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Author Topic: Guilt about leaving  (Read 941 times)
prof
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« on: July 12, 2017, 09:40:55 PM »

Hi everyone,

I've just recently made the decision to divorce my uBPDw.  I've scheduled an appointment with my L to begin filing, and my dad has already (very generously) sent a very large retainer check.  There's no going back now.

I haven't told uBPDw yet, as suggested by the folks on the divorce boards.  However, I'm really struggling right now with the guilt about what's about to happen.

In particular:

  • uBPDw has a rare chronic auto-immune disorder, which has really hit her hard during the past year or so.  Recently, she's had frequent fainting spells and her doctors have asked her not to drive.  (I have suspicions that at least some of these episodes are exaggerated for the sake of manipulating myself and others.  But she's definitely very sick.)  I am the source of her health insurance, I drive her around, I do most of the chores around the house, etc.  Without me, her life will become much more difficult.  In the past, she has equated me leaving her with throwing her on the streets or even killing her.
  • I have many, many times throughout our relationship, promised that I would never leave.   She has told me that this promise is one of the main things keeping her in the relationship.  (She has a laundry list of things she can't stand about me.)  I hate breaking this promise.
  • We have a 4-year-old son.  I think that I will try and get full custody, and I think I probably have a pretty good case.  Although I do about 90% of the parenting, she loves him dearly and I hate the idea of taking him away from her.

Since I made the decision, I frequently find myself switching back and forth between eagerness to be out of the relationship and the above feelings of guilt.  Any suggestions on how to deal with this?
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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2017, 07:26:42 AM »

You are transitioning from total focus on her... .her drama, her issues, her needs etc. to focusing on the needs of yourself and your son, you are detaching so you are going to have all kinds of feelings as you move from your old life to your new one.  Even though the relationship hasn't worked out that doesn't mean you suddenly stop caring about someone you've been married to but it is a shift to putting your needs (and the needs of your son) first.  So it's okay to feel what you feel but continue to put yourself first and go for the best outcome you can for you and your son.  It's important that you don't let these feelings pull you back into a dysfunctional/abusive marriage so keep them in perspective.

  • uBPDw has a rare chronic auto-immune disorder, which has really hit her hard during the past year or so.  Recently, she's had frequent fainting spells and her doctors have asked her not to drive.  (I have suspicions that at least some of these episodes are exaggerated for the sake of manipulating myself and others.  But she's definitely very sick.)  I am the source of her health insurance, I drive her around, I do most of the chores around the house, etc.  Without me, her life will become much more difficult.  In the past, she has equated me leaving her with throwing her on the streets or even killing her.

Recognize the FOG

My SO had the same fear, that his wife would not be able to make it on her own... .she hadn't worked in years, also had multiple health issues, can't drive etc.

My SO's mom told him that she is like a cat and that she would land on her feet and she has.  She went through 3 evictions, couch surfed, lived in hotels... .but she was never homeless, never starving, got herself where she needed to go... .she currently lives with and we think works for her divorce attorney!

Your wife is an adult she is responsible for herself and getting her needs met, right now she is using you to get those needs met.  When you leave she will find others to fill the void, family, friends, flying monkeys etc.

  • I have many, many times throughout our relationship, promised that I would never leave.   She has told me that this promise is one of the main things keeping her in the relationship.  (She has a laundry list of things she can't stand about me.)  I hate breaking this promise.

Again recognize the FOG... .

Yes, this is hard.  We make a commitment when we marry but sometimes it just doesn't work no matter what we do.  You need to recognize you did your best to keep the promise but is keeping a promise worth your health or worth your son's well-being?  There are other promises you can keep, like being a father to your son, like making sure he is not being raised around dysfunction and abuse, like making sure his needs are being met... . 

  • We have a 4-year-old son.  I think that I will try and get full custody, and I think I probably have a pretty good case.  Although I do about 90% of the parenting, she loves him dearly and I hate the idea of taking him away from her.

Recognize the FOG

If you have full custody of your son that does not mean he can't see his mother.  Where your son lives and decisions about his life (full custody) does not mean he can't see his mother they are two different things.  You can have him live with you and you can make (rational) decisions for him but he can still have some kind of visitation with his mom (supervised might be good based on her health issues).  When talking with your attorney ask about various scenarios, I'm sure your attorney has seen many different outcomes and arrangements.

My advice is just feel the feelings, you will have many this is a big transition but also recognize that they will pass.  Use that rational part of your brain to make decisions.

Take Care,
Panda39

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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
prof
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« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2017, 08:58:37 AM »

My advice is just feel the feelings, you will have many this is a big transition but also recognize that they will pass.  Use that rational part of your brain to make decisions.

Thanks, Panda39!  This makes a lot of sense.
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flourdust
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Relationship status: In the process of divorce after 12 year marriage
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« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2017, 09:43:23 AM »

I agree that it sounds very much like FOG issues. I would encourage you to look at this workshop:

SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"
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prof
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2017, 12:11:44 AM »

Update time... .

