My brother found out my gf has a boyfriend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We my exgf BPD got into an argument as I informed her my brother found out she has a boyfriend.  Okay she said.  I said yes ideally I would have liked my immediate family to have found out from me after she returns to TX but it wasn't to be. My brother told me as he didn't know if I knew or not or whether she was stringing me along?  I said yes I know & I've accepted it & am dealing with it as part of my moving on & healing process.

She asked how he found out?  I said he was looking at old posts on my FB page from at the start of this year where she had posted pics of her tattoo work she had on to my FB page.  I hadn't changed my security & privacy settings so any links with her FB name on could be seen. So younger brother sees a post of her BF saying "my baby's coming home to me soon, can't wait".

Ex thought my brother was snooping on her, I said don't flatter yourself he doesn't have any interest, time or anything else for you for in that matter.

After this she starts crying & says "please why can't we be friends & stay in touch when I go home to TX"?  I said no you've made your bed with somebody else now and you're lying in it. I don't wan't to be in contact after what you have put me through. Also you have a boyfriend and it's not fair on him to be speaking with your ex behind his back, I wouldn't like it being done to me either.  She keeps crying but I say no. I said if you want to reconcile we keep in touch otherwise no, if you contact me otherwise I will block you on all communication fronts.

[Pedro]

We my exgf BPD got into an argument as I informed her my brother found out she has a boyfriend.  Okay she said.  I said yes ideally I would have liked my immediate family to have found out from me after she returns to TX but it wasn't to be. My brother told me as he didn't know if I knew or not or whether she was stringing me along?  I said yes I know & I've accepted it & am dealing with it as part of my moving on & healing process.

She asked how he found out?  I said he was looking at old posts on my FB page from at the start of this year where she had posted pics of her tattoo work she had on to my FB page.  I hadn't changed my security & privacy settings so any links with her FB name on could be seen. So younger brother sees a post of her BF saying "my baby's coming home to me soon, can't wait".

Ex thought my brother was snooping on her, I said don't flatter yourself he doesn't have any interest, time or anything else for you for in that matter.

After this she starts crying & says "please why can't we be friends & stay in touch when I go home to TX"?  I said no you've made your bed with somebody else now and you're lying in it. I don't wan't to be in contact after what you have put me through. Also you have a boyfriend and it's not fair on him to be speaking with your ex behind his back, I wouldn't like it being done to me either.  She keeps crying but I say no. I said if you want to reconcile we keep in touch otherwise no, if you contact me otherwise I will block you on all communication fronts.

[Pedro]

Forgot to add to previous message don't know if it is relevant or not?

Ex had been sending me funny jokey texts all afternoon with a bit of double entendre thrown in for good measure. Don't know her mind set or rationale for this but it's not like her, so I reciprocated in polite acknowledgement but nothing else. Being all giddy, funny, quirky sense of humour she used to display when we were a couple, stuff she hasn't done for months?

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi Pedro,

I've read your story a bit and gotta say... .that's a tough situation you seem to have handled very well. Put in your shoes I'm not sure I would have handled it quite as eloquently as you did.

With that being said... .it seems like you've managed to put up some tough boundaries you've stuck to. You stayed true to yourself and your feelings... .self care at its finest. It looks like you have another boundary you've decided is important to you:  if her decision is to be with this new boyfriend in TX, she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. Meaning... she doesnt get the relationship she seems to be fully investing in while also getting to keep a relationship (platonic or not) with you. Thats fair. Seems to me like a little more self-care in guarding against putting yourself through the personal pain maintaining contact with her would bring if this is the choice she decides to continue with.

I ask you this as a little food for thought:  you've given her the ultimatum of "if we reconcile we can stay in touch. if not, goodbye" -- Playing devils advocate here: Lets say she did choose to reconcile... .would that truly solve all of the problems that have come up? For you personally would you be able to let go and truly reconcile?

You've done such a stupendous job of trying to take yourself into consideration and your feelings associated with all of this. As painful as they may have been through-out. Would reconciling, for you, mean burying all that has gone on hoping it never resurfaces?  Buried feelings and emotions tend to boil a pot until it spills over... .

Are you looking for reconciliation or are your motives to see whether or not she really is as invested as she seems to where she would not take you up on your ultimatum?

