the pattern of me being inconsistant with my words versus my actions. Was there a way to to get this back on the tracks before? I keep wondering if I had said "I can see this is something important that you want to address but we only have a few minutes to get ready for dinner. Can we talk about it tonight?"" if the whole freaking thing could have been avoided. Having said that - there have been times in the past when I have attempted to "put off" these conversations and been accused of walking away and taken a verbal battering anyways. He does not generally handle being told to wait very well when he decides there is something he needs to have addressed.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Lessons to take moving forward?

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KateCat
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« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2017, 02:18:45 PM »

Greetings, Lalathegreat.

May I respond based on my impressions of the totality of your postings on this forum?

I feel the very best thing about this situation is that you have been keeping your own child(ren) completely away from it. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The very worst thing is that there are multiple signs this guy might be what the professionals call "a batterer." (If I understand their general argument, the batterer is a person who will not benefit, for instance, from traditional anger management therapy. If he accepts treatment for his behaviors, the treatment will be different.) At the very least, you don't seem to have seen anything that can exclude the possibility that he is a batterer.

You've been pretty forthcoming in mentioning unnerving signs: an ambiguous "domestic" court case previously brought against him; his destruction of property; and, pretty early in this relationship I think, he spat at you.

Have you said you were speaking with a therapist/counselor about this relationship? Are you getting all of this out in the open with the counselor, or are you willing to do so? Maybe the counselor can see something other than danger ahead for the two of you . . . I don't know. Maybe a professional can guide you through this difficult walk. All I can see is  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).

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Lalathegreat
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« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2017, 02:52:43 PM »

Thank you KateCat - I immediately took to google and cannot disagree with your assessment in the slightest. So many of the things that I can look back on that point this direction. I guess I need to take some time to think about what that additional layer means for the future.

I definately feel like I am in a relationship with the hardest possible type of person... .BPD, probably narcissistic, and prone to violence as well. So many layers on the onion.

And yeah - my children are being kept far far away. I'm not making the best choices always for myself, but I am proud of at least holding that boundary firmly. And I will die on that line - I will not allow him to hurt them. Although seriously, what kind of future can I have with someone I can't bring around my children? ugh
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BeagleGirl
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« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2017, 03:02:09 PM »

First of all, I'm sorry you went through all of this.

Without dissecting each action/reaction, I have a couple comments (you need only call them advice if you want to take the).

1 - Try to clearly understand and reinforce what the conversation is about, whether you choose to engage in it, and, if so, when.  For example - When asked if you were sexually frustrated you can choose to define the conversation as being about your feelings and your approach to handling them.  That's the question that was asked.  If so, an appropriate answer might be "I think I may be dealing with some of those feelings.  Thank you for caring.  I have chosen to put physical intimacy on the back burner for the past few days because of other things that have taken priority, but am looking forward to reconnecting with you physically."  If the conversation turns to a blame game, like it did, then the conversation has changed and it might be helpful to state that.  "I am hearing from you that you want to have a conversation about your feelings."  Then you can choose boundaries for the conversation including topics and timing.  "I'd like to hear about how you are feeling and how we can move past the recent "dry spell" most effectively, but I won't be able to have that conversation with you until after dinner."

2 - Call bluffs and don't take the bait.  Your story reminded me of one of the most satisfying experiences I had with my MIL.  We were having a Christmas gathering at her parent's house with her extended family.  They are all very used to catering to her bipolar/BPD behavior and she was making everyone miserably uncomfortable but acting the victim in all of it.  When she started in on "I should just go home.  *FIL's name* take me home" and my FIL started up with the soothing and placating, I spoke up with "*FIL's name*, I'll be happy to drive her home and come back if you don't mind me borrowing your keys".  He was so shocked that he actually handed over the keys without really thinking or protesting.  MIL also was in shock but I waited patiently for her to gather her things and kindly held the door for her as we exited.  We ended up sitting in the car in the driveway and talking for 2 hours.  It was the best conversation we ever had.  I give full credit to God for giving me a truly open heart for the conversation, but I also know that it would never have happened if I had fallen into the same placating mode that allows her to control the situation.  In your situation, calmly accepting the offer for a bus ticket and being willing to let him face the consequences of his decisions (losing the remainder of the vacation with you and taking on the additional expense of the bus ticket) could be a good way to remind him that HE does have control of what he does and will face the consequences.  YOU have control of your responses and will also face the consequences.  Your "consequence" could have been a vacation locale to do your cooling off/decision making in.

