Detaching and Moving

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I'd previously posted on the Conflicted/Deciding board.

Will be informing pwBPD in about a week, in a joint session with her T.

Packing up some of the most important things and moving them off-site in the meantime.  Will also be moving to a different state, where my dad owns a house. 

This scenario has been a threat, from her, off and on for a couple of years.  i.e. an ultimatum - if I don't do XYZ, she'll send me packing to Pop's, etc.  So now I'm choosing this myself.  A small part of me feels defeated in choosing this option, but I know it's more out of a feeling of defiance than intelligence.

The enabling that I've done, I realize, contributed to the dynamic.

What's most troubling at the moment is going through this at a time when she's been friendly and somewhat independent.

Just rambling here.  Thanks for reading.

[Jim579]

Hi,

I'd previously posted on the Conflicted/Deciding board.

Will be informing pwBPD in about a week, in a joint session with her T.

Packing up some of the most important things and moving them off-site in the meantime.  Will also be moving to a different state, where my dad owns a house. 

This scenario has been a threat, from her, off and on for a couple of years.  i.e. an ultimatum - if I don't do XYZ, she'll send me packing to Pop's, etc.  So now I'm choosing this myself.  A small part of me feels defeated in choosing this option, but I know it's more out of a feeling of defiance than intelligence.

The enabling that I've done, I realize, contributed to the dynamic.

What's most troubling at the moment is going through this at a time when she's been friendly and somewhat independent.

Just rambling here.  Thanks for reading.

[Unsureofmyself]

I think that's what hurts the most isn't it that we have enabled our BPD significant others to evolve their disorder further and created more Damage when your only intention was to help. I can empathize with this. I honestly believe that the choice you are making will have a positive outcome which will allow you to maintain a stronger outlook on the situation and help you to move past the situation. My partner would always move to a different country or county when he was in a discard phase and only return when he wanted to reconcile things with me. The only reason he would ever return here is for me and he genuinely beleives the place I live is bad for him. Giving he moves it has made the discard phases I have encountered which have been on 5 occasions in 17 months for about 2 months at a time  much easier as I can literally pretend like he doesn't exist and I do not have to worry about seeing him or hearing things about him which of course then causes you to want to see them or talk to them. I hope this makes sense

[Jim579]

Hi Unsure,

Yes, that makes sense.  Thanks for writing back.  I do hope that I'm making the right decision.  The past few days have been full of doubt.

Tonight, on the other hand--do I call this "relief?"

A big blow-up (after 3-4 relatively calm days).  I went outside to enjoy the decent weather and invited her to join me.  Within five minutes, out comes the self-hatred mixed with criticism of me.  Any attempt to reassure her that she wasn't to be blamed for XYZ just got twisted into a) not hearing her, b)  accusing her of lying, c) not taking her seriously.  ... .even though I make a point of acknowledging what she's said up front.

It's amazing how it seems that she literally can't hear me... .or herself.  When the specific issue she raised became contentious, I said I didn't want to spend the time outside arguing.  And from there, it just got worse--more general, more hurtful.  When I said that I was going back inside, the "threat" was made that she would follow me around wherever I went.

So yes, there's a perverse sense of relief that I'm doing the right thing.  I'm not slamming the door, based on a specific incident, but rather based on two pretty intense years of unhappiness. So there isn't that big "last straw" moment.

I'm doing some prep work, as far as moving important things out and setting up transportation/travel.  I really need to pick up the pace, though.  Has anyone else struggled with being sure and (almost) hoping for definitive reminders of why ending the r/s is necessary?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jim, Welcome to the Detaching Board.  It's normal to second guess yourself when it comes to parting ways.  A BPD r/s, as you know, goes in cycles, from relatively good times to really horrible times.  It's tempting to look only at the good times, which are fleeting because the reality is that the drama and turmoil return.  Sure, we all contribute to the dynamic in a BPD r/s, but don't beat yourself up.  I'm sure you did the best you could.  No, you haven't suffered a defeat; to the contrary, you are taking steps to make a positive change, so give yourself credit.

LuckyJim

[Unsureofmyself]

Hi Jim
I still struggle even though leaving was not in my control as he was the one that disappeared littlerally off the face of the earth I think I still have unsure reservations about whether I still want to be with him or if I'd give him another chance. However I keep thinking to myself if I have to try and explain to another human being that the way they are treating me is wrong then is sort of self explanatory that the human being will never meet the standard of a relationship that you require. I found piece in this because it makes you realise that all the things which they do as you say how you partner reacted recently, you shouldn't have to explain to them why it's wrong in normal situation the person would already know it's wrong and amend their behaviour.
I think it's hard because of the emotional attachment you still feel like when you aren't helping them that they are your responsibility and ultimately what happens is your fault however I think we as nice people need to acknowledge these people are accountable for their own actions and it's up to them to stand on their own two feet.
It's a really tough situation however I would say yours is one of the hardest as you are having to make a choice to leave. I don't know if it was me who was faced with your dilemma I'd be so strong so therefore I take my hat off to you. I think that no matter what you should understand that you are worthy of someone who you mean just as much as them and they do to you. I was speaking to my sister recently and said can you imagine if I actually ever went on a date with a different man and they offered to pay and drive. She looked at me like I was insane and I said I guess you get used to a level of where being treated badly is acceptable you get used to being the hero I think then it's hard to establish that sometimes you need to be your own hero and allow others to take care of you also. Your needs matter also. I hope that helps

