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Author Topic: Black and white question and a bit of background  (Read 1153 times)
Whoad
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« on: June 30, 2017, 07:25:10 PM »

Thank you for such a great forum... I am currently in a relationship with uBPD dHPD woman. In the last 6 years I have been on the recieving end of the split. Each time I am returned to white.

However, her split is pretty drastic, she has her trigger, rejection or abandonment. She then plots a move to another man in another state and she then gathers the kids regardless of their needs and moves.  All in secret. Lots of subterfuge, elaborate lies.

Then after she arrives she makes excuse for her move, or projects, the bad of whom it is... me , or that she is making a grand new start. Blasting a fantasy that she is great mom to make thing work with her ex husband, or now to try a new man... Usually in fantasy mode people who don't know her see as positive and support, we the family see it as trouble for her, kids, and the disaster the will unfold... she has been so stable here, says her family, the most stable she has ever been.

The first time she did this to me - it ended in tragedy for her oldest. Black Lasted 62 days from onset of silent treatment. I was unaware she had something wrong with her emotions... I became the rescuer...

 6 yrs went by no issues--the second time she made a go with an ex she says... .that was a huge move and huge deceptions, and lots of lies. Ended when I was split white by unknown reason. Black for 79 days from Silent treatment.

This time split black, in less than week and preplanning was a week to run to guy she had met on the internet and texted a total of 25 times before I realized what was happening. She distanced me emotionally, called me cling, needy, and I was far from it, I had unfortunately denied a special moment time for us. --that day she texted this guy... I researched him once I saw my phone bill and he was never mentioned in the six years I have known her, and no one else knew him... I recognize the signs now... 3rd time charm.

So I'm currently in Black... my family asked if he was placed in White even though she had no idea who he is or was. They asked me if more than one person can be black at any time? And will he do something to trigger him to black and me back to white?

I think it just happens , snap... .doesn't matter how many or who they are placed in black... what is the usual seen in your lives. 

Thanks for your time to read and respond

Ps... all the moves and passive agressive tactics are centered at hurting me... .because she knows where to hurt me...


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« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2017, 10:23:19 PM »

Hi Whoad,

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're split black, I can relate with that, I've been split black far longer than a couple of months. The last time was a couple of years. You know a lot about splitting, you probably already know that it helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, it will help with normalizing it and depersonalizing the behaviours, it's something that a pwBPD are going through, it's not personal. If you think about it, a pwBPD split the people that they care about most.

You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board  Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) I'm glad that you d cider to join us, many of us can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.
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Whoad
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« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2017, 01:43:50 PM »

Hi Whoad,

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily... .it will help with normalizing it and depersonalizing the behaviours, it's something that a pwBPD are going through, it's not personal. If you think about it, a pwBPD split the people that they care about most.

You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board

Thank you, and yes. I will utilize that... it's good to know that they split the people they care the most about... I'm trying to take all personalizing away from it, and be non reactive... just learn and be prepared for me... hope they will be safe during this episode. It strikes me odd that they endanger themselves when they are afraid of the world and rejection and abandonment. 
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Whoad
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« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2017, 09:29:16 PM »

Well, I have spent the weekend reading, watching videos, re reading, and scouring everything I can from this site...

I need to work on empathy, and reflective listening skills, and at this point patience.

I am confused about her actions so far... I don't want to go into the details of all that has happened... but when she left, she lied about her trip, she lied to her kids... she left to punish me... she threatened me if I contacted her.

She is making wierder decisions, 

1) she tells her dad what state she is in. Wednesday
2) she then tells Aunt- Wednesday what state ---whom admonished her severely whom later ask where to send gifts --she wants to know where she went. (Unfriended aunt) now black
 
3) she posts on site the town and state location of where she is (only I can see it )

4 ) then she emails the other. Aunt ( whom is usually split black. Bad blood  between her ) gives her new phone number and the mailing address
 4a . This aunt and I talk a lot. She knows that we talk...
        We are well grounded and get along. But we only talk when she does this split and run thing...

5) today she tells her dad what town she is in...

I mean this is weird stuff. 

Classic stuff-- slighted by rejection, makes an elaborate plan to leave, lies and lies, to execute plan, runs/leaves to another man, this time a complete stranger, whom moved her in with him... they talked about 3 days total... he has two boys likely not in his custody.  She then isolates me by silence, tells family lies and projection, and all to get agreement what she has done... no one ever agrees with her...

She then uses social media, Facebook to garner support... and other passive aggressive methods to hurt me with pics of him and her... all fake photos...
 (children have become invisible)
( we have not seen the activity we have on past episodes it has been very quiet with her almost like she is ashamed to let the world  know what she has done to us and her kids... )

Then at some point a charm, and there  will sometimes be a circular argument etc... ( I bail on those, I don't involve my feelings, and use medium chill, I  will begin empathy next time ) then she split white and then a rescue happens 
it takes about 2 -3 months...  

I hate it... just be mad at home... I wish the kids were here...   I never get silent treatment at home... .it's always when she takes off into her new fantasy world we call it...

Sorry for jumping off a bit...

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« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2017, 11:00:37 PM »

Hi Whoad,

It's your discussion, you can talk about whatever you feel like. I couldn't help but notice a theme impulsitivity. She's been more impulsive lately?
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Whoad
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« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2017, 11:26:09 PM »

Yes, seems to be a standard. Her life has signs of impulsive actions all over... I cannot believe she has never been in jail, in the past, however when she is highly stresssed like this last time... I think was combination of very very bad day at work, my lack of inattentive intimacy she needed... (I was withdrawn for totally unrelated reasons and blew her off) she contacted this new guy that afternoon and within 8 days she had planned, plotted , and executed this stupid move to punish me... I'm glad it's not drugs or alcohol...

Perfect storm. I guess... stupid reasons but with emotional reactions like this and no way to work it out. I am here in black... but it's my time, I can go ride,  go fishing,  do what I want. A vacation of sorts.though I'm utilizing a lot of it, to help me and the family... I love them so much...  
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« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2017, 06:24:40 PM »

Having a bit of confusion with all I am learning.

I will give an examples of behavior I know... is it deregulation or disassociation.

From the time then person makes decision and becoming emotionally and physically distance... Cold shoulder

The nasty I can't deal with this blah blah blah lies and justifications. text or email

The ideation that leaving your loved ones for a man you met on the internet within 11 days and moving your kids and think it will work?

Telling dad where your at- state only
Then tellin another family member- state only
Several days later. --Then placing information on your social info where only  I can see it... city and state.
A few more days later--Then telling another family member your address and phone number
Then telling your father only the town and state you are in... ( all combined)

I have difficulty figuring out what is what by definition... because in my opinion this is all disassociation of reality to a fantasy life on impulse emotional driven fear of rejection or  mask or bury the hurt of a rejection or abdonment trigger.   

