My ex has invited me to tattoo convention

[Pedro]

Thanks heartandwhole.
I don't think i'm handling this as well as how my posts come across or are perceived.  When you see your ex g BPD standing naked in front of you whilst you're now living in the spare bedroom, & all you want to do is make a pass at her, make love to reconcile & work things out, this is killing me in my head & heart respectively.

Tattoo convention tomorrow, i'll let you good people know how things go.  Have a better weekend if possible fellow site members?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole.

Sorry to keep posting, thank you to you & fellow site moderators, administrators & support staff. You all do an amazing job in supporting people such as me, unfortunately it's had to be through difficult painful uncomfortable and volatile situations. I am slowly starting to realise & understand more, though I don't think I will ever fully comprehend what my ex gf with BPD has been through & still continues to go through with this awful illness.

She is a clever articulate artistic funny clever creative loving caring sensitive sarcastic dry humoured, and somebody who accepted me for who I am when she is well & happy and I've lost her.  Love & miss you Crazyhorse xxxx

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

Keep on posting and expressing your feelings.

I am slowly starting to realise & understand more, though I don't think I will ever fully comprehend what my ex gf with BPD has been through & still continues to go through with this awful illness.

Can you share with us some of the things you are realizing and understanding. It helps us all. I agree that trying to understand the disorder can be difficult. Have you lost her if she's in your heart and literally in your home? 

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

I was born and raised around a large Irish family lots of aunts uncles & cousins etc. My ex was raised around a younger brother both parents & one set of grandparents. As a couple we were invited to multiple wedding, birthday, & significant social gatherings every year over the 6 year period we were together. I was so proud happy & fortunate to have this woman on my arm to share with my family to get to know & love. For weeks up until the day before an event she would be happy excited talking about which clothes hair make up etc. to wear, then on the day she would go into meltdown. She would say she can't go she can't socialise, she's not good around people, I need to leave her & find someone better who can do this. Cry on the bed all day hysterically. Despite all my reassurances, love support empathy she would not attend. I didn't realise this for years, social avoidance pretending to want to go to please me, but that's not what it was ever about. I just wanted to do what most couples do I imagine in the grand scheme of things this is one example heartandwhole.  I kept pushing not aggressively or passive aggressive, but gentle persuasion topped up with 100% reassurance love and support that's all.

[Pedro]

The house we own which we lovingly restored with hard cash, love, blood, sweat & a lot of tears on her part. Yes she's in my heart she always has been, always will be, yes she's still living in our home, but I don't have her, I've lost her & one day I'll have to deal with that despite trying to salvage this relationship  

[Pedro]

Absolutely dreading it. Trying to appear positive happy on the outside. Internally my stomach's churning with sadness, regret that we are going to venues events as ex's. Trying to take on board what Skip and others have proposed advised in the last couple of weeks. Withdrawing from this support role heartandwhole and I have been talking about. It still beggars belief to me though how my ex still WANs to invite her ex to go to places with her either though she has a new partner, it's only because he's in another country currently. I guess if they were in the same country or nearer to each other I wouldn't be part of this today. Just rehung to rationalise this. I know Skip says she throwing out friendly overtures to me.

[Pedro]

Well here we are folks at the tat meet. Ex invited here o experience "my weirdness" as she puts it. I always liked her tattoos when we met. Some drawn on wrists to hid the self harming scars. Here to experience one of hobbies that she loves. Queueing at the entrance to get booked in i d bands etc & she pulls in me close, cups my face with her hand, kisses my neck & says thank you for bringing her here today. I drove & it is about 100 miles round trip here today. Yet half an hour earlier telling me about if her employer will miss her when she moves hometo TX USA. Bitter sweet love tragedy?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

It sure sounds like your ex is still ver attached to you. I know that's hard to understand, given her mentions of her plans with new guy.

I'd recommend taking the friendly and noncommittal route if your heart can stand it. 

Let us know how it goes. I hope you'll be able to enjoy the convention.

heartandwhole

[Skip]

I'd recommend taking the friendly and noncommittal route if your heart can stand it. 