[Unsureofmyself]

I think just to add to my previous posting also maybe writing a list of things your partner does which you don't agree with or when they've treated you badly, a list for the times where they have treated you well, a list of things you'll gain from leaving a list of things you could potentially gain from staying. I know when writing lists as humans we have the potential to be bias towards favouring the outcome you want subconsciously it's like when your watching a to programme you automatically sway to an outcome you want for the characters which evokes emotion... I think if you then look at your lists and be honest with yourself about where you have wrote the most positives  you will be able to see if you are swaying more towards leaving or more towards staying this will help you to understand how you truly feel deep down.
 This is the sort of tool I have being using recently I wrote the things I miss about him but I also unwillingly wrote the things that I honestly will gain by him not being here and when I looked at it from a helicopter view I was able to see that staying away from him will benefit me emotionally physically, financially and for my long term goals. I hope this helps you

[SurvivingBPDex]

Good luck on your journey . I left my pwBPD 3 days ago. It has not been easy. I have support from my family . Stay strong. You deserve better.
 

[Jim579]

Thank you LJ, Unsure & Surviving.

Those are good reminders and important to hear from outside my own head.  Things just don't ring as true from the inside, do they?  I wonder if church bells believe they're off-key... .

I am partly chronicling the last few days here as a kind of diary to remind myself of what I'm stepping away from.

1.  It has to be done right now, therefore, you have to do it.

Tonight provided several examples.  I often take one cat next door (where she's temporarily staying) at her request, for company.  I have two other cats and an older dog to care for.  The unspoken assumption on my part is that she will care for our visiting cat (food, water, litter, etc.).  When this has been challenged, I've tried to hold firm on boundaries.  I haven't always been able to do that. 

Tonight, P:  will you scoop.the litter pan? Here's a bag you can use and thanks.

Response:  Well... .I think it's better if you do that, but I heard you say your leg is hurting.   Could you do it tomorrow?

P:  No it has to be done tonight, b/c cat blah blah blah (courtesy of FormFlier).

Response:  Okay, if you say so.  If you're in pain, it seems like it could wait a few hours.

P:  Slamming things onto floor.  You just want to torture me!  You never help with anything!  It would take you 30 seconds!

Response:  I dumped the box and filled it with fresh litter a couple of days ago, right?  You said your leg was hurting--since the kitchen is some distance away, I got you an ice pack and water, right?

P:  I didn't say you never helped, I said you never help if you decide on your own that I don't need something.

Response:  I don't decide what you need.  I just asked if there was another option--waiting until tomorrow, when your leg might feel better.

P:  Are you really that selfish that you can't just do that one thing?  Our cat wants so much to be good, but you blah blah blah.

2.  A specific idea, by itself, excludes all other possibilities.

Me:  It seems like we perceive things with different levels of importance.  I wonder if it would do any good to see your T together.

P:  She can't fix everything in one session!  You need to be the one to find a long term T and schedule it.  And if you're not willing to do that, then I have to seriously question... .

Me:  Wait, hold on.  I'm just talking about short term.

P:  Oh, yeah, like you've been doing for the past 10 years.  So if the only thing you can do is short term, that doesn't bode... .

Me:  You have an appointment already scheduled.  I just wondered aloud if something helpful might come out of it, if we both... .

P:  But it's not magic!  It doesn't just take once!  How many times do I blah blah blah.

3.  Old stuff is never resolved and is evidence that she should've used to end things way back when.

P:  You don't think about me now and you didn't then.  You said you didn't think about me if we weren't actually talking.

Me:  I was just getting to know you.  That was 17 years ago.

P:  Well, if I had known blah blah blah

Me:  And so all the time since then doesn't count?

P:  Name one time!  I was such an idiot to think blah blah blah.


And then, after hours have gone by, the complaint that I "don't ever listen to her."

It makes my head spin.

[Jim579]

Update:  I met with my therapist yesterday.

It was a good meeting.  She encouraged me and said that coming to a final decision is something to be proud of.  I'm mostly feeling guilt and anxiety.

She also emphasized the benefits of informing my pwBPD in the presence of her own therapist. One of them I had not heard before;  the other therapist will send us home with a plan, in order to avoid any acute situations.

My T also said that she would like to offer additional support before I leave the area. So perhaps one last appointment will be possible. She said that she would like to continue therapy for the sake of the transition process, and that once I signed a release, her office could forward her notes to any new therapist I might start working with.

I am trying to get things organized, as far as picking out the things I will definitely want to take with me. It's been going very slowly. I am trying not to panic.

[Jim579]

Hi.

I woke up this morning to feel an immense feeling of busyness in my brain.  As if a swarm of bees was buzzing around.

Finally, I remembered the dream I had.  Packing things up, trying to decide ehat to take, and driving long distances.

Such a disappointment to realize all of the energy that went into the dream, but with nothing to show for it yet!  I feel exhausted... .and I just awoke.

