Adult child of BPD with narcissism

[May234]

I'm an adult child of parent (father) of BPD with narcissism. He has never been treated for it. I'm now beginning to realise just how difficult and stressful my childhood was and how abnormal a parent he was. He caused a lot of suffering with his severe mood swings, cruel remarks, put downs, constant lies depression anxiety.,huge spiralling debt and the consequences. The relationship is now very strained and I try not to see him but then feel a huge range of conflicting emotions and guilt. I just feel a huge amount of anger towards him and don't know how to cope with it and all the problems which I believe were caused by a difficult childhood, what should I do?would counselling help or make it worse? I'm struggling with the consequences of growing up with s BPD parent.

[Peacefromwithin]

I'm an adult child of parent (father) of BPD with narcissism. He has never been treated for it. I'm now beginning to realise just how difficult and stressful my childhood was and how abnormal a parent he was. He caused a lot of suffering with his severe mood swings, cruel remarks, put downs, constant lies depression anxiety.,huge spiralling debt and the consequences. The relationship is now very strained and I try not to see him but then feel a huge range of conflicting emotions and guilt. I just feel a huge amount of anger towards him and don't know how to cope with it and all the problems which I believe were caused by a difficult childhood, what should I do?would counselling help or make it worse? I'm struggling with the consequences of growing up with s BPD parent.

Hi May!   Welcome!

I'm a newbie here, too, but I will share with you what worked for me. I have an uBPD/NPD mother and a uNPD father. I found that therapy helped a lot for me and I am still working through some things. Also, reading the lessons and Survivors Guide here to the right ---> are really helpful.

The other thing that helped me was "forgiving" my parents in my heart. What that means is, I'm learning how to let go of all the anger I've carried around for all these years that my parents weren't different. All that anger was only hurting myself. By letting go of the anger, I can separate myself from it.

Also I recommend the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem" Jan 1, 2004, by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman

A friend once said to me regarding their behavior and their never seeming to change: "You didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't control it." I had to find a way to just let them be their crazy insane selves and accept it instead of wracking my brain trying to understand why they are like that. Another friend once said to me, ":)on't expect rational behavior from irrational people."

I hope that helps. Good luck to you on your healing journey. 

[Turkish]

Hi May234,

I'd like to join Peacefromwithin in welcoming you to the family here.  

Healing is a journey,  but it's easy to get stuck in places.  If you had to judge from where you are starting, take a look at the Survivor's Guide in the right margin.  Where do you see yourself right now?

The relationship is now very strained and I try not to see him but then feel a huge range of conflicting emotions and guilt.

A lot of us have gone,  or are going through this,  so you're in good company  

Finding a therapist would be a good place to start. I had a negative view of therapy for decades,  but in my 40s, I embraced it and found that talking to a person that wouldn't judge me for my feelings oh so valuable.  

Turkish

[May234]

Thank you both, both your replies are really helpful.i think I am 'stuck' in the anger, resentment stage. I'm going to seek out some therapy as the realisation and emotions to do with it are a little overwhelming right now. Thanks again.

[Junebugg]

I went to counseling for many years (and plan on going back as soon as I find one in the new town I just moved to). I think it is a wonderful resource.

So sorry to hear about the terrible upbringing you had, no one should have to endure that.

Anger can mean so many things, from confusion, depression, resentment, etc. It is important to work through these feelings with a non-biased professional who is trained in helping people cope and manage with such life obstacles. 

Just the fact that you are aware of your emotions is a step in the right direction! Hopefully this forum, and some one-on-one counseling, helps you get to where you want to be in life.