This is a big part of it.

If you can be cool and fun and not bring focus to the "situation", that is great.

Can you bring yourself to it? That's harder.

[Pedro]

Hey heartland whole.
Don't know if I can just do the fun thing because it would reinforce to her like Skip may have mentioned pushing me into the friendship zone while getting on with Mr Wonderful in TX. She was talking sadly about moving home, is it the right thing to do or not? Well I'm not gonna say please please stay? If she moves home to TX she wAnts me to come & visi her. Do I want to visit her & Mr Wonderful as friends, no way Jose? Also she mentions if she visits England next year after moving home next year can we meet up? I don't want to meet up with her & her new man? No thank you. In returning home from tat meet, she invites me for a restaurant meal another one personal to us. Yet I could see sadness iN her Her eyes when we were eating so I know she's not completely happy. Anyway I am going to the cinema on my own this evening & she's looking on the film www to see what's showing and wanting to pick a film for me to see. No thank you I can do it on my own. I so want to invite her but I would be doing it for wrong reasons & I need to do stuff for me. Much as I don't want to.

[Skip]

Make positive memories. Be a great guy. If she comes around it will happen slowly.

Play the long game.   

[Pedro]

Am doing so Skip. She commented all day what a lovely day she was having/had, & kept thanking me for coming to her tat meet with her, and her smile kept lighting up her face like she used to do

[Pedro]

My heart gently weeps whilst she is on the telephone to Mr Wonderful all night in the next room. Just gotta get on with life doing all the things which Skip heartandwhole livedanearned and others have mentioned. It so hard physically & mentally to do but i am going to give it 100% my all, but still looking out for myself heartandwhole. Yesterday was a beautiful day out with my ex g with BPD while it lasted.

[Skip]

but i am going to give it 100% my all, but still looking out for myself heartandwhole. Yesterday was a beautiful day out with my ex g with BPD while it lasted.

It's a tough place to be and you can't be in this mode for an extended period... .we're here to support you.

[Pedro]

Whilst at the tattoo meet, my ex wanted me to have a tattoo done & she would pay for it. Much as I appreciate the kind & generous gesture I politely declined. Yet on the 1.5 hour drive home yesterday there was sadness in my ex's eyes looking like she was bordering on crying, more so when we were in the restaurant. I was hoping it was regret at the relationship ending but I feel or sense she is letting go & getting on with life & Mr Wonderful.  I said hypothetically if we were to get back together because although I like some tattoos I have never had one done.  I was a tattoo virgin at the meet yesterday hahaha. 
And yet as I stated yesterday she wants me to come over & visit her once she is back in Tx, or come over to England once she moves back to Tx & visit me why? I won't be able to do either in future if we don't reconcile.
SORRY TO I FEEL LIKE I AM WARBLING OR WAILING GOING ON WITH MYSELF HERE, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE IN WORSE SITUATIONS/SCENARIOS THAN ME CURRENTLY.
This morning my ex calls me into her bedroom whilst I am getting to take my Mum to medical appointment this morning.  She said she had nightmares/bad dreams. Now to put this in context my ex has had what seems to me over the years an unusually large amount of these over the 6 years I have known her sharing the same bed.  I always comforted her in the past with hugs and reassurance because many times she would be sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know if this is just her normal reaction or do people with BPD have more dreams/mania nightmares in comparison to those that don't have BPD?
So to get back to this morning she held out her arm & hand for me to comfort her, & I instinctively like a shmuck I comfort her reassure her & give her a big hug. It's also a part of me wanted to, which I should have not done. I felt like saying afterwards that her boyfriend should be doing this, even if he's in a another country she could ring, text or email him.  By doing this am I validating her behaviour & my own instinctive reactions respectively?  Or Skip might say she may be giving out genuine friendly overtures to me & I have reciprocated that?
Further to what Skip posted in last post, I cannot stay in this mode indefinitely, should I slowly withdraw & let her come to me or seek me out if she wants anything etc?
Thank you.

