Accusations that I'm damaging my children

[Ulysses]

So I'm posting in case anyone has experience with this, and also because I find it helps me sort out my thoughts.

exH(NPD/BPD) only communicates via email that he shares with his wife (who of course he cheated on me with).  I have used BIFF communication to state my preference that she not send me emails unless it's an emergency and he's unavailable.  But she continues.  

She has emailed me in the past with criticisms of my parenting choices.  I address (to H) if there's an issue with the parenting plan, otherwise I ignore.  I take it to my therapist, as well, if it upsets me (which it doesn't much anymore).

ExH wife generally seems to get angry when I communicate about my children, or when I stand firm in sticking to the parenting plan (e.g. telephone access to my children; vacation schedules).  I try to follow BIFF and sometimes I revert to avoiding confrontation by deciding to just ignore the emails, if there is no issue that needs to be worked out.  The emails are from their joint account and "signed" by both, however, at this time I'm able to see which device the email comes from and can tell if it was sent from hers.  So, technically the email comes from him or both of them, but she is the sender.

ExH's wife has most recently (yesterday) accused me essentially of having Munchausen's and telling my children they're sick when they're not.  The facts that she states, going back 2 years, are incorrect.  I contacted my attorney and was advised to respond to correct the facts.  They accuse me of  harming my children's mental health.  

They accuse me of making S13 worry about health issues.  S13 hears what his diagnosis is and immediately goes online to read about it.  I don't encourage and I do listen to him talk about it.  As an example, he came down with a high fever in Central America on a school trip, and by the time he came home he knew the five tropical diseases common to that area, had compared his symptoms, felt there was a small chance he could have had one, but that most likely he didn't have any.  I didn't think he had any tropical disease, but of course I took him to the doctor because he came home from traveling with a fever and other symptoms.  It feels so convoluted for me to feel I need to justify my parenting decisions.  

I've been doing more reading yesterday and today about the drama triangle and how to step out of it.  I don't want to try a response that starts with, "Gee, you might have a point there," because she does not have a point.  That old FEAR has popped up because I'm quite concerned they're going to take away my children.

Any feedback on approaching this is appreciated.  

As an aside, my S13 does have some health issues.  His doctor has diagnosed him with 3 things in the last 2 years, one of which he dropped/changed along the way.  S13 has some structural/bone abnormalities, one of which has caused his heart to move.  We were referred to a children's surgeon and he will have surgery in a few years.  Surgery requires opening his chest somewhat and inserting a metal bar, to be kept there for a few years.  Most recently, his doctor referred us to a specialist for a congenital issue that, if S13 has, will likely require accommodations in his life (e.g. limited physical exertion/no contact sports, possible medication for his heart).  This is the same congenital issue my OBGYN asked me if my exH had, the first time he met him.  ExH was offended that the OBGYN thought he might have it and later commented to me, "I'm not ugly like X, who had it" (the condition can have physical characteristics that are easy to spot once you know about it).  When a psychologist told us he thought S13 (then 5) had Asperger's, exH's response was to shout, "NO!" at the psychologist.  So I think it's safe to say we approach things differently.

We disagree on a lot of parenting approaches, but to accuse me of harming my children's mental health feels difficult to deal with, emotionally and legally.

[david]

It sounds like S13 is more aware of his medical condition and is learning from it. He went on a trip and got sick. He looked it up and decided it wasn't serious. Sounds like a smart kid.

My ex used to say I had a drinking problem when she first ran away and used that as one of her reasons. We got married in the early 90's. We had it in our backyard and had an open bar. I purchased all the alcohol I knew my friends liked for the occasion. When she ran away in 2007 I realized our second refrigerator was filled with the alcohol from our wedding. I emptied it all down the sink and threw all the bottles out for recycling. Ex took pictures of the recycling container to prove I had a drinking problem. Neighbors told me she would come to the house when I was at work.

Around 2009 I took the boys to the Baltimore Aquarium. We went to a restaurant and had seafood for lunch. I had a beer. We then went back and walked around the aquarium for about 4 more hours. We then had dinner. I had no alcohol at that time. When it was time to go home our youngest expressed concerns that I should not be driving under the influence. He was around 10 at the time. I listened and explained how alcohol works and that my blood alcohol level was non existent by now. I also went on about how it was a good idea to question me and that he should never get in a car with someone that he thinks should not be driving for whatever reason. I am not sure if his concerns came from what his mom was saying prior but I thought it might have been.

