Coping isn't enough...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone, I have been posting on the Improving a Relationship board for a while.  I have read many books, so many that my therapist suggested I write a blog ... .  I have practiced the lessons and tools.  I have gotten better at validating... .I think I am a better friend and mom for it.  I have seriously tried to stop making things worse and would really like for our relationship to be better.


As for my relationship with my pwBPD, I am better able to cope with raging, blaming, black and white thinking and I think twice when responding so that I avoid JADEing.  Things return to "normal" much more quickly these days.  However, it is never easy and even if Knowing that I am not the cause doesn't keep me from feeling wounded.

I have been somewhat successful at strengthening my friendships outside of my marriage.  I do things with friends and family when my husband doesn't want to go along. 

Now the problem, I have spent over 30 years in this relationship and I can't see spending the rest of my life just getting by.  My husband knows something is wrong with his behavior, but refuses to get counseling.  It is easier to blame his problems on me.  He seems to be getting worse since he retired. 

He is a master at the double bind.  Just one example - he is so angry that I didn't have a retirement party for him.  When I brought up the subject of a party he said
Not right now, but wouldn't say when.  I suggested a special dinner out as a couple, or a family get together, or a party with friends at a local place but he said no to all.  Of course, a surprise party is always out of the question, I shudder to think what his response would be to a surprise.  Then he suggested a vacation as a celebration might be nice, but he refused to participate in any planning whatsoever for the trip.  I shouldn't have gone through with it under those circumstances because it was a set up for failure.  Nothing about the trip pleased him and he called me names, threw things at me, and even spit on me.  Such that I parted ways with him mid vacation and caught a bus back to our departure city.  Then he was angry with me because I selfishly left him to do all the return driving and turning in of the rental car.  Now a year later, he is still angry that I refused to acknowledge his work contributions and did not arrange a proper celebration.  In short, regardless of what I do, he feels unappreciated.  I realize that this is probably a result of being raised in an abusive environment, but I can't absorb those feelings any longer.

I don't think our marriage has been a failure.  We have a lovely daughter.  We have had many nice shared memories.  We have survived some tough times together.

I'm just ready to let go.  It's hard even when you know that you should.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello everyone, I have been posting on the Improving a Relationship board for a while.  I have read many books, so many that my therapist suggested I write a blog ... .  I have practiced the lessons and tools.  I have gotten better at validating... .I think I am a better friend and mom for it.  I have seriously tried to stop making things worse and would really like for our relationship to be better.


As for my relationship with my pwBPD, I am better able to cope with raging, blaming, black and white thinking and I think twice when responding so that I avoid JADEing.  Things return to "normal" much more quickly these days.  However, it is never easy and even if Knowing that I am not the cause doesn't keep me from feeling wounded.

I have been somewhat successful at strengthening my friendships outside of my marriage.  I do things with friends and family when my husband doesn't want to go along. 

Now the problem, I have spent over 30 years in this relationship and I can't see spending the rest of my life just getting by.  My husband knows something is wrong with his behavior, but refuses to get counseling.  It is easier to blame his problems on me.  He seems to be getting worse since he retired. 

He is a master at the double bind.  Just one example - he is so angry that I didn't have a retirement party for him.  When I brought up the subject of a party he said
Not right now, but wouldn't say when.  I suggested a special dinner out as a couple, or a family get together, or a party with friends at a local place but he said no to all.  Of course, a surprise party is always out of the question, I shudder to think what his response would be to a surprise.  Then he suggested a vacation as a celebration might be nice, but he refused to participate in any planning whatsoever for the trip.  I shouldn't have gone through with it under those circumstances because it was a set up for failure.  Nothing about the trip pleased him and he called me names, threw things at me, and even spit on me.  Such that I parted ways with him mid vacation and caught a bus back to our departure city.  Then he was angry with me because I selfishly left him to do all the return driving and turning in of the rental car.  Now a year later, he is still angry that I refused to acknowledge his work contributions and did not arrange a proper celebration.  In short, regardless of what I do, he feels unappreciated.  I realize that this is probably a result of being raised in an abusive environment, but I can't absorb those feelings any longer.

