Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:03:27 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: What a tough gig this is  (Read 422 times)
Icefog
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61


« on: May 18, 2017, 04:26:08 PM »

I have been NC with my ex BPD for 4 months now after she abruptly and without warning left after 3 years. No rationale and refuses to have a dialogue with me(not that this would help). She of course has done this to many partners, family members and friends and I am just another casualty. I am doing all I can to stop the rumination regarding her. I find it totally confounding the impact this has had on me. I am exercising all of the steps it takes to heal including therapy, accessing supports, exercise, proper sleep, proper diet and utilizing CBT and DBT techniques and still my rumination about her persists. I constantly think of her and think of how I could have done things differently knowing the result would have been the same. The facts are all there and still I beat myself up with the shoulda, coulda, woulda scenarios. Anyone out there that has any helpful tips to get in the way of my thoughts it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Logged
RomanticFool
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1076


« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2017, 04:49:58 PM »

Hi Icefog,

Sorry you're struggling. Well done on 4 months NC. That is not easy.

It once took me ten years to get over an ex girlfriend. In my case what I have discovered is that I have severe co-dependency issues. Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. ... .It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. What I didn't realise all those years ago is that what I was trying to deal with is addiction.

Some people call it love addiction. In short, what we are addicted to are the bad feelings, the drama and the sense that without this person life is boring. Nothing could be further from the truth. This woman was not your soulmate no matter how much it might feel like that. Remember feelings are not facts. It is your head telling you this because it wants its fix of love.

I have managed to kick alcohol by going to AA. The methodology there is to admit we are powerless over people, places and things, and get in touch with a power greater than ourselves, as we cannot do this alone. In order to get over my addiction to my exBPD married lover, I am treating this board as my higher power.

The rumination is happening because you think you need the fix, but you don't. You have managed your life for the last four months perfectly well from what you are saying. You are doing the right thing, by posting about the problem in here. Never sit alone with it because then, the moody period can overtake you. Get up, go for a walk, ring a friend, and you will find that this too shall pass, as we say in AA.

I also use the serenity prayer as a mantra: God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Incdentally, I am not religious in anyway. I think when AA first started it was religious but has modernised and most people in the rooms are secular and the higher power is often things like, nature or love. It doesn't matter what it is so long as it isn't you!

The other thing you must do is look at your own behaviour and emotional life. What is it in your background that makes this kind of Co-dependent relationship draw you and stay in it? What was your relationship with your mother like? Do you have any emotional dysfunction or dysregulation in your life? I find it difficult to control my anger when I get emotional. I also have an abandonment complex and have felt empty throughout my life. I can be empathically impaired when stressed. I suffer mild depression and a bit of OCD. It is said that we find partners who are our emotional equals. Understanding yourself will help you to let go.

Hope some of that is useful.
Logged

Icefog
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2017, 05:23:03 PM »

Thanks for that RF. I can certainly relate to a lot you have stated. I have done a great deal of introspection both personally and with a therapist. The comment about being without this person because it's boring certainly rings true as done the emptiness feelings and co-dependency. Its interesting because I know this woman wasn't my soul mate and we had much different values... .I don't even believe in the whole "soulmate construct". Additionally her dysfunctional behavior and lifestyle was one I couldn't subscribe to any longer... .yet I still have these feeling? I have several Mantras I use and they are comforting and help to reduce my anxiety when I am feeling lonely for her. Regarding your questions about my own behavior and personal life. My relationship with my Mother was spectacular and she was and still is totally supportive. I have experienced dysthymia most of my adult life and if I am not ruminating about this relationship it would be something else. It's been a lifelong trait that is exhausting despite the SSRI medication and CBT skills. If I look closely I have felt lonely my entire life and first recognized this at about age 18. I don't know why I feel this way but I always have... .and relationships help me not feel this way... .until they don't anymore. That is a BPD trait as well. The thing is is that I don't know how to fill that empty space up. Additionally I am attracted to BPD traits in partners although this is the first time I have really paid attention to it as I didn't recognize it. This is my third long term relationship and every one of them had these traits, more or less severe. Traits I eventually could not tolerate any longer as they were bad for my health. In all those relationships I left or disengaged for my own health. One of the things I am having a hard time accepting is that she left. I know I had no control over that but I am a great partner... .but that didn't matter. I also know its a well established pattern of hers based on past trauma, lack of parental attachment, substance misuse and maladaptive coping. I get this cognitively my heart doesn't. One of the reasons I don't contact is because I know it would be to no end and I would just hurt myself more... .now if only my head would quit hurting me. This rumination sometimes feels like a type of self harm. Thanks for your support... .as a wise friend on here said to me "sometimes even though your doing everything right you just have to let the clock tick. That is my current Mantra. Now I'm off to the golf course... .it is truly the only thing that offers me some relief at this present time. Take care all.       
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2017, 06:42:14 PM »

Hi Icefog,

I have been NC with my ex BPD for 4 months now after she abruptly and without warning left after 3 years.

