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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: My uBPD married lover attempted suicide  (Read 497 times)
RomanticFool
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« on: June 09, 2017, 08:30:32 AM »

My ex girlfriend contacted me recently to say that she had tried to take her own life. I don't know whether it is a cry for help or whether she meant it. I haven't seen her for a while and I have been trying to get on with my life. She told me when we were together that she had tried to do it before.

I don't know whether she has Borderline Personality Disorder but during our relationship much of her behaviour was impulsive and she would often go silent on me for weeks at a time.

I feel guilty that she may have done this because we are no longer together. She would never admit that to me but the fact she contacted me means she wanted me to know.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2017, 09:13:51 AM »

Hi RomanticFool

You're right to be disturbed by this news.  I have felt the same way for the same reason.  My ex is still making it known to me indirectly that he continues behaving in this way (he does make attempts, has done research online into methods and has taken countless overdoses.  For a while he toyed with the idea of throwing himself off a bridge.  He then began getting hypodermics from pharmacies and mixing cocktails to inject himself with).  It is a sickening feeling and one that makes you feel both guilty and desperately out of control.  Have you been apart for long and when she contacted you what was your response if any?

In this situation whatever the reason we must take them seriously that they are in that frame of mind, whether it's an attempt at manipulation or not.  If you are no longer involved with this woman and don't wish to re engage, do you know if she has close friends or family who would also be aware of this and able to support her?  Is it likely that she would seek help from medical and or mental health professionals regards her state of mind?  The best support you can offer is to suggest that she seek this help if she hasn't already.  You are not I presume a professional at dealing with suicidal people and it takes someone who is to help her through this.  Regardless of her reasons for making an attempt.  It's quite possible (knowing little about your history with this person) that she is trying to reach out to you for support or attempting to manipulate you emotionally towards a reconciliation.  First decide what you want and don't want and hold strong to your boundaries.  Behaviour like this can spiral if the person believes that the threat of an attempt will get them what they want out of a situation, just speaking based on my own experience of it.  Ultimately they need to speak to someone on a crisis team so she needs to be pointed in that direction.    

Please remind yourself that you are NOT responsible for another person's actions.  Only they are.  I realised this and it made me feel less guilt about my exBPDbf's behaviour towards himself.  I won't comment more as I don't have much history to go on so would be making assumptions but I hope that something I have said has helped.  I went through emotional hell with my ex and was pushed way past my limits.  Wouldn't wish that on anyone.  It's only human to be concerned about her well being and safety but don't go back on anything you've firmly decided if that is what she is angling for.  It will not help either of you in the end.

Love and light x  
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« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2017, 10:43:03 AM »

Hi RomanticFool,

If you are no longer involved with this woman and don't wish to re engage, do you know if she has close friends or family who would also be aware of this and able to support her?  

That's upsetting news to hear that your ex is feeling suicidal, I'd just like to add to what Harley Quinn said about your exe's support network, does she have a bf that can offer her support? How did you break-up?
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« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2017, 11:09:21 AM »

Hey RomanticFool, Compassion is one thing, but guilt is another.  In my view, you can't take on responsibility for another person's life.  I would argue that, as her Ex, you can't be her support network.  I suggest empathy, without any need to take steps "to save" this person.

LuckyJim
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2017, 11:18:46 AM »

Hi RomanticFool,

Something I forgot to mention about my own situation is this.  :)espite my ex making sure I'm aware he's still making attempts, whether with real intention or not, I have not broken the NC I put into effect 3 months ago by responding to his messages.  I passed him the other day and see he is alive and well after he has had the ambulance service and police mobilised on at least 2 occasions I know of.  It is not something I allow myself to worry over any more.  I'm not without compassion, but I now focus on giving that compassion to myself.  One of us had to.

Love and light x
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2017, 06:11:12 PM »

Thank you everybody for your comments.

Just a little background. We had a long distance relationship for a few years but saw each other enough to form a strong bond. We went through the love bombing stage a while ago now and after that everything became about her. I got kind of tired of only focussing on her needs and never giving any attention to what I needed and so I walked away. We haven't seen each other for four months.  It hurt because I really loved her but time is proving that it was the right thing to do. I don't know if she has met anybody else but she says she hasn't. Not sure if I believe her.

She hasn't told me exactly what happened and I haven't quizzed her. The on,y thing she told me is that she is under sedation. I asked her whether she was at home or in hospital and she didn't reply. However, I saw on her WhatsApp today that she has been on it today, and the last time was at 23.47, so I don't know what to believe. I am trying to be supportive because if it is true she will need help and support. I told her that I loved her and I hope she was alright.

Harley Quinn, you have been very helpful. I don't really know how much is truth and how much is manipulation but if I take her at her word then it makes me very concerned about her. Every time I leave messages for her she replies briefly and today didn't reply at all. For all I know she could have somebody else and I'm being kept in reserve. If she doesn't reply tomorrow then I will leave it.