[Pedro]

Driving to the meet yesterday one of my ex's BPD traits flared up. I was driving on the motorway or Free way to the USA drivers who may be reading this & I missed the exit lane for the following motorway we needed to use. Well she goes ballistic, screaming & shouting, crying uncontrollably, bordering on hyperventilating tight stomach knots feeling nauseous.  She blamed me for what she would be now late, she wished she had gone on her own, it's all my own fault. It put an extra 10 minutes only on the journey arrival time, but as it transpired we still arrived early. For attention of heartandwhole this is one of my ex's BPD traits that would happen on a regular basis when we would drive somewhere unfamiliar to us both. I am not mocking this behaviour in any way, because it saddens me to see her still do this.

[Pedro]

Just putting this out for conversation if anybody wants to share?

I am only just starting to share some of the behaviours of my ex with BPD with my immediate family. Because I supported my ex with 4.5-5 years of erratic behaviours & traits, my own mental health started to slip in the last 12-18 months because I couldn't cope anymore.  She's been stable for last 12 months, however some of my family are annoyed that she couldn't or wouldn't support me when I needed it.  Perhaps she's not capable of doing that I don't know? I know a couple of my family members would not like me to return to this relationship if were to happen because they would be concerned for my health.
Do husbands, wives, fiancés, partners ex partners of BPD suffers find their own family members have any resentment towards current or ex partners who do have BPD, because they cannot/won't/don't reciprocate mutual support to their partners?

Thanks.

[Pedro]

Ex g heading to her employer's head office this morning for 4 days work, approximately 350 miles drive there from where we live. I offered her my car to drive as it's more comfortable & a better vehicle to drive, & I'll borrow hers for my commute to work.
Got the house to myself for 4 days which will be nice a bit space without being in the same house together.
Upon leaving she tells me she "loves me & will miss me". I reciprocate & say the same which is true anyway.
This is so frustrating yet I know she is being genuine when she says it.  :)oing all I can with the advice given but it's so trying. Left a note on the speedometer on the car for when she gets in written on a paper towel saying ":)rive safe" with my pet name for her I gave her early on in the relationship.

[heartandwhole]

This IS frustrating, Pedro, and you are handling it well, in my opinion. These four days are a good opportunity to focus on yourself and shore up your strength and peace of mind. 

I think family members can feel protective toward us, and naturally if they see us suffering in a  relationship, they want us to get out. It happened to me, too. We have to make our own decisions about our lives, but, for me now, listening to family and friends' concerns helps me.

What are your plans for these days on your own in your place?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Thanks heartandwhole,
I plan just to relax unwind watch TV cook for myself just have freedom of my house. Am working this week so will have evenings to myself.
As my other post said this morning, my ex says 3 times that I love you & I'll miss you before she even leaves for 4 days. It's heartbreaking because she still has feelings for me, but has her man.
But as you & other staff have advised am doing things for me putting me first. When we were at 1 of our fave restaurants Saturday just gone, she wants us to have more meals out time together before she relocates, well I'm sorry but I can't do that. How hard is it for BPD partners or ex partners to be given boundaries by their ex's as in me putting the boundaries as an ex? How do they respond/react to this generally or is every person different?
Thanks

[Pedro]

Hi all,

Should I ask my ex g BPD to stop telling me she loves me, to stop giving me or asking for hugs? I appreciate it's difficult for us both because we both live in the same house semi separate lives, given that she should be saying this to & giving this to her boyfriend when she sees him in July? It certainly gives out mixed signals. Even though we are separated can I still do boundary setting or is it a contradiction given we're not together. Because I only found out about this site after she ended our relationship. It feels lie it's irrelevant now, any thoughts suggestions?
Thanks.

[livednlearned]

That must be very confusing and sad, what you are going through with these mixed messages, pedro. I would feel the same way.

When she says she loves you, how do you respond?

If she asks you for a hug, do you say yes and reciprocate?

It does seem there is a mutual agreement to continue being loving toward one another (e.g. your note on her car).

What boundaries are you comfortable asserting for yourself?

Maybe that is a good place to start.

[Pedro]

Thanks livednlearned.

