On being ignored

[MomMae]

Sometimes I feel like I just don’t want to try anymore.  I don’t usually end up feeling better when I reach out to my basically estranged BPD dd20.  She usually just ignores any attempt at communicating with her and I end up feeling worse and basically want to disengage from life while I recover from the rejection.  It feels like death by a thousand cuts to my soul.  Then I end up feeling guilty because my husband and other two (young adult) children are not getting the wife/mother they deserve.  So I end up faking interest in life because I don’t want to be that depressing person nobody wants to be around.  I want my other two non-kids, ds22, and dd19, to want to spend time with their parents, not just do so out of obligation.
 
Yesterday and then today, I have sent two texts regarding a promised visit from her tomorrow to see if it is still happening.  She is ignoring me.  When someone chooses to ignore you, despite telling them how that feels, it is the worst.  I truly believe that ignoring someone is the cruelest form of abuse – it is basically saying that you are so unimportant you don’t even exist. 

Texting is pretty much our only form of communication and a text initiated by her is a rarity unless she wants something.  She won’t answer, return or initiate phone calls.  Texting is a terrible means of communication at the best of times, strewn with miscommunication and things taken out of context.

How do others deal with this?  I have tried texting less often and it helps for a while, but I also feel guilty because I worry she will then view it as me not caring.  I am so tired of feeling weepy whenever I think of how she ignores me.  I don’t deserve this.  But I don’t know how to break the cycle.  I feel so hollow inside.  The ache/emptiness in my chest is the worst.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jones54]

Please understand your situation is not rare. I have a 32 yo BPD daughter who blames me for all her problems in life. It was not this way in the past (she blamed her mother, my now ex wife, but now it is my turn). Please understand I am grateful at this point in her life. She is a heroin addict and has been clean for 18 months and actually is now in Graduate school to get a Masters in Social Work. But this does not stop how difficult it is when she says she hates me and blames me for all the troubles that have occurred in her life. I have spoken with a therapists that understands BPD and they best way we have to look at it is with acceptance. There are just certain things in life we may not be able to change. We can hope and pray that they will decide to get help. My daughter does see a therapists but is in denial about her BPD (she things she has PTSD from all the "trauma" I have caused throughout her life). I think deep down she understand she has BPD because she is smart enough to understand her issues and that BPD fits her (after all she is studying Social Work!). I am bothered every time she lashes out at me. Yes, it is either a text or an e-mail. That is the way she communicates with me. Since she seems to be doing better in her life (I had boundaries in the past due to her drug usage, she thinks this was abandonment by me), I want to rebuild our relationship but she now has decided that she wants nothing to do with me. I agreed to pay for her grad school tuition because I honestly want her to get ahead in life. I am grateful that she loves school and gets great grades but it is not easy to be pushed away. Maybe she just wants me for the money. I do know deep down that she loves me and I feel bad for her because she struggles with these feelings in her head. I would not want to live with her struggles with being an addict and the feelings from BPD and times of despondency. I have to accept the fact that are certain things in life I cannot control. When we all better understand this it can make life a bit easier. Unfortunately it still does not take away the worries that we have with our children, even when they become adults.

[livednlearned]

Hi MomMae,

Welcome and hello 

When someone chooses to ignore you, despite telling them how that feels, it is the worst.  I truly believe that ignoring someone is the cruelest form of abuse – it is basically saying that you are so unimportant you don’t even exist. 

I remember reading this exact sentiment in a book about verbal abuse by Patricia Evans -- the silent treatment can feel like you are being erased.

A thousand cuts to the soul is exactly how it can feel, I have felt this way too.

What kind of relationship did you have with D22 prior to the estrangement? Does she live nearby? Have you found any of the skills to be effective with her?

Does she know she has BPD?

Apologies for the bombardment of questions

These are challenging relationships and it can really take a toll on the whole family. I'm so sorry for the pain this is causing you. This kind of emotional pain really puts the ache in heart ache

It's good to share and get it out there. You are not alone.