[Pedro]

Hi ITTO

Thank you for your feedback. I know there is no way on earth we are going to reconcile. Hypothetically yes if she wanted to I would because of what I know about her condition BPD, how I would take better care of me, putting boundaries in place, learning about tools, strategies and how she thinks & feels to a greater extent it all makes sense now. Yes considering all the problems I've come up against & experienced I would  let them go, & I have been doing as the months have gone by as part of my healing & moving on.

I don't have any ulterior motives I know we won't reconcile, she has moved on with her partner now I know the amount of phone time FB Skype etc every night here for the last 4 months+.

Maybe I should just say don't contact me whatsoever in future or maybe just block her cell phone and email on her departure date? I am moving on as painful as it is & has been to date. I cannot do a platonic friendship thing in future because of how I feel about her.

[Pedro]

09.00 UK time,

At a general Physician's appt with her now. She asked to book the day off work to attend this 100 mile round trip to go with.
I know she's using me & this support I give her till she gets home, then my replacement will carry on my role. That said he'll never be as supportive as I have been. Biased comment yes, but it's true ha ha ha ha god I'm good?

[Pedro]

Hello ITTO again.

Sorry I do no think I fully answered a question you asked.  I am not testing her resolve, commitment or investment to her current relationship. If I have done so by my actions or what I have said then it was not deliberate or intentional.  She has told me to my face she has moved on & doesn't want to reconcile, I have accepted that.

Again hypothetically if she were to listen to where I was coming from in our previous relationship & how here BPD impacted on us, & consider therapy or open up about her BPD then I would not reconsider reconciliation.  As I said it's all hypothetical & I'm getting on with my life, healing, learning, self reflection. making myself learn why I was co-dependent. Understanding still how a BPD's condition impacts on a non in a relationship.

We  are out from her medical appointment now & her physician wants her to have an MRI scan related to a query optical/neurological investigation.  She's asked to attend that future appt with her which I have agreed to. She's worried she may have an aneurism or query a tumour? Have tried to reassure her as reasonable as possible & to try not to think too negatively & be positive as she doesn't know anything until the scan result comes back.  She thanks me for attending with her driving her there & being with her this morning.

 At times this morning she kept calling me by my pet names. I have come to accept now she's either not capable of not calling me by those names as I've asked her to stop doing this numerous times, or she's trying to wind me up, or it genuine, who knows who cares she's home to TX soon.

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi Pedro,

It sounds like you've come to terms with everything in the best way that you can and are doing what is right for you. That is ultimately what is important. The question I asked regarding whether or not your 'ultimatum' was to test her resolve was a little food for thought that I think we can all use sometimes regardless of how far we've come on this journey.

I see it this way:  We all have a better understanding of our pw/expwBPD and BPD in general... .thats a great help for us in healing and making the right decisions for us. I found it was also important to know what I would and would not forgive. "Betrayal boundaries" if you will.  How much of the hurt caused by those crossed 'betrayal boundaries' would you knowingly or unknowingly bring into a future relationship and would that ultimately lead to YOU being hurt again.

My 'betrayal boundary' was: I will not be able to forgive or forget my ex(now current)pwBPD sleeping with someone else. That was the main one that stuck in my mind as something I simply would not be able to move past if we ever did reconcile. It seems you also are aware of your own 'betrayal boundaries' and would do whatever you needed to to ensure your own self-love and self-care if the opportunity were to present itself. Thats great, Pedro.

We  are out from her medical appointment now & her physician wants her to have an MRI scan related to a query optical/neurological investigation.  She's asked to attend that future appt with her which I have agreed to. She's worried she may have an aneurism or query a tumour? Have tried to reassure her as reasonable as possible & to try not to think too negatively & be positive as she doesn't know anything until the scan result comes back.  She thanks me for attending with her driving her there & being with her this morning.

At times this morning she kept calling me by my pet names. I have come to accept now she's either not capable of not calling me by those names as I've asked her to stop doing this numerous times, or she's trying to wind me up, or it genuine, who knows who cares

It seems you've taken on the role of being her pillar of strength throughout this medical ordeal she's going through. How are you handling that? I ask because you mention in an earlier statement learning about why you were co-dependent. I think a lot of us find we are co-dependents in our relationships with our pwBPD. Often that co-dependency lingers even after the relationship has dissolved. As I'm sure many could attest to... .the relationship dissolves but does it ever, really? I'm curious to see how you are handling this situation from your end. Is it possible having her depend on you throughout this is fulfilling you in one way or another?

[Pedro]

Hi ITTO.

