Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:09:37 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
Pages: 1   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Need some advice ASAP  (Read 421 times)
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« on: May 16, 2017, 11:45:32 AM »

So my girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago on friday. I strongly believe she has BPD from the way she acts especially because a therapist in the past has told her she had it and she called him an idiot and that he only wanted money and she stopped going to him.

I begged for her back til Sunday and everyday she as telling me I was a pathetic loser and never to contact her again and she started talking to this guy she used to be involved with.

Sunday she told me to go kill myself and leave her alone and hung up on me. I didn't text or speak her to her again after that. Then on Monday a day later I get this text

Hey I wanted to wait a few weeks to say this because I thought it would be best to give us space first but it's been weighing on my mind and I feel really bad for what I said to you over the phone. It hurts me to think about and I'm really really sorry for the things I've said. I was angry and annoyed especially with what you've been saying to me. I don't want to hurt you and it hurts me to see or hear you upset. Again I'm truly sorry from the bottom of my heart and I really do wish you so many good things in life and I'm sorry this didn't work out its going to be hard and it still hurts, it hurts me too but I hope in time you find it in your heart to understand and forgive and find love again. Thank you for all the good memories and you've taught me alot and helped me through alot and I can't even tell you how grateful I am to have had you in my life. Thank you and good luck with everything I really hope you make it to where you want to be in life ❤

I didn't answer

Then she says "I don't know if my number is blocked but you don't have to respond just let me know you got my message"

I didn't answer

The she called twice. First time she let it ring once and the second time she let it ring the whole way.

Then I get another text "obviously my number isn't blocked so I know you definitely got my text that's all I wanted to know this is the last message, thank you"

What do I make of this? Is she trying to pull me back in? Will she continue to message and call me? I do love her and want to get back together but I feel like my only option is to wait til she starts telling me how much she loves me (will she do that?) and then finally answer and tell her I will only take her back if she agrees to therapy and to listen to what the therapist says. I don't know what to do.
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2017, 01:01:50 PM »

hi RyanC5686 and Welcome

im really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but i am glad that you found us. we are here to help.

as the Saving board is something of a crisis board, the first thing we want to accomplish in a crisis is not to compound the situation. we often do that without realizing it. the tools (lessons) directly to the right of the board can really help you in this regard.

What do I make of this? Is she trying to pull me back in? Will she continue to message and call me? I do love her and want to get back together but I feel like my only option is to wait til she starts telling me how much she loves me (will she do that?) and then finally answer and tell her I will only take her back if she agrees to therapy and to listen to what the therapist says. I don't know what to do.

if you want to repair this relationship, i suggest you treat her text at face value (a paragraph of well wishes) and respond in kind, without closing the door. can you do think of some things youd like to say and share them here before sending? we can help walk you through it.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2017, 07:58:02 AM »

Well I ended up not responding and now she's on Instagram and Twitter tweeting to other guys, posting pictures she knows I'd find "sexy" and even using captions of sayings we used to use together such as we would always call each other "my nug" cause we ate chicken nuggets together and even talked about having a YouTube channel related to our name. So she posted a picture of one of her "guy friends" taking a picture of her where she's clearly trying to show her butt "she knows I always loved those pictures" with the caption "I didn't choose the nug life the nug life chose me" which we always used to laugh about and stuff.  Am I wrong to think that she's trying to get me to message her or come chasing her again?
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2017, 09:50:14 AM »

  RyanC5686

Welcome

I want to join once removed in welcoming you to the bpdfamily and echo what he said: it is best to just take things at face value and not try to read anything into any of it.

It is impossible to know what another person thinks. It is futile to try to guess what is going through the minds of a person exhibiting disordered traits. I think that it is natural to try to do so (I know that I did it a lot!), but you'll serve yourself better if you don't do it.

once removed also gave you good advice when he suggested that you respond in a like manner (send a short note of well wishes without closing the door). Being kind and friendly is different from chasing.
Logged
Keepingreal

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 19


« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2017, 03:01:12 PM »

Welcome, Ryan!