I don't think our marriage has been a failure.  We have a lovely daughter.  We have had many nice shared memories.  We have survived some tough times together.

I'm just ready to let go.  It's hard even when you know that you should.

[See Rainbows]

Hi Betterway,

It sounds like you've done so much to help this relationship but you are realizing that you are not getting your needs met in return. And there is only so much you can take before you lose yourself completely. We all deserve someone who can meet our needs and make US happy too. And if he's not willing to treat his behavior or see a counselor, then you have to think about what you want your future to look like. 

I've been there myself and chose to separate from my husband. He didn't want to get help either. With me, I know the separation has helped him reflect more on himself. To the point that he is getting help now and doing more things for himself, as well as getting to know himself better too. He knows now he doesn't do well with planning things as it gives him anxiety. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who cannot plan. It doesn't make for a stable life. There were many other issues in my relationship where I know I cannot go back now. For instance, today I called him and just tried to be a sympathetic ear, but all I got in return was his rage at his life, the world, everything. I know that if I was still living with him, my whole weekend would be shot defending myself or trying to make him feel better. I had fallen into a caregiver role and lost myself due to that. To the point where I literally couldn't help him anymore because I also became depressed too with no one to help me. I'm trying to find a new path now and rediscover what makes me happy. Honestly, after being in a long relationship with a pwBPD, I don't have any desire to be in another relationship again . But really, I look back at the last 10 years and can't believe how fast they went. How much of that time I wasted when I could have been much happier by myself, or with someone else. Not that we didn't have happy times, we had many too, but the rages broke both of us down so much that we could no longer help each other. We all only have one life and I chose to find happiness again.

It's ok to be selfish and put yourself first now. And who knows, maybe more space for both of you will help improve the relationship. Hope that gives you some insight from someone who already separated. It's a very very tough decision but if you feel you've done all you could, you probably have. It's up to him to take actions for his life, and his unhappiness, instead of blaming them on you. Hugs 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi See Rainbows, thank you so much for responding.  I feel as if you have thrown me a lifeline.  I don't talk to my friends much about the problems in my relationship.  I want to enjoy my time with them and most are mutual friends and it feels like gossiping to talk about our problems.  So my only outlets are therapy which I go to about every three weeks or once a month, and this forum.

I understand what you mean about not going back.  Once you learn certain things, you can't just ignore the lessons and return.  I think that is a good thing, but difficult, as well.

I have lost much of myself and I am trying to get out and do things that I enjoy which means I am doing a lot of things alone. It feels lonely at times, but it's ok and I feel I am growing personally.  

I am trying not to get sucked into another cycle.  The push and pull has been a hallmark of our relationship and is a difficult pattern to break.  When he is nice, it is hard not to just settle back into the relationship.  Although, the closeness of short and the push away is always lurking.

I am grateful for so much in my life, and I am trying to stay focused on the positive.

Thanks so much for the validation and for your insight!  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mustbe, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  A BPD r/s, in my experience, often involves Lose/Lose propositions.  Even though I'm divorced from my BPD Ex, I continue to go through No-Win situations w/her in terms of our kids.  If I reach out to our boys, I'm allegedly harassing them; If I don't reach out to them, I'm allegedly abandoning them.  No matter what I do, my actions will be criticized.  It's often damned if you do; damned if you don't.  It's easy to get worn out and to lose yourself in a BPD marriage, so I suggest you be careful about your needs by paying attention to your limitations.  I reached a point where there was nothing left in the tank, which was not fun.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi LuckyJim, it is good to hear from you.  I always appreciate your support and advice.

Those no win situations with your kids must be really tough to navigate.  I am sorry you have to go through that.  Hold on to your truth.

I am trying to live authentically from moment to moment.  I Am finding that it takes all of my resolve to keep my boundaries, to not be weak and accept treatment (name calling, accusations, etc.) that I know is not the best for me or what anyone deserves in a relationship.  Doing pretty well today. 