LnL

[MomMae]

Thank you, jones54 and livednlearned for your replies.  It feels good to be validated.

To answer your questions, livednlearned... .

What kind of relationship did you have with D22 prior to the estrangement?

We actually had an excellent relationship for most of her life.  From birth, she was always an exceptionally sensitive child.  The nurse who put on her first diaper shortly after birth commented, "This one has attitude", and she certainly called it.  Even in utero I knew this baby was much different than my first born - she kicked so hard and so often it hurt.  I spent much of her babyhood whispering sweet nothings in her ear to soothe her.  She made strange with EVERYONE except me and her older brother from two weeks of age, not exaggerating.  If I went out, she would cry the entire time I was gone, even if it was her father, my husband, looking after her.  Early years were a lot of work as she had to have constant pep-talks, reassurance and repeated guidance for social interactions, but she was a mostly happy little girl and a joy to be around.  Looking back, I guess she did blame me when ever anything didn't work out for her, but it didn't seem too out of the ordinary to me, it was just the way she was.  A friend of mine often brings up how one time at her place our 5 kids combined were sliding down her slide in swimsuits with a sprinkler going at the bottom to cool off.  My daughter landed in a mud puddle, and immediately jumped up and ran over mad at me for letting that happen and had an over-the-top reaction.  It didn't seem like much to me, but my friend would often bring it up as so strange and this was long before any true extreme BPD behaviours started.  :)espite repeated guidance, she didn't and still doesn't take well to embarrassment and does not know how to laugh at herself or make light of a situation.  Instead she blames (usually me, if I'm there) and flees.

Even throughout most of puberty, our relationship was mostly good.  She loved spending time with the family, was basically a homebody, very much an introvert.  Until she started visiting the seedy and dark side of the internet.  And yes, we did EVERYTHING that experts recommend to parents.  I have always been a voracious reader of parenting advice and try to keep up-to-date on most things.  We parked our phones at night.  The only internet access was in the family room - no WIFI.  Warned of internet dangers - repeatedly.  It didn't matter.  She accessed the internet at high school, the library, anywhere free WIFI was available and even snuck downstairs at home in the middle of the night to use it.  When we discovered the horrifying things that she was doing on the internet and the sexting, we did everything possible to stop it.  She would promise with all her heart to not access the "dark" sites and then, mere hours later, I would sit online at home, watching her go on it while she was IN CLASS at school!  So I truly believe that the internet is the most guilty culprit to stealing our daughter from us.  Yes, she has BPD, but she would not have a means to learn about and mimic the most undesirable characteristics and to meet the distasteful people she is, for some reason, drawn to.  

For the past year, she has gone through three despicable guys she has met on the internet - one while she was in the locked unit at our local hospital.  They give unlimited internet access to mental health patients and don't believe in internet addiction.  We warned them of her habit of meeting strangers this way... .but they actually let one into the locked unit, a drug-dealer no less, and started telling us she wanted him to be her "support person", which they accepted until we showed them proof of his character.  They were going to have him attend a family meeting! He had misogynistic quotes, pictures and violence all over his facebook - even of women cutting themselves.  But still they validated him and his "importance" to her - a stranger!   Wow, even as I write this, I cannot believe this nightmare we have lived... .So much more to the story, as I'm sure you know.

So long and short, yes, we were exceptionally close.  Now, there is so much water under the bridge that I am skeptical when she seems "normal" with us.  It never lasts, and always results in us being terribly hurt when she turns on us/ignores us again for absolutely no reason.

Does she live nearby?

She lives about 40 minutes from us, in the boonies, in a garage at her lastest loser BF place (that his mother owns - dysfunctional family).  She has no transportation.  She wrote off her car when she rolled it in March.  Second very serious accident in 8 months.  We have told her that we can pick her up any time for a visit.  That if she needs to escape the abusive situation she can call any time or take a taxi here or to a shelter and we will pay.

Have you found any of the skills to be effective with her?

