I'm exhausted

[Depression = 72% of members]

My sister has BPD, is divorced, has 3 young sons, and if it weren't for them, I would go no-contact if not for them.

I'm soaking in negative, hostile emotions right now (and I have my own problems I'm working on in my life).  I'm keeping this short since I'd rather read what others wrote, but I'm forced to write this introduction. 

It's been a bad couple of days, and I feel like I've been rubbed with sandpaper.

I'm 51, she's 41, and is a late onset Type 1 diabetic who doesn't take care of herself.  She also was let go from her job a week ago.  I'm at the end of the rope with her.

[Faith2014]

My sister has BPD, is divorced, has 3 young sons, and if it weren't for them, I would go no-contact if not for them.

I'm soaking in negative, hostile emotions right now (and I have my own problems I'm working on in my life).  I'm keeping this short since I'd rather read what others wrote, but I'm forced to write this introduction. 

It's been a bad couple of days, and I feel like I've been rubbed with sandpaper.

I'm 51, she's 41, and is a late onset Type 1 diabetic who doesn't take care of herself.  She also was let go from her job a week ago.  I'm at the end of the rope with her.

[Kwamina]

Hi Faith2014

Though you feel forced to introduce yourself  I would still like to give you a warm welcome to our online community  Many of our members (including me) have a BPD sibling too and know how frustrating and stressful that can be.

Has your sister perhaps been officially diagnosed with BPD and/or any other mental/emotional/behavioral disorders?

You mention your sister's 3 young children. Having a BPD mother can be very hard for young children. How does your sister generally treat her sons?

Take care and I hope that participating here and reading others' stories will help you cope and also heal

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Faith2014! 

Thank you for taking the time to post your introduction. It helps us to know a bit about you and to have the opportunity to let you know that we can relate to much of what you are going through because we all have someone with BPD in our lives here at C&H. For once you are not alone.

Does your sister live close to you? I am very sorry for the turmoil she is causing. It presses us beyond what we feel we can handle when we have our own challenges at the same time. How old are her children, and do you have a good relationship with them?

Please keep reaching out to us. That's what we are here for.
 
Wools

[Faith2014]

I'm still raw - I feel like my souls has been rubbed with sandpaper... .

Where to start?

I'll say she's partially undiagnosed.  I finally got her to see my PDoc a couple of years ago who had said she sounded like she could have bipolar (before she met her).  While I've mentioned things that happened to her that caused an impact on life when I would see my PDoc, the focus certainly hasn't been on A (as I will call my sister here).  

I once brought up how I was trying to learn more about bipolar to my PDoc who hemmed and hawed, finally saying that there were other issues that would appear similar to bipolar at first glance, namely Borderline Personality Disorder.  So off I went, and was surprised that A's picture wasn't in the book Walking on Eggshells because it's her to a tee.

So while I guess I formally have to go with uBPD, it's diagnosed in my opinion.

My PDoc doesn't believe in labels because she said that many people hide behind them.  A is definitely someone who would.

Her sons are 8, 7 and 7 (the twins turn 7 as of next week).  She loves them, but I think she is limited in her parenting skills due to the focus of her as Victim taking center stage over everything else.

She's depressed, has anxiety and OCD as well.  Type 1 diabetic, drinks (to what extent, I'm not sure), and has done illegal drugs in the past.  About 5 years ago she did bath salts, attacked her husband, and had to be handcuffed to a hospital bed.

She had cheated on him, refused to stop, and insisted on an open marriage.  Well, be careful what you wish for, rt?  He got a GF, then decided to move out, but still pay some support.  She filed for divorce (because he abandoned her) and things have been hell ever since.  There were issues before they even got married - she's been a troubled, tormented soul her whole life.  While he certainly was a dreadful husband, I can't condone infidelity.  But to her it was nothing (a BPS symptom I'd bet).

I live about 10 minutes away and am very involved in the lives of the kids, which creates minor resentment as well.  However, we had a very fractured family growing up, filled with strife, alcohol abuse and DV.  So family is very important to A.

My 72 y.o. mother has been there nearly every day with the kids since they were born, and does the heavy lifting of taking care of them.

I've been exposed to A's issues in terms of cleaning her messes up.  Thursday may have been the 1st time that I experienced the full onslaught, aimed at me, with me simultaneously being the most important person in her life, to me being the cause of all her problems.  She just lost her job the previous week, and was out of insulin.  Of course, this could have been prevented had she taken care of the issue before hand (new dr., changed the script, not enough... .going into a holiday weekend).  By 3 pm, she hadn't eaten, but managed to put away a red bull (and there was an empty bottle of Jaeger in the garbage).  At first when I dropped off the kids (they were at a scout day camp) she was hysterical.  I first thought she was drunk, then feared a diabetic reaction (it's happened before, and incoherence and babbling are part of it).  I ended up calling the paramedics (against her wishes) and they said it wasn't life threatening.  

