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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting  (Read 739 times)
FlawedDesign

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« on: August 12, 2017, 09:24:06 AM »

Hi all,

I joined recently, and ended-up posting in another topic about Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting (PA/PP).  It is under "Attacking with Food" if anyone is interested, and again under WendyDarling's postings on Repetition Compulsion. 

Briefly, PA/PP is when your spouse/significant other is teaching your child/children to hate you. And they do, which is highly aberrant behavior.  Even truly abused children do not hate their abusive parent(s), as a rule, but wish instead for them to stop the abuse and improve.

The children can be tiny, or young adults.  This does NOT happen only with young kids.  Divorce between parents is often the trigger, but not always; this can happen in intact families as well.

The alienating spouse involved in severe PA/PP has a Personality Disorder such as BPD/NPD.  They convince the kids of "new memories."  They completely contrive supposed faults or sins of the targeted parent.  We are looking at continual false allegations here.  Unfortunately, the kids buy into this in far  too many cases.  In severe PA/PP situations, this becomes a Shared Psychosis. In other words, the kids are thoroughly brainwashed into believing the lies of the alienating parent, very similar to cult followers having been brainwashed into believing the ideology and the hatred preached by a cult leader. 

Your own much-loved children will begin treating you as cruelly as the alienating parent is doing, if you are the targeted parent.  Truth can be stranger than fiction.  No amount of reason gets through to them.   

PA/PP is tremendously painful and damaging.  The targeted parent has his/her life ripped apart, and the relationship with his/her children destroyed.  These kids often stay that way indefinitely.  They do not just come around after a divorce, or in a year or two, or when they are grown, or if you send them scads of loving messages.  Many kids damaged by PA/PP take 20+ years to come around, if they do at all.  You can never get that time back.  The majority of them will be gone from the targeted parent's life forever.  This is vicious stuff.

In addition, tragically, alienated kids have a higher suicide risk that even standard BPD brings.  These kids are emotionally damaged when they are taught to hate a loving parent.  In essence, they are also being taught to hate a part of themselves, and that brings all kinds of trouble. 

I recommend reading the website or books of Dr. Craig Childress.  He understand the connection with Personality Disorders, with Shared Psychosis, and with the human Attachment System (see work of John Bowlby).  Also very good are the works of Stanley Clawar, Linda Gottlieb, Richard Warshak, and Amy JL Baker. 

Parental Alienation was originally noted as a pattern of behavior by Dr. Richard Gardner (deceased), over 30 years ago.  See his list of PA traits.  I have been amazed at how consistently these traits appear in kids who are caught in this trap, and in the alienating parents.   

What can be done?  You must get the child/children away from the alienating parent, but that is often easier said than done.  If they are 18 and over, you will have a tough row to hoe, since the family courts will not intervene. 

See the work of William Eddy too, on high-conflict individuals in family court settings  --  this usually describes alienating parents, dragging the targeted parent through court on one false allegation after another.  Alienating parents in PA/PP usually accuse the targeted parent of child abuse, sexual abuse, and virulent mental illness (yes  I know, that is ironic).  All false accusations.     

A couple of memoirs for background reading:  "Tears in the Rain,"  by F. Leonard Myers, and "A Kidnapped Mind," by Pamela Richardson.  There are others as well.  Check Amazon books. 

It is not unusual for PA/PP to happen to a parent who was also parentified and scapegoated in their family-of-origin.  PA/PP is family scapegoating too, and once a victim, it tends to be intergenerational because the targeted parents are often the highly empathetic/caretaking types.  Yes, I know it is extremely unfair that the more caring you are about your fellow man, the more targeted you become by the BPD/NPD types, but I did not create humanity.  I can only call them as I see them.  Apparently, you need to learn to caretake yourself better, if you are a targeted parent.  And be very, very careful of an NPD partner. 

PA/PP can be instigated by any gender, by the way.  It can affect a single child in a family, or multiple siblings. 

