So today I recieved fb message from my ex uBPDgf

[No1important]

About 4 months with replacement but she contacted me.  So today I recieved fb message from my ex uBPDgf:" Hi, I know that you don't want to talk but this is important. Have you sent me a priority letter recently?". I replied with simple "No, I haven't." and then she replied "Ok, thanks.". I did what I think is right, replied without any interest in her. I just dont't know if that was recycle attempt or what the heck. NC is broken, I dont care I'm moving on but still a bit curious about your thoughts on this. Is it so hard to simply check who is the letter from instead of disturbing my peace?

[g2outfitter]

It's a fishing expedition... .she wants to make sure you are still around.  She may have thoughts of a re-cycle but their thoughts are usually always "at that moment".  Yes, of course she can open the letter without getting in touch with you.

[Skip]

Is it so hard to simply check who is the letter from instead of disturbing my peace?

She might not want to sign for it... .you don't know.

Given that her request was so narrow, I would be inclined to believe it was simply an info request. If she was probing, she most likely would have cracked the door open a little more.

She is not in the same emotional state as you... .the call was not a "loaded" to her as you.

If anything, its a sign that she doesn't have a lot of animosity right now.

[No1important]

It crossed my mind Skip.  But still she could check and then return it to the sender or something. What she did for sure is that she broke my request of NC,. And why the hell would I send her something, if I'm not even trying to do anything with her. I mean, why the thought about me in the first place?

[Tottie]

Probably a fantasy story to get attention, she comes with a story to trigger your curiousity. Best reply is to ignore her question and block her. Now you are wondering, thinking etc. Try to block every piece of information from her. No  contact is no information.

[Pretty Woman]

No1, I have to agree with you here. While we do not know her motives for sure, I too experienced the phishing expedition.

The longest break up my ex and I had before the final one was about 3mo. I had actually started seeing someone else whom I had known awhile.

One day at work I got an old email sent to me with a "?"

It was an email from two years prior.

I didn't respond for a whole day and she then sends, "Nevermind. I figured it out. Sorry to bother you".

I made the mistake of responding: No problem

And then it all began.

She tells me it looked like her email did some weird dump and sent this email out by accident.

My A_ _.  At the time I was still very much missing her and I wasn't as strong or as logical as I am now. She found out I was seeing someone. I made the mistake of meeting her secretly for drinks and she called the person I was dating and outed me resulting in my losing that person as a romantic interest and friend.

I ended up back with her again (my ex) but things were never the same. I had a lot of resentment towards her.

Total mistake. It is my fault I fell for it but I learned from the process.

Don't be hard on yourself, you responded. If she continues the dialogue it's your choice and fully yours to go NC or not. You sound like a strong person. I think if that is what you really want you will make it happen. I have full confidence in you!  

[Skip]

No1, I have to agree with you here. While we do not know her motives for sure, I too experienced the phishing expedition.

phishing is about identity theft.  

It crossed my mind Skip.  But still she could check and then return it to the sender or something.

We often overreact to these things. The most common reaction is to think that it was about us. This has more to do with our anxiety and emotional than our ex. We tend to get upset with contact, without contact, wrong contact, too little, too much, etc.

Here is some data:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=102678

What she did for sure is that she broke my request of NC,. And why the hell would I send her something, if I'm not even trying to do anything with her. I mean, why the thought about me in the first place?

Here is how I see it:

An attempt to rekindle the relationship (I think not)
Continuation of the breakup dispute (Clearly no)    
Looking for validation/redemption (No)
Keeping communication lines open (Maybe, if you receive a second communication in the next week)    
Necessary information exchange (Definitely)    

Where would you put this?

[Pretty Woman]

Skip, ha ha! We need to invent a new word because a Fishing Expedition sounds fun (and these situations are not) and Phishing... .well you are correct, Sir. Not the correct use of that word.

P Dubs

[No1important]

Ckecking If I respond, so rather lines of communication thing. But maybe it's because I don't see it as necessary info, and she does. So one of two last things.

[Skip]

We are all wound tighter than golf-ball after a relationship breakup - we will trigger on just about anything.

Our first tool at the top of the list above is WiseMind
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

You just responded in emotional mind. I countered you with logical mind. Try to balance the two and you will feel stronger. Strength is really what we need at times like this.

[No1important]

Thanks Skip. I know the idea of mindfulness and wise mind, I'm even trying to practice meditation. But when it comes to so much emotionally loaded topics like my ex (I miss her, and I know I made many mistakes, sometimes what ifs are coming to my mind) everything goes to hell. I caught myself on hoping that she wants something more than get info. Still can't imagine that asking about that letter was so important, that she broke NC. Am I triggered? Hell yeah. I have to deal with it I guess. Someone have written that I sound like a strong person. I usually do, but inside I'm so freaking weak, my god, you have no clue.

