Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:36:48 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: been here before but this one is more confusing..  (Read 436 times)
truthbeknown
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« on: June 10, 2017, 06:26:05 PM »

I am back in what appears to be either a BPD dynamic or a combination of a touch of borderline with a touch of NPD.   Here goes:

I met this woman 1 year ago through another person.  She was very outgoing and very social.  She is Jewish and even though I am I had never gone out with a Jewish woman for fear they were all like my Mother.  However, since my non-jewish exBPD relationship ended after being married for 20 years and having 4 kids, and several interim relationships failed I figured I'd give it a go.  Actually, to my surprise I was really drawn in by this ethnic matching so to speak.  She invited me to meet her at the Jewish community center in her town and I quickly realized she knew everybody (I call her "the Mayor".  I quickly was not only attracted to her physically (she's short and that's a weakness for me) but I loved that she was a social butterfly.  I had learned from past relationships that I like more extroverted women then introverted and thought this was a good sign.  She took me to many Jewish events and weddings and we danced were good activity partners together etc.  I loved it and felt like I was on the right track.

Honestly, everything was going smoothly for the first 6 months.  We only had one major incident at a restaurant one night.  I actually reacted to her saying, "you are probably going to want to leave me after that comment."  I reacted by saying " i just don't like it when you assume what i'm thinking so I would like it if you don't think for me."   I reacted to her projecting on me that I was automatically going to abandon her.  I knew this was my first real warning sign as far as emotional gaming but I called her the next day to talk and we met somewhere to talk.  At that time, she seemed to respond well to my talk with her.  I re-enforced that I wanted to be with her and that I wasn't mad at her but I also wanted her to think about how her comments could affect me.   Assuming that I'm going to leave when I'm totally in gaga land with her hurt my feelings and I communicated this.  After this she would say things like, "as we are getting closer, i'm not as sensitive to you re-directing me and telling me how you feel about things that I say."  I felt good about this response.  I also felt good that she would say, "my ex was addicted to drugs and even though he was an addict, I was there too and I'm sure I said and did things to make him crazy or push his buttons."  This self-proclaimed awareness and the fact that she was going to Al Anon meetings was keeping feeling like she was taking responsibility for her part of the equation.

I do feel like there were some issues with our sexual relations looking back.  She was afraid to have intercourse because she felt like that would mean we were super committed to each other and she wanted to just play and take things slowly she claimed.  However, eventually she came to visit me when I was out of town (on the way back from visiting my kids) and we crossed this barrier.  When we did it seemed like she was bonding with me more and getting more relaxed with me.

Fast forward to the winter and I had lost my job and was unable to pass a board exam to get me back into my designated career field.  As I was struggling in this area she kept asking me to take her out and I couldn't afford to treat as the man is expected to do.  However, I felt like we were past the initial courting or dating phase and had entered into relationship zone if you will.  I might have been mistaken?

Several other significant things happened.  1.She started weaning off anti-depressants that she was on.
2. she started driving to kids events with her ex versus just showing up by herself.   and 3. her mom met a man at synagogue and started to include him as a family member.   This caused her to start using him to go to activities instead of me when I didn't have money to go.  One night there was an event that I couldn't afford to go to and he was invited.  Afterwards, there was a party back at a hotel where the performer (her friend) was staying.  She invited him back there and did not call me and say, "hey do you want to meet us at the after event party?"  She later blamed this on her parents and the fact that everyone was invited back to hotel and so he came.  I have heard from mutual friends and even her that there is not a Romantic interest with this gentleman and I believe it.  However, she is doing what my ex wife had done- using someone else even as a friend to replace me or take my spot.   I think she didn't like it that I confronted her about this but I merely stated my feelings (using Non Violent communication) and stated that i felt hurt that I wasn't included.  