[Lucky Jim]

I am trying to live authentically from moment to moment.  I Am finding that it takes all of my resolve to keep my boundaries, to not be weak and accept treatment (name calling, accusations, etc.) that I know is not the best for me or what anyone deserves in a relationship.  Doing pretty well today. 

Great!  This sounds like progress to me.  Glad if you find some of my posts helpful.  LJ

[Mustbeabetterway]

I am still having a difficult time, but getting better at staying out of the drama triangle.  It is such a pattern in our relationship, but having been so close (enmeshed) it was not possible for me to recognize my role.  It's funny how after learning and thinking about these concepts something will suddenly become clear.

I become very uneasy (which I now recognize as anxiety) when my husband is upset or has a problem. In an attempt to get rid of the anxiousness, I would jump into action to fix the problem.  Many times he doesn't like my solution, he may become angry and yell, call me names, throw things, or otherwise intimidate, so I continue to try to come up with more solutions to try to calm him.  But of course, he doesn't know what he wants so it's impossible for me to please him.  When he is ungrateful I feel sad, angry or worse inept.  And on and on it goes.

Since I am more detached, I am able to look at situations more objectively.  I read that the person with the problem should be the one who decides what help is
needed.  I am trying to let his problems be his problems.  

Even though rationally I know that in order to stop living in this emotional turmoil, I must make different choices, it is difficult.  I have been telling my husband for several years that I don't want to continue living with the name calling - it is awful, and the raging.  I think of the good things he has done for me during our time together and I feel very sad for the loss of relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mustbe, Before jumping into action to fix a problem for your H, you might consider pausing.  What you describe is more like a nervous reaction to your own anxiety, whereas if you just decline to react, you might give yourself time to come up with an appropriate response.  Try to look at your situation mindfully, without the need to do anything, like watching a cloud in the sky.  When you are ready, then resume in a thoughtful way.  Does this make sense.  No, name calling is not OK and I view it as abusive.

LuckyJim

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi LuckyJim, I think you are exactly right.  I don't like conflict and want it resolved a.s.a.p.  I get anxious and react.  I have been trying not to jump in with solutions.  It is a hard habit to break.  The tension that hangs is difficult for me to sit with. 

Sometimes that means caretaking - doing things that my husband should do for himself.  Some of the time he expects me to fix things, but sometimes he doesn't even ask me to.

But, other times, jumping in to quiet my anxiety has meant tolerating, forgetting about, forgiving too soon, settling for less because I have put my need for the relationship to continue above my own personal needs. 

Today I have fought my impulses to save the relationship over myself.  I guess it is going to be one day at a time,

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Mustbe, Presumably you have had experiences in your past that involved caretaking, which is probably why you tend to jump in and fix things even when not asked.  If I had to guess, I would say it probably stems from something in your childhood, perhaps with a parent.  Sorry if this sounds like I am trying to psycho-analyze you.  What I'm getting at is that it can be worthwhile to figure out how one got in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place, when others would probably have run for the hills.  Once you understand the pattern, it's a lot easier to change it.

LJ

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi LuckyJim, I really appreciate you sticking with me on this.  Yes, I have given a lot of thought as to why I didn't run for the hills.  The biggest reason I believe is that we were both so young and it was the first love for both of us.  It was all uncharted territory.  So the only example was of our parents who both stayed married for life.  When strange things started happening in my marriage, I thought I should just handle it, deal with it whatever came up.

I think that attitude was instilled by my parents both kind, nose to the grindstone types with a stoic sense of duty.  I learned in church to forgive 70 x 7 and all the rest... .  I always wanted to help others - I am in a "helping" profession.

In the recent past, it struck me that the golden rule necessitates that we know how we want to be treated... you know treat people the way you want to be treated.  It finally occurred to me that a person has to know what being treated well is to them before they can treat others in a like manner.  What a revelation!

I'm continuing on this journey of self care and I have to admit that it has been a challenge to take care of myself and learn to think of my needs as a priority.  It's even difficult to type that in a way that doesn't sound selfish to me.

Take care, and thanks again!

