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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Another HUGE Blowup - Can't Live Like This :(  (Read 521 times)
WitzEndWife
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« on: April 20, 2017, 04:37:20 PM »

I thought we were in for a over a month of relief, since my parents have been the triggers, and have decided to go stay with my sister for a bit. Yet, every day I've dealt with some form of complaining about them. Last night, I came home from work, and H was finishing up making dinner. Everything was fine, but he kept typing on his phone, and then said, "Ugh, your mom and sister! They're SO uptight!" I took the advice of some of the folks here, and removed myself by going downstairs to get away from the complaining. While I was down there, I decided to check Facebook - where I suspected the issue was occurring.

H had posted an image of the thermostat, showing 84 degrees F, onto my mother's Facebook timeline, stating that there was a "new rule" that the thermostat would remain off between the temperatures of 60 and 90 degrees F. My mother responded, saying that she had her antique piano and artwork in the house, and would like the temperature cap to remain at 78 degrees. My sister chimed in, calling him "rude" and saying that it wasn't his house and he didn't have a right to make "rules." That led to H making fun of both of them, telling them to "lighten up." Of course, this was upsetting to both.

My mother sent me a text message, panicking, imploring me to make sure that the temperature was regulated. Of course, there I was, stuck in the middle, again.

H eventually came down, and started getting angry with me for being upset. Name-calling started, and things escalated. Then he said "F__ this, I'm getting out of here! I can't deal with you uptight people anymore!" I said, "It's not about being uptight, it's about deserving respect!" and he said, "F__ you! I don't respect you, and I don't respect your parents!" and that's where I lost it, screaming my head off at him.

I told him that love and respect went hand-in-hand, and that, if he didn't respect me, then he shouldn't be married to me. He claimed that he was going to eat his dinner, then leave. Of course, that was a fake-out. He sat down to eat his dinner, and then he called his mother. I ran into my parents' vacant bedroom and locked the door because I didn't want his mother to be involved in our drama.

I could hear him talking to her and intermittently admitting fault and screaming (she's pretty reasonable and he listens to her, most of the time). He kept trying to get me to come out of the bedroom, but I wouldn't.

Finally, about an hour later, after he'd ended his phone call, he persistently knocked on the door, and I finally opened it. He did his "pitiful" act, where he whimpered and asked me if I wanted to end it. I told him that I wasn't sure what to do, that my values were being violated. I wanted to have a happy, cohesive family, where everyone treated everyone with respect and kindness. He said that he didn't believe in being "fake." I said, "There's a difference between being fake and not saying things that hurt the feelings of others." He said, "When someone gets upset about every little thing I say, how am I supposed to know when it's going to hurt someone?" I realize that this is a difficult thing for BPDs to determine. I said, "Some opinions are just better left to ourselves."

As he wound down from his dysregulation, he cycled between tearful self-loathing, and reasonable conversation, swearing that he would get a job to help us to get into an apartment. I eventually retired to bed, exhausted and drained. He followed, mentioning that he was going to send a letter to my parents. He stayed up late typing it up in bed.

The next morning, my mother emailed me to say that he'd sent her a letter that was full of apologies, explanations, and thinly veiled recriminations (hallmarks of BPD). She thinks it's best that we find an apartment. I'm financially in the hole right now, I work full-time, and I feel as though I'm never going to get out of it. I'm paying out of pocket for his Skype therapy, which is very expensive, but it was the ONLY way I could get him to see a therapist back when he was spending every day locked in the bedroom.

He says that he will do his best to look for work, but I've heard this before, so I don't know what to expect. I told him that I felt like I was in between a rock and a hard place, because I couldn't afford to move into a new place, but that these blow-ups were making me miserable.

In reality-land, I know that moving out will not make him better, BUT it will distract him for a little while. Furthermore, it will make it easier for me to leave or separate from him, if I have a place to go that is not my home. So, if we lived in an apartment, I could go stay with my parents if things got bad or I needed space. But, like I said, it's putting me in a bad place financially, and he has expensive taste when it comes to food, cars and cycling.

I feel like I don't know which end is up right now. I feel alienated from my family because of him, I feel financially strained, I feel exhausted from emotional distress and lack of sleep. I feel paralyzed from the trauma and stress of being in this situation, but I don't know of the right way out.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tattered Heart
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« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2017, 08:25:33 AM »

I'm so sorry that this happened. It sounds very emotionally tiring. Although it's difficult, it may be better for you guys to move out of your parents house. It has been a huge source of conflict and I can definitely see how it would cause feelings of alienation from family. To preserve that relationship, it may be the best thing. They have been very kind in helping you guys, but they also have to set their own boundaries too, even if that is hard to accept.

I hope that you can find a place that is affordable and safe. Perhaps you guys getting your own place will cause him to have to find a job. Maybe he will begin to feel a sense of obligation to provide a little more. It may also make him feel a little better about himself if he has his own place. It may not fix things, but it could be a move in the right direction.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

flourdust
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Relationship status: In the process of divorce after 12 year marriage
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« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2017, 09:15:57 AM »

Now that you've had a little time to absorb this shock, what kind of decision are you wrestling with?

Try to persuade your parents to give him another chance? And try to persuade your husband ... .or give him an ultimatum ... .to behave like a decent guest? (Enormous, possibly unachievable challenge, but saves money and potentially repairs relationships.)

Move out with your husband? (Makes your husband happy, may salvage relationship with your family, big financial hit, might not do anything to improve your marriage relationship, teaches him that he can misbehave outrageously and get what he wants.)

Stay with your parents and kick your husband out? (Saves money if you don't get him a place but make him find his own housing and source of income, but certainly not repairing to the relationship, may repair your relationship with family, may provide some needed space from your husband while he hopefully tries to get to a more stable state.)
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2017, 10:57:24 AM »

Now that you've had a little time to absorb this shock, what kind of decision are you wrestling with?

Try to persuade your parents to give him another chance? And try to persuade your husband ... .or give him an ultimatum ... .to behave like a decent guest? (Enormous, possibly unachievable challenge, but saves money and potentially repairs relationships.)

I don't know if that is going to be possible at this point. My parents have been pretty tortured by him. I think the relationship is too far gone at this point. It's also their house and they need to set boundaries. I brought this nightmare upon them, so I need to leave to make it right.


Move out with your husband? (Makes your husband happy, may salvage relationship with your family, big financial hit, might not do anything to improve your marriage relationship, teaches him that he can misbehave outrageously and get what he wants.)

My therapist advises against this because of my boundary-setting. However, I don't think we have much of a choice at this moment. As always, I will be the one who suffers. But at least my parents won't suffer too.

Stay with your parents and kick your husband out? (Saves money if you don't get him a place but make him find his own housing and source of income, but certainly not repairing to the relationship, may repair your relationship with family, may provide some needed space from your husband while he hopefully tries to get to a more stable state.)

He currently is awaiting his visa, so he cannot leave the country. With no job and no income, I'd basically be forcing him out on the street, or back to his home country to live with his mother, and he could never come back here. So, that would mean that the relationship would be essentially done. It also seems unnecessarily cruel to me to throw someone out with no support who is mentally ill. So, there's the rub.

I basically feel like I have no real choice but to suffer financially. I have imposed upon him the responsibility of helping with the bills, but we'll see if he follows through on getting a job. The next few weeks are crucial here.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
flourdust
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« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2017, 11:16:32 AM »

I hope you can see that you do have choices. If forcing him to leave the country means that he never comes back, and that your relationship ends ... .that's a choice you could make. It might even be the one you decide you want.

It's also possible that you are catastrophizing a bit. You could force him out of the house and give him enough money for temp housing for a month or two to get a job and get on his feet. Hand control over his future back to him instead of assuming that it's all your responsibility.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2017, 11:33:17 AM »

He currently is awaiting his visa, so he cannot leave the country. With no job and no income, I'd basically be forcing him out on the street, or back to his home country to live with his mother, and he could never come back here. So, that would mean that the relationship would be essentially done. It also seems unnecessarily cruel to me to throw someone out with no support who is mentally ill. So, there's the rub.

I basically feel like I have no real choice but to suffer financially. I have imposed upon him the responsibility of helping with the bills, but we'll see if he follows through on getting a job. The next few weeks are crucial here.

There's an example where somebody takes a hostage and threatens to shoot the hostage if you don't do what they want. Only the hostage and the shooter are the same person.

That's pretty close to where you are.

Your H seems unwilling or unable to support himself or contribute in meaningful ways to the household, at least on a financial basis.

Let me ask you a question: When do you expect him to get his visa, and are you willing to kick him out once he gets the visa? At that point, he would still be out on the street needing to support himself, most likely to run home to have his mother support him in another country, but at least he would have the option of returning if he wanted to.