I know it's MUCH easier said than done, but I'm learning that one of the keys to dealing effectively with my BPD husband is to not take the bait when he does things that are meant to hurt me/get a reaction out of me and IDEALLY, not actually be hurt or react negatively.  For about 3 weeks there was a rotting apple on our kitchen counter when I came over to spend time with my son.  The rest of the counter space was neat and clean because I was always careful to clean up after myself and he was trying to prove that he was complying with my request to keep the shared family space tidy.  But every visit for 3 weeks that rotting apple was sitting there, begging for me to throw it away.  I didn't.  I continued to tidy up after myself and even made sure the area around the apple was cleared of crumbs and dust, but I never touched the apple and never mentioned it.  After the second week, the apple didn't anger me.  By the time he finally disposed of the apple, I barely noticed that it wasn't there.  He controlled the apple, but I controlled my response to the apple.  The apple has now been replaced by sprouting onions, but those are at least prettier.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2017, 12:31:17 PM »

The time to deal with the problem was earlier, not later.

So in the process of getting ready for dinner pwBPD approached me with his usual "what's wrong, what am I doing wrong? Are you sexually frustrated?" Now because of the fact that his son was with us, that we had been having some arguments (the wine night spent puking in the bathroom for example) we had NOT had sex very much on this trip. And I sensed a trap, I SOO sensed a trap, but I wasn't sure how to validate his concern without acknowledging a certain amount of truth in that statement.

When he's agitated ("what's wrong, what am I doing wrong?", validation can work, so give it a try if you see a way to do so. "You sound worried and upset. Is something bothering you?"

If he takes the validation sincerely, he could wind himself down, and you could go forward from there. (Like BegaleGirl & her MIL in the car that time)

And if he doesn't, if he continues to spool up, protect yourself by removing yourself from his company.

I'm pretty sure that if you had left the vacation early, either before the pre-dinner fight, or when he told you to leave in the fight, and gone home, without joining him for dinner, without the post-dinner fight, you would have been better off, right?
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flourdust
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« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2017, 02:58:59 PM »

It's tempting to try to game out these scenarios, to figure out if you could have threaded a different path through the eggshells without breaking any of them. Is that really helpful? Probably not.

I agree with others on this thread that you should step back and look at the big picture here. What kind of relationship do you want or at least will minimally accept? Are you going to get that with this guy, assuming no change on his part? If not, then your next step is... .?
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Lalathegreat
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« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2017, 04:57:57 PM »

I appreciate everyone's thoughtful feedback. I have not seen pwBPD since Sunday morning with only minimal text contact and as usual my ability to have perspective is much improved when I am not around him. What happened on our vacation is frightening to me, not only as individual events, but because he accepts responsibility for no part of it. His position very firmly is that he has a short temper, but that I trigger him by constantly "challenging" him, or conversely by "stealing" from him by not asking directly for the things I want.

I cannot accept that I do either and cannot find any evidence based in reality that I do. Unfortunately, by conceding some things in a weak moment,  pwBPD is bolder than ever in believing his version is correct.

I have a lot to think about, but I think at the end of the day I will never be able to accept this hell as my reality. I need to start planning my exit.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2017, 05:52:18 PM »

What happened on our vacation is frightening to me, not only as individual events, but because he accepts responsibility for no part of it.

That he considers this behavior justified is indeed a huge problem, and you have very little ability to change his mind. Heck, when pwBPD or other abusive people do things like that, but later regret/realize that it wasn't justified/reasonable, they still have to work really hard to stop from doing it again, and he's not even that far along!

Excerpt
His position very firmly is that he has a short temper, but that I trigger him by constantly "challenging" him, or conversely by "stealing" from him by not asking directly for the things I want.