Yep not the easier situation to be in right now. Yes putting drive safe keep safe messages on the speedometer is not good. I'm weak because I still love her.
When she says 'I love you' I reciprocate by saying 'I love you too'. Again it's wrong because she has a boyfriend, & if I'm trying to put me first & rediscover who I am, yet I feel if I don't then I'm going to give her brush off, not still being interested in reconciling the relationship, or her feeling abandonment. Maybe I should say 'save those comments for the boyfriend'? Or should I say 'now we're separated we shouldn't say these things anymore even if we still feel this way'  As Skip said to me last week or 2 weeks ago if she giving out positive friendly sensitive still intimate body language then respond & see how she responds.
Maybe she is trying to put out feelers as she is with somebody else am I her back up plan if it fails with Mr Wonderful?  Well I'm not  there for that. I am getting stronger slowly but surely on a day by day basis.
Purposely not responding to things that she says or does like she did last night. She said something last night & expected me to laugh because she thought it was funny but I didn't find it funny. She said 'I thought it was funny. I'm trying to boundaries there but don't know 100% how to do it, so is it necessary as we are separated?
As for the hugs thing don't know how to address that one. When she gives me an unexpected hug, gentle cupping of my face & kissing my neck saying thank you whilst in the queue last Saturday morning at the tattoo convention, those are things you cannot always account for. I know part of her is insecure but should I be saying 'your boyfriend needs to be doing this', or does this just push/nudge her closer to him?
Thanks livednlearned

[Pedro]

Hi livednlearned.

Its not a mutual agreement to continue I thought it was natural & heart felt and not routine.  Maybe I should just back off not reciprocate, acknowledge but retreat or back off?

Thanks/

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

This is a tough spot to be in. I admire your ability to go with the flow here. I do think boundaries are good in all relationships. But I understand that this situation is unique and unusual.

I wouldn't say things like "your boyfriend should be doing this," as that will probably just push her away and make you feel worse. The fact is, that she is not with her boyfriend now. She is with you, living in the same house. Yes, she has plans with this guy, and she mentions them to you, so that is something I would keep in mind.

Boundaries spring from our values, so if you feel that you want to live in the moment and accept affection and show affection (within limits), knowing that she has plans to move in with this new man, then if your heart can take it, do what feels good for you. Her plans may well change, but I'd be careful of proceeding with the assumption that that will be the case.

If the affection is too much, then there is nothing wrong with saying that you are not comfortable with it (you don't need to justify, explain, defend yourself, etc.). Being true to yourself is the most important part, in my view.

I know how difficult this is.   Be gentle with your feelings. It's understandable to feel conflicted, confused, and/or cautious. I was in a similar situation with pwBPD when we were trying to be just "friends" and yet since we were backtracking from being in love, it felt strange and difficult. I managed to keep boundaries in place and he did, too, but it was hard, and my heart felt confused.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Unfortunately i feel that things will be permanent with new man, yet after only speaking online/Skype text etc, how someone's knows they're going to spend the rest of their life with him after only a week, but hey ho if that's how she feels. If it's a rebound relationship I hope she'll be ok for herself if it doesn't, not that I would expect us to reconcile. But yes in my both my head & heart I would like to reconcile. Hindsight is wonderful, but only after the relationship has ended have I been educated & advised by your wonderful services & support here I would be better prepared more understanding & learning to put me first, putting boundaries in place, and taking better care of myself, and taking time out for myself in the relationship to do things I like & want to do. But that's all hyperthetical and hearsay. Yes, thanks for your insight & advice. Just from all the reactions things said body language affection given by her to me last weekend, it's just so bloody hard to get on with life, pardon my English language, given the things she said & did.

[Pedro]

Hi everyone.

