My ex has invited me to tattoo convention

[Pedro]

My ex has invited me to tattoo convention this weekend, because she said her friend cannot make it, also she is running a half marathon in June & has asked if I would like to go with her? Also has asked for privacy when she speaks to her new boyfriend as she doesn't want me to spoil her chances of this relationship working for her. I have no intention of doing that nor would I do so. I keep out of her way in the house when they speak purposely. By the way she tickles my feet yesterday like she always did when we were together, it was a mutual quirky jokey little pet play we used to do with each till we couldn't stand the tickling to each other no more.

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[heartandwhole]

Are you planning to go to these events, Pedro?

[Pedro]

Hi heatandwhole.

It seems desperate that she has asked me will i go to the tattoo convention, because her work colleague has dropped out? I initially said i would think about it, i got back to her a few days later & said yes. She says "good i've already bought the tickets for the 2 of us".

We were always booked to go together for the half marathon months before she ended our relationship, wew were booked to stay in a hotel the night before, but now if i go i want separate rooms.  Would it be bad if i went or does it make me look desperate?  I would go to both events not expecting anything, i am slowly trying to rebuild me as a person, or does it look hypocritical going?

[heartandwhole]

Would it be bad if i went or does it make me look desperate?  I would go to both events not expecting anything, i am slowly trying to rebuild me as a person, or does it look hypocritical going?

You know, Pedro, if this was something planned (the half-marathon) and you want to go for your own enjoyment, then I don't think it's desperate or hypocritical. Do it for you, and because you want to be there. As for the tattoo convention: would you be interested in it if she weren't going?

You know your reasons for attending and you don't have to justify them or explain. It's good information for you to gauge your feelings around this situation. What are your feelings around this? Do you feel desperate? It's okay if you do, it would be a rather natural response to what has been happening, if you ask me. 

heartandwhole

[livednlearned]

Hypothetically if we were to try and reconcile she/we would have to be able to talk, consider therapy, I'm not the doormat ready to be walked & wiped on again. Yes a fine line balance to kept & walked along methodically with a lot of thought carefully.

Another approach might be to say that you will be going to therapy for yourself. Lead the way by example.

Therapy for a person with BPD can be frightening -- the exposure to scrutiny is on a level hard to imagine if you are able to manage your emotional sensitivity and shame.

You can be in a relationship, not be a doormat, and allow your partner to find her own way to T, without it being an ultimatum of the relationship.

That's where we come in  

To describe how specific skills work in a BPD relationship.

[Pedro]

Heartandwhole
Hi I'm in the end game as Skip has said. A part of me is going to support my ex whilst she has tat done on the day, I'm trying to create some happier memories before we potentially depart finally, a part of me has always wanted tats but never had the guts to do it, that's everything I can think of.

[Pedro]

Hi lnl,
I need the therapy I thought I was going insane/mad/losing the plot, carrying all this emotional baggage of what my partner has & brought into the relationship. I know she isn't completely well & happy. I don't blame her I want to do it for me, I need it even if we don't reconcile.

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole.
I was going to the tat convention to show interest in her hobbies and likes. But given we are separated I am asking myself do I look desperate going now the relationship is over. Ex with BPD invited me 3 weeks after separating, I take it at friendship only nothing more... We both like other aspects of tattoo convention including old American cars fashion music etc.
As Somebody else mentioned in last 24 hours on here on my thread am doing counselling for me & ex will know. After attending ER couple of weeks ago to access mental health crisis team, I told ex at weekend, she apologised profusely for me feeling that bad.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

It sounds like you feel a bit in limbo, and that is very understandable. It's a caring gesture to show your partner that you are interested in her interests. My concern is that your energy and focus is going toward making her feel good/cared for, and I'd like to see you feeling that way.  

This is a really tough situation to be in. What would make it easier for you, Pedro? I think focusing as much as possible on what you need right now is important. You can still be kind toward your partner, but if you can, start to pay more attention to yourself and what you want and need to feel balanced again.

If you don't feel comfortable going as friends to the convention, you can say so and do something for yourself that feels good and nurturing. 

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole
Thanks for feedback it is my ex partner I have to talk about her in the past tense now which is hard. How do people with BPD feel with their emotions with me an ex yet she has a new boyfriend who is her rest of her life with person now after 2 weeks, yet she still wants to do the things with me that we used to do as a couple drinks meals give/wanting hugs saying she loves me, I'm cute I miss you

[heartandwhole]

How do people with BPD feel with their emotions with me an ex yet she has a new boyfriend who is her rest of her life with person now after 2 weeks, yet she still wants to do the things with me that we used to do as a couple drinks meals give/wanting hugs saying she loves me, I'm cute I miss you

Hi Pedro,

I went through something similar, as pwBPD was with someone when we first met, and just email acquaintances. From there, we fell in love. When he was with me, his ex-girlfriend (who I now think he never really broke up with—at least not for long) was on his mind and he missed her. When he was with her (yes he was living with her "platonically"  ) he said he missed me. I was confused to say the least, but I believed the words at the time.