I absolutely get no fulfilment from this support I am still giving & her to an extent dependant or reliant on. I would be fulfilled with her if reconciled with the reasons associated with that HYPOTHETICALLY.

I don't know if you saw my first posts here some months ago. My exgf BPD ended our 6 year relationship because I reached out an ex gf for advice and  support for myself via email over a number of weeks earlier this year because I was mentally & physically broken from my now ex partner's condition. For 6 years & now post break up, she would not discuss with me, allow me to discuss with my family, relatives, friends or colleagues, and the same with her family, relatives & friends also. I respected that at the time and for some years later but I couldn't take any more I'm only human. The regularity, intenseness of raging emotions, self harm, insecurities for 4.5 years broke me like nothing ever has in life. Speaking to an ex for advice & support was a pressure valve being released. I let her down badly I know that.

I know she isn't getting revenge on me this is a genuine & substantial relationship from the little I know. I thought it would be a rebound relationship but as time goes on I accept it could be permanent, I respect that begrudgingly.

I was never a co-dependant person in a relationship before. I lived a lone for a number of years in full time permanent employment, studying college part time mortgaged owing my own home.  But for an easier coping life within the relationship I crumbled gave in to everything, stopped JADEing, apologised for things that weren't my fault, to cope & to deal with in the relationship. I loved & still love this person. Tried to be a partner giving total unconditional love & support under extreme living circumstances.

As the traits that develop for a non in these relationships, became the caretaker, care giver, nurturer, back bone that doesn't break stays strong, but I crumbled because I didn't have the knowledge & skills promoted here. This is what made me co-dependant, I never wanted to be that person, that's not me.

[IsThisThingOn]

Hey Pedro,

Wow. I really cant even tell you how well worded that was. Your description of your co-dependency and how it came to be hits very close to home. It really is intense how similarly it manifests for the Nons regardless of how varying the circumstances are in each relationship, isnt it?

I can relate to you releasing the "pressure valve" ... .I found myself doing the same thing under very similar circumstances you described. Unable to speak to family and friends regarding my SOs disorder. My circumstances vary in the sense that none of her family or friends are willing to acknowledge or even bring up their concerns to her. She has a network of support but unfortunately they support and feed the wrong things.  We all need support, healthy support. We all need a shoulder to lean on.  At its core, regardless of who you chose, the positive here is that you DID choose to reach out to someone and gain perspective and gather yourself. I hope you have taken the time to pat yourself on the back for having the courage to reach out for a helping hand 

I urge you to keep putting yourself first. I know you will. I can understand how hard it is to resist riding in and being the white knight now while she needs you through this difficult time but dont allow yourself to do it at the expense of Pedro. In your own words... .'I never wanted to be that person, thats not me.' ... .I myself have a hard time heeding these words.  It's hard to say no to someone we love and are so used to caring for.  I remind myself I cant possibly be a caregiver to her if I'm not a caregiver to myself first. Balance is key, my friend.

I have no doubts you will maneuver this successfully. You have done so with everything else so far. I look forward to following your journey through this and out to "the other side"

[Pedro]

I didn't deliberately sign up to be this pillar of strength she doesn't or is too proud or unable to recognise post break up. Circumstances such as having to cohabit till our home is sold, because neither one of us can afford to move out.  Her car is broken I kindly allow her to use mine. She doesn't want to go places on her own such as running events or tattoo meets.

Her boyfriend should  be over here supporting her if they think so much of each other living elsewhere not in my ******* house?  She doesn't associate with colleagues socially outside of work. She has few friends because she deliberately chose to be that way.  She had more friends through my extended family until we separated.

She still relies on my support as if we were still together as a couple especially medical appts. I have to take another single holiday day off from my job now for her MRI scan. She was thinking today she only has a few months to live. I told her no that is not the case, she said she doesn't want to know if that was the case. Again she should getting support from her boyfriend not me it's not my job or responsibility anymore.  He won't know what's going to hit him when she relocates home to TX & they set up home together. I hope she grinds him down & see where his love & commitment lay then?  He'll have to stop playing with his miniature wiener comic con type toy figures & join the real world.

[IsThisThingOn]

I understand completely. Please dont misunderstand me saying "take care of Pedro first" as me saying you chose this role. I know all too well how this is a role that is cast upon us without being willing participants. Before we know it... .we ARE willing participants and wondering how the heck we got there all while trying to battle our ways back out.