Long story short, because I could go on and on, I think she was drunk.  It was that or drugs, or a complete mental breakdown.  I think stress, BPD, and alcohol all contributed to a perfect storm.  I've never seen her like this before.

Frankly, I think the bath salts fried out parts of her brain before since she was more of a functioning adult before then.  I've been a wreck since then.  Growing up with an alcoholic father, I think my extreme extended reaction is almost life a PTSD flashback.

I've spent hours poring over the welcome boards and am happy to see the both of you reply!  I admire what you two have posted elsewhere.

[Faith2014]

Just a bit of backstory on me... .I've been on Cymbalta for 10 years + for depression/social anxiety.  Did a stint of CBT which helped immensely.  On April 8, I quit Cymbalta cold turkey, which even Lilly recommends against.  Not one of my better choices, but I travel for work and stayed away over a weekend.  By the time I realized that I had missed taking my pills, a week had gone by.  So I stayed off them.

I started using amino acids (Mood Cure, Julia Ross inspired) and found them to be very helpful.  As of a week ago, my good days were outnumbering my bad days.  Well, until Thursday.

I had started reviewing info about ACES (adverse childhood experiences) and decided to take some of the non-drug approaches recommended to make myself well.  My company had been bought out, with my insurance changing as of 7/1, so I had a couple of therapy options selected, waiting until I got my new insurance card.

This weekend intensified my need to see someone.  I've been down ever since and crying on and off.  I called 1st thing this morning and have an appt set up with someone to discuss childhood trauma, and I think the therapist may be involved with DBT as well.

When I've been reading all the BPS stuff, I see a lot of myself in the descriptions.  I'm not necessarily diagnosing myself with BPS, but I think I may be "borderline"  Borderline   

I'm pretty high functioning - by society's standards I have done fairly well.  I have a degree, a well paying job although my career options are decreasing due to changes in the technical field I'm in, I have a SO, no kids, but a nice house that I'm less than 10 years from owning outright. 

It seems like my successes are vinegar in A's wounds.  She's driving my old car, I cover part of her mortgage, I do a lot for her kids, etc.  So she hates me for that. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

When I've been reading all the BPS stuff, I see a lot of myself in the descriptions.  I'm not necessarily diagnosing myself with BPS, but I think I may be "borderline"  Borderline        

Most people have some degree of a BPD trait or two.  It is common for mental illness to run in families.  Mental illness can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.

I tend to think that those who struggle with depression, anxiety (and other mental issues) and refuse to get counseling and/or meds, they are more likely to evolve to a wear a BPD label.  Most people with BPD won't admit they have issues to work on.

I'm so sorry that you are having a problem with depression and anxiety.  I've had my own struggles and at least in my experience, I find that depression/anxiety can come and go during your lifetime. I've always had some degree of "Winter Blues" throughout my life.  As I've gotten older, my bad Winters are more constant, so I take a low dose of an antidepressant (Start at the end of Summer & take a break from it during Spring & most the Summer).

I hope that you are successful in finding a therapist you like.  Don't be afraid to go back on some meds, if needed.  I've tried some over-the-counter remedies in the past.  If your depression/anxiety is periodic, it can be hard to determine over-the-counter products are really working or is it a matter that your body chemistry just has the right stuff for a period of time.  Hormonal fluctuations/issues can have some impact for some people as well.

Hang in there.  I hope things improve for you soon. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again Faith2014

When I've been reading all the BPS stuff, I see a lot of myself in the descriptions.  I'm not necessarily diagnosing myself with BPS, but I think I may be "borderline"  Borderline    

You had a tough childhood with an alcoholic dad and BPD sister. It makes sense to me that this could affect you now also in your adult life. I think Naughty Nibbler has made some very good points. Many of our members have found themselves dealing with BPD-like traits after growing up in an environment with disordered family-members. This does not necessarily have to mean that you have BPD though. Often these are learned behaviors that members have adopted from their disordered family-members. Fortunately, through hard work these unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms can also be unlearned or at least better managed. We had a discussion about this a while back that you might find interesting:
Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

Frankly, I think the bath salts fried out parts of her brain before since she was more of a functioning adult before then.  I've been a wreck since then.  Growing up with an alcoholic father, I think my extreme extended reaction is almost life a PTSD flashback.

I also encourage you to check out a thread about dealing with trauma and so-called emotional flashbacks:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

This is how Pete Walker, M.A. describes emotional flashbacks:

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings' to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair.
... .
Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness.