Part of BPD is this instability in relationships, and a fear of abandonment. Wanting to have "support" from previous loved ones, even when in a new relationship. The fear of abandonment can kick in with the new person, so it's important to have someone to turn to if pwBPD is left, or runs. The emotions are so intense, and many people with BPD have a lot of trouble self-regulating and self-soothing their own emotions. So, they may look to others to do that for them.

I don't know if this is a factor in your relationship, but it sure was in mine. The abrupt about-faces (I want to be with you, I love you, I can't be with you, I never loved you like that, I'm with someone else, let's run away together) caused me so much pain.

Your ex-partner may be feeling a bit nervous in her new relationship, so she is looking for support from you. What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole.

It's fair comment what you say & is totally plausable & reasonable.  I cannot be this support rock for her whilst she acclimatises to her new relationship.  I did that for almost 6years until 3 weeks ago.  Why can't she put all the support needed on to her new partner, that's part of his role i feel as getting to know her.  This is what she would never discuss when we were together that i supported her fully emotionally, psychologically,physically. She won't discuss this.  So i told her a couple of weeks ago that she should open up to her new/next partner for her to reach full potentials in a relationship. Not being bitter but 1% of me hopes that she will regret in future that she/we had opportunities to fully realise an even happier more stable fulfilling relationship, with an unconditional loving supporting partner. All this i said before i came across your website.  It's so frustrating especially as she says she still loves me, i'm cute (cuteness in the eye of the beholder of course), i miss you, our quirky little pet plays like tickling, wanting hugs. I need to establish boundaries in friendship now do i? As had i set boundary's in the relationship following guidance from this help charity you are part of, perhaps i/we wouldn't be in this position now i don't know?

[Pedro]

Do ex partners who have BPD ever reconcile with their previous partners, when it is the BPD person who ends the relationship?

[heartandwhole]

Do ex partners who have BPD ever reconcile with their previous partners, when it is the BPD person who ends the relationship?

Sure they do. Are you thinking that maybe you'd like to try to save your relationship?

There are no guarantees, but there are things you can do that will help you feel better and stronger, no matter what happens with your ex. I recommend the links at the right sidebar ------> There is a wealth of helpful info. there.

heartandwhole

[livednlearned]

Do ex partners who have BPD ever reconcile with their previous partners, when it is the BPD person who ends the relationship?

This is hard to say other than anecdotally, yet it would seem that how the nonBPD partner responds to the break -up (e.g. you) does improve the odds of reconciliation.

I see why you might want to go to the tat convention, because at least you can be with her. Tho it isn't in the way you want to be with her.

What do you think about telling her you are taking care of yourself, doing things on your own to help adjust to the new normal.

I don't know that this will work like a formula per se, but I suspect it will help her see that you value yourself. Since she is likely to externalize the emotions you experience, this makes it more likely that she will want what you have, which is you  

 

[Pedro]

Hi livedandlearned.

Thank you for your feedback.  I am going out with work colleagues this evening socially for drinks, & I have made plans to go to a cinema venue this Saturday evening once I return from the tat meet without my ex. The following day I am making plans to go out for a meal with my family. Am doing things for me that yourself, Skip & others suggested, am learning to rediscover who I was/am before I got lost or overwhelmed by my ex's condition.

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole,

Thanks for your insight.  My partner is angry with me still for me contacting an ex for somebody to speak to outside the relationship as I felt I was going insane, wrong in every way what I did I know. Perhaps she is leaning on me for support in her new relationship genuinely until the relationship settles down, grows, develops? Or she is trying to rub my nose in it to make me jealous? It hurts but I don't let her see it, I trying to remain upbeat positive keeping active & busy both at work socially & with family.
Thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Hi heartandwhole,

Perhaps she is leaning on me for support in her new relationship genuinely until the relationship settles down, grows, develops? Or she is trying to rub my nose in it to make me jealous?

I don't think we'll be able to answer that, unfortunately. She may not even be sure herself.

It hurts but I don't let her see it, I trying to remain upbeat positive keeping active & busy both at work socially & with family.

Yes, I can really understand that it hurts. In your shoes, I'd be hurting, too. I think you have a good plan. Keep engaging with others and lean on them for support. Do what is right for you. That is taking care of yourself and putting yourself first. Then, with time and practice, what your ex-partner does or doesn't do begins to become less important when it comes to your wellbeing and happiness—those things are now more in your hands than hers. 

