Why is this so hard?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I met this woman on Match. I asked her for coffee, and she agreed. I didn't know much about her, but I was interested. We met up and it was the most amazing first date ever. We closed down the coffee shop, then went to a local artist collective, then had a late dinner. Got her phone number, and the second date was set for the following evening. Again, everything went well. The evening went off without a hitch and we ended up kissing at the end. Cue the beginning of the most amazing month ever. We were inseparable.

I knew the relationship was moving incredibly fast, but it was so euphoric. I had never had a woman build me up the way she did. I learned quite a bit about her. She is a musician from Canada, has 14 albums, toured the US, UK, and Canada, worked with and toured with some of my favorite bands, needless to say that I thought she was incredible. And for a woman like that to fall for me? How could I stop it?

I also learned about the not so great things. I learned she was a foster kid, I saw the old scars on her arms covered by the tattoos. The stories of past relationships that were vague. The "I write my best songs after a break up" comment that should have been more of a red flag. After a few weeks, I had practically moved in (I still had my own place, but stayed at hers most nights), and she asked me to move in with her about a month after we started dating.

I saw the meds in her night stand that she said she needed to take nightly. Lithium, Lamictal, and Xanax (if she is having trouble sleeping). At the time, I was like "OK, so she is Bipolar. I can handle that." I am an incredibly supportive person. The week before our huge split, she wasn't taking them as well as she should, and she also likes to drink. We never discussed her mental issues at all, and I am regretting not having that discussion.

When the break happened, it came hard. One Saturday she jumped on my case for a minor issue, and told me how pissed she was, but we worked through it. Then Sunday came and everything was fine. We slept together that night, and she stopped me. I thought it was because sometimes she just cant continue for various physical reasons, no big deal. I started to feel sick (we drank a bunch that night) and I cursed to myself a few times thinking I needed to throw up. I finally got up and went outside, because her bathroom is attached to the bedroom and I thought she was asleep so I didn't want to wake her with the sound of my getting sick. After the nausea passed, I went to bed.

The next morning, I got up and went to work and she was still asleep. I sent her a text and got no response. Then I went over on my lunch break and she laid into me. She said I threw a tantrum for not being able to finish the night before and that she had never dealt with such childish behavior. I was stunned, I just kept reiterating how I never was upset with her, but she just kept coming. She said she needed time and space. A few days later she texted me to come get my stuff, that she can't do this. I went and when I told her what of hers I brought from my place, she chuckled. When I asked what was funny, she said "You sound so sad." I had no idea how to even respond.

A week later I left her a letter. During the first and second argument (the day of the "come get your stuff" text), I still had trouble recalling everything that happened that night. I have anxiety and ADHD, so arguments and panic inducing situations are pretty hard for me to manage sometimes. In the letter, I explained what happened that night on my end, that I got sick, etc. She texted me the next day accusing me of lying, of gaslighting (I admit I had to look that up when she said it), of trying to emotionally manipulate her, of being a horrible person and a monster. She said she wished she never met me, and then blocked me on everything. She got in my head and had me questioning everything. I signed up for therapy because she convinced me I was broken.

The therapist said that while she may very well be bipolar, she exhibited many symptoms of BPD, and the bipolar could be a misdiagnosis. I took a polygraph (not cheap, btw), just to prove I was not lying, and left her a second letter explaining how much I loved her and that I was not lying. I included the results. Never heard back. She has been back to online dating, but has not seemed to actually go on any dates. She is moving in with another lady and her daughter on a farm because she can't afford her place now.

I don't know if she will come back eventually (apparently so many do), and I don't know if I want her to. I have never felt so shattered and broken. I have dealt with breakups before, but the intense hatred she displayed towards me when all I was trying to do was be understanding, sincere, and work towards a resolution was like nothing I have ever faced. This shook me to my core. I know that the therapy will help, but at this point I am struggling not to obsess. I avoid the temptation to drive by, I try to stay off her social media. I ran into her one night and immediately feared she would think I was stalking her. I don't want to give her any more ammunition to use against me. However, I still love her. I still want her back, but I know I shouldn't because what she did was so awful, yet I keep blaming myself for it.

I just want to know how to even start piecing myself back together.