Does this description of emotional flashbacks resonate with you?

[Faith2014]

Yes, but I've started doing a lot of research into my own issues shortly before this last melt-down.  It started with learning about ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and I've gone on to buy 2 books dealing with the issue of childhood trauma: Childhood Disrupted ... .how your biography becomes your biology, and how you can heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa, and The Body Keeps Score (Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma) by Bessel van der Kolk, MD (2014).

I have many pages of the 1st book dog-eared, but the 2nd book... .I have pages of hand written notes.  Dr. van der Kolk presents the scientific research on many aspects of childhood trauma (and was part of the committee trying to get the new DSM updated with the complex PTSD diagnosis, to no avail) as well as what has worked and not worked in terms of reducing the reliving (NOT remembering according to his analysis of many brain scans) of trauma.  To drill down into the reliving context, brain scans have shown that while people are brought back 'into' the traumatic event, the limbic section (esp the amygdala) lights up (no surprise here).  However, the frontal lobe and the MPFC (medial prefrontal cortex) shows a significant decrease in activity.  These areas handle sequencing, cause and effect - basically,  your left brain.  His theory is that normal people (those not suffering from PTSD) are able to process the bad things triggered in the emotional regions of the brain when their left brain is active.  The challenge for them is to keep in mind that all of this is a memory, happened in the past, etc.  But for PTSDs, there's no 'there' there in the left region.  Thus, it's not part of our reality.   

By "our", I include all of us growing up with PTSD and who are aware of it, as well as many BPDs.

His understanding is that the trauma caused the brain to change it's wiring, and that we must help the brain change the way it processes our thoughts.  So as you can see, that leads into mindfulness, etc.  Given that a link I read (that I got to from one of your links above) talked about complex PTSD and that many BPDs suffer from it, I think it's highly pertinent to both BPDs and the nons in their lives. 

Interestingly enough, he found that CBT is not helpful in PTSD cases.  I've done that therapy, and it helped for what I was using it for.  This was about 10 years ago so it was prior to my understanding of childhood PTSD (both me and my sister) or BPD.  He didn't address BPDs, nor DBT. 

The dr's book resonated more with me because I'm very solutions-oriented.  (That makes the relationship with my sister very challenging, as I've learned in real life and by seeing what doesn't work according to the boards.)  I have an appt with a therapist in 1.5 weeks, so I'm trying not to jump the gun and try everything at once (and do everything poorly as a result_ While nothing is guaranteed,  this book has given me hope for myself, and perhaps for my sister. 

She's not the type that would get excited over the theories, options, etc.  But I know A hates herself, feels victimized, etc.  But she knows the issues go back to her childhood (even bringing that up in her drunken rant last week), and perhaps the ACES (https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/ ) info may give her a lifeline to grab on to. 

Naughty Nibbler  said that most BPDs refuse to admit they have any problems to work on.  I think A knows she has issues, but thinks no one can help, and that she is powerless to fix them.  I think.  Who knows, I'm sure it varies constantly.

[Faith2014]

Things continue to go bad.  About a month ago, A unloaded on my about not respecting her boundaries.  I decided not to fight, and pulled back.

About 2 weeks later, she contacted an old friend of hers who had reported her to CPS and asked about my role in it, and what I had said.  Her old friend notified me, and she decided to stay very non-committal since it was 5 years ago.  She could barely remember much of it anyway.  I believe she was trying to get ammo against me to push me out of her life.  (well, her sons' lives)

Now, she emailed me tonight asking why I thought she had bipolar years ago, and why didn't I talk to her about it.  And she asked me what I was talking to our mutual psychiatrist about with reference to her.

I was very non-committal in my replies since she's really just looking for more ammo against me.  I would go NC except for the boys.  I believe she truly hates me.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Faith2014

I am sorry you are still dealing with this difficult behavior from your sister.

About a month ago, A unloaded on my about not respecting her boundaries.  I decided not to fight, and pulled back.

Did anything specific happen before she did this? What boundaries does she feel you don't respect or did she just make a general statement without going in to specifics?

Now, she emailed me tonight asking why I thought she had bipolar years ago, and why didn't I talk to her about it.  And she asked me what I was talking to our mutual psychiatrist about with reference to her.

To help you deal with difficult or hostile communications, the following techniques can be helpful:

Avoiding circular arguments --> Don't J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

Dealing with hostile communications --> Keep it B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (well at least not unfriendly as in civil), Firm

I believe she truly hates me.

If your sister indeed has BPD, she likely has a very unstable sense of self and very distorted thinking and perception. This could then at least partly explain why she behaves the way she does. It could be that she actually does love you, but as a result of her disorder she might find it very difficult to express her love in a manner which actually feels loving.