I take my last box of truly important things out of the house today.  Later, at her appointment with her T, I will inform her of the decision.

Such a pile of possessions to go through. 

[Harley Quinn]

Good luck Jim.  We'll be right behind you.

Love and light x

[Jim579]

Thank you, HQ.  I saw your note just before leaving for the session.  It was a nice thing to read at that particular moment.

But it looks like the session that had been planned is postponed until next Friday.  Since my P was late getting ready, we arrived late.  Her T clearly wanted there to be enough time--can't fault her for that!

But it does mean sitting with this knowledge.  And I guess, more time to pack things.

[Harley Quinn]

That must have been disappointing after getting yourself prepared.  Try to use this time to check for anything you may have forgotten to plan around I guess.  Everything happens for a reason so just hang in there and be glad it's not a month.  A week will soon go by.  Know it's going to be tough though.  You can always let your feelings out here if they pile up on you.

Love and light x

[Jim579]

HQ, I think you're right about the extra time.  And I guess it was a sort of dress rehearsal.

I saw someone else's posts about dreams.  Most of the time I don't remember mine.  That hasn't always been the case, but it has for awhile now.

Last night's was a bit intense.  I was a few years younger, and my grandpa was still alive.  I was working in my main industry again, and he happened to be the head of the company.  But instead of doing well, I couldn't get anything right.  Clumsy mistakes, etc.  He was very disappointed and pretty angry.

Which is just the opposite of who he actually was.  I think I saw him get angry/exasperated exactly once, and he apologized moments later.  So that was a bit nerve-wracking to wake up to.

The night before, it was a dream about moving, set during the time I was in college.  Forgetting things, lots of driving, doubling back, repacking.  That one was pretty obvious.

Phew!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jim-
I want to offer you encouragement today.  Friday will be here soon.  Please keep your head where your heels are.  I'm not sure where I heard that, but it works to keep my eyes away from the rear view mirror and my goals aimed forward.

Chin up, my friend.  Please do the BEST for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jim579]

Thank you, Gems.

Looking ahead has been difficult the last few days, as they've been relatively calm, with her mentioning things she'd like to do together later this year.  I feel so guilty, and a bit stupid, in that the same Calm/Frantic cycle was happening back in my "Conflicted & Deciding" thread.  I've re-read it, to remind myself, but it's not doing much good right now.

I guess, on the plus side, fewer symptoms could mean that a friendship is possible.  I can't see myself establishing NC right out the gate, even though many recommend it.  That just seems like a separate decision to me.

She's in her DBT group session right now.  It's hard to feel so final about my decision qhen she's following through with her therapy.  Not changing my mind, but boy, this is tough.

[Jim579]

I'm trying not to panic.  I hope I'm not making a big, stupid mistake.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jim,

You've had time to think about this and your actions have been driven by what your head is telling you.  Our hearts tend to take a while to catch up.  This is hard and I feel for you.  That feeling of panic is natural at a time of big change, so remind yourself of the valid reasons you have for doing this.  I'd be scared and second guessing myself too.  Perhaps this will pave the way for something new and unanticipated which is better for all involved.  Take deep breaths and be open to what life delivers.

Good luck!

Love and light x

[Jim579]

Just back from joint meeting (myself and P) with her T.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  My heart (today) just isn't in slamming the door shut.  It's been an on-again, off-again "decision" since I first made it 3 weeks ago.

It is true that I need a break from the relationship, and my plans to go visit my father next week are still on.  Despite my own T and friends saying I made the right decision, they're not in my shoes. 

Maybe when I arrive at my father's place, it will become clearer.  I just don't feel emotionally ready to call it quits.  It feels like a "weenie move," but I don't know how else to explain it.

So many times, it's been her "deciding" that she was "going to send me" to live with my father (threats, or ultimatums).  It's been hard not to feel a bit resentful then, as it feels infantilizing to be told where I'll go.  But this is the first time I've had to try it on myself--that I'm going to go visit him when I choose, and that the relationship has worn me down.  I'm not sure that I've ever been able to speak from this position before.

Ugh.  I just don't know.  I know waffling doesn't help anyone, but I don't feel ready.  Where did I go wrong?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jim, You didn't "go wrong" so don't beat yourself up!  When the time comes, I suspect you'll know it.  In the meantime, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Visiting your father is a great opportunity for you to get re-centered.  LJ

[Jim579]

Thank you very much, LuckyJim.  I know there aren't any irrevocable rules.  I'm just trying to be as clear-cut as the books/advice recommend.  We are agreed on this time (2-4 weeks) being "time away"/separation.  But that's the furthest I've gotten for now.  As her T pointed out, she can also decide things:  that she's done with the relationship ; that she's not sure; that she is open to continuing.

I'm bringing important stuff with me, in case ending the relationship is the final conclusion.

Thank you again, LJ.  I would welcome other feedback--has anyone proceeded down this separation path... .did you gain any insights?