She continued to wean off the anti-depressants and in feb was off of them.  I Started to see her attitudes toward me change.  She was not calling or reaching out to me as much (she used to call me quite often) and I felt like she was punishing me because I didn't have money to take her out or treat her.  
Her mom is very NPD and I feel that she started listening to what her mom was telling her.  I also thought that this man she was befriending was coaching her to not date a guy who didn't have money- this was later confirmed by her calling me up when i was out of town to see my kids and telling me that she had something important she wanted to talk with me about.   She told me on the phone that she just was feeling like she wanted to be attached to anyone right now.  She said that she had been married for 20 years and she needs to see what's out there?   Bam! I got this on a phone call while away.  I felt it was very immature and insensitive for her to do that while I was away.  I also felt like it was cowardly.

When I got back I tried to talk things out with her.  We saw each other for Valentines day and it was more of a breakup or separation conversation versus a celebration of our love.  I was hurt.  She cried but I was in shock.  I couldn't even cry at that point because of the shock.  I tried to justify her behavior for my own sake but I think that made things worse.   She went away to Israel and called me from there so I thought she missed me and that was a good sign.  Then she came back and started hanging out with some of her dsyfunctional friends and pulled away again.  Then she went away to Florida for a wedding and sent me a really nice message.  One thing to mention is that I believe she has problems with mold in her house and so when she is away she feels better or thinks more clearly.  Also she is away from negative voices of dysfunctional friends and Mother.  

On my birthday last month she threw a party for me but then we talked and she re-iterated that she wanted to be free to see other people.  I felt that was un-empathetic considering we were supposed to be celebrating my birthday.  In addition, she brought up that our earlier meeting after the restaurant issue.  She said "you were going to break up with me but you didn't."  She also said that she doesn't know what she wants. 

I've seen her twice since then and the last time she seemed like my old gf.  She wanted to touch me and kiss me and I said that I didn't feel comfortable with that until she decided she wanted to see me again without talking about seeing other people.  I would be happy to be friends while she figures this out (what i told her).   The truth is now I don't know how to be friends.  She told me if i called her to go out that would be okay but i needed to be more confident (projection sucks).   I don't like how she's confusing or distorting kindness for weakness in a man.   I don't feel like chasing someone who is playing games with me (it feels like that) even though it might just be part of her illness.  Also, i don't know if since she is feeling low/depressed/anxiety ridden if I should be okay with picking up the slack of reaching out because she may need it.  Its a slippery slope I feel.  But confused.

So as i said in the beginning I'm confused because in the past there were no meds involved in the personality changes and and I'm not sure if in time she will re-calibrate back towards the woman I met who was on antidepressants.  I still love her and yet I'm trying to be strong and focus on what didn't work for my own sanity.  It's super hard and perhaps just needed to post this to see what others have to say and to vent a little.  I don't know what I would do if she wanted me back but right now I feel like i'm dealing with bi-polar or a combo of NPD/BPD because of the lack of empathy.  

thanks for listening/reading/commenting.
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2017, 03:17:25 PM »

Hey truthbeknown, vent away.

I think that you're on the right track when you said that you are trying to focus on trying to be strong and focus on what didn't work.

A lot of people confuse kindness with weakness. Sadly, kindness can become weakness when we allow our boundaries to be crossed in an effort to be kind.

Do you know where your boundaries are with her?
Logged
truthbeknown
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2017, 10:25:21 AM »

Melli,

I thought I did but I made a mistake yesterday.  For father's day she reached out to me and we had a nice talk.  It was like talking to the "old" ______ that I used to know before she got off anti-depressants.

