Looking for advice

[boothbear]

Hoping someone might be able to offer some advice. 

As far as I know she has not been diagnosed.  She has seen a therapist since childhood for other reasons that she has struggled to share over time.  She has implied there may be additional reasons, but I don't push her.  While I was talking to a close friend they asked me about her and BPD.  After looking at the characteristics, I feel she shares most traits (some intentionally not mentioned below).  As such I am here trying to learn.

We have a history that keeps repeating itself over the years.  Each time it starts with her pursuing me.  All flattery and she is needy.  Pulling me closer and closer wanting me to let my guard down and trust her.  The more I let my guard down the more withdrawn she becomes even though she says that is what she wants. 

She gets distant if I mention spending time with friends.  She gets “cranky” if I mention a female friend or female co worker in any context.   If I use gender neutral pronouns (training from my job) she always assumes women with intent.  Then suddenly she changes over night.  Starts pushing me away and issuing ultimatums and various rules.  All of which apply in one direction.  She gets very rude at times, silent treatment, criticizing, etc… (testing?)

Eventually things end with her instantly lashing out over text (at weird times, once it was middle of the day while I was at work) saying everything is my fault.  She always lists nearly identical reasons for being upset.   Such as blaming me for making her jealous, smothering her, saying I am selfish, controlling, judgemental, a list of typical job/money topics that were previously only mentioned in a good light but are suddenly stresses.

Each time she cuts off communication avoiding any sense of closure.  Typically she withdraws from everyone when this happens.  Some extended time later she reaches out to see if I am “okay.”  She tends to change appearance slightly which she wants me to notice.   Often there are other life changes she wants me to notice as well.  After reaching out she is extremely aggressive in wanting to try again.  However, she avoids anything that might lead her thinking about why she ended things previously.

We had an argument recently where she lashed out and gave the list of reasons.  I have no clue where we stand.  She has left messaging open for the first time ever, but her tone changes frequently regardless of subject.  And if the conversation goes anywhere near her thinking why she felt such things about me she lashes out and changes the subject.  Such as I asked her what I could have done to know she felt such things.  That was a huge mistake. 

If I respond quickly she tends to be more receptive.  If I take a while she gets more rude, hateful, and in some cases incoherent.  I also notice that she remembers things out of chronological order.  Often stating things that do not match what really happened.  At which point I politely excuse myself and hope she has a good day/night. 



I don’t know what to do.  All I know is I care for her greatly, and that I am worried about her.  Especially not remembering things correctly and incoherent messages at times.

I do not want to bother her if I am unwanted.  She hasn't said go away this time.  I don’t know what she wants, and she avoids saying.  Should I take a hint and leave?  Does she want me to try harder?   No way to tell and it confuses me.

Everything I read says validate feelings.  I am not good with this since I extremely logic based.  My first instinct is to point out the discrepancies.  Which only makes things worse.  How do I do this?

Are there other things I try to learn?

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[smart_storm26]

Hello friend,

Firstly you are welcome here. From what you have described I am pretty sure your girl has BPD. That's typical BP behavior. I can say this as my wife behaves the same way.

Things from your post that I can relate to my wife

"She gets distant if I mention spending time with friends.  She gets “cranky” if I mention a female friend or female co worker in any context" Haha this one very much

"Eventually things end with her instantly lashing out over text (at weird times, once it was middle of the day while I was at work) saying everything is my fault"

"I also notice that she remembers things out of chronological order.  Often stating things that do not match what really happened"

And I have some good news for you. Your girl loves you and she is not trying to manipulate you as some other BPs do. You will understand it in a minute

Also you are a lot like me. I am logic based and give important to facts more than to our feelings. We make decisions based on facts and not on feelings.

They problem with BPD people is they give more importance to feelings than facts. They can't help it. These feelings are so strong and real to them that they get swept by these and cant see the facts. This might be very difficult for you since you are logic based as was with me but I have figured out something which has helped me a lot.

