Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 02:54:16 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: BPD ex gf breakup  (Read 444 times)
Slick17

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: April 25, 2017, 05:31:57 AM »

So my uBPD ex girlfriend broke up with me a couple months back. It wasnt like any normal breakup either...

 It started when i picked her up from the airport after she had her graduation from University interstate for 2 nights (unfortunately i couldnt attend, which i think was a trigger for her). I picked her up did everything right by her, opened the door for her gave her a kiss and bags in the car, i was being a right gentleman. We then went and picked up lunch and at this stage everything was perfect. Whilst she was interstate i was doing all the household chores (cooking, cleaning,washing shopping). When she got home she seen how i had hung up her work clothes on the washing line, and she went ballistic! She kicked me out the house, i left peacefully thinking she needed time to cool off. I came back a few hours later and she told me to find somewhere else to stay the night  (on the eve of our 2 year anniversary). The following day i messaged her a happy anniversary message, and thats when she replied with ill give you an hour to get all your stuff out of the appartment and leave OUR car and house keys behind. I did everything as she asked very peacefully (even left flowers and a brand new watch), as at the time i thought she was having a tantrum.

 A bit of background on the relationship. I started living with her after 6 months of dating and from there she just gained more and more control over me. After 12 months of dating we moved interstate for her career, to which i knew no one in the state and she had family which we were living in their apartment. She had me cornered, if i did something she didnt like she would threaten to kick me out and i would have to grovel back because i had no where to go. And she knew that. Another key note is she has really unstable relationships, and only has the one friend. All friendships have ended the same way as ours.

 The abuse in that relationship was unbelievable, but i still miss what we had. When it was good it was amazing, when it was bad she was the devil. I have been charged at with kitchen knives, punched repeatedly and manipulated. I have once asked her after an episode about why she attacks me, she replied with "because it doesnt hurt you". After all this i still want to help her. It wasnt until i sought out a psychologist that they suggested she is BPD.

 So at the time she had been having "episodes" i never thought of it as a mental illness, i thought it was a hormonal swing. She had previously  been diagnosed with pmdd, which was a huge mirage to what was actually going on. I always thought that her condition would get better and could be medicated due to it being a "hormonal imbalance". Which is why i stayed there for so long, because i had hope that she could be helped.

The lead up to the breakup was a little bit rocky, with her having episodes over the smallest things, but nothing major. Even in the lead up she was still so in love with me stating how i was her soulmate, making plans for our future, regarding houses kids marriage. Not only a 2 weeks prior to breaking up she was saying how she just wants to quit her job and have my kids? How the hell did i get here...

 
Logged
happendtome
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 217


« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2017, 06:27:27 AM »

Do you think she is dating someone new?
Logged
Mclovin1234
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2017, 04:21:48 PM »