So I have been telling myself that I wanted to stay friends with her at least and thought i was strong enough to do that.  But after the call on Sunday, I felt it might be safe to reach out to her and just ask if she wanted to shoot some baskets at the health center (like we used to).  She politely denied saying she was busy with her daughter.   Then on Saturday,  I reached out because I have a new job and didn't know when i would be able to take her out for her birthday like I had offered to do.  I felt that after I completed this birthday gesture that after that I would probably just leave her alone to figure things out etc.  But I felt compelled to hold up my end of the bargain so to speak.   So I texted her and it took all day for her to respond back.  I asked that she call me or tell me when she was available to talk.  Instead she texted me and told me that she was only available after July 18th because of stuff going on with her.
Ever since she has been off the meds her communication is lacking and very choppy.  Not only with me but with others (she's told me and other friends her shortcomings in this area.)  It's like her filter doesn't work and she spews out garbled stuff many times now.  On top of that, she used to communicate with me alot and now I feel like I'm an after thought.  It's really painful for me.   I sent back a reply saying that i didn't understand the text and request a talk again.  Again, no immediate text but then sunday morning she texted and asked if I was free.   I called her and we exchanged pleasantries and she apologized for not getting back to me sooner and described how busy she was/is.   She asked me what was going on with me and I asked her if she saw my FB post?  She said yes.  My post was about my stepdad who is in hospice and can go any day.  Many people close to me except my kids commented etc. but I asked her because I know that social media makes us all crazy and she watches her feed but doesn't always respond.  That part was not the problem or issue for me.  She said, "yes I saw that and I'm sorry your mom is going through that."   I guess I was hoping she would ask me how I was doing- Silly me-  so then we talked a little bit about other stuff related to that and then got to the topic of the potential birthday night out.  I told her that I was just confused because it was supposed to be related to her birthday and she said she had one of her kids and family stuff this week and then was going to NY for a few weeks so the soonest she could do was the 18th of July.  

So here's where i think I lost it.  She told me that she was going to ask her ex (who calls her stupid and retarded) to drive up to get her son.  She takes abuse from him but still includes him in her life and have been nothing but good to her and she keeps me at arms length distance.

So I let my emotions and my feelings  take over.  I was already emotional because of my step dad being on his last days and her not seeming generally empathetic toward me was a trigger in addition to her repeatedly telling me everytime we talk how my replacement (her new gf is available whenever she wants and is easy)  It feels abusive for her to keep bringing this up.  So in my response to saying i was confused she said, "yes it is a little confusing like is this a date and if it's a date can we hold hands and touch?"  and I said, "well I would love to but here's the thing- I still have feelings for you and so touching and holding hands to me means something to me or gives me the message that we are in a relationship because I don't hold hands with someone I'm not dating or in a relationship with."  She said, well we talked about this and I told you I just can't do a relationship with you right now because I want to be available to other possibilities."  I said well you're saying you want to hold hands etc. - let me just ask you- do you have feelings for me?
She said, "not those kind of feelings but more of friends feelings."  I said, "well then why did you ask me if we were going out on a date?"  She said, "well the truth is I have a hard time letting go"  
I told her that I thought that she was pushing me away but then acting like she still wanted to be with me and it's very confusing for me.  She said her son just jumped in the car and she would text me when she can talk again.

Is there something wrong with me because I 'm so sensitive to this?  I feel like I let my guard down by saying I have feelings for her and she stomped on them/me again.  It feels very passive aggressive and I was not only hurt but angry to the point where I felt like I wanted to cut off contact.   Now that I have calmed down I'm mostly sad that I fell for another personality disordered woman and I feel broken because of it.   Something is definately off with my "picker" and it's like I'm hurting myself by getting in these relationships.  I know I'm trying to but it sucks!   I feel so rejected even though I know she's just not healthy and this can never be a healthy relationship.

Her birthday is Sat but if she doesn't text me in between then I don't think I will even reach out to her.  Now I have to become cold like her and I hate that.  I hate that they make us mirror their behavior in order to protect ourselves.   Darn it. Why did I do this again?  

Feeling low and sad... . 
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2017, 11:05:58 AM »

I'm sorry that you have so much going on at once. Dealing with the inevitability of the loss of a parent is hard. Are you and your stepdad close?

I'm sure that all of us here, on the Saving board, an relate to opening up about how we feel and then feeling rejected. That's the natural response. Please don't beat yourself up about any of it.

You do have other options other than just being cold. You can detach and still be loving. In fact, doing that will help you a great deal no matter the outcome of all of this. I know how incredibly difficult it can be to detach with love, but it is really one of the best things that you can do for yourself, this, and any future relationship that you have.

And, honestly, based on your last post, I think that you have had come great communication with her. It does seem tainted by your desires for a different outcome however. Maybe if you can learn to let that go, things will be easier and work better between the two of you?

That's kinda the key thing here at this point... .figuring out how to make things work better between the two of you and not get lost in the emotional fog. It also allows you to be more confident, and confidence is attractive.