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole & Skip,

Just returned to my house as I now reside at my Mums house 2 nights per week following her recent Transient Iscaemic Attack 2 weekends ago, I need to keep a closer monitoring of her until she is medically investigated thoroughly by her consultant neurologist. My ex asks if I am still going to the tat convention with her this Saturday, then calmly walks upstairs to the bedroom saying she is talking to her boyfriend? I didn't react stayed calm positive and Upbeat?

[Pedro]

Maybe my ex is over me & has/is moving on?

She is in the bath bathing completely naked, but wants me to stay in the bathroom with her whist she bathes. She hasn't seen me for a few days as I said on previous post am staying at a parent's house 2 nights per week due to a recent illness to my Mum.  So she wants me to stay in bathroom as she wants to catch up on stuff/gossip/my job week at work etc. I couldn't do this if the roles were reversed?  Is this object constancy or impairment of her cognition in relation to her BPD?  I still fancy my ex, trying to take on board everything Skip, Livednlearned, heartandwhole & others has commented on recently.

As my opening sentence asks perhaps she has/is?

[Skip]

Maybe my ex is over me & has/is moving on?

She certainly wouldn't chat with me in the bath. 

It sounds like she has bumped you into "friend zone" and is fantasizing with the, yet to be met, long distance Facebook guy.

This situation isn't going to resolve overnight... .but the fact that she wants to spend time with you and is intimate with you on this level is something better than where you were. Find strength in this. Create some great memories.

The best hope here is that her fantasy with the new guy plays out and she then realizes what a good guy you are. She has to play this out as some level. She hasn't touched him, kissed him, etc. so chemistry is completely unknown.

She has chemistry with you, however.

It's hard to live in this uncertainty and it takes a lot of strength. This is the most attractive thing you can do - just don't cross the line and start advising her on her plans to leave, how to think or talk to the new guy, or keep you updated about their plans. Just gracefully exit those chats... .

[Pedro]

Hi Skip.  I did everything you suggested before you put your post on here.  I must be doing something right hopefully?

[Pedro]

It's 4.20am as I write this as my ex wakes me up with sound of her voice as she is talking to her new boyfriend Mr Wonderful downstairs.

[heartandwhole]

It's 4.20am as I write this as my ex wakes me up with sound of her voice as she is talking to her new boyfriend Mr Wonderful downstairs.

Ugh. Do you have some headphones to put on with some soothing music?

[Pedro]

Morning heartandwhole,

I have my radio switched on through my iPhone which helps me to drift off to sleep most nights. I just turn the volume up, but my wake up alarm is also set through my phone so I won't use headphones. It's either inconsiderate or maybe she doesn't have that awareness, but also she's all loved up with new man, so thoughts feelings hormones are elsewhere I guess?

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole and Skip.

Forgot to add I was in my bedroom ex gets out of bath, she is standing almost completely naked, totally naked from waist down and partially covered on her torso stood on the landing staircase area again wishing to talk about her day at work venting her spleen which I was happy to do most days as a couple. She's not trying to seduce me or or get under my skin, it's like I am her best friend or close sister the way she just parades around naked. I'm sure her new boyfriend would not be pleased if he knew this. No I wouldn't tell him for revenge it's not my nature, I just find it bizarre weird strange, but it's part of her BPD makeup I guess?

[heartandwhole]

I just find it bizarre weird strange, but it's part of her BPD makeup I guess?

I'd feel the same in your shoes, Pedro. And I wouldn't like it. How do you feel about it? Do you want to be in that support role right now?

[Pedro]

I don't like the fact that she talks loudly and wakes me up in the night, but 6 hour time zone difference talking to Mr Wonderful in USA. My new nickname for him haha. Am not playing support role as much trying to withdraw gradually like last night ignoring her politely a couple of times letting her know she doesn't get or do what she wants as if it's ok. I don't like the fact she walks around naked because I still love an fancy her, so it's difficult but trying to be positive & getting on with things. Thanks

[Pedro]

Forgot to add,

I posted earlier in the week Mr Wonderful should be her new support network now/shoulders to lean on, so I don't get why she still wants to with me. Also taking on board what Skip has suggested keeping cool, playing the end game, but to add I did tell her if she has any medical emergencies or any other significant emergencies I will support help her which now contradicts everything I'm saying her new man should be doing, so I've again as her ex am validating reinforcing her behaviours, I'm so stupid I don't learn do I? I need to start learning faster?

[heartandwhole]

Pedro, it's okay to slip up sometimes, this is a new situation for you. I think you are doing very well under the circumstances. It takes a strong person to deal with this behavior, especially since you still feel so much for her.

It's also okay if you want to support her. You get to make those choices for yourself, and according to your values.

One step at a time. You are handling this better than a lot of people, in my book. 

heartandwhole