FD   
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« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2017, 09:33:19 PM »

yep, yep, yep.

my experience has been just that.

I was painted black any time the UBPD needed. then permanently when I set a boundary.

that was six years ago.

UBPD tried brainwashing D8 with false abuse accusations failed investigation, due to I had witnesses
same thing when D was 11, failed
D14 , UBPD PA brainwashing succeeded, I had no witness.

D14 protects deviant derelict in his UBPD takedown of me, her mother.

the whole bloody story is in my history.

the system is stacked cluster b's and all the $$$$$ everyone can make is endless !

I alone spent $300,000.00 and nothing moved changed or got better except that I eventually left the country and the madness. By the time my ex was done with me, he had 1/2 the village and the Police against me. It became time to leave my precious daughter with UBPD father. The entire system failed her. And me. So far.
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Belljarescapee

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« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2017, 08:09:30 PM »

Are there any warning signs that PA/PP is starting? Sometimes when my son has been spending time with his father when he comes home he seems distant. A couple times he didn't even bother to say anything to me. This could be his own separate teen issues but it seems to me like his dad is putting something heavy on him. I don't know if his father is just using him as support,  or if it's depressed mood rubbing off.is there a way to bring it up with out sounding paranoid or adding to his overload of stress from a parent. I really worry about him being overloaded to the breaking point and taking his own life.
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« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2017, 12:26:03 AM »

By the time I "learned" about Parental Alienation (PA). It had gone on D's entire life. From babyhood. The UBPD just changed tactics to match the child's developmental stage. It was outright PA grooming the entire time.

My perception is that this is terribly traumatizing to kids and mine dissociates. An entire life of fight or flight , Its how her brain copes.

When in fight or flight D was  not present to move toward (bond), that only leaves distance, a protective mechanism. And depression. It is depressing for a kid to live with this. it is lose lose for them .

This sounds so much like my daughter was. it got much worse before it got better. I had NO LUCK exposing PA.

Learn as much as you can about attachment, bonding, brain states.

VALIDATION VALIDATION VALIDATION, no matter how counterintuitive it seems, is what worked the best.

I spent years validating utter psychotic insanity spewing from my child's mouth. held my center.

I learned that when a person is triggered in fight or flight, no bonding or learning or explaining, can happen. we are frozen. so a child/person, including the BPD cannot be connected with when triggered. only validated. it creates safety.

Consistency is hard. especially if you start this marathon with CPTSD yourself. It can be done.

I managed to secure and keep daughters bond with validation and radical acceptance. she now has stockholm syndrome and is completely split. she even knows it and can articulate it and figured the BPD out.

At 13 Daughter said "It is an attachment disorder. If he ever finds out I know he will abandon and paint me black", and a month later she lied to the courts and chose him. Stopped the shared parenting madness that was destroying daughter, because my UBPD is unable to share and stops at nothing to perform a complete motherectomy.


BUT ... .I remain unconditional loving. D is only 14. she knows I am not abandoning her.I am healing my issues.

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« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2017, 12:30:43 AM »

My PA experience was described EXACTLY the same as an example in Bill Eddy's book.

Step by step.Blow by blow.

Thats how predictable this illness is.

My UBPDX is so tuned into everyone's vulnerability for some gas lighting and abuse, 6 years after I divorced him, the morning after my father died the UBPD chose to call my mother to brainwash her and turn her against me. easy target day.

I not only lost my daughter but have not been able to speak with my son, DIL or 3 grandchildren, since my BPDX became their best friend immediately after our divorce. He alienated MY 37 year old son from a previous marriage... .(NOT HIS) who was an adult when I married UBPD  and the whole family against me. gone, done lost.

