I cannot stay anymore. I am leaving her.

[ArleighBurke]

Here is an article on emotional abuse
https://lifespov.wordpress.com/2017/04/15/12-unquestionable-warning-signs-that-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship/

I tick 7 without question, and probably could justify another 3.

It's stupid - but after years of psychologists and counsellors telling me - I now see it. I now see the cycle of abuse in my marriage as clear as domestic violence. A few days ago my wife said "it feels like you're going to leave me", and I didn't reassure her in any way. So now she's been perfect for the past 3 days - no outbursts, initiating sex, happy housewife, happy mother. I start to think "it's actually an OK marriage - I should stay", yet I know it'll be back to the old marriage soon enough. I now understand why it's so hard for DV victims to leave. I've lived in the thought that *I* was wrong, then in the hope of things being better, now in the realisation that there is no-one going to come save me - I need to make my own decisions - for me.

So I am planning to leave. Soon. For all the heartache that it'll bring. For all the turmoil I will cause my kids. For the pain she will feel. It is the right choice. No-one will ever thank me. No-one will ever tell me it was the right choice. She will hate me forever. But I cannot lose me. If I stay I will fade away - no-one will rescue me. Leaving needs to be *my* choice.

And it's the most painful thing I've ever done.

[ArleighBurke]

... .and every minute my resolve seeps away. Being at work, walking outside, watching TV - all these good things trick me into thinking that perhaps it's not that bad. The danger is not immediate, so my brain thinks it's gone. Now it has to be a "stubborn" decision to leave, rather than an emotional one. Which may be good, but then creep in the doubts... .

[BeagleGirl]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same "revelation" a few months ago - realizing that the crises that could be tolerated when viewed individually actual constituted a pattern that fit the definition of abuse.
I also understand how the determination to leave seems to evaporate when you get just enough space or renewal to think about how little pain you have to endure if you stay vs the pain you will endure and inflict on others if you leave.
Have you considered an intermediate step, like a therapeutic separation?

[Inneedofhelp]

I'm so sorry to hear you are having to make this decision. I have been in a marriage for 17 years, but separated for 6 of those years because of the awful things that he has done and said. I have been losing myself, trying to please him or at least not anger him so I can convince myself it's not that bad. I have stalled on the divorce even though I can't be with him anymore, again out of fear of his rage (undiagnosed BPD and in denial) and irrational behaviors. There is no way to make him feel supported or at least not volatile, and I didn't realize how bad it was until I started coming out of the FOG and letting people in on some of it. I know I need to separate completely, but it seems so complicated with 2 children and his explosive moods. I didn't know there was a book called stop walking on eggshells... .I just knew that is how I would describe my daily life recently.
How old is your child?

[ArleighBurke]

Married 17yrs. 3 kids (13, 10, 7). Known BPD for the past 4yrs but officially undiagnosed. She's high functioning. I left her 12 months ago (almost to the day) for a week but came back to give it one last try. I had a few conditions coming back (we socialise more, she change psychs and she give me more loving attention). I'd say she achieved 0.5 out of 3.

6 days ago she had a crap day at work, lashed out at me when i thought i was helping and self harmed again (not a suicide attempt or an attention attempt - but it still threw me). I just realised that things will never change and i deserve better.

[Adastra]

Just chiming in to empathize and let you know that I have been in your place. It's so easy to slip into "but this is ok, we can make this work" during the normal periods. Especially when there are children involved, as there are in my situation. It got to the point for me where I could no longer relax during those periods, though - I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I was finally honest with myself about how emotionally abusive my relationship had become. It's NOT okay. We broke up a month ago, and it's been very hard - but also a huge relief. While my heart breaks for the dreams I've had to let go of - particularly of having a happy, intact family unit for my two small children - there are more times where I truly feel freedom from the emotional oppression and anxiety.

[ArleighBurke]

Thanks.  I keep having doubts but the emotional despair i feel whenever i talk about it just reassures me that this is the right decision. It's still a HARD decision.

[ArleighBurke]

Sometimes i look at my father and mother.  She's opinionated and demanding and runs the relationship. I am sure he broke and checked out years ago. He is just a shell. I've tried having deep conversations with him a few times but they never work.  Tonight I've just spent 30mins crying telling him i'm going to leave my wife - he had some nice words to reassure me but not a hug or hand on my shoulder even. I do not want to turn out like him - he's like a ghost.

[BeagleGirl]

You are going through a heart breaking time.  Though your dad wasn't able to provide the level of comfort that you wanted at the time, I'm glad to hear that you were able to share with him.  It's possible that he may need some time to process what you have told him and will be able to become a solid support for you.  I'll be praying that is the case.

