So confused...

[Veryconfuseduk32]

I've been through relationships and breakups before but this one has hurt me like no other. I met my now ex partner at work and something clicked really quickly. She's a lot younger than me (I'm 32 and she's 19) but we got on straight away. We started texting regularly then started regularly talking on the phone and we even met up once or twice. She also fawned over me non stop at work.

Initially this felt like a really good friendship but with a little bit of flirting too. It all changed in February this year after the flirting was ramped up a lot and she invited me to hers on the evening. We started kissing non stop and within a week we were together.

There were warning signs quite early on before learning of her condition. She had very few close friends, those she did have cycled between being her best friend one minute and worst enemy the next. Her best friend was a man older than me who had looked after her regularly from a young age but was married - his wife tried to cut off the friendship because of how intense it was. Which made his wife the worst person in the world to her. She was also incredibly secretive about the friends she did have, if she went on a night out it would be with a "few friends" or "a friend" but she'd never name them. She regularly texted her exs as well and often was in an argument with at least one or two people over text or facebook.

However when we got together it was amazing. I had gone through a horrible potracted breakup with my childs mum and it was difficult to imagine dating again. However we had so much fun together and it felt perfect. She would tell me how amazing I was, how she'd wanted to be with me since she first saw me but thought I'd never be interested. She also told me how she was so impressed that I had chosen not to sleep with her the first night we were together even though she wanted to and it proved I wasn't just about sex and proved she was right about me.

Things were amazing for a while but then a few things started to change. I became quite suspicious about the fact that her best friend was picking her up or going round at around midnight some nights and not telling his wife what he was doing - even changing my exs name in his phone to a mans name. She assured me there was nothing in it and they were just friends and that she was fighting for their friendship. In the end I let that go until I found that she had a page on dating site for them both looking for a female partner to "spice things up". When I confronted her about it she told me it was just a joke and became incredibly angry about it. But in the end she deleted the page and we moved on.

She then called me one night saying his wife had stopped them seeing each other and that she had attempted suicide. She then said she was going for a walk and would never come back. I went and found her - shed cut her arm a few times and looked in a bad way. She thanked me for being there.

I should have seen how things were going at this stage. Suddenly she was calling me non stop expecting me to be there for her every minute of every day. If I wasn't available or wanted to end a call she would get incredibly upset. This led to arguments that led to breakups and us getting back together. Three weeks running we had massive blowout arguments. The first one happened because i had to end a call to do some work, the second one because I was on the phone to my mum and the third because she found a girls facebook profile that she knew i had history with and saw that id liked a photo of hers. These arguments were horrible, shed become a different person - screaming, shouting, calling me names and telling me to go away. When I did she'd call me names for leaving and tell me I didnt care. After the third argument (beginning of June) I ended the relationship and told her we should go back to being friends. She took it badly, phoning non stop crying and then turning up at the door telling me shed took an overdose, that I was the last person she'd ever speak to and that I needed to say goodbye. I tried to get her in a taxi to the hospital but she refused, then she ran back home saying Id never see her again. She then phoned five minutes later crying and telling me she was in pain, I ended up getting her to the hospital and she had some tests done which were ok. I spent the whole night with her and the next day she cried again but agreed to stay friends.

The next few weeks were pretty good, we got on ok as friends (we went to the gym together) but she kept clinging onto me and trying to get me back to hers every time I tried to say bye. She went on and on about how she was devastated it was over and that she wanted me back but knew it couldn't happen. It took a couple of weeks but she managed to get me back into bed again, then she said she knew I didn't want her but she wanted to be friends with benefits. I was against it at first but she knew my weaknesses - and we were getting on better than ever. We started getting so close, she started telling me she loved me again and we seemed to be getting back together.

Then out of nowhere it changed after a week where wed spent every night together. One Saturday she was texting fine until the night when she stopped talking. I was confused and tried to phone her but she just said shed been busy. We then had a strange argument the next morning. We had plans on the sunday but half way through the day she told me she wanted to be alone because of the argument. I needed something Id left at hers when she agreed to drop off at the shop for me, which seemed strange as she lived in the road behind me and I always went to hers. I knew something was up so I did go round - but I wish I hadnt - she did invite me in but in her room I saw two cups of coffee and a mans watch on the side. When i confronted her about it she told me to leave. She then texted saying that she invited a friend round because she was feeling down. I took it badly and i did ring and knock on her door more than once. Her reaction was incredibly cold. She promised he wasnt staying over but when i phoned her the next morning she "accidentally" answered and I heard her talking to him. She swears that nothing happened and he only stayed because he was worried about her.