Talking about the relationship and feelings will likely turn her off, put her in a position that she is uncomfortable being in, and ultimately push her away. If she wants to talk about the relationship, then let her talk and answer her questions. Don't try to direct the discussion. Meet her on her level.

She's already told you that she is having a hard time letting go, so make it harder for her. Be more attractive to her than she has seen you before.
Logged
truthbeknown
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2017, 12:34:58 PM »

M:

thank you for your response.  It is so hard for me to not feel rejected by her.  I am sensitive myself I suppose to people who I love who do not reciprocate.  I didn't mean to talk about the relationship but when she brings up dating and hand holding I got reactive because I want that so much too but I don't want to feel used.   That's the double bind.   

As far as detaching lovingly- truthfully I feel addicted to her.  I am having a hard time letting go and it doesn't even make sense.  We don't have certain key things in common, she's not emotionally available to me etc.  So as far as lovingly detaching i'm open to some suggestions.  I thought I tried that by asking to stay friends but she's not being a good friend to me.  It keeps coming back to what someone told me once: the person who cares the least controls the relationship.  She's trying to control or win and and I'm trying to connect.  The two seem incompatible relating methods.   I don't think that I said anything mean to her but she might perceive it that way anyway.  My intuition is that she may have told her Mom and sister and gf's negative stuff about me and now if she takes me back into her inner circle they will think she is crazy.  So i feel that might have happened but who knows.  In the meanwhile talking to her and seeing her drives me crazy knowing that she can't connect with me on the level I would like and if i let her touch me/kiss me and hold hands and then reject me over the phone etc or in getting together it feels like I'm allowing myself to get abused.  Another double bind. 

She had mentioned to me when we first were going out that she was not nice and now I think I understand what she was talking about.  It's like some self hate and she's using me to prove her own self hate by cutting me out of her life- weird and it's messing with my brain. 

So I don't think she will reach out to me again based on my last conversation because like you said it makes her feel uncomfortable that I talk about the relationship but it's okay if she does so I find the double standard difficult. 

has anyone on this board found that staying or dealing with this kind of a situation brings them any happiness? 

I would like to hear more about the lovingly detaching communication skills bc ultimately I think it might go in this direction. 
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2017, 02:00:12 PM »

Lovingly detaching is really little more than putting yourself first. You define and maintain your boundaries. You allow her to suffer the consequences of her actions. You focus on you. You step out of her drama triangle. And, you live your life. Sounds simple, right?

We all know that it isn't as simple as it sounds. There are many ingrained habits that have to changed. But, the good news is that they can be changed.

One thing that will help you a great deal is to learn to think with your Wisemind. This is a process where you learn to think both emotionally and rationally at the same time. It helps you stay present and not dwell on the past or get trapped in trying to predict and manipulate the future.

The the hand holding for instance. Emotionally, that may make you feel loved, warm, and fuzzy in the instant moment, but you'll also have thoughts that follow a rational thought process (you've just wrote about them in fact). These two things together allow you to make the healthiest decision for you.

If you know that physical touch will be an issue, then define a boundary for yourself that you won't engage in it or let it happen and stick to that boundary.

If she wants to call it a date, then let her. If that makes you uncomfortable then tell her that it's not a date, or don't think of it as a date yourself.

What did you mean by saying that she's not being a good friend to you?

If you're looking for success stories about relationships with pwBPD, there's a thread about them on the Improving board. Yes, it can happen, but it takes a lot of work and, ultimately, both parties have to make some significant changes in their lives and thought processes. Fortunately, it only takes one of the two parties to start instigating the changes to change the dynamics of the entire relationship.
Logged
truthbeknown
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2017, 04:50:04 PM »

