Refusal to Work

[Michael43]

I need some guidance, I guess you could call it a form of refusal to work syndrome for my BPD wife.

My wife w/BPD and I got a financial separation 3 months ago, mainly due to her hospitalizations had become costly and I need to protect myself from the possibility she could declare bankruptcy.  The settlement agreement makes it clear she is solely responsible for her medical costs.

My wife recently lost her full time job due to her behavior and has replaced it with a part time job, working 15-20 hours per week.  She needs to work 30-40 to break even with her medical bills and COBRA costs.

I have said in 30 days we will re-evaluate her hours and wages.  I have told her I expect her to earn a living wage and I expect her to financially take care of herself.  So far she refuses to look for a second job or full time job.  I am ready to meet with my support system, attorney, and pastor about the possibility of separating or divorcing her.  She only has a couple months of savings left.  We do have a 4 year old child and we rent, so I could move out at any time & I could have the lawyer update our separation agreement.

Any guidance or experience you have would be appreciated.

[toomanydogs]

I'm not sure I have advice. I have experience with my H not "working" around the house. He doesn't have a job outside the house, and what I've needed him to do is maintain his own guest house, which includes maintaining the levels of chemicals in the water softener.

He let all the chemicals run out and then told me he needed to move because his cats were now drinking "bad water."

If I had the ability, I'd remove the water softener. He wants to be independent, but he can't do those types of things.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I were worried about his not being able to pay his medical bills, especially if I had a child, and most especially if I were male, because I'd worry that the courts would grant her custody.

I do have a question: What's the Medicaid like in your state? Can she qualify for reduced rate on insurance if she works part time?

TMD

[teapay]

I think you are on the right track.  You expressed clearly want you need from her and are giving her a chance.  She might not be able, but that still has repercussions on you and is still a failure on her part. Utilimately, you may need to protect yourself and do a final separation to bring stability to your own and your childs life and then go from there.

[formflier]

I would lean on your lawyer to make sure you know precisely what you are on the hook for with your current setup.

Then, what you are on the hook for if you legally separate or divorce.

Please... no guesswork there.

Then... .from an interpersonal point of view with your wife.  I'd create a written offer and set aside money to "match" additional earnings.

So... perhaps... .for ever $2 she earns over and above what she makes now, you will put in $1... .or perhaps you will match dollar for dollar.

The critical thing is no additional money heads to her... .without her making successful effort first.

Thoughts?

FF

[Michael43]

To toomanydogs, thank you for the advice.  I didn't think about looking in to Medicaid, however as a 3 member family she earns too much to qualify in our state.  She still would earn too much in the event of a divorce.

To teapay, thanks for seeing that I am giving her a chance to take care of herself, sometimes she and other people don't see it this way.

To formflier, I agree with you.  In the event of a divorce/separation I would meet with my lawyer to make sure I know what I am getting in to before making a final decision.  I like your idea about the incentive matching encouragement, but it would violate the terms of our financial settlement & I am making it clear I am no longer playing the role of her financial caretaker.

In other news, it looks like there is a full time job offer.  I'm hoping it comes to fruition & that she is not just saying that to get me off her back.

[Cat Familiar]

I went through a similar situation with my xBPDh. We had a struggling business together and I worked additional jobs when I needed to make our finances work.

No matter how much I begged him to get work, and I was just hoping for a minimum amount of money from him, he never did. Really if he had just worked a half day once a week, that would have been enough. But no.

Later, after I divorced him, he moved in with a welfare mom and sponged off her. Ultimately he was forced to work, but if circumstances didn't dictate that, I think he would have been happily ever after being unemployed.

I wish you luck, since your child is involved. Sometimes it seems that whenever we push them for an outcome, they dig in their heels in order to be non-compliant.

[formflier]

I would meet with a lawyer now.  Perhaps a couple.

Spend some time reading on the legal board... .divorcing a pwBPD is not for the faint of heart or the unprepared.

I would encourage you to be pragmatic.  Agreements are made and changed... as circumstances change.

Big picture... .you need to get an idea if YOU want to drive the relationship towards togetherness... .or separateness. 

I am less interested in your decision... .and more interested that YOU are the one driving the ship... .and let your pwBPD react.