Your situation is unique. I'm not sure how I would handle it. Cohabiting can be difficult enough without the added stressors you face. I think you've handled it quite maturely. Her current boyfriend should hold the burden of being her support pillar, you're correct. For your sake, thankfully that will be the case soon. For her sake, hopefully it doesnt backfire on her.  For the sake of everyone involved... .hopefully all find the support and peace they need.

What support do you need right now, Pedro?  Is having someone to dialogue with helping you or is there more that can be offered?

[Pedro]

I'm doing okay.

Have excellent support here from the BPD Family who have been amazing, my family & friends at work. Still on waiting list to still be seen by my employer's Occupational Health Dept.'s Counsellor 4 months on. Keep myself busy with walking & running exercise. Doing DIY on my house reading listening to my favourite radio channels.

It won't fully hit me till the day she departs home & that will be the 4th & final hit heart & head have to take. 1st splitting up, 2nd new boyfriend, 3rd informed she's moving home, then 4th.

[Pedro]

I have had a lovely day with my nieces who are visiting the UK with their parents (my brother & his wife). Took them out for breakfast at a US theme diner then we went to a farm that is open to the general public where we can feed them, pet them, & learn about animals in farming which they loved.

I returned them to my brother's apartment they renting whist here. All nice, polite, handshakes, hugs etc, then we get on to the topic of my ex partner with BPD.  I mentioned how my own mental health is suffering due to her illness, + mum's & our other brother's mental health's issues respectively.  I told my brother how supporting my family members but predominantly how my ex's BPD has changed me profoundly & I don't use the word profoundly easily. I am easily stressed, I cannot with most things as easily as I once could & I am being selfish & going to put myself first for the first time in my life at the age of 47.

My brother verbally ripped into my ex telling me 'yeah she's changed you alright, she wasn't a nice person, you're better off without her'.  I was seething because I could not simply or concisely say how her mental health condition which is complex as most people know from their other halves & ex's here know only so well.  :)espite how she has treated me I was defending her, not so much as an ex partner but more so in terms of her illness, what I had to contend with, how I made sacrifices to cope with.  They either can't or won't see how serious or severe somebody was with their emotions, insecurities, & fear of abandonment was off the scale.

I know my brother is my family & he is looking out for me, I'm not proud of myself for what I allowed to happen in my relationship, but it was my relationship & I dealt & coped with the best way I could under the circumstances, that was my call & I made it. Until they know or are in a relationship with somebody who has BPD, then they can fully comprehend what it is like to be in the shoes of a non in these relationships.

[patientandclear]

Pedro, I wanted to respond to your comment above that her bf should be helping her in her health crisis, and how it feels unfair that you "have to" take a day off work to accompany her to her MRI.

You don't "have to." This is a simple but profound truth. You don't. You can choose not to. Nor do you need to lend her your car, etc etc.

There's a practice taught in DBT called "opposite action," where people are encouraged to imagine doing the opposite of what their entrenched habits and instincts tell them to do ... .when there is reason to think those habits and instincts are self-destructive or counter-productive.

What would happen if you apply the principle of opposite action to the decisions you're making to operate as this woman's de facto partner still? Would the world end if you tell her no? Of course she's asking you. You're a great supporter/friend. But why are you agreeing? Imagine not agreeing. What does that look and feel like?

[Pedro]

I think a part of me has done to prove I am a good person  for her to see that, part of me knows she's not going to be around these parts much longer so I can ride it out for a few more weeks & then it's dealt with, I don't have to do it any more. The medical appts because she is with somebody else, she always hated going to them when we were a couple, she was always scared & wanted me by her side. I know she's still like that, & wrongly on my part I still support her.

I still do it out of obscure loyalty I guess I'm not sure why?  She asks & I mostly say yes on more important matters.  I did it also because I wanted her family, parents & brother to see what a good person I am despite me reaching out to an ex for support because I couldn't handle any more BPD. In my own bizarre thought process I was trying to make amends for my downfall in that way.

I was doing it for myself my own sanity to remind myself I am a good decent person underneath all the crap that is above the surface. Despite her being hard as nails ':)on't Mess With Texas' mantra the Texan's have, she's still this vulnerable person that I try to help. It is work I am trying to work on myself to stop doing this so there is hypothetically never a situation like this in
future

That's the best way I can describe it, it's not a good self analysis of me is it?
                                                                               

[patientandclear]

Actually it's a great self-analysis.

