uBPDgf having an affair

[AnuDay]

As some of you may know my BPDgf broke up with me and started having an affair after I left her home alone on vacation 2 weeks ago, wrong move, I know now, but at the time I didnt care.  She had done the same to me before.  The relationship was on the rocks and has been for over a year.  Now that shes having an affair I am having a hard time deciding about this relationship. Mainly because we have two little children.  

There are people who tell me that she has the right to have an affair from how Ive treated her.  I admit that I did neglect her emotionally a lot. I ignored her. I devalued what she said. I invalidated her. Frankly, I was so fed up with her attitude, her manipulative tactics, and the way she thought and acted that I couldnt take it anymore.  Of course that was before reading all of the info on this site.

 And now like many of the other confused men on here I find that bpdfamily has brainwashed me into wanting her back.  

For years I longed for a way out of the relationship.  I wished that she would find someone new to control. I wanted my freedom and friends back.  Now that I am getting all that back in an act of desperation, she has decided to have an affair.  

Now I find myself conflicted.  Conflicted between doing whats best to keep my family together, conflicted about still loving her, conflicted about carrying the extra burden that being in a relationship with a person with BPD carries.  Ill admit that Im not the easiest person to get along with so I am also conflicted about going back to the single life.  I know that in her mind I will have to succomb to her every need to get her back.  This will never happen.  I am stronger now and armed with more knowledge.

She has had affairs before and I have told her to stop and she has and we recycled the relationship.  This affair is different because after I found out about it she wont stop and she even uses it as a leveraging tool to get me to change to her liking.  She is highly fed up too, but she wont move in with the guy and she wont move out.  I wont move out either.

Please help me reorganize my brain to get me out of the BPD zone. I probably need to go to counseling to work on my self esteem issues.  I know Im horrible with setting boundaries too and she knows this.  I dont know how I can regain the upper hand and get back together or even if I really want to.  What do you think?

[Skip]

Right now she's currently in I don't even know which number affair, maybe her third.  I put up with it because we have children together  I've put up with it for years.  I totally lost my identity and myself in trying to help this person.  Through support groups and books such as "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" over the past year I have slowly been rebuilding myself to my SO's mental detriment.  My SO sees anything that I do to improve myself as being a detriment to her so I have to be quiet about it.  My family members ask me what am I afraid of, I'm supposed to be a man... .

Now I find myself conflicted.  Conflicted between doing whats best to keep my family together, conflicted about still loving her, conflicted about carrying the extra burden that being in a relationship with a person with BPD carries.  Ill admit that Im not the easiest person to get along with so I am also conflicted about going back to the single life.  I know that in her mind I will have to succomb to her every need to get her back.  This will never happen.  I am stronger now and armed with more knowledge.

I'm going to move this to conflicted because you have serious doubts about staying and leaving and their is an active affair ongoing (hers).

Relationships with pwBPD traits are very demanding and it takes an extraordinary effort to keep you head above water. The fact that you are worn out is not unusual.

Staying together for the kids is a real consideration. Can you tell us about them - ages and relationship with mom, their mental health?

Treating your partner bad (when she does, or when you do) comes with a price. It's really a lot better to fight to work things out or to leave. Staying in a long term state of cold war emotionally kills everyone - her, you, children.

You say their have been affairs before - how has it played out in the past.

You say you have to "give in" to get her back, what does that mean?

[AnuDay]

Thank you Skip,
I see why you have the Distinguished Service Award.  
Kids = D6 D3, Self-Soothing, Separation/Attachment, Boundary, and other issues with mom strong, but waning.  I have given every ounce of my being working to their emotional health.  :)6's emotional maturity is catching up to her age.  Overall their mental health appears to be ok. No red flags luckily.

Thank you for the cold war advice.  Her mom recommended the cold war and I stupidly listened.  I am coming to the conclusion that its not worth it too.  Right now we're at the tail end of a full blown war and going into a cold war.  Hopefully with counseling we can drop the armaments... .I'm hoping.  

To answer your other question, previously her affairs were short lived and not serious.  I would find out about them somehow, I would get upset, she would be remorseful, I would start paying more attention to her, I would become idealized and the relationship would be recycled.  

Also, when I alluded to having to give in, it meant agreeing to her demands (boundaries) to get back together.  We are in the process of recycling the relationship now.  I don't want to budge on my new boundaries that I have set.  I am slowly entering the idealization stage.  Is there a way to stop the cycle?      

[Skip]

What are your values/boundaries?

[AnuDay]

What are your values/boundaries?