Believe it.
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« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2017, 06:49:25 AM »

Are there any warning signs that PA/PP is starting? Sometimes when my son has been spending time with his father when he comes home he seems distant. A couple times he didn't even bother to say anything to me. This could be his own separate teen issues but it seems to me like his dad is putting something heavy on him. I don't know if his father is just using him as support,  or if it's depressed mood rubbing off.is there a way to bring it up with out sounding paranoid or adding to his overload of stress from a parent. I really worry about him being overloaded to the breaking point and taking his own life.

Nona is right it's important to talk with your son and validate his feelings.  Even if there is no Parental Alienation, your son's father's behaviors are in appropriate.  Your son is not his father's counselor or even his friend he is his child, it is not his role to be his father's caretaker.  And if your son is acting depressed it is very possible he is depressed not just having his father's mood rub off on him. I speak from experience don't minimize what might be going on with your son.  At worst his father could be trying to parentify your son... .putting your son in the position of caretaker to his father and at best it sounds like your son is sad. 

I would suggest a therapist for your son if he is not already in therapy.  It can be a big help in terms of having someone neutral that he can talk to, that can help him with coping skills, and support.

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« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2017, 08:41:14 AM »

Are there any warning signs that PA/PP is starting? Sometimes when my son has been spending time with his father when he comes home he seems distant. A couple times he didn't even bother to say anything to me.

My son was like this too.

I would treat PA as the specific adaptation of abusive BPD behaviors on the kids. There is no beginning to it because it's part of how a BPD parent relates to his or her child.

BPD sufferers do not have boundaries and have an endless need for validation. They seek this validation from their own kids, and their non-existent boundaries make it difficult to recognize that this is inappropriate and abusive. There is no schema to view the child as a separate person with a separate self because there is no sense of real self in the first place.

Your ex might be seeking validation from your son, parentifying him so that there is a reversal in the healthy parent-child relationship. For a teen boy, it might make him feel important to have his dad confide in him like an equal, and at the same time, this is a disturbing responsibility to place on a kid who has behavioral milestones he needs to focus on as part of healthy development.

Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison is useful -- he describes almost every scenario I encountered and has helpful tips right down to phrases you can use. These are not intuitive skills. They have to be learned.

When your son comes home distant and says nothing, but your mom sense tells you something is up, trust yourself. You can validate your son's body language. "I notice you get quiet when you come home. You aren't having eye contact with me and you turn your body away. This is something I do, too, when I feel upset and can't find the words to express how I'm feeling."

I used to have this conversation in the car so my son could be near without having to have eye contact.

My son agreed to have a counselor, and that has been a huge blessing.

If his school has an effective guidance counselor, that can also really help. My son's school counselor would come to his class under the guise of an administrative task, and then they would hang out and talk for an hour.

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« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2017, 02:11:52 PM »

My son is a teenager and doesn't like the idea of counseling although I've been trying to encourage it. Another thing that concerns me is the way he is focusing on my son. He has another teen son who he got custody of a couple years ago and for every few times he spends time with my son he spends one with my step son. He says it's because my son is more willing to spend time with him. He also almost always takes them separately.  Sometimes leaving the step son home with me.  It just seems weird and unbalanced and I tried to point it out but he is still doing it.
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« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2017, 03:11:00 PM »

Are there any warning signs that PA/PP is starting? Sometimes when my son has been spending time with his father when he comes home he seems distant. A couple times he didn't even bother to say anything to me.

Blunt, very blunt:
  It was right in front of you during that r/s…

You weren’t aware, I wasn’t, wonder if even anyone was.  
In hindsight, seen the difference in behaviour of kids within the family or when interacting 1 to 1 with the kids?

Its described that pwBPD craves for love, needs an attachment, a love object to make themselves feel good, and most an object that gives unconditional love. (we failed…as others will)
Based on that.

A baby / toddler: a perfect fit for taking care off, for receiving that most honest love.
Older kids: develop a sense of self, explore, untangle themselves from that care taker (the parent)
Then it starts.
PwBPD keeps (out of their need) a kid on a rubber string.
The unbreakable bond (kids) wants freedom, the pull back starts.
Becoming freedom in control  ( => not a healthy freedom within limits).