(Deep breaths... .deep breaths... .)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jim, Yes, I've been down the separation road and am happy to share my experiences if you have any particular questions.  During your time apart, I suggest you focus on finding the right path for YOU.  I wouldn't bother wasting time worrying about what she "might" do or decide to do, which is out of your control anyway.  You're the Captain of your ship and you call the shots about what is best for your own life, right?  You get the idea.

LJ

[Jim579]

Thank you, LJ.  That's what it should be:  captain of my own ship.  I'm out of practice.  Your support and that of others (including my T) has helped me with these latest rudder maneuvers. 

A lot of text messages, guilt trips, voicemails over the last few days.  My T says to expect this.

I guess one question for you, LJ, would be:  was news and the aftermath of your separation handled by your W/P any better (in your estimation) than if you had simply announced an interest in leaving the r/s?  And maybe any boundaries that you set during the separation. Obviously, if you feel comfortable sharing this.  Thanks again.

[Lucky Jim]

was news and the aftermath of your separation handled by your W/P any better (in your estimation) than if you had simply announced an interest in leaving the r/s?

Hey Jim579, Help me out here; I don't quite understand your question.  Perhaps you could rephrase?

Concerning boundaries during your separation, I would suggest limiting your exposure to abusive/manipulative calls and/or messages from your W.  How you go about that is up to you, but let me say that you don't have to pick up every time she calls; and you don't have to return text messages as soon as you receive them.  The idea is to create some space for yourself, in order to get re-centered.  Suggest you make yourself the priority during this time apart.

LJ

[Jim579]

Hi LJ,

Sorry.  Yes.  I don't know the particulars, obviously.  But:

Did your wife/partner view the separation as a calming move, or did she immediately view the separation as the end to the relationship?

The latter is what my pwBPD has made of this.  It's been hard not to get pulled into conversations on the difference between the two.

I head out today.

Best,

Jim579

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jim579,

Good luck!  I think taking a break is a wise move in the direction of positive change.

To be honest, my marriage to my BPDxW had already broken down by the time we separated, so I would have to say that it was more of the latter.  Our separation provided me with a reprieve from an abusive situation and, once away from the drama, I never seriously considered going back.  Your situation, of course, is different.

As I said previously:

The idea is to create some space for yourself, in order to get re-centered.  Suggest you make yourself the priority during this time apart.

Keep us posted, when you can!
LJ

[Jim579]

Hi everyone,

An update:

I was able to get out.  There are some days when it feels like "... .just barely." 

I moved to a different state, with help from family.  And family is relatively close by, compared with my previous location.

I'm still in touch with my xpwBPD but on a once a week basis.  So far, conversations have mostly stayed on topics of a practical nature ("What's the password for the wireless router," etc.).

But I have that feeling quite often of having just escaped from a burning building. 

I have a job, and a pretty decent one, but I was sure hesitant to start a work schedule, for fear that I'd wreck things by oversleeping, feeling overwhelmed from what I just escaped, etc.  In other words, the fear was that I'd leap into something without really being ready for it.

Sometimes I still have that feeling, but... .one has to work... .what else could I do?

The biggest issue at the moment seems to be this feeling of falling down an abyss.  My hunch is that the BPD and co-dependent dynamic from before made decisions very tangible and immediate.  Not much movement permitted--this or that emergency meant making specific decisions to deal with the next 6-24 hours.

Now, there's an incredible amount of freedom.  Sometimes this feels very good--"oh good, I can breathe again!"  But other times, it feels like there's nothing to latch onto.  No outcropping to grab hold of, to define what the next couple of days should be used for.  When this feeling strikes (2-3 times a week, mostly after work or on weekends), it's terrifying.  Since I'm not always in emergency mode or trying to take some kind of preventative action, I still have this feeling that an emergency will happen.  That I'm not doing enough... .or anything! so, of course, the (imagined) emergency will arrive.

It reminds me a little bit of the drive here:  fairly long, such that when I got out of the car, for the rest of the day, I felt like I was still moving.  That feeling would sometimes conflict with the other feeling of "I can take it easy, I don't need to practice defensive driving, I don't need to be ready to step on the brake, etc." ... .and there would be very short (2-3 seconds) moments of panic when the two feelings would collide (still moving/in vehicle vs. at rest/relaxed).

Then there are other feelings like:  the weekend!  it's here!  Oh god, I'm wasting it, I'm wasting it, I haven't done anything with it and... .here comes Monday again, oh no... .

I'm trying to keep it together externally (my job requires frequent interaction with the public, as well as colleagues at the office), but I feel like there's a bushel of Mexican jumping beans inside of me.

I hope everyone here is doing okay.

[Harley Quinn]

It's great to hear from you and well done on putting some distance and breathing space between you.  I'm glad that you are functioning, even if it feels like that is badly at times (I know that feeling all too well!).  The fact is you can be proud of yourself for keeping going and achieving what you have, so try not to knock yourself or put yourself under too much pressure.  Finding a stable norm takes time, and I still have moments where I feel much as you describe.  It is hard moving from a constant state of readiness (fight or flight mode) to a reality where that isn't necessary any more and takes a period of adjustment.

