BPD partner in rehab. 3months in, now angry and blaming.

[markinlondon]

Hi everyone, my first post.

My wife and I have been together 10 years.  She was diagnosed BPD 4 years ago.

She has been having addiction problems of various sorts plus bulimia since the age of 11. She had alcoholic parents who taught her to deal with stress with substance.

I have given so much. I left work, a very good job because she could not cope at home with the children. Couldnt even pick them up from school 5 mins away. Her daughter also has diabetes and behaviour issues. we also have 2 boys 15 and 7. The 7 year old is our child, the other boy and girl are from her previous.

well fast forward till now. She developed a severe gambling habit 4 years ago, extreme online slot machines. She sold everything, scammed online, she was caught and sentenced. 3 months later she was at it again. Then add cocaine into that to get slim from binge eating.  Sleeping with men in cars, unprotected sex to fund her gambling and drug habit. whilst I was looking after the kids, and desperately trying to get funding for rehab. Its been truly awful.

She has now been in rehab 3 months.  The first 2 months were really good for her and me. frequent calls, really bright and positive. lovely letters saying how she valued our family and our relationship.

well month 3 and it has all gone bad.  she has started blaming me for her addictions. says she wouldnt be on drugs if it wasnt for me.

She rang and wanted me to pick her up and take her home, of course I refused, so she went mad!   says she wants me out the house, she wants to live alone because I cause all this. I asked how, she cant give specifics except I am controlling because I asked her to get part time work to help with bills, about 6 years ago!

Now she wont talk to me, im the enemy. Im the cause of it all. Even though she has had addictions for 30 years. If im not in her life she wont be an addict.

Now like most here, I love my wife, i worked so hard to get her to rehab.
She did say to her parents she is scared of me not wanting her to come home, which of course is not true. I just dont want her home using drugs or gambling. The rehab is 1 year long.

Meanwhile I am looking after the kids, on very little money, lots of stress and just feeling terrible.

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[Mutt]

Hi markinlondon, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through, I can understand not getting help with the kids is a lot of stress.

I think that when she said that she wanted you out of the house and projected that you're the cause, ishe probably feels a lot of shame for leaving rehab early, some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder a pwBPD have chronic feelings of shame, low self worth and low self esteem.

I'm glad that you joined the group, it helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You're not alone. You can find the lessons on the right side of the board. Is she still mad?

[markinlondon]

Hi markinlondon, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through, I can understand not getting help with the kids is a lot of stress.

I think that when she said that she wanted you out of the house and projected that you're the cause, ishe probably feels a lot of shame for leaving rehab early, some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder a pwBPD have chronic feelings of shame, low self worth and low self esteem.

I'm glad that you joined the group, it helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You're not alone. You can find the lessons on the right side of the board. Is she still mad?

Thanks Mutt, yes, still very much angry, she is still at the rehab,  but is not calling now. The rehab are not helping either, they have not contacted me.

she just blames me for her addictions. Of course I know this is not true, she has had a circle of addictions since 11.

It just hurts me so much when she truly believes that it is my fault. She has been so hateful recently in calls, I know this must be withdrawal too, but she paints me as the enemy so much Im afraid she will start truly believing it inside.

[Meili]

I want to echo what Mutt said about projecting and shame.

It's far easier to blame another than it is to accept one's own faults. When you add the intense emotions that a pwBPD feels, this only serves to ramp the projections up.

[Mutt]

Hi markinlondon,

I know it hurts, I was in your shoes once, what we suggest is to read as much as you can about the disorder. When someone is diagnosed with a serious mental disorder it's suggested to read up on it, because when you become knowledgeable about it, it normalizes your disorder.

BPD is a persecution complex, the person believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others and not because of choices, impulsiveness, etc... .Her mental disorder is not personal, it's something that she's going through at that time, she's projecting her actions because it causes her anxiety / stress, healthy coping mechanisms are impaired. You can learn to depersonalize the behaviors and become indifferent to them, you neither hate it or like it.