I am a "newbie" here myself in a very similar situation - pwBPD ended our relationship of 6 years via text message last Tuesday following a six-week separation, then began messaging me and texting me last night. I spend much of the night crying, confused, and feeling emotionally jerked around. Though I did not respond to his messages, something important that I have realized in recent years is that the push-pull actions are, simply, manipulative. That is not to say that my partner, or yours is *trying* to be manipulative --  maybe they are; or maybe they are plain scared; or maybe they know these behaviors have worked in the past. But they stand as unhealthy behaviors that mess with our heads, and that is manipulative.

I would encourage you to read a lot of the posts on these boards; it's helped me immeasurably to see that 1) I am not alone in this; 2) My partner's actions are classic BPD actions and therefore coming from a place of unwellness, not hate; and 3) None of this is about me. That may be cold comfort to you right now, but at least, not having to feel isolated while going through this can help a lot. Good luck!
Logged
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2017, 09:06:33 AM »

Ok here's an update. Last night she was texting me flipping out on me for ignoring her and how I'm a bad person and fake because I was nice to her mom but not her and how she's not jealous of any girls I might be talking to. But she also said a few times about a concert that we had tickets for in 2 weeks that "we could have gone together but I'm ignoring her so she will go with someone else"
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2017, 09:19:34 AM »

Did you respond? If so, what kind of response did you give?

Ignoring her and giving her the silent treatment will probably not help you save your relationship. Rather, it will trigger her abandonment fears if she does have BPD. Also, it shows the other person that you do not care about his/her feelings and is extremely invalidating.

There is nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself as long as it is done in a kind, loving, and caring manner. If you need to not communicate with her for a bit so that you can detach with love, then why not just tell her that you need some time to yourself?

Logged
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2017, 09:31:11 AM »

Did you respond? If so, what kind of response did you give?

Ignoring her and giving her the silent treatment will probably not help you save your relationship. Rather, it will trigger her abandonment fears if she does have BPD. Also, it shows the other person that you do not care about his/her feelings and is extremely invalidating.

There is nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself as long as it is done in a kind, loving, and caring manner. If you need to not communicate with her for a bit so that you can detach with love, then why not just tell her that you need some time to yourself?



I didn't respond, but the thing is all this weekend and 2 nights ago she was out at bars ignoring me when I was begging for her to talk to me. She answered like once or twice telling me how pathetic I am and that she's with other guys. I don't want to have to ignore her but I want her to go from flipping out and yelling at me and making this all my fault to apologizing for what she's done in a "real" way and letting me know how she truly feels and that she's made a mistake for leaving me. I have a feeling if I respond now she will either tell me to go ___ myself or she will not answer which then shifts the power back to her. I don't want to play this power struggle game with her. I want to be with her and love her but I feel like she might not really "miss me" yet I think she just misses me begging for her and doing everything she asks. She always loved to have the power throughout our relationship
Logged
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2017, 09:32:52 AM »

Do you think it'd be ok to respond with something like "hey sorry I haven't gotten back to your text, I just really needed time to clear my head and think without us being so angry at each other. If you'd like to talk I can meet up with you Saturday"
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2017, 09:44:50 AM »

i think that would be an excellent message to send. its very disarming, straight forward, confident, and friendly.

I don't want to play this power struggle game with her.

so dont - its going to make the situation worse. confident, light, and up beat, is going to show her the man she fell for originally.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2017, 10:15:06 AM »

Yep, I completely agree with what once remvoed said. Not responding to her in hopes of what you states is playing a power struggle game. It is also a game that you will likely lose. At best, it's a game that no one wins. Ask yourself if you'd rather be right or happy?

It will probably be a great deal of help to you to learn all that you can about BPD. Have you read the lesson Understanding your partner's behaviors? Having a better understanding of what might be going on is a huge help in learning to better communicate with our partners.
Logged
HelenaHandbasket
Guest
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2017, 12:58:23 PM »

Hi RyanC!  Full disclosure, I have never had a BPD partner (though I did have one with APD when I was in my late teens--horrendous experience)--the pwBPD in my life is my sister in law, so I've watched my brother deal with these issues for fifteen years.

