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Author Topic: I think the friendship is really over this time  (Read 892 times)
SummerStorm
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« on: July 29, 2017, 08:19:00 PM »

It's been two weeks since my BPD friend blocked me, and I really think the friendship is over this time. 

How do I feel?  Angry, upset, frustrated.  I didn't even get a goodbye or a "Please don't contact me again."  I was just blocked. 

I don't block people, other than weird people I don't know who try to friend me.  I guess that's the big thing to do now, not just for pwBPD, but for society at large.  Just tonight, I met up with a group to play Pokémon Go, and the one guy was talking about how a friend blocked him.  So, I just don't understand this concept at all.  It's so foreign to me.

I wish we could have a mature conversation and mutually decide that we shouldn't be friends or even agree to be friends but also agree that we both need to work on some things.  Whenever we get close to that point, it just turns into a conversation about how she's better and how everything is my fault.

I'm just really frustrated because I thought maybe we were past the blocking.  It's been almost two years since she last blocked me.  We've had disagreements since then, but we were able to resolve them fairly quickly.   
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2017, 10:22:26 AM »

It's probably only over if you decide it is.

Based on your last conversation, sounds like the blocking is a dysfunctional effort to secure some space btwn you as you got very close. It sounds like that scared her.  Who knows what she is telling herself at a conscious level to explain it.

Sounds like she has a degree of awareness about what happens but no skills to avoid it.

You have to decide whether it works for you to be open and close to someone who reacts likes this. Seems like you can safely assume she will continue to cycle in this way through pushing and pulling.
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« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2017, 06:34:28 PM »

Summer storm,
     She's been doing this for years, what makes you think this will be different? It's not possible to have a mutually rewarding friendship with a BPD, it's always none sided and on their side it's all about them and their needs.

You sound like a wonderful gal with a good heart, compassionate and kind. If I recall, you dated your friend previously.

From experience, my ex who ghosted me over two years ago keeps some exes in rotation as friends. She only contacts them when she needs to a) make someone else (a new amore) jealous 2) has no one because she's pissed everyone off or 3) wants to toy with someone-push pull. Whether she does this intentionally or not, it sucks and these people keep going back for the punishment. As soon as she finds another source she says the most vile things about these people and makes them out to be horrible when all they were trying to do is save her.

Newsflash: Save yourself. You will never be able to help, fix or save her. She has been this way her whole life and is a survivor. She will survive without anyone's protection.

Why continue to sign on for this abuse? How is this benefitting your life?

I'm playing the devils advocate here.  

It sucks to have a friend who cuts you off and isn't there when YOU need them. Then again is that really a friend? Not the last time I looked in the dictionary.

Cut yourself off from her drama and witnessing all the crap she does to others. It's happened to you, and it's happened to them.

You deserve a friend who is reciprocal. In the end she will respect you for walking away and not taking her shyt. You'll be that person.  
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2017, 08:51:29 AM »

Sorry I never got back to this post.  I've been hiking a lot, and I go back to work soon, so I've been getting ready for the upcoming school year.  It's been a month since I was painted black, and I really  do think it's over this time.  Two weeks ago, I mailed her a card, wishing her the best.  I told her I hope she finds what she's looking for in life and told her to take care of herself.  It's possible she threw it away without opening it or that she read it and told people how crazy I am or even that she threw it in a drawer and will read it a year from now.  I have no idea.  All I know is that I at least made an attempt to end things cordially and maturely.  If she can't do the same, that's not my problem to deal with.

I contacted her mom about it, and she also seems pretty convinced that I won't hear from her again.  Other than actual mail, the only way she can contact me is by texting me, and I have it set to send her texts to spam, which I rarely check. 

The good news is that there haven't been any calls from unknown numbers like there have been in the past.  I also deleted my Snapchat account, my Facebook account, and my Instagram account.  I still have Twitter, which I barely use, but we haven't been friends on there in over two years, and I doubt she remembers my username, since it's different from every other name I use.  I'm also not searchable by my real name. 

The next step is getting past the holidays, which is when she has unblocked me in the past.  She's back to dating the guy who broke up with her in May, so my big hope is that they stay together long enough and I stay painted black long enough for her to realize it's not worth it to contact me anymore. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
SummerStorm
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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2017, 09:02:42 AM »


Based on your last conversation, sounds like the blocking is a dysfunctional effort to secure some space btwn you as you got very close. It sounds like that scared her.  Who knows what she is telling herself at a conscious level to explain it.

I actually said something that triggered her abandonment fears, though I would imagine that the messages she sent me about loving me as a person and admitting how badly she's treated me also triggered engulfment fears.  I mean, the day after she sent that, she had completely switched back to being defensive. 