P.S. And I don't have balls to implement full NC like blocking her and stuff. I still hope that one day this wound will be healed and I'll be able to have some friends- colleagues oriented relation.

[roberto516]

Thanks Skip. I know the idea of mindfulness and wise mind, I'm even trying to practice meditation. But when it comes to so much emotionally loaded topics like my ex (I miss her, and I know I made many mistakes, sometimes what ifs are coming to my mind) everything goes to hell. I caught myself on hoping that she wants something more than get info. Still can't imagine that asking about that letter was so important, that she broke NC. Am I triggered? Hell yeah. I have to deal with it I guess. Someone have written that I sound like a strong person. I usually do, but inside I'm so freaking weak, my god, you have no clue.

Same thing my friend. A part of me would love to try one more time. But the logical part of my brain reminds me about it, and I realize that I deserve happiness. The triggers come. That's life I guess. But posting on this board talking about your insecurities makes you one of the strongest people in the world. "Normal" people don't talk about their emotions. If that is any solace. I know it is for me.

[No1important]

Same thing my friend. A part of me would love to try one more time. But the logical part of my brain reminds me about it, and I realize that I deserve happiness. The triggers come. That's life I guess. But posting on this board talking about your insecurities makes you one of the strongest people in the world. "Normal" people don't talk about their emotions. If that is any solace. I know it is for me.

Well, I'm trying to learn this stuff. Talking about emotions and so. I used to be the 'normal' person. Showing emotions was showing weakness for me. I played strong, while being weak inside. I'm aware that 26 years of living this way led me to some kind of PD aswell, and depression. And some other nasty thingies. (Probably NPD, but im not asking my T for diagnosis, I need to discover and name my bad sides myself, rather than labeling them.) And there is that question how much of that rs not working was because of myself and how much was cuz of her. I was walking on eggshells for sure, but recently I realized she was walking too.  And that hurts most, that instead of being the best for her (I really wanted I was doormat type, could sacrifice nearly everything for her.) I was a punk. Not always but I had my moments too.

[roberto516]

.  And that hurts most, that instead of being the best for her (I really wanted I was doormat type, could sacrifice nearly everything for her.) I was a punk. Not always but I had my moments too.

As did I I canceled plans with her family last minute once because I was upset. One valentine's day we fought and I left. I'm not excusing myself. But subconsciously I probably picked up on the fact that she only responded to anger. Calm, cool explanations of my emotions were met with "do you want to break up?" "Let's take a relationship break" and or she'd get defensive. We made it a norm to argue. I played a part.

But she knew that I'd come back and apoligize for feeling hurt. That's on me too. Had I put my foot down the second I saw she couldn't share healthy communication I should have left.

Noone is a saint in a relationship. The big thing is do both of you hear each other and try to grow from it. The few times she told me concerns I actively made an attempt to improve. Just little stuff. But it is what it is.

There's a book "psychopath free" and he has a quote about why we became angry mean people. And it has to do with us trying to make an impossible situation work after so much emotional abuse and being discarded like garbage. So it's okay. We have to forgive ourselves one day. Im working on it

[No1important]

I don't know how to forgive myself yet. I made a mistake. Many of them. How the hell would I forgive myself? Right now I feel like the worst garbage. Damn you perfectionism :x

But the mention about that book shed some light on myself. I was trying to live under pressure. Trying to avoid upsetting her by all means necessary. And this + my perfectionism made a deadly mixture I guess. I could forgive her, but myself? That was not an option. Untill recently I thought that perfectionism is a good thing. But it turns out that it becomes one's worst enemy. On one programming course (I started to learn web programming recently) man said "better done than perfect". Seems to be true.

[Skip]

There's a book "psychopath free" and he has a quote about why we became angry mean people. And it has to do with us trying to make an impossible situation work after so much emotional abuse and being discarded like garbage. So it's okay. We have to forgive ourselves one day. Im working on it

It's not about forgiving ourselves... .it's about a commitment to be a emotionally strong and stable partner in the next relationship.

Books like this get caught up in "Mikey mad me do it" and send you on into the world with tools to avoid bad relationship.

Does that work anywhere?

When you buy wine, is your focus on avoiding bad wine and forgiving yourself when you do?  When you play softball, is your focus on not being the worst player and forgiving yourself when you do?

To a smart man, failure breeds success. But only if that man own the failure and learns how to turn it around.