She went to the gym with me the next day but it was just so raw. She wouldnt tell me his name and she said that she didnt think we were getting back together. She said that she thought I was using her for sex (which I told her more than once wasnt the case). She was very funny about giving me my stuff back - even accusing me of harrassing her when I went for it back. She told me we should just be friends and got annoyed at me when I said I didnt think I could agree to that. Then said that I had clearly moved on when I said I would agree to it - and said she didnt know if she could be my friend. In the end after getting one word answers and angry replies to any conversation I blocked her on everything. She suddenly tried ringing from withheld numbers and we had a final conversation on Friday night. Suddenly i had used her, hurt her, broke up with her but that she was still willing to be my friend. Any jokes I made were met with anger and everything I did seemed to be wrong. In the end I said ok to end the conversation but have blocked withheld numbers so that she cannot get in touch with me because i cannot take the way she is treating me. I had let her use my amazon account on her fire stick but i deregistered that as it is linked to my bank card. The last message i have us telling me she finds it hilarious that i did that and that its pathetic.

I am more hurt than i can imagine by this. I have gone through horrible breakups but this has caused me even more pain because it makes so little sense. I have been off work diagnosed with depression and go back this week, but i cant help but be scared to see her and find out what she has said to people. I'm going no contact - apart from for work stuff - but i just fear the possible retaliation and I am going to find it so hard to see her.

My head is in a complete spin and I have never known a feeling like it. One day she adored me, the next day she despised me... .its such a strange feeling. I am starting to feel glad that its over, but it really does hurt.

(Ps - sorry for some of the punctuation, sending this on my phone!)

[Veryconfuseduk32]

I'm really struggling with the no contact, especially when I return to work. How is best to approach this?

[once removed]

hi Veryconfuseduk32 and

wow. i can imagine what a surreal and traumatic experience this has been for you and the kinds of questions it would leave you with. it sounds like things were pretty explosive, either in a good or bad way, without a lot of grey in between. its an awful lot to process, and while im sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, i am glad you found us. youre in great company with people who do understand.

the work situation is going to be pretty difficult. can you tell us more about it? do you work in the same room, same office, nearby? can you work different schedules?

in the meantime, a great place to start is with this article that addresses so many of the hardest parts about these breakups, and will provide you with some perspective about what youre going through, and ways to begin managing it: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

[Veryconfuseduk32]

Thank you.

We work in the same office but in different departments. We used to be sat right across from each other at one stage, but thankfully my team moved to a different part of the office a few months back. In terms of schedules, she will always work across the same hours that I do - I work 9-6 every week day, while she works different shifts across the week but will always be in the office when I am. We also often have similar lunch breaks - which makes things harder. It is also difficult because her department works with mine quite a lot and she used to come over to my desk a lot of the time to ask questions. Hopefully that will stop as I think it was often a reason to talk to me - but when we had arguments and broke up before she made excuses to come over as a way to get at me. Which is a concern.

It's also worse as she moved round the corner from me - so she often gets the same bus to/from work and she goes to the same gym I do. During previous breakups she would make any excuse to bump into me on the way to/from work or at the gym - hopefully she won't do that this time.

Another problem is that since the breakup I have started to reconcile with my previous ex who I have a child with. This is something which probably would have happened a few months ago had this relationship not happened. My worry is that this information seems to have got back to my BPDex who knows my exs name (she went right back through my Facebook history and pretty much knows the names of all of my family members when we first got together) and I do worry about her reaction to this. My hope is that it won't bother her, but I know how unpredictable she can be and do worry that she may decide to cause problems between us.

[once removed]

your best bet is going to be lying low. being busy and distracted if youre in proximity to each other.

if she does approach you, it of course depends on the nature of her approach, but generally you want to be boring, and non confrontational. if it happens at work and effects your performance, go to your higher ups. if shes friendly be polite and "just business".

i would recommend maybe finding another gym if temporarily until things cool off.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

That makes sense - although since everyone knows we were together and have broken up, I do think it's always going to feel awkward if and when she comes to talk to me. If she starts an argument at work then I will get a manager involved.