[Lucky Jim]

I'm continuing on this journey of self care and I have to admit that it has been a challenge to take care of myself and learn to think of my needs as a priority.  It's even difficult to type that in a way that doesn't sound selfish to me.

Hi Mustbe, In my view, it's not selfish to take care of oneself and put one's needs first.  I'll go even further and say that, for me, it's the cornerstone of my recovery.  Like you, I'm in a helping profession and it took me a long time to come around to that view.  Now I think learning to love and accept oneself, just the way one is, is the starting point.

LJ 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi LJ, your honesty about your own struggles has inspired me and points a way to what is possible as far as recovery.  I believe that understanding my needs and doing what is necessary to meet my own needs will be the cornerstone of my recovery as well.  I regularly have to set my anxiety aside in order to recognize what I need to live authentically.  I feel good that I getting better at recognizing when anxiety has s standing in my way and learning strategies to dial the anxiety down. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Good morning,  to add to my previous post - in response to my strengthened boundaries, there has been no name calling or cursing toward me for about 10 days now. 

Another thing that is bothersome, off putting and makes me feel vulnerable is moodiness.  My husband has been in a better mood toward me, I attribute it to my relief at not being raged at.  I have been more affectionate with him because I feel happier (of course) when not being raged at. 

This morning, the tide turned a little.  I could feel it last night.  Several days ago I was trying to make an appointment for the dog to go to the vet for a checkup.  I was trying to get an afternoon appointment so I could take him after work.  My husband was in the background saying I can take him.  (He's retired - my husband, not the dog ). So I made a morning appointment and verified with hubby - all supposedly good.  Well, now he's feeling put upon (husband, not sure about dog, although he is generally upbeat

[Mustbeabetterway]

The last part of my post was left out, so I am adding -

I cope with the moodiness by being consistent.  For example, in the past, I would have responded to his not speaking to me by not texting to say i had gotten to work safely.  I generally do this and then don't text again until I am on my way home.  He wants to know I am at work and safe, so I comply with that.  Long ago before learning about BPD, I would have reacted by some craziness of my own, but thank goodness, I know better now.

Although I can cope with the moodiness, it still leaves me feeling out of sorts, I think this is ehe desired outcome.  How do the rest of you cope with the moodiness? 

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Mustbe,

Others may have their own strategies for coping with moodiness but I'm going to throw in my two cents.

The goal, I suggest, is to remain unaffected by your H's moodiness, which is his problem, not yours.  I suggest that you decline to own his moods; instead, let him be responsible for them.  You haven't done anything wrong and in my view there's no reason to feel guilty.  Let him be unhappy, without any need on your part to do something about it.  Does this make sense?

LuckyJim

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, LJ.  I appreciate your calming influence.  Yes, I agree.  His moods are his.  However, they still affect me.  I know this is a choice I am making by living with him. 

I am doing better at detaching and had actually been coming to grips with splitting up, but still find myself unable to break away.  So in the meantime, I am trying to get better at not getting caught up in the drama and living peacefully. 

Thanks again for your support.  It truly is helpful.

[See Rainbows]

Thanks, LJ.  I appreciate your calming influence.  Yes, I agree.  His moods are his.  However, they still affect me.  I know this is a choice I am making by living with him. 

I am doing better at detaching and had actually been coming to grips with splitting up, but still find myself unable to break away.  So in the meantime, I am trying to get better at not getting caught up in the drama and living peacefully. 

Thanks again for your support.  It truly is helpful.

Hi Mustbe - I've been away and just read through the replies here. How are you doing now?

I also am in a helping profession like both of you and believe it lends to me taking on that caregiving role. And the whole thought of staying in a marriage no matter is something I can relate to as well. Still working with my pwBPD, experienced another rage episode last night. How have you been faring recently? What have you found helpful?

~Rainbows

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi ~Rainbows,

I am actually doing better.  I have stopped responding to every little thing my uBPDh says or does.  I listened to Lucky Jim’s advice and have been trying to not let his moods wreak havoc on my moods.  In Stop caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist... .by Margalis Fjelstad, she talks about hyper vigilance and how anticipating your pwBPD’s next move is exhausting.  So taking a step back and not being so tuned in has helped.

