What have you lost because of your BPD ex?

[happendtome]

I was reading briefly "Family law... ." section and some threads seemed quite scary there. If you lose your home, job, family its horrible. Many of us here could feel fortunate enough compared to "them" on those sections.
Still, here we are with our own problems.
I dont think that i lost any money as my BPD ex was well established herself. Yes, i spent more than before, but i also did more (travel, hotels, eating). I was thinking of buying summer apartment though, but luckily she had "surprise" for me and she dumped me before. So i escaped that happiness.
What i did lose was my health and even as i dont feel now anyway sick then i know that health is something where early mistakes will pay you off sometimes later. When i was with her i picked up some strange issues in my body what i couldnt explain. After break up i had quite many (months) restless nights so i lost my sleep totally. Im glad i didnt start to drink. I did of course, but i dont think it was anything heavy. I realized soon that it would make my weak sleeping even worse.
Besides health i also lost my joy for doing anything and i didnt want to communicate with anyone. Im ok being alone, but still. I didnt want to put any effort to household jobs either and i became very practical.
What did you lose?

[artfuldodger]

My ability to trust people! That is one thing that hurts the most and I earnestly wish to regain. I know, it isn't going to be easy but now I think I am more than willing to get rid of the baggage my BPD Ex left me with. I have had enough and now if I don't help myself lead the life I deserve then it is as good as still living under the shadows of my Ex. I am not going to let that happen.

Also, a collateral damage which I consider positive is now I am no longer willing to put up with anyone or anything that is not up to the mark. Any partnership, this day onwards has to be on an equal footing. A healthy partnership on all account.

I have learnt my lesson, the hard way and am not going to let this experience go down the drain for nothing.

Hope, we'll all manage to cut our losses and move on towards a better happier life.

[happendtome]

Yes, that is very big thing you brought out. I have thought about this issue (trusting) lately and i may have problems here too. I have questioned few things and im not sure do i now see things what i should see (learned my lesson) or i may have paranoia. I havent been taking dating so seriously yet, but i have had some dates. Anyway, thats not my main focus at the moment, to find someone new.

[roberto516]

I've lost the feeling of uncertainty. I've lost the feeling of guilt associated with putting myself first as a means of self-care on certain days. I've lost that feeling of waiting to see if she would text me as I noticed she was becoming distant. I've lost the need to shave my face consistently as she always would tell me to do that.

I've lost the plans I had to save for the both of us so that I could treat her to an early retirement. I've lost the frustrations of not being able to have an adult, mature conversation with her as she would invariably ask "do you want to break up with me?" or ask to go on a break. I've lost the weight that has been on my shoulders for far too long.

[artfuldodger]

I havent been taking dating so seriously yet, but i have had some dates. Anyway, thats not my main focus at the moment, to find someone new.

I was with my BP Ex for 5 years and have struggled with the damage he caused me for 6.5 years. I lost more than a decade, almost 12 precious years of my life to this man! I let go of my dreams, my friends, my health, my emotional well being only to make this man secure and happy and when he left, he left me all empty and into pieces. I still tear up at the thought of the past 6 years of my life. While I was struggling to live and keep my sanity intact, he went onto have two kids.

Nobody should do what I did to myself. Time is precious, we are precious. I was weak and I wish, I had received help in time, I could have turned things around.

I keep reiterating in every post I write here, but it is true, for the first time in this past decade, I feel relieved and redeemed. I still end up weeping at times but now it is more about letting the pain go.

[PennyDreadful]

I was married for 20 years, so I lost literally everything, since he was the main breadwinner. I am struggling with being on foodstamps and medicaid for the first time ever in my life (he made good money). At 49, I have to reinvent my life from the ground up. When we got married, I was a strong woman, self sufficient and confident... .now I am far from that. I am still grieving the loss of my marriage and the realization that the man I married never really existed. He had a secret life of credit cards and online porn, spending thousands on that smut. The discovery portion of our divorce found so much of a sexual nature that I got tested for HIV and Hep C. He was an excellent actor, and hid that life very well.

I've gained a $20,000 lawyer bill because he was so combative. We had nothing to fight over except debt since our daughter is an adult. I drink too much and am constantly worried about money and life in general. Yes, I see a therapist, but the change to my life was so sudden and drastic, I am still trying to deal with the reality of it. I lost 20 years... .just gone.

