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Author Topic: I really hate she's having sex with somebody else  (Read 821 times)
JaxDK
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« on: August 12, 2017, 03:17:24 PM »

That's the part that's killing me right now. She was an amazing giver in bed. The only place she was truly giving. Now she has some older balding overly tattooed guy getting all the best parts of our relationship.

If I can get over that I will be fine. I'm past wanting to be in a relationship with her. This seems to be my final step
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     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
HelenaHandbasket
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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2017, 03:25:43 PM »

Oh, honey. That's always the hard part. All I can tell you is, I PROMISE it gets better. You just have to fight through that s**t, in the immortal words of Marcellus Wallace. One day you will not care who she boffs or who boffs her. In the meantime, remind yourself why you got out of there as often as you need to, and DON'T LET YOURSELF DWELL ON THIS. When you feel your mind heading in that direction, wrench it away. And don't stalk her social media because it will only fuel the self-defeating fire.
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JaxDK
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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2017, 03:38:23 PM »

Oh, honey. That's always the hard part. All I can tell you is, I PROMISE it gets better. You just have to fight through that s**t, in the immortal words of Marcellus Wallace. One day you will not care who she boffs or who boffs her. In the meantime, remind yourself why you got out of there as often as you need to, and DON'T LET YOURSELF DWELL ON THIS. When you feel your mind heading in that direction, wrench it away. And don't stalk her social media because it will only fuel the self-defeating fire.

Oh I'm staying way clear of her FB profile. After I wrote to her a few weeks back, she should have my son ready when I pick him up to make the pass-over as short as possible. She changed her profile picture of herself, to him and her laughing together same day. She has repeatedly tried to rub her new relationship in my face. So yeah. Haven't looked since. I will try and do as you suggest. It's hard since I still have to see her four times a week and sometimes he is there in the back ground.

I shouldn't even feel this way. I left her. I wished she would find somebody, so I wouldn't have to worry about her unraveling while having my son on a day to day basis. Just didn't expect it to happen with a random dude after a month and her declaring her undying love for him. That was day 1 for me.
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     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
blueblue12
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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2017, 05:57:23 PM »

Hey Jax,
Most of the time it is just some random dude, the thing is it doesn't usually last that long and its not love, just pretend love, lies. My ex left me and started with some random dude, two months later was crying uncontrollably to get me back and was telling the guy was "not good, selfish, terrible guy" and she missed me as I was the love of her life! There you go... .
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2017, 06:39:04 PM »

Missing the great sex was the hardest part for me to deal with and was the thing that lasted the longest.  I felt very betrayed that he would be sharing that level of intimacy with some new random girl.  How did I deal with it?  I got my backside in the gym and trained HARD to get my frustration out.  It had a two fold effect, giving me a rush of feel good chemicals in my brain and also has the added bonus of shaping up to restore some of the confidence that was lost during the r/s.  I'd been training lots when we met and this was one of the things that fell by the wayside due to the controlling behaviour so it felt very freeing too.  Getting the odd approving look just reminds me that he's not the only source of great sex in the universe and I still have it in me to find an emotionally healthy partner when I'm ready.  Until then, I'll be super fit!

Love and light x
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JaxDK
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2017, 02:35:34 AM »

Thanks for your kind words and support all , It's great to have a site like this to write your thoughts, with people with similar experiences. People in my life will never understand the complexity of these relationships.

I hate going to the gym with a passion. It's like a second job so that option is out unfortunately. I gotta find something else to occupy my time with.

As for it not lasting long. Knowing my ex, it's going to last as long as he is on board. She needs the image of being happy for the world to see plus he's doing a lot of home repairs for her. She doesn't break up no matter how bad a relationship gets. She stayed with her ex husband for 18 years who mentally and physically abused her, it's that important to her to be with somebody.

The only thing I should and can focus on is, getting new routines and reinvent myself again. I used to love gaming but gave that up for her increasing needs. I can't see myself going back to that either, since it's an isolating hobby. Dating is an option but I can't see myself writing an application on dating sites, where women get over 200 offers a day to sort through.