Ex texted me saying 'hiya, how ya doing, everything ok while working away will be home tomorrow, hope you're okay'?  Was genuinely surprised because she never texts since we have separated. I'm having a rubbish day at work, short staffed patients arriving late for appointments, stuck in traffic taking twice as long to commute home this evening. So because I did a 2 word text reply because I'm so busy & & having a bad day, she rings me all concerned. She hasn't telephoned since separating. It took me by surprise. Maybe she's had 3 great days away from the house speaking to Mr Wonderful, or maybe it was all genuine?
She's home tomorrow, & I have used her car for work as I let her use mine for a long distance commute. In hindsight it turned out to be lucky as a major fault warning sign/light has flashed on the dashboard. The same fault was fixed 2 years ago at approximately £450.
The thing is she is going to implode tomorrow & revert to her BPD, screaming, shouting, crying, storming off to bed 'why does this always have to happen to me, it's not fair, they have it in for me', whoever they are I don't know? I've purposely not told her as I know something like this will upset her for days if not weeks like the previous time the car broke down.  Previously I would have been walking on invisible egg shells around her for days. But now circumstances are different, I am her ex, but will still try communication tools as we still live in the house together. I don't have to do this but for my own sanity & for a hopefully less stressful house atmosphere I will do this, with no ulterior motive, it will be interesting to see what I have learned here & see how she responds ? Don't mean to make her sound like my guinea pig, I'm not like that.

[heartandwhole]

Pedro,

You are doing what is right for you, taking care of yourself and being friendly toward your ex, even as you know she has plans with someone else. Look what is happening, she is showing more interest in you again. I think that using the tools you are learning on here is a really good thing, no matter what ends up happening here. These are skills you can use for the rest of your life, and in all your relationships. If they also happen to help you save this one, all the better.

Just to let you know: In my relationship, I was in the role of the new guy in your situation. PwBPD was living "platonically" with his "ex" girlfriend while we were communicating by all means that one can when living long distance from each other. Long story short, the fantasy that pwBPD and I had built up came crashing down, and he and his "ex" are now married.  

There's no way to know if things will play out similarly for you, but you are in a much stronger position than he is, in my opinion. Keep doing what you are doing and, if at all possible, try not to attach too much to the outcome. I know that is much easier said than done.  

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Thanks for your insight heartandwhole, I'm sincerely sorry for the crushing experience you have had with your ex. I am keeping an open mind & not reading into anything she says or does too much.  I'm trying to juggle to a lesser degree multiple thoughts, ideas, suggestions you, Skip, livednlearned & others have considered in all of this. I wonder if my ex gf can comprehend that I can be so civil, polite, accommodating, sincere, caring despite all the hurt, sorrow and heartbreak right now?

[Pedro]

Just putting this out there for constructive feedback,

As my ex gBPD would never discuss who erratic mood swings, obsessive compulsive disorder, binge shopping habits on clothes, her insecurities, self harming, self loathing, self worthlessness, social avoidance of both her & my family during our relationship, not wanting to do more simple things together such as going to watch a film, visit the theatre, days out, no physical intimacy for the latter two thirds of our relationship amongst many other things, this is what broke me as a person & her partner, now we are separated should I write these things down in an open letter expressing my feelings & concerns for her & our relationship as it was?
I appreciate this could be difficult, painful, embarrassing, upsetting, uncomfortable for her, but can partners/ex partners appreciate, acknowledge, comprehend or will this potentially push her further away from me now we are separated?
Also as I cheated on my ex g BPD via emails in January because I was in a dark depressing unhappy place because my ex wouldn't talk about things I reached out to the wrong person to speak to, ( YES I KNOW I REACHED OUT TO THE WRONG PERSON). I could understand now that maybe she would feel abandonment. I was never going to leave her, but she would not let me speak to anyone else either because she was ashamed & embarrassed about herself which I tried to respect.
I love & respect her parents who have treated me like a son, should I write them a letter expressing my sorrow, regret, & for letting their daughter down, because my ex is very selective about what she tells her parents?  I love & miss them all dearly who I saw as 2nd parents to me. All this has been lost now, I would never criticize their daughter but expressing sadness I don't know would it do more harm than good.
By the way her Dad has Depression, her brother has Depression & her 14 year old niece has started self harming recently due to her mother not being in her life (not deceased but parents divorced & Mum with drug addiction & numerous affairs during their marriage, Mum gave up parental rights-USA).
Thanks everybody.