I was originally supposed to have an L appointment this past Friday.  However, uBPDw convinced me to schedule a vet appointment for some kittens we are fostering for a local animal rescue.  (She thinks they've developed some upper respiratory infection, although I think they look just fine.)  The times conflicted, so I rescheduled the L.  The next time they can see me is this coming Thursday... .  (Ironically, on the way to the vet appointment, uBPDw called asking for me to cancel and come home -- she wasn't feeling well and needed me.)

So I'm trying to wait as patiently as I possibly can to get the ball rolling on the divorce, all the while pretending that things are relatively okay with uBPDw so as not to tip her off.  (She's already threatened leaving out of state with S4 and charging me with abuse if she were to file first.  Lord knows how she'll retaliate.  I definitely want to have my ducks in a row first.)

Two nights ago, uBPDw woke me up around 3 am.  She wanted something to drink and to go outside and smoke.  I sleepily got her the drink, but declined to go outside with her.

She was livid.  When she got back inside, she proceeded to spend the next 45 minutes laying into me for not going with her.  Turning on the lights even though I was trying to sleep, threatening suicide, waking up S4, the whole nine yards.

Things finally calmed down and we got a few hours of sleep.  When we woke up around 7 am, uBPDw wanted immediately to resume the discussion/argument.  I asked for some quiet time first to make and eat breakfast.  (S4 had requested waffles and I was more than happy to oblige.)  She refused to give me this time, raging at me in plain view of S4 while I made breakfast.

After breakfast, uBPDw convinced me to come talk to her in the den while she smoked a bowl of weed.  After she laid into me for a while, I'd had enough and left the house.

I explored a few local parks near where I live and did some geocaching.  Then checked out a new restaurant and saw a movie I'd been meaning to see.  Some real 'me' things that I never get a chance to do with uBPDw.

At one point, I glanced at my phone and noticed that there was a notification saying that my phone had been located.  I suspected that uBPDw's dad was involved.  He is visiting right now and is vastly more tech-savvy than uBPDw.  (uBPDw later claimed that this was entirely her dad -- she wasn't even aware what he was doing until after he did it.)  I felt violated and turned off my phone.

I eventually went to my office to spend the night.  I got an email that uBPDw had transferred $600 out of my bank account and into hers.  I changed a bunch of my important passwords.



I went home this morning to find an extremely unhappy uBPDw.  Apparently, she considers me leaving S4 with her, her dad, and her stepmom "abuse" due to their various health problems.  (Ironically, she often threatens to fight for full custody of S4 in the event of a divorce, but yet she can't handle watching him with help for a single day due to her illness.)

It was a pretty tense morning.  uBPDw's dad -- who I've always had a good relationship with -- wants me gone and his been very cold.  I eventually drove uBPDw to a doctor's appointment.  One the return trip (2 hours), she raged at me the entire time over the events of yesterday.

She's convinced that her request for my company while she smoked in the middle of the night trumped my request for sleep.  Why?  Because she's sick.

She honestly told me that she expects my support 24/7.  I told her that I love her 24/7, but that I am human and need to sleep, eat, etc.  I can only do my best to support her.

I hate lying to her and pretending like things are going to be ok when I know that they're not.  Am I doing the right thing?
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flourdust
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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2017, 11:08:11 AM »

Imagine if this horror story was written by a stranger. What would you tell them?

Well, I'm a stranger to you, and I tell you I would have gotten out of there so quickly that I'd leave a flourdust-sized hole in the wall.

Think about just getting the f out of there when the raging starts. There are several points in that story where you could have left the situation, either by yourself or with S4 in tow -- for example, when she was raging at you while you were fixing S4 breakfast, you could have taken him out for breakfast.

If you haven't done so, I strongly encourage you to have a go-bag packed: this includes changes of clothes for you and S4, basic hygiene, medications, cash or a spare credit card, maybe a toy or book for S4, and a phone charger. You might even need an extra set of car keys in the bag if she's able to keep you from reaching them. Get in the habit of bugging out when you need to, and get her trained to expect that she can't pin you in place with her raging and threats.
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2017, 01:37:55 PM »

Your life is feces while she holds an emotional (and verbal) gun to your head whenever you don't cater to every single need of hers.  And you walk on eggshells regarding the filing?  Good God, man.  Don't waste another moment in filing before father tracks you via your phone at your lawyer's office and beats you to the filing... .from another jurisdiction.
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SurvivingBPDex

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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2017, 07:43:00 PM »

 
I wish you all the luck for you and your son. I'm greatful I never had kids with my ex or was married to him. I can relate to the late night trips to get a drink. My ex is an alcoholic and he would need his fix late at night when I needed to sleep. I would get up and take him just to shut him up. I have been alone a short period and I can say to you I'm greatful I don't have to get up late at night to fight or get beer. Hang in there . Be strong.
 
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Jim579
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« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2017, 11:13:44 PM »

Prof, how are things going?  Just checking in.
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prof
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« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2017, 10:38:36 AM »

It's been a little while since I've posted.