Actions include: Which will include silent treatment ( why) , moving away, then passive agressive attacks, from social media, isolation of family and kids from me... then  charming then charming then split to white... need of me rescuer.

anyone ? I need clarification for my own thoughts...
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« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2017, 01:08:23 AM »

Her aunt called her yesterday. She spoke to the daughter and the daughter could not talk openly... but she is  distressed.  Auntie then had daughter leave the room, and then she laid hardcore into my BPDso... she had her crying on the phone, things discussed where her decision making, right v wrong, teaching lying, deceit, etc... she didn't let up. I didn't  intend this to happen to her, but that's the choice of the aunt. It make sense why I was attacked passive aggressively on a app.

My BPDso apparently called her grandmother tonight, she messaged me she was contacted by her and asked me if I was ok... I will speak to her guarded -- I believe she is on my side, as she was the last time... but I'm not sure... I believe my BPDso is looking for validation of her actions--though deeply she knows she was wrong... (if you weren't wrong why hide it... but it is what it is... )

I hope family on her side is not making it worse... the two aunts believe she is spiraling down, coming to terms... I don't know... pray for us.

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« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2017, 04:34:46 PM »

I'm 23 days into the Silent treatment, no contact by her, either, text, email, phone call, anything... also being split, "black" - hate this... I have not let my feelings be known, by any social media things she will surely monitor, as they do...

It sucks, I miss them all so very much. I know the kids are unhappy, via Aunts speaking with the kids. I don't dare make contact... I know she is miserable that's the disorder... I wish I knew what triggered this, but I cannot change it. I hope that my freinds and family are seeing the escalation as moving quicker to resolving her dynamic fight. I want them home... to begin the healing, to be empathetic, to be family.

Uggghh...

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« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2017, 10:03:55 PM »

So... I was thinking... uhhoohh

The lack of knowledge of what is happening down there, as opposed to changes she was doing last time she went to her other runaway location... is another form of passive aggressiveness.


 I hate this disorder.  I >~^}^~> hate it... it's not fair to have people have this...

She shared videos to her aunt... of the kids... still unhappy kids but having to put on a show nonetheless. But one Aunt can seem the videos but not the other.

I'm struggling now... I want to react, I want to talk, but it would be fruitless... it would do me more harm. 

Grrrr
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« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2017, 05:32:52 PM »

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) I'm a bit concerned-- I was looking at her pictures she posted in the last few weeks, those she purposefully places. She looks sick... like my question is this "normal" that they become to look deIsheveled, thin, hair looks flat, she does look so off, crazy eyed...  

I have seen my fair share of mental illness due to my old job... this is not like last time... last time she gained weight...

Not sure what to think...
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« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2017, 10:30:14 PM »

You really can't know what's going on, without being there. it's hard, because you care about her
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Whoad
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« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2017, 03:41:39 PM »

Well, her uncle and I spoke... he called me...

He has full access to her FB and tons of projection about how happy her kids are etc... so sad... he called it "fake news". He was worried about the kids.

He doesn't understand the full gamut of her disordered thinking. I tried my best to explain, he said she has talked to him, and projected " told"  to him. This and that and bunch of garbage... some of it smear and some of it just outright lies... she was justifying everything she did.

It's hard to hear him say what he says.  But he stated she has always been a liar even when she was little...

He is a different duck, I love him... but it was like talking through a mask, he's scattered brain... he has some PTSD and cannabis issue...

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« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2017, 06:21:29 PM »

 Well today I took time for myself and I went out and did some exercise and I posted it on my app and I went and check my app a little while ago to check and make sure the calorie count was correct. It was not... I adjusted it...   and then I rechecked. I then checked my BPD  diary while I was there to see what she's up to and lo and behold she put down that she had sex --eggplant emoticon... I know it's an attack against me and it really pisses me off and it's I'm thinking it's projection - or and or truth...

 What's funny --odd is in the last 25 days there's never been an emoticon for sex on there for excercise at all until today-after I posted my exercise. So it makes me wonder if this is an pain attack because I'm out doing my life and enjoying my life she's not around to enjoy it with me so she has to do something to make me hurt.   

The last time she ran off to her ex/husband. There was none of that emoticon stuff before nor mention of sex...

what are your thoughts . Please help me... I can do:

1) react and fall into her trap, contact her and argue and JADE ( she doesn't know I know her number and I can email)  Not a smart move

2) react and drop her off my freinds list for the app.  ( reaction shows I saw it and she gets a reaction ) ohh she hurt me

3) nothing as if it never was seen and enter my stuff only.
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Whoad
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« Reply #14 on: July 20, 2017, 06:05:44 PM »

So while I was attending to my needs... on Tuesday --my pwBPD contacted the freind she lied to and is my freind... he is pissed off at her... I didn't see him till today... she told him Tuesday, that her and the kids are ok and and not to worry about them. She hope that his family is ok and doing well.

He could give two flying monkeys that she contacted him... at the same day she attacks aunts... about her kids happiness. We don't understand why she would contact him... .he has no idea either... ideas.

Temperature testing for return, flying monkey message delivery?  I am supposed to ascertain and contact  her  "why would you say your safe and ok?"   Attention(click to insert in post)

Today she loses another aunt and cousin off Facebook... we are waiting to hear what that was about, as they are pretty neutral and let her slide on most everything... confused ...

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« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2017, 06:59:59 AM »


Today she loses another aunt and cousin off Facebook... we are waiting to hear what that was about, as they are pretty neutral and let her slide on most everything... confused

Well they contacted me, and go what is going on, we see she pulled her crap... I said yeah... I asked if they had any contact with her. They said nope. They haven't commented, called, spoke to her, IM --nothing... So we assume she is having a fit, her aunts have blocked her, and so she attacks other family... (not me)

We think the IM to my friend was a charming attempt... There is no reason to tell people you are ok and fine, and act nothing like was going on... when they didn't ask for it...

   that was a bait. For me to call and ask why she would say things like that if they were ok... ( I'm not supposed to contact her... remember she would call the authorities) I have not  done a dang thing...

I'm not supposed to know where you are, have your number or know the address where your staying... so why give it out... to those will talk to me Thought

 Sorry girl, he's done with you... burned bridge...

What's on your mind... dear.
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« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2017, 08:12:29 PM »

Well-- my PD person only had a hissy fit... shes mad at the mother side of the family as they don't care about her needs and wants... blah blah blah--they have all blocked her so now she unfriended more family... that's what that was about...

Her dad, saw the posts and tried to correct her projections of her rage... I don't know how that turned out but... we can assume not good...

 The family is done, dad is done, uncle is done, though they will watch for dangerous activity.

No one but me will take her in- ever.☹️.

 The females in the family are done completely... my side of family not even involved-- I don't talk to anyone but once a while... they have their lives I have mine... been that way for years. Visit when we can or passing through towns... but that's it...

Her dad is not well... he's back taking his med for bipolar... He knows where the entire family stands... Also where I stand with her and the kids. So we all wait and see... she has burned her bridges...
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« Reply #17 on: July 26, 2017, 06:26:13 PM »

Update... nothing... no contact, no texts, no emails, nada... it's quiet, I even went through her photos on Facebook that are visible... no changes... all social media, no changes directed at me... not wanting them but at the same time... ughh

I know I will eventually be split white... it's the disorder, I'm in ST and I hate it... if I use the information that she provided to the Aunt to contact , that she purposely gave.  It would just enrage her.