[bradt]

I met this woman on Match. I asked her for coffee, and she agreed. I didn't know much about her, but I was interested. We met up and it was the most amazing first date ever. We closed down the coffee shop, then went to a local artist collective, then had a late dinner. Got her phone number, and the second date was set for the following evening. Again, everything went well. The evening went off without a hitch and we ended up kissing at the end. Cue the beginning of the most amazing month ever. We were inseparable.

I knew the relationship was moving incredibly fast, but it was so euphoric. I had never had a woman build me up the way she did. I learned quite a bit about her. She is a musician from Canada, has 14 albums, toured the US, UK, and Canada, worked with and toured with some of my favorite bands, needless to say that I thought she was incredible. And for a woman like that to fall for me? How could I stop it?

I also learned about the not so great things. I learned she was a foster kid, I saw the old scars on her arms covered by the tattoos. The stories of past relationships that were vague. The "I write my best songs after a break up" comment that should have been more of a red flag. After a few weeks, I had practically moved in (I still had my own place, but stayed at hers most nights), and she asked me to move in with her about a month after we started dating.

I saw the meds in her night stand that she said she needed to take nightly. Lithium, Lamictal, and Xanax (if she is having trouble sleeping). At the time, I was like "OK, so she is Bipolar. I can handle that." I am an incredibly supportive person. The week before our huge split, she wasn't taking them as well as she should, and she also likes to drink. We never discussed her mental issues at all, and I am regretting not having that discussion.

When the break happened, it came hard. One Saturday she jumped on my case for a minor issue, and told me how pissed she was, but we worked through it. Then Sunday came and everything was fine. We slept together that night, and she stopped me. I thought it was because sometimes she just cant continue for various physical reasons, no big deal. I started to feel sick (we drank a bunch that night) and I cursed to myself a few times thinking I needed to throw up. I finally got up and went outside, because her bathroom is attached to the bedroom and I thought she was asleep so I didn't want to wake her with the sound of my getting sick. After the nausea passed, I went to bed.

The next morning, I got up and went to work and she was still asleep. I sent her a text and got no response. Then I went over on my lunch break and she laid into me. She said I threw a tantrum for not being able to finish the night before and that she had never dealt with such childish behavior. I was stunned, I just kept reiterating how I never was upset with her, but she just kept coming. She said she needed time and space. A few days later she texted me to come get my stuff, that she can't do this. I went and when I told her what of hers I brought from my place, she chuckled. When I asked what was funny, she said "You sound so sad." I had no idea how to even respond.

A week later I left her a letter. During the first and second argument (the day of the "come get your stuff" text), I still had trouble recalling everything that happened that night. I have anxiety and ADHD, so arguments and panic inducing situations are pretty hard for me to manage sometimes. In the letter, I explained what happened that night on my end, that I got sick, etc. She texted me the next day accusing me of lying, of gaslighting (I admit I had to look that up when she said it), of trying to emotionally manipulate her, of being a horrible person and a monster. She said she wished she never met me, and then blocked me on everything. She got in my head and had me questioning everything. I signed up for therapy because she convinced me I was broken.

The therapist said that while she may very well be bipolar, she exhibited many symptoms of BPD, and the bipolar could be a misdiagnosis. I took a polygraph (not cheap, btw), just to prove I was not lying, and left her a second letter explaining how much I loved her and that I was not lying. I included the results. Never heard back. She has been back to online dating, but has not seemed to actually go on any dates. She is moving in with another lady and her daughter on a farm because she can't afford her place now.

I don't know if she will come back eventually (apparently so many do), and I don't know if I want her to. I have never felt so shattered and broken. I have dealt with breakups before, but the intense hatred she displayed towards me when all I was trying to do was be understanding, sincere, and work towards a resolution was like nothing I have ever faced. This shook me to my core. I know that the therapy will help, but at this point I am struggling not to obsess. I avoid the temptation to drive by, I try to stay off her social media. I ran into her one night and immediately feared she would think I was stalking her. I don't want to give her any more ammunition to use against me. However, I still love her. I still want her back, but I know I shouldn't because what she did was so awful, yet I keep blaming myself for it.

I just want to know how to even start piecing myself back together.

[JaxDK]

It's hard because you were love bombed. A tactic used to make you bond to her as quickly as possible. You were effectively being brainwashed really. The honeymoon period with these type of personality disorders, seems like the best you will ever experience with another woman and it hurts when it ends. These types live for the honeymoon period and the euphoria it brings, making them feel alive

The good times are really good, and you want to get back to that stage because you think, that's the real her. When in truth, that's her false self. The true self or lack of self if you will, is the bad parts you experienced

It sounds cold but if you want to move on, it helps not seeing her as a person but a diagnosis. It's a inhumane way to deal with it but it is what it is.