I know it's verboten to say "run!" on this board, and I'm not going to do that (even if I did, I know from experience that you probably wouldn't take that advice, at least not until you've made that decision for yourself).  I agree with the previous commenter that you should learn all you can about BPD so you can understand your GF's behavior, and if you are going to stay in this relationship you should work on using the tools they've offered here (and in the great book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to help you hold on to your own identity and self-worth, and to help you avoid making matters worse.  But I can't bear to not at least say this: reading your posts, I heard my brother's voice.  Both the women he's had serious relationships with in his life have had BPD--his ex and his current wife. As his big sister and his primary source of emotional support and advice, it has devastated me to watch him struggle in these relationships, both of which have been incredibly conflict-ridden, emotionally abusive at times, and horribly damaging to his self-esteem.  If I had a time machine and could go back to the time before my bro met his first BPD girlfriend, I'd give that sweet, funny, vibrant guy he used to be a huge hug and insist he get some help to find out why he gravitates toward these relationships--all in hopes that he wouldn't get into them in the first place. My brother just turned 35, and he's a different person today than he was when he was 20--he suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, his physical health has taken a hit as a result (mostly stomach and GI problems from stress), and his sense of self and self-worth has suffered hugely.  He's finally starting to learn the tools to deal with his wife's BPD, with the help of a therapist. But these relationships have taken an enormous toll on him. Many, many times he's told me that although he loves his wife, he often wishes he'd never met her.

So that's my two cents. As the BPD Family site will tell you, it takes a huge amount of internal strength to be in a relationship with a pwBPD or BPD traits. This can take a huge toll on even the most self-assured person. I would encourage you, with all my heart, to PLEASE think carefully about whether this is what you really want. Are you going to get your own emotional needs met in this relationship? Are you going to be able to hold on to who you are? I know I sound like I'm painting BPD sufferers with a pretty black brush here, and I don't mean to do that. I understand that these folks didn't ask for this disorder, and I give HUGE props to those who have had the courage to seek help and do the hard work of recovery (unfortunately my SIL isn't one of those, not yet). I realize that pwBPD can be great people with a lot to offer. But it's HARD to be in a BPD relationship. I wish you all the best--sorry for the rant!
Logged
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #12 on: May 19, 2017, 03:06:21 PM »

i think that would be an excellent message to send. its very disarming, straight forward, confident, and friendly.

so dont - its going to make the situation worse. confident, light, and up beat, is going to show her the man she fell for originally.
up