[takingandsending]

Hi Ulysses. It must be really difficult, frustrating and painful to be accused of harming your son. But you laid out the facts pretty clearly, which is what you should do if it ever comes to court. I think you probably have pretty good medical records regarding your son's diagnosis for congenital heart issue. I would recommend the following:

1. Get a second opinion from another doctor if you haven't already done so. You may have already done this, as the surgery you described is not trivial. Likewise for the heart specialist. These are prudent steps, regardless.
2. You mention being afraid of having your children taken away. The hardest part in these attacks is fighting the fear that the abusive spouse is going to continue to harm us through preventing access to the children. That FOG still get us, long after the pwPD is mostly out of our lives. You know that your ex-spouse is operating off of feelings=facts. But in court, facts=facts, particularly if you have the documentation that supports those facts. Make sure you document their assertions and collect the facts that you have around the issue. If you have been the primary person taking the children to doctor's appointments, administering medicine when sick and listening to doctor's opinions/suggestions/diagnoses, ask for those records of visits from their office and come in with the evidence that supports the facts that you are a normal, involved and responsible parent.

[Ulysses]

David, that's pretty far out that your exW took photos of your recycling.  I like the validating response you gave your S10.  I am going to reflect on that and see how I can apply it to my S13 if I ever need to.  S13 is quite intelligent and enjoys reading and researching, so I don't think it's unusual for him to read about his fever, or a diagnosis a doctor gives to him.

TalkingandSending, thanks for the response.  I knew that new issues would come up in divorce, and thanks to this site and other things I've read, I knew that sometimes pwPD will try to take away the children, or act in a way that could provoke that fear in the other parent.  I knew I was upset when I received the email and I've taken time to step away from it and observe it from some distance.  Your comment about the feelings=facts is a good reminder for me in understanding perhaps where the email comes from. 

I wanted a mental health evaluation of both of us when I filed for divorce but it didn't happen for various reasons.  When I took time to think about it, I realized that if he continues to say he's concerned about this, I could ask the court for a mental health evaluation for both of us.  I usually ignore emails from him/wife like this, unless there is a parenting issue to respond to.  Even then I don't address their criticisms.   

I hadn't thought about a second opinion on the surgery since the symptoms are so clear and my S13 said he wants the surgery.  I do want a second opinion on the congenital issue since that diagnosis can be a little more nuanced.  There is nowhere in our region to get a second opinion from a specialist - we would have to travel two states away.  However, exH is traveling East with the children this summer on his vacation.  I asked in an email if he could get a second opinion since he will be within 30-50 miles of two different major clinics/univ hospitals that have specialists in this field and are both world-class facilities.  The university hospital is at his alma mater.  He said a second opinion isn't necessary and that I was trying to ruin his vacation.  Then he (the wife) proceeded to criticize my parenting.  So much for dialogue.

[Panda39]

I hadn't thought about a second opinion on the surgery since the symptoms are so clear and my S13 said he wants the surgery.  I do want a second opinion on the congenital issue since that diagnosis can be a little more nuanced.  There is nowhere in our region to get a second opinion from a specialist - we would have to travel two states away.  However, exH is traveling East with the children this summer on his vacation.  I asked in an email if he could get a second opinion since he will be within 30-50 miles of two different major clinics/univ hospitals that have specialists in this field and are both world-class facilities.  The university hospital is at his alma mater.  He said a second opinion isn't necessary and that I was trying to ruin his vacation.  Then he (the wife) proceeded to criticize my parenting. So much for dialogue.

I hope that was in writing!  That's a keeper... .You just showed concern for your son's medical condition and he just blew it off... .so much for putting the needs/wellbeing of your son first.

I would take time responding to these emails maybe take 24 hours, and then really look at them do they require a response?  Is there something legitimate there about your son or is it trash Ulysses' time?  Since you can tell where the messages are coming from maybe you set a boundary... .coming from the ex's wife don't ever respond to those, only respond to legit emails from your ex and nothing else.

I want to echo takingandsending on being in the FOG, my SO was worried about much the same things you are and he too constantly had his parenting criticized by his uBPDxw. It wasn't until he stopped buying into that, that things started to turn around.  Once he had confidence in his parenting, her criticism had no power anymore... .he was not doing anything wrong... .he might not have been doing things the way she wanted them done but there was nothing wrong with how he raised his daughters.  I think this is when he shifted to more of a parallel parenting style vs co-parenting style.  He did things his way at his house and she did things her way at her house.  

And be on the look out for all the contradictory craziness (like I highlighted above - I'm the concerned parent oh ya unless a vacation is involved)... .My SO's ex accused him of feeding his daughters junk, she had the girls report back to her what was in the fridge.(Apparently having Raspberry Sorbet is a crime where the ex comes from   So she had locked on to this fixation about what they ate at dad's house.  Then at a dermatology appointment she took the girls to for acne, she was apparently told by the Dermatologist that the girls had dark rings around their necks that could be a precursor to diabetes.  Well this crazy stuff whether really told to her or interpreted that way by her made the food fixation even worse. Then came Easter (now mind you she's Jewish and it's super important that the kids be raised as Jews... .but I digress) and she sent those girls home from a visit with her not with Easter Baskets with candy in them but with at least 10 large bags of Easter Candy!   All my SO had to do was snap a picture of what was brought home that day... .that's the day the food/diabetes fixation stopped.  But as we all know there is always something else to focus on and blame other people for   Did you know that my SO's kids have every disease known to man? 