De-programming and detaching yourself is going to be hard. You will have your good (lucid?) and bad days, where you just want her back. As time passes, those bad days will be less and less.

There are plenty of advice on this site that can help you get back to normality. Keep reading as much as you can for now.

[once removed]

hi bradt and

few things are more intoxicating than a whirlwind romance. few things more painful or traumatic than one that leaves us with so many unanswered questions that we desperately want answers and resolution to.

we understand. weve been there, and youve come to the right place to process and to heal.

its a great move to see a therapist and we highly recommend it. this support group is a great adjunct to therapy, so i encourage you to stick around, keep reading and posting.

i have found that this article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD is a great place to start. it speaks to so many of the questions and struggles we feel coming out of these relationships, and it has great advice: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

do you find that any of the 10 beliefs are giving you particular trouble? i struggled with several myself.

[bradt]

Thanks all.

once removed: Of the 10 beliefs, right now I would say 1,2,3,4,6,8,9. I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic, so these are the ones I am currently struggling with. My feelings for her are still strong, and I am constantly battling between my rational thought and my emotions. I know what happened to me can be pretty textbook for someone with BPD, and that it wasn't a matter of "if" but "when" something like this was going to happen. However, I am still pulled by the hooks she dug in me during the idealization. It really is like a drug, and even with my rational thought saying "stop it", I can't keep myself from thinking about all the things we did and said when it was all going so great. I try to rationalize irrational behavior, and it's an exercise in futility, but I still do it.

It doesn't help I'm a fixer. I always want to "fix" people, so that part of me is causing me to be more drawn as well. Even though I never seemed to have an issue before, this experience has raised concerns that maybe I have some codependency traits, and I want to explore that and if so try and resolve those issues.

A big part is that this is all just so complex. I'm pulled so many ways emotionally that it is just overwhelming at times. I'm really hoping therapy can help me untangle this knot so I can be happy again.

Reading a lot here has helped, seeing how people have dealt with their own struggles. It helps knowing that even though I feel crazy at times, that I am not the only one who has been dealt this hand and experienced the same issues.

[once removed]

I can't keep myself from thinking about all the things we did and said when it was all going so great. I try to rationalize irrational behavior, and it's an exercise in futility, but I still do it.

those were likely very special and significant moments to you. they will be difficult to mourn and to grieve. it also sounds like you are linking them to feelings of self blame, which is a real double whammy, and a struggle i know plenty of members can relate to.

right now, it may feel a bit like watching a movie like the sixth sense - playing it and replaying it to see what you missed. i found learning more about BPD answered a lot of my questions, and in some cases it gave me more questions. point being that ultimately, i reached the resolution that i was looking for. does your therapist have experience with relationships involving someone with BPD?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bradt, Don't beat yourself up!  Sure, a lot of us Nons are "fixers" by nature, which is why a BPD r/s can prove so compelling.  I would like to caution you about ruminating, because you are probably trying to come up with explanations for BPD behaviors that seem irrational and unreasonable.  I would suggest that BPD is a complex disorder, and those suffering from it often behave in paradoxical ways, which can be tough to wrap one's head around.  We get it and many of us have been in your shoes.

LuckyJim

[bradt]

I chose my therapist due to her experience with Bipolar, which my ex is medicated for. It was the therapist that brought up BPD, and after the research I have done it really does fit. I am hoping she has some experience that can help. She does deal a lot with relationships as well.

And as far as your analogy about it being like a movie, you are spot on. There is also still much self blaming. I keep thinking if I had just handled everything better, then it wouldn't have happened and we would still happily be together. I know that in a way it is a pipe dream and inevitably if it wasn't this, it would have been something else. It would have been much worse had this happened once I moved in.

The depression hit hard too. She spent so much time building herself up that when she left, it created a huge void that wasn't there before. I was pretty happy before her and I met, and I even went on our first date not really caring if it panned out or not. I just want to get back to that, being the happy I was before her.

[roberto516]

The depression hit hard too. She spent so much time building herself up that when she left, it created a huge void that wasn't there before. I was pretty happy before her and I met, and I even went on our first date not really caring if it panned out or not. I just want to get back to that, being the happy I was before her.

