My uBPD married lover / affair partner blames me for her suicide attempt

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I got a message from my ex on Saturday saying that I am not going to want to hear this, but she blames me for her suicide attempt.

The history of our r/s is that we had a long distance r/s where we met every couple of months and in between times she would distance herself. I loved her but I knew something was not quite right and so I tried to keep myself in balance during the times I wasn't seeing her.

Long story short there were alot of distancing behaviours including silence, verbal abuse, passive aggression, withholding affection and blaming me for anything that went wrong in her life.

A few months ago she was being particularly distant amd uncommunicative and so I walked away. She made a couple of attempts to contact me during the NC period, which I replied to but restated my case each time of why I walked away.

So then on Saturday I got her WhatsApp message saying she had made an attempt on her life which I had brought her to. I was kind of stunned but also saw it as part of her blame tendency. I wasn't sure if she was BPD until then but it seems that she is. She hasn't contacted me since though I told her I was sorry if I had hurt her and my only interest was in her health. She said 'It's too dangerous to come back unless you change your behaviour.' I told her that we had both suffered in the r/s but I just wanted her to get well and that I cared about her well being.

Don't know what else I could have said or done really.

[RomanticFool]

I got a message from my ex on Saturday saying that I am not going to want to hear this, but she blames me for her suicide attempt.

The history of our r/s is that we had a long distance r/s where we met every couple of months and in between times she would distance herself. I loved her but I knew something was not quite right and so I tried to keep myself in balance during the times I wasn't seeing her.

Long story short there were alot of distancing behaviours including silence, verbal abuse, passive aggression, withholding affection and blaming me for anything that went wrong in her life.

A few months ago she was being particularly distant amd uncommunicative and so I walked away. She made a couple of attempts to contact me during the NC period, which I replied to but restated my case each time of why I walked away.

So then on Saturday I got her WhatsApp message saying she had made an attempt on her life which I had brought her to. I was kind of stunned but also saw it as part of her blame tendency. I wasn't sure if she was BPD until then but it seems that she is. She hasn't contacted me since though I told her I was sorry if I had hurt her and my only interest was in her health. She said 'It's too dangerous to come back unless you change your behaviour.' I told her that we had both suffered in the r/s but I just wanted her to get well and that I cared about her well being.

Don't know what else I could have said or done really.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey headinaspin, Seems like you handled it well, from my perspective.  At the end of the day, you're not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  At the risk of sounding callus, her message sounds to me like an attempt to manipulate you through guilt.  Perhaps she was just crying wolf?  My BPDxW threatened to commit suicide 10-12 times so I understand the stress on you.  It's an issue for the professionals, in my view.

LuckyJim

[RomanticFool]

Hi Lucky Jim,

It seems a very extreme thing to tell somebody if it isn't true. I had reason to disbelieve some of the things she told me and often felt there was a lot she wasn't telling me, but nothing of this nature. It is truly off the scale.

She did tell me that she was under sedation and so I sent her a message today saying there is a lot of activity at night on WhatsApp for somebody who is under sedation. She isn't talking to me at the moment and I just did it to provoke a response so I can find out how she is. In retrospect I wish I hadn't. It is asking for trouble.

[Lucky Jim]

Hard to say.  Agree, it is an extreme thing to relate if untrue.  On the other hand, as you note, those w/BPD can be quite unreliable as narrators.  Is there any way for you to confirm one way or another, without going through her?  Well, she did provoke a response from you, which was presumably what she wanted.  Suggest you tread carefully here.  LJ

[RomanticFool]

Due to the fact we had a long distance r/s there isn't really a way of finding out. She said to me that she couldn't bend to my will anymore. The only thing I ever asked her to do when we were seeing each other is to stop giving me the silent treatment. Anything that I ever said and she didn't like would be met with silence for days on end.

I am half expecting her to react in a dramatic way to my message. From reading stuff on here about pwBPD, given the fact we haven't seen each other for four months, it seems likely that there would be somebody else in the picture. Especially if she is messaging at midnight. I'm afraid I don't quite believe her story - but I could be wrong. Though I suspected her of little fibs and omissions, I had no reason to suspect she would lie on this scale. So it may well be true.

I don't want to hurt her but equally I don't want to be made a fool of. It is a delicate balancing act. One day she was talking about getting back together and then she doesn't talk to me for three days. Typical push/pull behaviour. I think I just need to let this go. I am just really disturbed that she accuses me of driving her to a suicide attempt and then doesn't respond. It feels less like trying to engage and more trying to punish.

