Do you talk to anyone about your SO's BPD?

[Alayne]

I would give anything to tell my mom and sister about what I've learned recently regarding my husband.  He has a good relationship with both, and I don't want to damage it. I also don't like airing private laundry. Oh, and he's not diagnosed. This is all my speculation. But we're all very close and on the days when I want to give up or JADE the snot out of him, I could use their cooler heads. What do you do?

One twist: My mom saw one meltdown when she was here for my first son's birth and he made the most awesome apology after about it. She'll be back for the twins next month, and I think it may come up like it or not.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I get it, I would give anything to to be able to talk about it. Just to stop loving in two different worlds, to be able to talk to them when my SO is not talking to me and I'm lost... .

I think it's a very personal decision. Being married and with kids it could be argued that you have the right. In my case, we are not married and I'm not sure she will stay with me. She hates the if of people knowing. She is diagnosed, and was diagnosed 20 years ago (then they thought it was the wrong diagnosis for many years), this time her family doesn't know. As the diets time they used it to stop caring the little they cared, and to blame her for anything that happened in the family. As in one guy stole things from the rich grandmother,  and told everyone it was "the crazy one".
So, in this case, I respect her wishes. She knows I talk anonymously, and that's it.

Does he accept your diagnosis? Maybe this is one of those things that makes them mad, but it's good in the long run.

My problem is that I feel I'm one mistake away from losing the long run.

[Tattered Heart]

My H is also undiagnosed. When things were at their height, I shared a video about what BPD was with my mom and sisters just so they could have a small understanding of what was going on. I did not go into details about his rages and the specifics about how it affected our relationship. I just wanted to them to know that there was something going on with him. The main I didn't tell them was because I knew that even though my H and I would make up after our frequent fights, they would not see that. They would only remember the negative things I had to say about him. Their response was mostly positive and said they had noticed some changes in him over the years.

I do have a girlfriend that I share with. SHe is a therapist and works with troubled teenagers. She calls many of them her "budding BPDs." I feel comfortable sharing with her because she understands the behavior and doens't judge it. But she also gives practical, therapeutic advice.

Sharing is a hard decision. Most poeple do not understand and their suggestion is to just leave. Over time, they may begin to get frustrated with stories of verbal abuse and rages and wonder why we stay.

[Roma]

It's so important, I think, to have a safety valve, objective ear or whatever form of outlet. The whole keeping secrets thing used to feel really shaming and toxic to me. I've been very fortunate in that the town where I live has a thriving Carers' Centre, which provides confidential support to anyone caring for a relative or loved one, whether its a physical or mental difficulty. I've been going to a support group there monthly and today just had my first session of counselling there. I realise that not all communities have such a free resource, but I think its worth investigating.
Sharing with family and friends is difficult. My sister and brother-in-law, whom we see fairly often, know that my partner has a history of mental illness, and that he has been in hospital, but they are thankfully very tactful, discreet and non-judgemental when we all meet. I felt I had to let them know something in order to make some sense of some of the events, such as my partner being admitted to hospital. My partner has had a meltdown with my brother-in-law, once, last Christmas and that felt like a nightmare for me. But I think all is forgiven and they've let it go. I didn't feel that I could just cover everything up with them and although they don't fully understand the situation, they are pretty good at not judging or getting involved. Most of my friends, I'm pretty sure, wouldn't understand what's going on at all and would probably urge me to just get out of it. I may be wrong on that, but I am fairly choosy about who I let what information out to. I have one friend I talk to, who is a therapist also, but we rarely manage to co-ordinate our timetables to meet up.
My partner is also quite sensitive about people knowing and can get quite paranoid. We had a major advance this morning when I took my courage in my hands and let him know I was getting counselling and explained that it was about me and the whole of my life, not just about him and certainly not about the bizarre little things he ruminates on and worries to me about. For the time being at least he was very accepting and supportive of me doing it - we shall see how that works out.
Finding this online community has been a great outlet and relief, as has working out that the problem is probably BPD.