So here's an update I sent that message and then we talked on the phone in the beginning she was just screaming at me telling me how much I annoy her and how happy she was when she wasn't talking to me after all the things I've done wrong. I stayed completely calm and silent the whole time and listened to her say what she had to say. After a little while when it was my turn to talk I spoke very confidently and very gently about how I would like to give things another shot but also told her that if she doesn't think she wants to I will respect her decision. I told her what I have been thinking about this past week and I mainly talked only about the problems I have caused in the relationship and my faults and flaws and how I've realized them and plan to fix them. I gave her a game plan on what I plan to do and what I think we could be if we both worked together to build each other up instead of tearing them down. As I spoke she listened without yelling and her tone of voice changed. She wasn't screaming anymore (in the beginning Everytime I said 3 words she was start yelling over me about how I was wrong and I asked her to please let me finish before she just assumes how the sentence ends) I told her I lost myself in the relationship and got lazy. which I did to an extent but I truly believe it was because I got too caught up in the arguing of the relationship that I just stopped thinking of anything other than the relationship and how exhausted I felt (I told her that but I put it in a nice way and didn't blame her) by the end of the conversation she was telling me she agrees with me and that what I'm saying makes sense. When I took the shot and told her I'd like to try and start over she told me she wishes I realized this sooner and that it seems too late now and that she also doesn't want to distract me from my career. She said she wanted to stay friends. I told her I can't do that because I think I'll always have feelings for her and I'm sorry. I got her tickets to a Weeknd concert that she went to with her brother right before he died so I got her tickets for her birthday to go to the same place to see him again with me since she said she always wanted to go back. It's in 3 weeks and she asked me to go with her as friends because she thinks in 3 weeks my feelings will fade for her and everything will be ok and I won't care. I told her I'm really sorry but if she doesn't want to work on things I can't put myself in that position of falling for her again after 3 weeks of working to move on. I told her she could take a friend and have fun. She kept insisting I go with her and then ever sleep over after and that I'll be ok and won't fall for her again I kept telling her I can't. At the end of the conversation she said... .awkwardly "here I'll just say it... .I love you" I said why did you say that and she said well I don't have to be in love with you to know I love you and care about you. Then she was really awkward getting off the phone like as if she didn't want to hang up until I finally said ok well you have a goodnight and good luck with everything. Also I forgot to mention a little while before this she was telling me "how could you way you care about me if you're talking to other girls cause I know you have" I haven't and I told her that and she told me she had plans to go out with her guy friends. After we hung up she texted me and told me her friends cancelled on her (I'm not really sure if they cancelled or she did cause she didn't want to go anymore she used to have a tendency to do this) then I told her I was going to the movies and she got me a gift card to the movies for my birthday and she said "don't use that gift card with another girl please" i was wondering why is she talking about all these other girls if she's told me a ton of times she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and doesn't care if I talk to other girls. I went to the movies and about 40 minutes into the movies she says "I really wouldn't want to go to the Weeknd concert with anyone else because I feel like you're the only one who will understand if I need to cry because of my brother so please let me know if you change your mind" I answered after the movie and said I'm sorry I don't know if I can. I'll think about it and let you know if anything changes... .then she asked "do you have our selfie stick" which is a prize we won at Dave and Buster's on our first date that we used to use. I said yeah why and she said oh just wondering I wanted to take some pictures. Then I just said yeah I have it and she said ok and we haven't spoken since last night. Today she posted the picture of herself I told her was my favorite of her before we met in a dress I used to love and always want her to wear. So my questions are do you think she really lost feelings and just wants to be friends? Any advice on what else I can do to fix this? Is she just too scared to try again or too stubborn to give me the satisfaction of knowing shes still in love with me? She used to be EXTREMELY stubborn and never ever ever say what she means. Anyone with any advice would be great.

I forgot to mention after we got off the phone she went on Instagram and Twitter and deleted like 10 of the guys she had added in the previous day's when we werent talking
Logged
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #13 on: May 19, 2017, 03:51:26 PM »

Yep, I completely agree with what once remvoed said. Not responding to her in hopes of what you states is playing a power struggle game. It is also a game that you will likely lose. At best, it's a game that no one wins. Ask yourself if you'd rather be right or happy?

It will probably be a great deal of help to you to learn all that you can about BPD. Have you read the lesson Understanding your partner's behaviors? Having a better understanding of what might be going on is a huge help in learning to better communicate with our partners.

I meant to quote you in my previous post also to see what you thought
Logged
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2017, 08:54:30 PM »

So another update. I haven't talked to her since my last update but then last night she called me while she was drunk telling me she loves me so much and misses me. Then I told her she was just drunk and he said drunk words are sober thoughts and she's been thinking about me and that she didn't want me to know that she still loves me and she didn't want me to know how she felt so she hides it. I told her she should be more open with me when she's sober but she said no. We talked for like 2 hours and she started trying to talk sexual with me (when last week she said she didn't see me in a romantic or sexual way anymore) I didn't talk sexual back but then she asked me to fall asleep on the phone with her so I did. Today we've been texting on and off a little bit. Nothing serious just things like what she's doing or what I'm doing nd that's it. What do I make of all this? Does she want me back? Is she just playing games and just trying to keep me around because she's scared of regretting it? What do I do?
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2017, 12:26:19 PM »

None of us can possibly know what her motivation is behind her actions and it's a waste of time and energy trying to guess about it. People who suffer from BPD are just that, people. They are as unique as anyone else and what applies to one does not necessarily apply to another.