Their grandiose statements ("I want to have your kids." "You mean the world to me." "I love you more than anything.", mean very little in reality. Always analyze them by their actions. There's a stark disconnect between their words and actions, and when we begin to analyze the actions they've committed, it becomes easier to cope with the failure of the relationship (lying, cheating, manipulating, feigned apologies, etc). My ex gf was notorious for her grand claims of love. Ironically, the more ridiculous the statements became in their intensity, the more often a break up or distancing would ensue.
   It's difficult to accept the possibility that the future you in envisioned with them, never had much a chance of actualiztion. Unfortunately their inability to regulate emotions, behavior, and their inability to integrate contradicting elements of their psyche (1)need for love, yet fear of abandonment, 2) praise and devaluation, 3)inability to see beyond black and white (absolutes), 3) impulsivity, 4)destructive relationship style (unable to communicate healthily or accept criticism, unrealistic expectations, infedelity (lies, cheating, smear campaigns, replacements), 5) hypersexuality or using sex as a means to control), 6) severe psychological trauma that oftentimes ligers beyond her conscious understanding, 7) defensive mechanisms meant to protect her, yet end of damaging her partner (verbal, psychical abuse, undermining your self confidence, capitalizing upon your lack of personal boundaries.
Also, it helps to assume resposibility for your part in the relationship as well. Codependency tends to be an issue and explains why we were willing to tolerate such as abuse, so long as we ended getting rewarded through her validation, sex, emotional closeness, excessive attention, praise, etc. Oftentimes this can be tied to our own up bringing and how we internalize what love is. Sometimes love and abuse can become confused. Next, personal boundaries. We tend to lack them. However, a healthy individual typically would not have tolerated her push/pulls, abuse, and constant invoking of drama. They would end the relationship permanently and refuse to allow her into their life. Lastly (this is just my option and is not all a full analysis, just a short synopsis), we tend to suffer from low self esteem and lean towards people pleasing. The solution to this for me, was analyzing the structure of my life; I tended to be people pleasing and derived happiness by others reaffirming my value, instead of reaffirming my own value and doing things that I actually wanted to do. I restructured my life around my interests, values, and personal/professional standards. Now I don't have to rely on someone else to provide me with happiness or "unconditional love." I've realized that unconditional love is something that comes from within the self and a normal, healthy relationship, is based on interdependence. Not the type of condependence and abuse you suffered at the hands of your BPD ex gf. A true healthy relationship is formed around trust, healthy communication, support, emotional maturity, mutual reciprocity, intimacy, stability and two whole people coming together in response to their shared enjoyment of one another's presence. You're not meant to be a savior, taking care of an "adult child."  
Logged
Slick17

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2017, 11:53:08 PM »

Thanks for the feedback that was really helpful! I have thought about every avenue possible, whether she did find a new partner before leaving me but i dont think so. I think she genuinely believes i was the toxic one in the relationship and that i caused her to cry and be upset and provoke her attacks towards me. When the breakup happened i was completely blind sided, and was painted completely black, i mean she hated me! Still to this day i havent retaliated i took it on the chin and moved on.

When she was to have an episode she would be very abusive, but i stayed for two reasons. 1 being the love for was so immense and 2 she had me like a rat in a trap. I was isolated from everything i ever knew, which she caused.

In the 2 years i was with her i have seen her push 2 of her only friends away and they were brutal "breakups" aswell. But again she always blamed the other person. One of those friends tried committing suicide 3 times during the friendship as a direct cause from my ex. Since breaking up with my ex i have heard many more stories from my friends of how she was able to lure people in and attach to them like leaches and she would have control over you. But you knew how bad she was for you but the "good" was so intoxicating you would always go back. It is an addiction
Logged
forestfortrees

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32



« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2017, 12:27:18 AM »

Dude - first thing to do is make sure that you are safe. All of that sounds really, really hard. Go easy on yourself. You don't have to figure it out all at once, but man you want to let of some steam - it is good to let it out.

Keep posting here and it's worth talking with a professional if you can. I keep trying to make sense out of much of the past too (and blaming myself at times, plus many other thoughts). Someday you may have to acknowledge that there were things out of your control winghile be glad for what you can now control.

Logged
Claycrusher
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 63


« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2017, 02:08:52 AM »

Their grandiose statements ("I want to have your kids." "You mean the world to me." "I love you more than anything.", mean very little in reality.

Ain't that the truth!  My ex-wife used to say all of those things to me.  By her own admission, she lied every time she said them.

Excerpt
Always analyze them by their actions. There's a stark disconnect between their words and actions, and when we begin to analyze the actions they've committed, it becomes easier to cope with the failure of the relationship (lying, cheating, manipulating, feigned apologies, etc). My ex gf was notorious for her grand claims of love. Ironically, the more ridiculous the statements became in their intensity, the more often a break up or distancing would ensue.

Their actions do speak truer than their words do.  Certainly, that's the case with my BPD ex-wife.

 
Excerpt
It's difficult to accept the possibility that the future you in envisioned with them, never had much a chance of actualiztion.