[roberto516]

I am not proud of this. But twice I threatened it to her. The first time was when I finally felt the rejection that she was done with me and this wasn't just some break where I could apologize for being angry (suppressing my feelings again) and her taking me back if I promised to be better.

The second time was very recent. I was drunk then. Both were based off the extreme rejection and the way I never have learned to cope with that in intimate relationships.

Now I had no intention of doing it. As a "non" it makes me feel very embarrassed to admit it. But yes, it was manipulation. It was a way for me to desperately try to have her show me any interest or care for me. Those two times, and all the raging I did at her are things I will never be proud of. I fully turned into a crazy, irrational human being which she can probably use to pain me at the "lunatic".

And you know what? If I did follow through with it. It would not have been her fault. Not one bit. It would have been my choice and my decision. So I would not beat yourself up. As someone who threatened it as a childish way to see if she cared it was all because I refused to cope with my own internal feelings and fears.

Hope this helps somewhat since it can give some perspective from the other side.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Roberto,

So last night I called my ex's bluff on the suicide attempt and told her I could see her activity on WhatsApp at midnight and she said she was looking to see what I'm doing. I asked her how she is able to do that when she told me she was under sedation? I told her that it was quite something to blame me for a suicide attempt, especially when she hasn't told me any details about what happened. She replied that I am still suspicious and haven't changed. I told her with the inconsistencies in her story is it any wonder I am suspicious? Her final words were, 'Go away and stop driving me mad.' I replied, 'If that is what you would like. I hope you are on the mend.' Those will be my last words to her. I have deleted her from WhatsApp and will go back to NC. I don't want to block her just in case the suicide attempt was genuine and it triggers something.

I have detached from her significantly. It has reminded me of how she behaved towards me when she was drinking heavily and that lasted for over a year. I ended up walking away that time too, but she eventually sought help and I took her back. I should never have taken her back then and this time I won't make the same mistake. If it is true and she made the attempt, I should not have anything to do with such an unstable person, especially one who is prepared to blame it on me. If it isn't true and she is lying/exaggerating, I definitely shouldn't have anything to do with her.

I had food poisoning over the weekend and was very ill which I mentioned to her. She told me to go away, even after telling her that, with no inquiry into my health. For me this is the final straw. Absolute proof that there is no concern from her as to my well being, just as all the literature on BPD states. I am beginning to fall out of love with her, which is sad but for the best.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RomanticFool, I don't buy it.  Her angry response doesn't sound to me like that of someone who has recently attempted to take her own life.  I could be wrong, of course, but my gut feeling is that she was just crying wolf in order to elicit a response from you.  Agree with your plan to let go.

LJ

[talking rose]

Hi RomanticFool,
Your story has so many similarities to mine that I find it oddly validating.  My BPD husband had suicidal thoughts a couple of months ago, and checked himself in to the hospital.  When he was released, he refused to come home, saying that it was too toxic an environment for him to be in, unless I am willing to change my behaviors.  At first, I felt a mixture of guilt and fear and anger.  It was so disturbing to be blamed for suicidal thoughts (and an eventual diagnosis of severe depression.)  I know logically that no matter what I do, I cannot make his depression or suicidal thoughts go away, but yet this guilt trip works in making me question and second guess everything I have done in the relationship.  It is some serious crazy making.  
Is there some kind of handbook that BPDs use as a guide for their behavior?  Because how else can they be using the exact same tactics to manipulate and guilt us, including even some of the same language?

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Lucky Jim,

That is the conclusion I came to as well. It just doesn't ring true at all to me.

Hi Talking Rose,

Yes, there certainly does seem to be some kind of manual for BPD behaviours. In a rare moment of self awareness after she recovered from a year long drinking binge, my ex said she always takes it out on the people she loves most, as if it was obvious and that is what everybody does. The push/pull cycle is currently very extreme in her because I walked away 3 months ago and it clearly triggered her abandonment fears. I told her today that we need to have a conversation about this because she is currently stalking me on WhatsApp. I didn't say it in those terms but said I'd like to 'resolve our issues as I care about her well-being.' I know that I will hear from her in about 2 or 3 days time.

Blaming me, silent treatment, crazy making, these are all behaviours that I am very familiar with. I try to be as empathic and validating to her as I can without being a doormat, strong in the knowledge that I have no intention of recycling the r/s. I just want to make sure she is ok because I am the stronger of the two of us and she cannot see beyond her emotional dysregulation.

