BPD Grandmother dying and BPD mother and Uncle at each other' throats

[ijustwantpeace]

For the past 5 or 6 weeks my grandmother has been dying or recovering slowing declining, and not that the short term medical has run out the battle has begun.

I am so sick of this.  I scrape by on rent from housemates, can't afford to find my roof to sell my house and move away for good.

It just does not seem fair.  Everyone seems to get a better deal in life than me.  It is really hard to not feel bad for myself right now.

Everything decision my mom makes causes conflict in the family.  She had the choice to leave gram to have a peaceful death in the nursing home, but not she is bringing gram back to a her house aka "the war zone".

It was nice and easy to visit gram at the nursing without having to deal with my crazy ass uncle.  I told my mom I can't help with at home care, it is the wrong decision for the family.

She does not care.  She wants the attention of the fight.  She loves conflict.  I can't stand it.  I just want peace.

How do you guys handle the dying process of a BPD grandmother and the conflict her BPD children cause?

So done with this.

[Turkish]

It's tough to get dragged into a big family dysfunction.  What is it specifically that they (or your mother) is requiring of you?

[ijustwantpeace]

It's tough to get dragged into a big family dysfunction.  What is it specifically that they (or your mother) is requiring of you?

Care for grandmother.  I never had any long lasting stability or happiness in my life and it can all be traced back to these people.

The problems never end or get better.  I don't have any happy memory well to drawn on, and just am resentful that the best years of my life were wasted on people don't care enough about me to get treatment.

I am stuck in my crappy situation due to limited funds, and have trouble holding full time job due to messed up emotions.

Other survivors find a way to cope or get away from their crappy people and I just can't seem to do it.

It takes me weeks or months to recharge my happiness after a blowout.  So sick of it.

I feel like I won't even care after gram is gone.  I will probably be insisting my mother get treatment at the funnel for her BPD as she uses gram and other family as an excuse to not get treatment.

I don't believe in families breaking up, but am starting to believe their is no happiness when you don't feel safe with your BPD behaviors can impact your life so much.

I lost the only good paying job I had in my life due to BPD Uncles crazy.  I have no good feeling toward these people just want to get free.

[Turkish]

There is obviously a lot of conflict here,  and multiple triangles in which to get trapped. 

How is your r/s with your grandmother,  aside from the other people?

[ijustwantpeace]

There is obviously a lot of conflict here,  and multiple triangles in which to get trapped. 

How is your r/s with your grandmother,  aside from the other people?

It is ok.  Not too much to say.  She is old and dying or not dying.  There has never been any stability, honesty or clear path with my family.  They are selfish people and don't give a crap about anyone, but them self.

I never learned how to be selfish enough to have the good things in life, and now I just want out.  All my current unhappiness can be traced back to these people.  Tired of having them push my buttons.

They are low quality people and I want nothing to do with them.  Feel stuck in a life choosen by others and am tired of it.  They made all my choices for me.  Not fun living in a reactionary state to other's crazy.

[Panda39]

Hi ijustwantpeace,

Whew, I can see why you chose the name you did... .there is a lot going on in your family!  I'm really glad you decided to reach out here  

Do you live on your own or with your mother?  I couldn't quite tell from your post.

I'm on these boards because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) so come at this from a different angle.  Based on my SO's ex something occurred to me that could be happening in your situation too.

At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment, and death is the ultimate/permanent abandonment, in the ex's case her mother's death escalated her dysfunctional behaviors as it seems to be with your mom and uncle.  Unfortunately, you have two people freaking out the same time and taking it out on each other and anyone nearby.

I want to pass on a few things for you to read, one is information on FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional blackmail.  I can hear this in your situation and it can be really helpful to understand when this is going on and seeing it for what it is.  In my opinion it is helpful to see the dysfunction for what it is, it helps take some of the emotion and chaos out of the situation so you can think and not just give your usual knee jerk reaction to something.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The other information I want to pass on is about boundaries which is a tool that you can employ to protect yourself.  

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Spend some time thinking about what kind of boundaries you could create in your situation.  You could flat out refuse to help with grandma (your mother made the choice to bring her home that was her decision, not yours, you are under no obligation [FOG] to participate in care taking... .know that guilt will most likely be used if you refuse.  See it for what it is emotional blackmail), you could help a limited time... .once a week... .2 hours MWF... .whatever you are willing to do if anything.

Know that it is up to you to enforce your boundaries, pwBPD (people with BPD) are expert boundary busters.  So if you decide to help with Grandma once a week do only that. FOG will be used to get you to do more, see it for what it is, manipulation... .it doesn't have anything to do with who you are as a person.

Think of the little kid that wants candy.  He asks mom for candy she says "no"... .he starts to whine and asks again and mom says "no"... .he starts having a full on screaming crying tantrum and asks mom again (we've all seen this at the grocery store  .  What happens if mom gives in here?  That little kid learns that if he screams loud enough he will get what he wants.  If mom still says "no" (enforces her boundary)  the little kid will learn that "no" means "no" and will eventually give up.

If you set a boundary think of your mom as that little kid because she will use FOG to try and get you to back down from the boundary you set.

I hope I've given you something here that is helpful.

I know other members will be along with more ideas, support, and tools.  

Panda39

[ijustwantpeace]

Panda39,

I think I am beyond the standard techniques for dealing with disordered individuals.

It gets worse and worse with each new episode.  Every time this happens all the trauma from the past comes flooding back, and it is harder, and harder to recover.  I am so depressed it is hard to do anything.

I just want to give up.  I wish I was the one dying or dead and not gram.  99 is such a long live, she had had 2 husbands.  Everyone else in my family has had their first divorce and now working on a new family.

I am scared to have a family in this house as I don't know what the heck mom will do moment to moment.

She love chaos.  I hate chaos.  She never gave me any stability growing up at all, and if she does anything it is just for her own twisted up reasons.

I don't trust her as she has never once followed through with what she said she would do.  I can't wait to sell this place and take my chances.