I'm thankful that I had finally recognized my ex-wife to be highly symptomatic for BPD before I married her.  Had she not have informed me that she was over three months pregnant with our child after I told her I wanted out of our relationship, I wouldn't have married her.  But I did and I thought I had a fair idea with respect to what might lay in store.   Knowing what I was getting myself in to is what's made it really easy for me to move on with my life without my ex-wife in it.  I don't miss the girl she tried to portray herself as during the initial stages of our relationship, because I know she wasn't real and I knew when I married my ex-wife that she would never be that girl again because she never really was her, to begin with.

Excerpt
Unfortunately their inability to regulate emotions, behavior, and their inability to integrate contradicting elements of their psyche (1)need for love, yet fear of abandonment, 2) praise and devaluation, 3)inability to see beyond black and white (absolutes), 3) impulsivity, 4)destructive relationship style (unable to communicate healthily or accept criticism, unrealistic expectations, infedelity (lies, cheating, smear campaigns, replacements), 5) hypersexuality or using sex as a means to control), 6) severe psychological trauma that oftentimes ligers beyond her conscious understanding, 7) defensive mechanisms meant to protect her, yet end of damaging her partner (verbal, psychical abuse, undermining your self confidence, capitalizing upon your lack of personal boundaries.

You have just described my ex-wife! 

Excerpt
Also, it helps to assume resposibility for your part in the relationship as well. Codependency tends to be an issue and explains why we were willing to tolerate such as abuse, so long as we ended getting rewarded through her validation, sex, emotional closeness, excessive attention, praise, etc.

And this is why I don't hate my ex-wife.  She might have been looking for a "tool" before we even met, but I didn't have to play that role for her and it isn't her fault that I did.  I'm not, by nature, a highly co-dependent person.  But I acted like one with her.  Initially, I was busy trying to get a business off the ground and saw my relationship with her as one of convenience.  I didn't have to work too hard at it.  She pursued me.  I let her pursue.  I had developed an adrenaline addiction during my former tenure in law enforcement and that tenure wasn't ancient history when I met my ex-wife like it is now.  Once sex entered our relationship, that was the "fix" I needed for my addiction.   But that's also what got me to see what I had the education and training to see long before I actually did.  We went on a fly fishing trip where we had non-stop sex for three days but I did zero fishing.  None.  Zip.  Da Nada... .  On the way home, as she slept in the car, I started comparing my history with her to what I had learned about BPD, and when those things reconciled, I wanted out.  The next day, I told her I wanted out.  She said she understood but there was something I needed to know, and that "something" was that she was over three months pregnant with our child.  I made a series of choices that tied me to that woman but the innocent child I helped create would pay a heavy price for them if raised by a single disordered mother.  I made the conscious decision to not let that happen and instead of going through with the breakup, I married my then future ex-wife, instead.  But I knew what I was getting in to when I did it and how I got in to it.  She might have been looking for a "tool," but it's not really her fault I played that role for her.  It's mine.  I've known that for the last 18 years.
Logged
Slick17

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2017, 04:55:50 AM »

Everything i have said about it is blaming her, dont worry when it first happened i all i did was look at myself and spent alot of time reflecting on what i could have done. But in fact it was inevitable for it to happen.

And now that i am still some what mourning what we had, i do understand how damaging she was to me (and others) and how worst off i could have been years down the track. Also im in the same situation as yourself Claycrusher as i didnt have a codependent personality all, but i do now.

I should have seen it alot earlier (rather than a few weeks after the breakup
Logged
kentavr3
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 119


« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2017, 09:44:42 AM »

