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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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« Reply #30 on: August 10, 2017, 01:14:47 PM »

I've told her I'll give her a phone call next time we're both free.

what are you planning on saying?
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« Reply #31 on: August 10, 2017, 01:25:33 PM »

The first thing I want to do is to apologise that she found out I had reconciled with my ex (childs mum) through people at work. It wasn't my intention for her to find out that way and I regret that happened. I then want to sort out getting on at least to the point of being able to get on ok at work and to go to the gym together.

I'm hurt with the way things went and the way they ended, but not to the point where I can't get on with her at all. She said last time that she wanted us to still "hang out" but I don't think that's wise, but going to the gym and chatting at work should hopefully be ok.
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« Reply #32 on: August 11, 2017, 12:31:36 AM »

I asked her if she was free to talk last night and she told me that she would talk at work. I replied to say that I'd rather not talk about that at work and I'd ring her on Monday. I said to have a nice evening and she said "you too". Then I wake up this morning to see two missed calls from withheld numbers at 3:45 in the morning. The only person who would call me from a withheld number and not leave a message at that time would be her. I'm going to stick to what I said, enjoy my weekend and talk to her on Monday.
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« Reply #33 on: August 11, 2017, 05:28:11 AM »

I'm wondering how to continue with this. As well as the two missed calls I found that my old number had a whatsapp on wednesday saying "why are you ignoring me?"

She was also at my desk first thing this morning to ask about a customer and someone commented that she was practically sat on me. I dont know what to do.
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« Reply #34 on: August 11, 2017, 07:38:37 AM »

Are you currently still in a reconciled r/s with your previous ex?  If so, the behaviour from the recent ex seems a little like she is seeking more than friendship.  I could be mistaken, but for someone at work to comment that she was practically sat on you and to be having early morning hours missed calls there are clearly still boundary violations going on here.  What are your thoughts? 

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« Reply #35 on: August 11, 2017, 08:05:12 AM »

Yes I am still in a relationship with my previous ex.

I don't know. She told me before that she didn't want to be in any relationship with me and I'm pretty certain she has a new boyfriend anyway! But her actions towards me are completely different to her words. She came over twice in about 10 minutes and ended up being told off by a manager because she had no reason to come over.

I feel as though she is acting exactly how she did before we got together, just without the regular texting. Her actions just don't seem to make much sense and don't match her words at all.
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« Reply #36 on: August 11, 2017, 09:11:37 AM »

Yes I am still in a relationship with my previous ex... .

... .I feel as though she is acting exactly how she did before we got together, just without the regular texting. Her actions just don't seem to make much sense and don't match her words at all.

From what you said earlier in the thread you'd like to maintain a friendship, go to the gym together etc.  Would this have an impact on your current r/s?  :)o you see the current r/s as something you wish to work on and maintain?  I'm not sure how many people would be entirely comfortable with their partner carrying on a close friendship and attending the gym with their recent ex, especially one as complex as yours.  Standing in your current partner's shoes I'd be feeling very uneasy, which could put a strain on your r/s.  I'm sure you've considered this.

If BPDex is behaving as she did when you were getting together, how does that make you feel?  

Love and light x
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« Reply #37 on: August 11, 2017, 09:44:55 AM »

I have considered this, but it would only be at the gym and at work. Two places she will be regardless of whether we're friends or not. Being friends would absolutely make things easier.

In terms of the way she is acting, it's difficult to say how I feel. To clarify, I mean before we got together - when we were friends. It went to being just friends to spending every night together in a matter of days so there wasn't much if a "getting together" period. I think I'm just confused because I don't know what it means. I would like to think that it means nothing other than she wants us to get on. But then I have people telling me she never came to our departmemt once while I was off, since then she's been over every day (3 times today) and then getting those phone calls at 4 in the morning. I really don't know what to think.

I'm looking forward to speaking to her on Monday and hopefully putting everything in place for us to simply be friends again.
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« Reply #38 on: August 11, 2017, 12:13:27 PM »

And this is where her actions are so confusing. I text her as a little joke "what did you do to make *manager* so upset?" And I get no response at all 3 hours later even though she is always on her phone!

There's no point in trying to have a friendship if she's not willing to actually try and be friends. I'll see her around and be nice to her but as far as I'm concened that is any attempt at a friendship over and done with. I may sound harsh but this is  the same "game playing" I was annoyed with during and after the relationship.
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« Reply #39 on: August 11, 2017, 12:30:03 PM »

im not sure where she would take that as a joke. i get that that was your intention, and i understand the two of you have your own unique interpersonal dynamics, but she may have felt cornered or embarrassed.

i think it will help to focus on her actions less. theyre just further confusing you.

just play this whole thing out smoothly. like you say, "see her around and be nice to her" for a few weeks. let nature take its course. this was a messy breakup, things dont go back to normal or baseline immediately.
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« Reply #40 on: August 11, 2017, 12:42:17 PM »

I know that she knows my sense of humour enough to know it's a joke and to understand what I was saying. There was no reason for her to come over and ask me that question and the manager made that clear - maybe that did cause some embarrasment. But that wasn't the point I was making.