I can totally relate to letting time slip by and not really using it after having such a set routine of taking care of someone else's needs, dramas and demands.  I felt cut adrift and wasn't sure what to do with my time when left to my own devices.  Still working on that one as I find it hard to put a routine into place that just revolves around me.  Gradually beginning to take up activities that you enjoy so that you have something lined up can help a great deal, to put some structure into place.  Perhaps join a gym, take a class, see what is available in your area for you to become involved in?  

Try to tap into your soothing emotional system.  This is what can teach your mind and emotions to leave the fight or flight (threat) mode for more of the time.  You can do this by incorporating simple things into your day.  Such as taking time out to do things that you enjoy.  Making a point of connecting with people like family and friends (whether you feel like it or not), giving and receiving kindness and allowing yourself to notice for a minute or two how that makes you feel.  :)o what you love, whether that be a hobby or learning something new.  All these things move you out of that threat mode and help your nervous system to re balance itself.  Meditation, if you practise this, is a really great way too.  What ways do you find to relax and are you making a point of putting relaxation time into your schedule?  Recovery means being kind to yourself.  

How do you feel when you have contact with your ex wife?  I'm wondering how that affects you.

Love and light x

[Jim579]

Dear HQ,

Thank you so much for your response.  I have read through it a few times but would like to take a day or so and then read through it again.  Sometimes it can be hard to appreciate what another has written while caught up in the intense emotions!  But I wanted to at least thank you promptly.  More soon.

[Lucky Jim]

I have that feeling quite often of having just escaped from a burning building. 

Hey Jim 579, That's a pretty accurate description of what you've been through.  Of course you may feel disoriented or dislocated at times, which is normal.  When you get those feelings of Mexican jumping beans inside, my suggestion is for you to go with your gut feelings.  Strive to be authentic.  Be yourself.  Your fallback position is sticking with your personal truth, your core, which is your compass.

Let me know if you have any particular questions or if there is anything about my experience that might be helpful for you.

LJ

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jim-

I wanted to check in and see how you're doing.  I know you haven't been on the site since November or so, and you were going through some difficult adjustments.  I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you're taking care of yourself and finding some much deserved balance and peace  in your life.

I'm here, as are lots of us who care about you, if you'd like to talk.

Warmly,

Gemsforeyes

[Jim579]

Hi Gems,

Thank you for the kind words and for caring.

It's now mid-June and I'm assessing where I am emotionally.

I have come up empty with that assessment. I'm not sure, as I look back over the last 10 months, whether I've had any luck re-centering myself.

About two months after my arrival, I was lucky to find full-time work. For a good three or four months, it was exhausting, but it was new, at least. And it meant some money was coming in, giving me some sense of independence.

For most of that time, I chalked up the exhaustion to the steep learning curve and, to some extent, the hours. I was working 45-50 hrs per week, sometimes working partial days on weekends.

I'm not sure if I've acclimated at all or if I'm in the same boat later 8 months later. I still feel exhausted nearly every night. I keep waiting for my coveted, longed-for job stamina to appear.

And it feels like a complete blur since I first arrived here, at my new home.

I'm wondering if my fear back in November has come true: that jumping into a new job right away would get in the way of processing the move I made from my xpwBPD.

I've been telling myself to stick it out just a little longer.

But I don't feel like my time is my own. I don't feel like I've been able to catch my breath from the relationship. There are not enough consecutive blocks of time free for me to do much of anything.  Its almost like I just traded in my never-done-with-the-caretaking status in the relationship for a similar job status:  never-quite-done-with-assignments.

It feels like, after getting out of a house fire, I've now put all my things into a car, and I'm driving it at 85 miles per hour, without enough time to check the coolant levels or check the oil.

I have attempted in the last 2 months to find a counselor. My previous counselor suggested continuing on with someone else, once I moved. For a long time I couldn't imagine finding anyone who could see me during the hours I have available. But anxiety and and on a creeping sense of job hatred, vaguely connected with the idea of not dealing with the relationship break-up, were growing.

The first counselor stood me up, after about a week of phone, text, and voicemail tag. I stood at his office for a while trying to make sense of all of this. I still remember this feeling of disbelief. He runs a side business unrelated to counseling. I stopped in briefly, just to see if you would recognize me or if he had anything to say. He had a lot of customers. He said, oh hi Jim, and went back to them.

I do have a second appointment with the second counselor I eventually found, in the next city over. The first appointment was all information gathering, or intake as they call it. She asked when I would like to meet next. I said, tomorrow? I could just stay right here in the lobby. She said, let's see what we can find next week. I guess the next availability turned out to be 3 weeks later. So that's about 2 weeks from now.

I feel like I'm completely out of gas and already way past any remaining fumes.

Even though it's 7:35 p.m. on Sunday, it feels like it might as well be 6:30 a.m., Monday morning--oh, it's time to figure out how on earth I'm going to get the leftover work from last week done this morning!

My nerves feel like they're on the surface of my skin, like they did during the worst times of the relationship. I'm trying very hard not to call or text my boss and announce my immediate resignation. I've been thinking about when to do the most thoughtful thing, and give two weeks notice... .but I've been thinking about that notice for about 8 weeks now.

I feel like I'm now paying an emotional toll, during an impossible situation, for having put off any follow-up counseling for so long.   Am I just wired (haywired?) to throw myself into overwhelming, no-down time situations?