I don’ t think that you couldn’t go for graduation is a trigger. From my own experience and many books that I read, BPD/NPD actions on 99% preset ahead of time. They can virtuously put a guilt on you like not looking at them correctly or you didn’t brought a a breakfast to the bad and etc. BPD/NPD don’t need a right gentleman. They grew up in the dysfunctional environment. “Mr. Bad” is what they need. It sounds strange , but if you would bring her pain instead of pleasure, I’m sure she would not devaluate your efforts. BPD/NPD “love” to spoil vacations, anniversaries, birthdays. This is how they attract attention in negative way. It called “negative chaos”. You can’t predict it. You exgf( hopefully) had tantrums long before. Looks like you didn’t want to notice them. I didn’t want to notice exBPDw tantrums before. You ( I also) created your relationships based on fear that she leave you. But, this is not her problem.  You have a problem with assertiveness. And, this problem has root far away in your childhood , when you probably wanted to be a good boy to get parent’s love.  Your exgf could be diagnosed with anything. you didn’t see her medical records, you don’t know what was her childhood. All stories here are the same. When you describe your story , you also described my story with the same senses of happiness. Unfortunately, we attached to the pain. For us, pain is a love. This is how parents screw up us. All this company of BPD/NPD and many types of this will pull you up to smash you down and enjoy after how you feel and how you suffer and how you are confused. They can’t feel, that is why they want you to feel for them. Their pain. They don’t have depressions. But, one day you’ll recover and then what? You have tendency to be involved in another dramatic relationship. You have to work on yourself in order to avoid it.
Logged
Slick17

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2017, 07:30:10 PM »

Yes i agree with you alot of what you are saying kentavr3. But as for me not wanting to notice the tantrums, i seen them but i always hung in there as at the time i was lead to believe it was a hormonal imbalance (which is quite funny now to think now). She always harped on about her contraception making her so imbalanced and her "pmdd" causing alot of the problems. She always said it was fixable according to her gynecologist, and always told me that once she was to give birth that alot of the problems would dissipate. But it never would, as it was never a hormonal imbalance more a psychological issue.

You would look at this girl and think the butter wouldnt melt in her mouth, but she was down right evil when she wanted to be. You wouldnt of ever imagined any of the things that were to come out of her mouth in an episode. Even calling my younger sister a c**t because she was talking too much?
Logged
kentavr3
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 119


« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2017, 07:56:40 AM »

If she would give a birth, situation could be worse even. Who knows if she would have a post depression? Just focus that she is dysfunctional and they never ever get better! Only worse! Work on yourself and remember that there are millions on women on this planet, You can find a normal one who could make you happy.
Logged
Slick17

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2017, 03:05:01 AM »

The therapist did mention that... also it seems like she is going NC towards me, is that a common thing for a BPD to go NC even if they were the ones that broke things off?
Logged
kentavr3
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 119


« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2017, 01:24:25 PM »

well. They broke for a reason. One of many. 1. bring you a pain and see how you are going to respond. If you respond with begging them to return( as I did) , they will continue doing this and enjoying your suffering. My therapist told me that he had a female patient who during 20 years has been getting ready with conversation with her ex husband and had conversation with him every evening. she thought that he still loved her. ex husband had a new family an kids there. yes. this is codependency, but ex husband could stop it. He didn't . he enjoyed her suffering. your ex NC could means anything. you can't go to her head ( for free). as my therapist ( former jail therapist) said, all their actions are preset. This is what were in their head. so... also remember about their polar black and white thinking. Today you are perfect. tomorrow will be a "black knight". Such mood change is a salt of this personality disorder. you loose your self in this chaos. But. again and again. Such behavioral somehow is comfortable for you. I have been addicted to such drama women all my life. if you read posts here, many people whose profession is physiologists could easily involved in dramatic relationships with BPD/NPD. You addicted to emotions that BPD gives to you. If these emotions would be produced by a boat motor , you'll catch them. For now, my suggestion to you is go to the therapy. You can screw up next relationships choosing the same style person or even worse.
Logged
Slick17

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #12 on: April 29, 2017, 01:04:03 AM »

Yes i agree, the way she went about the breakup was as if she wanted for me to be suicidal etc. Initially when we broke up i was chasing her and begging to have her back, but when i found out it was BPD i was dealing with i knew i had to leave it alone. Also thats what im afraid of is that i may be prone to these types of relationships, and it will always be a down hill spiral. I think whats been helping me for closure is to read about BPD and seeing my therapist. Otherwise i think i woukd still be so scattered, confused and questioning myself.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!