There are some things that you can do to speed up your recovery, sometimes we get stuck, I don't think that you're stuck,  I see that you're motivated, good for you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I have a question did you split this January? That's not a lot of time behind for a r/s that lasted 3 years, like Romantic Fool said, this is going to take some time to put this behind you.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Icefog
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2017, 10:34:41 PM »

Yes it was this January Mutt. I am seriously motivated to get past this and am making significant gains. The mood lability and rumination is the most difficult part for me. I have put the weight I lost back on, eat well, sleep well, can focus mostly and for the most part be in the " here and now. It's a process and one I don't wish on anybody. I'm sure there's growth and happiness in the future but some moments are painful.
Logged
roberto516
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782


« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2017, 06:29:49 AM »

Yes it was this January Mutt. I am seriously motivated to get past this and am making significant gains. The mood lability and rumination is the most difficult part for me. I have put the weight I lost back on, eat well, sleep well, can focus mostly and for the most part be in the " here and now. It's a process and one I don't wish on anybody. I'm sure there's growth and happiness in the future but some moments are painful.

Agreed. Sometimes I have to remind myself of all the gains I have made. It's crazy. And all the good things happening in my life. If I choose to ignore them I'm going to feel terrible. When I look at them I feel happy. Here and now with my emotions is crucial as well. I don't focus on the facts surrounding the sadness. I just focus on the sadness. It's hard sometimes. To open the door and welcome the sadness into my home instead of shutting the door in it's face. Keep it up! I see a lot of growth in how you are speaking.
Logged

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
heartandwhole
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2017, 07:43:00 AM »

Hi icefog,

You sound on a very good path for 4 months out.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Well done for taking the reins and looking after yourself. I know there are still painful moments, and there can even be times when you feel you are sliding backward, but keep going. All this effort your are putting into your recovery is accumulating and you will reap those rewards. That has been my experience.

How are you doing with feeling your feelings?

We're here to support you over the rough patches.  

heartandwhole
Logged


When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2017, 09:00:53 AM »

I'm about three months out from my BPD husband leaving me finally and for good. He figured out early on that I have abandonment issues so he used that with great destructive effectiveness against me. He left me six times in the course of a year. I was so terribly damaged that it actually got to the point that he would stand in front of the door jangling his keys at me and I would become so distraught that I would have a high blood pressure crisis.
Our relationship was a nightmare, but the good times were amazing. The effect is one of great confusion. However, a friend of mine (I have been rebuilding the friendships he made me forsake), gave me some marvelous advice recently that has been a great comfort. She said, talking about her own former marriage, that one day she came to realize that it wasn't really her husband she missed, it was the idea of her husband. She said it took quite a bit of time but she has finally come to terms with the fact that she saw her husband in a way that really didn't support reality.
Recently, I experienced a bit of that myself. I was reading a notice about an event and my first thought was about how my husband would enjoy that and it's a shame we aren't together because that would be the kind of thing we'd attend, then, almost immediately, and entirely unbidden, the thought entered my mind that, in fact, over the almost two years we were together, we didn't actually do many of the things he told me he wanted us to do. We also didn't do most of the things I wanted to do. We actually didn't spend many weekends together. His rages and abandonment of me almost always happened on a Thursday or Friday and he would come back on Sunday or Monday. (And yes, I've finally figured out that his rages and leave-takings were orchestrated and timed so that he could carry out an affair--something that I never put together until recently because I refused to allow myself to think about it--so he got the added bonus of feeling justified and it fit with his trollop's work schedule.) If he hadn't abandoned me for the weekend, we had his daughter from his previous marriage with us. So there was no privacy and no time for our plans. The big trips that we went on--three of them--were all completely ruined by his drinking binges, destruction of property, and making terrible scenes in public places. I can't look back on any of them with joy or sweetness.
(It might be worth noting that between his marriage to his daughter's mom and his marriage to me, he was married to another woman of whom he frequently said "I felt no attraction to her at all, I just married her to take care of my kid."
So this mental image I had of us being a pair of soulmates, having a wonderful time and traveling to exotic places was all an illusion. The facts simply do not support it. In a year-and-half of living in the same house (we were together for just under two years), there were only four weekends that we spent together, alone, without a cataclysmic fight. How's that for a reality check?
The thing is, this didn't come to me while we were still together, and it has taken three months of separation for it to finally click. I wasn't ready to contemplate such a thing before, and so I didn't. I needed the exciting illusion of us to justify all of the energy I put into our relationship, the fortune I spent on it, and the terrible losses I have sustained as a result.
I think being able to see our relationship for what it really was is a sign of healing. I don't think it happens quickly, and I don't think it happens until we are ready for it. I feel sure I will experience more revelations in the months to come, and each one will bring me closer to getting well after this extremely traumatic union.
I miss him terribly. That's partly because I fell deeply in love with him--because he knows how to make people fall in love with him--and partly because of my own old wounds and feelings of never being good enough. But knowing that more and more of our painful tenure will make sense to me over time, and that it does indeed take time, if I can just manage to keep this gutting pain at bay, helps.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2017, 09:30:47 AM »