The older the kid gets, the more that pull back evolves.
Frantically holding that bond, that control, even that ‘kids are mine’ idea to protect against evil.

As many times discussed on this board, pwBPD have an emotional age of 4-6 yrs.
So, the kids emotionally outgrows the care taker.
The only solution?
Pulling that rubber string with sweet little words, with ‘over validation’, with soothing the kid.  

The partner involved already showed his/her flaws, becoming more and more the bad, the one that fails.
This partner however is also a parent, also involved in upbringing. Shows consistency, gives freedom within limits and corrects the kids.  Allows the kids to grow, explore, bump into, etc.

Tension between parents rises (it was already there for…), not because of kids, because of interaction between  the ‘healthy ’parent with the kid
That is seen by the care taker (pwBPD) as interfering, as threatening their authority over hat kid (their… love object)
(Remember? We showed our flaws already…)

The perfect climate for parentification
(not deliberately done, merely a result of their ‘disorder’ to frantically hold on to their kids).  
As I name it, ‘the bedroom upbringing’.

Kids? They love both parents, are loyal to both.
But kids can’t compete with these personalities as a parent, they loose, they are afraid, they unconsciously are used as soother to stabilize that parent, not being that trigger, etc.
Making kids feel obliged (even guilty) when something asked. As to consider how the BPD will feel when the kid doesn’t agree, doesn’t want to help, doesn’t want to do something.
The emotional blackmail, like:
Ever thought about how it would make you feel when you ask me xyz and my answer is no? Did you ever?

So, long before all break ups with Cluster B’s there was parentification involved.  
The breeding room for PAS  

Have a look Dr. Craig Childress blog
https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2015/03/06/understanding-the-childs-experience/?iframe=true&preview=true
and go to “Guilt”    

In my case, with that bedroom upbringing, the giggle started, the little secrets, the excuses, the annoyance expressed towards the other parent => me.
As soon as interacting  1 to 1 again, that old bond was still there, guaranteeing that wonderful q-time.


I tried to write this in an explaining and rational way.
Beneath there are strong emotions, lasting emotions of experienced and continued destruction



An xw saying: ‘I will destroy everything what is precious to you, incl. your relationship with the kids!’.
And more than once that woman said so.

Indeed shortly after I became the rejected parent, more than 5 yrs. now totally estranged from D (at that time 19yrs), with whom I had a great bond.

A Son who chose to stay with me (even at age 20 we hugged, he never hugged his ‘mom’. Daughter and I hugged, daughter never hugged her ‘mom’… )
Estranged too after yrs. living with me.
A son whom I dragged trough this devastating  experience (divorce), motivated as much as I could.
Dragged him to school, had to ‘force’ him to make his homework, made him cry (a 17 yr old at that time) and cried together!
Honestly, I wasn’t silent all the time, I confronted too, validated and explained, let him see matters with a clear view as in other situations (within his reference).
Also a son who increasingly lied to me, who told ‘mom’ about my situation, who silently rejected more and more activities.

Yes, he graduated for both his studies.

Also a son, who’s  ‘mom’ didn’t even attend 2times (really, 2 times) his graduation.
How hard can you let your kid fall, hurt so deeply… well she could).    

But the FOG towards ‘mom’ is THE chain that ties.
Those little sweet words of ‘mom’ have powerful magic in it…

Please be careful, please talk and please read    
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It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
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« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2017, 03:36:56 PM »

The r/s of children with the primary caretaker (most cases the mother) will be transferred to the next generation.
Mentioned is already Dr. Craig Childress blog

Another one is Roberta M. Gilbert, the eight concepts of Bowen Theory, p60 => Murray Bowen, Attachment theory.

One who cuts off from parents is vulnerable to impulsively getting into an emotionally intense marriage that end in the cut off of divorce.