I finally had the courage to go completely NC with him, since I couldn't handle the cruelty of his texts and attitude. The way he blamed me for everything and never, ever once admitted what really ended us. That's an apology I will never get, and I have a hard time with that.

I want to end on a more positive note though... .I am gaining strength every day, even by little tiny amounts. I am starting to craft a bit of a life, and finally have a vision for where I'd like to be in the future, even if the here and now is still a little foggy. So far, I have survived 100% of my worst days, and I grab onto that like a lifeline when I need to.

[marti644]

Great question and a great exercise!

1. I've lost my guilt at standing up for myself.

2. I've lost the fear that used to come with sharing my true feelings.

3. I lost the stress of waking up every morning worrying about someone else's day instead of my own.

4. I lost the bags under my eyes.

5. I lost the anxious rapid fire way I used to talked that had my friends and family worried about me all the time.

6. I lost the fantasy of the family I wanted to have, and have started to accept it for what it is.

7. I lost my anger at what I didn't have, and started working for what I wanted.

8. I lost friends who weren't really true friends.

9. And I lost a partner who could never really love me like I deserved to be loved by myself.

What I gained is who I actually am, and my freedom to choose who I was, am, and going to be for the rest of my life, however long that is.

And that is far more precious than any loss.

[allienoah]

Great question and a great exercise!

1. I've lost my guilt at standing up for myself.

2. I've lost the fear that used to come with sharing my true feelings.

3. I lost the stress of waking up every morning worrying about someone else's day instead of my own.

4. I lost the bags under my eyes.

5. I lost the anxious rapid fire way I used to talked that had my friends and family worried about me all the time.

6. I lost the fantasy of the family I wanted to have, and have started to accept it for what it is.

7. I lost my anger at what I didn't have, and started working for what I wanted.

8. I lost friends who weren't really true friends.

9. And I lost a partner who could never really love me like I deserved to be loved by myself.

What I gained is who I actually am, and my freedom to choose who I was, am, and going to be for the rest of my life, however long that is.

And that is far more precious than any loss.

That made my day marti644!

Very well written and well said! I take such positivity and hope from this.

[g2outfitter]

My ability to trust people! That is one thing that hurts the most and I earnestly wish to regain. I know, it isn't going to be easy but now I think I am more than willing to get rid of the baggage my BPDex left me with. I have had enough and now if I don't help myself lead the life I deserve then it is as good as still living under the shadows of my Ex. I am not going to let that happen.

This!  It's a shame that the next person that may come into my life will have to deal with the baggage I carry from my last relationship.  I will inherently not trust the next person, because of the previous person.  And that really stinks.  It's going to take a while for me to believe anyone who may tell me they love me again.  I will focus on their actions as opposed to their words which is a good thing, but during the lovebombing phase my exBPD's actions actually backed up her words.

I did lose a 3 year old step-daughter who I loved... .and who loved me very much.  I hate BPD.

[happendtome]

Marti is healing well and thats good to hear, we all get there at one point.

It is sad to hear that sometimes we lose 5, 12 or 20 years, but at least we are free now. And 49 nowadays is nothing, still time to build good and happy life. Penny, i will often do this way when i want to drink that i will buy non-alcoholic beer or wine. I have noticed that i have often missed that procedure, sitting quietly with my thoughts and drinking something. I also like mineral water what is popular in my side of the Europe. So make it cold and it may not that bad at all.

[marti644]

 I hate BPD.

I hate BPD too g2outfitter, it destroys the minds and bodies of those disordered we loved and the people around them. I hope someday for a true cure for such mental illnesses.

[g2outfitter]

I hate BPD too g2outfitter, it destroys the minds and bodies of those disordered we loved and the people around them. I hope someday for a true cure for such mental illnesses.

Me too marti... .but what I really hope is that one day the people who cause child abuse/molestation are eradicated from our planet.  I truly feel that was the main factor that caused this horrible disorder in the exBPD that I loved so dearly.  Unfortunately, my hope is impossible to attain.  Life is a cruel place to dwell sometimes.

[Whatsnxt17]

Right now I feel like I have lost the passion for many things in life.  I lost the ability to plan for the future.

I am going through a divorce now, so I am hoping that I can escape the control my ex-BPD partner has had over me for 4 years.  But I am almost afraid to have hope because every time I thought there was hope, it would get crushed. 

[Claycrusher]

I didn't loose much.