I don't believe that I have been consistently using the skills.  I do try to validate her when I can, but truthfully doing anything is very difficult when communication is by sporadic texts that you don't even know are being read.  My husband and I have been discussing "validation" and how in theory it sounds good, but in practice is not black and white in the least.  For example, what do I say when she is talking about "voices in her head" (and telling doctors about this), when I KNOW  this is just her taking on the characteristics of the schizophrenic step-dad where she lives. (she has taken on the characteristics of others, even fictional characters, since she was a child) BF's mother, with her own agenda, appears to be pushing this self-diagnosis on dd. This has NEVER come up before living there, she has never been delusional, and her worker does not believe she is schizo either.  So how do you respond to that... . I certainly do not want to validate her trying to get herself diagnosed as schizophrenic... .and I know my daughter, if I say nothing regarding self-destructive behaviours, she TAKES that as validation that I agree.  So, I admit, I do challenge her on nonsensical and destructive behaviours.  Our family worker, who is a liaison between our daughter and her worker and us, says that we should support good decisions and this is something we try very hard to do.  Our worker says we are doing a good job at this and supports me challenging some of what dd says and does.  She is still only 20, she does NEED some parental advice, as all young adults do.  To pretend that she is adult enough to not need guidance at her age is just that, pretending.  I have two other nonBPD young adult children and they both certainly still need gentle guidance as they slowly transition into independence.  

I most definitely still need to do further reading and incorporate the communication and other skills into our approach to our dd.  Like I do with most self-help, I will likely take what I can from it, and perhaps slightly tweak it for our own unique situation and the personalities involved.

Does she know she has BPD?

Yes, she knows that she has BPD and mostly accepts the diagnosis.  She is familiar with mental health issues as she studied it in college while training as a nurse.  She was diagnosed February 2016 after she made an attempt.  Unfortunately, since the diagnosis, her symptoms have only gotten worse.  Like I have mentioned, she can be a chameleon, taking on characteristics of others or that she reads about.  Her diagnosis was mainly made from her answering questionnaire at the hospital.  She told me how this questionnaire kept referring to anger issues, as did her nurse at the hospital.  She also said the psychologist kept asking about anger and did not seem to believe her when she said she wasn't angry. Truthfully, my daughter did not have any outward anger issues to speak of at that time... . Well, right after the diagnosis, the anger started, I kid you not.  It was like that now that she knew was diagnosed with BPD and that anger was a characteristic, she would damn well be angry.  One thing that we should be grateful for is that our daughter stood her ground on telling them she HAD NOT been abused.  Her dedicated nurse, in particular, was very much pushing for my husband to be an abuser.  My dd told me that nurse kept asking her about her father and abuse, and why wasn't her father visiting her, only her mother was coming.  :)d told nurse that her father WAS visiting daily, in the evening, that he worked days!  Nurse also brought up to me that daughter was likely supressing abuse issues as she felt her behaviour could only be caused by abuse! I am sure she was gauging my reaction.  So I just hope to god that my daughter does not ever decide to wield false accusations at us since she is so susceptible to manipulation and undefined characteristics.

Dd is a very intelligent and capable person.  She is a licenced Registered Practical Nurse.  She graduated last fall at the age of 19.  She had an excellent nursing position which she lost when she took up with the latest BF.  My husband has noticed that whenever my daughter is close to completing something or has an excellent opportunity, she seems to sabotage it.  Looking back at numerous examples, I think he is right.

Sorry for the long post... .I obviously have a lot to get off my chest.  My husband and I have not been perfect parents, but we have been good ones.  Our children had happy and love-filled childhoods.  I wish I could go back to those simpler times and relish every moment.  Never in a million years would I have thought this would be our life.  I wish I could go back to being the niave and optomistic person I was just a few short years ago.

Thank you, livednlearned, and to whoever takes the time to read this... .I appreciate it so much and wish you the best in your own journey loving someone with BPD.

[livednlearned]

It's a lot

No wonder you feel like weeping on a moment's notice. I would too.