Sometimes I envy BPD's ability to turn that switch off and on at will
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     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
Sargeras
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2017, 04:17:37 AM »

I know exactly how you feel, believe me. Just know that one day, and this day will come soon, you're not going to give two ___s about who she's with. Plain and simple. Your brain is designed to overcome this kind of stuff. Besides, she'll probably end up reaching out to you at some point, and you can knock the stuffin' off that egg mcmuffin for old times sake. Afterwards, you can ignore her!
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HelenaHandbasket
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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2017, 01:58:04 PM »

You probably shouldn't date until you really feel ready, but as far as the online dating scene goes--here's the thing. Women do get a lot of offers, but the overwhelming majority of them are IDIOTS. You sound intelligent and articulate. If you approach a woman with some respect and humor, you will stand out among the crowd of dweebs. 
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2017, 01:45:16 AM »

 Honestly that's the hardest part that I have to deal with. I think it's just coming from  the ego part of me.  We don't want them but we don't want anybody else to have them. It's plain and simple. My ex is a giver in bed too, if I am going to sit here and think what she's gonna do it'll make me miserable. Here's the good news, you can do that too.  In fact you can find a girl that is as good as her in bed and even better. Confidence is key here, she will run back I assure you once the guy tosses her.  If you've been with her long enough, and if you've had an amazing connection, she cannot replace you even if she tried. You have to walk around thinking like you're a big rock, that nothing phases you, you're still going to hold your ground. Emotions and feelings of insecurity  emotions and fear are not only common but normal and natural.  It is your responsibility to identify what you were feeling, counterbalance the thought, and don't allow your brain to go that route. You have to be cutting the circuit in your brain otherwise it's going to keep going and turning the thought over and over  again until it becomes an obsession and it will go out of control. Please don't let yourself get to that point. When the thought comes consciously counterbalance it then do something to distract yourself. Do whatever to gain your confidence back because these people can castrate us and rip us a new AH if we let them. Don't let that happen, get your groove back and she will run back to you, and then you can leave her the way you've always wanted to.
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Duplicity

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« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2017, 06:57:20 PM »

JaxDk,

My heart goes out to you. As a BPD myself, I can tell you that she's having the time of her life as long as she thinks you're disturbed about her- who she is with, and what she is doing. Especially if you left the relationship. This is a game that I have played before. She's miserable. If she was truly as happy as she wants everyone to believe she is, there would be no need to put in such effort on social media and otherwise. Truly happy people simply go away and live their lives. As for the sex, that's understandable. That's simply not an image you want in your mind-- I have used sex as a weapon in the past. We are very intense sexually, very open to sex acts that most non BPD people wouldnt be. We put all of our emotion and passion into this act as well. As you heal, and get over the toxicity of her and the relationship, you will soon not care about who she's sexing. Because you will have healed and moved on.
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2017, 07:12:20 PM »

ShanShay
Thank you so much for this post. I tend to think about my ex having sex with others too. My ex always told me she was so emotional and only has sex after she gets to know people and says that I am the physical one. She is going on a trip soon and all I can think of are the flings she will have. I honestly can do the same too, so it's a 2 way game. My BPDex thinks I am the BPD since I use sex and cuddling to heal from her; who knows she might have a point. After all she's the "psychologist" LOL
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Duplicity

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« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2017, 08:29:52 PM »

No problem!
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JaxDK
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« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2017, 01:15:57 AM »

ShanShay
Thank you so much for this post. I tend to think about my ex having sex with others too. My ex always told me she was so emotional and only has sex after she gets to know people and says that I am the physical one. She is going on a trip soon and all I can think of are the flings she will have. I honestly can do the same too, so it's a 2 way game. My BPDex thinks I am the BPD since I use sex and cuddling to heal from her; who knows she might have a point. After all she's the "psychologist" LOL

Thanks for your replies all it means a lot to me 

The first month of them together, she did everything she could to get a reaction out of me. After I recently apologized for the things I said when I broke up, she's been nicer. She lashed back at me and told me she was glad it ended, but I didn't take the bait, I just kept it friendly. They both own houses so moving in together is not an option for them but I'm sure they are living together at his place most of the time with the 4 kids. It doesn't bother me as being a mother of 4 is hard work. She needs all the help she can get.

Last time I dropped my son off at her place, she came in her car with her kids. Her other son came out and asked if they were going to her boyfriends place and she just looked at him and shakes her head instead of telling him. I found it odd, like she was uncomfortable with him asking in front of me. I'm thinking she doesn't want me to know exactly how much time she spends at his place. That or she wants to avoid him being mentioned when I'm there. She never brings him up or so much as mention anything related to her new relationship when I drop and pick him up. She also seems to avoid us meeting.

Either she respects it's hard for me she moved on with someone else or she's doing triangulation.

As much as I'm hurt she's with somebody else I'm also happy she's got somebody to help her make life easier.
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     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
Duplicity

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« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2017, 10:48:31 AM »

JaxDk,

What I love about this forum is that I can get the perspective of normal people like you since I am disordered, and I can give some insight into what a BPD "might" be thinking. Im looking for help with how nons think so that i can work on my recently failed relationship, since my marriage is not for reconsideration. That being said, this sounds familiar too. I have teenager's and small children myself. I was with their father for 17 years. I always preach to them to keep their mouths closed about what goes on in my house. And I do NOT like for my ex husband to know whats  going  on in my personal life. He always said that I would never find someone to tolerate me like he did, and after my most recent relationship of one year failed, I fear this to be true because I know I am disordered.