The more intense the cutoff with the past, the more likely the problem is to arrive ins some form in the person’s own marriage or in the relationship to their own children.



Having the example of a ‘mother’ (exw) who dumped her parents, and having ‘mother’ as primary caretaker (and HFBPD) will have trans-generational consequences.
My kids will most likely transfer it too, unless they deal with their past and with help of their partners.

Literature also refers to it as a Medea Complex.
Medea, the Greek mother in the play of Euripides. A story of intense love turned into deep hate that she killed her kids in order get back at her husband for betraying her.
A dialogue go’s as:
Jason (husband): you loved them and killed them
Medea: to make you feel pain.

 
From: THE MEDEA COMPLEX AND THE PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME:
When Mothers Damage their Daughter's Ability to Love a Man. Robert M. Gordon, Ph.D.

A psychodynamic model of severe divorce pathology views the Medea mother as "narcissistically scarred, embittered dependent woman... .(who) ... .attempts to severe father-child contact as a means of revenging the injury inflicted on her by the loss of a self-object, her hero-husband."
The idea is that the Medea mother is so dependent that she cannot deal with the loss, and thus holds on with hate.
Her love turned to hate is so passionate that she destroys that which intimacy between them produced.
The hate goes beyond her instinctive need to protect her own children.
Medea must make the father suffer more than she suffers for it to be a punishment with revenge and make him feel pain

Gardner (1987) stated that because of the separation these ex partners (mothers) can’t retaliate directly at their former partner they wreak vengeance to deprive the father from his most treasured possessions, the kids.   


Karen Woodall:
https://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2017/08/24/the-well-of-loneliness-underneath-the-cloak-of-the-alienator/

“What will happen to the daughter is that she will never be able to progress her own self growth beyond ego identification and she will never be able to develop the wisdom of compassion and empathy which comes with age.
She will despise what she perceives as weakness and will become haughty and arrogant and cold.
She will alienate others and will become alienated from her own children eventually“


https://karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2017/06/21/hurting-the-heart-of-a-child-parental-alienation-is-child-abuse/

"Who would want to tear open the cocoon of security and safety in which a child lives?
Those who were harmed themselves in childhood perhaps, for whom the sight and experience of the unconscious child triggers rage and fury.
Those whose own unresolved issues mean that their child becomes the salve to the supperating wound.
And those for whom children are simply an extension of themselves, those without boundaries, whose sense of self did not develop and who therefore are unable to assist another human being to achieve what they did not achieve.
All of these psychological profiles drive people to destroy a child’s right to safety and peace.
All of these psychological profiles are seen in alienating parents.

The deliberate deprivation of a child of a once loved parent is a harmful act which removes the child’s right to sovereignty.
It is child abuse.
The unconscious alienation of a child by an unwell parent who is attempting to resolve childhood issues through the use of their own child, is a harmful act which removes the child’s right to sovereignty.
It is child abuse.
And abuse is something which children must be protected from without question."




So:
The victory results in the psychological destruction of the kids. 


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It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
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« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2017, 11:31:51 AM »

Thank you Dutched,
That's a lot to read,  and a lot to think about. ...
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« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2017, 10:57:03 AM »

Dutched,
 

Thank you for the links to website of karren Woodall and Craig Childress. I read through both of their sites. I'm not sure if I was able to absorb all of it yet,  I was do distracted of all the examples of the behaviors described, and my anxiety about the situation that I'll have to go back over the subject matter. I really do appreciate the info though. I even read how the parent trying to seek power will separate one child to focus on and put all of their energy into just one sibling,  often the most abused. That is exactly what he is still doing.  I had to find a different apartment for my son and I. I had found one in the county where my son had gone to primary school and thought he would be happier transfering to. When his dad found out he bribed him with a new car to stay at the city school he is in and convince me to get an apartment in the city.  He told him the other one was too far away and he was afraid he would lose him. I was only moving there so my son could be happier in school. He didn't even think twice to ask my son to sacrifice his own happiness for his needs. That's what a selfish person he is. It's cost me 230 dollars I didn't have to waste. I think this may be an indication of things to come. I couldn't find any advice on the sites on how to prevent alienation/isolation. And Karen Woodall's site wanted a fee to Skype.  I guess professionals don't help for free. I'm just so anxious about the future.
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« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2017, 12:01:09 PM »