[JoeBPD81]

The other day I found a site online that had "listeners", you can also pay for therapy, but it had volunteers that you can chat with. The one I talked  with said he/she knew about BPD, but it was clear he/she didn't, mostly answered "OK". But it was better than not talking to anyone.

I get infinitely better support here, but then, sometimes you need something "live", immediate. I wish I could talk with family or friends, but I have no doubt that they wouldn't understand. When I talk about anorexia, they get very uncomfortable, and they don't know what to say. Sometimes when they say something, that makes me mad.

[Lakebreeze]

I am in the same boat you. A part of me wants so bad to tell my sister and Mom... .They have seen some of his erratic behavior first hand and on occasion I might mention something about him being upset and they never get it. But he is undiagnosed. It's just my suspicion so I don't know what's best. To add to it though... .We are in marriage counseling. The therapist has not actually said "BPD" but has pointed out enough traits that it was after talking to him that I found this forum. Can I ask the therapist if he has BPD? Should I? Does it not really matter?

[JoeBPD81]

In my opinion, a diagnosis is something good. But I think different people might take it in completely different ways. You have to know your SO and decide whether it would do good to him to know.

It delimits the "problem". BPD is a lot, but it's not everything. As in "everything is wrong with me". Then any treatment will be addressed to the real problem.

But the name is so unfortunate, and the stigma so big, that it can do more harm than good. It was a huge blow to my GF, and then a good thing, and now it is a "fact" that supports that she shouldn't have any relationships, so it's hurting us. She already thought that before knowing it was BPD.

I think you can ask the therapist, maybe you'll be told, maybe not. Then decide whether he must know from you (the therapist may take his own decission). But if would be good for you to have something solid.

[Alayne]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.  It helps me so much to brainstorm with you here.  I haven't made a decision, but I did decide that I should schedule time with a real therapist (vs. marriage counselor) to talk this through more, both to help with my issues and with a second opinion on how to work with my husband.  He had an ugly meltdown on Saturday that manifested with physical symptoms overnight.  He acted very strangely at the breakfast table before disappearing to sleep or recover or something.  Scared the snot out of me.

We are in marriage counseling. The therapist has not actually said "BPD" but has pointed out enough traits that it was after talking to him that I found this forum. Can I ask the therapist if he has BPD? Should I? Does it not really matter?

Lake, speaking for my own situation, I had a 1:1 session with our marriage counselor a few weeks ago, and it was the single most important thing I've done in working through this.  My husband was sick that day and had been finding reasons to get out of counseling so I told him that I wanted to go on my own behalf.  I'd coincidentally started to tie some of his behavior to narcissism and over the course of the session, told the therapist what I was looking into.  He nudged me toward BPD and Walking on Eggshells.  My husband is still hurt and defensive over it ("Oh, you need time to complain about me, huh?" but the benefits I got out of talking through this 1:1 with our counselor were well worth that downside.

[Give me strength]

I have decided not to talk to anyone about it since I do not want my H to be humiliated. I have suggested to him that he could tell people if he wanted, if it's something he feels would be helpful to him. I choose to journal and read books about BPD and come to this site for my own sanity If I felt the need then I would go to counselling. Ideally for me I would like a support group and will continue to look for a local one but for now I will keep this in our family because I am seeing progress in him. Good luck with your decision!

[BeagleGirl]

My husband is diagnosed, and I think I would handle it a bit differently if it were undiagnosed.

I have been very careful about who I share with.  Our therapist (started as MC but now does 1:1 for both of us), pastor, and my father were all sent the psych evaluation by dBPDh.  I am not quite sure that he has ever spoken directly with anyone other than T about the diagnosis of BPD.  It's only come up one time each in my conversations with our pastor and my dad.  I'll admit that I didn't get the "vindication" I was hoping for from my dad knowing that my husband was diagnosed with a PD and I can't really talk with him about anything in my relationship, so it doesn't really matter that he knows. 