I'd suggest you refuse to participate in arguments with him about whether his abusive behavior is justified or not and why.

Nothing good will come of that.
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« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2017, 12:59:52 PM »

Big picture:  Keep the below observation in your scan.  As you consider the future of your r/s, I would hope you have a clear answer to "what am I going to do about that... " (that being KateCat's observsation)


The very worst thing is that there are multiple signs this guy might be what the professionals call "a batterer."  


That being said... .you asked... .so here is my input.

You are overthinking and over-analyzing the interactions.  I'm going to guess part of the reason you stick around so long while he hurls insults is that you think you will be able to listen and reason with him.  (I certainly used to think that way... .still do sometimes... .it's soo tempting, because "if they just understood xyz... "  Please understand... .he is not going to be "reasoned" with.

him:  blather blather "let's talk about sex"

you:  Oh... I see, I can talk about that during a nice walk after dinner.  How does that sound?  (hand it back to him)

him:  blather blather... you xyz... .you are avoiding abc... .blather

you:  Oh my... .I can't have this conversation right now.  I'll meet you at the (place for dinner)... .good evening.

leave... .done... .don't look back.  

If he comes... enjoy dinner.

If he doesn't come... .enjoy dinner.

How does all of that sound to you?  

I'm less concerned about your "tactics" than I am your "mindset".  You stick around and listen to way too much... .WAY TOO MUCH.

I'm going to be frank here:  My guess is there is some fear of leaving based on antics he has pulled in the past.  How close am I?   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Now... please head back up to top of post and see how all of this relates to KateCat's observation/concern.


Thoughts?

FF



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« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2017, 01:16:15 PM »


Lalathegreat,

Let me tell a recent story, from my life... .this past Monday morning.

My wife comes in the bedroom and shuts the door (I'm pleased at this point, we have been working on adult stuff staying private) and says "I need to talk to you"

FF:  Sure hon... .whats up?

FFw:  Why did you wait until last night to tell me you were going out of town?  (not factually correct... .warning sign one)

FF:  Oh babe... .that sucks (she needs to leave for work in 5 minutes).  I'm sorry we didn't communicate well (I'm not owning it... .but not blaming her either).

Now  FF makes tactical error.  I should have stayed with sorry and cared for her feelings and not debate facts.  What I did is tried to "pivot" to a solution.  She was not interested in a solution it is likely she wanted to bash me because she was heading to work and/or a million other things she is pissed about.

FF:  Hey... .you know I've added some things to my quarterly leadership goals.  One of those is to have several "open meeting times" per week where we can talk about stuff... .if you want to.  (leaving it in her court... .not me trying to force her).

Yeah... .she wasn't interested in solutions...

FFw:  "I don't have time for meetings.  If you want to meet, I'll quit my job and then we can meet whenever you want."   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   At this point... .ol' FF knows he has stepped in it... .and needs exit plan.

FFw:  "And... .you never told me about (some papers in legal case)."

FF:  I'm not going to have this conversation now. 

I open the bedroom door and leave... .she follows me... .all kinds of blather coming out of her mouth.  There are kids milling about... .so I send them to their rooms and close the doors (to deprive my wife of an audience).

Then I keep moving about the house to stay away from her... she finally leaves for work.

Total time from start to finish is perhaps 5 minutes... .10 tops.

Understand very little is "solvable".  We had a phone conversation later that day... she sounded tense... .

Next phone call was normal... .  The issue hasn't come back up... .and I don't plan to bring it up.

My wife was likely flooded with emotion and pissed because of going to work on a Monday.  I protected myself and my kids... .however my wife got back to "normal"... .she did.  End of story.

The longer these things go on... .it's like pouring fuel on the fire.

FF
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Lalathegreat
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« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2017, 01:53:46 AM »

FF you are exactly spot on in your observations and I am grateful for your thoughts. I wouldn't ask if I didn't want honest and frank input.