Panda39

[Ulysses]

I hope that was in writing!  That's a keeper... .You just showed concern for your son's medical condition and he just blew it off... .so much for putting the needs/wellbeing of your son first.

Yes, it's all in emails.  I can keep, sort, file, but I continue to ask myself, to what end?  What do people do with these collections of crazy emails?  It's not like I'm going to file to take the kids away from him.  I do think he's got some behaviors and beliefs that harm the children, but I don't think it's enough to give me more parenting time.  I guess it's useful if I need to defend myself.  It also helps me see patterns and fit pieces together over the long run.

I would take time responding to these emails maybe take 24 hours, and then really look at them do they require a response?  Is there something legitimate there about your son or is it trash Ulysses' time?  Since you can tell where the messages are coming from maybe you set a boundary... .coming from the ex's wife don't ever respond to those, only respond to legit emails from your ex and nothing else.

Yes, I'm taking my time to respond.  I've previously emailed a few  times, in a BIFF-y manner, regarding my preference that wife not email me directly except in cases of an emergency when exH is unavailable.  The response is that they're a married unit, she's part of the children's lives, and I can't deny that (which of course I never denied or even addressed in my BIFF-y request).  My L says there's nothing I can do.  So internally I've set my boundary and I've done just what you suggest, which is if it comes from her, I don't reply unless absolutely necessary.  I address all emails to exH. 

I am replying to this latest email on the advice of my L.  There are incorrect facts that he uses to support his accusation that I have a pattern of telling the children they're sick when they're not.  One is his (wife's) statement that D, when 6, had a twisted ankle and I made her wear a brace.  She actually was diagnosed with a 2nd degree sprained ankle.  The doctor said the brace helps with pain, and D wanted to wear it.  She was also prescribed exercises that she was supposed to do "for months, or even a year," so the ankle would heal correctly.  The funny thing about that situation was that  my S, then 11, read about ankle injuries, "examined" his sister's ankle, and told me he thought she had a 2nd degree sprained ankle.  When my daughter continued to complain about the pain, I took her to the doctor.  Without knowing what her brother had said, the doctor diagnosed her with the same thing. 

Another time I emailed exH that I thought D had an ear infection.  Ex H and wife said no way.  Even after they picked her up that evening they said no, I was wrong, it was just the end of a cold.  I was worried about my daughter but didn't reply.  The next morning they emailed that they think D has an ear infection, and can I take her to the doctor since they both have full-time jobs (I work a few part-time  jobs right now, and am a full-time student). 

So this all feels ridiculous and I wouldn't even respond if they weren't stating incorrect facts.  I just want to make sure I respond without delving into the drama of it all, and focus on solutions if there are problems.

Contradictory craziness - yes, I like that.  I think keeping track of these issues and emails help sort out that there are issues that feel contradictory and/or crazy. 

What is it with pwPD and food issues?  I have also taken pictures.  My D8's lunchbox remains indicate he packs her a normal size candy bar, chips (e.g. doritos), fruit snacks, cookies, and fruit.  No protein, no drink.  That's it for her lunch many days.  There's nothing I can do to change it, but having concrete evidence has been helpful when I begin to feel doubt about my parenting skills after receiving an email criticizing my decisions.

Thanks for your responses.  This is helpful to get feedback when I'm reflecting on this.

I know that I'm not perfect and I make mistakes with parenting and also with interacting with exH.  There doesn't seem to be grace to allow room for mistakes.  There are plenty of things I vehemently disagree with exH about regarding our children but I don't send emails accusing him of abusing our children's mental health.

[david]

I have over 7000 emails from ex. Many show the crazy I am dealing with. I save them all in case I have to go back to court again. Courts are only interested in the last 6 months or so. However, if I need to show that and then the pattern that goes back ten years I can.
Sometimes I go back a few years and read a few. It brings back memories that used to upset me. Now I get a good laugh.
The emails have helped me when ex was taking me to court a lot. Once I started "winning" she lost interest in dragging me to court.
I noticed the more I listened and validated our boys the more they began to open up. I developed a trust with them. They also knew that I didn't dismiss them or go on a rage if they did something "wrong" like at their moms. Also, they never knew what the "wrong" was until she exploded.
It helped defuse the alienation tactics my ex used and it actually backfired on her because they figured out that I was doing what I thought best for them. The trust was a big deal. Ex still goes on rants against me when the boys are with her. They believe little that she says.
Asking for a second opinion is a great idea. I have two friends that are docs and that topic has come up. They both think it is important especially when you are talking surgery.