I know of some pwBPD who play games to hold onto their exes so as to avoid the feelings of abandonment. In fact, my x did just that at one point. At another point, she truly wanted to rekindle the relationship and actively tried to repair the damage. At still another point, she was completely indifferent to me. It really depended on what her emotions were telling her in that moment. To pwBPD, their emotions are their reality. Since emotions change based on stimuli, their reality can just as easily.

As for what you can do, that's the important question that needs to be answered. You can listen to her with empathy and not invalidate her. You can learn about your role in the relationship and commit to making changes within yourself to become a healtier person so as to not follow the same path that you did in the past.

Please do not take that to mean that I'm trying to assign blame to you for anything. That's not what I'm doing. All that I am saying is that each of us is responsible for our actions within a relationship. We can change the dynamics of a relationship by changing our own actions. It is something that we can actively do and that we are are actually in control of that can make a difference.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #16 on: May 23, 2017, 08:45:15 AM »

i think right now you are displaying strength, and while shes kind of all over the place (as she may tend to be), shes chasing a bit.

you owned your part in the relationship without blaming her. thats disarming, confident, and attractive.

you were clear a friendship is out of the question - not as a way to force her into a relationship, but for your own personal and emotional reasons. thats a boundary.

then she got drunk and spilled her guts.

so it sounds like shes conflicted. she wants you close, but not too close, and she wont take the step to commit. in the face of that, it calls for you to continue to stand strong.

how do you feel about the recent developments? any update? whats your plan, if any?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
RyanC5686

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #17 on: May 23, 2017, 09:45:47 AM »

i think right now you are displaying strength, and while shes kind of all over the place (as she may tend to be), shes chasing a bit.

you owned your part in the relationship without blaming her. thats disarming, confident, and attractive.

you were clear a friendship is out of the question - not as a way to force her into a relationship, but for your own personal and emotional reasons. thats a boundary.

then she got drunk and spilled her guts.

so it sounds like shes conflicted. she wants you close, but not too close, and she wont take the step to commit. in the face of that, it calls for you to continue to stand strong.

how do you feel about the recent developments? any update? whats your plan, if any?

So here's an update. Sunday after her calling me drunk we texted a bit. Nothing too major but then Sunday night she flipped out that I had worked on a song with another girl that lives in a completely different state. She got really mad and blocked my number. For some reason it sent me into full panic mode again and I tried talking to her and convincing her we should give it another chance. After a couple hours of me panicking again and begging her to meet up she agreed to meet up today. She said she doesn't want to but if that's what I want then she will and that it won't change anything and even if it does she won't let herself come back to me. In the past whenever we fought or broke up we would hang out and everything would be fine. I'm not sure if it'll work this time since this is the longest we've been broken up. and then last night she was posting on Twitter a lot and some depressing things like "f*** this world I just want to live in a bubble" and things like that. Then this morning I got a text from her saying let's hang out today cause she said she would let me know if she would rather hang out today or tomorrow. I'm not sure what I should do or how I should act while hanging out with her today? I was so upset with myself for letting her call me drunk and then try to basically leave me again and then going into panic mode. I wish I hadn't done that.
Logged
HelenaHandbasket
Guest
« Reply #18 on: May 23, 2017, 01:01:52 PM »

Hi again Ryan.

Panic happens, so don't beat yourself up. All you can do is get yourself back on track and try not to let it happen again next time. 

When my brother is in one of his relationship crises, I remind him to remember his guiding stars--these are the things he absolutely knows to be true.  I think it might be helpful to you to keep these guiding stars in mind too.
They are: You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect (because everyone does). You deserve to be and feel safe in a relationship (because everyone does). You deserve to be told the truth (because everyone does). You deserve a soft place to fall, a relationship where you are not constantly on edge or off balance.  Remembering these won't necessarily make your path any easier to follow, but it might at least make the path clearer.

Ask yourself: Does this person enrich my life? Am I a better, healthier person when I'm with her? Do I like the person I am in this relationship?
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!