I just don't get the way that she is going from coming to my desk non stop, texting asking why I was ignoring her, ringing on a withheld number at 4 in the morning to not even responding to my text. It's really annoying.
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« Reply #41 on: August 11, 2017, 01:02:27 PM »

it is annoying, and confusing. dont get lost in it. let them be annoying and confusing things; focus on problem solving and solutions as need be. it will make your path clearer.
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« Reply #42 on: August 12, 2017, 08:52:13 AM »

It is really difficult though. Less so the relationship side of things than the friendship we had. Her decision not to reply to that text has really bothered me. She is clearly playing games and I cannot understand why or what she thinks it will achieve.
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« Reply #43 on: August 12, 2017, 09:11:43 AM »

Hi Veryconfuseduk,

Can you tell us what specifically about the friendship you miss?  Are these things that you are unable to find elsewhere in your life with other relationships that you have?  What are your other social connections like in contrast? 

It's hard to lose someone we love, whether it be a partner, friend or family member and that leaves a gap in our lives that was previously filled.  Bearing in mind how difficult it appears to be to have what you seem to long for without everything that goes hand in hand with that at present, do you see it as worth it to pursue that friendship or is it something you feel able to let go of? 

It could be an idea to write down a list of pros and cons regards reviving the friendship you crave and be really honest with yourself about whether that is all you truly desire.  I've fallen foul to accepting less than I truly want in order to hold onto something or someone in whatever way I can.  Could this possibly be the case for you?  Just putting it out there.

Love and light x 
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« Reply #44 on: August 12, 2017, 09:12:34 AM »

the friendship you had is not going to come back over night. it may come back to what you had originally, it may come back to a good friendship, but different than what you had before, and it may not come back at all. its a tall order to remain friends after a breakup - it does happen, relatively often, but almost never without a period of space, soothing, and healing.

Her decision not to reply to that text has really bothered me.

do you think its because you miss your friendship?
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« Reply #45 on: August 12, 2017, 09:14:49 AM »

Yes I do. We used to text all the time even before we were together. I miss that more than anything when we were together.
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« Reply #46 on: August 12, 2017, 09:18:30 AM »

It is possible that the constant texting was actually part of the lovebombing phase for your ex.  This was leading up to you becoming closer and entering into a r/s.  Perhaps knowing that a recycle is not (?) something you would consider, that would change the dynamic here.  I know that feeling of closeness with another is very intoxicating and gives us such a boost to feel recognised for who we are, understood and appreciated.  Do you receive that sort of validation elsewhere in your life, on a lesser, more balanced scale?

Love and light x
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« Reply #47 on: August 12, 2017, 09:23:09 AM »

Yes I do. We used to text all the time even before we were together. I miss that more than anything when we were together.

i get this completely. i knew a gal who id talk to daily and at length, it got kind of romantic, and when that fizzled, we didnt speak. i missed it, and i took it very personally. remember, this is an awkward situation for her; for both of you.

it does go back to my point that for now, its probably best for the both of you that you not jump back into the previous dynamic. if it can happen again (sometimes these are things we have to mourn and grieve), its best to let it happen naturally and not force it. i went down that road.

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« Reply #48 on: August 12, 2017, 09:29:51 AM »

It's definitely not something I would consider, for a few reasons. I don't want to mess up the relationship I have moved in to and I really don't want to go through the pain of the arguments and breakups again.

Not really at the moment. I suppose that's one of the big reasons why she was so attractive to me.
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« Reply #49 on: August 12, 2017, 09:54:21 AM »

And I do get that. But being friends was originally her idea, it's what she said she wanted and what we agreed to. I took a small period of no/low contact to make sure my feelings would be ok with that. But the way she is acting now is not in line with anything she's said.

She acts like she wants to be around me at work but then acts uninterested whenever we text. I really don't understand it.

I'm focusing as much as I can on myself, but I just wish I knew where I stood here.
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« Reply #50 on: August 12, 2017, 11:07:16 AM »

A pwBPD's behaviour is reflective of how they are feeling in that moment.  Which changes a lot.  This is why behaviour can contradict the words and where an emotionally healthy person may make a decision like that and stick with it easily, it sounds like your ex has some conflicting emotions going on.  They may be in connection with your r/s, past or present, or be about something unrelated.  It's hard to know and unlikely this is going to be something you are able to figure out easily.  Unfortunately it goes with the territory, so as I prompted at earlier, is this something you're willing to accept or does it alter your desire to remain as friends now?