What's interesting is that she goes to al anon and yet I perceive that because she gets the message about putting herself first she is using this strategy as well.  However, I think she is taking the message in a black/white fashion or extreme and misapplying it to the current situation.  Her ex husband abused drugs when they were spiraling down together in their relationship.  However, on Superbowl Sunday (before she was off antidepresants) she asked her son if she has empathy.  Why, bc i was down in her basement and the mold sensitivity got to me.  She got upset as if I were calling her house a name or something (distortion) but I was the one ailing.  So her son came home and she told him about this.  She typically consults him as the "husband" figure more then she does her actual male partners (very interesting ).  He went on to say that she doesn't have any empathy at all.  Sympathy yes- empathy NO.
 I wonder if that conversation influenced our relationship.  In other words, now she might have felt exposed.  

she is emeshed with her parents (particularly Mom) and depends on them financially etc.  Some of her friends have told me that her Mom is trying to control who she goes out with because she holds the purse strings and is selfish and doesn't want to see her break free from the nest (she's 51)  It appears as though NO man will ever measure up to mom.  Most people like me and she is one person that I did not feel would allow me to make the connection with her.  My ex partner (from status i believe us to be in right now) was very protective of me in the beginning when she was on Anti-depressants and now she is exhibiting very much similar patterns and attitudes as her mom.  I know from seeing my uBPD ex wife and how she controls my kids it is a similar pattern.  It's also what has me psychologically hooked.  I feel like she is the adult version of my kids and I believe I've come to realize that some part of me wants to hang in because it is so synonymous with what I go through with my kids.  In other words, I have a fear of abandoning her in some subconscious way because of the tie in with what happens with my kids.  I am used to riding the roller coaster with them and very similarly when I'm with my kids they like me and all is good between us but when I'm away the influences of their mom cause them to choose her over me.  This is happening with this gal as well.   So my emotional triggers are the irrational rejection and up and down cycles because I feel like they are being "brain-washed".  

Now here's the thing. Most healthy men I know would say: "dump her, she's not worth it"  I wanted to maintain some relationship if i could even though it hurts but now it is getting harder.  

Boundaries: She asked me if it was a date and I didn't know what to say.  I should have asked her what she wanted to call it but I was focusing on how it was 3 weeks down the road and I just started a new job and don't even know if I'll be around.   I didn't want to tell her about the job (boundaries) because she uses my tough time in the job market lately against me (she reports it to her mom bc she told me her mom said i was just like her ex and she needs to keep looking).  

Good friend: I feel safe with my friends and can tell them anything.  Also my Stepdad is going to be passing any day and she didn't even seem to have any empathy for that situation (son seems right so far).   So I'm mourning several things: my stepdad passing, my so-called exgf changing personalities, my career woes and my inability to see this kind of thing/ relationship coming.  I know she sexted me out early and I submitted to that call of the wild so to speak but she was very self responsible in the beginning while on AD's and took responsibility for her actions.  Now she's a hot mess and I"m just trying to find safety.  Feels like PTSD to me (for both of us-hers from her divorce and mine because she is projecting her loss onto me).  I feel used like she just wants me for physical comfort but nothing else.  She's better with me when together but because she is doing the boundary with phones and texting it makes it very difficult to talk to her.  Basically she is treating me alot like her ex husband and I did tell her that on Sunday- Yes my emotional pain came out- Ugh.     It's weird but i shouldn't have to apologize but i do question everything I do since being exposed to those people that have had BPD in my life.  

thanks for helping me to voice this.  I don't have money for therapy right now and this is my only release except for a few friends that understand.  I can't wait until my new job starts. I really think i will just bury myself in work!  Perhaps some day i'll be able to attract healthy love into my life?
Logged
Emotions
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 208


« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2017, 08:06:32 PM »

You may want to read some of the posts on the detaching board... .most of the people there have been through some of what you are going through... .I have been through similar situations and similar thoughts... .I went from being the love of her life, to an afterthought in the blink of an eye it seemed... .it's a unique feeling, but I am beginning to "get used to it" as opposed to obsessing about the how's and why's... .trust me though I went through them for over a month or two 24/7... .they absolutely sucked! But now I am coming to another perspective where it isn't quite as powerful and I am able to control my thoughts better... .good luck with yourself and relationship... .
Logged

Train your mind to be calm in every situation
Like an island that no flood can overwhelm
In these times we must act like the eye of the hurricane
"It takes a nation of millions to hold us back" (public enemy)
truthbeknown
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2017, 11:22:26 PM »