So--you want her, her family and yourself to see you as good.

I'd hazard a guess that none of their impression of you (including your own) would do anything but improve if you let her know that those activities are things you do with and for a partner, and the situation has changed now.  She, and they, know by now, if they are ever going to know, that you are a caring person.  More of the same doesn't make that more true.

If you try an "opposite action" approach out in your head in these scenarios (not allowing her to borrow the car, suggesting she take someone else along for the MRI), what happens?

[Pedro]

Me not going to her MRI scan with her isn't going to change anything is it, things will still be the same?

I will go the follow up MRI result appt with her though in case she hears bad news or there is something going on medically?  She doesn't have anyone else to go with her.

She has to travel to another part of the country in a week's time for working purposes. She will be away for a few days.  Her car is broken in that it can only be used for short local journeys.  I offered her my car over a month ago as mine is more reliable and she prefers driving mine to her anyway.  It's me being a 'nice' guy i guess? Given her car is not in good reliable condition for long distance driving she will still use mine, & i will use her for work commuting as i my place of work is 8 miles away. After that i'm done.

This all done by sometime in October when she returns in TX.

She is very defensive, combative, & plays the crying victim role all in equal measures. I don't have the skills, nohow to deal with someone who is like that, so i'm riding the storm out till she goes  to TX. It's an easier coping mechanism, still doing it now like i was when we were a couple for 6 years?

[Pedro]

She gets notification of her MRI scan date through today. It is for one day next week.

I tell her it is almost impossible to get time off at short notice from my employer to go with her to this appt.  She starts crying instantly which is learnt behaviour of many years I'm guessing wrongly or rightly? She said 'you promised you would go with me, It's not my fault it's such short notice'. I saw real tears & that's something I've struggled to get past in the relationship.  I said 'stop the crying now you're 40 years of age, there's no need for this'.  She reply's 'I'll get upset if I want to'.

I said 'fine I'll wing it & pull a favour in somehow'. She's won again I know.  I don't want the hassle or the aggravation in this home we still have to share till she moves home, my nerves are shot, I don't have heart or the stomach to do learned strategies form BPD Family with an ex with BPD right now.

[Skip]

How did it go?

[Pedro]

In terms of the car, hers is going to the auto shop for repair today, I am not lending her mine currently. She is getting a taxi to return home & a taxi back to collect it when repaired. I have told her she has to provide me with a replacement car or hire car next week when she commutes to the other side of the country or otherwise she cannot borrow mine.
I will still go to health appt with her, my call she begged n pleaded me to go with her.
Proud of myself that I was able to say stop crying you're 40 years of age there's no need for it. I had 6 years of that instant turn on turn off tap of tears that ground me down that no amount of JADEing could resolve.
That's where we're at now Skip.

[patientandclear]

I wouldn't minimize the value of your boundary around the car. The hardest thing is to start behaving differently. When you find that you can, that's a sort of strength that can grow.

One point that I learned on these boards is that a boundary that vascillates can be worse than none, as it provides intermittent reinforcement to the other person that if they manipulate or pressure long enough, you'll capitulate. You both learn that you don't really mean it. So picking things where you can commit to yourself that you won't buckle despite the pressure and pleas is a good idea.

This may not bear on your actions re taking her to her MRI, but  "she has no one else to go with her" because of her own choices. When you were her partner you'd have gone with her; she's chosen another path; this is the consequence of her choice. However, I hear from you that you're worn out and just trying to get across the finish line. Maybe it doesn't matter in terms of improving the dynamics with her, for that reason. I'd just stress that it may matter to YOU. She is using you and you are letting yourself be used. If you feel like accepting that for the moment is the only course you can manage, at least clarity is good. And you made a promise and she is now relying on that, so that adds a separate layer of perhaps more legit guilt if you pull back from your commitment to accompany her now. You can work on new patterns with other people down the road when you feel stronger.

But there is never a bad time to practice honoring and respecting yourself. In all the little ways and moments between now and Oct, the more you calmly assert boundaries appropriate to her choices and this situation, the more you are already starting out on your own new path.

[Pedro]

Thanks PNC

I know she's using me we both know that.

I do remind her and I will talk out aloud saying 'still giving you the love n support *****'. She'll snap back angrily 'what did you say'. I'll say 'you heard me first time'. I'll say 'save your attitude for your boyfriend yeah'. Then she'll shut up after that hee hee good job Pedro

[Skip]

I think patientandclear is making some really good points.