Actually, probably another good topic would be about how attending, anticipating, or reacting to every mood shift becomes a habit. I, and others with my personality type,  measure my words, interactions and reactions carefully.  So we take seriously every word or action from others, especially our significant other.  I have tried to take a step back and realize that he says things in the heat of the moment that he does not mean.  Instead I take into account his actions after he has cooled down.    Usually, he buys flowers, a card or makes my lunch or some other nice thing.  It’s been tricky shifting my thinking, but I think it’s a better approach.

Sorry you are having troubles.  I read your other post about the driving.  I have experienced similar incidents.  Scary!

Hope you are having a  better day!  Mustbe

[Enabler]

[quote author=Mustbeabetterway link=topic=312819.msg12891265#msg12891265 date=1502165172
The biggest reason I believe is that we were both so young and it was the first love for both of us.  It was all uncharted territory.  So the only example was of our parents who both stayed married for life.  When strange things started happening in my marriage, I thought I should just handle it, deal with it whatever came up.

I think that attitude was instilled by my parents both kind, nose to the grindstone types with a stoic sense of duty.  I learned in church to forgive 70 x 7 and all the rest... .  I always wanted to help others - I am in a "helping" profession.

[/quote]

This huge lot resonates with me. Lots of codependency stuff talks about growing up with a BPD mother alki father or other such things where being a caretaker was necessary. I just grew up in a good Christian household where everyone was on the whole nice to each other, we all mucked in and my parents just worked at things. I met my wife when I was 18, to say I didn't know how to be treated well would be a lie, but at the same time I wasn't very experienced in the world of male/female relationships so tried to make it work. Did I know it wasn't right from the start... .hell yeah, but I thought that you just had to work at things. It's only now I realise that there's work... .and there's work. I never tolerated being abused and in fact that is why I'm now being accused of being abusove myself. I  reactive but I was being reactive to a person I believed to think the same way as me, not someone seeing life through a convex lens.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Enabler,  thanks for adding to this post.  What I meant about treating others as you would have them treat you is - I have spent so much time in my marriage trying to figure out what would make my partner happy.  I do this to a certain extent in other relationships, too.  I realized that I was going at it backward.  I’m would try to anticipate what would make him happy.  I often fell short.

First, I need to make myself happy and then treat other people the way I am treating myself or the way I should treat myself.  Instead of trying to read his mind or the situation, I try to act in an authentic way.  Trust myself to take actions that are motivated by a good heart (mine

[See Rainbows]

Hi Mustbe - Glad to hear things are going better. Thanks for the book mention on how to stop caretaking, I will definitely take a look at that. And you're right about trying not to see their actions through our lens, because we are built differently brain-wise, different life experiences, and therefore will react differently. I used to always get angry at the horrible words he used, because I would never call him names like that. Then he would turn it into a competition and say how I was better than him. But I came to realize it was said in anger and should just let it go. A past counselor once told me that having BPD is no excuse to treat people poorly. So that was always in the back of my head, not fully understanding it as many times my pwBPD was out of control as if he couldn't control his behavior. So now I don't place as much weight on that thought.

A book that I suggested to my pwBPD and that he ended up buying and reading, is called the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). My pwBPD is also highly sensitive to sounds, touch, textures, energy, vertigo, and an empath. And this book resonated with him. He said about 95% of the book he can relate to. It talks about how his brain is built differently and how people have always made him feel like he didn't fit in. I plan to read it too to help me understand him better. Check it out if you haven't already: https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1512107156&sr=1-1&keywords=highly+sensitive+person

[Cat Familiar]

Great discussion here. I was in a marriage to a BPDh who was physically, emotionally, financially abusive. It took me many years to get past the wishful thinking that he'd see the error in his ways and change. Finally I got out.

Now I'm married to a mostly kind BPDh, but nevertheless the moodiness, black and white thinking, occasional insults such as "you think you're so perfect"--all still grate on me and don't contribute to a fulfilling relationship.