M

Thank you for all your support!  Yes I am in the same boat. Once a rock star in her eyes and now and afterthought.  She must have went to Al Anon last night because she messengered me that she thinks that going out for her birthday is not a good idea and that we should take some time to heal ourselves as we move into the next phase of our relationship.  What's sort've interesting is i went to the health club and this Italian guy in the hottube starts talking to me about relationships.  He went on a big tangent about how it's better to be single and play the field etc. etc.    I was thinking as he was talking that so many women are playing this game now too that it is not safe out there to date.  I don't see myself wanting to be a playboy like him or even like this uBPD woman that just texted me.   I'm sad that it seems like so many personality disordered folks out there.   I'm glad we didn't have children and I certainly don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me.  Still can't believe that i tend to find the women who don't want love or reject it.   

Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2017, 08:05:44 AM »

Still can't believe that i tend to find the women who don't want love or reject it. 

Have you given much thought as to why this might be?

That used to be a constant theme in my life. My therapist pointed out that I actually run to that type of woman. Do you think that this might be the case for you as well?
Logged
truthbeknown
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2017, 01:07:14 AM »

I have thought about that. I'm getting better at calling out behaviors that are not congruent with a healthy situation and if they push me away because of that then at least I have my answer.   This past one had certain aspects that lured me in.  She was very interested in me physically and I had  low self esteem because of some physical ailments that affected my sex organs.   I was up front with her and told and she was still interested in me.  I thought that was a sign of empathy.   However, the empathy went away the longer I was in the relationship and as she weaned off anti-depressants.   So I had a desire to participate in the relationship bc I was super attracted to her "cuteness" and also psychologically because she was willing to accept me even with the challenges I spoke of.   How is one supposed to think they are chasing after the "wrong" girl when that happens.   From reading the boards I think empathetic people attract sociopathic people and so does that mean we are supposed to become cold and distant?  change how we accept people?   

I think I am also very tolerant of other peoples flaws in general.  I looked past what others were saying like "she's a handful" and said, "well at least I'll never be empty handed."  Boy was I wrong- empty handed now!

Also from the inner child work that i have done I realized that I"m projecting out my inner child on these women.  It's hard to leave or abandon your child.   

I find that in the end love translates to being smothered by these types of women but because they are so insecure it also draws out the part in me that wants to help them or make them feel safe.  This is the projection with the inner child from what I have been taught. 

Now, I need to go away and heal my wounds.   
Logged
truthbeknown
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« Reply #11 on: June 30, 2017, 11:34:35 PM »

M:

Well tomorrow is her birthday and I feel like I should not reach out to her after our last interaction.  I went back and looked at my other post and I must have skipped part of the story.  After she said we need time to heal I felt that was just another control measure on her part and it was even her talking. She is taking on so many voices now since off Antidepressants. It feels like she partly says it nicely but the message is one of withdrawal.   I answered like it was my fault because I was the one who was on some romantic ride and thinking that this was real when it might have been something else.   And now I can see clearly how we are on different paths.  I wished her all the best like she did to me and then that was it.   

I think that I internalize her new fake personality and the pain of her not remembering who we are is too intense for me.   Now I wish I would have delayed response.  However, I do think that it would make me feel like I was giving away my power if i wish her a happy birthday after she has blown me off.   She'll just respond with hearts and no words.  I really dread getting that kind of emotionless response.   

Can you explain any other way to detach lovelying because I feel like there is not much of chance to do this and preserve my sanity.   Please help me see if there is another perspective?  Right now I can't stop thinking about her or I should say the "old" her.   

Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2017, 07:32:57 AM »

TBK,

Struggling with these types of relationships is hard under the best of circumstances. The chaotic ride through the cliffs and valleys can wear heavily on our mental well-being if we are not careful. We've all experienced that and felt the pressures on our psyche that come with it.


In your last post, you made reference to the new, fake her and the old her. The problem with that is that they are both her; they are both real. You choices are to accept who she is, all of who she is, or not. When we Radically Accept our SO for who he/she is, we free the from our expectations and judgments and it helps us cope with the situation better, focus on ourselves, and, perhaps most importantly, to remain Mindful.