Love and light x
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« Reply #51 on: August 12, 2017, 11:08:49 AM »

We've spoke today and it's a difficult one. She pretty much made out like everything was entirely my fault. I cant really argue with the fact i got back with my ex quite quickly after the final breakup. But she then made out as though us continuing to sleep together was all me and I hurt her by doing it. She initiated every single time we had sex after the breakup - i wish i had stepped back from it but it was hard for me to do so.

Apparently i'm not the person she thought i was, I really hurt her and she's lost the trust she had for me. I feel as though she was trying to get me to argue with her because all of the things she was saying to me were things she'd done. Each time I tried to end the conversation when she'd say she couldn't be friends she'd just say "see that shows you don't care."

I've tried... .but it's tough to work out what is best for me.
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« Reply #52 on: August 12, 2017, 11:15:16 AM »

As an outsider looking in, I'd say that if you wish to continue your current r/s then a step back here is probably in order.  From what I'm hearing your ex is still wounded and attempting to force your hand a little.  She doesn't want to be friends yet wants you to care.  This suggests she may be hoping for a recycle of the more intimate r/s which would be unsurprising for a pwBPD.  Sounds like a good time to exercise some boundaries if you don't want to go back down the rabbit hole... .

Love and light x
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« Reply #53 on: August 12, 2017, 12:27:37 PM »

Yeah, it's tough but I suppose that's right. Her actions point towards that, which is such a shame.
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« Reply #54 on: August 13, 2017, 05:41:58 AM »

And she has actually said we can be friends but that it wont be like it was. Not sure what she means by that exactly but I just agreed to it.
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« Reply #55 on: August 13, 2017, 01:16:48 PM »

So she's readded me on Facebook today after we spoke yesterday. I've accepted it but I don't know if it was a good idea. There's a picture of me and my new girlfriend on Facebook and I don't know how she'll react to it - although she does know I'm with her. I also don't really know why she added me, the conversation yesterday didn't end on a great note. She's a very confusing person.
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« Reply #56 on: August 14, 2017, 04:19:11 AM »

Back to work again today. She doesn't start till later on which possibly makes it harder.

I'm not sure what to expect this week. She had a go at me on Saturday for getting with someone else so quickly (which was funny considering when I said "you did the same thing" she said "what we had has been over for weeks" and said I wasn't a good friend. She then added me on Facebook again a day later but hasn't spoken to me since.

I feel like I probably shouldn't have added her, but I did and just unfollowed her so that I can keep some distance from her. Now I just don't know what to expect next. I sent her a message this morning asking if she was going to the gym class later, which she hasn't read or replied to yet. I'm mainly asking so I can go to a different class if she is.

In many ways I wish we didn't work together as it would make things so much easier. I'm happy that I'm working things out with my ex, but on the other hand I did have such strong feelings for her and I didn't want it to be over. I'm feeling incredibly conflicted and can't work out how to completely let go of what we had (mainly the friendship) when I am going to see her every single day.
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« Reply #57 on: August 14, 2017, 07:13:01 AM »

She responded to my message saying "dont know" then again a bit later to say "are you going?" I said "probably" so she said "I wont bother then." And told me we need to talk before we go to the gym together (this is after telling me I can go with her whenever when we spoke on Saturday). I suggsested talking tonight but she said she was busy. I just told her I'd go to a different class but she said "no, you go. I don't want to make you change your plans.

I don't see what she is trying to do here, I wasn't going to go if she was anyway so I'm not bothered. But I really didn't think there was much left to talk about after Saturday - we said we were going to be friends and we said we'd go to the gym together. It seems like she just wants to cause more drama.

Edit - then when I walked through her side of the office she made a point of watching me with a weird half smile/half upset look. I'm really struggling with this... .
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« Reply #58 on: August 14, 2017, 07:27:41 AM »

It seems like she just wants to cause more drama.

shes confused and floundering, VCUK. dont overthink this.

pace this attempt at a friendship. it is a very fragile situation. i wouldnt expect consistency from someone who, right now, is feeling very conflicted, and sounds like they are experiencing not only nervousness and uncertainty, but self loathing.

i recommend doing your own thing at the gym, whether that means going to a different class, or going to whatever class you want to go to. if you see her, be polite, friendly, receptive.
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« Reply #59 on: August 17, 2017, 03:30:41 PM »

Staff only

Hello,

This thread has reached its posting limit, and is therefore locked. It has been continued in a new thread.

Thanks for your participation.
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