Thank you Skip,
Im going to be moving out for a little while.  I guess I let her boundaries become my boundaries.  I didnt realize that she would encroach upon my boundaries so far.  I guess they just push and push.  She pushed me too far last night with the affair.
Well, Im taking a stand now. Hopefully, with this sites help I will be able to take more stands.  She does all of this so nonchalantly.  A 3 week affair and shes done with 9 years.  Shocking.  Apparrently I cant get a PO without a threat of violence. 

[Skip]

Im going to be moving out for a little while.

Talk to an attorney first. That may negatively affect you property and custody case.

What is happening - she is picking the affair over reconciling with you and you're angry?

If you have treated her bad, it might take more to resolve things (assuming that is what you want).

You said she was reacting to your boundaries.  What boundaries are upsetting her?

[LonelyChild]

People around you are constructing some kind of false dichotomy over this re. your behavior. I.e. it is wrong to have an affair but your behavior made you deserve it. What you need to know is that whether or not that is true, a pwBPD is likely to have an affair. This is part of FOG (fear-obligation-guilt). You either decide to stay or to leave, but you absolutely must not decide to say because you feel guilty over your behavior towards your gf and because you deserved her having an affair.

You also need to know that even if you treated her absolutely flawlessly, she would likely still have had an affair (but probably put more effort into covering it up). This should also indicate to you that she's likely going to have an affair again in the future. That time, she's either going to blame you for something new or bring up this point in time. "You still haven't made up for how you have treated me."

You need to be ready for that.

[Skip]

People around you are constructing some kind of false dichotomy over this re. your behavior. I.e. it is wrong to have an affair but your behavior made you deserve it.

Who is it that is constructing a false dichotomy?

[LonelyChild]

Who is it that is constructing a false dichotomy?

There are people who tell me that she has the right to have an affair from how Ive treated her.

The people that OP is talking about here. The splitting factor is not whether OP deserved it or not.

[AnuDay]

Talk to an attorney first. That may negatively affect you property and custody case.

What is happening - she is picking the affair over reconciling with you and you're angry?

If you have treated her bad, it might take more to resolve things (assuming that is what you want).

You said she was reacting to your boundaries.  What boundaries are upsetting her?

Thank you Skip, you are very wise.
In a nutshell yes I want to reconcile and she doesnt.  

As far as boundaries she doesnt like me talking to my family, friends, or being on facebook. I am not allowed to talk about her to anyone. This has triggered serious abandonment fears.

I see her affair with this man twice her age as a manipulation tactic to get what she wants from me, total isolation and marriage.  She keeps saying I shouldve put a ring on it. My family and her family has said I caused her to have an affair.  

Thank you Lonely, it does sound like a false dichotomy, but understanding BPD it doesnt sound false.  I always get confused at when you have to hold pwBPD accountable for their actions. Honestly because she had an affair in the past I knew another affair was coming.  The pattern is I treat her good, she treats me bad, I treat her bad, she has an affair.
Im always shocked and hurt when I find out though.  

[Skip]

The people that OP is talking about here. The splitting factor is not whether OP deserved it or not.

Thanks for the follow up - I didn't see that.

It's a valid point. No ones behavior in a relationship justifies the other person having an affair.

At the same time isn't it valid that if we engage in prolonged cold war with a loved one that the risk of them vacating the relationship is high? And normal? The families on both side are suggesting this, for sure.

AnuDay, you say this is an affair. This is a hard question, but is it an affair?  :)id she have good reason to break-up? Did she break-up before getting involved?

It will help to laser in on this. Its a very different story if she left you three times because the relationship was bad or if she is a serial cheater.

If she "left" because she is fed up with your treatment of her and lack of commitment and this is the third time she has moved on - it might take some serious commitment from you to convince her to comeback.

You seem to be assuming that her leaving is about manipulating you, but it could be about feeling there is no future. You have two kids and you are not married. These are really very different things.

You want to be right about this. While these situations look alike, they are very different.

For years I longed for a way out of the relationship.  I wished that she would find someone new to control. I wanted my freedom and friends back.  Now that I am getting all that back in an act of desperation, she has decided to have an affair. 

Now I find myself conflicted.  Conflicted between doing whats best to keep my family together, conflicted about still loving her, conflicted about carrying the extra burden that being in a relationship with a person with BPD carries.

Too good to leave; too bad to stay? This is a hard one.

What is going on with the kids right now? That certainly complicates this for both of you.

[LonelyChild]

The pattern is I treat her good, she treats me bad, I treat her bad, she has an affair.
Im always shocked and hurt when I find out though.  

Statistically, this behavior is not going to just suddenly stop one day on her part. You should think this through. Although I can relate to the pain in leaving the r/s, in hindsight, it is the *only* thing I can recommend if you are not ready to deal with her as the person she is today, for the rest of your life. There are no guarantees.