My son spends a lot of time on the Internet too and there are things he has done and seen that I cannot even bring myself to relate here. His psychiatrist has helped me learn that my judgments have to be set aside if I'm to have a relationship with S15, and that has been a journey filled with no small amount of pain. His Dr. says the goal is to be effective so with his support (and my T), that's the journey we are on.

About validation, I see what you are saying. There is nothing to be gained from validating the invalid.

With my SO's uBPD D20, the best I can do with her is to try (again, very hard to do) to gently refer to consequences. D20 is the opposite of what you describe, in that she is intensely needy. I can see how challenging it must be to parent your D if she is not communicating.

It's so painful to have what are essentially emotional children running around in these adult bodies, and mental health professionals making things worse.

Letting go the dream of what we imagined for our kids is excruciatingly painful  

[Fie]

Hello Mommae 

Welcome !
I'm so sorry for what you have to go through.

I understand what you are saying about validating and not validating. I think what we always say on these boards here is that we can validate the feelings of our BPD loved one, without validating the (often not true) facts upon which those feelings are based.

F.e. : 'I can imagine you are  feeling very bad when you feel like ... .is happening'. It takes some practice, but I have noticed this can also be practiced upon with 'healthy' people, in normal conversations. So we do not validate the facts when we don't feel the facts have factual value, but we validate the feelings, because feelings are always real for the person who feels them.

When I am doing this I also try to avoid the word 'but'. Most of the times we can easily replace it by 'and'. So this becomes 'I can imagine it's very hard for you to feel like ... .And ... .' or I skip the word 'and' altogether.

Do you think this helps, do you think you could try practicing this ? It seems more difficult than it is and it's actually quite fun to do because it really does have an effect sometimes.

[MomMae]

Hi Fie! Thank you for your advice and I do understand what you are saying and will be trying to practice it more often.  Ironically, a number of years ago I was a volunteer on a now defunct local distress line and took extensive training on validation and empathetic listening without trying to problem solve.

I have actually used it quite successfully numerous times with my daughter.  It is certainly easier to use in some situations than others, and much easier to practice with someone with whom you have an arm's length relationship.

As I mentioned earlier, knowing my daughter, there are some things that I just cannot possibly validate when she says them as she will take this as acceptance and agreement.  I can validate feelings because that is based on her perception of things.  I cannot validate things I know are not true and if validated, will be or could be harmful to her.

Sometimes she doesn't like what she hears when I won't validate what she says and she ends the conversation.  But often, she was listening because she will later concur with my opinions/advice, maybe not always directly, but at least in her actions. 

So, yes, Fie, I do think your advice helps and I really must practice more validating interactions with my daughter.  I do need to try to remove the word "but" from my vocabulary as it really does negate everything that comes before it.  I will try my best and appreciate you taking the time to respond! 

MM

[Fie]

I really must practice more validating interactions with my daughter.

I don't think you *must* do anything. I think your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you who's willing to try.

[Inzen]

I think our happiness can't depend on how they communicate with us. We will have years of pain. My D is 17 and wants more time with her dad. When I give her time its never enough. Then she ignores me too. I can't let her sabatoge my life. I'm not perfect and it hurts like your cuts but I can't take it personally. I like the book The Four Agreements. It helps ground me when I feel the hurt.

[Huat]

I can't count the number of times over the span of almost 40 years now of dealing with our daughter that she has ignored us... .cut us out of her life and our grandchildren's lives.  Hurt?  My heart is so scarred!  I cringe now when I think of how we would beg for all to come to an end so we could be a family again... .and again... .and again.  Oh how we played into her hands.

Because of her escalating anger and our advancing years (mid-late 70's), we have had to turn the tables.  We have been warned that verbal abuse can turn to physical abuse.  Our bottom line is that we meet in a counsellor's office... .or we don't meet at all.  Wow!... .has this created a storm!  She is adamant that she will never go into counselling with me, her Mom.  I'm sure it doesn't take much to read between the lines on that one, huh?

Of course, all situations are different but sometimes we have to realize that "no"... .means "NO!"  So many times you will be reminded in different posts on this forum the fact that the only person who can be changed is... .YOU.  Any change in the script of one character in this play we call "life" has to change the script of the others.

