Hi.

[meeh]

So. Short description:
Married with 2 kids. Mid 30s. Male.
My wife has been diagnosed with evasive type anxiety and traits of borderline. She is getting help with medication and therapy.
Our sex life is and always have been really on the low. She has huge hangups with sex.
We were both brought up in religious families, but have both switched away from orthodoxy, and take what we feel is good from the religion, and discard the bad. But because of the religious part=no sex before marriage.
So I had no idea that sex would be an issue (neither did she). I'm sure in part that her sex problems are coupled with her religious upbringing. (she had strict parents, i didnt). But I'm also sure her PD plays a huge part.
Been married for over 10 years. Seeing a sex therapist together. Things are progressing a bit, but still not enough.

I'm seeing a normal therapist because this whole thing has left deep scars in me and i'm sad about certain things in my life/marriage.

Things have been very chaotic and bad in our home because of her disorder. Those times are over, but i am left with kind of a PTSD thing i think.

She is away for a week with her 2 sisters and their kids+our kids (she had deep anxiety about the whole thing, but went anyway).

That was my background.

Here is where i am right now (have been for the last year or more)= Should i stay or should i go? And why is it SO freaking hard to leave? I know many other people that would have left after a year or 2, or slept with someone else etc. But i sincerely don't have it in me to say "goodbye", for some reason. I don't at all feel like a push over. I can get mad, and get annoyed etc, but it's like my ability to leave a marriage is just almost non-existant.

I want to be able to set borders faster, without thinking of the consequences. In that way, either the marriage will die because of me showing my emotions, or my wife will start calming down, because she can see that i'm not an enabler in any way (I don't feel like an enabler, but in truth, when ever I don't stand up for myself, I am an enabler, saying "Your behaviour is OK".


So a couple of questions for you:


The key to emotional survival for me is to set healthy borders, and have them come out right away. We Non's for some reason don't have solid borders. I don't know why. Maybe it was my religious upbringing and the whole "turn the other cheek"/"always be good to others" etc, mixed with my very empathetic nature, i dont know.


What do you do to develop a thick skin? To set boundaries right away?
What do you do to not feel constant low-level anxiety? (AKA walking on eggshells).


And your thought about this:

She gets along great with my youngest kid but has conflicts with the oldest about 2 times a month or so. It's stupid little things, where my son is just being a kid and gets mad about certain things/doesnt want to take responsibility for certain things, and my wife gets really mad and raises her voice and start arguing with mith him. He's 7 years old and she is arguing with him about 7 year old stuff... It seems SO childish of her. I don't know if this is causing any general damage to him, but he's always been the sensitive type. The good thing is that they typically make up afterwards. Is this normal in a normal family?  Will it leave him with scars etc?

I have been the emotional stability for the kids during a 4 year (or so) period where my wife was a complete mess. She would get really angry at the oldest and angry at me for protecting him from her. So again, I don't know if I'm just being hyper sensitive because of how things were in the past.

And lastly: What was the final straw for you before you decided to end your marriage?

I *truly* love my wife. I enjoy her company. We laugh and cry together, and I think we have a really good family. The kids are generally happy and she has fun with them. She is going through therapy and trying. She is willing to see a sex therapist.BUT there is always this black streak through everything. When will she get mad? What did I do wrong? Did I do anything wrong? I feel alone with her, because of our basically non-existant sex life (though it happens sometimes, but its never carefree and just "good". I feel traumatized by the past, and afraid of the future. Afraid that I might be wasting my years.

I feel like I am generally trying to work with the questions i am asking. But often i "drop the ball" and sink into being axnious/depressed about everything. Sometimes i'm doing fine, other times I'm def. not.

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[teapay]

You have a lot of stuff in your post.  Sounds like you’ve made some progress on your own.
I went through something similar when my wife unraveled after our 4th and 5th kids were born.  She started slowly going downhill about our 6th year of marriage.  Before that she was pretty good.   We were both very religious too, although I’ve walked away from that.  After watching a supposed devout Christian unravel through BPD, I’ve come to look at the wonder working pow’r as being pretty impotent and that I’ve done much better for myself by ejecting that stuff and rely on myself.

 I’ve greatly improved my life and the environment of our home by doing a few things:

1.    I placed my health (physical, mental) first and foremost, then my kids and their environment and lastly my wife.  If I’m compromised, then I’m a less effective human being and father.

2.   I shored up myself of sense of self and used that stronger sense of self to be the compass of my life.  I use rational and common sense thought base on empirical reality in much the same way as other people who are successful at life.

3.   I came to the decision that if my marriage ended and my family dissolved I would be okay with it and somehow I’d figure it out if I had my head on straight.  Many have pulled the trigger on this, and while painful for awhile, it has ultimately turned out well for them.

4.   I started to implement and enforce boundaries.  This was a key to making things better for me and the family as a whole, but really not possible without doing #3, because the my BPD would like to push back to that point.  The BPD would blink and adapt behavior or blow up the marriage as typically happens if the non does cave.  Either way in the long run I’d be better of.  This has been a step by step project.

5.   Implement consequences and detach in response to bad behavior.  Validate, reconnect  and encourage in response to good behavior.
While my wife is still messed up, her behavior is much better than it was and is not a threat to the family right now.  I’m definitely happy now and feel much more in control of my life.  My kids are enjoying the stability.  I can’t say the marriage is much better though.  Ultimately, it might not be in the cards for us.  I don’t dwell too much in second guessing myself, my marriage, how it has turned out or bemoan it too much.  I did some thinking, some counseling, but that can be just a quagmire and I think productive, mindful or forward thinking a better place to put the mind.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Meeh-
I'd like to welcome you to our BPD community.  I'm sorry for the pain and sadness that brought you here, but very glad you found us.  You'll find some very good resources on this site to assist you in navigating through some of the daily difficulties of your relationship.  There is a good amount of information on establishing boundaries, and sticking to them, which will help you feel much better about yourself.  You can begin with some reading and some of the lessons you'll find on the right side of this page.  The information is really helpful.

Many people in our BPD family are or have been through scenarios that resemble your situation, so you'll find comfort in knowing that you're not alone with your feelings.  Sometimes people in "normal" relationships don't understand the enormous challenges we face, but your new friends here do understand.

I believe, as do many others, that yes, you likely may have developed PTSD as a result of some of the trauma you've endured in your marriage.  Please be sure to bring this up with your therapist so you can work through these issues.  Please have the confidence that you CAN recover from that.

Teapay makes some really strong points in his post.  I would pay close attention to those details.  It is so important for you to strengthen and care for yourSELF.  I do understand that we may tend to lose ourselves in these complex relationships.  But now that you know your wife's diagnosis, and as you better understand the tools for working on the relationship, you WILL be able to bring yourself and your needs more into focus.  You really DO need to place yourself first (along with the safety and wellbeing of your kids).  This will ultimately help your children SO much!

And as you regain your inner strength and heal your soul, you'll be better able to determine your best path for the future.

And the strict religion thing.  Yep... .religion can be healing, etc, but it can also create tremendous layers of guilt when it comes to a person experiencing physical pleasure.  There can be HUGE deeply imbedded impediments to allowing that guilt to lift - especially for a woman.  Hopefully your sex therapist has a solid grasp of how those deeply ingrained strict religious teachings translate into feelings about sexuality.  Plus, if your wife had any childhood sexual trauma, there may be additional layers of fear, etc. to peel off.  Could these be at play here?

To me, Meeh, you sound like a deeply loving husband and father.  Your sadness and call for help is so appropriate.  You'll find your healing.  Your heart is still beating, which means there's wonderful hope for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes