How do I help my significant other who is estranged from his BPD wife?

[bitty2364]

The situation I'm finding myself in is so messed up that I don't even know where to begin, but here goes:

I'm seeing a man who is estranged from his wife who has borderline personality disorder.  He has been married to her for 26 years that have been filled with abuse from the start. I was married to a man who emotionally and physically abused me for 23 yrs before I said enough is enough and finally divorced him.  So here we are, two people who have experienced significant trauma in our lives... .trying to make a go of it.

I feel like I'm caught on a merry-go-round because his estranged wife is very good at reeling him back in and then chewing him up.  He is currently on his third attempt at getting out and staying out.  I see him taking baby steps in the right direction but it's a constant battle for him.  He's  battling between his feelings of guilt for not staying to help her and his desire to move forward and try to build a new life with me.  She has him on a roller coaster of promises to go to therapy and then refusing to go; one day she will tell him she just wants one last normal weekend with their son when he is home from college and then turn around and act as if nothing ever happened and she expects him to fall back into the same line he's walked for the last 26 years. She'll agree to divorce and then two days later act as if nothing was ever discussed. She'll call him in the middle of the night, saying she needs to talk to him right away but once he gets there, she's sound asleep.

Just to clarify: my SO has not told her that he's seeing someone else.  His son knows and his brothers know.  My guess is that she's aware that there may be someone else in his life but he hasn't come right out and told her. His counselor told him not to tell her.

Because of all this drama, my relationship with my SO has been a roller coaster ride too.  We break up because of her and then we get back together because the tie between us is so strong.  In the interest of full disclosure, my SO and I met while we were both married and living under the same roofs as our spouses. If my SO hadn't been in my life, I don't think I would have had the strength to leave my abusive marriage.  He has shown me that there really are gentle, caring, loving men in this world. So please: don't judge me on this point.  I don't need people weighing in on the moral issues of having an affair, I need advice on how to help someone very important to me.

How do I support him in the healing process and the process of trying to split from his wife?  I'm catching myself projecting my experience on to him even when I know that they are kind of different.  Everyone's journey on this path is different.
Am I foolish to think I can help him?  He is in counseling and like I said, I see baby steps of improvement but is my presence in his life more of a hindrance in this situation?

I need help and don't know where else to turn.

[Panda39]

Hi bitty2364,

I'm glad you found us and decided to share your story 

I met my SO (significant other) when he was separated and in the process of divorcing his uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and I had been divorced a year from my alcoholic husband about a year... .so yes, co-dependent meet co-dependent. 

At the time neither of us had ever heard of BPD, his ex had been diagnosed with anxiety and bi-polar disorder.  My SO was very honest about his ex but at the time I didn't fully understand the serious issues the ex had.  The longer we were together the more I saw and the angrier I became. (When I arrived here I was one angry lady... .I'm much more mellow now  )

I was witnessing the dysfunctional dance they had done during their marriage and now during their divorce.  I was also witnessing some classic BPD behaviors and classic reactions to that behavior by my nonBPD SO.

If you read the stories of our members on these boards you will probably recognize a lot of their stories in your own story and situation.  It was a surprise and a relief to me when I arrived here that so many others had to deal with the same chaos.

How did we find out about BPD?  I googled "Chronic Lying" and there it was... .an accurate description of his ex. 

The first thing I did and I suggest to you is read everything you can about BPD.  I read everything in my entire library system they had on it and bought a couple of books too.  It helped me get a good idea of what BPD was, why some people develop it (nature & nurture play a part), what is behind the behaviors (the big driver is fear of abandonment), what are the behaviors or Mental Health Criteria that determine if someone has BPD or BPD traits etc... .I also found it helpful to read different books on the same topic because you get slightly different points of view or one author might explain something in a way that makes sense to you while another author's description of the same thing isn't clear.  So educate yourself on BPD and you can help educate your BF (Boyfriend).  We have a whole board here dedicated to book reviews that you can check out, but I'll give you three that I liked.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by: Paul Mason Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by:Valerie Porr, M.A.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by: Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger (This one will help during his divorce)

I also want to share information on FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  My SO was living in the FOG when I first met him his ex used their children as the tool to create FOG. FOG is used by the person with BPD to control others.  She used the fear of taking his children from him, the obligation to his children, and created guilt about his parenting to control him, keep him engaged with her (because negative engagement is still engagement... .remember it's about not abandoning her).  It sounds like your BF is living in the FOG too or at the very least keeps getting sucked in over and over again.  Below is a link to more info on FOG... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Helping him find his way out of the FOG so he can see things clearly will be helpful.  Just know that you can bring the horse to water but you can't make him drink.  You can not make your SO do something he isn't ready to do or doesn't want to do.  You can't fix him, he has to want to fix himself and improve the situation, you can't do it for him. 

This is where you need to take care of you.  You are in a high stress, high drama relationship and in my opinion you need to pay attention to what you need and deserve from this relationship.  If your BF continues the same dance with the ex and seems unable to disengage, you might need to consider whether or not this is a good situation for you.

There is a lot going on in your story and I've only touched on some of it.  I know some of the other members will be along to welcome you and say more.

Again Welcome 

Panda39

[gotbushels]

Hi bitty2364 

I join Panda39 in welcoming you here.   