I absolutely stay too long because I hope that at some point there will be a moment when I can insert something that will redeem the situation. And yes, I absolutely have stayed at times because on multiple occasions when I attempted to physically leave it escalated the situation to a point where I worried about the threat of physical violence. I think this situation at the beach fit both categories. In the initial argument I kept trying to figure out how to use reason to calm him (yes, clearly I was misguided in this thinking) or to at least find whatever validating phrase he needed to return to some state of calm. And then when I did finally tell him I was leaving for dinner, he tore his shirt and began to physically unravel and I found myself thinking that it was less dangerous to stay and endure a verbal onslaught than risk having him chase me down and spit on me or worse again.

I do think that I tend to ruminate too much on our interactions - unfortunately I feel in many ways this has been because I take responsibility for the success or failure of any given conversation. And here's the problem - I need to stop that. I can't control him. I can't force him to listen to me. I can't calm him down, and ultimately there is nothing about any of it that I control with the exception of whether I stay or go. I keep hoping that by dissecting the failures I will learn some magical lesson that will help me keep everything under control NEXT time. I need to accept that no such thing exists.

I am still very torn. I've plotted my break up plan, I have talked to a handful of close friends in an effort to line up support as well as a plan for managing things if he decides to show up at my home or work. I want to visit the local police department and get advice as well as to see if there might be more going on in his record. But the thought of pulling the trigger is still gutwrenching to me. You are absolutely correct in your observation that the relationship cannot continue as it has been. Whether that means we break up or I take drastic steps to protect myself, I'm not sure yet.

Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate them.
 
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« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2017, 07:03:41 AM »


Is there a third option.  Give him the choice.

The idea that you are done with "this" relationship and if he wants to change things and attempt to reconcile... .that is his choice. 

He needs to know you are changing to "healthy".

You are making no demand... .he is fine to stay where he is.  If he decides to engage in "verifiable" change, you will be open to taking a look at that.

FF
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Lalathegreat
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« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2017, 08:07:37 AM »

FF - I like the idea of this 3rd option but worry about my ability to communicate it effectively to my pwBPD orbto enfirce it afterwards. He will ask for and expect a clear definition of what the expectations are, and I'm not even certain that I know what that would look like for myself. Obviously the abusive verbal battering needs to stop but beyond that... ? (Keeping in mind of course that he does not view what he does as "abusive" and has told me that multiple times.)

You asked in another thread what he is doing as far as therapy. He has been in therapy in the past but isn't currently. He does not have insurance at the moment or the financial means to go to therapy right now. I can only make guesses based on what he has told me (and what I know about him and his patterns) but I get the sense that he has only stayed with therapists that he has been able to manipulate by controlling what he is willing to share. He admitted to having a huge verbal argument with the counselor that he saw with his ex-wife when they were in marriage counseling.

Any thoughts or suggestions for how a conversation about this would go?
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« Reply #13 on: April 22, 2017, 08:35:47 AM »

The idea that HE is going to change seems ill founded. As you say Lala, he doesn't understand or agree with what is wrong. This board teaches it is us whom we can change. The behaviors of some of our pwBPD lend themselves to inserting our own boundaries that we can execute on without their cooperation while remaining in the relationship. But if your fundamental boundary is that you don't want to be in a relationship where someone will talk to you in the way that he does, that isn't likely to change.

To the extent your bottom line is that you would need him to change, not just your own management skills (and that is a perfectly fine position if you don't want to be together with someone who acts this way):

Inviting real ("verifiable" change is different than inviting the promise of future change. The latter is pretty meaningless and in fact can reinforce that you don't really mean that change is necessary. The former isn't going to occur overnight if ever. My two exes with extreme personality dysfunctions don't seem to be able to change. Certainly the time horizon if they are going to is very very long (decades) and frankly I see no sign. I have more than made it possible. Both are choosing to remain very much as they were and in some respects double down (I am only still in touch with my exH because we have a daughter; my more recent partner is someone I've known for a long time and care a lot about and have kept talking to after the demise of our romance because I wanted to give every chance of a better outcome. He is deeply entrenched in not changing, which has now come at extreme cost to numerous other women since me, as well as me).