Radical acceptance need not just apply to accepting our pwBPD. It is a wonderful tool for dealing with life in general btw.

When I was going through the pains that you write about, it felt like I was almost constantly trying to defend/protect myself. Taking care of that inner child that you were talking about became my full-time job. I was forever trying to manipulate and control situations in order to keep Little Meili safe. I was hypervigilent and that kept me enmeshed in my situation. I could not focus on myself because I was so focused on the situation and protection. It was draining.

It took my accepting her for who she is/was and accepting the world for what it is to free me. I was then able to use the time and energy that I was wasting on trying to predict what was happening around me and protect myself from things that may or may not ever come into realty, and to focus on the immediate and myself.

Before responding to the rest of your post, could you please elaborate on what you meant here?

After she said we need time to heal I felt that was just another control measure on her part and it was even her talking. She is taking on so many voices now since off Antidepressants. It feels like she partly says it nicely but the message is one of withdrawal.   I answered like it was my fault because I was the one who was on some romantic ride and thinking that this was real when it might have been something else.
Logged
truthbeknown
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2017, 08:15:17 AM »

"After she said we need time to heal I felt that was just another control measure on her part and it was even her talking. She is taking on so many voices now since off Antidepressants. It feels like she partly says it nicely but the message is one of withdrawal.   I answered like it was my fault because I was the one who was on some romantic ride and thinking that this was real when it might have been something else."

The more she tries to act mature after acting immature really "floods" my emotions and I think that I respond with from emotions myself.   I think she is not thinking for herself; that she has to go to others for perspectives on me or this and she uses her Al Anon meeting as a place to pick up advice about not being co-dependent.  Allegedly, her ex did drugs and she felt like the co-dependent one in that relationship.  However, it appears that now she is the one that is playing his role and I am playing the co-dependent one (which i have done in the past).  What's odd is that it feels like she is trying to keep control of everything (the lack of calling when she says she would, breaking apart from me like I'm the one trying to wander over her boundaries etc.)  It feels so surreal like she can turn things on me if she feels critiqued to make it seem like I'm the addict like her ex husband.  It appears to me that she can't tell us apart anymore and doesn't remember any of the good stuff about me. 

The last part was me trying to be creative and take responsibility for me and maybe that would help.  There is actually a scene in the movie "jerry mcquirre" where Rene Zelweiger tells Tom Cruise that it was her fault so that she could disengage from the relationship.  I'm not sure if you saw that movie?  but if you did, Tom Cruise says, "what if I'm great with friendships and not great with committments?" 
I feel like this is her- she's like the mayor- great with friendships but struggles with interpersonal relationships. I suppose I was feeling the same way Rene's character felt in the movie, "I don't need you to stick."  That whole scene epitomizes how I feel about her.   Of course I'm probably in lala land thinking that she would exhibit what Tom's character Jerry did and take self-responsibility but that's the difference between fantasy land and real life.   

does this help?

Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #14 on: July 01, 2017, 08:45:35 AM »

Yes, that does help. Thank you.

It is a struggle to try figure out what is happening and why. I think that we've all asked "what changed?"... .or something along those lines. There is a lesson about  Understanding your partner's behaviors that may help. Having a better understanding about what is going on may help alleviate some of the guess work and questioning. Being confused about what is happening really does make the situation worse, doesn't it?

You may not be far off by thinking that she has difficulty with interpersonal relationships. That is actually one of the hallmarks of BPD. Interpersonal relationships are terrifying to them. They don't feel safe. The fear of abandonment is so intense that it can causes them to act out in ways that appear completely irrational to the rest of us.

In fact, the intense fears that they experience can lead to the other thing that it sounds like you are describing: projection. None of us can possibly know what is going on in her head, but what it sounds like is that something triggered a memory within her and that sparked the emotions attached to that memory and she's projecting outward so as to not deal with her own emotions.

But, the thing is, knowing why she may be acting as she's acting is only partially beneficial. What is more important is how you choose to respond and what you choose to do. That's the only thing that you are in control of after all.

Does that all make sense?
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!