My heart goes out to all of you.  Most of you, much younger than me, have so many years ahead in which to try and get it right with that child of yours.  I only wish I knew then what I know now.  The main thing is to never play the part of "victim."   That child of yours is wanting to see the fruits of his/her labour in causing you distress.   Work hard to keep your dignity as you live and learn how to better go forward.

[MomMae]

Thank you everyone for your responses, words of wisdom, encouragement and sharing of your own experiences. It helps so much! 

Huat, you are so right in saying to not play the part of "victim".  I admit I have played this role often and it does no good.  I end up feeling pathetic and invalidated and dd appears to not care about our pain/feelings at all, possibly enjoys it, when I fall into this role.

And Inzen, funny that you should mention The Four Agreements.  I just bought and read that book last month!  My daughter's brief counsellor had recommended it for her to read last year.  Of course she never finished it; she was not at all engaged in trying to help herself at that point.  I remembered glancing through it and found it enlightening so I bought it.

Dd20 did end up finally responding to me and is coming for a visit this afternoon.  It will be the first time I have seen her since Easter and her younger sister, 19, hasn't seen her since Christmas.  Fingers crossed it goes well.  MM

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Fie]

Great, if you want, let us know how that went !

[MomMae]

Thanks, Fie!  The visit from my daughter actually went very well.     It was so nice to see her and to see her and her sister interacting normally, laughing and talking.  I tried to be mindful of not invalidating things she said, and tried to show interest in her life without judgement.  She looked good, just very, very thin. She is down about 10lbs from her healthy weight.  I did have to condemn something that she told me about her BF's mother though. My daughter recently got a pet bunny and I mentioned that she should be careful about keeping the cats that also live in the household away from the rabbit.  Last I heard, they had a number of adult cats as well as a recent litter of kittens (Dd said house had cat feces throughout-gross).  Turns out there are no more cats - boyfriend's mother took them and dropped them off in the middle of nowhere! Unbelievable that people can be that cruel.  She has apparently done this with other pets, too.  So I did place judgement on that behaviour, and my daughter agreed.  Old me would have questioned why dd wants to live with such people in such conditions, but I did not.  She needs to come to these conclusions herself.  She is talking about moving back into town and says her social worker is helping her find a place.  I hope it is true, only time will tell.

[incadove]

MomMae thank you for writing this, it is exactly the reason I got on the forum today.    Glad to see you had a good visit.

I have the same pain often from my BPD daughter esp if I say anything at all critical or what she perceives as controlling (which may even include a request to talk to me about something).  Otherwise she tries to be principled and tries hard to be a good person, I think, but she seems to think its ok to ignore people in retaliation for ways of talking she doesn't like (she does this to others in the family also; but partly it may be because her birth mother is diagnosed BPD and she needs to ignore her sometimes for her own mental health). 

The one thing I've done that seems helpful, is to sort of use different channels.  I use text only for messages that I really want a reply on, and I try to keep those very factual and positive; I use facebook chat for longer messages that I want her to see, but not necessarily reply to, and email if I want to express myself but understand she may or may not want to read it.  So I am very glad that at least, if I send her a text, especially if I just ask if she is ok and let her know I really need to hear from her so as not to worry, she will at least respond briefly to let me know she is ok.  That helps a lot.  She may not respond to other things, but she will almost always respond within a day to that. 

I've gone into moderate to severe depressions twice now since she's moved out, both times as a result of the pain of feeling like being treated like nothing by someone I deeply cared about, I think next time she is behaving nicely I probably won't get as close to her again, and our relationship will gradually ease out to something more manageable. I do care about her and I know she had a lot of experiences that scarred her (some before I had her and some after), so I want to do the best I can for her, but I also have to protect myself.

It sounds like you are a very caring and thoughtful parent and knowledgable about BPD parenting, my best wishes to you and your daughter!