If you're staying, changing yourself in ways taught here that limit the harm and model good health and self respect is a good idea. But the premise that he will change such that this can be better seems very shaky.
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« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2017, 09:12:21 AM »

I should perhaps add that I have done this several times with my more recent ex--essentially followed the prescription of FF's last two posts (which again, are the opposite of us remaining in the relationship while radically accepting that they are how they are and that is unlikely to change, and using boundaries for self protection).

I have made clear that I am open if he is in a different place and that is sustainable.

He has come back several times saying he would change. He missed us and it was worth making whatever changes were needed.  :)etails were sparse. I gave it a shot a couple times. It became clear that though he did not want to lose me/us, he really had no skills and no clue HOW to cope with his scary feelings in any way other than the highly destructive ways he's been using for years. Those ways aren't things I can accommodate (which is where it sounds like you are?). So though he entered into a reconciliation under a "change" banner, really, it would be more accurate to say he was temporarily open to saying he would try new things and do what I needed. Once I was back, it turned out he was not equipped to do that. His habits of coping overwhelmed his interest in change. It was hard to listen to his reasoning--he was sincere but his perceptions and assumptions were so, so distorted.

I had to learn/see it for myself though. Had I not given him that chance I supposed I'd feel even worse about where we are now than I do. I don't feel bad that I articulated the situation as FF does above: "if you can do healthy I am interested. Otherwise--it's been great." But that prospect is the one we are taught on here not to actually expect to see happen. If offering the opening makes it so that you are comfortable with who you are and how you responded to him, that makes sense. But know that he will likely try to take you up on it at some point; and that he probably won't be able to make those changes.
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Lalathegreat
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2017, 09:42:01 AM »

Patientandclear - I suspect you are right. It seems that everyday I am faced with new examples illustrating that these behaviors are so deeply entrenched in pwBPD. I find it amazing that he was able to hold it together for the 4 months of honeymoon period and keep me largely in the dark. (Although looking back there were signs, just harder to "see" clearly when they weren't directed at me.)

But FF is also right when he says that I'm a person who wants to see the best in people and give opportunities for progress and change. I've always thought that was a good thing, only now do I see how much I have allowed that aspect of my personality be taken advantage of in ways that have been very damaging to me.

I suspect that once I make a move to end things, pwBPD will throw a fit, "dump" me in dramatic fashion in order to save his pride and that largely it will be a moot point. But I have to look at myself in the mirror and want to able to say that I did everything I could that was fair and reasonable.

Does that make me broken? Sometimes I wonder. Because he's willing to spit on me and I'm over here worrying about being "fair".
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formflier
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2017, 11:51:19 AM »

I saw where you worried about how to communicate that and then "hold" to it.

Can you tell us more about that?  Whatever you do in an effort to change (him and you), if you don't hold, you are better off NOT TRYING.  

I also want to stress it is less about what you say (verbal communication) and MORE about what you do (non-verbal).

Fundamental change will take a long time to see, if ever.  Change because of circumstances you "force" them into (because of healthy choices you are making) is much more possible.  You would have to try this for a while and see if it is enough.

For instance:  Today has been a wonderful day with my wife.  She seemed open to "connecting" with me so I "leaned in".  This past Monday morning was one of the worst in months.  On Monday morning I was able to use tools to shut things down, put kids in their rooms with doors closed and I exited situation.  

The bad stuff only lasted about 10 minutes.  Essentially all the remnants were over and "back to normal" in half a day.  Though nothing was solved.  

I could tell for a day or two after that my wife seemed frustrated that I wouldn't "take the bait".  I have no idea how she solved her issue (whatever she was ruminating on)... .but I "communicated" to her that I wouldn't be part of it.  That I "wouldn't be part of "that kind" of marriage".  

Today I communicated that I would be part of "this kind" of marriage.

Do you see how my choice was consistent and I respected her choice, vice chasing her around trying to convince her to be reasonable or to "see it my way".

I've chosen to see it my way.  Period.  I've decided to respect my wife's choices and make decisions accordingly.

Hope this helps.  You have a lot to think about.  Each r/s is unique, so honestly, the only way to see if it will work... .is to be consistent for a while.

This is not the life I would have chosen, but I have chosen my path.  If my wife chooses another... .that is her choice.

FF
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