She has asked to be friends, but this is something I don't want to do. I was more than happy to have that friendship when we first broke up, but I've now seen a side of her which makes that almost impossible. One thing which really plays on my mind was when I went round to find that a man was there - after we'd spent the entire week together and slept together every night - was her shouting at the top of your voice "what's it to do with you, we're only friends now." Then telling me to shut up and go when I said that we'd been sleeping together all week. It's so clear that what she said was completely for the benefit of the man she was with.

I think that changing gyms might be a good idea, although it is typical that I signed up to a 12 month contract to that gym only 3 months ago! The gym was always her way of enticing me back into bed as well after the breakup, flirting with me during the gym class, flirting with me on the way home, then hugging me, not letting go and suggesting that I come back to hers. I should have always turned her down - and I did so many times - but in the end it was so hard to do so. I do worry that going to the same gym may cause her to either get angry at me and start an argument, or to try it on with me since she knows I may be reconciling with my childs mum.

[once removed]

you can keep your contract, just find a free gym you can use for a while, if it will help both your circumstances and recovery. what do you think?

[Veryconfuseduk32]

I'll have to look for one but I don't think there are many others which I can get to easily around my work schedule. I may have to just stop going to the classes and just go to work out early on the morning (she always goes to the classes or goes in the evening). It may be a good idea even if she doesn't go to the classes since going to the classes kind of reminds me of her now as we've always gone together - arrghh!

[once removed]

i think changing up the schedule like youre suggesting is a good alternative.

i also forgot to ask, have you considered seeing a therapist to help you process what youve been through? its highly recommended around here, and you can get maximum benefit from support here in conjunction with a good therapist.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

I have started on some kind of therapy and I have started on antidepressants. The end of this relationship dragged up awful memories from a previous relationship that ended about 7 years ago. I think that particular ex had a lot of traits of BPD - in fact, I think a lot of their similarities are what attracted me to my BPDex. I'd never really got over that particular relationship and had never really faced up to the hurt of the way it ended. I had actually told BPDex about the way that relationship ended and how much it hurt me. While I don't think it was on purpose, she almost dragged out the final day (me finding out that she had another man round) in the exact same way my ex from years ago did. Almost word for word in some of the things she said.

So that had a very big impact on me - I felt the hurt from this relationship as well as the underlying pain from my previous relationship which I had never dealt with. This led me to a pretty dark place, but I went to get some help and I have started some therapy which I am hoping will help. I do think that part of the pain from this relationship is the way that I have linked it to the pain from the previous relationship - as well as the intensity of everything that happened.

[once removed]

i think youll find that many members here make lots of connections regarding previous relationships, some even make connections as far back as childhood, that play into why the pain can feel insurmountable. i had a few exes that ended badly, in very similar ways, and i too had a relationship before my uBPDex that i hadnt quite emotionally resolved, so i can relate.

this is usually a route to go down later in recovery, when things arent quite as raw, but if youre feeling up to it, you can read some of the threads on the Learning from the wounds board, maybe post some of your own when youre ready.

its all good and courageous work youre doing. keep it up. youll get through this, and we will help every step of the way.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

Struggling with this first day back. I havent contacted her since friday and she hasnt tried (as far as i know, ive blocked all forms of communication). I get back in today and she came to ask me a question about 2 anf half hours into the shift. That isnt unusual but shes dressed up and full makeup (something she never does on her early shifts as she always gets up late) and the question was not one she needed to ask (all of the details she was asking for were on the screen). I told her what she needed to know and she looked a little upset. But I just don't get why she did that - she didnt need me to answer the question and she didnt try to talk about anything else.

Its also pretty awkward as her friends have given me funny looks and made comments when ive been around. So who knows what theyve been told. She also knows that i am in the process of reconciling with my ex but we havent spoke about it - which makes it awkward.

Not sure what to do.

[once removed]

you got the first day out of the way. check that one off, pat yourself on the back.

its difficult to know what motivated the question. its possible she was alleviating the awkwardness she felt. its possible she was testing the waters, seeing what things are going to be like now.

in any event, you did fine.

Not sure what to do.

what are you anticipating?

[Veryconfuseduk32]

The day hasn't finished yet! She's looked across at me a few times when I've walked through her department. It's difficult not to talk to her when that's what I've done at work every day for a long time.

I don't know. I don't feel like she actually hates me or has "painted me black". I feel like it's a good idea to clear the air, but I just don't know how that would go.