I'm reading "Loving Someone with BPD" by manning phd... it has some great insight, but if she is choosing this no contact thing, I see no way to validate till she makes first contact again., I'm frustrated -- 38 days ST. This is bull...

I read about them having slow return to baseline but come on...
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« Reply #18 on: July 26, 2017, 08:34:43 PM »

Update... nothing... no contact, no texts, no emails, nada... it's quiet, I even went through her photos on Facebook that are visible... no changes... all social media, no changes directed at me... not wanting them but at the same time... ughh

I know I will eventually be split white... it's the disorder, I'm in ST and I hate it... if I use the information that she provided to the Aunt to contact , that she purposely gave.  It would just enrage her.

I'm reading "Loving Someone with BPD" by manning phd... it has some great insight, but if she is choosing this no contact thing, I see no way to validate till she makes first contact again., I'm frustrated -- 38 days ST. This is bull...

I read about them having slow return to baseline but come on...

I am new here, and don't mean to interject, but isn't there some legal custody you could bring in to the picture to ensure you get to see the kids?  How is she allowed to just take your kids and go? 

Sorry if I missed something.  Keep working out and do what makes you feel good in the meantime. 

Silent Treatment is for the birds! 

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« Reply #19 on: July 27, 2017, 07:52:10 AM »

I am new here, and don't mean to interject, but isn't there some legal custody you could bring in to the picture to ensure you get to see the kids?  How is she allowed to just take your kids and go? 

Sorry if I missed something.  Keep working out and do what makes you feel good in the meantime. 

Silent Treatment is for the birds! 

Yes, it is for the craps... not my kids... as with Her life she had three kids with three different men,  hmmm sexual impulsivity... one child her oldest, was removed from my home and she went to her father. The reason. She was d reactive attachment disorder.  She was nightmare and scared us all...

I wonder how she got that-- with a BPD mother... I wish saw that coming...

As for legal remedies, we are seeking solutions so she can't abruptly take them... the Aunts are documenting it all as well as me... I will seek educational and medical guardianship... that's the most I can hope for... none of the other father are involved... one says he wants but actions are better than words...





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« Reply #20 on: July 27, 2017, 10:46:06 AM »

Weirdness... I was dealing with a phone call from a friend, nothing to do with my BPDso and I had feeling something was up... I checked her Instagram and she had removed the photo of him and her and about 30 min later she placed it back, but had deleted a number of her posts.about 30.  I do not know which... but she also unfollowed 5 people... I had weird feelings -(gut butterflies)  last evening as well.

When she begins to do this at least I have recognized that she hiding or deleting activities, freinds, etc...

tomorrow she receives her pay from the govt... she has a car, it would be opportunity to head back home- has gas/food money. do I think it will happen --don't know... her dad stated the last post on Facebook as of yesterday was her stating on Monday  they had a pool to themselves... no knew posts that he can see.

Her MO, is to up and leave.  I'm  Confused.
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« Reply #21 on: July 27, 2017, 11:10:17 AM »

Weirdness... I was dealing with a phone call from a friend, nothing to do with my BPDso and I had feeling something was up... I checked her Instagram and she had removed the photo of him and her and about 30 min later she placed it back, but had deleted a number of her posts.about 30.  I do not know which... but she also unfollowed 5 people... I had weird feelings -(gut butterflies)  last evening as well.

When she begins to do this at least I have recognized that she hiding or deleting activities, freinds, etc...

tomorrow she receives her pay from the govt... she has a car, it would be opportunity to head back home- has gas/food money. do I think it will happen --don't know... her dad stated the last post on Facebook as of yesterday was her stating on Monday  they had a pool to themselves... no knew posts that he can see.

Her MO, is to up and leave.  I'm  Confused.

Whoad,

You are probably completely out of energy due to the "pins and needles" she keeps you on.

My unprofessional advise, is to completely forget about her daily activities.  Get into some new physical hobbies, take up martial arts or boxing training.  Something, anything, to keep your mind occupied 100%.  Get a second job. 

You are going to kill yourself with the constant wonderings.

i know when my first ex was cheating on me, I would monitor her Myspace page and messenger etc etc.  It was brutal.  I would see that she was with her BF and then my heart would tumble.  It was impossible to even breathe at times.  I remember falling on my face in my room, weeping uncontrollably and begging for it to stop at one point.  After that, I made a choice to not let her get to me, and we eventually divorced rightfully so.  I've always kept myself busy with other tasks when running into difficulties in relationships since then.  Right or wrong, keep your mind occupied and busy to stay sane!

Keep up the good fight!
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« Reply #22 on: July 27, 2017, 01:51:40 PM »

No, not out of energy. Taking care of myself and dealing with it... as it is what is... .a disorder...

It was a fluke, and I have plenty on my plate... I do have outside activities to burn those times out... I appreacite the concern... I learned my lesson last ime it happened... I too watched and watched... I learned though that is her MO her go to... indirect attacks, passive agressive, she admitted the last time was to make me pay attention to her, and I asked why, you won't let me contact you, does that make any sense at all. She said no... I said what do you want me to do stalk you? She smile and shook her head no. Crazy talk there...

I am also keeping busy. I have a dozen other projects working, double checking other work... etc... .I'm good --though the ST sucks...
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« Reply #23 on: July 29, 2017, 07:46:51 AM »

Yesterday was a very difficult day. I was hoping that my pwBPD would be tired of living with a strange guy, and dealing with all the stresses that are present down there.  She would have been paid by the govt. her finances would allow her to drive home... alas. No such luck.

It was quiet ... no attacks all week, no posts that anybody who could see were new. A massive shakeup on her Instagram account on Thursday. 20 some posts deleted, what I don't know... but I felt it was not attack at me... as I'm not following... refuse to give her the forum...

So when I saw a post on her other social media platform that I'm active on, about "church food ideas" I was crushed... I was like
1) you never have gone to church here. You find reasons not to go
2) episode TX - you went to church twice and was uncomfortable and refused to go afterwards.
3) I think your church thing is just a passive aggressive attack, not only that based on your history of acquisitions ( you use the church to further your needs- not anyone else's) you play the victim.
4) you hate groups of people because people see thru your stuff...

So she is digging in her heels. Why? Because I don't respond to passive aggressive attacks,  what would I respond to  and how... ?  You told me you would call authorities, so with that threat you get what you want. Zilch

You give all the info to contact you to the aunt you know I talk to, but you hate... catch 22 ... you know I know your new number and your address... you wait a whole month to change the forwarding... what the heck...

I know you are leaving me as the out. Every possession you own except the clothes in your suitcase is here... if you were finished you would cancel me out of your life, but your PD ... so despite projections, and lies to others, and to him, and to your kids you play this dangerous game. The minute you get rejected you attack those people.

I'm angry with you with every right... angry that you have disorder that takes you away from having a real life. A disorder that has taken one of your children from you with RAD. I wish I saw that earlier. The state was right your unfit. You bull___ted them...  

I'm angry because I did nothing to you that I think back, just as you project your crap my direction stating you felt smothered, trapped, etc... .you had so many opportunities to do as much as you want or little as you want... no one tells you what to do with your life-I never did... I was happy as we were...