The day after my last post, uBPDw's dad and stepmom sat us down for some relationship pointers.  uBPDw was expecting them to spend the entire time berating me for my behavior (especially walking out for extended periods of time).  While they did this to some degree, they definitely spent a lot of time talking about her raging.  At one point, her dad said she could be a "scary person".

Her dad and I left for a while to grab some dinner to bring back.  While we were gone, uBPDw left and went to a nearby park.  (Recall that she's not supposed to drive.)  She eventually called me, not entirely sure where she'd driven to, and acted like she wasn't ever coming back.  "I'm just a scary person, everyone would be better off without me," etc.

She eventually sent me the Google Maps link to where she was and I drove my car to meet her and followed her home.

The next day, we dropped her dad and stepmom off at the airport.  (They had such a horrible trip... .)  We later went to a doctor's appointment.  She has been extremely weak recently, and the doctor admitted her to the hospital to figure out what was going on.

She was in the hospital for three days.  She spent much of the time complaining about the pain, eventually managing to get her oxycontin prescription increased slightly.

They weren't able to figure out her weakness.  Her illness can cause weakness if it's in her muscles or if it's affected her neurologically, but all the tests came back normal.

It's been a week since she was discharged.  She's gradually getting stronger, but is still using a cane or a walker to get around the house much of the time.  Things have been relatively calm between us.

uBPDw desperately wants to leave our state because she's fed up with the doctors here.  For now,  I'm playing along.  I even had a phone interview yesterday.  But she remains terrified that I'm going to leave.  And she's right -- I'm going to.   I'm patiently waiting for the academic year to start before I proceed with the divorce.  Then I can use work as a cover for visits to the L.

I also need to find a new L.  I showed my dad, who has offered to pay my legal fees, the financial agreement they sent me to sign, and he wasn't comfortable with the terms, calling it an essential "blank check" to the L.
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Jim579
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« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2017, 10:04:50 PM »

Hi Prof,

It sounds like you're proceeding carefully anf cautiously, which sounds like an intelligent choice, given some of the constraints you have right now.

I would think your dad would be appreciative of the care in selecting a lawyer.  Although I could understand the temptation to "go-go-GO!" and commence proceedings.

Do you have a long wait before the school year starts again?  How are you doing with maintaining your resolve  in the meantime?

Best,
Jim579
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prof
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« Reply #11 on: August 02, 2017, 09:01:22 AM »

Do you have a long wait before the school year starts again?  How are you doing with maintaining your resolve  in the meantime?

Beginning of the year faculty meetings begin tomorrow, so the wait is nearly over.

It's definitely been difficult at times to remain committed to my decision, especially when the symptoms of her auto-immune disease are especially bad and she needs my help.  She's also been calmer the last few weeks, so my "Wow I need to get out!" moments are fewer.

There's also a new development which I've been struggling with.  Over the holidays last year, we went to a world-famous clinic in a neighboring state so she could see a bunch of specialists and have a have a bunch of tests taken.  It was all covered by our insurance, but we couldn't afford the gas/food/lodging expenses.  We funded it by maxing out our credit cards (which we're still recovering from) and by asking for money from our friends on GoFundMe, which was quite successful.

uBPDw has recently become quite angry with her local doctors (well, relatively local -- still a 2 hr drive).  In particular, her pulmonologist is downplaying her illness since her PFT (pulmonary function test) results are in the normal range.  This is in spite of the fibrosis evident in CT scans of her lungs, the great deal of pain she has in her lungs, and the negative effect her illness has had on her flute playing.

She sent a message to the pulmonologist at the world-famous clinic mentioned above, and he wants her to come back.  So she's started another GoFundMe page, convinced me to share it with my friends on social media, and we've already raised several hundred dollars in just over one day.

On one hand, I want her to get the medical help she needs.  But on the other hand, I question if returning to this clinic is the right decision.

The pulmonologist isn't the one who treats the underlying problem of her illness -- that goes to the rheumotologist.  Her current rheumotologist has been dragging her feet, but she has an appointment scheduled with another one (who saw her in the hospital and seems very knowledgeable about her illness and treatment options) next week.  She's also been referred to another (and highly recommended) local pulmonologist and has an appointment with him in a couple months.  So it seems like things are already heading in the right direction locally.

I'm concerned that her main rationale for returning to the clinic is ... .opiates.  Her pain doctor began weaning her a couple months ago.  (Maybe not so coincidentally, right around the same time our marriage went from pretty bad to Wow AWFUL.)  In the hospital, they went back up a little bit.  The other day, she saw the pain doctor again and they went back up to the original dose.  For now.

The problem the pain doctor has is that nothing in her chart can explain the high levels of pain that uBPDw claims she has.  (Hmmmm... .)   So the doctor's not comfortable keeping her at this dose in the long term unless she has more information to work with.  Enter the clinic.  uBPDw is hopeful that they will be able to provide this information.

So I feel like I'm asking my friends for money so that the woman I'm about to divorce can get high. 
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flourdust
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« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2017, 10:08:12 AM »

Hey, prof, how are you doing?
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