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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2017, 07:13:06 PM »

Hi RomanticFool,

Glad something I said was useful.  Just food for thought... .Would you have been saying the same things to her and having the same level of contact if it weren't for the fact that she told you what she did?  If so then fair enough.  If not however, just be careful what precedent you may unwittingly set due to your concern about her current emotional state and take it from me, tread lightly.  Look after yourself.

Love and light x
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2017, 07:29:10 AM »

Hi Harley Quinn,

No, I wouldn't have and I know much of what she is doing now is through anger because I walked away and triggered her abandonment fears.

She messaged me this morning to say that I won't want to hear this, but I have driven her to where she is now. I find that particularly hard to hear because there were so many times where she wouldn't speak to me. In the end I walked away because the r/s was too chaotic and messed up. Last night I told her that I cared about her well being. She replied with the above and said that she won't come back unless my behaviour changes. She also repeated something that I said to her once, 'if you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got.' I read somewhere that BPDs often copy what you have said to them. I do feel for her because she is clearly in a bad place but I don't know how much of this is true and how much is manipulation.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2017, 07:50:14 AM »

Hi RomanticFool,

I'm going to be very honest with you.  Reading your message I had a very familiar creeping sense of unease.  I tend to trust my gut and the anxiety that is sitting there now is warning me that I must tell you this sounds a lot like how things started to spiral for me with my ex.  The first attempt seemed so isolated and when we had moved on from it I thought it was behind us.  Little did I know it was only the beginning.  He then held all the cards and this extreme behaviour only worsened rapidly.  Before long I'd lost count of our visits to A&E and I can remember so vividly the day he walked into my kitchen looking so pleased with himself and announced he was going to start self harming.  I was in total shock.  Soon we were back in the hospital with massive self inflicted wounds from his out of control behaviour during one of his rages where he grabbed a kitchen knife and sliced his arm open.  When the emergency services arrived I was literally covered in his blood.  I can't even remember, if I ever knew, what triggered him.  It's a slippery slope.  

Being objective here and not relating to my own experience, I feel I must say to you that control is a very common and natural desire in a pwBPD.  :)ue to the fact that they feel so out of control in their own emotions it makes sense.  Please don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of being manipulated by her making threats on her own life.  If you are considering reuniting with this woman, set firm boundaries NOW.  As things progress it gets more and more difficult until it is simply too late.  Should this be a game then your willingness to participate and play along gives her the upper hand.  If detachment is what you truly want after assessing your relationship and the current circumstances, then I know it's hard and you don't want to hurt this person but it's important that you are straight with her.  Step back quickly before she can pull you in and return to your previous position.
 Tell her you are concerned about her emotional stability and that she should seek help, that you wish her well but that you are not prepared to consider recycling the relationship.  Then go back to keeping things as they were before this happened.  I know it might seem harsh, but it is for the best.  Leaving that door slightly open will only create confusion and turmoil.  Keep posting and let us know how things are going.  I'll be thinking of you.

Love and light x
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2017, 09:44:30 AM »

Hi Harley Quinn,

I can sense also that it is control and manipulation. I believe what she wants is for me to chase her and try to reel her back in. She said to me a couple of days ago that she can no longer bend to my will, which I view as projection.

However, she may genuinely be in hospital under sedation and if that is the case I need to tread carefully. In the first instance, I want to be sure she is alright! We can discuss the r/s once she is recovered.

I think it is quite a thing to blame somebody for your suicide attempt, she hasn't done that before to me. Therefore out of the love and compassion I have for her, I am going to steer clear of r/s conversations and let her have her anger and manipulation until I am certain she is out of danger.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2017, 10:19:24 AM »

Hi RomanticFool,

You must do what feels right to you and ensure you are being vigilant for red flags.  I know it's impossible not to worry so I won't advise that you don't - just be wary of that concern clouding your judgement when it comes to the big picture.  It clouded mine.
 
 My ex was sectioned 3 times following suicide attempts.  I hope in the case of your ex for her sake that she is in hospital and is getting the help and treatment that she needs.  With a bit of luck this might lead to a further treatment plan that will help her long term if she's prepared to engage.  Not sure if you said whether she has anyone else she can lean on?

Love and light x
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2017, 01:50:25 PM »

Good advice Harley. I'm not going to do anything at the moment. I've not asked her anything about what happened because I asked her where she was and she didn't tell me. I'm not playing the game of chasing her for information. She said that she can't 'come back' if I am going to behave in the same way as before. Given the fact that she was the one with the crazy behaviour, it seems a little ironic.

Anyway, we have been apart long enough now for me to have some objectivity around what's going on. I will make sure she is alright and offer support but beyond that I can't really be of much help. She has family members who are able to help her but she hates her mother. My guess is that her ex husband is bearing the brunt of it all. For somebody who has been sedated there is an awful lot of action on WhatsApp. I think doing nothing is a positive action in itself.
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« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2017, 05:09:35 PM »

Staff only

Hey Guys - whenever you read about suicidal ideation or attempts, it will be helpful to hit the emergency button at the bottom of this (and every) thread.

Every year we lose multiple family members to suicide and some of our members too.

I lost someone in my life.

We all want to error on the side of safety.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

Click it.


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