[AnuDay]

Thank you Lonely and Skip,
You are both very right.  She broke up with me the day I went on vacation for revenge.  Previously she broke up with me in 2014 for a week.  She is very promiscuous and seductive. No woman likes her around their man.  She does say she feels there is no future with us.  Kids are ok for now.  Im sure shes getting more stressed and is raging at them since I have minimized contact with her. Her behavior will not change without years of therapy.  She has zero self awareness.  I am comfortable breaking up, but I would prefer to do so with couples counseling for the kids sake and mine.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AnuDay-

Did you and your GF actually go to couples therapy.  I remember you were scheduled for an appointment but don't know whether you went.  Have the two of you ever gone to therapy together in the past?  Has the fact that you've never gotten married been a sore spot with her?  The marriage thing is not something I would push right now... .it's not a cure all for any relationship that is in turmoil.

I'm not old fashioned (old, yes), so I really don't see marriage, or lack thereof as a reason in and of itself to have an affair.  After all, you've established a home and family together.  I hope your family is not using the absence of marriage to justify her straying outside your relationship. 

What does SHE say is the reason for her affairs?  Have you asked her during a calm time why she feels the need to do that?  What does she believe she cannot get at home?  What do YOU believe you are no longer willing to give to her?

Difficult questions, I know, my friend.  You'll answer them for yourself when you're ready.

Chin up.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AnuDay]

Thank you Gems,
We started the therapy.  One session only.  Maybe we'll go back Tuesday. She has done individual therapy in the past and taken antidepressants, but stopped many years ago. The nonmarriage has been a sore spot. I didnt want to marry her without treatment. Proposing to her went through my mind, but that would be foolish and enabling. Her and her family are using nonmarriage as justification.  She says she needs to be treated like a baby, and her boyfriend provides a high level of pampering, validation, and emotional support.  He does whatever she wants when she wants it.  He is very needy, he just got out of a divorce so hes very much in need of emotional support.  She believes she cannot get the unconditional emotional support from me that she gets from him.  I am no longer willing to give her complete control of my life.  I am no longer willing to justify or excuse her bad behavior.  I will not put up with her or her family controlling the children.  I started making these boundaries over a year ago. It has been a bitter fight. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AnuDay-
Man... .I am so so sorry.  This is all so hard, but you do sound so much stronger and clearer than when we first met.  Please make sure to read all you can about protecting yourself and your children during this time.  Are you going to take the girls with you when you separate?  I just worry about them and your wife's revolving door of men.

Maybe you can "couch" that issue with her being busy with beauty school and you don't want her to get too stressed, etc.?  Can your family assist with childcare when you're at work, or maybe there's a good boys and girls club near you.  But please check in with the members who know more about these issues/legal/ custody to best protect the children and your rights as a father.

You do realize that if the boyfriend is emotionally needy she may not last long with him because she may become too exhausting for him.  Prepare yourself to stand strong if you're intent on maintaining the separation, my friend.

Proud of your awareness and not turning over complete control of your life.  It's such a shame when an adult woman states she needs to be treated like a baby... .I'm with you, sadly,  I'd save that marriage proposal for a grown-up.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AnuDay]

Hi AnuDay-
Man... .I am so so sorry.  This is all so hard, but you do sound so much stronger and clearer than when we first met.  Please make sure to read all you can about protecting yourself and your children during this time.  Are you going to take the girls with you when you separate?  I just worry about them and your wife's revolving door of men.

Maybe you can "couch" that issue with her being busy with beauty school and you don't want her to get too stressed, etc.?  Can your family assist with childcare when you're at work, or maybe there's a good boys and girls club near you.  But please check in with the members who know more about these issues/legal/ custody to best protect the children and your rights as a father.

You do realize that if the boyfriend is emotionally needy she may not last long with him because she may become too exhausting for him.  Prepare yourself to stand strong if you're intent on maintaining the separation, my friend.

Proud of your awareness and not turning over complete control of your life.  It's such a shame when an adult woman states she needs to be treated like a baby... .I'm with you, sadly,  I'd save that marriage proposal for a grown-up.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

The easy days get easier the harder days get less hard.  Its a growing process.  This forum has helped immensely! I dont like treating adults like babies, but thats what shes been missing hence the affair with the older man.  The man just wants sex.  Hes a personal trainer and does this with a lot of women.  That and the 20 year age difference will cause problems.  My gfwBPD is too immature to realize this.  She likes the sex too. I just hate having to go through all of this court, legal, and other drama because of her naivity and immaturity. But, I press on.  Have to set a boundary. Its hard because Im also trying to keep her going to the counseling.  Hard not losing myself.  I do it for the kids though.  Thanks Gems and everyone else for reminding me how important custody will be.  I should be able to find reluctant help with the girls from my family.