[DarcyNeverGiveUp]

This is ironic. I've just joined this group and you've already responded to one of my messages but I've had a very similar issue to this recently...
My xHs girlfriend recently sent an email to me, xH and my d11 psychologist. Implication was Munchhausen by proxy. D11 has food intolerances - xH doesn't comply with dietary requirements. XHgf suggested that d11 is heading for eating disorder because of completely unwarranted focus on food issues (which were incidentally suggested to be valid by dietician during single appointment last year that xH attended). Goes on to suggest d11 is stealing "forbidden" foods and lying about them (D11 has verbally got no filter so pretty much gives a verbatim account of what she's fed there which they're trying to negate by painting her as a liar). Ends by recommending specialised psychological counselling for both parents - but because she's with xH implication is I'm the problem
Luckily d11 psych gave it very short attention - didn't reply because I wouldn't give permission. Spent a session with daughter establishing highly unlikely risk of eating disorder. When she suggested to xH that she wouldnt  be pursuing it but if he was genuinely concerned he should book in for he and I to meet with dietician again, he pretty much cut her off. So it was resolved and I didn't reply - but took two weeks from receiving email to meeting with psych and they were very stressful weeks no matter how much I tried not to let them be...
I have also been journaling and collecting emails and sometimes it feels pointless. But one day if I take him to court I now have a pattern of him first insisting he'd see to her dietary needs, then for several months denying he wasn't complying, then denying his gf was involved in any food choices or food recommendations for d11, and now his girlfriend suggesting there are no food issues. And this is without consulting the dietician or paediatrician. So it's taken 18 months but patterns are emerging. Documenting is a chore  (as is the extra leg work and expense associated with second opinions ) but I started it after reading Splitting and I'm hoping eventuality will pay off... .

[david]

I was in court once and ex was on the stand. She was fabricating a story that was an outright lie. I had no proof that it was a lie and sat there listening to the bs. I got an idea. I handed my attorney a blank piece of paper and just said she was lying. My ex could see what I was doing. She had no idea the paper was blank. Miraculously she recanted what she had just said and corrected herself on the stand. Learning how to play the game takes many different forms.

[david]

Another time ex filed a protection order against me. It was the second of three. I was having a problem seeing our boys school work. Our order had me picking the boys up at her place and she wouldn't let them take their school bags with them during that time. They were 6 and 10 at the time and she had control over them.
I told my attorney to suggest I pick the boys up at school instead of her place. This eliminated her fear of me since I would be miles away from her. The judge liked the idea and asked ex what she thought. She basically had to agree and did. I told my attorney I needed a paper saying so right then and there so my attorney wrote the order in court with all the legal headings etc. The judge looked it over  and handed it to ex to sign. She did. I signed it and then the judge signed it.
I went to pick the boys up the next day and was told by the school I was not allowed without exs' expressed consent. I handed them a copy of the order. They questioned it because it was hand written. I told the school they needed to give my 75 dollars and I would go to court and have them type it out. If not then I said they could fax the copy I gave them to their legal dept. It took about 10 or 15 minutes but I walked out with both boys and their school bags.

[Ulysses]

Gosh, there are similarities.  DNGU, please give your children lots of hugs and love. 

Yes, document.  I have documented but need to start sorting/filing, etc. in order to have things ready if I need them. 

I wrote a response, which my L said is fine.  My T saw the response and told me I could just send the last paragraph.  I'm concerned with setting the record straight because of their accusations.  My T indicated I don't need the nice part (trying to use SET regarding accusations I'm trying to ruin their vacation). 

So here's what I'm probably going to send:


Regarding your concerns about my parenting that you expressed, I feel I need to respond because your facts are incorrect, and you are trying to use those facts to say that I am emotionally harming my children.  More specifically:

1.  D8 did not twist her ankle, contrary to your statement.  She was diagnosed by her pediatrician with a sprain. 
2.  I have never told the children they have a fever when they do not.
3.  I have never told the children they are sick when they are not.
4.  I’m not clear on what you refer to as my “insistence” that S13 is autistic.  Please feel free to provide more specifics so that we can address any potential problems.
 
ExH, there is no pattern of me telling the children they are ill when they are not.  Further, I disagree with you that expressing my belief that a second opinion is a benefit to S13, is emotionally harmful.  If you want to discuss co-parenting issues further, I am happy to address your concerns in sessions with you, with a counselor we both agree on.