If you aren't willing to do that, are you willing to support him financially for the rest of your life?
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2017, 10:53:41 AM »

There's an example where somebody takes a hostage and threatens to shoot the hostage if you don't do what they want. Only the hostage and the shooter are the same person.

That's pretty close to where you are.

Your H seems unwilling or unable to support himself or contribute in meaningful ways to the household, at least on a financial basis.

Let me ask you a question: When do you expect him to get his visa, and are you willing to kick him out once he gets the visa? At that point, he would still be out on the street needing to support himself, most likely to run home to have his mother support him in another country, but at least he would have the option of returning if he wanted to.

If you aren't willing to do that, are you willing to support him financially for the rest of your life?

I am most definitely unwilling to support him financially for the rest of my life, so, yes, I would be willing to kick him out once he got his visa. There is no telling WHEN he will get it. We have been waiting for nearly one year, and still have not received approval. But, yes, at that point, if he had not done anything (enrolled in real estate classes, or gotten a job), I would kick him out until he could support himself.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
isilme
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« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2017, 01:51:51 PM »

I'd say the relationship with your parents is the one that can best be helped right now.  Maybe giving them a date by when you CAN move out would be something you CAN do as a deadline for your H to shape up and show attempts for gainful employment or self-improvement (certification classes for employment?).  Like June 1st?  July 1st?  That would show your parents you are taking their request to heart, and know that this has been hard on them and that they have gone above and beyond what many could or would do in this situation.  It also gives your H a shape up or ship out deadline.  He's been coasting on some sort of "I can waffle forever" mindset, and can probably go forever in this state.  He has assigned your parents to be the enemy, and you sometimes as the enemy, to suit his needs.  But he needs you so he will push and pull you as he can - he can attack them over and over to his heart's content with (so far) no repercussions.  He needs to know he has finally crossed a VERY graciously drawn line, and you are both having to leave, and he needs to have A JOB of any kind - grocery bagger, whatever, that pays an amount you feel is reasonable to start by the deadline.  OR, you will consider leaving him high and dry.  We've been talking for quite a few months now about how he's been willing to take advantage of their house and home and compassion and returned it with insults and ingratitude.  Depression we all understand, but this is past "just" serious depression. 

It took a few cusp events in our lives to get H past his lethargy and apathy about taking responsibility for anything.  We had to move out from a shared apartment with his little brother and get his parents to stop paying some of our bills since I'd started working and had graduated school.  People had to comment on him not working and being home all day while I busted my butt to make him motivated to do something, finally.  His first foray into working only brought in about $350 a month, but that was a hell of a lot better than $0.  And it made him willing to go for a FT job, and later 2 others with better pay and more responsibilities.  It took me almost leaving him for him to decide to buckle down and work to make me stay.  It was not a game, I was really about to leave.  I gave myself a 2-month deadline to make my decision one January and was going to decide by my March birthday.  BY that time, he'd outdone himself.  OUtburts still happen.  Obviously, it's forever a work in progress, but he sees most of the time that HE has to work as well as me for us to "get ahead" in any way.  So I know it's possible, but the right combination of your resolve and your H admitting HE needs to WORK on something in your marriage has to happen.  He needs to see he's close to losing it all and either being alone with a Visa or sent home without if he does not get his act in line.  Not a ultimatum - just a fact.  Not meant to manipulate, but to motivate. 

Can he legally work with his current status? 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2017, 05:58:57 PM »

I am most definitely unwilling to support him financially for the rest of my life, so, yes, I would be willing to kick him out once he got his visa. There is no telling WHEN he will get it. We have been waiting for nearly one year, and still have not received approval.

How long are you willing to support him while you wait?

And under what conditions?
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2017, 10:06:28 AM »

How long are you willing to support him while you wait?

And under what conditions?

I'm willing to support him as long as he goes to school, and works toward his career, and continues therapy. I'm willing to support him if he learns how to control his behavior and works to deal with his continuous rage. I DO think that having a career and a home WILL help dissipate some of his rage and power struggle issues. He feels inferior because he doesn't have a job, and he resents everyone else because of it. So, if he could just go on and work, he wouldn't have that to feel bad about. In theory, I guess.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
WitzEndWife
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« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2017, 10:09:14 AM »

Can he legally work with his current status? 

He can legally work, and working, either toward a career or working to help pay the bills, will be imperative to us getting out of my parents' home. I'm willing to struggle a bit as long as he keeps working. But I won't hesitate to kick him out if he does not contribute to that home. I am prepared to have a very serious talk with him about that. Not as a threat, but I need to get very clear on those boundaries.
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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