I had a lifestyle occupation as a hunting and fishing guide, freelance writer, and lecturer.  It was an admittedly shallow life's ambition, but it was mine, since childhood.  As a little boy, I wanted to get paid to hunt and fish.  I managed to live that dream.  It's a long story as to why, but I am not living that dream now thanks to my BPD ex-wife.

But, I can try to live it again, now that we're not married anymore.

I caught her in the act of committing adultery on 12/21/15.  She had, she said, the spring semester to go before completing her bachelor's degree.  I agreed to postpone divorce filing until she got her degree and landed a career-track position that she could support herself on.  I filed an uncontested Petition for Divorce on 11/28/16 and received the Final Decree of Dissolution on my birthday this year.  I couldn't dream of a better birthday present.

I got full custody of our children, and I got to keep every material possession I had.  Mine was a "pro se" filing, meaning I did my own lawyering, so the only cost I incurred was the $241.00 filing fee the court charged.  After drafting the Marital Settlement Agreement that became the Final Decree, she said she wouldn't sign it because she didn't think she should have to pay child support.  I told her that I wasn't negotiating with her and would happily file a contested cause against her on grounds of adultery, instead of an uncontested one on grounds of incompatibility.  That processes repeated the day we went to sign off on it before a Notary Public.  She said she didn't think it was fair that she had to pay any child support.  I told her I wasn't negotiating, merely explaining the documents in layperson's terms so she could make an informed decision as to whether or not she wished to sign them.  I told her I was filing for divorce against her, either way, on 11/28/16.  She agreed to sign, but she did so thinking she wasn't really going to have to.  She was all smiles as we walked in to the bank on a Saturday.  She maintained her composure when she found out that they did in fact have a Notary Public present, after she asserted on the short drive there that they probably wouldn't.  After she signed, and I signed, she had a meltdown, raging fit as soon as she exited the bank. 

Poor thing... .   She felt I had tricked her, somehow... .   She was SO SURE that there wouldn't be a Notary there. 

I was married to her for 18 years.  I can't get that time back, but that's okay.  It wasn't all bad.  She openly admitted before I filed our divorce paperwork that she never loved me, but she put on a pretty good act for a good long while.  My married life with her wasn't all misery.  I had good times with her, too. 

I don't need to dwell on the past because, even at the age of 52, I still have a bright future to look forward to.  I have more discretionary income divorced than I had when married to her, and I had that even before she started paying child support.  I can think about self-employment again and set goals and go achieve them.  I have time to take my road racing bicycle for a spin, play my guitar and banjo, shoot sporting clays, go fly fishing... .  I LIKE being divorced from my BPD ex-wife, and more than just a little bit!

I didn't really loose anything from divorcing her.  I gained a whole lot, but what I cherish the most is freedom... .   I am free to pursue my dreams and put me first.  I come home to tranquil domestic bliss, free from the drama that living with BPD brings.  I am free from the disappointment of an endless string of broken pie-crust promises.  I'm free from negativity and thus free to think of and do positive things.

In the end, I don't really regret being married to my BPD ex-wife for 18 years.  I don't regret being divorced from her, either.  "It is what it is" seems to apply here.  The life I had before her was a good one.  The life I had with her was a good one, in the main.  The life I have without her is great.  The life I have left before me promises to be pretty dang swell, too !

[g2outfitter]

You Claycrusher... .are my hero!

Very well said my man. My BPD chapter only lasted three years and I never did get married but my thoughts about the experience are starting to mirror your post.  I had great times and I had bad times but luckily all was not a loss.  I learned a lot.  I was hurt, then angry, then bitter and finally just saddened by it all... .not saddened by the outcome as much as I am saddened about the disorder and how it will always be a part of my ex.

I am 50 and when my relationship ended I thought my life would never be the same.  It depressed me severely.  But now I realize I have no idea what my future holds and it's quite possible that the best is yet to come.

Thanks for your post.  Would love for you to take me fishing some time!

[Aesir]

I lost a large part of my ability to care. I don't want to be alone forever but my capacity to actually give a damn about someone else's well being has been crippled. I don't care or want to be bothered but at the same time I'm lonely. I... just don't give a damn.

[Stolen]

I lost the life I had invested almost 3 decades in.  In particular, I have lost my two daughters. All of the   . I never thought it would come to this.  Through all the difficulties the one thing that did not waver was my trust. And that was my mistake.

I'll probably never be able to trust again.  And while I pray for my children every day, the multigenerational pattern in xW's FOO leads me to believe that this will not be recoverable.

And to echo another post - how I hate this BPD business.