[MeandThee29]

I feel like I'm completely out of gas and already way past any remaining fumes.

Even though it's 7:35 p.m. on Sunday, it feels like it might as well be 6:30 a.m., Monday morning--oh, it's time to figure out how on earth I'm going to get the leftover work from last week done this morning!

My nerves feel like they're on the surface of my skin, like they did during the worst times of the relationship. I'm trying very hard not to call or text my boss and announce my immediate resignation. I've been thinking about when to do the most thoughtful thing, and give two weeks notice... .but I've been thinking about that notice for about 8 weeks now.

I feel like I'm now paying an emotional toll, during an impossible situation, for having put off any follow-up counseling for so long.   Am I just wired (haywired?) to throw myself into overwhelming, no-down time situations?

The tiredness is a common symptom when you are going through something like this. I shared that issue with my physician after having perfect blood work, etc., and he said it's to be expected with a little depression and anxiety. Mine isn't bad enough to take medication, but I have good and bad days. It will get better.

Counselling dropped it down to a reasonable level though, far better than before. On a bad day, I can still function and get things done. It's usually short term now.

If you basically like the work, I'd give the counselling a try and then see how you feel.

[Jim579]

Hi MeandThee29,

Thank you for writing back.

I'm glad to hear that counseling has helped your situation.  It's helpful to hear your experience, too.

I don't know if I'll be able to hold out long enough to try counseling (before making a job decision), but:

--I did call a friend who's a good listener and very empathetic.

--I called the crisis line of the mental health center that did my intake.  It's been rare that I've ever thought of suicide, but I felt like I was starting to approach that kind of thinking.  It wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped, but it was another voice on the line that at least acknowledged the rough spot I was in.

--I talked to a second friend on the way to the office.  My thought in going there was to arrive before anyone else, turn in my work equipment and my key, and just leave it at that.  Although I had also considered asking for/taking a mental health day, the furthest I could get with that is:  "They'll say no" and "I'd just be delaying the inevitable."  Friend 2 suggested something:  maybe the way they react to my need for a mental health day will give me further info to base a decision on.

That sounded possibly fair.  And I'm usually very averse to any kind of rash act, like sudden quitting.  So I drove home and took Friend 2's suggestion. 

I don't really want to make a huge mistake--since so much in our culture rides on occupation/insurance--without feeling a little more calm about the situation.

Just kind of recapping the morning.  But MeandThee29, thank you again.  It was nice to find your response waiting for me.

Jim579

[Jim579]

This is a general post--just continuing on from before--

Still trying to understand what to do next.  In some ways, it doesn't seem like I have the same post-breakup feelings as others:

--I don't really miss the relationship.  I miss some of the "inlaw" relationships that were built over many years, but the idea of returning to the relationship itself does not feel attractive.  It feels akin to climbing back into a dark, claustrophobic cave.

--N/C is something I'm on the fence about.  There have been a few phone calls that have gone fine; she has not engaged me with BPD behaviors or conflict.  She sends me text messages far more often than I respond; I try to respond to the ones that are calm, instead of those that are conflict-laden or potentially manipulative. 

On the other hand, there are some definite similarities with others here on the messageboard:

--Yesterday, I think I experienced a possible trigger.  My partner walked with a metal cane.  I've heard this sound in multiple environments since leaving her 10 months ago (with no apparent reaction).  But last night, it got to me while really struggling with fundamental job questions (can I continue to bear working there until I get an official job offer from another organization?  just another two week?  can I bear even going back, period?).

The little plastic pulls at the end of the window-blind cord, occasionally caught by the wind, were knocking against the window-sill and each other.  It sounded very much like the two-tone sound of a metal cane (with plastic tip) making contact with the ground, and the rattle/reverberation of the pieces that make up the cane. 

I tried to think my way "through" such an innocuous sound:  yes, look, that's all it is.  I can see what's making the sound.  My xpwBPD is not coming around the corner... .but it was still causing stress.  I wound up the cord so that the noise wouldn't occur.

I'm a little confused on what I should be doing.  Should I be posting in this section of the board, or from the "Learning... ." section?  I've looked through the Detaching/Learning lessons here, but I have to admit, they seem sort of circular and regressive, in that they talk more about the process of identifying whether a partner has BPD traits.

It's been 10 months since I left the relationship.  My first counseling session is still 2 weeks away.  I have to wonder if my current job has been a kind of placeholder for the relationship.  It leaves very little to zero time for my own interests, even during days off (which are sometimes consumed by the job).  It feels unfair not to have dependable days off.  When I think about leaving it, I have thoughts of "who else will save the day?"  So some definite self-sacrifice thought patterns in there.

My supervisor seems potentially willing to make some changes--a good reminder that this is not a BPD relationship--but I'm not sure what to ask for.

I think I can get away with one more mental health day before they want some input from me.  I'm very confused about what I'm dealing with here, emotionally and mentally.  It seems like the job duties/dynamics have become jumbled up with escaping from a BPD relationship.

Thanks for reading.   