[roberto516]

It's not about forgiving ourselves... .it's about a commitment to be a emotionally strong and stable partner in the next relationship.

Books like this get caught up in "Mikey mad me do it" and send you on into the world with tools to avoid bad relationship.

Does that work anywhere?

When you buy wine, is your focus on avoiding bad wine and forgiving yourself when you do?  When you play softball, is your focus on not being the worst player and forgiving yourself when you do?

To a smart man, failure breeds success. But only if that man own the failure and learns how to turn it around.

Forgiving yourself is owning up to the failure. And only by forgiving myself can I be a better and stable person for myself. Not for the next relationship.

And that book helped me. It helped me see that I was powerless. It helped me understand. It helped me see how to learn to love myself again after the ego was completely shattered. And I accepted that. I'm not sure why we have to tell everyone how their recovery from this is supposed to look. And why there has to be a linear path that everyone must come to the realization at the same time.  

I apologize that my recovery has been getting steadily better as I remind myself not to beat myself up about the what if's and that it's okay that I made some mistakes. And that I am allowing myself to forgive myself.

[roberto516]

I don't know how to forgive myself yet. I made a mistake. Many of them. How the hell would I forgive myself? Right now I feel like the worst garbage. Damn you perfectionism :x

But the mention about that book shed some light on myself. I was trying to live under pressure. Trying to avoid upsetting her by all means necessary. And this + my perfectionism made a deadly mixture I guess. I could forgive her, but myself? That was not an option. Untill recently I thought that perfectionism is a good thing. But it turns out that it becomes one's worst enemy. On one programming course (I started to learn web programming recently) man said "better done than perfect". Seems to be true.

Right now you are at the extreme end of the spectrum (like I was). I took all the blame onto myself. At least that's what I hear you saying. Rightfully so, my friend predicted that I would then shift to blaming her for everything (which I did). Then I started to find the real balance. Which is a little from both spectrums.

This is just what I hear and I am thinking of when I was saying the same stuff you are. I struggled for so long thinking "I can do better! If she gives me a chance I'll show her I have learned. How could you not have seen how this would have led her to leaving you. If only... .if only... .if only" Deep down, for me, that was my ego. I didn't want to admit that it wasn't working. And that I was really mad at myself for having "fallen for it"/"not learning from past relationship mistakes". So that's all I got. Keep your head up. I was and will be feeling just like you again. I guarantee it. And that's okay.

[Skip]

Then I started to find the real balance. Which is a little from both spectrums.

Which is good. Finding the best characterization of what really happened is important to understanding it.

And that book helped me. It helped me see that I was powerless. It helped me understand. It helped me see how to learn to love myself again after the ego was completely shattered. And I accepted that.

Is this the balance?  If it is, I guess the question I would ask is "was your girlfriend a psychopath or sociopath?" What were you powerless to do? Change her?

I'm not suggesting you to answer these now... .its pretty early in your healing... .just file these questions away and maybe revisit them as you go along.

I think the essence of my post earlier is about the difference between getting knocked down and

~ being a victim ad focusing on wound care and getting back to normalcy.
   vs
~ jumping back up smarter, stronger, better prepared for a rewarding relationship

Certainly both of these are part of recovery and one precedes the other. A lot of Internet material focuses on the "victim" stuff and returning to where we were before we were victims. The second part (the growth) doesn't get the focus. We stop feeling bad, and we go out and re-live some of the same stuff.

So, going back to what you were saying... .what does it mean to love yourself? What are you forgiving yourself for?

[Rayban]

My personal experience is that I had fault with my own behaviour.  Could I have done things differently  ... .you better believe it. I poured fuel into useless arguments.  I broke up with her because of her behaviour, but I decided to go back  knowing nothing had changed.  I would apologize, but never got an apology from her.

In the end I realize No matter what I did it would never be enough. 

I'm no better then last guy, or the one after me. I accept that. I'm done torturing myself thinking ... .If only I was stronger, If only I was braver, If only ... .Nothing.  Many people have come in and out of her life.  We're they all to blame for not having the capacity to handle a BPD relationship? I believe that it's just a vicious cycle of her attracting people with their own issues ... .including myself, who will go along with the madness. A healthy person would bail when given reason to. I fooled myself thinking I just had to try harder. 

I'm working on how to avoid this type of relationship. I know up and until I don't resolve my own issues I'll just keep on attracting this type of person.

Make no mistake, BPD people are drawn to people with weak boundries like moths to a flame.  No use playing the blame game. I'm equally responsable for the failure of a relationship that I should have bailed on a long time ago, If I truly had my best interests at heart.