Hi Breathe066,

What your friend said about your H remind me of something that a friend told me, she said that I had to let go of my ego, I put a lot of importance into the role of being a husband, my identity was wrapped up into that role, but I was putting up with way too much, in the end the role of being a father to our kids was more important than being an H.

Hi Icefog,

I'll share with you what another moderator said to me, there's no magic pill. Hang in there.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Icefog
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2017, 02:56:29 PM »

Thank you all for your kind encouragement and suggestions. I am doing well feeling my feelings Heart and Whole. There is a great analogy that I use that was in "The Depression Map" by Randy Paterson. The chapter is called "The river" and in a nutshell its about boats going by in a river and your in the water. Each boat has a name on the side such as sadness, anger or any emotion you struggle with. Now you can try and push the boat away but that wont work, you can try and resist the current but that wont work either. The effective method is grabbing onto the boat and drifting with it for a while and being ok with that and then letting it go to swim safely back to shore. That analogy works for me and I am comfortable feeling my emotions.

Breathe 066 I can certainly relate to your comments about the "idea" of being with her rather than looking at the reality. I experienced similar. There were a lot of suggestions and no follow through on plans as she continually wanted to go to the bar because it satisfied her need for attention and stimulation. I would stay at home as at 50 the last place I would want to be is in a dive bar until 2 in the morning. When I stated that boundary clearly I said "this environment does not make me feel good about myself and I don't feel good being here" the response I received was " I love it here" basically stating to me that her behavior wasn't going to change and it didn't. She continued to go and I continued to stay home. That was one of a couple of boundaries I put in place for myself. Once I started holding firm on my boundaries and addressing her behavior she started splitting and detaching and grooming another replacement just as she did with me. When I look at the reality we had much different values and morals and hers certainly didn't align with being healthy. She is very good at portraying this or "talking the talk" and convincing people that she was spiritual, healthy, a good communicator and problem solver, and open and caring. Initially I was enamored with this however the reality behind closed doors was much different. The comments I've read regarding how persons with BPD can be high functioning, attractive, and appear competent and put together and emulate behavior and mimic what they've read without internalizing anything fits my scenario to a T.  Outwardly she presents extremely well. I know who she really is though and her past trauma, lack of attachment to anything or anyone, substance misuse, dysfunctional peer group, chronic low self esteem, anxiety, and third world living conditions tell a different story. I overlooked all of this as I obviously am a rescuer and the love bombing coupled with her attractiveness was too compelling for me to resist... .until I started getting sick after two years of being in her constant drama and dysfunctional environment. That's when I developed boundaries and that's when she started to disengage and devalue me. I attempted to address this with her but she would split as it was too fearful for her to look at. Enough about her. My focus must be on my healing and regardless of my anger at her for doing what she did I know I am healthier not being in the relationship... .now my brain has to remind my heart of that so I can fill up the lonely space that comes to haunt me at times. Take care all and be well. Were all due for better.     
Logged
heartandwhole
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2017, 03:02:07 PM »

Thank you all for your kind encouragement and suggestions. I am doing well feeling my feelings Heart and Whole. There is a great analogy that I use that was in "The Depression Map" by Randy Paterson. The chapter is called "The river" and in a nutshell its about boats going by in a river and your in the water. Each boat has a name on the side such as sadness, anger or any emotion you struggle with. Now you can try and push the boat away but that wont work, you can try and resist the current but that wont work either. The effective method is grabbing onto the boat and drifting with it for a while and being ok with that and then letting it go to swim safely back to shore. That analogy works for me and I am comfortable feeling my emotions.

I remember that analogy, icefog; I didn't remember it was you who shared it. I really like that description of feeling your feelings.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged


When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!