[Jim579]

A short addendum:

A friend asked me today what my gut feeling was about the work situation.  The answer I ended up giving made me think there truly is a connection with the BPD experience and breakup:

"My gut is telling me the same thing as it would at a restaurant, if there was food remaining on my plate, but I was full.  If the server came up to me and said:

'It would really mean a lot to the cook if you were to finish that right now.  Management would really, really hope that you would, too.  And it would mean a lot to me, personally.'

"then I would say,

'No.  I've already eaten more than I intended to, because I knew this reaction from restaurant staff would come.  You've already gotten my energy, and my time, and my money, and yes--although I did get the benefit of the food itself--I'm done, and frankly, past the point of being done.  I went further than I should have, in hindsight.  I didn't expect to reach this point of revulsion so soon, I'm kinda sorry that I've reached this point, but no.  Just no.'

"My brain tells me that--back in the job context--I really need to give them the standard two weeks' notice.

"But I feel that the trade-off has been, essentially, unfair.  They've already gotten me for the time they've had me.  A sane person, after three months, would say, 'I'm past the bulk of the learning curve hump--this is what the job is?  Forget it.'

"And so while I feel very selfish for saying no, I feel like, well, that reluctance to say 'No, enough' is the very thing that got me into the caretaking situation with my pwBPD."

Maybe I'm having a way-stronger reaction that I should have, precisely because of my BPD relationship.  But that seems to be where I am, at this specific moment.

[Lucky Jim]

Maybe I'm having a way-stronger reaction that I should have, precisely because of my BPD relationship.  But that seems to be where I am, at this specific moment.

Hey Jim579, Let's start from where you are at present.  Are you hoping to get back together with your BPD Ex?  I'm unsure from your latest post.  Are you still haunted by triggers, such as the sound her cane makes?  Are you unhappy at work and thinking about making a change?  What is the connection between your work and your BPD Ex?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Jim579]

Hi LuckyJim,

Thank you for writing back.  Sorry, that's a lot to digest without a kind of bare-bones update, isn't it?  

1.  No, I'm not hoping to get back together with my BPD Ex.

2.  Up until yesterday, I didn't think there were triggers that affected me.  But all of a sudden, I noticed that I was kind of wincing each time I heard that sound.  It makes me think that perhaps there are others that I just haven't consciously noticed.

3.  Yes, I'm unhappy at work and thinking of making a change.  I was on a reasonable kind of trajectory in that way--gathering information about the potential, new position.  Establishing what the new job might entail as far as "earliest start date" and "we need to to start at X date, at the latest, if you want the job."  And then, wham, Sunday night/Monday morning, I just hit immediate revulsion- and resistance-mode towards the job.

4.  There isn't a direct connection between the job and my xpwBPD.  I have moved out of the state in which she lives.  But I'm starting to wonder if my sudden reaction comes from feeling that some of my unhealthy relationship behavior is being repeated, such as lack of reciprocity (I give the job much more than I get in return), schedule unpredictability (sometimes the job literally gets in the way of itself--the only way to solve this issue is put my own time in), and a kind of dead feeling (there are very few positive reactions to things, just negative reactions if something doesn't work out).  At least with a partner, there was a love relationship that was once part of the equation!

[Lucky Jim]

OK, that clarifies it.  So you're saying that you've recreated the unhealthy r/s with your BPD Ex, to some extent, with an unhealthy r/s with your work?  Wouldn't surprise me at all.  The same patterns tend to repeat in different contexts, from what I've observed.  I once had a boss who treated his wife poorly and did the same thing at work with his employees.

I guess the question is: why do you keep getting into the same pattern at work that you did in your BPD r/s?  Is that the right question?  If so, that's your task: to figure it out.

LJ

[Jim579]

LJ,

I'm not sure if that's what I'm facing.  I'm wondering if that's the case. 

I'm on my second "mental health day" leave from work.  The feelings of revulsion late Sunday/early Monday were surprisingly strong, stopped me in my tracks, and I'm still baffled by them.  That was my thought in bringing these feelings and questions to the board.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jim-
I'm so glad to "see" you.  And to say that I empathize with where you stand would be an understatement.  I am standing here twice now, and this second time has cost me my health.

I try not to pour too much of my own story into a response, but I think it may help you reflect and redirect toward a healthier path for yourself than the one I took.  I'll try to be concise.

When my husband of 19 years threw me across the room and into a wall one night in 2011, I was stunned.  It was the last thing in the world I EVER expected him to do.  There had been some "issues" for a few months, a brief and very calm discussion of temporary separation, but a horrible few days of fighting leading up to that night.  I did however come to understand that I had been emotionally abused and "bullied" during much of our relationship, and my T (who had previously done marriage counseling for us during prior bumps), had told me... ."Gems, you have GOT to get away from this man!"  This was after my H sent me his " Husband's Manifesto", a list of the things he wanted me to do.  I showed the Manifesto to my T.  I was bewildered.  I had always worked more than full-time, while my H worked half-time, ran around and did GOD knows what... .

So the night came when he physically hurled my body.  I was terrified and ran to the phone to call 911.  He screamed that I "better NOT be calling the police", so I hung up.  Well the call went through and they showed up, and arrested him for felony domestic assault based on what HE told the officer.  I lied to the officer who spoke to me.  My husband knew me as a person who NEVER lied.  He was the liar, so he figured that he better tell the truth that night.  The biggest error of my life was not pressing charges.  No matter now.