I, too, have found myself overly concerned with his depressed moods, his conflicts with others, his dissatisfaction with life in general. And I've tried to assist, fix, repair, innovate, change, help--all to no avail. In fact all my efforts have been counterproductive since he equates them with me thinking that I'm "better than" him. Or he's insulted because he's already thought of those options/solutions.

And like others have said, it occurred to me that all these efforts on my part were attempts to rid myself of unease and anxiety triggered by his moods. It is very similar to behavior I tried as a child to cheer my mother up: being the clown, tidying the house, organizing things, etc. At least with her, my attempts were mostly appreciated.

So recently I've had to let go of the idea that I'm being selfish by ignoring his moods. On the one hand, I feel marginally guilty (but it's getting better) but on the other hand, I feel such a sense of freedom that I'm not responsible for how he feels. Yes, I still get accused of "not caring" and sometimes I tell myself, "Yep, I really don't give a damn that he's making a mountain out of a molehill about some truly insignificant thing."

It's a journey, learning to step out of the codependent/caretaker role, but so ultimately rewarding.

[Lucky Jim]

And like others have said, it occurred to me that all these efforts on my part were attempts to rid myself of unease and anxiety triggered by his moods. It is very similar to behavior I tried as a child to cheer my mother up: being the clown, tidying the house, organizing things, etc. At least with her, my attempts were mostly appreciated.

Exactly, Cat.  How often we end up recreating patterns from childhood with our pwBPD.  My mother had a volcanic side and the rest of us (my Dad, my sister, my brother) would all be walking on eggshells when she blew her top.

I feel such a sense of freedom that I'm not responsible for how he feels.

So true, as well.  Took me a long time for this concept to sink in.  It certainly is liberating.  Once you grasp this idea it can be applied in many other contexts.

LuckyJim

[Red5]

Exactly, Cat.  How often we end up recreating patterns from childhood with our pwBPD.  My mother had a volcanic side and the rest of us (my Dad, my sister, my brother) would all be walking on eggshells when she blew her top.

So true, as well.  Took me a long time for this concept to sink in.  It certainly is liberating.  Once you grasp this idea it can be applied in many other contexts.

LuckyJim

In my r/s, I continue to learn more about my u/BPD wifes history clear back past her first marriage to her childhood... .and one “theme” is always present, she has always held others responsible for her neagative feelings and emotions... .and I have seen also the “re-write” of chapter after chapter of history, she is doing this in our marriage now, our latest “spat”/episode is particularly perplexing to me, as she is now giving me the treatment for apparently not coming home from work when she thought I should have, when in actuality the reason she is in the “funk” now is due to a negative (precieved) interaction with her [FOO] mother, and I am the one who is being held responsible for her “feelings”, but I know that I am not, I am just the one who is closest to her to project on... .this is extremely exhausting, and it does not make any “sense” in the real world of legitimate thought processes.

[See Rainbows]

I, too, have found myself overly concerned with his depressed moods, his conflicts with others, his dissatisfaction with life in general. And I've tried to assist, fix, repair, innovate, change, help--all to no avail. In fact all my efforts have been counterproductive since he equates them with me thinking that I'm "better than" him. Or he's insulted because he's already thought of those options/solutions.

And like others have said, it occurred to me that all these efforts on my part were attempts to rid myself of unease and anxiety triggered by his moods. It is very similar to behavior I tried as a child to cheer my mother up: being the clown, tidying the house, organizing things, etc. At least with her, my attempts were mostly appreciated.

So recently I've had to let go of the idea that I'm being selfish by ignoring his moods. On the one hand, I feel marginally guilty (but it's getting better) but on the other hand, I feel such a sense of freedom that I'm not responsible for how he feels. Yes, I still get accused of "not caring" and sometimes I tell myself, "Yep, I really don't give a damn that he's making a mountain out of a molehill about some truly insignificant thing."

It's a journey, learning to step out of the codependent/caretaker role, but so ultimately rewarding.