I would add a question for you.

Is it better to be used and to pepper you interface with passive aggressive remarks as your resentment builds and, in turn, is creating resentment in her?

Or is it better to sit down, in a time of calm and and establish your values and boundaries... ."I really care for you and was committed to our relationships. You felt I was not living up to my commitment and you have ended it and are moving away. I have respected that.  At this point, we are not relationship partners, we are amicable exs living out the last weeks of our time together. I need to ask you to not ask expect relationship partner or best friend things from me. I need you to respect me and our past relationship. I want to part on good terms. I think we should be friendly, lightly supportive, but not have expectations of doing for each other. If I become ill, I would not expect you to cancel your trip home. I need you to not expect these things of me. Are we good?"

For your own mental health, I think it will be easier to politely sever the relationship and see who she is while she is there, than to sacrifice your self for weeks, months, have her leave and then crash and burn. Who is she will be clearer when you stop serving her. Knowing this will help you in the long run.

Don't sacrifice and resent - stand tall and cut the tie. She will respect you more for it in the long run. You will suffer less.

[Pedro]

Thank you I will take on board what you are saying and the rationale behind it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pedro,

I admire how you have been navigating this very difficult situation and staying open to alternative ideas about how you can work through it. You really have come a long way, and as others have said, I'm not sure I'd have been able to get here with as much grace as you have.

You've received excellent advice in this thread. I would just like to back up something that I feel is important here:

Don't sacrifice and resent - stand tall and cut the tie. She will respect you more for it in the long run. You will suffer less.

I do believe that setting boundaries and sticking with them is way to respond that can help reduce the suffering that stems from the letting go of the relationship. It's so difficult to part from someone we love, but in my experience, when we do it in a manner that fosters self-respect, it gives us a kind of anchor to hold on to after the separation, when we are forced to turn back toward ourselves. I think many of us underestimate how supportive that can be, and I really wish that anchor for you as you step forward into a new life.

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hi haw,

I am slowly but surely doing things. She asked me again today could she keep in touch when she goes home? I said no, & how many times have I told you that's not going to happen so stop asking?
I will not be able to buy another property once mine is sold, I've had it confirmed by my mortgage advisor & a financial advisor respectively recently so I'm screwed. I will be moving into my mothers house temporarily. Her mental & physical health is suffering so do I am considering to be her cared?
My ex wants me to emigrate to the US & says she will give me advice on legal financial property searching & put me in touch with job recruiters but I politely refused.

[patientandclear]

Good--to all that.

[Pedro]

I don't if this is coincidence or something else.

Told my ex gf BPD that I was having a butterfly tattoo done at some point  in the colours of green and black, (Note for BPD Family it is not the same colours as your butterfly displayed on your website).

Didn't think anything more of till this weekend when I was out with my immediate family, their partners & nieces for a meal. My mum is checking her cell phone for any messages then FB for any alerts.  My ex partner's photo pops up on the suggested friends list with a black and green butterfly on her tag. Again for BPD Family it does not resemble your butterfly as displayed on your website here, so as not to potentially infringe any image rights etc.

I don't know if this is coincidental or not or if it is something more substantial?  We have blocked each other from our various social media accounts, & she does not have access to my email account or my laptop's login details anymore, quite creepy really.

She wants me to post pics of tattoo work I'm having done in the next 12 months to her, but as I have to keep reinforcing the boundary I created that there will be no contact when she returns home, I have said no that will not be happening.

[betterlifenow]

Hi haw.

Yes I would because it is about a new start in my life alone, a new chapter. I am being selfish putting me first, it is something that doesn't fit or sit well comfortably with me. I've always been about putting others first, people pleasing when younger, my depression when younger stopping me wanting to do this such as living or working abroad, realising life is precious and trying to make the most of it. I want a better life for me now where possible.

It looks like me and sounds like me. I would like to try living abroad because it's a new experience. I hope it will help!

[Pedro]

Hello Leighton Baines Everton FC fan I guess?

It's sound idyllic but it isn't. There are time consuming application processes to go through. Health.checks, job applications & interviews if green card successful? If successful after that relocation, home to rent, driving lisence & test to do, car to buy.

I may not even like it or adapt to the move & decide to come back, who knows we'll see?

Sorry for whatever brings you here LB & hope your situation improves what is your predicament right now?