You don't talk about your feelings --you run from the very person whom will listen.   I hate that the most...

I have been patient these so many days of silent treatment without a text, call, a charm. Just passive aggressive crap on media... your flying monkey are now limited... but you effectively separated me from a colleague due to your smear and recruitment. 

 I screamed and yelled and cried for 1/2 hr last nite because I'm frustrated. I had to vent.

I have been told if I don't know what to do, do nothing... if I act out of anger, I know that the results will be not productive... reacting from an emotional level is why you are doing what you do...

Going NC or Blocking you out of my life, i.e. Facebook Instagram, etc... --you unfollowed me... my settings keep you from looking... so blocking you would do nothing but exclaim "I'm done I reject you."   ( I don't reject you, as I know how that feels. --I love you) I want you... I have wanted you all my life with all of your faults and greatness... because when you are normal... your my 1/2. 

When your like this- I hate to say it... your a. $&Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)/. Selfish, one minded, mean, hateful, cruel, all directed at me... for what ? Just once I wish you could feel what you do to me... at your emotional level it would crush you... that's the angry me.

I can't practice anything I learn because you are not here.

I want to talk to your ex... and compare notes. I want him to take your son, and raise him in a loving environment because what you have done is not loving. You threaten him with abandonment to his father, to get compliance because he is unhappy with what you have done. Your a monster. No better than your mother.
 
I'm sad that I cannot practice or work on us, because you leave... i can work on me. But you... .what is your expectation.

This letter/ slash post is for my benefit as I need place to do this... I'm sure it will be helpful to others whom may have feelings/ thought similar to mine... I'm sure would never say this directly to her face.


 

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« Reply #24 on: July 31, 2017, 02:43:59 PM »

Whoad-

She's going to do whatever she's going to do. You can't make her do anything different. You can wish she did things differently, and I don't blame you, but you have no control over what she does at all.

What you do have control over is yourself. Assume for a moment that she is never coming back (it's possible, right?). As painful as the fact may be, you have no way of knowing if she will or not.

So - what can you do to make things better for you?

You can't make anything worse by figuring out how to steer your own ship, right?  
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« Reply #25 on: July 31, 2017, 06:52:21 PM »

Exactly... she will do as she wishes...

My ship is sailing like last time, doing things I want, getting life's chores done... I keep track of her online weirdness, it gives me a bit of knowledge in her wierd crazy...

Currently her "church" deal is now including pinning dresses for church... at 3 am...

1) she won't go to church unless it's part of her chameleonism to blend in with him... ( did it with her husband as well last time)
2) hmm what money... she pinned stuff last episode that was very nice clothes, and skinny figure women... uhh she gained weight due to depression
3) 3 am -- that's  the clue! that means no sleep, anxiety, mind running fast, $$$, all the stressors,  and why am I not responding to her attacks. Does he care, does he not care, what is he doing etc...

Still in silent treatment --
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« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2017, 09:12:48 PM »

Well changes occurred in some ways passive aggressive and others a more positive note...

She changed a profile photo... to mirror selfie, put diamond ring (grandmothers) on her right hand looks really small ... and then presented a smile... uh. Wrong finger hand... 1.  Then the look... such a sad smile, no life in it. Eyes look sad, redness in face cheeks, and chin, no dimples or wrinkle where they usually are when she smiles. My friend says she stressed, so does another, and the aunt says she is sad very sad.

On the positive side. Sort of... she had new friend a local on her Facebook, a person whom I confided secretly to about the last time... she started working in the same business and they got to know each other, the concern lies with whether what was talked about remained quiet with her. I have no reason to believe it didn't... but we know how charming PD can be. I didn't spend as much time talking to her this time around as she works at the business, and I'm certain a smear campaign was made... the way they treat me is like crap... small group clique rumors... etc... she also became more distant...

So I'm not sure. Getting locals back in her fold and work freinds is a good sign since she cut everyone out... I checked the freinds Facebook several times throughput this and she was not freinds that I knew of... her freinds list was open... awhile back...

So wait and see. Still in ST

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« Reply #27 on: August 03, 2017, 02:40:47 PM »

Wow... a lot to take in today...

Learned from aunt why she was so upset my PwPD and they wrote her off and blocked her.

The aunt learned from her grandniece, that PwPD told her daughter the reason they left me. Paraphrase' being with me puts them all at risk of losing the family unit, They will be taken away." It was way worse ...

I'm sick... so hurt... that she would use me as weapon to get compliance for them to do what she wants while she is down there, and not cause waves, but then interjects when they are unhappy they maybe they will come back here to get their toys...

I'm hurt... I'm shaking my head... .I just can't believe it...

She will have to justify with her kids a reason to come home, and eliminate that fear, she will have to justify whatever smear tactic where she's worked to try to work... if she even does that.  What did she tell this guy in order for him to take her in? My head is spinning. It's all justification and reacting to emotions because her daughter called her out. Ughhh...

God this hurts so much. it's no wonder I have not received any contact,  that lie was powerful... so psychologically damaging. It also goes counter productive to what they know, have felt and seen.

Wow over the top...  
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« Reply #28 on: August 07, 2017, 12:12:14 AM »

Well she replaced her photo IG... I wasn't looking as I was talking on the phone, but my sense kicked in that something was up. So I looked at her account, yup-- she attacked again, a photo of her and him in posed kiss selfie...

I'm not even mad... it's comical. I realize that in order to convince a man to move her and her kids in, she had to compromise herself. Sex, had to happen. She lies and manipulate him... she lied to her kids... she lied to everyone.

So. Who cares... it's just another attack, another attempt to hurt me or make me apologize for what slight she sees I  committed against  her. She chooses to make me hurt... I get it. But I'm not angry at her.  I'm sad, for her, and what she does to herself, and what she does to her kids. This is just much more of the same attacks, hate, blackness... it is what it is-- her acting out based on her feelings and emotions that are not normal to us... I hope for her sake it ends peacefully and not in a domestic...

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« Reply #29 on: August 08, 2017, 07:48:36 AM »

Within 20 hrs she removed the photo of him and her kissing. She replaced with the 1st picture of her and him...

I wonder if she thought she took it too far... yeah you did.

I wonder when my first h o o v e r will happen.

I miss them, I worry about them, and the same time I'm so pissed at her. I love her and I love the kids. Gaaawwd...

My life sucks...   I know, yes I feel depressed, and it's hard... my therapist saw it too. I'm trying to focus on my stuff, but days it's hard on certain days.



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« Reply #30 on: August 10, 2017, 09:14:45 AM »

 Bullet: completed (click to insert in post) I'm having a bad morning... I'm still in silent treatment. Haven't heard from her.--no text, no call, no email...

 I few a memes she posted  in Pinterest about love the other day, and he's not follower, so I can't figure if they are  knifing me more (PA attack)or for me to see in attempt to make contact ( no win) to or her way of lettting me know she loves me- ( win win)

she changed that photo of them two kissing to one of just her and her weight loss... ( I see as positive) incidentally  as passive aggressive post of 1/2 pic her with ring on her finger, it was a weight loss picture. (+).