In the years that I have known her she has made several suicide threats. This is the first time she has claimed she has tried it since I've known her. I think she is acting out to guilt trip me and try and get me back under control. I love this woman deeply but I am also not going to allow her to take me hostage. She always characterises me as the aggressor in our disagreements. I have tried to point out on several occasions that the reason I have been difficult with her at times is because she keeps pushing me away.

I have come to understand that she can stand no criticism whatsoever. I also try to sandwich my own issues between validation of her good points. I was recently abroad and I sent her a photograph of a shop with her name on it and told her that I am always thinking of her. That is the kind of thing that I know sits well with her. As I say, I am not interested in recycling the r/s but more interested in letting her know that she is not alone in the world. She talks about everybody having let her down. I think if her suicide attempt was exaggeration, the fact she feels the need to do that speaks of a very sad and lonely woman. I can at least have empathy towards her without allowing her to use me as a doormat. It is a fine balance and I can only really do it by having some emotional detachment.

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I sent her a message today saying there is a lot of activity at night on WhatsApp for somebody who is under sedation. She isn't talking to me at the moment and I just did it to provoke a response... .

Is it a good idea to provoke or shame someone after they have made a suicide attempt (or had any emotional breakdown)?

I know there are elements of addiction around this r/s but among all of that there is very real and genuine love. If you take the sex and intensity away, I still think of her in loving terms. That is why it is so difficult to let go. If it was just about sex, the feelings would leave me pretty quickly, but they don't. There is something about this woman that I admire and she has touched my heart that goes way beyond the sexual attachment.

It's a troubled relationship. You play a lot of mind game with her. You have admitted that.

• If this was a real suicide attempt, your actions very well could be pushing her beyond her ability to cope.  

• If it was not a suicide attempt, but an emotional breakdown, the same applies.

• If it was counter manipulation to your pressure on her to see you more, that is a real toxic sign all the way around.

RM. if you look back through your posts, there is a lot of push and pull on your side of the street. You have discussed sex addiction and needing her as a sex object. You have also discussed loving her (a leaving your wife) and loathing/pitying her.

When she pulls away from you, you are almost manic in your desires for her to be your life partner. When she reaches out, you lash back at her and provoke her.

You've mentioned wanting to let her go gracefully - but then you typically provoke her in the next few hours.  You have done this a few times now.

What's up? She is weak. She has said she can't handle the pressure to step up the affair.

I told her that we had both suffered in the r/s but I just wanted her to get well and that I cared about her well being.

Can you let it end here? No more provocation? You keep saying you should (not that you want to, but that it is the healthy thing to do).

I'm going to ask a really hard question... .does this latest event ("suicide" give you strength and make you feel that you are winning and she might acquiesce to you long term request for her to put more effort/time into the affair? Maybe even leave her husband, now?

I only ask because you seem most calm when she is struggling and most upset when she is in stable and expressing her own needs. That and the fact that you are not emotionally terrified that this might really have been a suicide attempt. If I loved someone and thought they were distraught to this level, I would be really deeply concerned.

Hard question. I know.

Only someone who cares would dare ask.

[RomanticFool]

There has been a development.

She asked me yesterday to reinstate her on FB. Since Saturday I have been careful not to criticise her about anything. I had food poisoning when I was away for the weekend and I just felt that life is too short to be at war with a person I care about. Therefore, the communication between us has been cordial and more understanding on my part.

So yesterday, she said, 'If you consider me to be worthy of being in your life, then put me on FB and stop chucking me off like so much rubbish when you've fallen out with me. It's cruel and makes me feel ___.'

I replied: 'I understand that it hurts being taken of my FB. I want you to know that I always consider you a person worthy of being in my life. I only took you off because you blocked me on your phone. I will try to be gentler with you if you will not go silent on me.'

She replied: 'I go silent when I have to out of self preservation. I need to stay as chilled as I can, otherwise the suicidal thoughts crowd in and I'm unsafe.'

I replied: 'I understand that you feel unsafe as you have mentioned that before. I would like you to talk to me if you feel unsafe rather than running away. As I said, I am going to try to be gentler with you. This is new territory for me and I need your help.'

We exchanged 'good mornings' today and I asked her to tell me what happened re the suicide attempt. She said she was presently in the 'clinic' waiting to be seen.

I asked her if she had been an in patient at any point and she replied: 'I was over night.'

That is the last communication I have had with her. I reinstated her on FB. Why did I do all of this? Well it isn't for any hope of a rekindling of our r/s. Her words on Saturday about me being responsible for her suicide attempt have cut deep. She told me before that she did it because she feels she has nothing to live for and everybody has let her down, including people in AA. It is my opinion that what she needs more than anything is a bit of support. I am in a stronger place to provide that then I was 11 weeks ago.