Wow this is like a mirror of my life! Thank you Cat, you summed that up very well. I still need to work on this more, I used to drop everything to help him, otherwise I couldn't concentrate on my own life. And I wasted so much time doing it because often it would turn more dramatic and out of control. Thanks for your insight 

[AskingWhy]

Several posters commented about the "repetition compulsion" in relationships with pwBPD.   More often than not a parent with a PD sets up the stage for an adult to seek out the same unhealthy dynamic.

I know for certain my uBPD/uNPD H has a FOO full of unhealthy relationships.  uNPD FIL is like a toddler in an old man's body.  MIL was enabler.  Now that she is gone FIL has lost his NPD feed.   He is cast adrift and has no one to abuse.

In his heart, H knows there is something wrong in his FOO but is still in denial about almost all of it.   When H splits he is in total denial.  

I am coping now and my best strategy is to disengage when H dysregulates and starts raging.  I calmly state I won't be pulled into a fight in spite of the hints at divorce and name-calling.  I call him out on his bluffs.  (He dysregulated a few days before Thanksgiving and threated to cancel the holiday dinner.  I said, ":)o what you need to do." 

After the SET response, I leave the room.  This defuses the situation most of the time and H will calm down in an hour or so.  Sulking is better than raging.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Well, here we are in a new year.  As I said in the first post, the coping strategies I have learned and have gotten better at applying have made life more pleasant over all. 

As I also said earlier, I am trying to live more authentically.  To that end, I do care about my husband and have much invested in our relationship.  I made a commitment to myself to strengthen my connection with him.  I had a plan and worked that plan, and our relationship did become closer. During that time, I also reached out to my friends, coworkers, family to strengthen those connections. 

Also, as earlier stated, my uBPDh has trust issues and tells me over and over that he just doesn't trust me.  His frustration level is low and if things don't go his way, he yells, cusses and calls me names.  I can "take my ears somewhere else", but still feel devalued.  I know I am not the cause of his distress, I am not the names he calls me... .however, it is just something I don't want in my life.

I am gradually packing up my things... .

[Cat Familiar]

I'm sorry to hear that you've come to the end of your rope, Mustbeabetterway. However, you've tried your best and the end result is that he hasn't. Some relationships are just not meant to be salvaged.   

I'm thinking of Little Big Town's song, "Better Man" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph9NQ8ASmX4

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it... .

I know I’m probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could change his mind
At any given minute
And it’s always on your terms
I’m hanging on every careless word
Hoping it might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning
But your jealousy, I can hear it now
You’re talking down to me like I’ll always be around
You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun
Boy, you never thought I’d run... .

I hold onto this pride because these days it’s all I have
And I gave you my best and we both know you can’t say that
You can’t say that
I wish you were a better man
I wonder what we would’ve become
If you were a better man
We might still be in love
If you were a better man
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better man

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, Cat.  Obviously, I am conflicted.  For now, I am going to continue working on myself, taking care of myself and being the person I think I am meant to be.  Like you, I am affected by my husband's moods, but also like you, I am struggling to be less affected.  We actually had a very constructive talk.  Because I am not trying to fix his moods or be responsible for his relationships with friends, family, he has felt as if he isn't important to me.  In short, he feels abandoned.  He has been lashing out... .he has agreed to tell me what is bothering him, and what he needs instead of lashing out.  I know we can work on that. 


Coping is not enough, but I am changing and living more authentically.  I have realized so much about myself and especially the way I deal with conflict, or avoid conflict, and how I communicate or do not communicate with others, and how I react to my own anxiety.  See Rainbows, I could possibly be a highly sensitive person myself.  I will check out the book.  Thanks for the recommendation. 

Asking Why, disengagement was one of the first tools I used successfully to protect myself from raging.  But, I sometimes have become too detached and that really made connection during smoother times more difficult.  It seems a fine line,   between enough detachment to not be present for raging and enough connection to salvage the good parts of the relationship.  Do you know what I mean? 

We each have only one life to live and that is our own. 

Love, peace and many blessings for the new year to each of you.