I dont think you wish bad on her, but there may be problems in this new relationship. BPDs have turbulent relationships,--no matter who the other partner is-- you know how she is and how her habits are because you spent years with her. Shes put up a huge front of how "happy" she is,  so she has an image to maintain now. What her son said may have indicated some back and forth between them, maybe fights or night's apart from each other. Thats the last thing she wants YOU to know or think. That may explain her irritation with her son, but I'm willing to bet he was scolded severely for that remark later in private.

She's glad you apologized for your role in everything because deep down, we know we're screwed up and it feels good to hear and know it's not ALL of our fault. Good job on not taking the bait because she's going to continue to test you, gauging your reaction. Keep focusing on being pleasant, going on with your life and coparenting with her. The cracks and the truth of what's going on with her in her new relationship are simply starting to show. That's all. Good luck!


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JaxDK
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« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2017, 11:31:45 AM »

I've had that thought too. Thank you for your valuable input.

A fun little extra tidbit. She called me earlier to tell me our son got his nose and forhead scraped from tipping his walker but he was ok and that he still has a little cold but it's not that bad anymore. Just as a heads up for tomorrow when i pick him up for the weekend.

Nothing strange about that. Sounds like good parenting letting the other know our son got a small injury. What is strange is she NEVER calls. She always texts. Last time our son was sick that was a text too. What's also strange is she saying 'That's why i called because, if it was me i would like to know beforehand'. I don't see why she defends calling me like that, plus she overacted the 'playing it cool/casual bit towards the end. In truth she could have told me all this tomorrow when picking him up. If it's not serious I don't get why she calls. It left me with a feeling she's trying too hard to let me know that's the only reason she called.

Mind you I haven't once reached out to her to try and get her back or even so much as hinted at it. If i had the above would make sense. To make sure I don't misunderstand


Yeah i analyze too much. I just got a gut feeling from knowing her and her patterns, something's up. I have an invested interest in her not trying to h-o-o-v-e-r or worse try a recycle down the line should my replacement fail. I'm not in a spot yet where I can turn her down. For my mental health sake I hope it doesn't happen within the next couple of months. or even better, never
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Duplicity

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« Reply #15 on: August 17, 2017, 01:39:36 PM »

JaxDk,

You were in a relationship with a BPD, where you ALWAYS had to be analytical and read her constant shifting moods. You always had to be on your toes and fully alert. Observing body language, fluctuating tones of voice, deciphering messages and reading between the lines, etc. That doesnt just go away overnight. That was a way of life for you for years.

Something is definitely up with her, with all the explaining she's doing. She probably wants to really reach out to you but she hesitates. Keep playing cool, being polite and cordial. Things will be revealed in time. But whatever you do, as long as she is with this other guy, don't take the bait!  Because she's having issues with her new man more than likely, and you don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she can come back. She made her bed, make her lie in it. It's called boumdaries. And besides, she will keep you caught up in limbo as well, and you don't want that. You can still move on; even if a reunion is a consideration later, keep that to yourself. Or you'll get manipulated. Peace!
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clvrnn
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« Reply #16 on: August 17, 2017, 09:56:28 PM »

Hi,

I wish I could offer you some advice on how to manage those thoughts, but I can't. So instead I'm just posting to let you know that I also am going through this, and you're not alone in this.
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JaxDK
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« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2017, 02:34:57 AM »

Whatever is going on. Me over analyzing things too much or her relationship showing a few cracks, I don't think I have to worry. She made too big of a hoopla on her Facebook about the replacement and their love plus talking about how bad I was to her, with the arguing etc. to her friends and family to garner support. I don't have to worry about her trying to recycle down the line. Image is too important to her. People would see the crazy.

Triangulation however is a possibility but that can be avoided. I'll just go grey rock on her.
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     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
HelenaHandbasket
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« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2017, 11:48:44 AM »

ShanShay, I just want to say I find it inspiring to see a pwBPD trying so hard to learn and grow and understand where non-BPDs are coming from.  I wish so much that my brother's BPD wife would do that; right now I am watching his marriage implode and wishing I could do something to help.  I wish you all the best with your treatment and recovery.  Thank you for sharing your perspective.
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JaxDK
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« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2017, 12:55:53 PM »

Yeah ShanShey's advice has been very valuable something I could definitely use more of. Everybody's input has been very valuable.
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