I didn't really explain the importance of the schools to my son. He attended the county school until freshman year. My husband had never had custody of his older child who had lived in another state and has barely visited a handful of times. The boys mother and step father had been junkies, unknown to us,  and the mother had been imprisoned for drug related charges. The boy was moved to our state with his grandparents for guardianship. My BPDh was angry that he had been kept in the dark about his childs wellbeing and didn't like the grandparent's having authority over the son and decision making. He talked to me about it once. I told him the boy was happy with his grandparents whom he had known all his life and were family, and that I thought it would be wrong to take him away and didn't think the courts would support that. He got temporary custody granted the next day and went to tell the son at school. When he did the son was angry and not wanting to cooperate and called his grandma to tell her. They were not happy but couldn't argue with paternity. When they went to court they agreed to make it a gradual transition to living with us full time. During this time my BPDh put on his best show of fatherhood and things were ok. My step son attended the near by city school,  where he was in sports and didn't want to leave. So I had to sacrifice my work hours to take and pick him up every day. My BPDh was so proud of himself for getting custody in the court system. He seemed to feel like it indicated what a good and deserving person he was. Since we lived outside of the city we would have had to pay tuition for my step son to continue school there. So he looked for and bought a house in the city.  Then my son had to be commuted to the county twice a day. When that year finished he had to start city school. It went ok, but he struggled with academics. The city had a much higher standard to which he hadn't been prepared for. His best city friend had left for the military last month. When my son thought about starting back to school and being at home living with his father he was so miserable he had admitted to feeling suicidal. I seperated from my BPDh finally seeing that it had to end and made plans to move so my son could be happier. I think this threatened my BPDh because for one reason he didn't want my son to be happier at the school that he had forced him to leave for his other child. I would be the good guy in that scenario.  He was worried I would have more control at the new school. He would have to commute my son when he was at his house. And we would be living further away. So he bribed my son to get his way. My son hasn't learned yet that he only dangles gifts on strings though. Nothing is really ever given. I am truly worried that my BPDh will decide that I am unfit or unworthy of being a mother a take either all of the custody or all of the control. Control is the thing he cannot be trusted with. When he has total control he is an unreasonable,  abusive, dictator. He gives gifts and takes privileges at a whim and punishes harshly. He makes people in his life miserable any time he had power. That is why I think my son we have a better relationship with him if we live seperately and have equal power and control. That's the goal.
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« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2017, 07:03:48 PM »

Thank you for the info on Dr. Craig Childress article.  I had not read that one before.  It hit me to the core.  I have been avoiding to go to this 'board on co-parenting' because it is so painful- so painful.  The article for Childress is spot on.  I was encouraged that he states that the children still have a love for the targeted parent.  This is awful and so hard. 

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« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2017, 04:16:48 AM »


Thank you for the links to website of karren Woodall and Craig Childress. I read through both of their sites. I'm not sure if I was able to absorb all of it yet,  I was do distracted of all the examples of the behaviors described, and my anxiety about the situation that I'll have to go back over the subject matter. I really do appreciate the info though. I even read how the parent trying to seek power will separate one child to focus on and put all of their energy into just one sibling,  often the most abused. That is exactly what he is still doing.  I had to find a different apartment for my son and I. I had found one in the county where my son had gone to primary school and thought he would be happier transfering to. When his dad found out he bribed him with a new car to stay at the city school he is in and convince me to get an apartment in the city.  He told him the other one was too far away and he was afraid he would lose him.