One bit of opinion/advice - While you are mentally and emotionally dealing with what a permanent separation/divorce would mean for you, it might be helpful to take action in smaller steps.  For example, separation vs filing for divorce.  One of the struggles we face with our BPD spouses is the drastic swings and black and white thinking.  If "stay married forever" and "divorce ASAP" are your two options, it can feel impossible to live with either decision long enough to make it happen. 

I have found it helpful to set intermediate milestones like "I will stay and take these actions (creating boundaries, researching this disorder, self-care) for 1 month and then reevaluate" or "I am moving out and requesting/enforcing 1 month of no/minimal contact so I can be in a better mental state to reevaluate".  I'm also learning to take responsibility and ownership of my situation, even when I can't control the circumstances.  I waited for almost a year to go through with the separation in hopes that my husband would agree to it and work with me on it.  His willingness was a circumstance I could not impact, but living with him was a situation that I could.  You can't control when the "good times" and "bad times" occur, but you can choose what to do during those times.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AB, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  What I would like to say is that many of us, including me, have been down this path before you.  I understand the pressure you are under and that having kids makes your decision that much tougher (I have kids, too).  I reached a point where I didn't want to stay and didn't want to leave, because both options looked grim to me.  I concur with BeagleGirl that it might help to break things down into small, manageable steps.  Perhaps you could spend a few days on your own away visiting family or friends?  Perhaps you could reach out to a close friend, family member, therapist or other ally to share your concerns?  Sometimes its tough to think clearly while in midst of the BPD whirlwind.

LuckyJim

[Quiet Penguin]

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I feel your pain and frustration (23 years married). There have been several times in the recent years when I have made the same decision. The main reason I have for staying is that my children (4 boys) would be left to deal with my wife and the BPD without a buffer. I know that what you are going through is painful and seems endless. Thankfully we are currently living in a time when verbal and emotional abuse is recognized and you have a chance to protect your children from it as well.

The first book I read was The Verbally Abusive Relationship which my wife fit the majority of the criteria as well. Next was Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage and I only recently read Stop Walking On Eggshells (Mason, Kreger) and my understanding increased dramatically. Thankfully my wife has responded to the boundaries and things have improved. Still not perfect by any means, but better.

My children understand how their mother is as we have conversations about it and in a way it keeps us all sane and grounded. I also have conversations with them on logic, common sense and applying that logic to their thought processes. I wish you and your family the best in what you are going through and that everything will turn out well for you.

[Inneedofhelp]

@Adastra
Did you have the rage/threats from your partner? How did you finally make the break? I know how difficult it is with children -I think they are the reason I ha e endured the abuse for so long. Now breaking free has become a really difficult deal. I am ready, but he keeps trying to control and threaten.

[hope2727]

So sorry you are suffering. This web site helped me a great deal. You are stronger than you know.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

[ArleighBurke]

I am with my parents at the moment - a week in another state (with 2 of my 3 kids - no wife).

After talking with my dad last night, I woke this morning feeling a lot better. Had a relaxed easy day with the kids. But my daughter wanted to call mum at 3pm and suddenly I'm all figdety and on edge. I know I need to call my wife (the expectation is we talk daily) and I am so nervous.

How do I make the decision to leave? How do I decide to throw 5 lives into turmoil? I know all the good in the relationship, but I also know all the bad. I nkow I *should* leave. But why can't I make that decision?

Am I ready? Should I stay and continue to try to make thigns work? I KNOW that it won't - we've tried and tried. When do I say "enough is enough"? HAVE I done all I can?

Is this decision a milestone? A thing I need to "accomplish" to prove that I am taking myself seriously? If I DON'T leave now, I will stay miserable for how much longer before I am at this point again? When I left a year ago, if I stayed away I would be through this already!

I know no-one else can help me - this needs to be MY decision - but it feels like the fate of the world is in my hands. I don't know what I'm waiting for... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AB, I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself in a quandary, unsure of what to do.  That's OK!  Go easy on yourself.  When it's time to leave, I suspect you'll know it.  I suggest you get quiet and listen carefully to your gut feelings.  What does your head say?  What does your heart say?  What does your gut tell you?  You get the idea.  LJ

[ArleighBurke]

Night 1: spoke to my dad about wanting to break up and cried lots.
Night 2: spoke to her best friend and said i was going to break up. Bawled my eyes out.
Night 3: Told my brother and his wife - I was calm.
Day 4: Spent the day very relaxed - almost happy - free.
Night 4: Told my wife that it was over. Very calm and detached. I guess I'm ready.

She didn't like me breaking up (of course). Told me I was wrong. Told me that I ruined her life and broke up the family. Told me "she didn't understand" and that I was selfish. I *do* feel sad for the situation, but I also feel like it's the right choice. I know it'll be sh1tty for a while now - sorting out custody, finances, everything else. But hopefully in time things will be calm.

[Grey Kitty]

  Tough times. Tough choices. Try to be gentle with yourself, and take care of yourself... .and trust that your gut, your emotions will continue to tell you to do the right thing. (Whether that is keep on going toward divorce or one more try.)