Generally speaking--and she's done this with her mom, her dad, her one ex whom I spoke to, and to me, so it's a clear pattern--she blocks people and/or gives them the silent treatment when they point out her bad behaviors, causing feelings of shame within her.  She's very much like a child who stomps her feet and slams her bedroom door and refuses dinner because she's been scolded and doesn't like being told she's wrong.  Last year, her mom commented on a meme she posted on Facebook that contained a drug reference and said, "Yeah, posts like this will really help you land that job promotion."  Her mom was immediately blocked on Facebook and on her phone.  The phone blocking was only a few weeks, but Facebook was almost two months.  A few years ago, her dad and stepmom were painted black when she was living with them and they told her she needed to clean up after herself.   She got mad, threw everything in her car, and lived in it for a few days, until her mom found somewhere for her to live.  After that, they were both painted black for months.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2017, 11:05:37 PM »

Summer Storm

I must say that you seem very sweet, trying to analyze why your friend is doing what she's doing. But have you ever stopped to think about yourself? How you feel? Weren't you hurt by the block? Why does her reason to block you even matter at this point? Abandonment or engulfment fears whatever it is, don't you have issues of your own that you can analyze and work on? I understand your friend is very important to you, and I understand friendship is amazing if it's a true friendship. But have you ever stopped to think how fulfilling was this relationship for your life? Has it move you forward? All these are questions to sit and journal about. Once you journal, you'll realize that the equation doesn't add up. You might also realize that she was brought into your life so that you could look more into yourself to see what you could do to care about yourself and your feelings as much as you care about what triggered her and why she blocked you. I think a lot of us here get majorly triggered when we get blocked, because we all have a abandonment fears even to a very small degree. I feel that this is human nature. All of us hate rejection, it's also part of human nature. But these are issues that we have to take care of within ourselves. That's a lot of work and energy to be consumed. If I were in your shoes, I would focus that energy within myself to deal with my own abandonment and rejection issues, and what I can do to make my life more fulfilling without her in it.
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2017, 06:57:33 AM »

I didn't post here for everyone's "look deep inside yourself" advice.  Yes, being blocked hurt.  Obviously, it did.  And I actually have learned a lot about myself and have grown from this friendship because, despite having BPD, she is my intellectual equal and has challenged, in an intelligent way, many previous notions I had about people, about philosophy, and about myself. 

I'm so tired of this whole "These people are worthless.  No contact forever!  I wish they would all go to an island and leave us alone" mentality that permeates these forums.  Maybe it's because I also taught a student who has BPD, but I don't see them as evil. 

I'm taking care of myself, so don't assume that I'm not.  I'm hiking, playing my guitar, re-reading Harry Potter, playing Pokémon Go and meeting lots of new people because of it, getting ready to go back to work, going to soccer games, and spending time with my parents, shopping and meeting up for dinner.  My town has its carnival next week, and I'm going to that.  Once the weather gets cooler, I'm planning to go to DC for a day, to check out some of the museums I've never seen.   I'm also looking into where I want to take more grad classes.  My life isn't consumed by my BPD friend, and I'm so tired of people thinking that it is because I posted something on here, trying to get insight into how her mind works. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
JaxDK
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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2017, 07:21:39 AM »

I didn't post here for everyone's "look deep inside yourself" advice.  Yes, being blocked hurt.  Obviously, it did.  And I actually have learned a lot about myself and have grown from this friendship because, despite having BPD, she is my intellectual equal and has challenged, in an intelligent way, many previous notions I had about people, about philosophy, and about myself. 

I'm so tired of this whole "These people are worthless.  No contact forever!  I wish they would all go to an island and leave us alone" mentality that permeates these forums.  Maybe it's because I also taught a student who has BPD, but I don't see them as evil. 

I'm taking care of myself, so don't assume that I'm not.  I'm hiking, playing my guitar, re-reading Harry Potter, playing Pokémon Go and meeting lots of new people because of it, getting ready to go back to work, going to soccer games, and spending time with my parents, shopping and meeting up for dinner.  My town has its carnival next week, and I'm going to that.  Once the weather gets cooler, I'm planning to go to DC for a day, to check out some of the museums I've never seen.   I'm also looking into where I want to take more grad classes.  My life isn't consumed by my BPD friend, and I'm so tired of people thinking that it is because I posted something on here, trying to get insight into how her mind works. 