[once removed]

I feel like it's a good idea to clear the air, but I just don't know how that would go.

i agree VCUK, i would set that aside for now. i suggest getting through the first few days and getting a better feel and sense for things, the dynamic, whats to come (if anything). right now i recommend "just business" mode.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

Her actions have been more strange as the day has gone on. I caught her looking at me whenever I walk over her side of the office and she made a phone call to my desk to ask if someone from her team could come and talk to me (something she's never done before and is not part of her job). I have had to raise that with a manager but I'm confused about her motives.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

She's gone home now thankfully. But that was a difficult day. I don't really know what to think of her actions and it made the day very awkward. I've tried not to pay much attention and kept everything business but it's not been easy.

[once removed]

what happened with the call to your desk and the manager? i didnt quite follow that part.

you did great. it may be a messy week. keep playing it exactly as you have.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

She works on customer services and I work on (well, am) the complaints team. I gave her my desk number weeks ago for her to put a customer through. She kept it and rang, often, to ask questions about customers because she kept getting in trouble for coming to my desk.

She rang today to ask if another member of the customer services team could come and ask me a question. There was no reason for her to do that - anyone from that team can ask me a question - and this person had been to ask me questions before. I just don't understand why she did that. It makes no sense.

I have had to inform my manager because I can't have her doing stuff like that all of the time.

[once removed]

from an outside perspective, it sounds like shes got poor boundaries and skills in a work environment. relatively harmless, but distracting for you and kind of a nuisance, so its appropriate to let a manager handle it. does this sound right?

[Veryconfuseduk32]

Absolutely, and it was one of the reasons that my team was moved originally when we were together. But my worry is that it is continuing (her finding excuses to talk to me) when it's over and she's actually said to leave her alone. I've blocked her on my phone and on all social media so she cannot speak to me any other way. I just cannot undersand her reasons for it or whether she will try other avenues if this one is closed off.

I hope not.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

Second day back at work is already difficult. She's come into work wearing a dress she knows I like her in (she rarely wore dresses to work till I said I liked her in them when we were together, then wore them all the time). She hasn't tried to speak to me today but she sent over two cases to my department (only I work on this department at the moment) one which she knows doesn't come to my department and one which had a missing piece of information I'd have to ask her about.

I don't think she's trying to get me to contact her. But for both of those things I'd usually ask the person for the information or tell them they needed to send it somewhere else. This time I managed to find the information myself and had a manager deal with the details which shouldn't have been sent to me.

I'm struggling already though as she has always been a huge part of my work-life, even before we got together. It just feels so different at work now I don't spend time with her anymore.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

Second day was difficult. She decided to come over to talk to me about a customer which was fine, but then she came back afterwards to discuss it when she didn't need to. After that she decided to make a comment about how I'd give feedback on her.

It was all fairly lighthearted and ok on the whole. I just don't understand why she did it. I'm definitely finding this week more difficult than I thought I would!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Veryconfuseduk,

I'd like to join OR in welcoming you to the site.  It's great that you found us.
 I know that work is a big stumbling block and will be making things difficult for you to detach.  Hang in there and stay true to yourself.  You seem to be handling things really well and keeping it professional, which is the best approach in my opinion.  Also, invest in your time outside of work to ensure that you are connecting with others and filling your time in positive ways, so that there is a healthy balance and plenty of other enriching activity to occupy your attention.  Try not to worry about her motivation for her behaviour.  Sometimes concerning ourselves about what others are thinking or feeling can detract from our own internal battles.  It's these that deserve our full attention, especially after a BPD r/s.

I'm interested to hear a little about the time prior to your r/s and the circumstances around which you found yourself beguiled by this woman.  

However when we got together it was amazing. I had gone through a horrible potracted breakup with my childs mum and it was difficult to imagine dating again. However we had so much fun together and it felt perfect... .

I was against it at first but she knew my weaknesses ... .

Would you be happy to share a little history here?  How soon after the breakup with your child's mother did you begin to get involved?  I ask because after a difficult ending to a r/s it can leave us feeling very depleted and with dents in our self esteem.  It had been 18 months after I split with my son's father and yet I was still feeling extremely damaged and vulnerable in myself due to narcissistic abuse from him.  I had very low self worth and this made me particularly susceptible (and desperate for) the lovebombing that I received from my exBPDbf.

I'm interested also to know what the weaknesses were that your ex identified within you which led you to recycle the r/s?  Are you clear on these yourself and would these be ongoing 'weaknesses' or only applicable to this r/s in your opinion?