Absorbing that info will take a while.

First it’s how to recognise the dynamics involved.
The subtle manipulation up to the obvious (as promising a new car).

Your son is (very) receptive at this moment and who in that age doesn’t want a new car?
For your son it’s to survive his inner loyalty conflict. He needs to...
He doesn’t rejects you and certainly doesn’t want to. His father is ‘just’ more rewarding.
 
What I wrote before.
But kids can’t compete with these personalities as a parent, they loose, they are afraid, they unconsciously are used as soother to stabilize that parent, not being that trigger, etc.
Making kids feel obliged (even guilty) when something asked. As to consider how the BPD will feel when the kid doesn’t agree, doesn’t want to help, doesn’t want to do something.

The emotional blackmail, like:
Ever thought about how it would make you feel when you ask me xyz and my answer is no? Did you ever?


He is, all children are, afraid of losing a parent, to emotionally detach from a parent.
Daily in courts children are sentenced to the worst pain they will ever feel, to emotionally detach from a parent. All ‘in the best interest of the child’…

How to handle it?
Some hints were given on these sites.
Browse this co- parenting section please. Members asking and given advice, telling how they solved daily struggles, blaming and shouting.
In the ‘Relationship Tools and Skills Workshops’ section a lot of info about validation.

Although a teenager, so very, very independent, knowing all, grown up, making his own decisions, etc.
he IS that KID that seeks comfort, safety and love.
That brain is not grown up, the frontal cortex is fully matured at about age 22-25.
So connections in that brain are made daily, that’s why you see impulsive behaviour, that change of mind.     
 
Make time to listen. When busy, stop, sit down and listen.
In the evening, take time together, even when both busy.
Same with jobs around the house. Ask, involve and thank him.
Quality time that’s one.

A next one is to be the reliable person as he knows you.
And yes, he knows you are the parent he really can rely on!
When something comes up, or when you are being held up, be pro active in letting him know.
Reliability and security.

An very important one is to validate him when he is annoyed, upset, or blaming you (the hidden force of dad on the background?) 
Avoid  JADE  (justify argue defend explain). Please avoid, won’t always succeed (looking at myself) 
Instead ASK, summarize (if you understand what he is saying) and validate.
Then give your view in a non confrontational way, and ask his thoughts about it.
Stop when he gets annoyed, have a break and get for both something to drink, eat.

Some pitfalls too.
You will be accused => by sayings of his father and he can repeat that…   
Avoid of accusing back, do not mention his father at all then. Keep it to yourself and him!

As that force on the background… have tremendous impact, unfortunately watch your back.
Sayings, financial situation, social circle, can (!) be told to that force.
Be aware that he FEELS (emotional blackmailed…) the NEED to lie to you.
That hurts! That hurts like H***!
 
Sadly, there is no guarantee!

The example experienced this writer.
A ‘mom’ who wasn’t there, a ‘mom’ chasing her love of her life, a ‘mom’ who even didn’t attend his graduation 2 times.

Even though S lived with me for yrs, visiting his ‘mom’ a 2 days a week, or when it suited him, he turned his back on me.
Last time I saw him, he was looking pale and had death eyes.
More than a yr. ago in an email he ‘shouted’: THEN PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS”.
His ‘mom’ wasn’t there for him, again…
And still? Still.
 
These little sweet words have so much magic in it… 

Certainly hope he keeps his eyes open, will even see more in time to sustain that bond with you!
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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
Belljarescapee

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #15 on: October 01, 2017, 04:43:27 PM »

Dutched,
Thank you, helpful advice. My own relationship with my son is the only thing I should be focused on right now. I just worry that our days together are numbered and it's an intolerable thought for a mother.  It's made me irrational and paranoid and I would be lying if I said I could let the fear go. But I can try harder work on healthy normal communication and behavior as a parent.
 
Belljarescapee
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