I think most here see BPD as the evil and not the person, but it can be hard to separate the two since people are not the sum of their disorders nor should you look at a person as a diagnosis. Can they help it? Of course not, should you feel bad for them? Yes. It doesn't change the fact that BPD can and do ruin lives on both sides. it's near impossible to save a BPD from themselves but we can however save ourselves. That's not exactly the same a demonizing the person behind the disorder. You also have to realize this board is filled with people who has some serious scars. There is a natural reaction that comes with it. Empathy towards people with the disorder is a step in a healing process not everyone has reached yet.

First rule of healing is take care of yourself first the last is forgiveness. 'No contact' is a tool of taking care of yourself. Not to punish, hate or get revenge
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« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2017, 01:12:49 PM »

I didn't post here for everyone's "look deep inside yourself" advice... .

I'm so tired of this whole "These people are worthless.  No contact forever!  I wish they would all go to an island and leave us alone" mentality that permeates these forums.  Maybe it's because I also taught a student who has BPD, but I don't see them as evil... .

SummerStorm,

I'm sorry this advice is upsetting.

It's important to pick your board community carefully. I think Conflicted or Saving are more aligned with the type of support you are seeking today.

There are different types of support. We're all here to help each other.

Skip
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2017, 02:10:40 PM »

SummerStorm,

I'm sorry this advice is upsetting.

It's important to pick your board community carefully. I think Conflicted or Saving are more aligned with the type of support you are seeking today.

There are different types of support. We're all here to help each other.

Skip

The friendship is over, so Conflicted or Saving aren't appropriate. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2017, 03:05:06 PM »

it's too bad to sense disappointment with the comment, really. It wasn't meant as a personal attack.

A lot of BPDs are super intellectual. My ex is a PSYCHOLOGIST, and I am a doctor with a philosophy minor and we had the most intellectual and fascinating conversations about the universe and philosophy and watched documentaries, meditated together, laughed, painted... .Those relationships are hard to get out of for a reason. Most of us had amazing experiences with our BPDs, in fact, romantic ones involve sex which puts it at a whole another level, 100 times more difficult to detach from, because the sex is usually mind blowing. BPDs are fascinating charming people who have developed tools and activities and hobbies to integrate into people's hearts and minds so they can compensate for the empty hole inside. I never said "no contact forever". I believe there should be no contact until you are fully healed and not prone to further manipulation. I am not fully healed so I can't trust myself not to get manipulated by an intelligent, charming, lucid, funny and gorgeous human being like my ex, be it with BPD or not... .my emotional mind cannot tell the difference when I'm "under the influence". The issue isn't how amazing your conversations were, the issue is when they aren't "conscious" or "lucid" they can get very emotionally damaging. We are here to help you, so asking you to look within although sounds cliche but it's true.
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2017, 10:45:47 AM »

Sorry again for the lack of replies.  I'm trying to make the most of my last few days of summer break.

I do think that I could have handled the situation differently last month, but at the end of a day, a normal, healthy person wouldn't have blocked me and completely cut me out of his or her life without a word like she did.  That's not normal.  I know that it's a defense mechanism for her, but that doesn't make it right.  That being said, before the discard, I had noticed some changes in her, and that does make it hard for me to stop ruminating because I wonder if maybe I should have given her a chance.  Two years ago, she acted like she forgot that she had done anything wrong.  Last year, she told me to "get over it already."  Last month, she admitted that she had hurt me a lot and had said awful things and put me through, in her own words, "evil times."  She even told me that I should never blame myself and think that I did something wrong when she doesn't reply to me.  She told me she knows she's terrible at replying most of the time.  She actually put blame on herself, in a mature manner.  And yes, I know that I should pay attention to her actions and not her words, but that was a big step for her, to admit those things.  Still, she didn't actually apologize, and when I told her the next day that all I wanted for two years was an apology, she got belligerent and defensive.  I do think that I shouldn't have pushed her.  She admitted she had done terrible things and said that I deserve an apology every day for the rest of my life, and I should have just accepted that and let it go.
 
So, when I think about the changes I have seen in her, I do partly blame myself for what happened.  I do think she was trying to reach out to me and strengthen our friendship, but she doesn't necessarily have the skill set to do that effectively.  But if she were still the same person she was two years ago, I would absolutely have no problem walking away.  The problem is that she's not.  Not only has she kept the same job for two years, but she's gotten lots of promotions and has set goals for herself, in terms of what position she wants to have at the company by the time she's 30.  She loves her job, maybe almost too much because she works all the time, and so she dropped the drug use, the partying, the social media posts trashing ex-boyfriends, etc. 

It would just be nice to hear from her, even if she tells me that we just can't be friends and that we need to go our separate ways.  She did eventually do that two years ago, six weeks after discarding me, when she had plans to move across the country for a fresh start, but the move never happened.  So, she is capable of providing closure, when she wants to.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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