I hope you'll continue posting on your journey and reading the fantastic info on the site, as I found this so very helpful in my own healing.  Stay strong and take good care of yourself.

Love and light x

[Veryconfuseduk32]

Thank you for your reply and I can answer those questions.

We had been living apart since January 2015 and had a very tough time for about a 2 years before then. We did attempt to get back together for about a year while living apart and split again in July 2016. So it was about 7 months before this new relationship started. I do think the attention/love bombing from my BPDex was something I really felt like I needed at that time after leaving a relationship which had been lacking in affection for quite some time.

I think she knew how much I loved the affection and closeness we had. Plus she knew how to make me feel good by telling me I was the best lover she ever had and how she couldn't help but come back for more. I think anyone is susceptable to that kind of ego boost!

[Veryconfuseduk32]

At day 3 of work and day 6 no/low contact and I'm finding it really hard. I just want to reach out and see how she is and talk to her again like we used to before we got together. I miss that friendship... .it's so hard!

[Harley Quinn]

At day 3 of work and day 6 no/low contact and I'm finding it really hard. I just want to reach out and see how she is and talk to her again like we used to before we got together. I miss that friendship... .it's so hard!

I can relate to that feeling.  Detaching from a BPD r/s is incredibly hard, as other members here will agree.  What I'd advise at times like this in the early stages is to remind yourself of the reasons why this would not be a healthy decision for you.  Sometimes we begin to only remember the good parts of the r/s and can forget about the difficulties and turmoil.  That's natural.  It's akin to beating a drug addiction.  There's a good article on this within the self help material to the right of the board. 

I do think the attention/love bombing from my BPDex was something I really felt like I needed at that time after leaving a relationship which had been lacking in affection for quite some time.

It's good that you recognise this.  Would you say that attention and affection are things that you have sought throughout your r/s history?  Sometimes the reasons we get into a r/s of this type can give us clues about ourselves. 

Have you also read the piece on how a BPD r/s evolves?  This was tremendously helpful for me in my own recovery as it allowed me to see that my r/s had gone in this exact way and underlined that although we do see glimpses of the lovebombing phase, once split black there really is no going back to that beginning stage.  This is something we can have difficulty accepting (myself included there and it kept me in a toxic r/s far longer than an emotionally healthy individual would have tolerated it).  Here's the link in case you've not yet come across this:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Finally, before you make any choice to reach out to your ex, I'd suggest considering what you would hope to achieve by doing this.  Be really honest with yourself.  What would you be seeking and is it something you could realistically expect from her?  This stuff is hard to listen to and hard to think about but we have to be real with ourselves and get to the root of our feelings if we are to hope to move forwards in positive ways, whatever they may be.

Love and light x

[once removed]

At day 3 of work and day 6 no/low contact and I'm finding it really hard. I just want to reach out and see how she is and talk to her again like we used to before we got together. I miss that friendship... .it's so hard!

when i was desperate to reach out to my ex, someone close to me reminded me that i was looking at it in kind of black and white terms, that its not as if i could never reach out again, i could reach out whenever i wanted, but now probably wasnt the time. that took some pressure off.

now probably isnt the time. theres no way to say how it might be taken by you or by her. put it aside, for now, let things cool down, see how they are in a couple of weeks. if ex couples are to be friends, it usually requires a period of space.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

I did... .and it probably was a mistake... .send her a text today saying it'd be good to chat because I wanted us to get on. She text back saying "I think we need to. X".

I think what I want is to have that friendship back at least on a superficial level. So at least we can chat at work and be ok at the gym. I think that's possible, espevially since I am moving on myself. But I can't be certain.

I think attention and affection probably are things I've looked for. Although not consciously. It was the worst thing during my breakup with my childs mum when that went. It's one of the main things I have alwayd said needs to come back if we are to make things work.

I did also read that piece on how a BPD r/s evolves and can see all of that in my relationship. I suppose I know that reaching out is a bad idea, but I just feel like I need to try.

[Veryconfuseduk32]

So yeah, I've told her I'll give her a phone call next time we're both free. Hopefully that can get rid of the awkwardness. I don't know.

What's got me really wondering is what my colleague at work said today. Apparently she never came over to our side of the office the two weeks I was off but then was over every day since I came back. You couldn't go a day without her coming over before I was off and now it's the same again. I cannot understand why that is... .so confused .