FF

[jac8949]

Mine literally hasn't worked in 8 years. She has no skills... and any job she could get she always considers to be "below" her. I would not at all be afraid of bankruptcy. In my experience it is a fairly good business decision especially when you have things that are out of your control. I filed about 10 years ago and bought a house 2 years later. Credit score over 700 a year after that... .

[Cat Familiar]

She has no skills... and any job she could get she always considers to be "below" her.

My ex-husband was like that. He had such an inflated opinion of his worth, yet he never did anything that might give him feedback about his wonderful abilities. When we were divorcing, he told me that he had more "potential" than me. I thought that was hilarious, since we were approaching 40 at the time.

[confused4now]

Wow , I am new to this , ever thread is my story! My husband hates working. The only time he worked is when I GOT him the job, he was constantly missing and leaving the job, he would lie where he was. He was so abusive to me at that time, and I moved so I did not have to work with him and cover his LIES! He got a internship at the VA and makes 8$ an hour. He has gone through all of an inheritance that his dad left him. He acts like he goes to this job every day, he is lying because I have a tracking device. He is not going and refuses to even tell me.  To add insult I believe he is having some sort of affair! He calls some one that works their and they call him all the time some time 5 to 6 times a day! When I ask him he blows up . calls me crazy and says he needs to talk to his Dr. I find it hard to believe a dr calls 4 times a day, after hrs, and talks for 20 min at a time! Is this common?

[lonelyh1]

My wife had a incident at work and it was best that she left.  However due to her lavish ways we were very in debt.

I expected her to find a job and continue paying.  After she left, she yelled at me" I am never going back to work"  The financial stress of working and keeping it together for the family left an indelible mark on my psyche.

She finally got a job.

I cannot trust her to help pay the bills.  This is affecting our decision making and it is one of the reasons, i am considering ending it.

[jac8949]

My ex-husband was like that. He had such an inflated opinion of his worth, yet he never did anything that might give him feedback about his wonderful abilities. When we were divorcing, he told me that he had more "potential" than me. I thought that was hilarious, since we were approaching 40 at the time.

Lol... yeah... it is like they are living in another reality.  Was you ex BPD?

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, BPD, NPD and I've recently discovered ASPD.

In the midst of our divorce, I confronted him about why he claimed that the truck I bought with an inheritance after we had split up was 50% his. I decided to hide a tape recorder in the pocket of my coat, knowing that I couldn't use that as evidence, but for some reason I wanted to record the conversation and listen to it later, I guess to hear my part in how I spoke to him.

Wow, am I glad I did! He started talking about how he was getting new credit cards to pay off the balances on his old cards. Then he said that he was going to write a screenplay that he would sell for a half a million dollars. Also he was going to buy a 1940s era Packard that he was going to rebuild and he would drive that to both the Academy Awards and the Grammys, because his girlfriend was going to record a Grammy-winning song.

To say I was gobsmacked, would be to put it mildly. He had never written a screenplay. The only thing he ever wrote was a half-finished short story and a couple of poems. His girlfriend had a nice singing voice, but her experience was singing occasionally in bars.

To this day, I wonder if he had a psychotic break. At the time I asked myself if he was always that crazy and I just hadn't noticed. It was truly a memorable moment and to have the recording of it and to listen to it later, was mind-blowing.

Oh, and his car renovation experience was that he put a new engine in a VW Bus and also one in a '60s Chevy truck.

[AnuDay]

Wow , I am new to this , ever thread is my story! My husband hates working. The only time he worked is when I GOT him the job, he was constantly missing and leaving the job, he would lie where he was. He was so abusive to me at that time, and I moved so I did not have to work with him and cover his LIES! He got a internship at the VA and makes 8$ an hour. He has gone through all of an inheritance that his dad left him. He acts like he goes to this job every day, he is lying because I have a tracking device. He is not going and refuses to even tell me.  To add insult I believe he is having some sort of affair! He calls some one that works their and they call him all the time some time 5 to 6 times a day! When I ask him he blows up . calls me crazy and says he needs to talk to his Dr. I find it hard to believe a dr calls 4 times a day, after hrs, and talks for 20 min at a time! Is this common?

Is this common?  Yes.  BPDs refuse to accept blame or responsibility for their bad behavior.  They will avoid guilt at ALL costs.