She didn't like me breaking up (of course). Told me I was wrong. Told me that I ruined her life and broke up the family. Told me "she didn't understand" and that I was selfish.

And I gotta guess that this sounds very much like the verbal abuse you've received which drove you to the decision... .

If she could sincerely ask "What can I do to make you want to stay?" that would give you a lot more of a chance, wouldn't it.

Last question: Do you expect her to turn this into a high conflict divorce, or do you think she will more-or-less let you go peacefully?

[ArleighBurke]

Not sure about high conflict. We have 3 kids in the mix - so there will be a lot of her trying to "keep control" of them, and possibly me. We both want the kids to stay living in the 1 house (with me visiting them there when she isn't home), but I think that'll only work for the short term - eventually we'll have 2 homes.

If it gets to be a problem - then formal arrangements will need to be drafted I havn't even thought about finances - that'll be ages to sort out. She's high functioning so I don't think she'll blow $10k (she hasn;t shown any signs in the last 17 yrs... .)

I don't think there is anything she could offer for me to stay. She had the chance a year ago when I left.

[Inneedofhelp]

Sounds difficult but that you have made a significant step towards a healthier life. I am sure you are so sad, but is there a sense of calm/relief as well?
I am in those final stages-know there is no hope of continuing the marriage, and ready to completely separate lives, but he won't let go and keeps pushing me to take more drastic measures for physical separation. I have heard those same things you stated-that I ruined his life, that this (not all of the conflict and his irrational behaviors) will affect our children. Even though I know I am making steps toward more healthy living for me and the kids, it still hurts when he says those things.

[ArleighBurke]

There is always a grain of truth in what they say. yes I HAVE made our lives more complicated. Yes I AM being selfish - but I think the long term balance will be good for me and the kids (but probably not her).

I do feel a freedom already. Like a weight is lifted. I can see the crappy times ahead that I need to get through, and am aware of the pain I've caused, but I also get a sense of what is beyond that.

I just told my 13yr old son. *That* was difficult. We cried together and then what... .? I have no idea how to handle it. Tomorrow I will need to tell my 2 younger daughters.

I hope so much this is the right thing. I will never forgive myself if I realise in 12 months that I was wrong... .

[DearHusband]

Night 1: spoke to my dad about wanting to break up and cried lots.
Night 2: spoke to her best friend and said i was going to break up. Bawled my eyes out.
Night 3: Told my brother and his wife - I was calm.
Day 4: Spent the day very relaxed - almost happy - free.
Night 4: Told my wife that it was over. Very calm and detached. I guess I'm ready.

Curious as to why you talked to her best friend. You even did it before you talked to her, so it seems like there was a high probability of your wife finding out. How did that help you?

[ArleighBurke]

Talked to her best friend first because after LAST time i separated (12 months ago) she said if i ever did it again i had to talk to her first so she could support my wife through it.

It was also my first real commitment to leaving. Although i had told my best friend and counsellor and parents i was going to, i could back out of all that. But telling her friend was a lot harder to back out of (although i kind of still could). Telling the friend was the point i knew it was happenning.

[ArleighBurke]

I had a great day today with the kids at the beach. My wife hates the beach. If she came she'd be complaining the whole time. If she didn't come i'd get a guilt trip about how left out she was, how long i took , how i didn't care about her etc. None of that on me today! No pressure. No worry. Wow!

[Grey Kitty]

There is always a grain of truth in what they say. yes I HAVE made our lives more complicated. Yes I AM being selfish

Being selfish is "bad". Taking care of yourself, preventing yourself from being abused is "good". I do think it is healthier to accept the label of being selfish if it is thrown at you, instead of fighting it... .

I think a true definition of being selfish is looking out for your own interest at the expense of others. And not caring what it does to them, if you even notice. Especially doing it when you don't need to. <cough> Which is exactly what she's done to you for your marriage, and is unwilling to stop doing, including the accusations that you are being selfish.

Sometimes life comes down to a zero sum game, where one of you gets what you want and the other doesn't, and there is no way around it. With her demands on you, it seems to be there today, and you don't seem to have another round of being a martyr in you.

but I think the long term balance will be good for me and the kids (but probably not her).

I expect you are right about yourself and the kids.

As for her, I think it has a chance of being good or better for her, but is more likely to stay about the same. If you believe that her way of living/coping by verbally abusing you is "good", then you could say that taking it away from her is "bad". I don't believe that though--I believe that the pattern of abuse between the two of you is unhealthy for BOTH of you. So if you remove yourself as a target, you are giving her a rare opportunity to find a different and better approach.

She might take it and make her life better. She might find a replacement, and go back for more of the same.

Either way, as you navigate the separation and coparenting with her, you will need all your boundary enforcement skills as much now as you ever did. I wish you peace and strength.