[Lollypop]

Hi mommae

I just wanted to join in the thread and say how wonderful that you've had such a good visit from your daughter. When things go well, it warms your heart. It really sounds as if your daughter may be moving on from her current situation.

I think you're right about validating the invalid. I find it tricky and don't always get it right. You gauged it well about the poor cats! Personally, I find the most important thing is the validation. My DS needs tons of it. It wasn't until our relationship was improved that he could hear me and listen to me. If I challenged him every single time so that I validated the invalid we'd have not got very far - I kind of sprinkle them in slowly over time. This works for me but I'm not sure if it's textbook!

You're a great mum.

LP

[MomMae]

Thank you, Lollypop.  You always come across as so calm and rational, something that I often feel that I am lacking.  Your posts are always full of wisdom, hope and insight.  It is so obvious that your words and example are a great comfort to so many others on this board, including me!   Thank you! 

incadove:

When I read your post, I just felt so validated.  The reactions you have to being ignored are basically identical to mine.  I find it very hard to just brush it off, no matter how hard I try.

its still very deeply painful to me and I keep falling into a moderate to severe depression when I have close interactions with them.  this is because of the alternation between loving and close behaviour, like confiding intimate feelings, with rejection and distance.

I read your other recent post in the Self Awareness thread and I can't believe how much your above quote also describes my situation and feelings to a "t".

I think next time she is behaving nicely I probably won't get as close to her again, and our relationship will gradually ease out to something more manageable.

This, too, is exactly how I feel, and what I have been attempting to do.  However, it is not the person I am naturally, and, of course, not how I want (dream) the relationship with my daughter to be.  So it is very hard for me.  Because I do so easily get sucked right back into being super close to her almost immediately if she is being nice.  My husband, on the other hand, closed off to this some time ago.  Perhaps out of self-preservation, or perhaps because he is better at questioning her motives or seeing the situation without rose-coloured glasses, I don't know.  It is not that he doesn't treat her with respect, love her to death and engage with her (he does) it is just that the highs and lows of alternately being optimistic and shattered have taken a toll.  It is also exceptionally hard on him when he sees me fall into the moderate to severe depression for exactly to reasons you describe in the quote above.  While I don't want to have a more distant, superficial relationship with my daughter, I know if I don't find a way to do this, I am going to shorten my own life.   

And thanks for mentioning what you have found helpful.  I have started using email as well as text to contact her.  She lives in the boonies and often claims that she doesn't always get her texts.  However, I do know when she WANTS to get them (ie, she is doing the one contacting because she needs a favour) she can get them immediately, so I usually no longer believe her.  (This is part of my problem, too.  It seems that I have a very poor lie-detector and if there is a sliver of plausibility, I will find it... .) So this is partially how the emailing started, because she does have consistent internet access that she can't deny.  I am not on facebook, I have been meaning to and will now sign up just for the messaging aspect, just as you describe.   

As an aside, I personally have steered clear of social media sites such as Facebook, as it is my belief that the constant self-comparisons to other people's brag-posts, and seemingly perfect lives can have negative mental health repercussions even on otherwise mentally-healthy individuals.  I think these days that it is so hard for young people, as they don't have the life experience and introspective to rationalize that these carefully choreographed snippets of others' lives do not represent the full and true picture.  People can feel they never measure up and also feel false when they try to embellish their own lives to try and keep up.  I am so grateful it wasn't around when I was young or I know I would be a totally different and unsatisfied/unhappy person. Just my opinion, not placing judgement on those who enjoy it. 

Back on topic,  , I am also similar to you, incadove, in that I want to deal with my own emotions/state of mind without chemicals.  I have one friend who was quite insistent that I should go to my doctor for anti-depressants, but I know that how I feel is 100% situational based, so I do not want to take a pill.  It will not change my circumstances.  I need to learn how to deal with my new lot in life through my own reactions and behaviour.  I wish we could afford a therapist, as I know I would benefit from this, but that is out of the question. I am relatively good at practicing CBT on myself, as this is something I have done instinctively my entire life, I just didn't know it had a name until recently.  Self-medicating with alcohol, etc., is something I would never do, as I know, for me, it would just lead to further depression and problems.