[RomanticFool]

Is it a good idea to provoke or shame someone after they have made a suicide attempt (or had any emotional breakdown)?

No, it was a terrible idea, but I felt desperate at that time. I also was just trying to find out what had really happened.

It's a troubled relationship. You play a lot of mind game with her. You have admitted that.

If this was a real suicide attempt, your actions very well could be pushing her beyond her ability to cope.  

If it was not a suicide attempt, but an emotional breakdown, the same applies.

If it was counter manipulation to your pressure on her to see you more, that is a real toxic sign all the way around.

For these reasons I have offered her the hand of help and support rather than demanding anything. If this is a counter manipulation, as this point I don't care, I just want to know that she is alright.I hope my new approach will be supportive if this was a suicide attempt or emotional breakdown.

RM. if you look back through your posts, there is a lot of push and pull on your side of the street. You have discussed sex addiction and needing her as a sex object. You have also discussed loving her (a leaving your wife) and loathing/pitying her.

None of this matters as the moment. I just want her to get well. I can see I have also done push/pull at times of stress and at times of high emotion.

When she pulls away from you, you are almost manic in your desires for her to be your life partner. When she reaches out, you lash back at her and provoke her.

The problem I had was I didn't trust her. I thought her reaching out to me during the times of NC was because she is a 'typical' BPD and was being manipulative and perhaps had met somebody else. I don't know the truth of the situation but I am going to behave towards her as if it was a genuine suicide attempt because I care about her and I have had enough of JADE. I have tried SET and GIVE instead and it just feels better.

You've mentioned wanting to let her go gracefully - but then you typically provoke her in the next few hours.  You have done this a few times now.

What's up? She is weak. She has said she can't handle the pressure to step up the affair.

With a bit of distance and detachment, I can see this now. This is no longer about stepping up the affair. I feel sad for her and want to undo some damage.

Can you let it end here? No more provocation? You keep saying you should (not that you want to, but that it is the healthy thing to do).

I believe she wants a friendship. Perhaps I am strong enough to be able to do that without demanding sex. I don't know. It is quite a thing for her to say that I am responsible for her suicide attempt. While I don't feel responsible, I do think she is telling me that she feels abandoned by the lack of contact and I cannot do that to her.

I'm going to ask a really hard question... .does this latest event ("suicide" give you strength and make you feel that you are winning and she might acquiesce to you long term request for her to put more effort/time into the affair? Maybe even leave her husband, now?

Not in the slightest. I feel horrified and alarmed. There is not now and never has been any chance of her leaving her husband. The woman is on the edge of a depressive abyss and I probably couldn't cope with her in terms of knowing what to do for her. This is no longer about our relationship, this is about the health of somebody I care about who is sick and ailing. If being reinstated on FB gives her comfort then I am happy to do that.

I only ask because you seem most calm when she is struggling and most upset when she is in stable and expressing her own needs. That and the fact that you are not emotionally terrified that this might really have been a suicide attempt. If I loved someone and thought they were distraught to this level, I would be really deeply concerned.

Hard question. I know.

Only someone who cares would dare ask.

I am emotionally terrified. Whatever I have said about this attempted suicide in other posts on here was denial. It was suggested to me by others that perhaps this was manipulation, and I thought it could be true. Having spoken to her I don't believe it is.

Even if it was manipulation, it doesn't change my approach, she must be in terrible pain to to say she tried to kill herself if she didn't. However, I now believe that she was telling the truth.

You said to me before that I have self awareness but not as much as I think. I replied that I didn't think I had much self awareness around BPD. Well I believe I am getting a little now and perhaps I am coming out of the sex addiction and waking up to the emotional devastation that has occurred, with her and also with myself.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi RF,

I am glad to hear you are reaching a new position on the relationship.  That is great news.  Seems to me that there's a need for change in ourselves before we can consider any form of further interaction with our ex's that might go differently and it sounds like you've put real thought into this. 

It's also good to know that you've managed to have something of a proper conversation about the attempt which has brought you to a place of understanding about her emotional state right now.  This woman is clearly experiencing great difficulty and it's good she felt able to share with you about her reasons for becoming unresponsive at times.  Does this make more sense to you now?  The fact she told you this would suggest that your changed approach is proving successful at this point.  Hopefully if she has received some professional help around the crisis she will also learn some coping methods through ongoing support from the service involved. 

I hope that you are taking care of your own needs too and continue to be active in your own personal growth, as you must look after yourself if you mean to be a supportive person in her life.  Do let us know how things are going.

Love and light x