If it helps any this is me spot on. I was okay being alone. Actually happy. Pretty indifferent in the beginning. Just thought I'd help her as a friend get through her breakup. Encouraged her and helped her see her own inner strength throughout the relationship. Wasnt controlling with her like a past relationship. Well she was done and I had the void now. The tables really turned

[once removed]

hey bradt, hows it going today? is the cloud lifting any?

[bradt]

Honestly, it's hard to tell. I have better days and not so better days. Appetite is returning little by little (I lost a total of 15 pounds in the last few weeks), and sleep is coming a bit easier. I'm still pretty consumed by all the "What ifs" and with thoughts of how or if I can even reconcile. I have been NC since the 21st, and she hasn't tried to reach out, but it's still pretty early.

The initial support from friends has waned, mostly because they don't understand why I am taking this so hard. I can't even really explain it. One of the reasons, which I realized I left out in the first post, is that in our last "conversation" (which was after I left the letter and she went off on me) she told me she stopped the sex that last night we were together because "it started to feel like rape" and that my actions (the "tantrum" made her feel guilty and shamed for not enjoying it. I'm not sure if that is true, because she brought it up 2 weeks later, but that was a punch in the gut like no other. To be told that from the woman you love, I don't think I ever felt so low in my life. The timing and wording seemed like she intended to illicit some sort of reaction. Her excuse for telling me then was so that I could "talk to my therapist about my sexual development". When I asked why she didn't tell me sooner, she said it wouldn't have changed anything. When I told her that, yes, it would have because I never want her to feel that way, she said "If you had done this I would have done that, emotional manipulation 101". followed by her often used eye roll emoji. The whole conversation seemed designed to wound, and when I thought I was stabilizing things, more hatred would come out.

But, I'm doing the best I can. My next therapy appointment is Monday, and I have written down a number of things I want to discuss. Browsing through the message boards and reading the lessons has been a real eye opener. I see how some of my reactions weren't helping, and am now able to look back and notice what should have been warning signs. A part of me just can't wrap my head around how someone can go from so loving to so hateful. I know that dichotomous thinking is a core of what BPD is, but I have never really been around it and I always think it's about a balance, not all good or all bad. I still have quite a way to go, but I know I can get there eventually.

[once removed]

I have better days and not so better days.

i think you can count on some of this. recovery can be rocky. what you describe (appetite and sleep) are very good signs, though.

The initial support from friends has waned, mostly because they don't understand why I am taking this so hard. I can't even really explain it.

its hard when friends dont know what to say, or run out of things to say, or even just dont understand. its valuable that you had support in a time of need, though. you might begin to transition in terms of what you need from these friends. enjoy their company, but also enjoy them enjoying your company. this can help regain a positive sense of self, having loved ones mirror your best qualities, the reasons they love or like you. if you have friends who are still interested in supporting you emotionally, you might switch tactics there too. discuss more about, for example, what you are learning about yourself in therapy.

and as for the rest, lean on us and your therapist. we do get it. i took it harder at the time than many, and ill never forget what it was like climbing out.

"it started to feel like rape"

like you say, its very difficult to know where she was coming from with this, but it would be, as you describe, a huge punch in the gut from the person you love.

My next therapy appointment is Monday, and I have written down a number of things I want to discuss.

good plan. what sorts of things do you intend to discuss?

A part of me just can't wrap my head around how someone can go from so loving to so hateful.

i think one of the reasons its so difficult is that while we learn and are told "its not personal", its hard to think of anything that  could feel more personal. i do encourage you to keep learning, and working the lessons. you will reach, eventually, a certain understanding and acceptance, and begin to depersonalize what is so painful, which really helps to detach from the wounds.

[patientandclear]

Re the rape feelings and the allegation of emotional manipulation: this is what makes relating to some people with BPD so hard: their reactions literally make no sense in light of what you did. They DO make sense when you realize their expectations and fears formed with long-ago others who were manipulative, etc. Many pwBPD are also in their own Catch 22, where they do things to please others and gain closeness (sex is the most obvious example), then resentment builds around their feeling they have to do these things to keep your love and affection.