I know it nots over till I'm split white.

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« Reply #31 on: August 17, 2017, 11:36:56 PM »

 A email from her Monday, about Schwan account.  Not in my name... it was canceled then reinstated... she sent me an email telling me to change the email address... and the account was an email sent out by the company... .my friend got the same email... so BS.

Uhhh... not my account not my email and I never signed up... 1) I can't change it 2) no intention to change it. This was a clear h o o v e r /charm... I want her to make contact over things that matter, but at least the silent treatment sort of ended.  

She deleted an uncle off Facebook for whatever reason, Tuesday- he is not even sure why? She is having problems with her daughter, whom faking sick to not go to school. Do I blame her nope. Kids are suffering from depression and are miserable. The Uncle said the little girl looked like she wants to collapse in tears.

That would be the reason the charm happened... he also stated that all pictures he sees and comments she made to him, her boyfriend drinks his multiple beers and  cleans his guns every night.and has more than 5 guns--this a man with alcoholism and possible NPD, and PTSD, and convicted violence charge where as his domestic violence with weapon was dismissed for plea agreement... what the hell is wrong with courts...

So I sit in limbo... waiting for the next-charm or oncoming disaster.

 She is really burning bridges with family... no aunts or uncles on mom side, she has her dads side now. I'm sad for all this to be happening.


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« Reply #32 on: August 25, 2017, 01:27:43 AM »

 She changed her status on our Facebook pages now she's engaged to this guy.
 Which I believe is an attempt to get me to react to her- The situation down there which I don't think it's positive. She wants me I believe to contact her because she will not contact me for whatever reason i.e. because of shame or guilt or whatever-  but I'm having a big problem right now trying to figure out why somebody who is so afraid of being rejected or abandoned is doing everything in her possible power  to push me to the limit to Throw in  the towel and discard her for her life:  she can get engaged but she is still married to her first husband who she refuses to get divorced from I'm at a loss I've offered to pay for her divorce for six years and she refuses to do it. I believe that her doing this "engagement" right now is to get me to react so she can have a conversation with me for whatever reason. I have no idea what's going on in her  head --I am  so confused -  I don't know what to do, to react, block, ignore, call, email text... I am at loss... I know the disorder, she will split me white. She will want to come home. All I want is a positive text, a call, a positive charm, anything to get dialogue going.  I have not spoken to her, texted her, since the day she left, and wrote me a nasty text. I have done nothing. I have not rejected her nor abandoned her, I simply have not contacted her per her text.

I am truly hurting, but I believe I'm a right, this is a attack for reaction, to make contact... am I right or wrong. Somebody please help me come to some answers...
ughhh
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« Reply #33 on: August 29, 2017, 08:22:22 AM »

Ok so here is what's going on...

The engaged part... apparently 3-4 weeks ago she told her uncle she was engaged. Well he never told me, and she did not put on the web. Then she put the "in a relationship"  status up then "engaged", and sent the email... a charm .

 I refused to acknowledge it. She then dropped her uncle off of Facebook.

This last week, then when I did respond to her email by my friend prodding stating it was ok to process it out... .I simply stated the account is not mine and I'm unable to change. I am going to such and such funeral.

4 hrs go by, she responds in some what weirdness of concern, and then do or don't give the family my condolences.  (Really)

Then she adds the uncle back- weird.

The following day, I warned family to not call her and they did anyway, lasted five minutes. She was manic, stuttering, and stressed out. Her kids are not doing homework, they are lying, using cuss words at her,  at school, being physically defiant, refusing to go to school, to the point they resist  mom physically and create a huge scene. It is really bad I hear. The boy who loves school, reads all the time, has straight A, and a model student and model kid... is acting out... (wonder why) the daughter has been faking sick, and passively making attempt to avoid school. Neither are doing homework.  Well when the family member brought up they did this the last time ran off and went to TX they did the same thing. The family said don't you think they are scared and terrified about what has happened to them. Well the member was hung up on.

Then over about 3 pg text tirade several hours later and multiple f bombs delivered, the family member said enough. She blocked my PwBPD on the phone in mid text... blocked her from home phone... this member has always been there for Her... her uncle now is fed up... he refuses to be flying monkey.

Well Sunday, my PwBPD changed her Facebook again... she eliminated the location, and then status of her relationship in fact there is no status.  Just where she was born and what she did as a job... ( positive signs? Of a flip, )

I know from my conversations with my PwBPD that when she was in the throes her stress level in Tx reached all sorts of highs, she was stuttering, and not sleeping, diarrhea, etc... .high anxiety levels... etc... well I believe she is at this point.

I can't be certain, but I think the end is near. I have decided though if she follows through with marrying this person, I'm done. do I think it will happen, no. She is still married and her husband whom despite my, money, time, effort to get her divorce so we could move forward... what makes me think it will happen in two months... I may be wrong, but indications from her husband on what I see of his social media, shows the status qou.

I see it now and see it from the other perspective. I radically accept what I see, I understand the wounds she suffering from. It's sad, I'm not taking it personal, but I won't treat her with fragility. I hope this episode is a turning point. I hope it ends soon. The ebook also mentions in high stress and anxiety and the core wounding is when they act out or in... I hope this is over.  

She from my viewpoint has few options...

Money will be the issue--she has to have money to drive back--she get paid at end of the month... she can pawn off the engagement ring, she can do just about what ever she wants... she has no credit cards, bad credit,  and no job. Just disability it ain't much. So we shall see.

1) take a chance I will take her back, drive back, leaving him either angry or relieved- not letting me know --to confront me  head on like nothing happened (lovebomb) ( her mo usually is to leave without notice or fake a vacation or send the target away so she leave unmolested)
2) she will attempt to leave and if he is NPD with alcohol and control issues, it might get ugly... cops, cps, etc... .tragedy chaos etc... she will call or she will just call like last time .  
3) she leave then call halfway needing assistance. (Not likely no safety net)
4) or just keep torturing herself and the kids.


It is a disorder and i' ve been split black two months ago, I will be split white.
When I'm split white she will come back. Please pray for them regardless, those kids are in hell.  
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« Reply #34 on: September 03, 2017, 10:38:14 AM »

Well, yesterday I received another Charm, a request or question...

She wanted to know if I was open to sending her and the kids property to her, and she would repay for shipping- ( yeah right)  she tried that question last time and I simply told her I would keep her stuff as is, because I love her.  The first time she denied me and was nasty. I ignored it, and then several weeks later she asked again. I replied the same way and she flipped me white...

Well I sent the same reply this morning- not knowing the outcome. Her response was( I was being ridiculous and delusional. I am not coming back at all.) 

-- so I'm still in black... oh well.

Interesting word usage... ( I am not mentally ill, and she projects that at me, and negates a sentence of her returning, she has said that before as well. )

 I understand that I am still being punished and know technically it's not me. I did not do anything that I recognize.  I also understand she is reaching out to test me, to fulfill a supply not being met. All part of the disorder.