Again, I want to thank EVERYONE who has replied on this thread.  Nothing feels better than being heard.  What a wonderful bunch of people post here!   I wish our loved ones with BPD could truly feel and understand all the love and compassion that surrounds them.     

[atmywitsendtoo]

Hi Mommae,

You replied to my thread a while ago about my 27 year old pregnant daughter and I just replied to your reply and others.

I am so very sorry for how badly you are feeling and I wish there was something I could say or do.

My daughter ignores me and she has from the word go. When she was little I could not teach her anything because she just would not listen to me. I couldn't teach her how to play a board game or how to make cookies or anything without it turning into an very unpleasant event. If my daughter was upset and I tried to comfort her by holding her she would scream "don't touch me". If I tried to express interest in her thoughts she would not respond to my attempts at conversation. When I picked her up and held her her arms went limp, not holding or hugging me in return. When she was a bit older and I would ask her questions about her day or what she did in school she would say "none-ya" which was short for "none of your business". My daughter has been rejecting me since she was old enough to react to another person, and yes it was very very sad and depressing. I became seriously depressed and went around in a fog with a heavy heart. I started mourning the loss of the daughter I imagined she would be before she was. When I was pregnant with her I imagined all sorts of things I would teach her and do with her but none of that turned out to be possible and I suffered as those dreams died.

As she rejected me relentlessly I started to detach. As awful as it sounds there are now times that I wish my daughter would take off and live her crazy life without me there to witness it, without the pain caused by watching each wrong turn she takes. You feel bereft if you do not hear from your daughter. Not so long ago I felt at peace when I did not hear from mine. I think the difference is that you were once close to your daughter and are mourning the loss of that closeness. I on the other hand -  despite my tenacious efforts - have never been close to my daughter.

Even though she is pregnant and has nowhere to go I have come very close to kicking her out because I want to live in peace in my own home. As awful as it sounds not hearing from my daughter would be a relief - if only there was not now an innocent baby to worry about as well.

While I was mourning the loss of the daughter I dreamed I would have, I found a very good doctor and I started taking antidepressants. After all my daughter inherited her vulnerability to mood disorders. My father was bipolar and I have struggled with depression my whole life.  The antidepressants  - that I started in my thirties - worked wonders and I would not go off them for anything. No side effects, no problems, just much less depression.

I know what it is to feel the rejection you are going through and I hope your heart starts to heal sooner rather than later.

Wishing you the best,

atmywitsendtoo

[Lollypop]

As awful as it sounds there are now times that I wish my daughter would take off and live her crazy life without me there to witness it, without the pain caused by watching each wrong turn she takes.

Hi

Atmywitsend:

This resonated with me. It's not crazy at all, it's rational. I felt this way too and accept that I may well do again in the future. I think that by me getting back to basics and focussing on my core relationship as my main priority helped me accept our situation. We do now have a better relationship, despite the problems. I've somehow become detached from that pain for most of the time and it's a relief. This has come from looking outwards and starting to live my own life. I hope that motherhood can positively change your personal relationship with your daughter.

Mommae:

Rejection is like a knife. It's understandable as we have an innate need to protect and we've put so much emotional investment into our adult kids. Me and my H are at different stages too. "We all are doing our best, we can all try a little harder." It's my mantra. I agree with you about social media! When times get really tough I sometimes take St Johns Wort for a month or so as it helps lift my mood. Keep on posting, it really does help.

Hugs

LP

[incadove]

Mommae thank you so much for replying and identifying with my feelings.  I wish I had read your post first last night, I didn't handle things well.  At least I know my feelings are normal, but I do have to learn to manage them better.  It will be ok, I just said something bitter and then apologized, but I shouldn't have done it in the first place.  I need to be happy with myself first and I can only do that if I behave in a really principled and positive way, so I need to do that for myself as well as for her.

Thanks and you and everyone on here give me hope I can get through this and grow and be a warm, loving and safe in myself person if I can learn enough.