None of that is caused by or has anything to do with the reasonable way you were trying to manage small events of the present. Their reactions are way out of line with what you did. It's confusing as all get out. It's very hard to protect yourself against unfair behavior while not futilely trying to argue them out of their feelings. People who manage these dynamics long term validate the underlying emotion and let it roll off. They don't process the reactions at any length with the pwBPD and they know to expect it to continue. It still seems to take a toll on the trust and closeness available in the r/ship because there is a limit to how open anyone is going to be with someone they know is likely to hurt them again.

In short, what you encountered was her reacting to fears and experiences from before you that feel real to her; and reacting in ways that are very destructive of your relationship. Your actions did not cause this and opportunities for such misunderstandings are going to come up in any relationship. Her coping mechanisms for those moments are very destructive.

If you DO resume the relationship, head over to the improving board and study up on validation and not reacting defensively. It's hard! But when I had success with my ex wBPD, it was when he expected to be rejected for his behavior, but I listened to him about how he felt and how he didn't want to be treated, and affirmed that those feelings made sense. The fact that I wasn't actually doing the things he was afraid of was almost irrelevant at that point.

I should say that despite that i could often do that, his reactions were sometimes extreme and abrupt and so damaging that we couldn't stay in relationship. So I am not promoting that with skills it can all work out. I just know trying to do this without skills (including radical acceptance and boundaries) is utterly futile.

[bradt]

onceremoved: With my therapist, I want to discuss more about my reactions and how I could better handle emotional conflict. I need some good coping mechanisms to help deal with the panic and instant fear I get when an argument occurs with a significant other, because my past 2 relationships seem to have kind of conditioned me that any issue no matter how big or small can end it all. I need to find some way to calm that down so I can avoid unintentionally escalating. Also, thanks again for your inputs, they really help.

patientandclear: You said what I was thinking pretty much. I did try to validate her feelings, but I feel like my defensiveness just caused her to get angrier. I wonder if what happened triggered a memory from her past or something, and that would make so much sense given her reaction. Still, it sucks to be on the receiving end of something you are unaware of. I'm not going to lie, at this point I do want her back and I am learning as much as I can in case it happens, but I am not going to put my recovery on hold because of the possibility she may come back. I also know that even with the best tools in the toolbox, some things just cannot be fixed. If there is a round 2 I want to be better prepared and equipped so if it falls apart again I can come out the other side less wounded and more aware of what happened.

[Recovering1]

I'm proud of you Bradt ... .keep moving forward, going to therapy... .it helps... .it helps me that's for sure... .one thing I am learning is that you can't find logic in illogical behavior... .it will drive you crazy trying to analyze it... .just know IT'S NOT YOU, they think differently, they look at things differently... .I hate to say it but the best thing is for you to let it go... .say you get back with her and start a family, then you will have these same issues but kids will be involved and it will be much harder to "let it go." I know the good times are really good and your hope is you can get back to that but my experience with that is this: you will have those good times but the bad is right around the corner... .it's a package deal... .it's like signing up for heartbreak... .at least that's how I see it looking back on my relationship... .the thing is you can't see it when you are In the middle of it. The passion is so strong... .trust me I know what you are going through.

[bradt]

I thought I was doing better, scratch that, I WAS doing better, but then I ran into her the other night.

A little back story: I volunteer with a local High Angle Rescue crew, and Monday night we got a call out that a woman's dog had fallen into one of the natural wells on the mountain. This is about a 200 foot drop, no way the dog survived, but we were called out to recover it nonetheless. We get there, rig up our ropes, and start rapelling in. Once I am about 50 feet down, I get told to come back up. During the switchover, I forgot to hook up my safety, and my main ascender broke. This is not something that usually happens, the gear is not supposed to just fail like that, but it did. I begin to plummet. I scraped my arm and bang my leg on the way down until somehow the teeth in the ascender sunk into the rope and I stopped. I thought I was dead, no way I would survive a 150' drop onto a stone surface, but then I realized I didn't hit the bottom, and I was alive. I reorganized my gear and was able to climb out, a little shaken, but alive. I made a rookie mistake and almost died. I took myself off the call out roster until I can make sure I don't do that again.

This isn't the first near death experience I have had. I was in the military and also worked overseas as a contractor. All in all there have been 7 (including Monday) instances I have almost died. Every time, I write a list. I title it with the date, and "Today I Almost Died" and then write a list of accomplishments and regrets. It kinda gives me perspective. Over the 6 previous lists, I fixed most of my "regrets" items, until new ones show up on the next list. Of course, "she" is in the regrets column of this new one as "I met the woman of my dreams and I f'ed it up". Yes, I know, I still need to work on the self blame.