So I wait... the stress will increase, her children will be increasingly worse, it will come to head... she has been reaching out to people in Our area, adding them back, and lying about stuff. She is not ready but getting close... e
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« Reply #35 on: September 06, 2017, 01:02:46 PM »

Having a difficult day...     I was relieved when she pulled her photos of him and her off the social media, it was like yeah... She has since removed her engagement, her relationship status, and her location.

still in black but yeah...

She put a  selfie  up, and to be honest she doesn't look  that great... her outfit was yuck... I have looked at his exs photos and it is wierd... my BPd is dressing. And looking like his ex... it is not whom I have known for 7 years

 I have no idea what is up , other than few charms she has sent to fill her contact to me  need.

 Her last email response this weekend to my answering her question about me sending her property was interesting...

Question was if I would be open to sending her some property if she paid me back?  I told her I would  let things be  as they are because I love you.

 In her words -- I am delusional and ridiculous. i am not coming back at all.

Well there is "always/never " in that. Absolutes. -go figure... the delusional and ridiculous is likely her projection of feelings because why should anyone love her after what she has been doing.

I never asked her to come back-- she didn't tell me she didn't  love me.

She knew the answer to that property  question before she asked. She asked it in the last episode and received that same answer. Her charm was simply to gauge my feelings.

Today she tagged her "supply" in cutesy meme that our friend posted.  Her friend is definitely a flying monkey I think and  it hurt... but I know in the end I will be split white and she will look for her knight. I understand the wound of her inner child and missing identity of herself. I understand she does this to punish me.

 This episode is longer than the last, and the silent treatment was way longer than the past. I hope she returns to baseline soon... She is changing her social media to be about her, and she is changing her hair color, etc... that part is of her M.O. When she is seeking attention.

Picture of the kids have been rare... her son is all but invisible... no mention of him, other than when he is trouble... ( this poor kid is scapegoated all the time when this happens) her daughter looked horrible and distressed, and skinny beyond what I thought would be ok... she indeed looked like she was crying.

But since they are not my kids.i have no voice for them. I can only hope that the change comes soon. She still leaves every door open, whereas she hammers the rest of the family doors shut.

Pray for them... pray for the kids.




 


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« Reply #36 on: September 09, 2017, 03:06:26 PM »

Well another dry day... she has done some pictures changes. One actually looks likes she is saying she is sorry by looking up -like a puss in boots look... she told her father she was not coming to see him, hence "supply" won't be able to ask dad for approval, dad actually said it was not going to happen, he knows his daughter is playing a game.

Finally a picture of her son was posted, he was playing on iPhone, and seemed pretty angry  in facial expression at the moment, he is angry deep... he also look annoyed his mother took a pic of him... she was being nostalgic... so now I see only two pics of kids, and they are unhappy... BPD heartstrings being pulled, maybe.

He will be very good looking kid. Good for him.
Her daughter is beautiful, and has old soul, and I feel so sorry for her, I know she is deeply hurting.

I have no idea what her mom is up to with so many pic changes of herself, bragging about letting her grow to natural color, then she dyes it... the comments/likes are not numerically high as they used to be.  She was very active yesterday from freinds of freinds, and one is sharing memes, of suicide dry humor, being called pieces of crap and judgement... who knows whom they are meant for.

It has been a week since the last charm... she knows how I feel, she knows I won't send her or the kids property. This is home. This is our home and she knows if anything happens to me, it goes to her. I decided that years ago before all the crazy making. The kids say we want to go home, not my house -but home...

I'm a really good man, a gentle man, an educated man, filled with common sense, and the abilities to help others, and know when to say when.

Today when there is little or no activity I get concerned and wonder.  When will white come, when will I be idealized again, so we can work on the next chapter of our lives.

This episode -along with the job loss stress I suffered in April by two nPD alcoholic boss/managers, has made me realize that yes, I hate change when it's not my idea, but in order for me to grow to be a better person for me, her, and the kids, that job loss maybe a blessing. Her leaving as push/pull BPD has made me realize as well, that her issue last time was not med related. But that she is truly disordered and that I have to rethink to rebuild. I have to gauge emotions, be empathetic, talk neutral in time of crisis.

We have verbally fought , but usually short lived and I can count on my both my hands those times. I was ignorant of her issues, rejection and abandonment, child core identity damage... etc... .

I am here, for her and the kids. She must work on her, I will be there for support for her, I will and have been working on me. I hope it is for something better to stop the running, silent treatment, the devaluation. It make take awhile but I have faith based on her own willingness to seek help. She recognizes it in the past, I hope she will in the future.

The last episode was shorter than this, she was already back... this time I think the severity of her core wound was deep, and the family pushed her hard, and she dug her heals in.

IRma will effect her family in FL and its own travels will head directly her direction. Will this be BPD catastrophe? Who knows. Waiting. Just waiting.
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« Reply #37 on: September 14, 2017, 11:14:04 AM »

Well it was all quiet no attacks, and then Monday I did some volunteer work, posted pics of the activity, and bam... she opens her pinterest boards that were previously blocked, and created a board for weddings.

Last month, she was in relationship--then engaged, then it all disappeared off Facebook. She received a response to a charm.  Now she is IMO using the same tactic, to get me to communicate... ( note she and her "supply" are now attending the LDS church... I have some biases on that... but leave them out, as they were my experiences as a child)

I'm not going to react. 

" Never reward negative behaviors"

She was online a lot his weekend due to Irma and family, in fact we were on messenger. I started a group video, she didn't catch it and complained about "all day" Sunday church and it interfered...

She commented that she missed it and put up a emoticon wink... She then complained to her family about her children getting up early everyday and then posted elsewhere emotional pics of sad or angry kids-- where I will see them... then in messenger posted happy "posed photos" where her family sees them. Serious emotional manipulation. The little girl had bags under eyes the size of pea pods.

She then complained about her daughters behavior lately in the store and having tantrums at 9 yrs old. things that direct me to react emotionally.  I have not reacted at all. Again emotional manipulation.

She also posted an amber alert on her FB page that occurred a whole state away. She has claimed in her childhood past she was freinds with an abductee and feeds off the fear, and uses it on her kids. Again emotional manipulation at me, to broadcast it isn't safe... she did that last episode.

Today she was going pin happy on wedding stuff.  I believe because she was unhappy I was doing what I want, where I want. I posted a pic on Instagram and right after the pins were popping up... I unfollowed the boards... she used engagement to get me to react to a charm I ignored, I ended up answering it... ( so she believes it will work again.)

I think she reacted to my pics and pulled the wedding card to make me hurt... it was interesting that all her old pins are there, and the newer board about husbands and love have been deleted or hidden.

Her action on the phone calls with family, indicates high anxiety, stress, and manic behaviors.

I feel she amping up, she is stressed, angry, looking for contact, kids are are being terrible, etc... any thoughts...


oh and changed her Pinterest and IG profile photos to him and her,  Prevoiusly they were removed after a charm... now back...