Three weeks prior to this violent incident and the collapse of my marriage , I had left a job of 16 years for a new one.  I was completely misled over what my new job responsibilities would be.  I poured my entire soul into that job and IGNORED the fact that I was falling apart emotionally.  I isolated my genius, analytical brain from my broken heart.  I did some of the best, most complex work of my life and didn't miss a beat.  I dropped another 20 pounds.  My H was supposed to stay off the property, but did not.  He tortured me nightly.  I should have, but did not call the police again.  I screwed myself but good.

Ultimately I fled my home and moved cross-country.  I bought a house sight unseen in my home state... .a place I hated.   I left all of my friends, my job, my community, the place that I loved.  I still hate myself.  My employer told me I could remain employed, but changed their minds before my car hit my destination state.  They did allow me to become a contract worker.  I continued to pour myself into work.  When I wasn't working, I cried hysterically by myself.  I lost more weight.  I was told if I didn't gain weight, I would be put in the hospital to gain weight, so I turned to candy kisses for help.  It worked and I slowly gained weight.  I am back to using that candy to keep some weight on.

In 9/2013 I met BPDbf.  Lucky me... .I have to stay away from him forever.  I made him go away in February when my best friend died suddenly and he couldn't control his rage.  Last week the text messages started so we could meet and exchange items.  Then he got nasty.  I guess the thought of seeing his face, or being in his presence got the best of me and I ended up in the ER for most of Friday late afternoon and night.  This time it was NOT an anxiety attack.  I had to text him to see if he could look after my dog.  Yes of course!  But the thought of him in my home made me check myself out of the hospital AMA, against medical advice.  My brother told me he will take my dog if I die.  So did a friend in CA.  Yesterday I called the suicide hotline. 

I have complex PTSD.  I know too much about myself.  I tried to quit my job today, saying I have some health issues to address.  They told me they will put the project on hold until I'm feeling better.  Their desire for my work has zip to do with caring about my wellbeing.   I want to tell them to pound sand and that I will NEVER feel well enough to work for THEM!

So Jim... .please... .try to do for yourself what I cannot.  Take some time to heal yourself from what you have been through.  If I recall correctly, your dad has a good understanding of what you've been through.  Tell him and other friends how you're feeling.  If adjustments to your work responsibilities CAN be made to ease your hours and your mind/emotions, maybe that's an option.  If not, another job opportunity will arise. 
 
I did not take the time to heal from the devastating effects of my "escape"; and clearly from this BPD ending.  I have hidden way too much for way too long.  Please don't be like me.  And please know... .I am NOT seeking solace or comfort.  I have learned a lesson. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jim, If you're taking another day off, presumably something is bothering you.  What are your gut feelings?  Does it have something to do with your former BPD r/s?  Suggest you allow yourself to experience and acknowledge your feelings.  What's happening?  Sometimes one needs to get quiet in order to let the water clear.

LJ

[Jim579]

Dear Gems & LJ,

Thanks so much for writing back.

Gems, I am truly sorry to hear what you've gone through.   I do take to heart your suggestion to heal as much as possible before possibly entering a similar situation. I think I'm doing that.

LJ, the gut feelings were: being overwhelmed, feeling that the work situation was unfair, and a bit hurt that my offer to continue working during the hiatus was rejected.

Ultimately, it turned out that a friend's suggestion to level with the boss (before resigning) was the correct one.  I expressed my exhaustion, said what I thought I needed and laid out what I thought I could offer in the short term (i.e. one or two of the more important work projects).

My friend had said that my boss' reaction would tell me if resigning would be the right step to take.  And that was good advice.  What came back from the boss was disinterest in my emotional situation and an attempt to "lay down the law."  (Thanks, boss, for that non sequitur!)  So I resigned and gave them nothing. 

I was able to find another position a few months later, where I remain today.

Looking back at my earlier posts, I think the connection with the BPDex came from the emotional draining and the lack of reciprocity.  With both the relationship and the work, it would be one thing if there were some point of recharging--or better yet:  rest, change of pace, recovery.  But that never seemed to arrive in either situation.  And I mean that in terms of being left alone, and managing that recharging on my own.  Reciprocity, which could have been expressed by accomplishments being noted (work) or loving/emotional support (relationship) ... .gosh, that would've been pure gravy! 

I'm working part-time and am keeping this schedule deliberately to allow extra time for rest.  In a few months, it may be possible to go up to almost full-time. 

I wasn't expecting such a parallel to develop between work and the BPDex relationship.  But there it was--at least, emotionally.  It didn't seem to make any sense intellectually--why would a tapping sound (see earlier post) all of a sudden cause such a reaction, for instance?

I have this image in my head of a short-circuit--where there's so much electricity in a confined space, that it jumps out of its bounds and lands elsewhere.  Maybe that's just the trouble with trauma... .it doesn't want to stay put where it seems like it ought to.

Thanks again for reading and for the perspective.  Maybe I can be helpful to others on this board in some way.

[once removed]

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