Well done finding someone to be in a relationship with, I'm sure the two of you can relate, having an abusive partner each. It's not easy to get through a relationship with an abusive partner, and you'll find a lot of us have gone through similar things here. Many things--others will struggle to understand them.

I feel like I'm caught on a merry-go-round because his estranged wife is very good at reeling him back in and then chewing him up. 

Being involved with someone having difficulty being separate from an abusive partner is difficult. It's hard because they're trying to not get tangled, and you provide some comfort from that. But there's a risk of getting tangled too.

She'll agree to divorce and then two days later act as if nothing was ever discussed.

It's common for people undergoing constant emotional stress to forget things. Sometimes—the things we think are less forgettable, become more forgettable to these people because of the way unpleasant feelings are attached to these things.

She'll call him in the middle of the night, saying she needs to talk to him right away but once he gets there, she's sound asleep.

I've received this behaviour too. It's difficult because it this has been a pattern that's been built up over the relationship, then it's going to take extra effort to change it.

How do I support him in the healing process and the process of trying to split from his wife?  I'm catching myself projecting my experience on to him even when I know that they are kind of different.  Everyone's journey on this path is different.

Well observed. I do find this is similar to my relationships after the one with the person with BPD traits. I found I want to help, but there are so many colours of abuse that it doesn't feel effective to "therapy" this person—sometimes. Is this similar to what you feel?

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by: Paul Mason Randi Kreger

I support this book recommendation by Panda39. I found it very helpful. It's really consistent with her message that "This is where you need to take care of you." My thoughts on this is to look at making sure the ducks you want are in order before looking at sorting out other peoples' ducks. It's hard and it takes time, but it's very worth it.

I think the immediate value for you from looking whether it makes sense to help him, and whether you're a distraction from his issues is this. From things like Kreger's work—you'll find you're more able to see the dynamics between your partner and his ex. Then you can choose what's most effective instead of getting into their battle with them. It wasn't your job to save your abusive partner—and while this new partner isn't abusive—it might not be your job to save him either. So where does that leave us? 

I look forward to see how this develops for you.

[bitty2364]

Thank you both for responding.  I appreciate your advice and can't wait to begin reading the books that you have suggested. My SO stopped by today and so I shared this site with him; he immediately sat down and began to read the links about FOG. It's a comfort to both of us to know that there are resources out there and that we don't have to try to navigate this path by ourselves.  The information we're finding here will help frame how we respond to difficult situations moving forward.

We'll keep you posted and thanks again!

[Panda39]

Hi bitty2364,
 
So glad to hear you shared the site with your SO because a lot of the work will be really his to do. My SO is also a member here and it has been really helpful for us to speak the same language and work on strategies when dealing with his uBPDxw.  I hope both you and he will explore the website, read posts, ask questions, and learn some new skills and strategies that help in your situation.

Panda39

[gotbushels]

bitty2364 I do hope you'll share how things between the two of you progress. Having two nons working together about how to manage away undesirable behaviours from people with BPD traits will be rewarding.

The information we're finding here will help frame how we respond to difficult situations moving forward.

Yes!

Do keep us posted.  

You're not on this path by yourselves. It's been some time since many of us here stepped out of our relationships with a upwBPD; so if you're looking at this disengaged perspective—you'll get a lot of understanding here. A lot of things translate well into the non-BPD world, e.g., avoiding the pathological helping that caused so many of us to fall into these things—lots to look forward to.  

[livednlearned]

Hi bitty2364,

Welcome and hello 

I think all roads come back to this:

Because of all this drama, my relationship with my SO has been a roller coaster ride too.  We break up because of her and then we get back together because the tie between us is so strong. 

The gravitational pull of BPD pain and suffering is immense and it sounds like you have been dragged through the churn. You probably know this but we cannot really help someone when we are kicked down ourselves. The key is to make sure you protect your emotional health so you can be of help to loved ones like your SO who need you.

As difficult (often confusing) as it may be, you will probably have to sort through what is and is not ok, based on your values. These values will be rooted in what does and does not feel good, or impedes your own healing and equilibrium in some way. Hopefully, you can do this in a way where things are clear enough to both of you so that the relationship isn't caught in a cycle of being on again and off again, which must be stressful to both of you.

In practice, this might mean you ask him to turn his phone off at 9pm when he is with you. Or, you might tell him you will no longer be his sounding board for his wife's crises and going forward, you will refuse to engage conversations in which he is trying to solve something to do with her. These are just suggestions, you may have other things that are important to you and can be couched in boundaries that you can assert.

Boundaries are based on things over which you have control, so to assert them you must be prepared to uphold them for yourself. This is usually the part we most dislike. It is much easier, altho frustrating, to tell someone else what they must do. However, that rarely if ever works in high-conflict relationships and only makes us feel powerless.

If we want to have relationships with difficult people, or people in difficult relationships, then we have to have boundaries we can assert in order to protect ourselves from being emotionally injured.

My ex was abusive (n/BPD, alcoholic, bipolar, blah blah blah) and my current SO's ex is uBPD. He has a uBPD/bipolar daughter and a strong codependent streak of rescuing and fixing. Being in these drama triangles can bring about catastrophic levels of exhaustion.

What I have learned is that the best way to teach someone about healthy boundaries is to have them yourself.

Your SO can learn what that looks like from you.