I get she is wounded hardcore. I will sit back and wait to see... the marriage thing... there are a lot of factors for them to overcome... LDS rules, her having to be divorced and that includes kids custody thing, all these take time and the LDS will be a year at least with all the rules they will have to abide by... ''tis not going to happen"... especially when I offered to pay for the divorce on multiple occasions, over 7 years... oh. The supply does not have Instagram nor Pinterest so he is not readily seeing this.  This is going to go very badly... I feel it...
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« Reply #38 on: September 27, 2017, 05:00:33 AM »

Well, the attacks continue... I have stopped looking at her Pinterest, I unfollowed all of her boards except food... she really is an awesome cook, and we loves the same foods... in a humorous note, she is coffee and addict, and her being LDS follower now has to be the most interesting thing to watch.

She has people watching me. I went a female freinds  to help her, place quilt blocks( there is no way of a relationship)— this residence is within line of sight of her old workplace.i was there 15 min... two changes of pics on her Facebook.one of her and the a background pic, of him and the kids. While I am there.

 ( get this the pic is from the when they first got to together) I can tell from clothes the kids are wearing... and precious pics two months ago.  ( nice try)

I really didn’t like the people she worked with. I felt in so many ways my previous career, affected those folks lives so much... they didn’t like me, as I was the authority that effected their actions. Anyway... 5 people there are on her freinds list.

I am at point, I don’t care. I miss them, I do want them back. But i’m Hurt. My confidants  and I agree my ignoring her attempts to inspire jealousy reactions, is futile and it is frustrating likely to her, her lastest pic indicates weight gain in the face. Her attacks are amping up. But I haven’t checked her Facebook in two days now... Pinterest all weekend. 

I see that the 101st is leaving for Puerto Rico... I believe her supply is/may be part of this deployment. If so, there is all likely hood, she runs away... because that is what she has done to her soon to be ex husband.

Will I allow her back, not sure, I welcome the kiddo’s, open arms... her—not sure yet... today at this moment no, I’m done.
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« Reply #39 on: November 16, 2017, 05:43:42 PM »

Can you update us... .what has happened here. Did you two get divorced and she got married?
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« Reply #40 on: November 16, 2017, 05:59:20 PM »

Can you update us... .what has happened here. Did you two get divorced and then she got married?

This is a really tough situation.

This may sting a little, but I don't think you want to read everthing she is doing to be done to you. Don't read too much into her Facebook profile photo changes.

Then at some point a charm, and there  will sometimes be a circular argument etc... ( I bail on those, I don't involve my feelings, and use medium chill, I  will begin empathy next time ) then she split white and then a rescue happens  
it takes about 2 -3 months...

The problem with recycling is that we start to normalize it. That is a mistake a lot of us made... .we think it will alsways resolve. We don't realize that each cycle is a further erosion of the relationship.

she changed that photo of them two kissing to one of just her and her weight loss... ( I see as positive) incidentally  as passive aggressive post of 1/2 pic her with ring on her finger, it was a weight loss picture. (+).

I know it nots over till I'm split white.

Technically its over when she marries another guy.

That relationship may fail. You two might rediscover each other. But, the old relationship is gone and it will help to accept that and let go of all the battling and games of the old relationship.

Right now she is married and you are an ex. It's a new ballgame. Being the ex who is hoping to rekindle a relationship with a partner who has recently married another man, is a long term deal.

Are you up fir that?
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« Reply #41 on: November 16, 2017, 07:46:25 PM »

So,... she finally got divorced a process I helped start, from the last episode.

We had been tight for 6 years... She was married the entire time to a man whom she had kid with- neither was filing, nor talking. She hated him... but not divorce him, claimed she wanted alimony, and child support. 

Anyway I set the boundary last year, if we are too continue. She must be divorced. For the kids sake and ours...

She set the ball in motion, and then never let me know what was going on... so then he filed July 7 while she was with this guy. Shen declares her engagement to the guy, 14 days after she’s left here. Then the mind games, posts, etc... .she could not marry him unless the divorce  was final, not only that he is Mormon and declared, he would not marry her unless she converted,  so time passed with Pinterest pins, of wedding plans, to goad me... all of this was atttaxka, like the last episode... I decide to ignore her attacks, and then she recruited uncle, to be go between, then she used and aunt whom she has no regard for... to pass the info.

She then gave Date it passed without her being married, though she played it off made a big deal, about pic looking she was married. It was son baptism pic... a week later...

Still not married and not divorced... then she got the divorce last week, told the aunt she was going to get married on Monday. Gave a week to let me know.

I didn’t think she would do it. She did it anyway. We had intended on being married, after all this waiting, it was the best way to hurt me. We had plans on CO or Canadian Rockies. But we could not until she was divorced.

This hurt me... really bad... I have not felt this hurt ever...

Her behaviors of stalking me as much as she had, and me not paying mind to it... trying to be cool... her amping up talk of memory of home, and weather here... led me to believe she was on verge of snapping white. But I was either arrogant to see  or make contact for some innocent reason.  A charm on my end... but she made a clear point in the beginning if I acted texted. She would use it against me. 

I am up for it... she used this marriage to hurt me... she convinced him to marry her despite a boundary she would convert first. Again. I have seen him smile in other pictures, he is not smiling and looks sick... she is smiling like Cheshire Cat.  So the divorce done and married in 7 days total.   Sham and manipulation it was...

Combat PTSD male is med transition with Alcoholism,  a BPD, whom is high anxiety with NPD and HPD  traits... put together and mass of drama, with unhappy uprooted kids, and all the stuff with failing finances is going to be very messy... I state he attempted to kill his wife last year and it was plead down to a misd, so not to effect his army service... this is bad. Real bad... that is what has happened... her marriage was an attack on me, “look I married someone else” ... ughh

A divorce is easy... they will not have kids, maninly finances jointly... but that’s the extent...

When she eliminates you, it is permanent and she blocks, and never contacts you again.
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« Reply #42 on: November 16, 2017, 07:55:54 PM »

A divorce is easy... they will not have kids, maninly finances jointly... but that’s the extent...

When she eliminates you, it is permanent and she blocks, and never contacts you again.

OK, so last week she divorced her husband (from prior to your relationship) and married a new guy... .and you're thinking she married the new guy mostly to hurt you AND that she is not done with your relationship because she has contacted you twice since June 19th with you regarding the return of some of her personal property and to resolve something on a financial account. These contacts were "hoovers" (to use your word).

Is this about right?

What is a "hoover"?  I saw this in urban dictionary. Does this definition fit with your situation?
https://goo.gl/ryUd2E

Was there ongoing conflict in your relationship? What did you guys fight about most of the time.
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« Reply #43 on: November 16, 2017, 08:43:03 PM »

Yes, that is what I found a charm to be... maybe I’m wrong, but she used all the same tactics before...

And there was no fights, none. I never left the house mad. She never yells at me till the day before she left, when I asked her if I could go with on her vacation... she blew a gasket I had never seen the likes of. Likely fearful her plans of leaving were threatened.

We got along so well for the last 6 yrs... that’s what blew me into wierdville.

My 1st silent treatment then all the nasty passive aggressive attacks. Then questions about her property twice  then she returned.

This time a silent treatment then questionto for me to change an email address, that didn belong to me, then a email to aske for property like last time and then again property question. Just like this time... except this time she got married. 

Last time she threatened to renew her vows with her husband. She left before she did it.