Anyway, so I go to my favorite bar all dirty, bandaged, and limping, order some tacos, have a beer, and work on my latest list. After a short while, she walked in with 2 of her band mates. I saw one of them before I saw her, and I could barely look at her. I was shaking, my chest tightened, and I felt on the verge of a panic attack. Here I was, hours after nearly becoming a stain at the bottom of this well, and she shows up, and NOW I freak out. Funny, I fear her more than I do the death. I don't know why I was so scared right then. Part of me wanted her to come up and say something, ANYTHING, but she got her beer and went outside to the patio. I had to kinda walk (well, limp) past on the way out, and I refused to even glance.

Then that night and ever since, the dreams came again. They seem so real. Her and I as it used to be. It's so taunting. I wan't to wake up, because the memories hurt, but I don't want to wake up because in this imaginary realm I am happy again. I can't seem to shake them, not matter how hard I try. I had a migraine today and took a nap on my lunch break, and the dream was so real I swear I felt her breath on my neck and her lips on my cheek. I was doing so much better, and now I am back to being a mess.

[Duplicity]

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this torture. I'm a BPD myself, and I have moved fast in my past relationships. But one month is a very short amount of time to have fallen for her this deeply. Don't be hard on yourself for this. I'm not sure if she's BPD, narcissistic, or both. What she did sounds very cruel and heartless. I don't know if she was using you as a rebound or what. People like her are dangerous. Shes seems to be a predator that uses the internet to attract and groom her prey. This really sounds narcissistic because of the rapid pace of the "relationship" and her cruel, heartless way of just dropping you and never looking back. Love bombing and manipulation. The lack of empathy and refusal to give you closure is extremely disturbing. 

There are BPDs that can be cruel like this, but most crave love and constant attention- you seem like an excellent supply of both. I cannot see a BPD letting you go that easily-- you may get dumped but will be kept close for triangulation. This just seems so evil-- I'm speechless.

You have to do some soul searching. Why was she able to come along and capture your feelings so fast and so deeply? Most people want love and acceptance. But you still must exercise caution, because if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

You need to understand yourself better so that you can make sure you never attract another predator like this. Her intellgence, her musical accomplishments, her lifestyle, all suggest to me that she is narcissistic-- a sociopath at best. You were not the first man she's done this to, and you won't be the last. The more you chased her after she ignored you, the more it stroked her ego. She targets men who have low self worth and neediness traits. I also agree with everyone else's comments here. Get into some aggressive therapy, maybe some anxiety meds would be useful. Surround yourself with friends and family. They won't understand because they cannot relate to love bombing.They may not understand your need to be loved either. That encounter was euphoric, exciting, and brought something into your life that you have been missing. You have lots of support here. You will survive this and be much wiser. Do not let this woman destroy you. She is empty and hollow inside.  She exploited you. Shes a tortured soul. Get angry and become determined to not let her destroy the good person that you are. Fill the voids im your life. You are lucky that you didnt waste months or years with her. Focus on healing and building yourself back up. You have so much to offer. You didnt lose outx she did. And what goes around, comes around. Unfortunately, she is going on with her life and you never existed. There is a good woman out there for you. Heal and receive all the good the universe will offer you. Good luck to you and my heart aches for you.

[bradt]

ShanShay, I agree, one month is very quick, but she drove the pace. She asked me to move in, and I hesitated but gave in. Part of it is because she just had a way of making it seem so natural. She was very disarming, and that really brought my guard down. The women I dated before, I always kept at a bit of a distance at first. With her, so had a way of closing that gap.

[bradt]

There are BPDs that can be cruel like this, but most crave love and constant attention- you seem like an excellent supply of both.

This is very true. I'm very much a pleaser, so I always do things that make someone happy because I get satisfaction from that as well. She was also very good at showering me with affection, which fed into my desire to make her happy even more.

Why was she able to come along and capture your feelings so fast and so deeply?

She was my dream woman. This isn't the only time I have fallen hard and fast for someone, but I can't truly explain it. This isn't the norm for me.

Also, thank you for your encouragement. Everyday is a struggle, but the people here really help, yourself included.