So when she is upset and thinks that you dont love her and you are going for other girls blah blah... .you know that its bull___ and you wonder why can't she see for herself that you want to be with her. There's a trick here you can use. When she is upset and sending you such messages and telling you all that stuff blah blah, don't start by countering her with facts. You will do that and it needs to be done but a little later. First address her feelings because to you its stupid but to her its very real.

For example your girl rants

Your Girl: You dont care about me! You know how I feel? You always do this to me! You are no longer attracted to me!... .

Your first response: I can see you are feeling very hurt and scared that I will leave you. I didnt want to make you feel this way.

This first step from you does the magic. After you address her feelings, she will calm down and she will now be a lot more receptive to your logic. Now its time to use your logic. Steer her back to reality. So follow it up with

You after addressing her feelings: But if you see, you will notice that I do many things for you that I don't do for other girls. I do not have any doubt I love you.

Done! Don't go into much explanation. You just turned off that big switch which would have made her deaf to your logic!

You will be surprised how receptive she will be to you when you do this. If you try to explain the same logic to her without addressing her feelings, she will not listen to you and will cut you off and wont even let you finish.

Also, if she still doesn't calm down after you addressed her feelings, just politely excuse yourself saying 'I will talk to you when you calm down' and leave. Check back on her later again. You will know if she has calmed down. If she hasn't then again leave her alone for sometime.

Remember, a real man doesn't always conform to rules. Sometimes he knows how to bend rules to win!

[boothbear]

Thank you.  I am starting to grasp what you mean by validation.  Hopefully I will get an opportunity to try that approach.

I still do not know where we stand.  She checks/response more quickly now than before she lashed out at me (and may or may not have ended things).  Huge difference compared to previous times where she avoided any communication for long periods of time.  Though it is confusing since her tone still changes frequently in responses and she has stopped initiating conversations.  

However she has now started to spam snap chat stories around the times I typically have free to check my phone for messages.  (my schedule is rather predictable)  I try not to read anything into it, and avoid watching them.

It feels like a thin line to walk.  I don't know what she wants.  All I can think to do is try to show I am not running away (initiate once a day or every other day, and either a conversation occurs or it doesn't).  I also have to avoid chasing her or she will most likely withdraw even more.

[smart_storm26]

Hello friend,

BPD relationships are not easy as you can already understand.


When in a relationship with a BPD girl, its more important for the man to be in total control of himself.

Your actions should not be based on her actions. You love her? Yes. How do you want to treat her as your lover? You know that. Just do it your way and don't worry about what she is doing. Just remember the 'feeling above facts' thing.

There will be times when no matter how hard you tried (even after knowing the techniques), she might lead the situation to go out of control due to her fears and insecurities. Then simply don't accept her behavior. Call it out politely and leave. If she keeps provoking you, feel free to vent out your rage (sometimes you don't have any other option). She needs to understand that to maintain a healthy relationship she cannot continue her childish behavior forever. And she also needs to understand that it takes both to improve a relationship, not just one person.

[boothbear]

She was rude to me last week, and I've not tried messaging since.  Last week was busy/stressful enough dealing with a family event.  (she was well aware of this event)

I want to reach out but at this point I think she would view it as me giving into her control.  Even if she wanted to, I don't think her pride would let her reach out first.

[boothbear]

Even if she wanted to, I don't think her pride would let her reach out first.

This part is wrong of me to say.  I'm still getting use to the concept of it being a defensive mechanism for her.

[Rosey87]

Have you noticed anything about her other relationships were in the past? Was she serious with anyone other than you?

[boothbear]

Have you noticed anything about her other relationships were in the past? Was she serious with anyone other than you?

She once described herself as being a commitment phobe.  Also commented on how she has always been referred to as cold/distant.  I had problems understanding until I started noticing a pattern that eventually lead me to here.

She often commented on how they judged her.

I get the impression that all of her long relationships involve them cheating on her.  There is no way of knowing if this is true. 
 

[boothbear]

In the past I was always the one to reach out first.  I've held off for nearly 2 weeks, but I'm starting to wonder if I am doing the right thing in waiting her out this time.