There are three women who know my BPDh that I have told about his diagnosis.  All of them have been proven trustworthy over years of friendship and I know that none of them will share this knowledge with anyone, including their husbands (who also know BPDh).  Two of these women have loved ones we suspect may have undiagnosed PD (birds of a feather... .) so the topic is openly discussed when relevant.

I have also shared the diagnosis with 2 colleagues who I consider close friends.  They have been my sanity touch points at times and, while the BPD diagnosis isn't often a topic of conversation, I wanted them to have a fuller picture of what was going on.  I think my purpose for sharing the diagnosis with them was also related to my desire to have some "proof" that what was going on in my marriage wasn't "all in my head".  At the time I was afraid of not being believed/taken seriously as I started recognizing the emotional abuse that has been a part of my marriage from the beginning.  BPDh is high functioning, so having an independent, professional opinion that there was something more in play than me just being too sensitive was a huge relief.  It turns out that I didn't need to share a diagnosis with them to get them to believe me about the abuse.  They had seen/heard me mention things that raised red flags for them even before I started recognizing them.

So here's my overall take -
You probably don't need to share a diagnosis of BPD (suspected or confirmed) to be able to share some of the dynamics in play and receive support from people not familiar with BPD.  If the BPD is undiagnosed, it may even be counter-productive since some people will focus more on the idea of you "diagnosing" a PD than the actual behaviors that make you suspect PD.

It is, however, important to form a support system that includes people who understand the dynamics of BPD.  This site is AWESOME for that, but I also think it's important to have a professional in your corner, even if there is no formal BPD diagnosis.

My $0.02
BeagleGirl

[tennysongirl]

I made the personal choice to share, with select family members and close friends I trust, the fact that my spouse is most likely BPD. This is something that I thought about for a very long time, and everyone has been very receptive and helpful and supportive.

My goal in sharing that info was to provide background for some of the "crazier" (for lack of a better word, sorry) situations I've found myself in. There have been many times in our relationship that I've had to come up with exit plans on the spot, and since I am thousands of miles away from family, this usually involved staying with friends, or even flying to be with family, sometimes for extended periods of time. Being able to summarize in a few brief sentences the difficulty BPD causes not only for me, but especially for him, make it easier for me to not be bitter  or give in to overly negative statements or excessive blaming, and remember to have compassion.

Being able to discuss the on-going stress and have a few solid people I trust other than my therapist to bounce things off of and help keep my own clarity, especially when it comes to dealing with the splitting and what I believe is "emotional cutting" - self-destructive behavior in the form of cutting and running from the relationship repeatedly - has really saved my sanity and prevented me from falling back (at least repeatedly) into old habits of JADEing or enabling.


Obviously, it comes down to personal preference and what you determine is best for your situation. This site has also proved invaluable to me when I'm feeling at my wit's end or angry, and being able to ask questions and get responses from real people who are also "in the trenches" has been beyond helpful. I usually come here FIRST, and if for some reason I can't find more clarity, I will then turn to my therapist, and then to one of the few trusted people I know who are aware of the situation and have at least a little understanding of loving someone with this disorder.

hwBPD is very high-functioning to pretty much everyone in his life (coworkers, son, friends, ex-wife, family) except myself, and this can make for some situations that seem very "out-the-blue" to even his own family. Having a small network of people I can trust to cheerlead and be supportive of my happiness and well-being has proved invaluable, especially when it's up to the "non" in a relationship to be not only their spouse's, but also their own emotional support system. This can be very draining, and I've found that I am more capable of rational thought, detachment, and validation with him when I've been able to talk a few things out with the people I trust. I try to be respectful and not over-share - just give brief summaries or synopsis, and focus on what *I* can do differently next time.

Just my thoughts.