[bradt]

So everything has been going, OK I guess, and we saw each other at the bar last night. The bar is right next to her work, but it was late enough after she got off that it is more than a reasonable assumption that she wouldn't be there. I stayed out of sight, but she knew I was there for sure. I left a different way so as to not walk by her. Then earlier today her mom commented on a random post of mine on FB with:

"Get a life loser.
Or better yet, spend some time with any of your four neglected children instead of hanging around a bar every single night hoping to see someone who thinks you're a huge joke.
What part of GET LOST don't you understand?
REPEAT: GET LOST"

I got upset, anxiety went haywire, and I wasn't sure what to do. Delete the comment? Respond? So I messaged her directly with this:

"Mrs. *********, first off I would like to let you know how sorry I am for everything. Your daughter is the most amazing woman I have ever met, and no one has ever made me as happy as she did. I love her greatly, but I know how she feels and there is nothing I could do to change that, nor am I trying to. Second, I am friends with the staff at that bar, and I go on evenings that I think she won't be there. Last night, I was mistaken. I stayed out of sight the best I could. Third, I take my kids to school every day and I see them most days when I get off work, on top of my designated weekends.

I have felt horrible over everything, and most of that pain is not because she left, but because of how she felt. I just want her to be happy, which is why I have not made any attempt to contact her.

Again, I'm sorry, not just towards (daughter), but to you because I feel I let you down as well even though we never got the opportunity to speak directly. Please know I am not trying to interfere with her life whatsoever, as I am just trying to focus on getting mine back together."

Her reply: "The only reason you think the staff are your friends are because you were there almost every day. There are a great number of bars between where you live and the place across the parking lot from where my daughter works.

I'm sure you must have other friends outside the staff, in a bar. They get paid for being friendly. We are asking her to report this stalking behaviour to the police and suggest you back off before we do it for her.

She has asked you repeatedly to leave her alone. Now I'm tell you to do exactly that."

I have not seen her at all outside of this place, so I have no idea what other stalking behavior she could be referring to. I'm just trying to get on with my life. Looks like I have to cross this place off my list which is a shame, because it is one of the only ones in town open late with reasonable prices and good food. I was hoping we could just simply leave each other alone in case we did end up there at the same time, but I guess not.

[Idsrvt2]

I just want to say that I too have had those dreams ... .I'm sorry that her mom choose to contact you in that manner ... heck my x took out a RO on me as hw felt a msg to his mom was harassment.
My x seems to have narc characteristics too
He delivers my mail.yet supposedly feared me... .so now I sww him and the pain just continues... .no one will do a thing to remove him
So I pretend like im ok when inside I'm not
I may or may not contact my x because I'm just sick of it all
In your situation how can you prove sheds nor stalking you? Could she know you are at the bar and venture in?

[bradt]

She is definitely a narcissist the more I look back. My cousin, also a musician, said that a lot of artists have narcissistic tendencies, and it makes sense.

I've been following your story, I really hope you can find a resolution that helps you move past it.

Her mom contacting me like that honestly is helping me move on. It hurt like hell at first, but now I am just getting angry. While we were fighting, my ex said she had "worked hard to get away from this type of under evolved drama" or something to that effect, and yet she (or maybe just her mom) is the one creating it when I am obviously making no attempt at contact. I cannot prove one way or the other, she has a history of coming to this place, further back than mine, but simply being in the same public place can hardly constitute stalking. I asked her mom before she blocked me what else is considered "stalking behavior" aside from just being at the same bar, because I have actually tried to take some measures to avoid her. I never got a response to that.

[Seenowayout]

Bradt -- you go to a bar after a near death experience volunteering to help someone (doing good), accidentally bump into your crazy ex in a bar, but you avoid her and go out another exit and you get a nasty public scolding from her mom on your own FB post?  If everything you say is true -- isn't that enough for you?  I say that with love, as a fellow ex sufferer, I relate to so much of your story -- I'm a fixer, my friends are sick of hearing about it, her family thinks I'm the worse thing ever despite everything I did for her ... .

What's helping me is realizing how crazy it all is, and I deserve better.  You do too.  Nobody deserves this kind of emotional abuse.  You especially do not.  Hang on to that thought. 

[bradt]

Seenowayout: It is crazy, all of it. I know I deserve better, and the crazier this all gets the more I realize it. When my ex and I were together, her mom was kind of pressing her to ask me to move in, and at one point was saying she should marry me. After seeing this, maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree... .