Again we didn’t fight- that’s the crazy part...

She states she left last time because I did not take her on vacation with me. She stated she was pissed that I would go without her. So she lied and left me to hurt me. She stated she was stupid for that...

I have no idea this time as I can only surmise, I lost my job, she had to work, and her security and comfort were now affected... she stated nothing to this effect... I just assume due to anxiety triggers and stress.

Again we didn’t fight. 
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« Reply #44 on: November 16, 2017, 09:04:51 PM »

1. My 1st silent treatment then all the nasty passive aggressive attacks. Then questions about her property twice  then she returned.

2. This time a silent treatment then questionto for me to change an email address, that didn belong to me, then a email to aske for property like last time and then again property question. Just like this time... except this time she got married. 

You are thinking it might play out again and she will return.

Curious to hear others thoughts/experinces on this.
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« Reply #45 on: November 16, 2017, 11:17:03 PM »

Ughh all that typing gone. I repost tomorrow to answer those questions.
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« Reply #46 on: November 17, 2017, 01:34:28 AM »

Ughh all that typing gone. I repost tomorrow to answer those questions.

Yes, I hope that it plays out again.

Last year, she left on lie, and then she claimed to making a (X) go with her husband and renew the vows- she split white and when she returned my boundary to be together was her to be divorce and thearpay for all of us. I did not want to string him, along to punish him... It was reinforced repeatedly he was bad, neglectful, and poor money management... he was also mean, verbally abusive, and neglectful of his son.

  I wanted her and knew of this only episode. She had never shown any convincing traits till then, and I concluded it was  drug she was given by dr. that caused her spin out. ( she later admitted it was I rejected her for Vac issue)

Well no drug this time... my life changed-loss of job

-I was rock steady, financially set, and doing great... all was calm till I lost my job... she was then went to work, after not working for 6 yrs... then within a month a smear campaign at her employment, me devaluation and lie to leave... now I sit here...

Dealing with same, trying to not do a few things I did wrong last time, be nonchalant, ignored her threats of engagement. I forgot to add... the first news/threat of engagement came upon Facebook a month later... I ignored, then she told her uncle, whom she made sure told me. A email about email that I was allegedly owner of, ignored. And another announcement and she then attacked the uncle... I then responded to the email, explain it was not mine to change a mistake by the company... the threat of engagement disappeared. She then brought the uncle back into her fold.

Then another email a few weeks later about property, I told her the response I posted earlier in thread above... she was projecting her thoughts at me.  Engagement went back up.

She then told uncle she was getting divorced. She would marry on certain date... I called the bluff, didn’t respond or react. Date came and went she posted a pic of family at church all suited and dressed out... no name change etc...

Two weeks later, she then told that family pic was church event. She then told an aunt she would be married this Monday. I didn’t believe it...

In each of the last two episodes, she uses 1) renewing vows 2) getting engagement// and when ignored married to her as weapon of choice... I’m not sure but wonder if she used the same tactics on her now ex husband over a few episodes, I have the letter she wrote him and she took off then as well. Twice I know based her story, the letter indicate upto 4-5... some months and other weeks, and the  last episode years.

 I remember that she when moved in with her daughters father, there was an engagement announcement (she was still married)on Facebook back then, and when I picked them up after their eviction and his arrest -the ring was on table. So if she did this to her ex... this is a  MO. I wish  he and I could get to an equal spot and talk about what happened and compare notes... I think this is trend... that disappeared and dormant till her anxiety/ rejection/abandonment triggers.

I’m having some clarity now that I sent her that email, and have accepted the consequences of what may come good or bad.  there is a pattern. I really have to concentrate on my tools and help me... she can fix herself, I have read the tools here, did the quizzes, and etc... including books by majahri(sp). I understand the punishment and feeling it... knowing full well it wasn’t not me, I did not cause her issues... she is hurting me to inner child issues...

So I will sit back now. Use the tools, and wait for her next email... I think that last response may have set a validation, and affirmation, and revalue of me... in her eyes...

We shall see...
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« Reply #47 on: November 17, 2017, 11:55:20 AM »

I made a mistake... 3 episodes... one I forgotten because, she was not,living with me but we were communicating on regular basis, then one day- she told me to not contact ever again. After 3months of trying to establish contact, and her moving with her 3 kids, to her youngest babies daughter... ( 3 kids, 3 father) claiming in Facebook she was engaged to him, despite being already married to sons father. So she was attacking him or I... but when the disaster took place baby dad commit a felony, they were evicted and they came to live with me, as her family would not take her in. 

In each of the last two 3  episodes, she used 1)*getting engaged despite being married (then 6yr hiatus)
 2) renewing vows
 3) getting engaged despite already being married —and when a divorce finally occured she was then ignored by me, and got married as another weapon of choice. Then passive aggressive attacks... it seems a lot of her emphasis is “you lose me if_____” add hurt me by rejection, abandon, or make stress about security, poverty... .( last two I think are trigger per her diagnosis, that I have reread.)

In last year episode, when she came back, she asked me why didn’t comment or pay attention to picture changes. I said why should I figured you were bored, and decided not pay attention to it... I asked her what did you want me to do stalk you. ( she smiled and shook her head no)

... I’m not sure but wonder if she used the same tactics on her now ex husband over a few episodes, I have the letter she wrote him and she took off then as well. Twice I know based her story, the letter indicate up to 4-5x some months long and other weeks, and the  last episode years.

So I hope clear picture is emerging of her MO and yes, I do realize what I read... but my heart remains steadfast... .I believe in the disorder and what she does while in it. there is a pattern.  She was fiscally secure, safe, and stress free, her own home and stuff and managed for 6yrs... still left and then returned ( I know now as well, she is hiding huges sums of Debt) but it never harmed me.

my stress load increased the last 1.5 years due to new boss, whom threw our whole life in spin, and then culminated in loss of employment due to a internal political fracas, and then a  infidelity they were hiding, they wanted not discovered. ( latter came to light yesterday) my attorney will love that... what was her trigger this time I have no idea...
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« Reply #48 on: November 17, 2017, 12:09:39 PM »

 Thought Thought her threats of getting engaged and increasing to getting married are her rage aka For hurting her...   Thought

I never hear this threat when she is calm and stable with me over so many years... she does it after she splits, lies, runs away... .WOW.
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« Reply #49 on: November 17, 2017, 12:19:40 PM »

What do you think is the best strategy for you right now?
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« Reply #50 on: November 17, 2017, 01:16:56 PM »

What do you think is the best strategy for you right now?

Sit back wait for further contact just on the property issue itself, and continue to work on my stuff to keep forward momentum for me and not stand in limbo waiting for her to split white. I can make decision about us then. Not be holding to it now until then... that is unhealthy.
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« Reply #51 on: November 19, 2017, 06:44:00 PM »

What do you think is the best strategy for you right now?

Must clear up... The infidelity mentioned above— had nothing to do with my loved ones. They were not involved- it was my boss, his boss, and a client, a risk, that Includes, drugs, cheating, and child neglect. Regular Peyton place... I was eliminated due to my exposing the whole dirty thing going on...
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